The Chamber Man

 A Chamber of Secrets musical based on Meredith Wilson's The Music Man arranged by JustLivePosthumously

ACT I

Dobby Is Your Servant (Dobby)
The Weasleys Will Rescue You Tonight! (Fred, George & Ron)
Borgin and Burkes (Borgin, Lucius, Draco, Customers)
Goodlookin' Lockhart (Lockhart, Chrorus of Admirers)
Flourish and Blotts (Lucius Malfoy, Arthur Weasley)
Pureblood Mania! (Chorus of Purebloods, Crabbe, Goyle, Draco)
Read A Little - Heir Of Slytherin (Hogwarts Students, Hufflepuff Students, Hannah, Ernie)
Who Knows Who's Right (Harry Potter)
Polyjuice Potion (The Trio)

ACT II

Riddle (Tom Riddle Quartet)
Rubeus the Dubious (Tom Riddle)
Seventy-Six Spiders (Fudge, Lucius, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Harry & Ron)
Ya Got Trouble (Lockhart)
She's All Right (Alright) (Harry & Ron)
Ginny Weasley/Will I Ever Tell (Ginny Weasley, Tom Riddle Quartet)
The Way To The Chamber (Harry, Ron, Lockhart)
It's You (Tom Riddle Quartet)
That's What You Do (Harry, and the entire company)

Copyright 2008 by JustLivePosthumously

AUTHOR'S NOTE:The Music Man is filled with gossiping, false identities, and hatred toward salesman. I linked it with The Chamber of Secrets because they both include many fakes, some comedy, and the cheesiness of Lockhart/Harold (Harry!) Hill. I gave the quartet songs to Tom Riddle's diary. It is rather eerie to have Tom only able to communicate through four-part harmony.

This filk-musical is based on the original Broadway Cast album.

ACT I

Dobby Is Your Servant

Adapted from Gary, Indiana

Harry enters his room, and Dobby is waiting in the dark. After some converse and head-bashing, Dobby explains himself

DOBBY:
Dobby is your servant, Dobby is your servant, Dobby is your servant
He will do the best for you
Dobby is your servant, Dobby is your servant, Dobby is your servant
That's the only job I do
If you'd like to have a logical explanation
How I happened on this terrible occupation
I will say without a moment of hesitation
For a house-elf, see
Cannot e'er be free
Oh, Dobby is your servant, Dobby is your servant
You are very humble, kind, direct, and honored. Yes!
But Dobby is your servant
Dobby is your servant
Dobby is your servant
I'll try my best

I cannot give you the slightest of indication
Of the rules regarding slavery vindication
All the fam'lies in the house-elf syndication
Are the pureblood race
Now I bash my face
Oh, Dobby is your servant, Dobby is your servant
Please forgive me, sorry, but I cannot let you go
For Dobby is your servant
Dobby is your servant,
Dobby is your servant,
The best you'll know

The Weasleys Will Rescue You Tonight!

Adapted from Sadder But Wiser Girl For Me

After receiving the notice from the Ministry, Harry Potter feels trapped, like he'll never be able to go to Hogwarts or leave the Dursley. But suddenly, the Weasleys show up flying outside the window in their father's Ford Anglia - Harry lets them inside

FRED (spoken)
No fed up, crazy nasty gibbering Uncle Vernon will ever hold you…

GEORGE (spoken)
That kinda man don't know his left from his right…

FRED (spoken)
Now listen, boy-
No boy who breaks a little magic law
Will be the laughingstock of Hogwarts and be the big guffaw

(sung) I have no affirmative, you would do it
Oh well, I know we will get through it
Your silly, serious, stupid Uncle Vernon
No sir!
He won't be able to keep you here
I can tell you that right now
Let's go, don't fear - How can anyone ever catch us here?
It's true, that we - are the guys that can get you to safety
With us, Weasleys - any lock you can find, we've got the keys
The Weasleys will rescue you tonight!

GEORGE (sung)
We've come to take you, make you, save you, oh, Harry!
Listen now
We only want to help you have a little fun
I prefer our little Ford, get your bags and hop on board
No other good friends
Would keep defending, all the time, we're not pretending
No buddy, boy-oh, brethren, old boy!
No sir!
Why we're the best of them, they're the rest, you see? PLOP!
C'mon, get in - we're the jolliest friends a boy could win
You'll want to hide - all your limbs and appendages deep inside
You will have fun - after all the ride has only just begun
The Weasleys have rescued you tonight, oh yeah!

ALL THREE WEASLEYS
The Weasleys have rescued you tonight!

Borgin and Burkes

Adapted from Overture-Rock Island

Harry enters Borgin and Burkes of Knockturn Alley via the Floo Network. He hides among the artifacts as the Malfoys enter the store. A few other customers occasionally come in also

(spoken) BORGIN: Mornin' mister Malfoy, morning mister Malfoy
LUCIUS: You're open for the day, I need a good place for a trade in
BORGIN: All right, all right
DRACO: Father, when do I get my present.
LUCIUS: Why, I'm right on it, Draco, you need a new broomstick. 'S that what you want?
DRACO: No sir!
LUCIUS: Ha, ha! Nor anybody else.
BORGIN: Lookin' for a gift, Malfoy, right. Borgin's got it, right

rhythmically spoken, becoming more heated

BORGIN: Cash for the magic arts, cash for the evil tricks
LUCIUS: Cash for the pride and fame, cash for the Dark Arts
BORGIN: Cash for the whispered curse, cash for the potions
DRACO: Cash for the presents and the priceless little knick-knacks
LUCIUS: Cash for the broomsticks, books, and betterment
BORGIN: Cash for the locket, and the skulls, and the spiderwebs
CUSTOMER 1: Look whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayatalk?
CUSTOMER 2: Wheredayagitit?
CUSTOMER 1: Whatayatalk?
LUCIUS: Ya can talk, ya can talk, ya can bicker, ya can talk, ya can bicker, bicker, bicker, bicker, ya can talk, ya can talk, ya can talk, talk, talk, talk, bicker, bicker, bicker, ya can talk all ya wanta but it's different than it was
BORGIN: No it ain't, no it ain't, but ya gotta hate the Ministry!
CUSTOMERS: Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh
LUCIUS: Why it's the Muggle's new act made the trouble, made the wizards wanna help, wanna hide, wanna hide, wanna hit up and hide
Seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve, fourteen, twenty-two, twenty-three raids by the Ministry
CUSTOMERS: Yes sir, yes sir
BORGIN: Who's gonna patronize a little bitty Dark Arts store kinda store anymore?
CUSTOMER 1: Whatayatalk, whatayatalk?
CUSTOMER 2: Wheredayagitit?
LUCIUS: Not the Ministry at all, take a gander at the school, at the Hogwarts school, where the Muggle-Bloods rule, at the Muggle-Blood Hogwarts Half-Blood watered-down magic school
CUSTOMER 1: Whatayatalk. whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayatalk whatyatalk?
CUSTOMER 2: Wheredayagitit?
CUSTOMER 1: Whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayatalk?
CUSTOMER 2: Wheredayagitit?
LUCIUS: Ya can talk, ya can bicker, ya can talk, ya can bicker ya can talk, talk, talk, talk, bicker, bicker, bicker, ya can talk all ya wanta but it's different than it was
BORGIN: No it ain't, but ya gotta hate the Ministry!
LUCIUS: Why, it's a, you gotta Muggle, made the trouble, you gotta, you gotta, help the Muggles out of trouble, out of trouble. You gotta Muggle out of trouble with a new act made by Mr. Weasley
Obsolete, obsolete!
DRACO: Obsolete, obsolete!
BORGIN: Obsolete!
LUCIUS: Mr. Weasley went out the window, with his pureblood family out with the trash, changed the approach of the pureblood family, made it pretty hard
BORGIN: No it didn't, no it didn't, but ya gotta hate the Ministry!
CUSTOMER 1: Gone, gone…
LUCIUS: Gone with the family rights and heritage, gone with the darker magic, Muggle-hatin' purebloods, gone with the truth and the rights and the power!
DRACO: And who've we left to blame, but that stupid Potter!
LUCIUS: Potter!
BORGIN: Potter!
CUSTOMER 1: Potter?
CUSTOMER 2: Potter?
OTHER CUSTOMERS: Potter!
SHRUNKEN HEAD: Potter!
PARROT or OWL: Potter!
DRACO: Potter.
ALL: AARGH!!
CUSTOMER 1: Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute
CUSTOMER 2: Never liked that little Potter boy!
DRACO: Oh he doesn't hate the Ministry
BORGIN: Doesn't hate the Ministry?
CUSTOMER 1: What's the wizard's line?
DRACO: Doesn't worry 'bout his line
CUSTOMER 2: Doesn't worry 'bout his line?
DRACO: Or the Muggle lovers bein' obsolete, or the purebloods are better by a good deal heritage family, or the Ministry fools
CUSTOMER 1: Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute!
DRACO: Never worries 'bout his line
CUSTOMER 2: Never worries 'bout his line?
DRACO: Or a doggone thing. He's just a worn out, wand waving, cheap shot, worshipped, high and mighty, scum beetle, everybody loves him - Half-Blood! That's our little Harry Potter, Harry Potter!
CUSTOMER 1: Tell us, who's his friends!
CUSTOMER 2: Who's his friends!
BORGIN: He's a crook, and he doesn't hate the ministry!
CUSTOMER 1: Look, whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayatalk, whatayatalk?
DRACO: He's a foolish boy
CUSTOMER 1: He's a what?
CUSTOMER 2: He's a what?
DRACO: He's a foolish boy and he bonds everyday with the kids at the school that are big Mudbloods and Weasley's sons, Longbottom, Longbottom, the Granger girl, Granger girl. All Gryffindors too! With the shiny gold braid on the robe and the big red tie, runnin'…
LUCIUS: Well, I don't know much about you, but I don't want to look like a Potter-hating snob club, no sir
Maybe not his friend, perhaps, but Draco, let me say that…
DRACO: No, that Potter is trash, just trash. I couldn't ever like him. But he thinks he's a king and he flounces and he feathers and he plucks and he shines and when the boy dances, certainly Dad, what else? The teachers praise him! Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir, yes sir. Yessir. When boy the dances, certainly boys, what else? The teachers praise him!
ALL: Yesssir, yesssir!
BORGIN: But he doesn't hate the Ministry!

The Malfoys and customers exit. Borgin turns his back and Harry escapes. He runs into the Weasleys and Grangers.

Goodlookin' Lockhart

Adapted from Shi-poo-pi!

Harry and the Weasleys are shopping at Flourish and Blotts, where Gilderoy is having a book-signing

LOCKHART'S ANNOUNCER (spoken) Calm down ladies…don't push…all right everybody, here he is….
The one and only -- Gilderoy Lockhart

LOCKHART (sung)
Now the wizard who smiles for an autograph pose
And battles with a yeti
And the wizard whose faces is the number one shows
I'm anything but petty
For the wizard you see is the trouncer of tolls
Look at my nose, ev'ryone knows
From my head down to my toes - I'm just good-lookin'
Good-lookin', good-lookin', good-lookin'!

MEN
The girls can never part

LOCKHART
When lookin', when lookin', when lookin'

WOMEN
At Gilderoy Lockhart

LOCKHART
Take a good look, and sell for profit
Makin' first page on the Daily Prophet
Cut the photo out, it's for you locket
Never get far, 'cuz I'm in your pocket

ALL
G - I - L - D - E - R - Oh my!
L - O - C - K - H - A - R - T

LOCKHART
Hags and gnomes and ghosts and banshees
Huntin' down a giant on the Ganges
Vampires in the cold of winter
Cold enough to make your stake wood splinter

ALL
G - I - L - D - E - R - Oh me oh my!

LOCKHART
Ev'ry last gal that's a good gal
And ev'ry witch I meet
Looks at me like she's a go-gal
Who worships at my feet.

When I'm up and against a pixie
Makin' sure they don't get to tricksy
Defense 'gainst the artsy-farsty
Never do mind if its darksy-artsy

ALL
G - I - L - D - E - R - Oh me oh my!

LOCKHART
I'm lookin', I'm lookin', I'm lookin'!

MEN
For use of the Dark Arts

LOCKHART
Good-lookin', good-lookin', good-lookin'!

WOMEN
Oh, Gilderoy Lockhart!

Lockhart twirls around signing autographs and giving out copies of Magical Me. The ladies are fawning over him as he dances in the way Lockhart would be expected to dance - cheesily

ALL
He's lookin', he's lookin', he's lookin'!
To steal a witch's heart
Good-lookin', good lookin', good lookin'!
Oh, Gilderoy Lockhart!
Gil-de-roy Lock-hart!
Good-lookin'!

Flourish and Blotts

Adapted from The Piano Lesson

Mr. Weasley and family are confronted with Lucius Malfoy

LUCIUS
Weasley, I'm surprised you have any money left to buy books

ARTHUR (looking away)
Oh…you!

LUCUIUS
Busy time at the Ministry?

ARTHUR
Did you want something?

LUCIUS
'Fraid not!

ARTHUR
Now what do you want?

LUCIUS
Oh, nothing Weasley
Now don't stare, Mr. Weasley, you know what I look like
(sung) Oh well, I say, Look see
A wizard fam'ly that works so very hard but can't make a living running raids at the Ministry
(spoken) Don't pay overtime, Weasley?

ARTHUR
Yes, I've been working hard, but I don't believe that's any of your business what the Ministry does about its raids

LUCIUS
I know what the Ministry does

ARTHUR
What's that?

LUCIUS (sarcastically)
Not nearly enough

ARTHUR
Excuse me, but what is that supposed to imply?

LUCIUS (sung)
You and the Ministry Muggle lovin' freaks

ARTHUR (jumping in the song)
There you go again with the same old comment
About the low mentality of Muggle-living wizards
And takin' it all to much to heart

LUCIUS
Now Weasley
As long as the Muggle Protection Act is entrusted to you
With the purpose of avoiding wizards ruling over Muggles
I can't help my concern that wizards of pureblood families
Keep ignoring all your counsel and advice

ARTHUR
But Malfoy - When a wizard has some morals
And you've got none,
Why should I take advice from you?
Even if you can pull strings at the Ministry
And make an honest minister resign

LUCIUS
Weasley, if you don't mind my sayin' so,
You have a bad habit, of shaming pureblood families

ARTHUR
Now, I haven't shamed my family!
I have morals about living

LUCIUS
What living!?!

ARTHUR
Like a true man, who understands what's right and what's wrong

LUCIUS
Ha!
Do you think that Muggle makes a wizard -
Now, really Weasley!
I have my standards where blood is concerned
And I have no intention -

ARTHUR
I know all about your standards
And if you don't mind my sayin' so
There's not a wizard left
Who could hope to measure up to that blend'a
Bad blood, Slytherin, and who else knows what
You've concocted for yourself outta your pureblood reputation
Your Dark Lord's summoning, and your mansion filled with the Dark Arts

Arthur and Lucius run at each other and start to fight

Pureblood Mania!

Adapted from Iowa Stubborn

Draco and some other Slytherins confront Harry and the Gryfindor Quidditch team. They start to declare how they enjoy the message of hate since they are Purebloods

PUREBLOODS
Oh, there's nothing halfblood
About the pureblood way of thinking
After linking
Ev'ry family that we find
There are pureblood kinds of certain
Families that could never
Ever sever from the
Pureblood fam'ly line
Our blood is pure as a sparkling ruby or a diamond
We should know because we're rolling in the jewels
Because we've been so powerful and rich
We can bribe a minister or two to
Let us break the rules

For after all, we hate you!
Glad that you're a Mudblood!
Someday we we'll find you lying dead upon the floor
The day the purebloods rule the school

CRABBE and GOYLE (stupidly)
Provided you are contrary…
PUREBLOODS
Every witch, wizard, elf, goblin, unicorn, or other
That does not think that the purebloods should rule
We'd like to grind to powder
Turning them to a pulp
Until the purebloods rise again
And rule the this school

(innocently) But, is it really our fault
When the Chamber is opened
And the Heir of Slytherin rules!

PUREBLOOD BOY (MALFOY)
For after all, we hate you!
Glad that you're a Mudblood!

PUREBLOOD GIRL
Thankfully we won't be worried when the ruler comes

ALL PUREBLOODS
That is the day the purebloods
Pureblood mania!
Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, LeStrange, Gaunt, Nott…
(thinking) Longbottom…
(sighing) Weasley…

(triumphantly) The day the Purebloods rule the school!

Read A Little - Heir Of Slytherin

Adapted from Pick-a-little, Talk-a-little/Goodnight Ladies

Hogwarts Library, students are gossiping about Harry Potter and the snake attack at the duel. Madame Pince is trying to shh…them but they continue anyway. Harry Potter walks through looking ashamed.

ONE TABLE OF STUDENTS
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin

ANOTHER TABLE OF STUDENTS (joining in)
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin

TABLE OF HUFFLEPUFF STUDENTS (joining in)
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin

ALL
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh ,shh, shh

Background gossip fades out a little

HANNAH (spoken)
Ernie, you definitely think it's Potter, then?

ERNIE (spoken)
Of course, Justin's been waiting for this ever since he said he was Muggle-born

OTHER HUFFLEPUFFS
Really?!

HUFFLEPUFF GIRL
And think

HANNAH
He killed the cat

ERNIE
And annoying little Creevy!

OTHERS IN LIBRARY
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh

HANNAH
And the worst thing
Of course, I shouldn't tell you this but -

HUFFLEPUFF GIRL
I'll tell

HUFFLEPUFF BOY
I was at the match, let me tell

ERNIE
Stop! I'll tell

others quiet

He made a snake turn on Justin and attack him by speaking in Parseltongue

Others gasp

HANNAH (rhythmically)
Oh yes,
That Potter speaks Parseltongue
Like a Dark Lord on the rise
He had an evil glint in his eye
And a hissing voice like a serpentine fiend

Just wait, you'll see that You-Know-Who
Had tried tot kill him once before
Yes! A competing lord is he

OTHERS IN LIBRARY
Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh

ALL HUFFLEPUFFS (mockingly)
He spoke like a snake at the dueling match
Almost killed Justin Finch-Fletchley

HANNAH
Creevey!

ERNIE
You-Know-You

HUFFLEPUFF GIRL and BOY
Parseltongue!

OTHERS IN LIBRARY
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh…
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh…

OTHERS IN LIBRARY HUFFLEPUFFS
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin

Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin

Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin

Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Shh, shh, shh, Potter - The Heir of Slytherin
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little
Read a little, talk a little, read a little, talk a little

Harry Potter is the Heir of…
Harry Potter is the Heir of…
Harry Potter is the Heir of…

Read a little, talk a little….shh!!

 Harry Potter

Harry Potter

Harry Potter

Harry Potter

The Heir of Slytherin


Harry Potter

Harry Potter

Harry Potter



Slower and sustained
The Heir of Slytherin........

Who Knows Who's Right

Adapted from Goodnight My Someone

Dumbledore's office, after Harry is accused of harming the students

DUMBLEDORE (spoken) I must ask you, Harry, whether there is anything you would like to tell me. Anything at all.

HARRY (spoken) No. There isn't anything, Professor

DUMBLEDORE That's alright. But now you know where my office is and you can tell me later if you'd like. Good night, Harry.

Harry exits down the spiral staircase, the piano begins as he thinks about everything that has happened lately

HARRY (sung)
Who's right about me; who knows my mind?
Who sees my future I try to find?
Am I the killer they're looking for?
Am I right, who knows, am I right?

The Sorting Hat nearly put me in
The place where I could be Slytherin
Now who's the Heir they are looking for?
Was he right, who knows, was he right?

All Hogwarts is talking from door to door
About how I spoke to a snake
But is that answer they're looking for?
Am I who they know, or am I just a fake?

I hear these voices, they speak so clear
I know their messages speak of fear
Am I person it's looking for?
Who is right, who knows who is right?
Who knows?
Who's right?

Polyjuice Potion

Adapted from Wells Fargo Wagon

Myrtle's abandoned bathroom. The potion is finally ready.

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE
O-ho the Polyjuice Potion is a-comin' right along
Oh please let it stay unseen!
O-ho the Polyjuice Potion is a-comin' right along
I wish, I wish I knew what it could mean

HERMIONE
We got permission from that cute Professor Lockhart

HARRY
And then we got a good recipe

RON (tossing book over shoulder)
And after skimming through Moste Potente Potions

HERMIONE
When it's assembled you won't be able to notice me

ALL THREE
O-ho the Polyjuice Potion is a-comin' now
It is a hidden surprise identity

HARRY
No longer Harry

RON
Or Ron

HERMIONE
I won't be Hermione

HARRY
For we will be

RON and HERMIONE
Yes, we will be
Yes, you're right we surely will be

HARRY
Crabbe and Goyle

RON and HERMIONE
Crabbe and Goyle, Crabbe and Goyle now

HARRY
Instead of me

HARRY and RON
O-ho the Polyjuice Potion is a-comin' right along
Oh, don't let it mess up now!
O-ho the Polyjuice Potion is a-comin' right along
To let Hermione's potion take a bow

HERMIONE
I stole the leeches and the knotgrass from the cupboard
And picked the fluxweed at the full moon
I brewed the lacewing flies for twenty days

RON and HARRY (in harmony)
The only part that's missing is the hair of two buffoon's

HARRY (changing into Goyle)
O-ho the Polyjuithce Pothion ith a-workin' nowb
Oh, its'ts not thuper cyool to be ugly

RON (changing into Crabbe)
Thith ith dithguthting andth vile, ith'ts a degradathyun
But thith could be…thump'n thpethyul

BOTH
Wait and see!

Ron and Harry stare at themselves with disgust and wonder

RON and HARRY (Hermione holds high note)
O-ho, you Polyjuice Potion keep a-workin'
O-ho, you Polyjuice Potion keep a-workin'
O-ho, you Polyjuice Potion don't you dare fail me
For we finally are what you see!

Hermione's high note descends into a wailing sob. She eventually reveals that she is transformed into a cat.

End of Act I

ACT II

Riddle

Adapted from Sincere

Harry opens Tom Riddle's diary, and after writing a little bit, an eerie voice begins to come back out of the page. It sings in four part harmony

QUARTET OF RIDDLE'S VOICE (ECHOES)
How can you ever be rid of Riddle?
Where is the Tom in this book? (The Tom in this book?)
My soul is captured with a good spell
Open me up and look (you can look)
Tell me, what can I say not sincere?
Oh, write anything that you feel
How can you ever be rid of Riddle?
Aren't I sincerely half-real
(I am for real)

Rubeus The Dubious

Adapted from Marian the Librarian

After Harry enters Tom Riddle's memories, a strange voice begins to sing as he watches the scene before him. It is young Tom Riddle revealing Hagrid's secret monster.

YOUNG TOM RIDDLE'S VOICE
Rubeus…
Acting so dubious
What can you do, Hagrid, who often hid
A vicious feature creature, sadly so true be this…Rubeus
Hogwarts help us, for the Chamber was finally opened
And the culprit left free among us
No one ever suspected poor Rubeus…acting so dubious
For when I stumbled in I knew that I wasn't invited
'Cuase I fin'ly found out the secret
And old Hagrid was busted so courteous…Hagrid called Rubeus

Now in this story, a man can see it
In this story
And a fellow would know that the Chamber
Was opened by someone so vague
Now the secret, is out of the bag

And then when I found him out, erased the doubt
That monsters creeping keeping even so curious…Rubeus
It's a long lost tale that I was famous for
The notorious oaf would do no magic any more
For the Chamber was finally hidden behind its door
Thanks to dubious…Hagrid called Rubeus

Seventy-Six Spiders

Adapted from Seventy-Six Trombones

Hagrid's hut. Harry and Ron are wearing the Invisibility Cloak. Dumbledore and Cornelius Fudge enter. Lucius Malfoy enters behind them

FUDGE
Please sir, now I have your suspension here
Your suspension here
I will deal with the trouble now with this very scroll
This very scroll
Hagrid is the Chamber man
Now he's off to Azkaban
And I'm here to make a little sense of this terrible mess

Fudge unrolls another scroll

Rrr-rrr-ta

And to think, Lucius, that on Dumbledore's watch
That the Chamber would be opened again

Lucius opens a scroll and dances with pleasure

Rah rah rah dah dah dah dah

LUCIUS
Hear ye, hear ye. On order from the governor board
I declare that Dumbledore is no more
Oh Hogwart's holy king is a-tumbling down

FUDGE (shocked)
If a man could do it my friend, oh yes
I said, Lucius, do ya hear me
I say Dumbledore needs to stay at Hogwart's
And I mean he's our only chance

LUCIUS
Well the gov'ners voted on the matter
And put and end to that mad hatter

FUDGE
As sure as the Chamber is opened
This won't put an end to these attacks
Creevey, Fletchley, Granger, Clearwater

LUCIUS (spoken under breath)
Pity…

DUMBLEDORE ("looking" at Harry and Ron)
All I'll say is that help will always be found
And I have never truly left this school
As long as the students are loyal

LUCIUS (bowing irreverently)
Ton-da-ta

HAGRID (speaking out loud curiously)
And if anyone wanted ter find out some stuff,
All they'd have ter do is, uhh…
Follow the spiders.
I said…uh..just…uh
Follow the spiders.
And someone'll need ter feed Fang while I'm away

They leave. Ron and Harry notice a train of spiders leading into the Forbidden Forest. They follow it

HARRY & RON:
Seventy-six spiders led into the woods
As we quivered and quaked in fear down the trail
We were following rows and rows of some hairy arachnos…
So's the start of such a scary tale

Seventy-six spiders led into the dark
Followed by two lit wands and a dog
There were more than a thousand trees
As far as eyes could see
We were carried off into a bog

With the pincers clicking angrily about our fate
Clickety-clack, clickety-clack, Aragog then spoke
Hagrid never opened up the Chamber gate
He was framed, it was a dirty joke

We attempted then to leave before we were meat
Thundering, thundering, hungrier than before
Spiders soon attacked us there
And chased us through the forest air
'Til we were discovered by a Ford!

The Ford appears jazzily and they hop inside

Seventy-six spiders chased the Anglia
As we drove it away as fast as you can
Every pincher went crunch, crunch, crunch
As the spiders sought to munch
Hagrid's not the Chamber Man!

The escape continues until the Ford leaves the forest

Ya Got Trouble

Adapted from Ya Got Trouble

The Great Hall, the students are being rounded up. The teachers tell Lockhart to go and "fix" the problem. He responds with this song

LOCKHART (spoken)
The Chamber, don't you understand
Friends, either you're closing your eyes
to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the opening of the Chamber of Secrets

(Rhythmically spoken)
Well, ya got trouble, my friends, right here
I say, trouble right here at Hogwarts.
Why sure I'm a little scared
Certainly mighty proud to say
I'm always mighty proud to say it
I consider that the years I spent
The track of a banshee are priceless
Help you cultivate horse sense
And a cool head and a keen eye
D'ever take and try to give
A half-dead vampire his death
With a silver bullet shot?
But just as I say,
It takes judgment, brains, and maturity to win
'Gainst a Dark Arts foe
I say that any Squib can take
And wave his wand at a wizard
And they call that magic
The first big fault in the world
With Dark Arts everywhere
I say, first, attacks from the Chamber
Then death by the buckets
And the next thing ya know,
This school is a center for killin'
With a Dark Arts curse
And speakin' 'bout some dark evil-lord master
Hearin' him tell about You-Know-Who
Not the hush-hush version, oh no!
But the tale that'll trap you into his gang
Like to see some pureblood Death Eater
Tellin' 'bout Mudbloods? Make your blood boil?
Well, I should say.
Now friends, lemme tell you what I mean.
I've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight books
Books that'll mark the difference
between a wizard and a Squib
With a magical me
You all will see that I stand for truth

And all year your Hogwarts
Youth'll be chatterin away
I say your young students'll be chatterin
Chatterin' away their noontime, suppertime, classtime too!
Get the scoop on the gossip
Never mind gittin' history learned
Or their potions mixed or their homework finished.
Never mind learnin' any magic
'Til your students are caught with the chamber opened
On a typical night and that's trouble
Oh, yes we got lots and lots a' trouble
I'm thinkin' of the kids in the uniforms
Cloak-shod young ones, sittin' in the Chamber
Dying during school, ya got trouble! Folks,
Right here at Hogwarts
Trouble with a capital "T"
But you've got me and that means your safe!
Now, I know all you kids are the right kinda students
I'm gonna be perfectly frank
Ya like to know what kinda moderation goes on
While I'm fighting the Dark Arts off?
I'll be shouting Expelliarmus, shouting out Petrificus
Fighting like you've read about in read all my books
And thinking all about
How I'm gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Obliviate
One fine night, I'll find the Chamber headed
For the Heir of old Slytherin
Petrified kids and evil whispers!
And Dark Arts! Shameless magic!
That'll grab my arm and my wand
In the arms of a evil terrible wizard
Mass-staria!
Friends, the Chamber Man will be Lockhart's dinner!

Trouble!

The audience, in parentheses, echoes Lockhart not convinced he can save them from anything

(Oh we got trouble)

Right here at Hogwarts!
(Right here at Hogwarts)

With a capital "T"
And a magical me
And that means your safe
(We won't be safe)

We've surely got trouble!
(We've surely got trouble!)

Right here at Hogwarts
(With him)

Gotta figger out a way
To keep the young ones safely while at school!
(Our children's children gonna have trouble, trouble, trouble, etc.)

LOCKHART (spoken above the chant)
Students of Hogwarts!
Heed the warning before it's too late!
Watch for the tell-tale signs of destruction! The moment you leave your house
Do you notice a trail of blood leadin' to the Chamber?
Do you see a hateful message scrawled behind you?
A strange creature that follows you?
Are you starting to hear voices that sound like snake's hissing?
Are certain friends creeping into your conversations?
Friends like Harry Potter?
And Salazar Slytherin?
Well, if so my friends,

(sung) Ya got trouble
(Oh we got trouble)

Right here at Hogwarts!
(Right here at Hogwarts)

With a capital "T"
And a magical me
And that means your safe
(We won't be safe)

We've surely got trouble!
(We've surely got trouble!)

Right here at Hogwarts
(With him)
Remember my books, Year with the Yeti and Magical Me!
(Our children's children gonna have trouble, trouble, trouble)

Oh, we've got trouble
We're in terrible, terrible trouble
That man that the Secret Chamber keeps is the Slytherin Heir
(Slytherin Heir)
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!

(looking at Lockhart)
(Oh yes we got trouble, here we've got big, big trouble!)

You've got me!
(What a magical me)

And you all will see
(We all will flee)

You'll find safety!!! (To find safety!!!)

She's All Right (Alright)

Adapted from My White Night

After visiting Hermione's petrified body in the Hospital Wing the second time and finding the paper note

HARRY
She's all right
What this paper says is the absolute truth
Just like Hermione
To go out and solve, she's a bookworm sleuth
She's all right
What our friend would do if she only were here
She would help us face our fears

What we've got is a Basilisk
What we've got has a look in its eye
A fateful look, it says in this book
A look that kills, but I don't know why
They're petrified, Colin, Justin, Nick, Hermione, and Penelope
What did they all see? What caused them to be
Only petrified?
And kept them alive
And not die

Aha! Amazingly the victims
Never looked it straight in the eye
That is the reason why
That is why they didn't die

RON and HARRY
She's alright
She discovered this and protected herself
Just look at her message

RON
She even discovered it used the pipes

BOTH
She's alright
If a Muggleblood that's as gifted as her
Ever died, that's not right
She's all right (alright)

Ginny Weasley/Will I Ever Tell

Adapted from Lida Rose/Will I Every Tell You

Ginny is reading and writing into Tom Riddle's diary. Tom is trying to corrupt her into his will once again

QUARTET OF TOM RIDDLE'S VOICE
Ginny Weasley, won't you tell me
About the sun, the moon, the sky
Ginny Weasley, won't you tell me
About the thousand reasons why
Tell me please
Write it down and put it away
Tell me please
If you always will fear it, I'd like to hear it
Ginny Weasley, won't you tell me
Every secret of your heart
Ginny Weasley, let me just be
Your best friend that will not part
So here I am Ginny, with a heart open wide
Ginny Weasly's friend to confide
Ginny Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Ginny Weasley

Key change into "Will I Ever Tell You"

GINNY
Dreams are true, dreams are real
Dreams are the ways that people can feel
Will I tell you?
Oh yes I'll tell you
Because I trust you
Even though this feels surreal

Here I am, this is me
I'll tell you all things you ask of me
I will follow
Oh yes I'll follow
And tell about me

GINNY (almost hypnotized) QUARTET OF TOM RIDDLE'S VOICE (more aggressive)

Dreams are true, dreams are real
Dreams are the ways that people can feel

I will tell you
Oh yes, I'll tell you
Now I must trust you
And humbly at your feet will kneel

Here I am, this is me
I will do all things you ask of me

I will follow
Oh yes, I'll follow
Do whatever
I see

 Ginny Weasley, Ginny Weasley
Ginny Weasley you can tell me
About your friends, your loves,
Your fears

Ginny Weasley, you can tell me
Of any secret, I'm all ears
Tell me please
Put it into this diary
Tell me please
It's a sanctuary, don't you be wary
Ginny Weasley, you can tell me
Without a fee, a tax, or toll
Ginny Weasley, let me just be
The only access to your soul
So here I am Ginny, Tom Riddle your guide and
Ginny Weasley, you cannot hide
Ginny Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Ginny Weasley

Ginny walks of the stage hypnotized. We do not know what she is going to do

The Way To The Chamber

Adapted from Finale

Lockhart's office. He whistles casually as he tries to run away. Ron and Harry ask for his explanation.

LOCKHART
Every one of my books is just plagiarized
On the cover you see my face
Smiling before I erase
Now I'll use my famous Memory Charm

Harry avoids it by using an Expelliarmus

RON
You've got to help us
Although you're scared

LOCKHART
Anybody can see I can't do the job

HARRY
We found the entrance
We know the facts

LOCKHART But you know, with magic I'm a slob

Harry and Ron drag Lockhart towards the bathroom

RON
He's got my sister
Hid deep inside

HARRY
Of the Chamber, oh yes, please, we need your help

LOCKHART
Now who's to say that they can't be right
I will fight. Who knows who I'll fight?

They enter the bathroom and talk to Myrtle. Harry whispers into the sink and the drum roll begins. The entrance appears. Ron pushes Lockhart down the chute. They land on the bottom and see the snakeskin.

LOCKHART (frightened)
Seventy who knows what underneath the school
With a tunnel that's dark and filled with a smell
We discovered a snake skin and then I started once again
To get out of this underground hell

Lockhart tries to use Ron's wand to Obliviate Ron and Harry, but it backfires and the tunnel collapses.

HARRY
Seventy-six boulders plugged the tunnel up
And I'm separated from Lockhart and Ron
Who knows what I'll fight, fight, fight
In the Chamber's yet tonight
But oh well, I must go on!

Harry discovers the Chamber door and opens it

It's You

Adapted from It's You

The Chamber, Voldemort explains his plan

QUARTET OF TOM RIDDLE'S VOICE
It's you I've been hunting; it's you that I've trapped
It's you that I've wanted to kill
It's your sweet "Dear Riddle" that got you wrapped
Right into every stroke of my pen quill
It's you Ginny mentioned could speak Parseltongue
It's you that I baited and wooed
It's you that inspired this plan I've conspired
To kill you, kill you
Yes, it's you! (held)
(Oh, yes it's you!)

He sets the basilisk on Harry and you know what happens…..

That's What You Do

Adapted from 'Til There Was You

After rescuing Ginny from the Chamber, Harry has a discussion with Dumbledore. Lucius and Dobby enter. Dobby is freed. Lucius storms off. Dumbledore and Dobby leave Harry alone and he then realizes what everything has meant

HARRY
There was blood on the walls
But I never saw this coming
No, I never saw it at all
It was a clue

There were sounds in the pipes
And a basilisk in the plumbing
But I never heard them at all
It was a clue

And there was Ginny
She was a shy little stranger
She suffered
In Tom Riddle's torture of hate and fear

There were clues all around
But I never heard them singing
No, I never heard them at all
What could I do?

Harry is joined by Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Dobby, Colin, Justin, other petrified people, Lockhart and most of the cast

(resoundingly, others hum)
There was hate all around
But I never started hating
Though I questioned, I still came through
That's what you do!

Close Curtain to End Act II and the Play

Harry Potter the Musical(s)

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