Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of The Lees of Old Virginia from the musical 1776.

THE SCENE: By means of an enchanted Flying Ford Anglia, RON, FRED & GEORGE bring HARRY from Number Four Privet Drive to their home in the village of Ottery St. Catchpole, "The Burrow".

RON, FRED & GEORGE:
Our family name is Weasley
"The Burrow" is our home.
Our family name is Weasley.
"The Burrow" is our home.

So you can get out of dad's car
Maybe mum can't see us from afar,
And we can sneak in without our getting caught.

For we are clan Weasley, a big family
And our little sister's name is Virginia.
Yes, the clan Weasley, the largest family
In the town of Ottery St. Catchpole.

RON:
And we had better get inside;
If mother sees us she will tan my hide!

RON, FRED & GEORGE:
We'll wish we'd sneaked in without our getting caught.

You see, it's here Weasley, there Weasley,
And everywhere Weasley, Weasley.

FRED: Bill Weas--

RON: -ley!

GEORGE: Perfect Percy Weas--

RON: -ley!

FRED: Charlie Weas--

RON: -ley!

GEORGE: The Twins Weas--

RON: -ley!

FRED: Ronald Weas--

RON: -ley!

GEORGE: Ginny Weas--

RON: -ley!

FRED: Arthur Weas--

RON: -ley!

GEORGE: Molly Weas--

RON: -ley!

RON, FRED & GEORGE:
We're clan Weasley, one huge family
And our little sister's name is Virginia.
All our dad cares about, you see
Are Muggles and eckletricity
So it won't matter to him if we get caught.

HARRY:
But Mr. Weasley, He'll help us.
He will, Ron, He will!

FRED & GEORGE:
We'll sneak inside "The Burrow" without our getting caught.
We have to sneak inside "The Burrow" without our getting caught.
But, we tell you Ron, it's tough
Unless you are made of the stuff
Of Weasleys, the Weasleys of "The Burrow".

RON, FRED & GEORGE:
You see, it's here Weasley, there Weasley
And everywhere Weasley, Weasley.
Here Weasley, there Weasley
Look Out! There's Bill Weasley,
Charles Weasley, Humongous Bighead Percy Weasley.

RON:
Fred Weasley, George Weasley,

FRED:
And ickle Ron.

RON:
That's me!

GEORGE:
It's elementary, my dear Holmes,
We'll be stuck removing Garden Gnomes.
If we don't sneak in without our getting caught.

By Merlin's beard! It's here Weasley, there Weasley
Come on, "bro's", join in with me!

RON, FRED & GEORGE:
Here Weasley, there Weasley

HARRY:
What's your Dad's name?

RON:
Arthur Weasley!

RON, FRED & GEORGE:
Here Weasley, there Weasley--

HARRY:
And who is your Mum?

RON:
Molly!

HARRY:
Here Weasley, there Weasley--

RON:
She won't spank you but she will me!

ALL:
Here Weasley, there Weasley,
Everywhere Weasley, Weasley.

Burrow Ho!

HARRY, RON, FRED & GEORGE try to sneak into The Burrow, with predictable results.

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Because by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Molly, standing in a line outside of Flourish and Blotts, keeps primping her hair as she has these thoughts...

Because he knows his pests, he is the best
Because he knows his pests...aaaaaahhhhhh

Because his hair is blond, it turns me on
Because his hair is blond..... .aaaaaaaahhhh

Lockhart's smart, brave and kind! For him I'll stand in line.

Because his eyes are blue, it makes me sigh
Because his eyes are blue.......aaaaaaaahhhh

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh....

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Tangled up in Blue by Bob Dylan

Scene: After his accidental trip to Knockturn Alley, Harry explains what happened

HARRY
Early one morning at the Burrow,
I was hangin' with Ron.
We decided to go to Diagon Alley,
Get some shopping done.
All the Weasleys came along,
The whole red-headed crew,
They gave me some magical powder stuff
And explained what I should do.
I stood in front of the fireplace
Tryin' not to burn my shoes.
I threw the powder into the flames,
Breathed in the ashes that flew, said "Achoo!"
Tangled up in Floo.

I found myself in a strange dark place
I didn't recognize.
I was was trapped in a dusty space,
Smoke was stinging my eyes.
There were human bones and ugly masks,
Toe of frog and eye of newt,
Pickled slimy things in jars
Didn't look remotely cute.
I clenched my hands and I closed my eyes,
I admit I was scared stiff.
I knew I wasn't in Diagon,
It was an entirely different avenue,
Tangled up in Floo.

The door swung open with a creak,
And I was feeling no joy
When a pair of customers came in,
And each was a Malfoy.
In my mind there wasn't any doubt
That they were up to no good.
I knew I needed to get away,
But I didn't see how I could.
Thank God they didn't spot me there,
I would not have stood a chance.
I really wished I were somewhere else,
Like maybe in Paris, France, or in Peru,
Tangled up in Floo.

Lucius had some things to sell,
And none of them looked nice.
He put on a lot of snooty airs
As he haggled over price.
Draco prowled around the shop,
Looking for something to buy.
When his father ragged him about his grades,
He looked like he might cry.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Dude, grow yourself a spine!"
He acted like a total git,
Man, you should've heard him whine, made want to spew.
Tangled up in Floo.

After a while, the Malfoys moved on,
The coast was finally clear.
I snuck out into the street,
Intending to disappear.
I didn't like the looks of the place,
All the shops sold nasty stuff.
I might not have known what it was,
But I knew I'd seen enough.
Then a witch confronted me in the street,
Selling fingernails off a tray.
I was starting to feel just a bit uneasy,
When Hagrid saved the day, yeah, he came through.
Tangled up in Floo.

So that's my trip to Knockturn Alley,
Sure was a narrow escape.
No way I'm going back again,
I'd just as soon kiss Snape.
Fred and George thought it was cool,
But as I said to Ron,
"Leave the Dark Arts to the Malfoys,
I'm sticking to Diagon."
I'm leaving Knockturn far behind,
With it's monsters and its spooks.
Gonna head on down to Flourish & Blotts
To purchase Lockhart's books, that's what I'll do.
Tangled up in Floo.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Dear Prudence by the Beatles

Scene: LUCIUS MALFOY is talking to his son inside Borgin & Burkes

LUCIUS
Not prudent - better watch what you say
You shouldn't give your thoughts away
I've told you this time and again
Couldn't have made myself more plain
These blatant thoughts of yours will betray

Your treatment of Harry Potter
Important, you must remember
To appear less then fond of him
Would seem to be a mortal sin
This dissent needs to be hidden better

Ignorant people think they know
This moment Potter's a hero
Most of our kind hold him as dear
He made the Dark Lord disappear
It's urgent that you keep quiet, Draco

HARRY who is hiding inside a large black cabinet, sees Draco coming closer and is afraid that he will be discovered.

HARRY (under his breath)
Go away, way
Go away, way, way
Go away

LUCIUS (to Mr. Borgin):
The recent raids by the Ministry
They haven't touched my family
Wizard blood and ancestry
Counting for less, but not with me
Impudent, Muggle-loving Weasley

To the tune of the title song from The Little Shop of Horrors by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman

THE SCENE: Knockturn Alley, in front of Borgin & Burkes. Enter HARRY, and as backup chorus, HERMIONE, GINNY, AND MOLLY WEASLEY.

HARRY
Little shop, little shop on Knockturn
Little shop, I much to my shock learn
Achoo on floo guarantees a wrong turn

CHORUS
No, oh, oh, no-oh!

HARRY
Little shop, sellin' hands of glory
There I dropped, 'midst its inventory
I did not find this hunky-dory

CHORUS
No, oh, oh, no-oh!

HARRY
Boy oh boy, what a sleazy ploy
Played by both Malfoys!

CHORUS
Dad and son, look out, look out!

HARRY & CHORUS
Here they are drawn to try to pawn
Dark Arts contraband

CHORUS
Malfoy's son, 'n' bad dad with poisons
Don't you buy a thing.
We better (telling you, we better)
Tell M.O.M. that they gotta get 'em.
They got to (yeah they surely got to)
Disband!

HARRY & CHORUS
Little shop, little shop on Knockturn
Good wizards always all their stock spurn
Hagrid's here, now it's time to adjourn

CHORUS
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

To the tune of The Lullaby of Broadway from 42nd Street

THE SCENE: Flourish and Blotts bookshop in Diagon Alley. An enthusiastic crowd of admirers, both middle-aged witches and Hogwarts students - including Hermione - is crowded around GILDEROY LOCKHART, along with a smaller group of photographers and reporters. Off to one side are HARRY and RON, watching the proceedings with considerable skepticism. The manager of the bookshop moves forward to introduce LOCKHART

BOOKSTORE MANAGER
Flourish and Blotts is proud to hold a photo op for Lockhart
The hunkiest author of all time who fought against the Dark Arts
Whether traveling with trolls or voyaging with vampires
His magic prowess conquered all.….

CHORUS OF ADMIRERS
…..but you're preaching to the choir!
Oh, we can tell with just one glance this guy is total beefcake

HARRY & RON
We have the feeling we'll find out he's just a flake

CHORUS OF PHOTOGRAPHERS & REPORTERS
Say cheese, Lockhart!
Say cheese, with your copy of Magical Me

CHORUS OF ADMIRERS
Oh please, Lockhart!
Oh please sign my copy for me!

LOCKHART
Thanks for coming here today to purchase my best-seller
Just like all my other books, I'll guarantee it's stellar
Look who's out there in the crowd, if it isn't Harry Potter!

He pulls the resistant HARRY over to him. The photographers crowd in for more pictures

Come up, Harry, take a bow, let me tell you how this quarter
That I'll be teaching you at school the Art of Darkness Defense
Evil forces never faced a rival more intense

LOCKHART piles upon HARRY a complete set of his books, who staggers under their weight, as more flashbulbs go off

ALL (except HARRY and RON)
Say cheese, Harry!
Say cheese with a complete set of my/his books

LOCKHART (aside to HARRY)
Say cheese, Harry
See how far you can get on good looks

HARRY retreats back to RON's company

HARRY (aside, simultaneously with below)
Now I can see that Gilderoy is a pure schnook!

LOCKHART (aside, simultaneously with above)
Once again my faithful fans swallowed my hook!

Exit all except HARRY and RON

HARRY and RON
Good night DADA
Good night, no learning this year there'll be
Good night, DADA
On this we both agree
DADA has been stashed away under Lockhart's key!

A filk by Gail to the tune of The Beatles' Drive My Car

HARRY:
Tried to get on the train back to school
But the gateway wouldn't let us go through
Lost all hope and I started to fear
But then Ron thought of a great idea

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
You know that Ford Anglia
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
And it will be cool

HARRY:
Well, at first it was lots of fun
But hunger and boredom finally won
Then the engine started to whine
Wished I was on that ol' rail line

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
Moves just like a shooting star
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
We'll make it to school

FORD ANGLIA:
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
Hogwarts can not be that far
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
But I'm worried, too

HARRY:
The engine died and we lost all control
Then we crashed in the Whomping Willow
Snape he almost had us expelled
Then Ron's Mom sent him the Howler from hell

MRS. WEASLEY (Howler):
WHO SAID YOU COULD TAKE THE CAR?
MoM'S INVESTIGATING YOUR PA!
YOU BOTH COULD HAVE DIED IN THAT CAR!
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

FORD ANGLIA:
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Yellow Submarine by the Beatles

HARRY:
In the station of King's Cross,
Between platforms ten and nine,
There's a secret passageway
Only wizard folk can find.

But we crashed into a wall
When we tried to make that scene,
Now we have to get to school
In a flying blue machine.

HARRY AND RON:
We went up in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
We went up in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

RON:
All our friends are on the train,
Probably wondering where we are.
And I wish we had some food.

HARRY AND RON:
There's no food in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
There's no food in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

HARRY:
As we tried so hard to land,
The Whomping Willow made its attack.
I'm afraid that we've been seen;
Snape is going to vent his spleen.

HARRY AND RON (simultaneously with below):
We went splat! in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
We went splat! in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

SNAPE (simultaneously with above):
Caught two brats in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
Caught two brats in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

To the tune of Fun Fun Fun by the Beach Boys

THE SCENE: Kings Crossing. Enter HARRY & RON

RON & (HARRY)
Well it's the start of the term
And we're ready for the Hogwarts Express now
But a barrier's there and it will not
Grant us any access now
So my Dad's Flying Ford Anglia
Into service we'll press now
And we'll have fun fun fun
'Til mother sends a Howler my way
(Fun fun fun till Molly sends a Howler his way)

With a tap of my wand
The Anglia is taking on wing now
(Taking on wing now taking on wing)
We're high in the clouds and the two of us are feeling like kings now
(Feeling like kings now feeling like kings)
The only problem is that to eat or drink we haven't a thing now
(Haven't a thing now haven't a thing )
But we'll have fun fun fun
Til mother sends a Howler my way
(Fun fun fun till Molly sends a Howler his way)

The spires and the towers of Hogwarts
Are breathtakingly viewed now
(I feel renewed now I feel renewed)
But suddenly we notice that the Ford
Is losing its altitude now
(I'm in a bad mood now I'm in a bad mood)
After crashing on the Whomping Willow both of us
Are feeling subdued now
(On the ground we were strewed now the ground we were strewed)

BOTH
But we had fun fun fun
Till Snape tried to expel us
Fun till he said we were too rebellious
Fun Fun Fun till Snape sent a Detention our way!

Exit HARRY and RON, as they are led away by Snape

A filk by Anne Urbanski to the tune of YMCA by the Village People

THE SCENE -Harry and Ron finally burst through Platform 9 3/4 to discover that the Hogwarts Express just left. Now how will they get to Hogwarts in time for the Sorting Ceremony?

RON
Harry, why don't we take the car,
I mean, Harry, it is faster by far.
Since we can't go on the Hogwarts Express, then let's
Just - pinch -Dad's - An-gli-a

HARRY
Gee, Ron, didn't know you could drive!

RON
I've been watching my big bros since I'm five
Are you with me? Are you game for the ride?
Then let's get - down - to - it -Har-ry . . . . .

CHORUS- HARRY and RON do a little jig with matching hand motions

RON
It's time to fly in a Ford Anglia
We'll go up high in a Ford Anglia
It's more comfortable than a Nimbus, true,
And the seating is better for two

HARRY
We're gonna fly in a Ford Anglia
Hope we don't die in a Ford Anglia
But since you're my friend, I'll just have to trust
You won't manage to kill both of us

RON
Wonder where the train disappeared?
If this map's right, Hogwarts is getting near
See that village? It's called Peebles, in fact.
Let's just fol-low these old train tracks

HARRY
Uh oh, do you hear that big noise?
What's that rumbling? Did we make a bad choice?
Pull us up, Ron - get us out of harm's way
Or there'll be nowt left of us today . . . .

BOTH (grimacing)
Why did we fly in this Ford Anglia?
We're gonna die in this Ford Anglia!

HARRY
Now I'm hanging on by my fingernails
This will sure be one helluva tale

RON
Let's pull you into this Ford Anglia

HARRY
Boy am I glad that I'm back in the car

RON
But watch out below! It's the Whomping Willow!
Now it's tossing us to and fro…

HARRY and RON bounce around the car. Doors fly open. HARRY and RON fly out. FORD ANGLIA appears crushed. WHOMPING WILLOW makes a satisfied, grinding noise, like a belch.

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of Summer Nights from the 1978 movie Grease.

SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. Harry and Ron have missed their second-year Sorting Feast and have been sent to bed with only sandwiches. They are greeted by Fred, George, and the rest of the Gryffindors.

HARRY:
Summer. Pudding smashed on the floor.
Uncle Vernon, he locked my door.
Summer. Spent it locked in my room.

RON:
Summer. Harry forgot his broom.

FRED and GEORGE:
Picked the lock; gave 'em a shock. Flew away in the summer night.

WIZARDS:
Wella-Wella- Wella- UH
Tell me more, Tell me more didja get very far?

WITCHES:
Tell me more, Tell me more. How did you get that car?

WITCHES:
Uh-UH

WIZARDS:
Doo-Doo

WITCHES:
Uh-Uh

WIZARDS:
Doo-Doo

WITCHES:
Uh-Uh

WIZARDS:
Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo

HARRY:
King's Cross Station. We missed the gate.

RON:
King's Cross Station. A minute too late.

HARRY:
Hogwarts Express gone to the school.

RON:
Felt like nine-and-three-quarters kinds of fool.

HARRY:
Rubbed my scar, jumped in the car

RON:
And flew off in the summer night.

WITCHES:
Wella-Wella-Wella-UH
Tell me more, Tell me more. Were you scared you'd be seen?

WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more 'bout that flying machine.

WITCHES:
Dum doobie doo doobie doo doobie doobie doobie dum

WIZARDS:
Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh Uh

HARRY:
At first we were quite invisible.

RON:
When it failed we were so miserable.

HARRY:
Had to get there pretty soon;

RON:
Over the ground our parts would be strewn.

HARRY AND RON:
Should debark, 'twas getting quite dark as we flew in
the summer night_______

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
WOH-WOH-WOH

WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more. Hey you weren't at the Feast.

HARRY and RON:
Tell you what; of our troubles, that was the least.

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop- Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop YAH

RON:
Listen up, you sure gotta know

HARRY:
How we were mauled by that Whomping Willow.

RON:
We were saved because of Dad's Ford.

HARRY:
Yeah, thank Merlin we were aboard.

HARRY AND HERMIONE:
We did cry, smote hip and thigh by that tree in the summer night_____

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
WOH WOH WOH

WITCHES:
Tell me more, Tell me more did it all come to naught?

WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more how you finally were caught.

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo

RON:
At the Sorting was an empty chair;

HARRY:
So we wondered who should've been there?

RON:
While we watched the Sorting Hat

HARRY:
Potions Master appeared-- just like that!

HARRY and RON:
In the end, Snape did apprehend us in

EVERYONE:
OH_

HARRY and RON:
The su-hummer Ni-hight___________

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more________

Harry and Ron concluded that, all considered, things could be worse.

A filk by Stella to the tune of I Am the Walrus

SNAPE:
Look right here, you are here
Driving the car that Muggles saw up flying
If you were both in Slytherin house
You'd be expelled…Explain yourselves.

RON:
We were at the platform, walking through the barrier
We couldn't get through, then the train left without us
We didn't have any choice,
We had to take the car.

HARRY:
We really had to.

SNAPE:
The Muggles saw you.

DUMBLEDORE:
Quiet, Professor.
It's not up to you.

SNAPE:
They flew here from London city,
Risking the exposure of our world
Look at them fly that car up in the sky
A damaged tree, too…They're flying
They're fly- they're flying
They're fly-

RON:
That's alright, Professor
We'll go up and get our things

McGONAGALL:
What do you mean, Weasley?
I will not expel you
Well at least I won't expel you today, anyhow

HARRY:
Thank you, Professor

SNAPE:
I hate you, Potter
They should expel you
I can't stand you two

McGONAGALL:
Still, I must impress upon you
Of the seriousness
Of what you've done, you'll get detention
And a letter to your folks

DUMBLEDORE:
You're free to go now
I hope that you know now
Not to take flying cars up to school
Off to bed, you two

Back up in the common room there
is a party that was planned for you (hohoho, hehehe, hahaha)
See how they laugh
All on your behalf
See how they think you're amazing

Fred and George are jealous
Back up in Gryffindor tower
"Why couldn't you let us come
With you in the flying car?"
Man, you should have seen their faces
When we said hello.

Got away from Fred
Ron was filled with dread
Climbed up the steps and went up to bed
As our story was spread

Random muttering

A filk by Ginger based on Blame it on the Rain by Milli Vanilli.

Scene: Snape's office. Snape has just left to get McGonagall, who, as he told Ron and Harry, has the power to expell them. Ron turns to Harry and sings:

RON:
We knew the train was leaving.
We gave a good try (good try)
To barrel through the barrier
To reach the other side.
Now we wished
That we had made it (made it)
And just rode it to the school.
We had to fly away.
Now we're gonna get the blame.
Gotta blame it on something-
Gotta blame it on something.

Blame it on the train (train)
Blame it on the car (car)
Whatever you do, just don't blame me and you
Blame it on the train, yeah, yeah.
You can blame it on the train.
ooh....

HARRY:
We can't, we can't, we can't, blame the train.
We can't, we can't, we can't, blame the train.
Yeah, yeah,
We could say we are sorry.
We could say we were wrong.

RON:
But if we're to go and do that, no, no
Snape would be right all along.

HARRY:
We could say that we were desp'rate (desp'rate)
To get back here to our school.
We wanted back so bad
That we'll have to take the blame.

RON:
Gotta blame it on something-
Gotta blame it on something.
Blame it on the train that was bound for Hogwarts.
Blame it on the car that took to flight.
Whatever you do- just don't blame me and you
Blame it on the train, yeah, yeah.

You can blame it on the train
Cuz the train can't fly
And the train ain't here.
You got to blame it on something.
Blame it on the train
Blame it on the car
Whatever you do- just don't blame me and you
Blame it on the train, yeah, yeah

repeat as necessary

To the tune of Tears On My Pillow by Little Anthony and the Imperials

THE SCENE: The Great Hall, then Snape's office. As luck would have it, the first to notice the late-arriving Harry & Ron is none other than the Potions Master Severus Snape.

SNAPE (spoken): I noticed, in my search of the park, that considerable damage seems to have been done to a very valuable Whomping Willow....

(music)
You didn't notice me, but I sure noticed you
'Twas on this very night, into our tree you flew
Cars on our Willow, tree torn apart, 'cause of you, you

If it were up to me, it would be a slam dunk
I'd gladly throw you out, for ramming our tree trunk
Cars on our Willow, rage in my heart, 'cause of you

You flew Arthur's gadget, 'twas his fav'rite toy
When they find it was your Dad's, he could lose his employ

Exit SNAPE, to retrieve Dumbledore and McGonagall

HARRY & RON
At Hogwarts we are through, our execution date
Is gonna be today, how Snape will celebrate!
Cars on their Willow, Snape lacks a heart, and we're blue, blue…

Fade-out

To the tune of When You Wish Upon a Star, from Disney's Pinocchio

THE SCENE: Before Professor's Sprout's Greenhouse. LOCKHART offers Harry some avuncular advice

LOCKHART (spoken): Don't know when I've been more shocked. Flying a car to Hogwarts! Well, of course, I knew at once why you'd done it.….Gave you a taste for publicity, didn't I? Gave you the bug. You got onto the front page of the paper with me and you couldn't wait to do it again…….

HARRY (spoken): Oh, no, Professor, see……..

LOCKHART (music)
Don't cash in yet on your scar
Make sure you lose the flying car
No one likes it when nobodies
Climb too fast.

Wait until some years go by
Then for the brass ring make a try
Let them know how You-Know-Who
Haunted your past.

Fame is cool
She'll bring you cash and crowds
But do not act too proud
'Cause that ain't charming

Soon like me, ol' Gilderoy
You'll arrive to give fans joy
When you cash in on your scar
You'll have a blast….

LOCKHART gives HARRY a conspiratorial wink, and strides off

A filk by Gail to the tune of Photograph by Def Leppard

COLIN CREEVEY:
Hey!

Wow, what luck! I can't believe!
I'm a first year, Colin Creevey
Harry Potter! It's far out!
You're the one I've heard about
I heard about you from my friends
To my father I want to send
A picture of your lightning scar
My hero, gee! And there you are

Oh, someone told me if I developed this film
Oh, oh, the pictures will move

Photograph, I just want one
Photograph, Look this way, huh?
Photograph, all I want is a photograph
But that's not enough!

I'm your big fan, sit with us
First year students, we'll discuss
All about you and your deeds
Is there something that you need?
If I didn't know Harry
I'd say he was avoiding me
We pass each other in the halls
"Hiya Harry!" I always call

Oh, someone told me if I develop this film
Oh, oh, the pictures will move

Photograph, one with Lockhart
Photograph, playing Quidditch
Photograph, Harry, I just want a photograph
Maybe you can sign it?

It really is amazing!

A filk by Terra to the tune of Cher's Half-Breed

HERMIONE:
I've made some great friends like Ron and Harry
My Muggle parents are so proud of me
Draco Malfoy said I'm a know-it-all
And something I was not expecting at all

Mudblood, first time I ever heard
Mudblood, it must be a dirty word
Mudblood, in a tone for fiends
Ron Weasley, please tell me what the heck that word means

Then Ron got angry, tried to curse him back
Clearly more than just a verbal attack
Ron said it was pureblood word of scorn
"Give her a telly, she's a Muggle-born"

Mudblood, first time I ever heard
Mudblood, it must be a dirty word
Mudblood, in a tone for fiends
Ron Weasley, please tell me what the heck that word means

Ron said it was to make me feel ashamed
That I don't deserve any claim to fame
May not be from some ancient magic clan
But I'll show them all what I really am

Mudblood, first time I ever heard
Mudblood, truly is a dirty word
Mudblood, in a tone for fiends
Ron Weasley, now I know what that awful word means

A filk by Kit to the tune of Charmless Man, by Blur

SCENE:  Harry is on his way back to the Common Room after reading the Kwikspell letter in Filch's office

HARRY
I was heading to the Common Room
Dripping with mud I really had to groom
I was caught by Filch; the trip began
To the office of a charmless man

Cleaning frog brains with the flu all day
And he was just about to make me pay
Then he heard Peeves and had to go away
I read that letter -- here's what it did say:

He wasn't educated here
Can't do spells, it's clear
Though he's a pureblood
He's just a poor dud

His horrid cat's
His only friend
He just pretends
It's not a problem
Not magically inclined

In personality and talent he's the model of a charmless man

This Kwikspell Course says it can guarantee
Improvement to any Squib enlistee
I understand how this could hurt a man's pride
But as it's Filch I think my ruth will subside

He must concede
Though he's of breed
He can't succeed
Something's gone wrongly
With his system

And though for me
Wandwork's a breeze
He's on his knees
He need some lessons
But it's too late for him

In personality and talent he's the model of a charmless man

He wasn't educated here
Can't do spells, it's clear
Though he's a pureblood
He just a poor dud

And though for me
Wandwork's a breeze
He's on his knees
He needs some lessons
But it's too late for him

In personality and talent he's the model of a charmless man

A filk by Gail to the tune of Being For The Benefit Of Mr.Kite! by the Beatles

To honor Nearly Headless Nick
There will be a horrific Death Day Party
October Thirty-first's the date
Please do come and celebrate this tragedy
He was hit in the neck forty-five times
With a blunt axe five hundred years ago
That's the way he passed away so Nicholas says

The late lamented N.H.N.
Invites every ghost to attend, and every ghoul
The party will start at seven
Deep down inside the dark dungeons of Hogwarts School
They'll be music, dancing and a buffet
Of the most putrid food money can buy
If you please, R.S.V.P. as soon as you can

Invitations have been send
The Wailing Widow will come from Kent, if we're lucky
And we expect quite a thrill
As the Headless Hunt will show their skill at Head Hockey
Having been some days in preparation
A mournful time is guaranteed for all
As a topper, Harry Potter's guest of honor

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Stevie Wonder's Superstition

The Scene: HARRY has just come across a despondent NEARLY HEADLESS NICK who is holding a translucent sheet of paper. He's just been denied a membership in the Headless Hunt because of not having the minimum qualifications.

HARRY: Is there anything I can do to help, Nick?
NICK (brightening): Yes! Can you come to my Deathday party and let Sir Properly-decapitated Podmore know that you find me quite frightening?

The music comes up and SIR NICHOLAS, boogying, really gets down with the idea:.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:
"Scary apparition," that's what you could say
"Scary apparition!" They'd let me in that way.
You shiver in your year robes when you see me gliding past
Even though my ear lobes are firmly still attached.

Just a half an inch of sinew makes a one-piece ghost.
And I suffered!
Still my application's toast.

Denying me admission, into the Headless Hunt.
"Improper disposition, because the axe was blunt."
I'm feeling pretty gloomy, on my Deathday eve.
My head is sticking to me because it didn't cleave.

When scoring headless hockey, your team just made a play
Celebration!
It's a hat trick either way, yeh, yeh

"Scary apparition!" Harry, tell him that
"Frightening condition!" When you see Sir Pat
Bring along Hermione, and ask Ron Weasley too.
I hate to sound so whiney, it's the least that you can do

Just a half an inch of sinew makes a one-piece ghost.
And I suffered!
It's what bothers me the most - no, no, no.

A paean by Amy Z to the Hogwarts ghosts, to the tune of I'm Looking Through You by (who else?) the Beatles

HARRY, HERMIONE, and RON, at Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday Party, raise a glass to toast their ghostly host:

TRIO
Here's looking through you
Tonight's your night
We'll tell Sir Patrick
That you're a fright
After half a millennium, you still look fab
Too bad your head wasn't left on the slab

MYRTLE appears

HERMIONE:
You're looking lovely

(sotto voce)
Though your skin's not clear
You float above me
Grumbling in my ear

to HARRY and RON:
She's a member of the ungrateful dead If only she'd been turned to stone instead!

(to PEEVES:)
Why, tell me why did you tell her my diss?
Now where am I to go to when I need to take a piss?

CUT TO CS chapter 11. Nick is floating immobile and horizontal next to a petrified Justin

HARRY:
I'm looking through you
Post Tom-attack
You're in a stew, you
`re seriously black
We didn't know that one could croak
Twice in one lifetime and fill with smoke.

STUDENTS to HARRY:
Why are you at this school, for goodness sakes?
We should stay far away from anyone who talks to snakes

We're looking through you
Suddenly aware:
Ol' You Know Who-oo
Knew you were the Heir
You were a hero, but now you've changed
We're looking through you, you're not the same

Harry, you've changed! etc. and fade out

A filk by Haggridd based on Tom Lehrer's The Irish Balladp> EXPLANATORY NOTE: The refrain "Mrs. Norris is done in" is intended to sound like Tom Lehrer's "rickety-tickety-tin", and so, despite the right and normal method of pronunciation, should be sung "MISSus-norRIS-is-done-IN", in order to capture the same silly rhythm as in the original.

About a cat I'll sing a song,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
About a cat I'll sing a song

Who down the corridors prowled along
And found out students who did wrong,
To Argus Filch she turned them in, them in,
To Argus Filch she turned them in.

One evening in a fit of pique,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
One evening in a fit of pique,
They found poor Nearly-Headless Nick.
The Headless Hunt was a filthy clique,
Who wouldn't let Nicholas in, -las in,
Who wouldn't let Nicholas in.

He said that it was his Deathday,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
He said that it was his Deathday,
And at his party they did stay.
But the rotting food drove them away
'Cause they didn't know where it had been, had been,
They didn't know where it had been.

They tried to get back to their Feast,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They tried to get back to their Feast,
Where everyone was not deceased,
Harry heard the words of the Beast,
Wanting to kill again, again,
Wanting to kill again.

They rushed so quickly up the stair,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They rushed so quickly up the stair,
And found these words when they got there,
"Enemies of the Heir, Beware!"
And the sight filled them all with chagrin, chagrin,
The sight filled them all with chagrin.

Thereunder hung the Caretaker's pet,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
Thereunder hung the Caretaker's pet,
As stiff as a board could ever get.
Old Argus Filch, he was quite upset,
And wailed in a hideous din, -ous din,
Wailed in a hideous din.

And when the Headmaster came by,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
And when the Headmaster came by,
He said Mrs. Norris did not die.
But was in a state of petrify,
And still had some life there within, within,
Still had some life there within.

They took her to Hospital Wing,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They took her to Hospital Wing,
Where Professor Sprout began to sing,
Said Mandrake Root was the very thing.
"It will cure her," she said with a grin, a grin,
And now, as the French would say, "Fin."

A filk by Gail to the tune of Doctor Robert by the Beatles

FILCH:
Found her hanging from the wall, Mrs. Norris
When I saw her there I started to waul, "Mrs. Norris!"

Mrs. Norris. I am not going to pretend
She's my one and only friend
Did her life come to an end? Mrs. Norris

Dumbledore, he checked her out, Mrs. Norris
He told me without a doubt, Mrs. Norris

"Mrs. Norris, Argus Filch, she hasn't died
She was somehow petrified"
I sat there and cried for Mrs. Norris

Oh, no, no, she's petrified
Oh I know who did it
Harry Potter!

He was found at the scene of the crime, Harry Potter
This boy's in trouble all the time, Harry Potter

Harry Potter. He found out I am a Squib
Though I tried to keep it hid
But I know what he did to Mrs. Norris

Oh, no, no, Potter is lyin'
Oh, I know he hated Mrs. Norris

What am I going to do without Mrs. Norris?
What am I going to do without Mrs. Norris?
Mrs. Norris

To the tune of Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers

THE SCENE: History of Magic classroom. The normal somnolence of PROFESSOR BINNS' class is abruptly dispelled when HERMIONE asks the question on everyone's mind……

HERMIONE (spoken): Professor, I was wondering if you could tell us anything about the Chamber of Secrets…

BINNS (scornfully): My subject is History of Magic. I deal with facts, Miss Granger, not myths and legends….The legend of which you speak is such a very sensational, even ludicrous tale… (relenting in the face of the students' fascination) Oh, very well…..Let me see ... the Chamber of Secrets ...

(music)
When Hogwarts' founding parents first made pledge-ins
(An episode lost long ago to legend)
A dispute arose, it's told
If Mudbloods should be enrolled
Slyth'rin swore he'd not let that thin wedge edge in

Secret Chamber plan, Secret Chamber plan
Salazar declared that Hogwarts School should ev'ry Muggle ban

Slyth'rin, they say, then launched furtive construction
Of a place to purge Hogwarts of rank corruption
For in time his truest heir
Would unleash from this dark lair
A horror who would need no introduction

Secret Chamber plan, Secret Chamber plan
His goal of ethnic cleansing was how this whole thing began

Of course this story is the merest fancy
It can't be true, there's not even a chance, see!
I deal only with the facts
And verified historic acts
Of the deeds of warlocks, goblins and of banshees

I'll disclaimers chant of this lame old rant
This story's too fantastic, and the proofs are far too scant!

A filk by Stickbook to the tune of Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder, on his album Songs in the Key of Life

SCENE: HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are sitting in History of Magic. They are talking about the mysterious voices HARRY's heard. Outside the classroom they can hear PEEVES playing a trumpet.

HERMIONE:
Magic is a world within itself
With a language we all comprehend

HARRY:
That is so easy for you to say
You got a 98% again
(drops voice to a whisper)
In detention with Gilderoy
-He's such a nincompoop-
But I heard right away, to my dismay
That the voice started to move!

RON (to HARRY):
Can you hear it all over?
Can you hear it all over, Harry?
(whispers to HERMIONE):
Can he hear it all over?
Or could it be imaginary?

PROF. BINNS' boring lecture is nearly drowned out by PEEVES's trumpet outside

HERMIONE (raising hand):
All the books don't say a single thing
Oh, Professor, please explain this threat

PROF BINNS:
Here are some of Hogwarts' pioneers
And this is legend, let us not forget
There's Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw
And Godric Gryffindor
And with a monster like Sal's hiding out
Guess what the Chamber's for

HARRY (rather loudly):
I can hear it hunting Muggle-borns!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!
There's a danger that I've got to forewarn!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

I can hear it hunting Colin Creevy!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!
Could that evil person really be me?
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

PEEVES suddenly bursts into the classroom with his trumpet

HARRY (yelling now):
I can hear it hunting Hermione!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!
Does this have to do with that diary?
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

Can't you hear it all over?
Can't you hear it all over Hogwarts?
I can hear it all over!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

RON and HERMIONE try very hard to look comforting, but it doesn't work so well. After a while PROF BINNS manages to oust PEEVES and his trumpet.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Golden Slumbers by the Beatles<

Once there was a team of Quidditch players
Once there was a team, for Gryffindor
C'mon, Harry Potter, you must fly
Watch out for that Bludger coming by

Golden Snitch is within sight
Reach your hand out, hold on tight
C'mon Harry Potter, you must try
But that Bludger keeps coming by

Once there was a team of Quidditch players
Once there was a team, for Gryffindor
C'mon Harry Potter, you must try
But that Bludger keeps coming by

A filk by Haggridd of the song The Baseball Game from the Clark Gesner musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

SCENE: Oliver Wood is relating the strange events that occurred during the 1992 Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch match (Harry's second year).

OLIVER WOOD:
There is no team, like the best team,
Which is our team right here.
Gryffindor team is the best team
In the Hogwarts Quidditch league this year.

And in no time we'll be big-time,
I just know our turn's come up;
For all we have to do is just beat Slytherin
And we'll win the House Quidditch Cup.

Dear pen-pal...

You'll never guess what happened today at the Quidditch match.
It's hard to believe what happened today at the Quidditch match.
I was the Keeper and Harry was Seeker,
The rest of the team was the same as always,
But somehow or other disaster struck at the Quidditch match.

Saturday morn, we got up quite early, our hearts were stout.
Eleven o' clock, and Madam Hooch let all the four balls out.
Slytherin quickly led sixty to nought,
We thought they could never be caught, I tell you
The Gryffindor Seven would never win if soon they didn't get hot.

Katie Bell scored by catching the Quaffle
And tossing it right through the hoop.
Angelina and Alicia Spinnet
Flew in a precise "loop-the-loop".

Fred and George Weasley, our Beaters,
Each wielded his Bat.
They tried to prevent either Bludger
From squashing us flat.

Harry looked up and then he caught sight of the Golden Snitch
Fluttering high way up in the sky of the Quidditch pitch.
Somebody tampered and made a Rogue Bludger
It hit him before he could twitch.

Dear pen-pal, I'm sure our Professors mean us no harm,
But when Gilderoy Lockhart was finished, Harry had no arm.

Yours in Fellowship,
Oliver Wood

To the tune of We Are the World

THE SCENE: The Hogwarts' Quidditch Field. Gryffindor defeats Slytherin in a particularly brutal match, but not without cost to HARRY.

GEORGE, FRED & OLIVER
There was a game in which Harry took a fall
When the Snitch he snatched with a shattered arm
His broom he was flying
Through the torrential storm and hale
For our team he gave his all!

HARRY (lying in the mud and rain)
I psyched out Malfoy to make this winning ploy
But my right arm's angle now is so bent
It sustained a Bludger blow that smashed up my elbow

LOCKHART (suddenly making his way forward)
Here's good news, you know,
I am all you need…

Your arm was hurled
From off its broomstick
But with a magic charm of mine
Its full use you'll resume quick,
With this spell I'm casting
For mending what's been broke:
Good thing I'm such a helpful bloke
Please don't thank me.

HARRY (panicked)
Will someone please remove this man in turquoise?
Get Pomfrey here before my arm he destroys!

LOCKHART
Harry is in such pain he babbles without sense
But soon his gratitude will be immense

LOCKHART and GRYFFINDOR TEAM
Your arm was hurt
Aboard your Nimbus
But I/he know(s) what the spell
That can patch up your limb is
Right now you're injured,
And feeling sick, we see

LOCKHART
But when I'm through you'll have no bone
To pick with me

Lockhart waves his wand

LOCKHART (spoken) Ah, yes. Well, that can sometimes happen……

A filk by Lilac to the tune of The Beatles' Carry That Weight

Boy, that Bludger sure had your name
Sure had your name upon it.
Boy, let Lockhart fix all your bones
Poof! No more bones? Oh, darn it!

DOBBY (to Harry in the Hospital Wing):
Harry Potter must go back home
Dobby had to close the wall to Sir's train
And Dobby gave that rogue bludger its bad brain,
Please go home!

HARRY:
Elf, you'd better get outta here
Get outta here before long!
Or, when all my bones reappear,
Bones reappear, I'll kill ya!

A filk by Vocalion to the tune of Let Me Entertain You from the musical Gypsy

THE SCENE: SNAPE sings a little song to himself as he makes his way to the Great Hall to assist Lockhart at the Dueling Club.

SNAPE:
Let me Expelliarmus!
Let me make you squirm
I know quite a few spells
Some old and tried and true spells
You insipient, feckless worm
I'll use my tricks, see
And put your pixies
Where the sun don't shine
So, let me Expelliarmus!
And I'll have a real good time

Let me Expelliarmus!
Let me muss your hair
I'd like to hex your teeth out
I'll even get a wreath out
And bury you right there
And if you brag, dear
I'll bring a hag here
For a holiday sublime
So, let me Expelliarmus!
And I'll have a real good time

Let me Expelliarmus!
Let me watch you fry
I'll gladly curse your bones out
While you lay there letting groans out
I'll even Stupefy!
You won't get Skele-Gro
'Cause I'll say hell, no
You'll have to lay supine
So, let me Expelliarmus!
And I'll have a real good time, yes sir
I'll have a real good time

A filk by The Dark Evil One to the tune of Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy

SCENE: The Dueling Club scene

LOCKHART: (spoken): Let me introduce my assistant… Professor Snape! He has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration! Now I don't want any of you youngsters to worry; you'll still have your Potions Master when I'm through with him…never fear…

The Snapester glides forward

SNAPE: (sings)
I'm too sexy for my cape
Too sexy for my cape
Snape, Potions Master…

I'm too sexy for my class
Too sexy for my class
So sexy, it's crass…

I'm too sexy for Hogwarts
Too sexy for Hogwarts
And Lord Voldemort…

I'm too sexy for your movie
Too sexy for your movie
The way I'm stealin' scenes, now!

I hate Lockhart
You know what I mean?
And I do my little turn with a half smirk…
Yeah, with a half smirk
With a half smirk, yeah
Then I'll do another turn with a whole smirk…

I'm too sexy for my nose
Too sexy for my nose
And all my black robes…

I'm too sexy for shampoo
Too sexy for shampoo
Far too sexy for you!

I hate Weasley
You know what I mean?
As I do my little turn with a half smirk…
Yeah, with a half smirk
With a half smirk, yeah
Then I'll do another turn with a whole smirk…

Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my

I hate Potter
You know what I mean?
As I do my little turn with a half smirk…
Yeah, with a half smirk
On the half smirk, yeah
I wave my little wand with a half smirk …

I'm too sexy for Rickman
Too sexy for Rickman
He's good, but…
Is he too old?

I'm too sexy for my cape
Too sexy for my cape
Snape, Potions Master…

And I'm too sexy for this club!

To the tune of I Could Have Danced All Night from Lerner and Loewe's My Fair Lady

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. Hogwarts students are excited over the debut of the Dueling Club - until they learn who will be teaching it…...

CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Board, board, upon the notice board,
A Dueling Club is now coming around
Train, train, who'll train us in this fight?
It looks like it will be that Lockhart clown

Enter an exuberant LOCKHART, followed by an ill-tempered SNAPE

LOCKHART
I'm good to fence tonight
Dark Arts Defense, that's right
With wands instead of blades

All of my published works
Show I'm a Captain Kirk
In robes deep plum in shade

Now you will see why all find me exciting
When with my aide I show my skill
And when I cry Expel-
liarmus you will tell
I'm good to fence, fence, fence all night

SLYTHERINS
Snape's full of wrath now

HUFFLEPUFFS
Just do the math now

RAVENCLAWS & GRYFFINDORS
Lockhart's as good as dead

LOCKHART repeats his previous verses. CHORUS sings in counterpoint

LOCKHART & (CHORUS)
I'm good to fence tonight (Retire now, or you'll be dead)
Dark Arts Defense, that's right (Your fate's foregone, it's straight ahead)
With wands instead of blades (Lockhart, goodnight; don't let bedbugs bite)
(Is it really true your folks were too inbred?)
All of my published works (Come run away, while you've a chance)
Show I'm a Captain Kirk (Or Snape will slay you with a glance)
In robes deep plum in shade
(Lockhart the late; Snape will cremate)
(Sir, you'll lie in state)
Now you will see why all find me exciting
When with my aide I show my skill
And when I cry Expel- (Throw down your wand, we'll never tell)
liarmus you will tell (Now grab your robes and run like hell.)
I'm good to fence, fence, fence all night

SNAPE (to himself)
This guy is dense, all right
Scarcely a Mensan-ite
Beware my scarlet flash

Although it's impolite
I cannot stand his sight
Him into wall I'll smash

Now he will see what started me knife-fighting
Why I at once felt hate-filled spite
It's 'cause I know that blonde
Ain't fit to hold a wand
Lockhart I'll damn, damn, damn all night!

End music. The two wizards face one another in "the approved combative position."

LOCKHART (spoken) One - two - three…..

SNAPE (spoken) Expelliarmus!

Snape's spell blasts Lockhart off his feet and hurls him backward against a wall

LOCKHART (struggling to his feet, looking not unlike Wile E. Coyote) Well, there you have it!

LOCKHART again topples over backwards

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Hair by The Cowsills

GRYFFINDOR CHORUS:
Harry asked him why…

HARRY:
Why…. I'm a scary guy
They fear me day and (CHORUS) nighty night night
I gave my friends a fright
They watch me where I go

Don't ask me why… (CHORUS)Cause I don't know
Is it those words I sung
In Parseltongue
(HARRY/CHORUS)Tell me…

Am I Slytherin's heir?
Am I his heir?
Tell me I think everyone should think so
Could I be his heir? (heir)
Just like Voldemort now (heir)
Killed my daddy
Killed my mama
Can you tell me am I really his heir (heir heir heir heir heir heir heir)

Oh no
I think
That I really could be his heir

Well do I have what it takes?
Can I talk to the snakes?
Those are the signs of his heir
Do I have the keys to
The home for the Basilisk

I'm so worried
I'm lost for words
And I just can't help but wonder if I'm his heir (heir heir heir heir heir heir heir)

Am I?
Tell me?
Do you really think that I'm his heir

HERMIONE
I didn't know that you're a parsel
sort of thing is kinda rare now
If it's really really true
Than you'd get sorted Slytherin

HARRY:
Sorting hat he tried it
But I did debate it
Now I wonder if I'm tangled
In the wrong house cause
I wouldn't let him.

RON, FREG & GEORGE
Oh say can you talk to the snakes
If you can, than you are his heir

SEAMUS
Slytherin!

NEVILLE
Slytherin!

DEAN:
Slytherin!

DRACO
Slytherin!

DUMBLEDORE
You're not his heir
No, Voldemort put in you just a piece of himself

HARRY:
So I'm not Slytherin's heir
I'm not his heir
Although I have some of Voldy's powers
So I'm really not the heir (HEIR!)
It is Voldemort now (HEIR!)
`Cause I could pull the sword out
That means that I'm a
Gryffindorrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(dor… dor… dor… dor…. dor…. dor… dorrrrr….)
Know it
Show it
Long as I live, I'm a Gryffindorrrrrrrrrrrrrr………
(dor… dor… dor… dor…. dor…. dor… dorrrrr….)
(repeat)

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Prince Ali from Disney's Aladdin.

RON, GRED, FORGE, and LEE JORDAN continue to mockingly promote Harry as the Heir of Slytherin. They flank Harry and march down the hallway, chanting:

Make way! It's Heir Harry!
Say hey! It's Heir Harry!

GRED & FORGE, (singing)
Hey, clear the way through the Hogwart's halls!
Hey Cho!
Draco too!
All the guys and dolls!
Oh come!
Be the first from your House to hear his stance!

Hey Flint!
Better split!
Your Quidditch team quit!
Are you gonna fear his glance!

Heir Harry! Malevolent he!
Heir of Slytherin On your knees, begging him please
To hear your plea
Now pack your bags and get out
Or he'll make you scream and shout
And trust us, he won't show you one bit of mercy!

Heir Harry!
Nasty is he!
Heir of Slytherin
He could kick your sorry butt undoutedly!

He faced the flying key hordes
Beat McGonagall's chess board
He's best friends with the Dark Lord
That Heir Harry

He's got a great heap of golden galleons
Silver sickles
He's got many more
As for coins of huge denominations
Has he got a few!
I'm telling you, counting them's quite a daunting chore!

Heir Harry! Scary is he, Heir of Slytherin
Lightning scar, avoid a spar
'Cause he's deadly
If I were you, Hufflepuff
I'd give him all of my stuff
And whimper, grovel, and fear this Heir Harry

(Sung in counterpoint by various students, led by JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY):
There's no question this Harry is heartless
Never lily-livered, never gutless
Harry is a seriously evil wizard
He's a hexer, he's a fright, a curser!
And don't you dare call him a usurper!
Or he will transfigure you into a lizard!

HOGWARTS' STUDENTS:
He can cast all the Unforgiveables
(He casts those curses. Those dreaded curses)
When you see him you should turn and flee
(He's odious, so odious!)
And he plans to get rid of the Muggles
They clear out a path, fear his great wrath
But baddies promise loyalty to Harry! Heir Harry!

GRED AND FORGE, capering down the hall pretending to be terrified of Harry; their song is joined by the rest of the students at "Release some chimaeras, dragons galore"

Heir Harry! Spiteful is he! Harry wizard king
Yes his monsters are a sight fearsome to see!
Wizards and witches it's time, Secret Chamber open wide
Release some chimaeras, dragons galore
Lethifolds and trolls
And a manticore
Acromantula, nundu, demiguise
His quintaped ain't pretty!
Cower from Heir Harry!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Smuggler's Blues by Glenn Fry

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY (sung just before the Basilisk attacked him):
There's trouble at Hogwarts this year
The writing's on the wall
Filch's cat was petrified
She was found hanging in the hall

Most everyone was shaken
By the message written there
"The Chamber Has Been Opened
Enemies Of The Heir, Beware!"
A grinning Malfoy pushed his way
To the front and said
"You all will be next, Mudbloods!"
And terror began to spread
I just stood there without speaking
My heart was filled with dread

Why does it have to be like this?
There is nothing we can do
Will you listen to my story?
It's the Muggle son's blues

The whispers and the rumors
The gossip and the talk
Walking to and from your classes
Afraid of being stalked
They say that Harry Potter
Was found there at the scene
He'd gotten Mrs. Norris
Because Filch was being mean
The monster from the Chamber
They say it can't be tracked
That first year Colin Creevey -
Now he has been attacked
Must have been annoying Harry
And he wanted to get him back

All the students here at Hogwarts
Wonder if it's true
The evidence is damning
It's the Muggle son's blues

At the Dueling Club last night
In front of everyone
Harry set a snake at me
And spoke in Parseltounge
I must be his next victim
He knows my profile
Ernie gave me this advice
Said, "Lay low for a while" "My name was down for Eaton,"
I told Harry when we met
The way he egged that snake towards me
Is a sight I won't forget
So although I may be a marked man
He hasn't got me yet
No, not yet

So now you know what it's like
To be standing in my shoes
It's a scary situation
It's the Muggle son's blues

Muggle son's blues

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of The Old Apartment by Barenaked Ladies

HERMIONE:
Broke into that old Snape's office
This is where he keeps his stuff
Those two boys, Ron and Harry
Will distract Snape while I search
This is where he keeps his stuff

It's Boomslang skin we need
To brew our Polyjuice
I wonder where Snape put it
This place is not very spruce

This is where he keeps his stuff
All his potions ingred'ents
All his nasty, slimy junk
These things belong to him
I think even that nasty funk

Broke into that old Snape's office
During an explo-si-on
Vials and bottles, phials and beakers
And all sorts of other junk
This is where he keeps his stuff

Why does he have this crap?
Why does he never clean?
I think I'd better hurry
Or he'll see me flee the scene

This is where he keeps his stuff
How is all the commotion?
How is all the confusion?
I hope Snape won't see me
And the Boomslang that I've taken

Now we can go and brew Polyjuice
And become a bunch of Slytherins
And find out if Draco is the Heir
I sure hope so!

This is where he keeps his stuff
Broke into that old Snape's office
Grabbed the Boomslang and I ran
Precious Boomslang, needed Boomslang
For our Polyjuice potion

I want that skin
This is where he keeps his stuff
I want that skin
This is where he keeps his stuff
I want that....skin

A filk by Prankoholic to the tune of From Zero to Hero from Disney's Hercules

THE SCENE: A corridor at Hogwarts. The petrified Justin and Sir Nicholas inspire PEEVES to a musical indictment of Harry

PEEVES:
Bless my soul
Harry's in trouble
He's the scrawny stud that's killing muds without control
What a show
He is not so slow
With help from a monster that's been here since long ago
Was a sensation
A hero, hero
Now an aberration
He's a zero
Killing off students, soon there'll be none
Potter you rotter, what have you done?
Potter you rotter, think it's good fun

When he duelled the ladies drooled
With oohs and aahs
Made a mistake, talked to a snake
Now, no applause

If someone is alone
He'll make her stone
He likes to paralyse
The teachers think he's innocent, that he's a small boy so sweet and nice

He's deranged
Always has been strange
Maybe he just felt like
Being the bad guy for a change
Four has gone
It happened discreet
Including a friend who also fell for his fab feat

Harry he comes, he sees, he hexes
He's very evil behind his speckies
Should be expelled, but he's got that scar
Potter you rotter, our famous star
Potter you rotter, you're so bizarre

Who put the arse in Paresltongue?
Harry P!
Became a star when he was young
Harry P!

Did he defeat
Lord You-Know-Who
Isn't he good?
If you only knew
Harry P, Harry P

Bless my soul
Harry's in trouble
Kills the students
He survived
And now the bad guy
So imprudent

Was a sensation
A hero, hero
Now an aberration
He's a zero

Now he's no longer in the lead
From hero to zero
Harry's a zero
Now he's a zero
Yes indeed!

To the tune of Hat's Off to Larry by Del Shannon

THE SCENE: DUMBLEDORE'S Office. In the corner is Fawkes, an aged and decrepit Phoenix. Waiting alone, HARRY can't resist trying on the SORTING HAT again

HARRY
Once I wore the Sorting Hat
My head, it went upon it
I tried it on now another time
It put this bee in my bonnet...

SORTING HAT
Hat says to Harry, I know your Sort
I tell you Slyth'rin should be your first resort
You'd best Malfoy, you'd fill Snape with joy, joy, joy
If you signed up with the Slyth'rin crew

Fawkes ignites in a fiery blaze and dissolves into ashes

HARRY (shocked)
I think this place is weird.
That bird in flames just disappeared!

SORTING HAT
But there's one more thing I gotta say

Hat says to Harry, this may sound mental
But please make sure you're not too kind and gentle
You'll reach your dreams if you to learn to scheme scheme scheme
This ol' Hat gives good advice to you

HARRY puts the HAT aside with considerable alarm

HARRY
Hat off, says Harry, you gives me chills

Enter DUMBLEDORE, unaware of HARRY's conversation with the HAT. He is pleased to see that Fawkes' rebirthing has commenced

DUMBLEDORE
My poor old Phoenix bird, he's been so very ill
In ashes lies, but pretty soon he'll rise rise rise

DUMBLEDORE shows HARRY the fledging Fawkes rising from the ashes

ALL (including HAT)
Phoenixes don't say goodbye to you
To you........
To you........

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Skip to My Lou

HERMIONE
Disembodied voices, what should we do?
Petrified felines, what should we do?
Threatening messages, what should we do?

RON
Skip to the loo with Harry

TRIO
Skip, skip, skip to the loo
Skip, skip, skip to the loo
Skip, skip, skip to the loo
Skip to the loo with Harry

HARRY
Must investigate in the loo
Myrtle interrogate in the loo
Scorch marks, water puddles are some clues

RON
Clues by the loo with Harry

TRIO
Clues, clues, clues by the loo
Clues, clues, clues by the loo
Clues, clues, clues by the loo
Clues by the loo with Harry

RON (sarcastically)
Hates squibs and mudbloods, do you know who?

HARRY
Sounds like Malfoy, but how to prove?

HERMIONE
I'll bet we have to break lots of rules
Break lots of rules with Harry

TRIO
Break, break, break lots of rules
Break, break, break lots of rules
Break, break, break lots of rules
Break lots of rules with Harry

HERMIONE
Oh! I know! We'll make Polyjuice!
Mix it up right here in the loo!
I'll make my waterproof fire here, too.
Brew in the Loo with Harry

TRIO
Brew, brew, brew in the loo
Brew, brew, brew in the loo
Brew, brew, brew in the loo
Brew in the loo with Harry

HERMIONE (as she puts in the ingredients)
Lacewing flies and leeches, too.
Fluxweed picked on a bright full moon.
Powdered horn of bicorn, too.
Stirring the brew with Harry.

TRIO
Stir, stir, stirring the brew
Stir, stir, stirring the brew
Stir, stir, stirring the brew
Stirring the brew with Harry.

HERMIONE
Shredded skin of boomslang, oooohhh.
And bits of who you change into

RON
Tell me not Crabbe's toenails, eeeewwww!
Eeeww! in the loo with Harry

TRIO
Eeeww! Eeeww! Eeeww! in the loo.
Eeeww! Eeeww! Eeeww! in the loo.
Eeeww! Eeeww! Eeeww! in the loo.
Eeeww! in the loo with Harry

HARRY
Smells like rotten cabbage stew
Looks like greasy, slimy goo

RON
Should've knocked Malfoy off his broom
Than drink the brew here, Harry

TRIO
Drink, drink, drinking the brew
Drink, drink, drinking the brew
Drink, drink, drinking the brew
While in the loo with Harry!

A filk by Gail to the tune of the Christmas carol Silver Bells

HARRY AND RON:
Here at Hogwarts, our school Hogwarts
Celebrating in style
The Great Hall's
Decorated for Christmas

With mistletoe
Enchanted snow
Having fun all the while
But later on we'll be breaking
Some rules

Polyjuice, Polyjuice
We'll change into Crabbe and Goyle
He'll confess, won't have to guess
If Malfoy is Slytherin's heir

Double attack, raised a panic
These attacks have to end
We suspect that it
Has to be Malfoy

Myrtle's toliet, we're duplicates
Of Malfoy's two best friends
We have only one hour
To see...

Polyjuice, Polyjuice
We'll change into Crabbe and Goyle
He'll confess, won't have to guess
If Malfoy is Slytherin's heir

A filk by Pippin to the tune of the Beatles' Something

The Scene: Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom, Christmas Day, 1992

HARRY and RON:
Something in the stuff she brewed
Has given us the perfect cover
Something in the stuff she brewed us

RON:
You look just like Goyle right now

HARRY:
I don't want to look and how

HERMIONE (from her stall)
One glass of this polyjuice
And I'll be going undercover
One glass and I'll (erp!) -- excuse me.

RON and HARRY:
She won't go with us to see
What's up with Hermione?

One hour later

HERMIONE:
So, did you find out who's the heir?

RON and HARRY:
We don't know, we don't know

HERMIONE:
I think this wasn't Millie's hair

MYRTLE:
Now you've got a tail, ho! ho!

HERMIONE:
Something in that stuff I brewed
Has given me a spot of bother
Something in the stuff has
-- Dear me!

I don't want to leave here now
I don't want to leave and how
(Meow! Meow! Meow!)
(Meow! Meow! Meow!)

A filk by Polish Girl to the tune of I Am The Walrus by The Beatles.

I am here and you are here
an' we're not s'posed to be together
I'm not gonna run like a bullet from a gun
Not gonna try to fly
I'm crying
Sitting in the stands
Waiting for you to catch the Snitch
Population debates, stupid bloody Chamber
Potter you been a rotter

You let the Bas'lisk go

I am a Weasley
I have six brothers
I am Virginia
Goo goo g' joob

Professor Snape sneakin'
Greasy little git, always in a row
Watchin' how you fly like a blur in the sky
I'm not gonna run
I'm crying
You're crying, we're crying
Twitchy little ferret
Bouncing like a rubber ball
Minute little Flitwick
Goddess of knowledge
Filch, where is your Norris girl
Knickers has she not

I am a Weasley
I have six brothers
I am Virginia
Goo goo g' joob

Sitting in my little corner
Waiting for HIM to come
If he don't come I'll have a cold bum

From sitting on the concrete floor

I am a Weasley
I have six brothers
I am Virginia
Goo goo g' joob

Expert Seeker meanie Malfoy
Don't you think my brothers laugh at you?
See how they smile like angels in the sky
See how they sneak!
You're crying

Professor Sprout climbing the Whomping Willow
Silly old Lockhart singing his own praises
Man, you should have seen them kissing
Nearly Headless Nick

I am a Weasley
I have six brothers
I am Virginia
Goo goo g' joob
Goo goo g' joob
Goo goo g' goo
goo goo g' joob goo
juba juba juba
juba juba juba
juba juba juba juba
juba juba

A filk by Gail to the tune of You've Got To Hide Your Love Away by the Beatles

GINNY:
Here I stand, book in hand
Tom Riddle's diary
Riddle he wrote to me
But I was deceived

Everywhere students scared
'Cause of Slytherin's heir
I suspect, now I reject
And I must declare

Hey, I've got to throw this book away
Hey, I've got to throw this book away

Can't believe I was naive
Tom controlling me
Opened the Chamber of
Secrets, now I see

So much fear from this book here
Everyone's at threat
Have a thought, I just ought
To throw it in the toilet

Hey, I've got to throw this book away
Hey, I've got to throw this book away

Repeat chorus until exhausted.

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Diary by Bread

Setting: Ginny Weasley comes to realize that her new friend, Tom Riddle, may not be a true friend after all....

GINNY:
I found his diary accidentally
But words on it, I could not see
I started writing, and to my surprise
Some ghostly words started to rise
It seems that I have found the friend I'm searching for
I'll tell him 'bout me. Tell him 'bout Harry....

On the stone wall, there was some writing there
Told the rise of Slytherin's heir
The creature in the chamber was unleashed
Enemies of the heir, beware.
And though I don't know why
Or how, I can't deny.
I told him 'bout me. Told him 'bout Harry....

He wants to come back to life
Cause more mayhem and more strife
Kill all Mudbloods he will find.

I found his diary accidentally.
Tom started taking over me
I killed the chickens, wrote words on the wall
He's not my friend, that's clear to see
To get to Harry then, he was just using me.
I told him 'bout me. Told him 'bout Harry....

He wants to come back to life
Cause more mayhem and more strife
Kill all Mudbloods he will find
Kill all Mudbloods he will find.

A filk by R. J. Lupin to the tune of Backdoor Love from the Josie and the Pussycats movie

SCENE: Tom Riddle is in the Chamber singing about the Basilisk, who wants to go kill. Ginny sits up in the common room writing in her diary, about to be possessed again soon.

TOM:
Mmm...yeah...
Hey......yeah...
Hogwarts killer
Ooh..........yeah

Salazar Slytherin had started this noble work

BASILISK:
Rip, tear, kill

TOM:
Gettin' rid of Mudbloods since they all had been such jerks

BASILISK:
Time to kill

TOM:
Keeping magic learning in the hands of those pureblood
If it don't apply, get out, because you just are some mud

All you Mudbloods think you're safe in your room
Mudbloods, you watch out, it will get you soon

It's the Hogwarts killer
The horror of the Chamber's been released
Hogwarts killer
You'll see his eyes and die from the beast
Hogwarts killer
Oh the Mudbloods, he's comin' out for you
The damage a little book can do

It's not only hard work you know, it is also so much fun
I let him out of the Chamber, we're killin' one by one
And soon enough the Mudbloods in Hogwarts will all be gone
And when they are, Lord Voldemort is gonna carry on

All you Mudbloods think you're safe in your room
Mudbloods, you watch out, it will get you soon

It's the Hogwarts killer
The horror of the Chamber's been released
Hogwarts killer
You'll see his eyes and die from the beast
Hogwarts killer
Oh the Mudbloods, he's comin' out for you
The damage a little book can do

GINNY:
Tommy
Like a friend in my pocket and
Tom Riddle
I'm just feeling really confused
Tommy
I don't know what I have been doing at all
It feels like I've been being used...

TOM:
It's the Hogwarts killer
The horror of the Chamber's been released
Hogwarts killer
You'll see his eyes and die from the beast
Hogwarts killer
Oh the Mudbloods, he's comin' out for you
The damage a little book can do

BASILISK:
I smell blood
Been so hungry for so long
I smell blood
Kill...
I smell blood
Been so hungry for so long
Rip, tear, kill...

During the following, the Basilisk shouts things like "Rip, tear, kill!" and "I smell blood!" as Tom sings

TOM:
It's the Hogwarts killer
The horror of the Chamber's been released
Hogwarts killer
You'll see his eyes and die from the beast
Hogwarts killer
Oh the Mudbloods, he's comin' out for you
The damage a little book can do

It's the Hogwarts killer
The horror of the Chamber's been released
Hogwarts killer
You'll see his eyes and die from the beast
Hogwarts killer
Oh the Mudbloods, he's comin' out for you
The damage a little book can do

It's the Hogwarts killer
The horror of the Chamber's been released
Hogwarts killer
You'll see his eyes and die from the beast
Hogwarts killer
Oh the Mudbloods, he's comin' out for you
The damage a little book can do

Tom laughs maniacally as the song ends