Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

A filk by Gail to the tune of ill There Was You by the Beatles

This song originally came from the musical The Music Man, if you're into that sort of thing :)>

HARRY:
There we were on the train
It had stopped and we were waiting
Then one of them came through the door
A Dementor

It stood there and it's hand,
Like something dead and decaying,
I saw it suddenly withdraw -
A Dementor

Then there was coldness and horrible screaming
They told me I slid off the chair to the ground and then

There was fog all around
Must have been hallucinating
As I laid there down on the floor
The Dementor

Then Remus Lupin pulled his wand out at it
They told me it turned and left without a sound and then

The lights were on again
And we all heard Lupin saying
What was that creature we just saw
A Dementor

A Dementor

A filk by Gail to the tune of Cinnamon Girl by Neil Young

Written from Harry's POV, the first four stanzas being Harry remembering what Professor Lupin told him.

HARRY:
"You ought to eat
This here chocolate bar
You will feel happy
If you eat a piece
Of this chocolate bar

It was a Dementor
Guard of Azkaban
That entered through the door
As soon as you can
Eat that chocolate bar

Ev'ry good feeling
That you've ever had
Dementors are stealing
And leaving you sad
Have some chocolate bar

They're looking for Black here
On the Hogwarts train
Now to dispel your fear
I'll tell you again
Eat your chocolate bar"

With my very first bite
I started to feel all right
Warmth spreading to my toes
A DADA Professor who knows!
Yum...yum...yum!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney

SCENE: When the Trio ask Sir Cadogan for directions to the North Tower, he's rather estastic about the fact that they'll die bravely if they can't find the tower.

SIR CADOGAN:
Now some may say that my mind is just too loony
They say my thoughts are so crazy

PORTRAITS:
Because they are, because they are, because they are

SIR CADOGAN:
But in these ever-changing stairs and halls of Hogwarts
If that goal won't apply
Then bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die

And quickly, Sir Cadogan begins racing through portraits with the Trio at his heels. Ron begins to complain loudly, and Sir Cadogan rounds on him

What does it matter to ya
If you've got some tired feet?
You've got to walk those steps
Or else you'll know that you have reached defeat!

You say my thoughts are so crazy

PORTRAITS:
Because they are, because they are, because they are

SIR CADOGAN:
But in these ever-changing stairs and halls of Hogwarts
If that goal won't apply
Then bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die

A filk by Gail to the tune of Within You And Without You by the Beatles

Scene: First day of Divinations class. The students have come into the Divination's classroom, wondering where the Professor is. Then, from out of nowhere, comes the mystical drone of the tamboura, the sound of a sitar and sarangi and the beat of the tabula. From behind a beaded curtain Prof. TRELAWNEY emerges, bedecked in a gauzy spangled shawl singing and making the appropriate hand mudras:

TRELAWNEY:
I'll be teaching...Divination to all of you
But I warn you...It's very difficult to do
If you don't have...the gift of the sight...there's very
little...That I can
teach you

I'll be showing...in very explicit detail
You'll be able...to penetrate the unseen veil
You will see (you will see)...through this mystery...
Then you'll understand

Try to be receptive to the resonances of the subtle aura
It is such a burden to be All-Knowing
You can see everything through the Inner Eye

(musical interlude)

We'll be covering...the basic methods of this art
It's a rare gift...that I'm not able to impart
Only few (only few)...they can see...are you one of them?

When you've looked beyond this world then you will gaze through this haze
called the future
The time will come when you too will preview what will happen just by using
the Inner Eye

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Tea and Sympathy by Jars of Clay

Scenario: Harry, Hermione, Neville, Parvati, and Lavender musically rant and rave after their first Divination lesson with Professor Trelawney....

HARRY:
Don't feel well.
Just heard all her words and tea leaf prophecies.
Telling us of deaths and those things that will be.
The Grim's in my cup, and this will be the end of me.

HERMIONE:
Not content
to stay here in this class, this stuffy room.
I'm a captive in this Tower, won't be rescued.
I'll drop this stupid class and concentrate on Ancient Runes.

'Tis not the way that it should be.
Don't trust in all these tea leaf prophecies, no.
And 'tis not the way that it should be.

NEVILLE:
She foretold
that in this class I will clumsily break china cups.
The next minute my cup falls, I try to sweep it up.
Reached for one more, and went on reading leaves.

HERMIONE:
'Tis not the way that it should be.
Don't trust in all these tea leaf prophecies, no.
And 'tis not the way that it should be.
Don't trust in all these tea leaf prophecies.

[short instrumental and background vocals]

PARVATI (to Hermione):
Love this class
the smoke, the scent of leaves that fill my head.
I can sense your bitterness
'Cause you don't have the gift, you can't read the future,
Can't make a prediction or two.

LAVENDER:
'Cause this is the way that it should be.
You should believe in tea leaf prophecies, oh.
This is the way that it should be.
You should believe in tea leaf prophecies.

PARVATI:
This is the way that it should be.
You should believe her tea leaf prophecies, oh.
This is the way that it should be.
You should believe her tea leaf prophecies.
Yeah, oh.

HERMIONE (AND HARRY):
Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
(Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.)
Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
We all have our doubts.

Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
(Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.)
Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
We all have our doubts.
No. Oh.
We all have our doubts, oh.

A filk by Manda to the tune of Boomkat's The Wreckoning

He came
He taught
To kick off class
The pain Draco earned when he got gashed
For the way Hagrid teaches is strange
The griff opened one of Draco's veins

Can't run can't hide
There's no way out of Hagrid's class
So time for the pain again
Time, time to feign pain again

CHORUS:
Damn if he thought that he could teach
The third-year Slytherins, they're hard to reach
So then
Draco gets hurt by Buckbeak
He knows
He's just a-fakin'
Classes will come and classes will go
And one thing Hagrid ought to know
Is that
Never try to teach those hard Slytherins
And so
A court case comes up.

Can't start
To believe
He cannot teach
Until he gets in trouble
For applying bad
Animals to start to try to teach
That cause heaps of injuries

Things will come and things will go
And one thing that he doesn't seem to know is that
Unicorns are a lot safer to learn then blast-ended skrewts.

Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
So it's time
Hagrid can't teach

Damn if he thought he could teach
And life would go on all the same..
So when Draco got injured by Buckbeak
Hagrid knows he's in bad trouble
Things will come and things will go
And one thing Hagrid knows for sure is that
Teaching don't help your self-esteem
And so, he wants to walk out that door

Damn if he thought his life would change
When he took up this job.
Potter, Weasley and Granger helped him
When he messed up his class
But then, they hated it as well

And he's running from his problems
When Draco messed up his life
He skipped off from his job
And made a wreck of self-esteem
And so Draco wrecked his life
And so Draco wrecked his life
And so Draco really wrecked up his life
The court case he's like to be running from…

Repeat CHORUS

Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Oh resign
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Please resign…..

A filk by Gail to the tune of Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top

LUPIN:
Dark Arts, Defense
All of the students are under suspense
Boggart, wardrobe
Neville says he's a Snape-a-phobe
That is how my very first class began
'Cause nobody frightened of Snape dressed as Gran

Boggart will appear
Transform it's shape into what you fear
Laughter's the key
Then the Boggart's power will recede
Neville was nervous but I told him, "You can.
'Cause nobody frightened of Snape dressed as Gran"

Out comes Severus
Neville then exclaims, "Riddikulus!"
Green dress, handbag
Snape is now dressed all in drag
It was a part of my new lesson plan
'Cause nobody frightened of Snape dressed as Gran

To the tune of Hundreds of Girls, from Jerry Herman's musical Mack & Mabel

THE SCENE: LUPIN'S first DADA lesson, re-conceptualized as an extravagant Broadway show-stopper. We begin with DUMBLEDORE offering the position to LUPIN, then segue to the classroom

DUMBLEDORE
You'll get the post that may last only for a year at the most
You'll be the teacher of whom Hogwarts will boast
What ev'ry student will be certain to holler is,
"There a great scholar is!"

You'll teach the kid with the scar, that is James' son
Young Potter from Privet, yes, the very same one
Watch out for your old friend Black, he is now on the lam
Let's hope that when June rolls around, you won't have to scram!

Segue to the DADA classroom, as LUPIN instructs the third-year Gryffindors

LUPIN (exuberantly):
First, a red cap
Kappas were next
Now I will show you how
Boggarts are hexed,
Like the undead, the undead and ghouls.
What keeps you safe
From all your foes?
A spell that drives gum
Up a poltergeist's nose
Fighting undead, the undead and ghouls

Evil appears
And suddenly it ought to be crystal clear
That what you've got to do is conquer your fear
Of this new threat and so
What I ever after said
Laughter will knock 'em dead!
When the spell's cast
You'll have a blast
Laughing today means
We'll also laugh last
At those undead, those undead and ghouls!

Close up your books
Yank out your wands
And I will show you
How best to respond
To those undead, those undead and ghouls
Think of a thing
That terrifies
Turn it to something
That gives you a rise
Against undead, the undead and ghouls

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
He is the top
For Gilderoy and Quirrell were utter flops
Now we are saddened when our lesson must stop
And what ev'ry student's certain to holler is,
"There a great scholar is!"

During the dance break, NEVILLE, with LUPIN'S assistance, opens the wardrobe - a full chorus line of high-kicking SNAPES emerge, linked arm-in-arm, each one identically dressed as Grandma Longbottom

LUPIN & NEVILLE:
Is your worst fear
Severus Snape?
Make him cavort
In a comical shape
Using Defense to make boggarts the fools

CHORUS OF BOGGART!SNAPES
We like to give
Pain and distress
But we can't do so
When wearing a dress
He makes boggarts, makes boggarts the fools

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Lupin insists
That fear and mirthfulness
Cannot co-exist
So when you have to make a boggart desist
Then so we gotta say that
It seems a great trick to us
Crying "Riddikulus!"

LUPIN, CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS & CHORUS OF BOGGART!SNAPES:
You/We don't cause fear
You're/We're just a joke
You're/We're gonna vanish in
A puff of smoke
We've/They've made boggarts, made boggarts the fools

LUPIN & CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
The spell was cast
We had a blast
Laughing today means
We'll also laugh last
At the undead, the undead, the undead and ghouls.

A filk by Ravenclaw Chaser to the tune of The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't be Late)

A filk by Jason LeBouefto the tune of Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn

Yes, I know you don't really tap the Marauder's Map three times to make it work. I'm just being a little creative to make it fit the song.

FRED: Harry what you doin' under there?
HARRY: Goin' to Hogsmeade in my invisibility cloak
GEORGE: We can give you something better
FRED: You can stuff it in your sweater
GEORGE::With this little map you can get out and do some marauding

FRED & GEORGE:
All you say is
I do swear that I'm really up to no good
Mischief Managed… when it's time to go
All you do is..
(tap tap tap)
Means you'll see who's in the hallway
Mischief Managed (tap tap)
Means it's not gonna show

FRED: If you come out to Hogsmeade tonight
Wearin' your cloak and you don't want to even get noticed
GEORGE: See where Dumbledore is pacing
FRED: In secret tunnels Filch is racing
Only on this map will you see who's lurking at Hogwarts.

FRED & GEORGE:
All you say is
I do swear that I'm really up to no good
Mischief Managed… when it's time to go
All you do is..
(tap tap tap)
Means you'll see who's in the hallway
Mischief Managed (tap tap)
Means it's not gonna show

HARRY:
Oh I can see somebody pacin'
Like a little rat he's racing
Only how can it be showing a dead Peter Pettigrew?

FRED & GEORGE:
All you say is
I do swear that I'm really up to no good
Mischief Managed… when it's time to go

HARRY:
I see him, I see him, I see him

FRED & GEORGE:
All you do is..
(tap tap tap)
Means you'll see who's in the hallway
Mischief Managed (tap tap)
Means it's not gonna show

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of I Love To Cry At Weddings from the Cy Coleman & Dorothy Fields musical Sweet Charity

SCENE: The Weasley twins are enumerating the wonders of Hogsmeade to Harry, who has been unable to get his permission slip signed.

FRED:
We love to go to Hogsmeade,
We have so much fun at Hogsmeade.
In Honeydukes there's chocoballs
And cockroach clusters in the stalls.
The Shrieking Shack will scare you,
Just go there if you dare to.
In Zonko's Joke Shop you can find
Great dungbombs that will blow your mind.
The kind of "kaboom" tricks
That can blow up the Three Broomsticks;
Pranks quite guaranteed to entertain.
We love to go to Hogsmeade,

Wizard town of Hogsmeade,
Near the school, near the lake, near the train.

GEORGE:
We love to go to Hogsmeade,
We are mesmerized by Hogsmeade.
We heard that you can't make that trip
'Cause you have no permission slip.
No matter, we're elated;
We've this thing Filch confiscated.
So Harry, don't you shed a tear
We brought a bit of festive cheer.
This map's the thing that you
Need; you just tap on the statue.
"Dissendium" you say, and down you climb.
If you want to go to Hogsmeade--
Underground to Hogsmeade--
With this map, it's a snap, every time.

Harry gets introduced to the mysteries of the Marauder's Map, courtesy of Fred & George Weasley, and Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs.

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of Get Back by The Beatles

After meeting at The Three Broomsticks, Hermione and Ron quickly shove Harry under their table as MCGONAGALL, Flitwick, Hagrid, and FUDGE seat themselves close by and begin to speak.

MCGONAGALL:
Sirius was a wizard, not much of a loner.
Severus got him irate.
His best friends were Peter, James, and Remus Lupin
None of whom could guess his fate.
Now Black is back.
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.
Now Black is back
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back, Hagrid. No doubt
That Black is Back.
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.
That Black is back.
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back now.

FUDGE:
Sweet young Lily Evans, such a lovely woman.
James Potter, he was her man.
Sirius betrayed them with contempt that's numbing,
Voldy then pursued his plan.
Now Black is back.
That Black escaped from Azkaban.
Now Black is back
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back, Minerva. No doubt
That Black is back.
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.
Now Black is back
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back, Rosmerta.
And Potter hasn't a clue
Sirius turned on James
And he betrayed Lily.

ROSMERTA:
Such a playful youngster

MCGONAGALL:
Now Black is back
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.

A filk by Gail to the tune of I Need You by the Beatles

McGONAGALL:
Potter and Black's friend when he was at school
Hero-worshiped them, though they'd ridicule
As far as talent-wise, he didn't match their size
Pettigrew

FUDGE:
He found Sirius and tried to corner
Didn't have a chance, he was a goner
Peter wasn't as fast: he was caught in the blast
He was through

McGONAGALL:
That boy was a fool
Should have left Black to the Ministry
He could never duel
I'm feeling so bad, for treating Peter so sharply

FUDGE:
In a Muggle street, said an eye-witness
They had heard poor Pete sobbing in distress
He loudly called the names of Lily and of James
"How could you?"

That's when Black did it
Peter didn't even have a prayer
I'll never forget
The scene on that day: screaming and bodies everywhere

Once the curse was cast by Black the traitor
What was left behind inside the crater?
His blood-stained garment and
A fragment from his hand
Pettigrew
Pettigrew
Pettigrew

A filk by Charlene to the tune of I Need A Girl (Part One) by P.Diddy (feat. Usher & Loon)

SCENE: HARRY and RON are polishing up HARRY'S new Firebolt, when Hermione comes in with MCGonagall, who takes it away. Hermione runs upstairs crying and HARRY and RON jump on top of a table and begin their mourning over the loss.

HARRY
Yeah, Yeah
I need a, I want a

RON
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life

HARRY
Yo, I'm internationally known in the wizard world,
I got it all, but I really need a broom, this girl
Ratted to McGonagall, wouldn't let me keep the Bolt
My life is plagued, got a lotta gold.
But, brooms really cost much, just to have good touch
Had a Nimbus, that had me, got smashed by a big tree,
I need a broom that could hold me, a career it could mold me
Go to matches to thrill me, trip to the Alley, 'cause
Most of these brooms be too much for me
I don't know if they really fly well like their guarantee.
Got the money, but I don't think I'll be usin' it.
Cause if I do the Slytherins be abusin' it.
That's why I need me a broom that be true to me
Know bout the game, and fly to reach the Snitch for me
Without a broom on my side, Slyths be ruinin' me
Forget the Slyths, it's just my broom and me

HARRY & RON
Now let's ride.....

RON
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride,
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life.
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life,
No, nothing else. My broom's all mine
I need a broom in my life.

HARRY sees McGonagall in the corridor and begins to rap for her about his Firebolt, and the Quidditch team bustles over, bobbing their heads.

HARRY
Yo, now I've had only one broom in my lifetime
But see it's not a lot of brooms that are in my mind.
I done had a pretty broom with all the right features
Was a shiny broom that only rocked Seekers.
Shooting Stars and School brooms really dunno how to treat ya
You break a broom, your peeps will up and leave ya.
I find a broom, I'ma keep it
Cuz now I'm gettin better and the game gettin deeper
I want some real shiz, I need something I can thrill with.
I need something that I can fly with
I need something I can hold tight
With the speed and no full limits, no right.
Anytime I would fly it I would feel so right,
A broom that I been lookin for my whole life.
God bless me, I'm glad I got the insight
It's cuz of my broom, now I understand life

RON
I need a broom...
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom who's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life

HARRY sees Hermione in the library and starts rapping for her and everyone else in the library, who are bobbing their heads, as usual.

HARRY
Hermione would probably die for me
Ratted on my Bolt, so I made her cry for me,
Every night she had tears in her eyes for me,
I got upset a couple times, and she was mad at me.
First we were friends, she was like my mother.
You was more than any girl, we was like brothers
All night we would study till our eyes shut, but
You told McGonagall, and she broke my love for ya.
But every time I think about my Firebolt
And how we woulda flown till weather grew cold
Damn I wish you would've let it go,
But that was something that you didn't know
My life is cold
All dem days that I reminisce
About the way I woulda flown in eternal bliss.
But since you ain't happy, I'ma tell you this
I'm sorry girl and you're the one that I will always miss
I miss you, yeah

RON
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
No, nothing else cuz it's all mine
I need a broom in my life
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life,
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life

A filk by Ginger based on His Cheeseburger from Veggie Tales.

The scene: Christmas day in Gryffindor.

RON:
He said to her "I got a new broomstick.
It was in with my presents at Yule.
It's better than my Nimbus 2000,
It's the top of the line, and it's cool."

He said "I don't know where it came from.
A note or a card it did lack."
She said "I must go run and tell Minnie!
It just could be from Sirius Black!"

But you're his Firebolt.
His birch-twig Firebolt.
He'll wait for you, yeah,
He'll wait for you. Oh,
You are his Firebolt.
Ash-handled Firebolt.
He'll wait for you,
Oh, he will wait for you.

So Oliver Wood went to ask her.
He just got a shirty reply.
Cuz he said the Snitch was more important
Than if Harry safely could fly.

He sat there through Transfiguration
Each day, and then he'd ask her again.
Potter, now please don't get angry.
You'll see your broom when she says when!

Cuz you're his Firebolt,
His speedy Firebolt.
Be back for you -He'll
Be back for you, oh,
You are his Firebolt,
His racing Firebolt.
Be back for you,
Oh, He'll be back for you.

Key and tempo change

Cuz he loves his new broomstick with all his heart.
Hooch and Flitwick just can't keep those two apart.
And if the world suddenly ran out of twigs,
He'd run to Arabella Figg's.
And he would strip her cleaning implement down 'til it was bare.
And he would bind them up for you,
Bind them up for you,
Bind those dirty twigs up just for you!

You are his Firebolt.

A filk by Catherine McK based upon Ill Wind by Flanders and Swann, which is itself set to Mozart's Horn Concerto No. 4 in E-Flat, K.495, movement III, Rondo: Vivace (otherwise known as The French Horn Song).

HARRY:
I unwrapped my Firebolt and wanted to fly it
For Gryffindor to win the match, but alack!
They took it away e'en before I could try it
They said it was sent me by Sirius Black!

I need that broom; the other was whomped by a willow tree.
I need that broom, doesn't matter who sent it to me

I only desire
To fly on that Fire-
Bolt; it is the best broom I have known.

Oh, the hours that I could spend
Flying that broomstick from here to Land's End.

But that was this morning and this evening McGonagall came to our room,
Demanded the broom, said someone could have jinxed it.

Oh, my Firebolt is gone!
How could she, could McGonagall take my broom?
Oh, my Firebolt is gone!
Sirius? What a fuss.
Now the Slytherins are sure to slaughter us.

They'll strip it down;
That is a crime,
That broom is mine.

My Nimbus 2000 was whomped by a willow
In frenzied and vicious arboreal attack,
But the Firebolt replacing it sugared the pill - oh
Who cares if `twas sent me by Sirius Black!

Hermione, Hermione how could you do this to me?
Hermione, Hermione, Hermione - flee!
It isn't fair you didn't care about my feelings at all.

No checks for curse or hex or jinx effects
Will show a result on that broom.
Oliver! Oliver! Can't you try to get it back from her?
Will you kindly return that broom? Where is the Professor who pinched my broom?

I shall tell Dumbledore I want my broomstick back.
I miss my Quidditch more and more and more.
Without a broom I've feeling sad and sunk in gloom.

I unwrapped my Firebolt and wanted to fly it,
Displaying my talent on the Quidditch pitch,
But this Christmas day to my utter dismay McGonagall took it away.
I unwrapped my Firebolt and wanted to fly it, but McGonagall took it away.
I unwrapped my Firebolt, was longing to try it, but McGonagall took it away.

I won't speak to Hermione.
Now the Trio's just two and not three.
But who did send that broomstick to me?

To the tune of Send in the Clowns, from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. HARRY laments the loss of his Firebolt, confiscated by McGONAGALL on the suspicion that it may have been sent by Sirius Black

HARRY
Isn't it mine?  No longer there.
When will I next leave the ground,
Back toward mid-air?
Send me my broom

Wasn't it Herm who won't approve?
Teachers came snooping around
It was removed
From Black, they assumed....
Send back my broom.

Just what I'd lost for Gryffindor
Magic'ly on Christmas is more than fully restored
Getting a package that gave me a new Firebolt
Such great design
Gives higher jolts.

I cannot wait
I need it quick
But they must inspect it for hex
Hooch and Flitwick
They'll strip down my broom
Quick, save my new broom
They'll bother my stick

Enter McGONAGALL, bearing the Firebolt, which she returns to HARRY

McGONAGALL
Isn't a threat – this much is clear:
Gaining a broom like this shall
Give Slyth'rin fear
So here is your broom
You ought to re-zoom

McGONAGALL & HARRY exchange smiles confident of Gryffindor victory

BOTH
Just wait'll this year.......

A filk by Rachel Harris (aka Errolowl) to the tune of Stevie Wonder's Superstition

TRELAWNEY: (speaking very fast)
If I join the table, we shall be thirteen! Nothing could be more unlucky! Never forget that when thirteen dine together, the first to rise will be the first to die!

MCGONAGALL (rolling her eyes):
We'll risk it, Sibyll

(music) Very Superstitious, red planets cause you burns (huh!)
Very Superstitious, death omens come in turns
Thirteen at the table, why, that's nothing wrong or new
Seven years of divination, what's Hogwarts coming to!

When you teach them things that you don't understand,
The kids all suffer, oh, superstition ain't the way, yeah.

TRELAWNEY (affronted and dramatic):
Call me Superstitious, but red headed men are bad.
The bird entrails they tell me, Harry's dying, poor wee lad.
Veiled mysteries of the future, I see horrors in your path
You may call me morbid, but I'll have the last laugh!

Yes, I teach them things that I don't understand,
But how does that matter? At least it spices up their day, yeah,
yeah.

MCGONAGALL:
Very Superstitious, tea leaves and crystal ball
There sure ain't no mad axe-man, in the entrance hall.
Enough with mystic clichés, vague wooly speeches all
DO sit down now Sybill, the turkey's getting cold

I never speak ill of my colleagues, but you're such a nutter..
Let me pass the tripe your way...

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Let me pass the tripe your way.

To the tune of Every Day a Little Death from Sondheim's A Riddle - I mean, A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. HARRY ponders the "secondary gain" of his inability to stave off the dementors.

Harry felt drained and strangely empty, even though he was so full of chocolate. Terrible though it was to hear his parents' last moments replayed inside his head, these were the only times Harry had heard their voices since he was a very small child. But he'd never be able to produce a proper Patronus if he half wanted to hear his parents again....

HARRY
Every day a Riddle death
Of my mother, of my dad
In the Hollow, in our dwelling
Full of sorrow and so sad
Every day a Riddle doom
Fogs my heart and fogs my head,
Every 'mentor's rattling breath
(How it plucks them from their tomb!)
Brings a direct Riddle death.

He laughs coldly, mocks my mum
Says he'll slaughter me.
He could murder her right there,
Yet still she pleads.
My Dad told my Mum to run
(Gave his life to save his son)
It is then I fall unconscious
(Did she die?)

I collapse into a faint
When dementors near
Yet I half-want them beside me
To hear her
It is stupid, it's insane
Longing for her voice again
This hallucinating business I abjure!

Ah, well...

Unbeknownst to HARRY, his perfectly-formed PATRONUS seeps out of his wand to accompany him for the rest of the song

HARRY & (PATRONUS)
Every day a Riddle death
(Every day a Riddle death)
Of my mother, of my dad
(Oh her lips and her green eyes,)
In the Hollow, in our dwelling (Oh her murder, oh our losses)
Full of sorrow and so sad (So much torture, her demise)
Every day a Potter cursed
(Every day a Potter dies)
Fogs my heart and fogs my head (Voldy looks and Voldy lies.)
Every 'mentor's rattling breath

BOTH:
And as awful as at first
Brings a direct Riddle death.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Greased Lightning from Grease

THE SCENE: The Quidditch match against Ravenclaw in PoA. Everyone's talking about Harry's new Firebolt, and even though McGonagall keeps telling Lee to talk about the match and not the Firebolt, he just has to sing about it! (And Oliver's so excited that he just has to join). Firebolt must be pronounced evenly as Fy-er-bolt so it fits with the rhythm of the words 'Greased Lightening'. Also, in one of the lines, it says 'miles', and that needs to be pronounced so that it has only one syllable, something like 'myils' or something. It's kind of hard to spell on the computer, so try that yourself and see what you can get.

LEE: (spoken)
Hello, and welcome to today's Quidditch match of Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw! The big excitement at this match is the Firebolt Harry Potter is flying for Gryffindor! In fact, according to Which Broomstick, the Firebolt is....

(music) So dumbfounding
Supersounding
And astounding!

McGONAGALL: (spoken)
Jordan, do you think you could start telling us about the match?

LEE: (spoken)
Of course, Professor. I just wanted to give some background information on the Firebolt.

(sings) Like there's a superfine handle
With diamond-hard polish there
OLIVER:
Keep talking'
Yeah, keep talkin'!
LEE:
Its pinpoint precision
Keeps your vision ev'rywhere
OLIVER:
I love this broomstick!
Oh yeah, I love this broomstick!
LEE:
Just ten seconds and you're sure
One fifty miles an hour
Accelerating's great
So I know you just can't wait
To get in air

OLIVER:
Go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
LEE:
Go Firebolt
You're zooming round the Quidditch pitch
GRYFFINDOR TEAM:
Firebolt!
Go Firebolt!
LEE:
Go Firebolt
You will make Harry catch the Snitch
LEE:
Firebolt!
Go Firebolt!
LEE:
You're really good
And Ollie Wood
Could never switch
OLIVER:
Go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

LEE:
It is just a blur
And it outstrips that bludger
There's a built-in autobrake
If you're too fast by mistake
Hey, and look at Harry dive
Cho, you know you can't vie
He rises like a bullet
And he beats our your Comet
Firebolt!
OLIVER:
Go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

LEE:
Go Firebolt
You're zooming round the Quidditch pitch
GRYFFINDORS:
Firebolt!
Go Firebolt!
LEE:
Go Firebolt
You will make Harry catch the Snitch
GRYFFINDORS: Firebolt!
Go Firebolt!
LEE:
Wow, what a view
Of what you do
Ollie loves you!
GRYFFINDOR TEAM:
Go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

During the dance break, there are extremely loud cheers from the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws (each for there team) as well as some 'boos' from the Slytherins about Harry's Firebolt. Harry dives for the Snitch, sees the "dementors" and thrusts out a Patronus spell at them. Then, he catches the Snitch, and there is a huge erruption of cheers from all the Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws

LEE:
Go Firebolt
Harry could be next Viktor Krum
ALL: (except Snape and Slytherins)
Firebolt!
Go Firebolt!
LEE:
Go Firebolt
Now the other house teams want some
ALL: (except Snape and Slytherins)
Firebolt!
Go, Firebolt!
LEE:
So rub your place
In Malfoy's face
Your Firebolt!
ALL: (except Snape and Slytherins)
Fire, fire, fire
Fire, fire, fire, fire
Firebolt!

To the tune of The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down by Joan Baez

THE SCENE: Slytherin Common Room. Enter MALFOY, FLINT, CRABBE & GOYLE

MALFO
Draco Malfoy's the name, and harrying Harry's my aim
The 'mentors make him go limp, they tear up that Potter wimp
Playin' Quidditch to his lament, at their mere sight made a great descent
'Twas fifty feet, Potter so fell
How we laughed, let us conspire oh, so well...

MALFOY, FLINT, CRABBE & GOYLE
Tonight we'll drive ol' Potter down
We'll be robed in black garments
Tonight we'll don dementor gowns
And we'll make mock of that varmint. We'll sing….
M-ba-ha-ha-ha
M-ba-ha-ha-ha ba-ha-ha-ha

Segue to the History of Magic classroom, as HARRY practices the Patronus Charm

HARRY
Back in my class with Remus, see, as each day he said to me:

LUPIN
Harry, try with me, to cast the Expecto P.
Now, if your wand's wavin' right, then you'll conjure up a Patron so bright.
In a time of need it is the best
Those who can summon the Patron are truly blessed

BOTH
A knight who'll drive dementors back
A stout shield it's bringin'
A knight who cuts 'mentors no slack
Just keep those happy thoughts ringin'. We'll sing:
La, la-la-la-la-la,
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.

Segue to the Quidditch field, immediately after Gryffindor's triumph over Ravenclaw

HARRY
The next matchup before us was with Ravenclaw
And, with dementors before me, the Snitch flew to my paw
Well, I just said EP, then a blast, as my Patron laid 'mentors down fast
They cringed in the mud below our toes
They were worse than 'mentor scum, 'twas a scheme of Draco's.

HARRY, RON, HAGRID, LUPIN, McGONAGALL & GQT
Tonight we laughed ol' Draco down
And at a point loss we're hintin'
Tonight ol' Draco plays the clown
Ev'ry Slytherin's Flintin'! We'll sing:
Nyaa, nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah,
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah.

A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of Back in the USSR by Paul MCCartney, which is, itself, a parody of songs by the Beach Boys and Chuck Berry's Back in the USA. See - even the Beatles did song parodies!

THE SCENE: The Grounds of Hogwarts. SIRIUS, in the form of Padfoot, relates his story to a sympathetic friend

Just swam in from Azkaban,
I'm on the run, hidin' out both day and night
Headed straight for Privet Drive to see Harry,
Afraid I gave him quite a fright!

I'm back in the Wizarding world,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Back in the Wizarding world!

Headed straight for Hogsmeade, hardly knew the place,
Dementors on most every track.

Nosed around village, picking up the news,
Hid out in the shrieking shack!

I'm back in the Wizarding World,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Back with the Wizards, back, I'm a Wizard,
Black's in the Wizarding World!

Still those Ministry Men want to find me out,
They scour the countryside,
Dementors guard the Hogwarts grounds,
Where Wormtails always on my my my my my my my my my mind!

Oh, come on, Hu Hey Hu, hey, ah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm back in the Wizarding World,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Here in the Wizarding world.

Still those Ministry Men want to find me out,
They scour the countryside,
Dementors guard the Hogwarts grounds,
Where Wormtail's always on my my my my my my my my my mind!

I've got to get to Pettigrew that dirty rat,
Before he can do Harry harm,
If I can get the passwords then I'll just sneak in,
Then Peter, boy, you'll buy the Farm!

I'm back in the Wizarding World,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Here in the Wizarding world!

Back in the Wizarding world,
Oh, let me tell you Crookshanks!

To the tune of Gershwin's Nice Work If You Can Get It, written for the 1937 Fred Astaire film A Damsel in Distress, with a screenplay by PG Wodehouse!

THE SCENE: The grounds of Hogwarts, late one evening. Enter PADFOOT, accompanied by his new ally CROOKSHANKS

PADFOOT:
A hound who only lives for seeking vengeance
Looks for comrades who are every bit as intense.

CROOKSHANKS:
Likewise felines who are quite smart
Can all recognize canines who are pure of heart.

PADFOOT:
The fact is, he's done many crimes I've a catalog of
And catching rats is just what cats and dogs love.

CROOKSHANKS:
Join with me, a pet who is Kneazle-y
For the best path of all is straight through Weasley…..

Prowling long past midnight
With a probing eye

PADFOOT:
We'll lurk until we get him
Pete Pettigrew, the rat 'Magi

CROOKSHANKS:
Now he's faked his demise
And they're all blaming me

PADFOOT:
We'll work to end his disguise
And earn their blame with certainty

Just imagine such scum
Selling friends to Voldemort

CROOKSHANKS:
With passwords it's much fun
We will get to even the score

PADFOOT:
Hunting while I'm hunted….

CROOKSHANKS:
For dementors alert…..

BOTH:
In murk we're going to find him
And when we find him
How he's going to hurt!

To the tune of I've Got a Little List, from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Mikado

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. Enter NEVILLE

NEVILLE
As ev'ry day it happens that the password I forget
I've made a little list, I've made a little list
An "Open Sesame" compendium to help reduce my sweat
And it's certain to assist – it's certain to assist
There's "balderdash" and "fairy lights," "pine fresh," and "scurvy cur"
There's "lemon drop", "banana fritters," and also "Wattlebird"
There are sayings from the Latin, such as Caput Draconis
That they think I can memorize (which quite mistaken is)
And phrases like "Oddsbodikins", which make my poor tongue twist
Can now be reminisced, can now be reminisced.

They're all upon my list, they're all upon my list.
And it's certain to assist – it's certain to assist

Segue to the same location, several hours later.

There's that noisy painted nuisance who is always in our face
For the password he insists - but I think I lost my list……
My grandma will send Howlers and I'll be in deep disgrace
I'll wish not to exist - if I can not find my list
For a fugitive now prowls our grounds on wicked escapades
To the bottoms of my bunny-slippered toes I feel afraid
Awakened now by screams from Ron, who cries that with a knife
The Prisoner from Azkaban tried cutting short his life.
The cause of this unpleasantness must boil down to this:
The fact I lost my list, at such cost I lost my list.

I've lost a little list, I've lost a little list,
Black found my password list, McGonagall is....mad.

A filk by Mariner to the tune of She Came in Through the Bathroom Window by the Beatles.

SCENE: The morning after Sirius Black's invasion of the Gryffindor dorm, the third-year boys discuss what happened.

RON:
He came in through the hallway painting.
He must have known the secret word.
I saw him looming in the shadows,
I came this close to being gored!

GRYFFINDOR CHORUS:
Didn't anybody see him?
Didn't anybody hear?
Look at how he slashed the curtains!
Sirius Black was really here!

HARRY:
They say he's always been a killer,
Killed thirteen people with one spell.
That low, betraying secret-spiller,
I hope Dementors give him hell!

GRYFFINDOR CHORUS:
Didn't anybody see him?
Didn't anybody hear?
Look at how he slashed the curtains!
Sirius Black was really here!

NEVILLE:
I wrote my passwords on a parchment
And left it lying near my bed.
I tried my best to memorize them,
But now Black knows them all instead.

GRYFFINDOR CHORUS:
Didn't anybody see him?
Didn't anybody hear?
Look at how he slashed the curtains!
Sirius Black was really here!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Think For Yourself by the Beatles

Scene: SNAPE'S office

SNAPE:
I know you're lying to me
No part of you should be in Hogsmeade
We're trying to keep you well
But famous Harry Potter is a law unto himself

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

Even the Minister
Is concerned about famous Harry Potter
So what if they worry?
Let others care about
Famous Harry Potter's safety

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

You're just like your father
He didn't set much store by rules either
He was so arrogant
Strutting around the school because
Of a little talent

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Your Mother Should Know by The Beatles

What with all the speculation about Snape/Lily and Remus/Lily, I decided to just give them both a song about it. It takes place during PoA (and just so you know, Lupin and Snape are NOT in the same place; they look at Harry, are reminded of his mother, and reflect separately).

LUPIN:
Just look at Harry
Back in the times, you know who I knew?
It was a great person who helped me get through
With my condition when I would get scared
His mother was there
His mother would care

SNAPE:
I hate Potter!
Acts like his dad, who was such a scum
But then look at those eyes, they're just like his mum
And when I said "the world's cruel and unfair"
His mother was there
His mother would care

LUPIN and SNAPE:
Lily, of course, was quite popular
Just like her spouse that was the great Quidditch star
And though our talks meant so much and went far
I didn't compete
'Cause James'd not be beat
I didn't get her
Not Harry's mother

Lil- Lil- Lil- Lil- Lil- Lil- Lil
Lil- Lil- Lil- Lily
Lil- Lil- Lil
Lil- Lil- Lil- Lily
Lil- Lil- Lil- Lil -Lil
Lil- Lil- Lil- Lil- Lil- Lily

His mother was there
His mother would care
His mother was there
His mother would care
His mother was there
His mother would care
His mother was there (there)
His mother would care (care)
Good friends we would be
That's all she could see

A filk by Gail to the tune of Hey Bull Dog by the Beatles

HARRY
Grim dog - seeing you again
Black dog - driving me insane
Some sort of ill fortune comes just by seeing you
They say it's death but I don't know if it is true

First time - you were discovered
Then I'm - almost run over
Could be coincidence or is it that I'm doomed?
It might be bunk but then I don't want to assume

Please stop haunting me, please stop haunting me
Please stop haunting me, I'm asking you to stop haunting me

Saw the - Grim's dark silhouette
It's a - sight I won't forget
Ron's uncle Bilius saw one standing nearby
Twenty-four hours later Bilius had died

Please stop haunting me, please stop haunting me
Please stop haunting me, I'm asking you to stop haunting me

Hey Grim dog, Hey Grim dog
Hey Grim dog, Hey Grim dog

HARRY (spoken): Hey Grim dog.

GRIM: Woof

HARRY: Hey man, who are you boy?

GRIM: Woof

HARRY: Whatta ya say?

GRIM: I said, "Woof"

HARRY: D'ya know any more?

GRIM: Arooooo-wa ah! Ha HA!

HARRY: You got him! Get him! get him, man! Get him! Quiet boy, quiet

GRIM: Okay

HARRY: Hey Grim dog

To the tune of Take This Job and Shove It by Johnny Paycheck

THE SCENE: Divination Class. A stressed-out HERMIONE has finally had enough of TRELAWNEY'S pretensions and stages a noisy walk-out

HERMIONE
Take this Eye and shut it,
I ain't learnin' nothing here.
You're just an old fraud,
An' you're wastin' my time actin' like a seer
Your tea leaves had better leave me alone
As I'm a walkin' off your course.
Take this Eye and shut it,
Divination, it's divorce.

TRELAWNEY
I've been Seein' with this faculty,
Future prophets I train
All this time, I've seen no student,
With a mind that's more mundane.
An' I've seen a lot of omens of flame
Read palms along the way
Knew one of us'd be leavin' for good,
And we would all hear her say:

HERMIONE & TRELAWNEY
"Take this Eye and shut it,
I ain't learnin' nothing here.
You're just an old fraud,
An' you're wastin' my time learnin' arts of seers
Your tea leaves had better/are gonna leave me/you alone
As I'm a walkin' off your course.
Take this Eye and shut it,
Divination, it's divorce."

Exit HERMIONE, as RON and HARRY regard her with renewed admiration and respect.

RON & HARRY
Well, that Sibyll, she's a-spyin' Grim dogs
Each day we come to school.
She's a flamin' flat-out fruitcake
Down to her smallest jewel
Hermione has really blown her top
Told Sibyll to "make her day"
As when Herm's slapping Malfoy faces,
Wish we'd the Crystal Balls to say:

"Take this Eye and shut it,
I ain't learnin' nothing here.
You're just an old fraud,
An' you're wastin' my time actin' like a seer
Your tea leaves had better leave me alone
As I'm a walkin' off your course.
Take this Eye and shut it,
Divination, it's divorce."

A filk by Stickbook based on One Headlight by the Wallflowers, on their album Bringing Down the Horse

The Scene: The Quidditch Cup Final. Having finally realized that his team doesn't really listen to his speeches, Gryffindor captain Oliver Wood decides to give his usual pre-match pep-talk through song.

OLIVER:
So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say was Gryffindor's last win
They said it was the legendary Charlie Weasley's skills
That cured our house of all its Quidditch ills

I saw the sun comin' up on a season of success
A season I won't be so depressed
Now it always seemed such a crime
We always had a decent side
I wondered how we never won the Cup!

He notices the team starting to drift off to sleep

Hey!

Come on Angelina!
Katie and Alicia!
Fred and George, listen carefully,
And `specially Harry:
You and Charlie Weasley
Make it look so easy
We can bring it home
The Quidditch Cup!

I'll guard the goals
As if my life depends on it
And you Chasers must secure the lead
Possession of the Quaffle and
Everyone sticks to the plan
Then a victory is guaranteed

I see the Cup in our hands
At the end of this match
(To Harry)
But only if we're fifty points ahead
That's when you need to catch the Snitch
And for pete's sake, just make it quick
But only if we're FIFTY POINTS AHEAD!

The team is drifting off again

Hey!

Come on Angelina!
Katie and Alicia!
Fred and George, listen carefully,
And `specially Harry:
You and Charlie Weasley
Make it look so easy
We can bring it home
The Quidditch Cup!

FRED (muttering to George):
This speech is old.
It feels just like a lullaby…

GEORGE (muttering back):
No matter how hard I try, I can't stay awake…

OLIVER (oblivious):
Now, I know you're overwrought
And I am tortured by the thought
Of all the times we tried and never won.

It belongs
To us and nobody else
That Quidditch Cup, it'll finally have our names
We always lost just because of funny sets of circumstance
Remember, this year is my final chance

HARRY (experiencing a twinge of guilt):
Hey!

FRED:
Hey!

GEORGE: Hey!

OLIVER:
Come on Angelina!
Katie and Alicia!
Fred and George, listen carefully,
And `specially Harry:
You and Charlie Weasley
Make it look so easy
We can bring it home
The Quidditch Cup!

To the tune of Hooray for Hollywood (lyrics by Johnny Mercer, music by Richard Whiting)

THE SCENE: Hogwarts' Quidditch field. Gryffindor has just defeated Slytherin, and for the first time in seven years, takes the Quidditch Cup

GRYFFINDOR TEAM (except WOOD)
Now, with this season,
We had a reason
For the Scarlet to strive to be supreme
Because our Keeper
Can no more sleep here
After he ages off the team
We knew this would be his final chance,
So we choreographed today's game like it was Flashdance

GRYFFINDOR FANS
Hooray for Ollie Wood!
Each Gryffindorean just knew he would!
As Fred just said to Alicia Spinnet
"I know we'll win it,
Our Keeper can't be withstood"

TEAM
He's bought us vict'ry
As we evict the
Reigning champs of the Slyther-Hood!

FANS
Potter's flight was extra good
He saw nothing in a Dementor's hood
Marcus Flint looked especially measly next to the Weasleys
And Johnson her ground she stood.
Bell played like only Katie could!

ALL (except WOOD)
Hooray for Ollie Wood!

FANS
It wasn't perty,
Slytherin played dirty,
They aimed all their blows below the belt

TEAM
But we did not whine,
We stiffened our spine,
We played the cards that we were dealt
And it all went without a glitch

ALL (except HARRY and OLIVER)
'Cause at the end Harry snatched the Snitch

TEAM
Hooray for Ollie Wood! But what will happen if in Hollywood
They film this scene with Chris Columbus,
Who'll downward dumb us,
With a script carved from antique wood?
It may gross a billion
But if we look Vaudevillian
We'll tell all our friends that it's no damn good!

ALL (except WOOD)
So let's cheer for Ollie Wood!
He taught to us the true meaning of brotherhood!
Just watch him overwhelmed and choked up take the Quidditch Cup
Such feeling by all's understood
We'll weep too, there's that likelihood!
Hooray for Ollie

WOOD
We won, by golly!

ALL (except WOOD)
Hooray for Ollie Wood!

A filk by Stickbook to the song of the same name by The Darkness, on their album Permission To Land

SCENE: Just before exams, the Gryffindors are hanging around their common room after the end of a long week. HERMIONE is bordering on exhaustion and hysteria.

RON:
Harry!
Have you seen Hermione?
She's taking every class in school.
She's got no time for extracurricular activities
With that impossible schedule

HERMIONE:
Oh! Monday, Potions!
Tuesday, Ancient Runes!

RON:
Now, relax, it's Friday night!

HERMIONE:
Transfiguration Wednesday!!
Muggle Studies Thursday!!

RON:
Hey! Relax! It's Friday night…

Harry!
Have you seen Hermione?
She's got bags under her eyes.

HARRY:
Why do you dwell on how she fits in all her classes?

RON:
Oh, do you think she goes in disguise?

HERMIONE:
Oh! Monday, Flitwick!!
Tuesday, Sinistra!!

WOOD:
Quidditch every single night!!

HERMIONE:
I got Magic History Wednesday!!! Magic Creatures Thursday!!!

HARRY (to himself):
Quidditch every single night?

HERMIONE:
So tired… I'm pooped.

She proceeds with a very big and noisy yawn

Monday! Tuesday!
Wednesday!! Thursday!!
Been studying since Friday night!!!
Can't let my schedule smother me,
No weekend recovery,
Haven't slept since Friday night!

Oh, and I've lost all my patience
For stupid Divination, now
Trelawney is a fraud, all right!
And when Malfoy shot his mouth off
I gave him something to laugh about!

RON (impressed):
Yeah, you gave him a black eye!

Wow.

To the tune of The Beatles' Taxman

THE SCENE: Behind HAGRID's cottage. Enter McNAIR in executioner's robes, as he prepares to carry out Buckbeak's death sentence. HAGRID and the TRIO express their consternation.

MCNAIR
Let me tell you
How it will be
That hippogriff
Is History

Cause I'm the axeman
Yeah I'm the axeman

Just ten percent
Right off the top
When Buckbeak meets my
Fatal chop

Cause I'm the axeman
Yeah I'm the axeman

Hagrid went too far
And met defeat
This vicious beastie
I'll now delete

HAGRID
At the set of sun
Malfoy's ally
Will behead my boy,
Poor thing must die

HAGRID & TRIO
Axeman!

Cause he's the axeman
Yeah he's the axeman

HARRY (and MCNAIR)
Can't someone please tell Dumbledore?
(Uh, Uh, Mr. Potter)

HAGRID (and MCNAIR)
That Committee his voice ignores
(Uh, huh, Mr. Fudge)

HAGRID & TRIO
Cause he's the axeman
Yeah he's the axeman

McNAIR & (HAGRID & TRIO)
All those who would the
Malfoys strike
(Axeman!)
Will meet a fate that
They won't like
(Axeman!)

Exit McNAIR, HAGRID, & Buckbeak, toward the chopping block

TRIO
'Cause he's the axeman.
Yeah, he's the axeman,
And he's showing no signs of mercy

The TRIO hears "the unmistakable swish and thud of an axe."

Axeman!

A filk by Jill to the tune of Beat It by Michael Jackson

THE SCENE: WALDEN McNAIR gets down with his bad self, old school style, as he prepares for his trip to Hogwarts for Buckbeak's execution.

MCNAIR:
I love to execute, I'm Walden McNair
You cannot see my face, but you can feel my glare
Don't look me in the eye or I'll give you quite a scare
Life cheater, Death Eater

I'm tall and strapping with a thin black mustache
When beasts need to be slain I'll be there in a flash
And I can take them down with a big sweeping slash
Death Eater, I just love to be bad

[Chorus]
Death Eater, Eater, Eater, Eater
The Dark Lord won't be defeated
No good or evil, there's only power
I'm one who'll seek, destroy, and devour

Death Eater, Eater
Death Eater, Eater
Death Eater, Eater
Death Eater, Eater

That Malfoy kid was hacked by Hippogriff claw
His dad wants retribution; he's one angry pa
And Fudge is on his side, trying to uphold the law
Dim leader, not Death Eater

Can't wait to show them that I've got a big axe
Until I take a life, I don't want to relax
My snarling and my growling,
It will stop them in their tracks
Death Eater, but this gig is so rad

Repeat Chorus six times, as McNair trips over his axe while moonwalking.

Eater, Eater, Eater, Eater.....

A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill by The Beatles

Hey, Sirus Black
There's been an attack!
By Sirus Black !

Back to Griffindor tower the students they all came,
The Lady's canvas hung all ragged in its frame
But when asked who, Peeves knew who was the one to blame!

All the children sing
Hey Sirus Black!
There's been an attack
By Sirus Black!

Deep in the midnight hour when everybody slept,
Into Griffindor Tower a ragged figure crept
Surprised Poor Ronald Weasley and then out the portrait leapt!

All the children sing
Hey, Sirus Black
There's been an attack!
By Sirus Black!

Off to the Shrieking Shack the dog dragged Ron and Rat
Harry was close behind with `Mione and Cat,
Came round the corner and there the Prisoner sat…

All the children sing
Hey, Sirus Black!
It's an attack!
By Sirus Black!

A filk by Moony & Padfoot's Girl to the tune of Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm

As he came in through the picture
Was the sound of his own stricture
As he came into the boy's dorm
He could see the rat wasn't norm.
He was lying in the four-poster
He could picture the rat in a roaster
He ran screaming to the professor
They thought he'd been struck down
It was his doom

Ronnie, are you OK
Are you OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
You OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie

Ronnie, are you OK
Will you tell us that you're OK? There's a sign at the picture
That he struck you
No self-stricture, Ronnie
He came into your dorm
Leaving nothing in the norm
Then you ran to the professor
You weren't struck down
It was his doom

Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
You've been hit by
You've been struck by
A smooth criminal

So they came into the S-Shack
After he gave Ron
A good smack
I knew this was manipulation
Black's frustration
Intimidation

Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie

Ronnie, are you OK
Will you tell us that you're OK
There's a sign at the willow
That he struck you
with a pillow, Ronnie
He came into your dorm
Leaving nothing in the norm
Then you forgot `bout the professor
You weren't struck down
It was his doom

Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
You've been hit by
You've been struck by
A smooth criminal

Ronnie, are you OK
Will you tell us that you're OK
There's a sign at the Willow
That he struck you
with a pillow, Ronnie
He came into your dorm
Leaving nothing in the norm
Then you forgot `bout the professor
You weren't struck down
It was his doom

Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie
Ronnie, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Ronnie

A filk by Havertonx to the tune of The Monkees' I'm A Believer

Scene: The morning after Sirius Black has broken into Gryffindor and attacked, not Harry, but Ron.

RON:
I thought only Harry had to worry,
Black was after him, not after me.
What a rude awakening, that's the way it feels,
Couldn't close my eyes for Scabbers' squeals.

CHORUS:
Then I saw his face - and he's a retriever!
He's not just - your average Grim!
I've found out - he's a retriever,
Worked up a fever over him.

I thought only Harry had to watch his back.
Soon as mine was turned, Black made his move.
Ripped aside the curtains, scared me half to death,
Floppy ears, big paws and doggy breath!

(repeat CHORUS)

I was disbelieving, but not any more,
Just inspect the paw prints on the floor.

(repeat CHORUS and fade)

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Yesterday by the Beatles.

Scene: The Shrieking Shack

TRIO
Sirius,
Haunted by the threat of Habeus,
You left Azakaban and caused a fuss
And now you want belief from us?

Pettigrew
Left his finger as the only clue
When that Muggle street was torn in two.
They say you work for You Know Who.

Harry's Mum and Dad -oh, how sad,
Did not survive.
And you say it's true; Pettigrew
Is still alive.

Remus J.
Came and magicked all our wands away.
Since the fellow knows D.A.D.A.
We'll hear what you have got to say.

If you say the rat's where it's at,
Then spells commence.
Set your wands aglow and please show
The evidence.

Sirius,
Have you got us in a Confundus?
(Ron) I think my dad mentioned Imperius.
(All) Can we believe you, Sirius?

Transformation of Scabbers/Pettigrew

(All) Yes, we believe you, Sirius!

A filk by Totally Tonks to the tune of I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness

The Scene: Before the Whomping Willow. The trio, Sirius, Remus, Severus and Peter emerge from the Shrieking Shack. Suddenly they see the full moon rising, but instead of transforming into a werewolf, a few different things happen to Remus. His clothes suddenly turn into a white cat suit and he suddenly finds himself holding a guitar. Sirius, Peter and Severus change as well. Snape finds himself sitting at a drum kit, Peter holds a bass guitar and Sirius holds a guitar. A stage starts to raise from the ground with them on it. Sirius strikes the first chords and Remus begins to howl (ahooh) and then begins to sing

REMUS:
Can't explain the way the full moon makes me feel
I just lose my mind and everything in sight I kill
Ahooh!, Moonlight hits me, Ahooh! The moonlight is hitting me!
When I was a kid I got bit, now I transform and lose my heart
there's a chance to take potion now
I get worried as the sun goes down
I got bit when I was a kid
Ahooooh (Rawr!)

I'm glad I don't suffer with it every hour every day
If I just take some Wolfsbane everything will be OK

Moonlight Ahooh, Ahooh
I say Ahooh because the moonlight hits me
When I was a kid I got bit, now I transform and have a fit
There's a chance to take potion now
I get worried when the sun goes down
I got bit when I was a kid
Ahooooh

To the tune of The Man That Got Away - music by Harold Arlen, lyrics by Ira Gershwin, from the 1954 film A Star is Born

THE SCENE: The tunnel leading away from the Shrieking Shack. With PETTIGREW in (seemingly) secure custody, the Trio and their allies meet sudden catastrophe.

HERMIONE
The path is narrow
Black's proved he's a straight arrow
Ron's leg is broken
And Snape's not yet awoken
Let's all make sure that
The rat won't get away

BLACK (to HARRY)
No more the Dursley drill
You'll live with me until
Adult-size robes you fill,
This I'll say.

Once outside, the clouds part to reveal the full moon. Lupin stops abruptly, and begins transforming into a werewolf

HARRY
The moon grows fuller
Lupin is growing furrier
Our favorite teacher
Turns into a Dark creature
Forgot his potion
And takes up wolfish ways

PETTIGREW
I'll flee from Hogwarts Hall
And in ratty shape I'll crawl
Toward where the Dark Lord calls
Straight away.

Good riddance, good-bye

Pettigrew turns into Scabbers and runs off

HARRY, SIRIUS & HERMIONE
Every trick of yours we're on to

SCABBERS
But fools will be fools and I'm off pronto

Exit SCABBERS. SIRIUS transforms into Padfoot to keep the vicious Lupin at bay

HERMIONE
Lupin gets malign
But Sirius gets canine
He drives off Remus
Now 'mentors come to cream us
They have us set up
Harry and Black and me

HARRY, HERMIONE & SIRIUS
Ever since this year began
We've met nothing meaner than
A grim dementor
Looking for the man that got away

A swarm of dementors converge. BLACK and HERMIONE both faint. A dementor pushes aside HARRY's ineffective attempt at a Patronus, and lifts him aloft in order to administer the dread Kiss.

HARRY
Our hope gets bleaker,
My magic's getting weaker,
My patron's feeble,
Now the Axis of Evil
Brings back Mum's screamin'
To kiss us off today

Suddenly, in response to a blazing white light, the dementors withdraw

But a silver-blazing light
Puts the dementors to flight
A grateful orphan
Rescued by that man
The dad who's back today

My dad came back today…..

Unable to identify its source, Harry faints as the blinding light drives the last of the dementors far afield.

To the tune of When Mabel Comes in the Room from Jerry Herman's Mack and Mabel

THE SCENE: The Shrieking Shack. LUPIN rushes in, dialogues briefly with SIRIUS, and embraces him "like a brother."

SIRIUS (spoken): Remus, you have no idea how much I've missed you….

(music) Somehow the grimness
Seems a little groundless
From the very moment I saw Lupin run in the room
It felt like no one
Ever would this hound bless
Until the embrace I got when Lupin ran in the room
My fervid mission
Is to murder Peter
And tear that pestilential rodent from his costume
Now it seems my prospects
Prove a little sweeter
From the first moment I saw Lupin run in the room

TRIO
This furtive secret
Makes us feel chary
How could this tiny little ol' critter have done such wrong?
Is this how wolfmen
Scheme to slaughter Harry?

SIRIUS
We're the Marauders, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

Enter SNAPE, gleefully malicious

SNAPE (to Lupin):
How nice to find you
Such a great disaster
We'll lock up you and Black, my laughter
Resounds and booms

THE TRIO knock out SNAPE with their wands

TRIO
But he can feel his hard head
Hit against the plaster

PETER is forced to resume human form

PETER
And though I tried so hard to keep it concealed
I saw my secrets would all soon be revealed

ALL
The very moment I/he saw Lupin run in the room

The entire ensemble soft-shoes their way through the corridors to the outside grounds. Trapped beneath the full moon's rays, without the Wolfsbane's protection, LUPIN begins the dread transformation

BLACK & TRIO
His facial features
Get more lycanthropic
From the very moment we see Lupin beneath the moon

BLACK & HARRY
Though this may be a
Little bit off-topic
But it doesn't seem we'll be living together soon

PETER
The rat Marauder
Flees a little quicker

BLACK
I've got to transform to a hound so we won't be strewn

TRIO & PADFOOT
But we can feel the plot get
Get a little thicker
And this could be the end of we three & Black
As the dementors all go on the attack
The very moment we lost Lupin…..!

Enter CHORUS OF DEMENTORS, vocalizing as they make their entrance. Every one except HARRY faints

CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
Mba-ha-ha
Mba-ba-ha-ha-ha
Mmmbah-hah-hah-hah-ha-ha-bah-ha-ha-ha, etc.

HARRY
My fainting partners
Forced to take a powder
I've got to conjure a Patronus, I must assume
I can hear my mum scream
Scream a little louder

HARRY successfully conjures his Prongs-like PATRONUS, for a big Broadway finish

HARRY, PATRONUS & CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
But the/us dementors panic and disappear
The very moment my/your/his Patronus appears
The very spell I/you learned from Lupin saves us/you from doom!

A filk by Kaesa Aurelia Secunda to the tune of We Can Work It Out by The Beatles

SCENE: Prof. Flitwick's classroom, late at night. SIRIUS BLACK is trying to get Professor Dumbledore to believe his crazy story.

SIRIUS:
Try to see it my way,
I will have to keep on running if I can go on.
If you have your way,
Have the guilt of knowing that my soul may soon be gone!

Murder soon will out,
Murder soon will out.

Rethink what you're saying,
The Ministry has got it wrong - the rat's all right,
That is what I'm saying,
Pettigrew's alive! I didn't get a chance to fight.

Pettigrew's the lout!
Pettigrew's the lout!

Life is very short and there's no time
For prison and killing my friends!
I have not committed any crime,
So I will ask you once again,

Try to see it my way,
Only Peter proves if I am right or I am wrong.
But you see, with your way,
Any proof that he can give will be moot before long.

You can work it out!
You can work it out!

Life is very short and there's no time
For prison and killing my friends!
I have not committed any crime,
So I will ask you once again,

Please send me on my way,
Remus and Harry know I am right and Fudge was wrong!
Oh, don't send me away,
The time I spent in Azkaban was far too long!

Please help me get out.
Please help me get out.

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn of Cher's If I Could Turn Back Time, about the PoA movie

DUMBLEDORE:
Now you should make some time,
Help convicts get away.
I just have to bewilder you with
What I say.

HARRY:
I don't know how you took the things you did.
I don't know how you learned the things you learned.
All I know is you dropped Sibyl for good.
Now we need to help and have to make time?

HERMIONE:
I didn't really want to dupe you.
I didn't mean to steal the show.
Now we must help them fly.
Oh, Harry...

So I can turn back time.
I did it ev'ryday.
I'd turn my turner and not tell you
In this way.
Now we can save some lives.
No Ron, just me and you.
Then you'll hug me, hug me,
Make the fans confused.
Now we can turn back time.

His heart was shattered, Hagrid's torn apart.
We cannot see our past selves.
Soon we'll reach the forest part.
When we walked out that door,
I asked you about my hair.
Sirius could have died had you not been there.
So cool I made Draco a wussy.
Too proud to let Ron say his best lines.
I know that I was fierce and diff'rent,

HARRY and HERMIONE:
But we can turn back time.
Help convicts get away.
We will do anything we have to.
Look that way.
Now we can save some lives.
No Ron, just me and you.
Then you'll hug me, hug me,
Make the fans confused.

HERMIONE: So I can turn back time.
HARRY: Now you can turn back time.
HERMIONE: So I can turn back time.
HARRY: Now you can turn back time.
HERMIONE: Now we can turn back time.
Oh, Harry...

HERMIONE:
I didn't really want to dupe you.
I didn't mean to steal the show.
Now we must help them fly.

HARRY:
Now we can turn back time.
Help convicts get away.
We will do anything we have to.
Now we can save some lives.
No Ron, just me and you.
Then you'll hug me, hug me,
Make the fans confused.
Now we can turn back time.

HARRY: Turn back time!
HERMIONE: Help convicts get away.
And maybe, maybe, maybe age a day.
HARRY: Save some lives!
HERMIONE: And we can save some lives.
HARRY: Me and you!
HERMIONE: No Ron, just me and you.
HARRY: Turn back time!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Bop to the Top from Disney Channel's High School Musical (One of my favorite songs).

The Scene: Harry and Hermione use the Time-Turner.

HERMIONE:
I got this Time-Turner
The first of the year
HARRY:
Hermy, that is pretty weird
Now what's your purpose here?
HERMIONE:
We'll go back and save him
Are you in on this?
HARRY:
Anything it takes to save
Sirius from the kiss

HARRY and HERMIONE:
Trapped for what he didn't do
Now we know the job to free him's
Up to me and you

HERMIONE:
Yeah, we're gonna
HARRY and HERMIONE:
Turn, turn, turn
Turn back the time
HARRY:
Spin and slide and ride through hours
HARRY and HERMIONE:
Turn, turn, turn
Turn and you'll learn
HERMIONE:
Relive again

HARRY and HERMIONE:
Got the gist
Now you can twist
HARRY:
Hey, I think I've got this
HARRY and HERMIONE:
Churn this thing around and it all is fine
When you turn, turn
Turn back the time
Burn past the nine
Turn back the time
Ev'ry hour
Feel the power

Shake the sand and send it around
Soon you buzz in a rush of sound
HERMIONE:
Think it's all clear?
HARRY:
Used it all year?

HERMIONE:
Yeah, we're gonna
HARRY and HERMIONE:
Turn, turn, turn
Turn back the time
HARRY:
Two of each of us are livin'
HARRY and HERMIONE:
Whirl, whirl, whirl
Through the world
HERMIONE:
And see what's been

HARRY and HERMIONE:
Spin, spin, spin
We'll make it in
When you need to change things
We'll be making sure
That our friends return
When we turn, turn, turn
Turn back the time!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tunes of Angel of Music and The Mirror from The Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

NOTE: The two songs I filked this to just go right into the next one once the first is done, sort of like how it is done in the musical. The word 'guardian' is pronounced 'guard-yan', in this filk. I'm also pretty sure that 'caster' isn't a word, but it is now!

SCENE: Harry and Hermione have gone back in time. It is almost at the time where the Dementors come, and Harry is at Hagrid's hut with Hermione. He sneaks out to go find the Patronus caster, and is caught by Hermione.

HERMIONE:
What do you think that you are doing?
We're meant to be hidden
Changing the past is such a danger
Being seen's forbidden!

HARRY: (spoken)
Hermione... I don't want to interfere with the past. I just have to see... Look, I have to tell you something.
HERMIONE: (spoken)
What?
HARRY: (spoken)
You know when we were with Sirius down by the lake with all the dementors?
HERMIONE: (spoken)
Yeah...
HARRY: (spoken)
Somebody saved us. They used the Patronus Charm. I only saw a glimpse of them, but I think I know who it was.
HERMIONE: (spoken) Well, who?

HARRY:
When the dementors enclosed us
I thought for sure we'd been had
But someone cast a Patronus
And that was my dad!

Out through the darkness it came shining
Charged dementors away
A silver light that helped us survive
My dad made it okay

HERMIONE:
Harry, you've had such a rough night
Can you believe what you've said?
It's true, I'd like to believe you
But your dad's, well, dead

HARRY:
Patronus caster
Fake or father?
Who conjured that spirit?
HERMIONE:
Who was this guardian, this
HARRY and HERMIONE:
Patronus caster
Incantations
Fools or revelations?

HERMIONE:
Harry, go back inside
HARRY:
I thought I saw
HERMIONE:
You see, the law
HARRY:
His face, his hair, his robes
HERMIONE:
We must abide
HARRY:
Oh, I must know...

Later on, Harry comes out of Hagrid's hut, saying that he is watching to know when it is time to rescue Sirius. He hides behind a bush by the lake, and sees the dementors come for Sirius, his past self, and the past Hermione. He waits anxiously for his dad to appear

DEMENTORS:
Now it is time to suck some souls out
Who should it be this time?
Aha, the boy!, so young and helpless
He will be first in line!

HARRY:
Dear Moony, Wormtail
Padfoot and Prongs
Were they all out tonight?
Could my father
Be alive somehow?
Here to make it all right?

Harry waits for his dad to come, but when he doesn't see his father, he realizes something.

HARRY:
Wait, I think I understand now
Strange sounding as it may be
The caster wasn't my father
But instead was me!

Harry casts the Patronus Charm, and it turns into a stag and chases down the dementors, which saves the past Harry, past Hermione, and Sirius

HARRY:
Patronus caster
I have found you
I made that stag alive
It was my father's animal form
He's always here inside

STAG PATRONUS:
I am your Patronus guardian...
I always will be your guardian

A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of Jingle Bells

Twinkle, spells! Twinkle, spells!
Keep those ghouls at bay.
O Expect-to-Patronise,
Those Demented dopes today. Hey!

Twinkle, spells! Twinkle, spells!
Prongs will make them quake.
Even though they're cold as ice,
It won't be us who will shake.

Magic ghouls, they flow.
Hunting Sirius as their prey.
Opaque shield shall go,
Dash them all away! Ha ha ha!

Hellions soul-sucking,
Making Sirius white.
Now Potter sends his stag prancing.
His buck bucks them. Hooray!

O, Twinkle, spells! Twinkle, spells!
Make those suckers pay.
Soon they'll run and soon they'll hide,
Simply because hope prevails!
Yay!

To the tune of Just in Time, from the musical Bells Are Ringing

THE SCENE: Atop the battlements of the West Tower. BLACK, riding on Buckbeak, thanks Harry & Hermione as he prepares to escape.

BLACK
Just in time, you found me just in time
Before you came, my time was runnin' down
No debate, I sat here to await
'Mentors who osculate, doomed for Ghost Town.
Now you're here and now I know just who I'm flyin'
No more Snape or Fudge, you bought Buckbeak
For Herm came to turn time
Harry came just in time
You proved you're James' son, you are unique!

Just in time, you turned up just in time
Before you came, my cause was hopeless lost
Who would give aid to a fugitive
Granted no right to live, twice double-crossed?
The 'griff you saved, and now I know where we'll be headin'
Not in canine shape, I shall escape
For Herm came to turn time
Harry came just in time

Buckbeak begins flying upward

You're truly James' son, you've set me free!
I'll proclaim at once
You are your father's son!
You're truly James' son, you've set me free!

Black and Buckbeak ascend into the clouds

A filk by LovCedricdiggory to A Sentimental Man from Wicked

SIRIUS:
Who wants a semi-mental man
As a responsible godfather?
So Harry I want you to heed
The whole world's after me
And the other

points at Buckbeak

So we all need to say good-bye
'Cause me and Buckbeak here really need to fly
And helping me has been so kind
I really hate to leave you behind
Then again
I'm a semi-mental man

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of the same name from The Goofy Movie.

I just found this song and remembered the fact that I used to listen to it nonstop about four years ago. This is set at the end of Harry's third year because it's the last time that the end of the year was sort of happy. Family and finally are pronounced as two syllables. You just have to leave out those unnecessary second vowels...

HARRY:
We've been best friends since our very first year,
And I'm looking forward to more.
RON:
No more "Scabbers the rat,"
HERMIONE:
No more "that killer, Black"
TRIO:
Like before.

NEVILLE:
No more magical tests 'til September!
HERMIONE:
No more getting those two out of scrapes.
DRACO:
No more havin' to cheat.
CEDRIC:
No more time to compete.
COLIN:
No more Snape!
SEAMUS:
No more Snape!
DEAN:
No more Snape!
NEVILLE:
NO MORE SNAPE!

FRED:
Gonna plan out more pranks.
GEORGE:
Gonna try some new tricks.
GINNY:
Gonna talk to Harry and not feel like a twit.
STUDENTS: '
Cause after today, we're gonna act dumber!
LAVENDER:
After today, it's divine!
STUDENTS:
After today, it's a Peeves-free summer!
DENNIS:
If I don't faint, I'll be fine!

PATILS:
I've got forty more minutes of Dumbledore's rambling.
FRED+GEORGE:
Then down with the textbooks
OLVIER:
And home we'll be scrambling!
CRABBE:
Just think of all the time we've been losing
GOYLE:
With this studying all day!
STUDENTS:
Things'll be goin' my way, after today!

HARRY:
I hate the summer
And who could blame me?
Family's a bummer.
I have no escape... but
If my god-father's nuts...

STUDENTS:
And after today we're gonna taste free will!
PANSY:
No more li'l Mudbloods to curse.
SLYTHERINS:
Blech!
STUDENTS: After today, no class work to fulfill!
McGONAGALL: Finally can stop being terse.

RON:
We've got less than an hour,
And when it has ended
We all will be leaving!
SNAPE: Or you'll be suspended!

STUDENTS:
Just think of all the time we've been dreaming,
Wishing that we could just say:
Gonna get out of school!
Kiss the teachers good-bye!
Gonna be free from now 'til the end of July!
Things'll be goin' our way
After today!
RON:
I wish that this was the day
After today.