Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

To the tune of The House Upon the Hill from the 1991 musical The Secret Garden

THE SCENE: The Hanged Man, a pub in the village of Little Hangleton, circa 1946. Enter CHORUS OF TOWNSPEOPLE.

CHORUS
High on a hill sits the Riddle House
Their maid just came in to see `em
The news has reached town
That the three will need a Requiem.

Frank Bryce, who's their gardener,
Was thought to have killed the Riddles
But the docs said `cept for being dead
They're all as fit as fiddles

BRYCE: (spoken, to the police) I'm telling you, I'm innocent. You need to be seeking out that lad I saw near the house, a teenage boy, a stranger, dark-haired lad, and pale, deathly pale.

CHORUS
So Frank Bryce was released then
But the mystery remains
The riddle: "Who rid us of the Riddles?"
Is one none can explain

DOT (One of the Hanged Man's patrons, spoken) 'S far as I'm concerned, he killed them, and I don't care what the police say. And if he had any decency, he'd leave here, knowing as how we knows he did it.

Segue 48 years ahead to the summer of 1994

CHORUS
High on a hill sits the Riddle House
Long since its Helter-Skelter
The house is empty and run-down
And serves as a tax shelter.

There near the house is a cranky man
Whom all are still disliking
Frank Bryce tends the gardens yet
And yells at boys as they're biking.

BRYCE: (spoken) Dern fool kids.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Boys by the Beatles

THE RIDDLE'S COOK (Patrons at the Hanged Man pub):
The police think that they've found the one
Who slew the Riddles and their son
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop) Yeah, they say they do (bop shuop)

The police say the murderer
It was the Riddle's gardener
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop) Yeah, I think it's true. (Bop shuop)

I am talking about Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Never liked to mix, Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Well, let's talk about Bryce, now (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Aaahhh, Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
An unfriendly one, Bryce, now, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Cold, to be precise! (Told ya, Dot!)

guitar solo

There's no doubt in my mind that he did
Knew where the back door key was hid (ahhh)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop) Yeah, I say he knew (Bop shuop)

Well, let's talk about Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Had a hard war, Frank Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Well, he'll pay the price, now, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Aaahhhhh! Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Has a temper that Bryce, now, (yeah yeah, boys)
And a heart cold as ice! (yeah, yeah)

Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Don't mess 'round with Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Oooh! Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Ahhhhhh! (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Well, let's talk about Bryce, now, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
He is not very nice! (yeah, yeah)

fade

To the tune of Have I Got a Girl for You from Sondheim's Company

THE SCENE: The Riddle House, as WORMTAIL babysits the grotesque homunculus VOLDEMORT

VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, I need somebody with brains, somebody whose loyalty has never wavered, and you, unfortunately, fulfill neither requirement……
WORMTAIL: I found you. I was the one who found you. I brought you Bertha Jorkins…..

WORMTAIL: (music, quoting what he said when he first produced Bertha)
"Did I get a girl for you! Wait till you grill her!
Did I get a girl for you, Lord!
I've scored!
Dumb! With the Department of Sports and of Games
She works with Barty and she will name names
She's in Albania on a sojourn
Open her mind up, there's so much to learn!"

VOLDEMORT:
Did you get a girl for me! Too bad I killed her!
Did you get a girl for me, Worm!
Confirmed!
Smart! A stroke of genius unlikely at best
Your magic skills have so seldom impressed
I'll give you credit whenever it's due:
Positive feedback from ol' You-Know-Who!

Have I got a task for you! Wait for it, Peter!
Have I got a task for you, son!
What fun!
Pete! For this most wizards would their right hand give!
The honor of making the Dark Lord re-live!
And there's no spoiling my big surprise
Harry will soon meet my noose, then he'll meet his demise

WORMTAIL (spoken): It could be done without Harry Potter, My Lord…..

(music)
Whaddya want? Some blood with the bone and the flesh?
A body to resume your Dark wars?
Whaddya want? To get resurrected afresh?
Then whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya want? A volunteer willing to go?
Supplying you with victims galore?
Whaddya want? There's surely no shortage of foes!
Then whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya wanna get Harry for?

WORMTAIL'S voice gradually fades under VOLDEMORT'S withering glare

A filk by Arcum to the tune of One More Night, by Phil Collins

THE SCENE: VOLDEMORT and Wormtail are in the Riddle House, discussing their plans.

VOLDEMORT (spoken): One more curse... my faithful servant at Hogwarts...Harry Potter is as good as mine, Wormtail. It is decided. There will be no more argument... One more curse...

(music) One more curse, one more curse
I've been trying oh so long,
To let you know, let you know how I feel
And if Potter is to fall,
Just help me back, to gain immortality

Peter, give me one more curse, give me one more curse
One more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever
Give me just one more curse, ooh just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans won't wait forever

I've been sitting here so long,
Wasting time, in a body not yet grown
And I was wondering, is there a better way,
Then I thought, maybe I could make a clone

Peter, give me one more curse, give me just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever
Peter, give me one more curse, ooh just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans won't wait forever
Give me one more curse, give me just one more curse
Ooh one more curse, 'cos I can't wait forever

'Till you give Potter to me, I will always be with you
And if you run away, I will follow you

Give me one more curse, give me just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever

I know forever this time who'll take the blame
If I see the failure of this plan
But unless you change your mind, I promise I'll be here
Provided you'll lend a hand

Give me just one more curse, give me just one more curse
Ooh one more curse, 'cos my plans won't wait forever
Give me just one more curse, give me just one more curse
Ooh one more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever"

Frank Bryce plays a sensitive sax solo...

"But quiet...I think I hear Nagini... Nagini has interesting news, Wormtail."

"In-indeed, My Lord?"

"Indeed, yes, according to Nagini, there is an old Muggle standing right outside this room, playing the saxophone..."

To the tune of Stuck in the Middle With You by the Stealers Wheel

THE SCENE: The Riddle House. FRANK BRYCE, as he is hit by the AK rays of Lord Voldemort, has just enough time to sing his swan song.

FRANK BRYCE:
Well I don't know who has come here tonight
I got the feeling that he isn't too nice
He's a Lord who's sitting upon a chair
And he promises to prove a nightmare
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Yes I'm struck in the Riddle chateau
And I'm wondering where it is I should go
He refused to reveal to me his face
For he's lacking so in all social grace
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Well he's speakin' of a murder
Quite amused about his fiendish plans
As his serpent comes a-crawling
Them two start to talk and say
Hiss, hiss.

He talks in code like a criminal
For that "Quidditch" word makes no sense at all
He's so cruel he's plotting further attacks
I can hear it all despite my earwax
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Well he's speakin' of a murder
Quite amused about his fiendish plans
As his serpent comes a-crawling
Them two start to talk and say
Hiss, hiss.

Yeah I don't think I should be here tonight
I've been hit by rays of emerald light
I weren't scared til Wormtail turned 'round his chair
And he hit me with Kedavran glare
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Yes I'm struck in the Riddle chateau
Struck in the Riddle chateau
Here I am struck in the Riddle chateau

Both BRYCE and the music fade out

To the tune of Moses Supposes, from Singin' in the Rain

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. In the kitchen, HARRY and the DURSLEYS gather for breakfast, or rather for the attenuated fare that passes under that name since Dudley perforce began his Spartan diet. HARRY, having ample provender stocked away in his room, views the proceedings with amusement

VERNON (spoken, indicating his portion) Is this it?

PETUNIA (initially spoken, but gradually sliding into musical cadences)
Dudley gets deadly when gets he fed diddley,
But Dudley's too flabby, as dad, he can see

HARRY (likewise)
Dudley, indeed he, do now he his duty,
For did he eat diddley a light dude he'd be

BOTH
Dudley gets deadly when gets he fed diddley,
But Dudley's too flabby, as dad, he can see

HARRY: For Dudley, our Dude!
PETUNIA: More rabbity food!
HARRY: Unfed and unglued!

BOTH (music)
Hooptie doodie doodle
Dudley gets deadly when gets he fed diddley,
But Dudley's too flabby, as dad, he can see
Dudley, indeed he, do now he his duty,
For did he eat diddley a light dude he'd be

PETUNIA & (HARRY)
Dudley
(Dudley gets deadly when gets he fed diddley)
Dudley
(Dudley's too flabby, as dad, he can see)
Dudley
(Food he once chewed, gee, should now be eschewed, see)
BOTH: For our nurse, she thinks worsely if Dursley's porky!

HARRY: The food we allude to ain't fast food or snack food
PETUNIA: Our duty for Dudley is do him more cuddly

BOTH
He can't have his fries-es in their super-duper sizes
We gotta shrivel Dud or his name is mud!
Dudley!
Dudley!
Dudley!

PETUNIA and HARRY boogie energetically around the kitchen in an extended dance sequence that would do Gene Kelly & Donald O'Connor proud

AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Vernon and Dudley roll their eyes, sigh, and resume their meal of grapefruit

To the tune of Barry Mann's Who Put the Bomp?

THE SCENE: 4 Privet Drive. VERNON confronts HARRY over an oddly-addressed epistle from the Weasleys.

VERNON
I think that some wise guy
Has sent this note
To make the postman
Look askance at me

VERNON and (DUDLEY)
Who is the champ crampin' every every stamp?
Who makes me fret with this letter, letter, let let?
Who sends my way this commu- communiqué ?
Who is the schmoe with the memo-memo-memo?
Who sends missives to Privet where I live
In such a way that I cannot forgive? (Yeah!)

HARRY
When my Vernon says,
"So, so, and so, you little so-and-so-so"
I'm tempted to play quite the aleck-smart
But when Molly was writing,
"Hey, Vern and Pet, it's vis-à-vis a visit"
I can not wait til I depart
So,

HARRY and (DUDLEY)
(to VERNON) Molly's the champ crampin' every every stamp
She made you fret with this letter, letter, let let
She sent your way this commu- communiqué
She is the pro with the memo-memo-memo
She sends missives to Privet where we live
But has no wish to become offensive (Yeah!)

VERNON
Each time that you come home
Bum summer sum bum summer what a bummer
I can't wait until the fall arrives

HARRY and (DUDLEY)
And Godpa wants me happy
Bark barky bark bark barky barky woof woof
So I should now leave Privet Drive
And……

I'll take my ease with the Wease a-Wease-a-leys
I'll whirl up toward the World-a World-a World Cup
I'll watch 'em zoom on their broom-a broom-a brooms
I'll Apparate at a rapid rapid rap rate
I'll watch Vik Krum take on the Leprechauns
While seated right beside my best bud Ron (Yeah!)

HARRY (spoken, simultaneous with below)
I'll inform 'em today, in the normal normal way
Whilst I fret in baggy baggy sweatshirt
I'm gonna dig it hearin' from Pig-a-Pig-It
And tell Ron-a-Ron to set my table space on…………..

VERNON, PETUNIA & DUDLEY (simultaneous with above)
Bomp bah bomp bah bomp, rama lama ding
Dong, dip da
Dip da dip, boogity boogity shoo
Bomp bah bomp bah bomp, rama lama ding dong, dip
Da dip da
Dip, boogity boogity shoo……………..

A filk by Diana & Jim L. to the tune of John Denver's Leaving on a Jet Plane

Harry is waiting for the Weasleys to pick him up in Goblet of Fire so they can go to the Quidditch World Cup.

HARRY:
My trunk is packed
I'm ready to go
I'm waitin' here beside the door
I can hardly wait to say goodbye
But your time has passed
It's five fifiteen
Vernon's aghast
He's blowin' steam
Already I'm so anxious
I could die

CHORUS
So help me and come for me
Hurry up and come get me
Let's go to the Quidditch World Cup
'Cause I'm leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh, Ron, I WANT to GO

There's so many times I've been so down
So many times I've worn a frown
I tell you now, that they won't mean a thing
Ev'ry place I go, you'll go there too
Ev'ry play I see, you'll see it too
When we come back, we won't have missed a thing

CHORUS
So help me and come for me
Hurry up and come get me
Let's go to the Quidditch World Cup
'Cause I'm leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh, Ron, I WANT to GO

Now the time has come to leave here
It's five thirty
Yet you're not here
Cross my fingers
Hope you're on your way
Think about the game to come
When I won't have to be alone
Think about the fun we'll have all day

CHORUS
Oh, help me and come for me
Hurry up and come get me
Let's go to the Quidditch World Cup
'Cause I'm leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh, Ron, I WANT to GO

I'll be leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh Ron, I WANT TO GO

A filk by Ginger to Fool on the Hill by the Beatles

World Quidditch Cup. The ultimate thrill.
And Harry is meeting Ron's big brothers Charlie and Bill.
When Harry tried to define him,
There's just no other word but "cool",
And Molly tries to refine him,
But the Cool Brother Bill
Wears his hair hanging down,
And a turn of his head
Sends his fang spinning 'round.

Tri-Wizard Champ. The Weasleys delight.
The girl who's a quarter Veela has got Bill in her sight.
But he doesn't seem effected
By the charm that she sends his way.
No, he doesn't seem to notice
But the Cool Brother Bill
Wears his hair hanging down,
And a turn of his head
Sends his fang spinning 'round.

Back at the bank in England
He's a new Order member too.
Now can he recruit the Goblins?
And the Cool Brother Bill
Wears his hair hanging down,
And a turn of his head
Sends his fang spinning 'round.

A filk by Jill to the tune of Long Cool Woman (in a Black Dress) by the Hollies

THE SCENE: Back at the QWC campsite, Hermione fills Ginny in on what happened when she, Ron, and Harry went for water.

HERMIONE
Monday I went for some water
Walking with my best friend guys
Checking out a sea of odd tents
With no consistent shape or size

We saw Dean and Seamus and we said "Hi,"
And then we just kept moving along
Just about to get in the water line
When I heard a ruckus 'midst the throng

A pair of wizard guys made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
One was a tall old wizard in a night dress
Who just wouldn't wear trousers at all
With just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that tall old wizard had some gall

I saw this old guy wearing a nightgown
With a colorful flowered design
The Ministry guy held up some trousers
With pinstripes muggles must think are fine
Well Archie said he wouldn't wear them
His dress came from a nice Muggle shop
The Muggles sure were getting suspicious
But old Archie didn't care a drop

Well, the Ministry guy was at a loss now
Showing signs of exasperation

Archie told him, "Don't despair
'Cos I need lots of air
Well I must be free and easy
And I like my privates breezy
I'm a tall old wizard in a night dress
Who will not wear trousers at all."

Well, with just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that tall old wizard had some gall

Had some gall

Jill, who realizes that she could have used another word that rhymes with "all," but didn't want to go there...

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles

The Scene: Before the QWC, the Trio are looking at all the posters of Bulgaria's Seeker

RON:
That's Viktor Krum

HERMIONE:
What was that Ron?

RON:
That's Viktor Krum and I say he's all right!

Quidditch Player; he is the Bulgarian Seeker
Quidditch Player; and he is young, he's just eighteen
He's Viktor Krum, what a Seeker!
That bloke ain't dumb, wait till you see him play!

HERMIONE:
He looks grumpy

RON:
Who cares what expression he's making?

HERMIONE:
He walks ducky

RON:
Who cares? He's like a bird in flight

He's Viktor Krum...what a genius!
He's Viktor Krum, and I say he's all right

Krum, Krum, Krum, Viktor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Viktor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Viktor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Viktor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Viktor Krum

During the game... RON:
Krum was feinting!

HERMIONE:
That "Wonky Faint" is really dangerous!
Nose is painting his scarlet robes a darker hue
That Viktor Krum ...he was brave, though...
Brave Viktor Krum! But he looks quite the mess

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of I Am the Walrus by the Beatles

The Scene: Harry and Ron and the gang are at the Quidditch World Cup Match having a blast!

HARRY:
Eye of Newt and old left boot and we touched all together
See how they run to Portkeys for fun
See how they fly
I'm trying.

Sitting in the top box, waiting for the fans to come
Irish Quidditch Tee Shirts , Stupid Dancing Veelas
Ron, you've been a naughty boy, you kept your gaze too long

I am the Quidfan, They are the Quidfans!
Krum is a genius! Ron's come unglued!

Mister Ludo Bagman sitting
Here near little Winky up a row.
See how they fly Omnioculars in my eyes, that's Viktor Krum.
I'm trying, I'm trying
I'm trying, Krum's flying!

Quigley hit a Bludger right into Viktor Krum's eyes
Lynch just saw the Snitch dive, that's no Wronski Feint now!
Krum is on his tail; you know I think they're gonna crash!

I am the Quidfan, They are the Quidfans
Krum is a genius! The crowd's come unglued!

Sitting next to Ronald Weasley watching Viktor Krum
If Krum's team can't win, at least the man
Is standing with the Golden Snitch!

I am the Quidfan, They are the Quidfans
Krum is a genius! We all camed unglued! Krum's a Cool
Dude!

Ireland wins the Quidditch World Cup!
Don't you think that Krum's a hero too?
See how they smile, those leprechauns gone wild!
See Krum's black eyes!
I'm trying.

Aidan Lynch, the Seeker, supported by his two teammates.
Irish fans are smiling. Singing Quidditch Fight Songs
Man, you should have seen those Veelas when their faces changed!

I am the Quidfan! They are the Quidfans!
Krum is a genius! Let's go get stewed! Zooma Zooma
Zooba Zooba!

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Holiday by Green Day

Harry, Ron, and Hermione run off into the woods at the urging of Arthur Weasley as the events after the Quidditch World Cup run foul.

HARRY:
Say, hey!
Why don't we hide in the underbrush?
Ron, your dad seemed like he was in a rush.
So hush-- I think this could get dangerous.

Crouched together, they try to make out what is going on at the campsite.

HARRY:
Hear the sounds of the hooligans?
I don't think it's just a fight about who won -
It's done - this isn't about the Quidditch game .

. . Suddenly, above them, the Dark Mark glows in all its glory.

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON:
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
-- on holiday?

HARRY:
How come Draco was so cool tonight?
I'll bet his father's down there in the fight.
You're right - let's try to get him in our sight.

Harry realizes he has lost his wand.

HARRY:
Can I get another lumos?

HERMIONE/RON (lighting their wands):
Lumos!

HARRY:
I've lost my wand and without I'm useless
Unless someone notices our distress.

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON:
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
-- on holiday?

RON (mocking Malfoy):
"If you think they can't spot a Mudblood, stay where you are . . . "

HARRY:
Who are these folks with their dark hoods up
Why do they think--

HERMIONE/RON:
. . . they can break the law?

HARRY:
Ruining the Quidditch World Cup, to show off--

HERMIONE/RON:
Some racist cause!

HARRY (observing the horror at the campsite):
Upside-down goes the campsite manager,
And his family--

RON:
That's just sick!

HARRY:
Tents are on fire-- who set the fire?
I bet they won't be--

HERMIONE/RON:
Charged a bit!

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON (horrified):
Just 'cause . . . just 'cause . . . because they're Muggles? Yeah?

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON:
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
This ended up a ruined holiday!

A filk by Haggridd based on the song Where is Love? from the Lionel Bart musical Oliver!

SCENE: WINKY is crying to herself after losing Bartemius Crouch, Jr. at the Quidditch World Cup.

WINKY:
Where is Master Barty Crouch?
Though his father is a grouch
He let me take him to the Quidditch Cup
And for his safety vouch.

Where is he,
Cloaked with Invisibilty?
When the Stunning Spell hit us, I fell
And lost Master Barty.

Master Barty, you was bad;
All the Wizards, they was mad.
Thought I'd conjured the Dark Mark myself;
Yelled at me; called me "Elf!"
Where, where is Master Barty Crouch?

To the tune of Man Eater by Hall & Oates

THE SCENE: The campgrounds after the Quidditch World Cup. After the Dark Wizard riots and the apparition of the Dark Mark, Ministry officials find a scapegoat.

CROUCH, SR. (to WINKY)
We're all searching here tonight
For culprits who took flight
Villains who cast the snake and skull in air.
End your debating!
You've been found with a wand
Don't claim that you're unaware!

WINKY
I's not doing magic, sir
Winky ain't no bad saboteur
We house-elves are mild, we're sprats tamed by the spurs of our masters
Minding our manners!
I did not cast the Mark, I won't bring disasters

AMOS DIGGORY uses a spell which proves the wand in WINKY's possession was used to conjure the Dark Mark

DIGGORY
Prior 'cantato, that wand must now spit it up
Oh oh, here's the mark of a Death Eater
Elf, do not stay mum, it's now time to 'fess it up
Have you joined with scum who are Death Eaters?

HERMIONE (to CROUCH, with righteous anger)
That poor little helpless elf
You left her by herself
You're selfish, Crouch, you have really ripped her world apart
You're mad as a hatter
Oh, our duty is clear, we must take the least to heart

CROUCH (ignoring HERMIONE)
Hey, elf, get you gone, I propose to give you clothes
House-elf, you're now free, you're a wand-cheater
Winky elf, you're done, watch out, girl, I've thrown you out
House-elf, you best leave, I'm an elf-freer.

HERMIONE
Oh, oh, Crouch you grouch, you just chew her up and spew her out
Oh, oh, Barty Crouch, no doubt, you're an elf-beater

(CHORUS OF MINISTRY WIZARDS) AND WINKY
(Oh-oh, there she goes, She's a wand cheater) Ooh, don't chew me up
(Oh-oh, there she goes) Hear my cry, I'm an elf pleader

(CHORUS) AND CROUCH
(Oh-oh, there she goes, get out), I'm settin' you free tonight
(Oh-oh, there she goes) You're now free, I shall delete her

(CHORUS) AND HERMIONE
(Oh, oh, it's the end) This elf is reviled, woo
(Oh-oh, there she goes) There she goes, watch out, girl, watch out girl!

(CHORUS) AND CROUCH
(Oh-oh, there she goes) Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!
(Oh-oh, there she goes) Yeah, yeah, I'm an elf-freer

(CHORUS) AND HERMIONE
(Oh, oh, there she goes, she's been defeated), She's wailing and weeping, ooh
(Oh-oh, there she goes) He's an elf-beater.....

Gradual fadeout. Exit WINKY. Exit all others in the opposite direction, except HERMIONE

HERMIONE: (spoken) "....chew her up and spew her out." Spew......Hmmm......

Exit, deep in thought.

A filk by Gail to the tune of If I Fell by the Beatles

DENNIS CREEVEY:
When I fell into the lake
My survival was at stake
And, "Help him!" someone cried
If it wasn't for the Squid
And for what that creature did
I just would have died

When I fell out of the boat
It was storming
And the clouds above
That moat were direfully swarming

In that cold storm-tossed deluge
I sank right down
And having had lost refuge
I almost drowned that night
In those harsh turbulent waves
And I couldn't imagine how I
Would be saved

But then something large appeared
Pushed me to safety
And Hagrid then steered
The boat over to me
Pulled me back into the boat
And he wrapped me up in his immense mole-skin coat

So I told my one brother
And he said to me
It was none other
Than the Squid, no mistake
It pushed me out of the lake.

To the tune of Razzle Dazzle from Kander and Ebb's Chicago

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. During the start-of term feast, DUMBLEDORE announces plans for the upcoming year

DUMBLEDORE (spoken) We are to have the honor of hosting a very exciting event over the coming months, an event that has not been held for over a century.....

(music)
This year we'll hold Tourney Journey
Tourney turn we to
So as to boost collegiality
We'll bring back games with high mortality
Restore old-time hocus pocus
New traditions now
Soon you will see the sequel that we'll host

Students will do feats of daring
As Rowling leaves a few red herrings
Tourney Journey now
Soon three champions will boast

CHORUS OF STUDENTS
We're gonna hold Tourney Journey
Tourney turn we to
Hogwarts is makin' it more feasible
To compete in the Axis-Weasel-Bowl
Don't tout them old Durmstrang Teutons
We'll cork Korkaroff
They'll be no need to bother keeping score

MALES STUDENTS
We'll play the babes from brash Beauxbaton
They'll be impressed by our nice long wands

FEMALES STUDENTS
Tourney Journey we
As in legends of yore!

DUMBLEDORE
The champ will win Tri-Wiz prizes
Thousand Galleons
But if you're not a seventeen-year-old
Then an age line unseen will unfold

It will be a three-feat Tourney
Simply staggerin'
Who will compete in this great test of skill?

You will learn just what Corny Fudge meant,
"It's gonna be impartial judgment"
Learn who Tourneys here
Oh, the crowds they will thrill!

DUMBLEDORE & CHORUS
Give 'em the old Tourney Journey
Tourney Journey now
Show 'em the first-rate sorcerer you are
Vic'try will be a great achievement
Hopefully earned without bereavement
Tourney Journey now

Tourney Journey now
Tourney Journey now

And we'll make you a star!

MOODY (aside)
Add the kid with the scar!

A filk by Gail to the tune of I Saw Her Standing There by the Beatles

FRED & GEORGE:
Well, we're not quite seventeen
But we had a great scheme
We're underage, but it sure was worth a try
We'll put our names into the Goblet (whoooh!)
Past the age restriction line

We had a notion to use aging potion
Only one drop each should make us qualified
We'll be entered in the Tournament (whoooh!)
Past the age restriction line

Well, everything seemed fine
When we crossed that line
And we thought we had it made...

Whoah, before we both knew
We were thrown across the room
And then we found out our plan had gone awry
We sprouted identical white beards (whoooh!)
Past the age restriction line

Well, everything seemed fine
When we crossed that line
And we thought we had it made...

Whoah, we looked ridiculous
And Lee Jordan laughed at us
And Dumbledore said our beards they sure looked fine
"I warned you to not try and get past (whoooh!)
Past my age restriction line."

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Red Rubber Ball by the Cyrkle. Words & music by Paul Simon (I didn't know that, did you?) and Bruce Woodley.

THE SCENE: After the "bouncing ferret" incident...

RON:
He didn't know Mad-Eye's in the hall
Or he would'nt'a had the fortitude to give you that close call.
Now I'd like this moment preserved for eternity.
When I glimpse his ugly face again, I know what I will see.

CHORUS
And I think of him, amazing white.
Yeah, he shot around the hall.
Old Draco Malfoy's bouncing like a furry white ball.

Moody came 'round, treachery he decried.
Cuz Malfoy cursed behind your back with his goons at his side.
Always bragging, never thinking. How he tends to live!
Now he's getting back some of the cough he likes to give.

CHORUS

The story in the post he did recount to all.
He thought my Mum too grand, and my Dad he made look small.
The Flying Anglia we took so school we could attend
Has caused some trouble with my folks, I've got a fence to mend.

Repeat CHORUS 2x

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Donna from the movie version of the Hair musical

RON:
Once upon a magical Hogwarts school
There was a snotty blonde-haired wizard!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
Now he is a ferret!

I just got back from laughing at Malfoy
He's Hogwarts'
'Mazing, bouncing ferret!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
He deserved it, you bet

Have you seen
His golden blonde hair now turned white fur?
And what a dream
To see girls gag at his sight, yeah
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh

Just got back from laughing at Malfoy
He's Hogwarts'
'Mazing, bouncing ferret!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
Draco is a ferret!

And I'm gonna get that
All onto a picture
So that I can blackmail that snot
With this picture
I'm gonna love this revenge on him
And I'll make it last
Look, he's bouncing
Look, he's bouncing
From the spell
That Moody cast

Once upon a magical Hogwarts school
There was a snotty blonde-haired wizard!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
Now he is a ferret
That is the best thing yet
Let's keep him as a pet
Ferret!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

A filk by Gail to the tune of Unforgettable as performed by Nat King Cole

SCENE: DADA classroom. Mad-Eye Moody teaching Harry and his classmates

MOODY:
Unforgivable
That's what they are
These three curses
Of the Dark Arts
Casting just one of these curses can
Land you a life term in Azkaban
Popular before
The fall of Voldemort

First Imperius:
Total control
Then Cruciatus:
Torture your foe
Finally there's Avada Kadavra
Turn your target into a cadaver
One survivor
He's sitting in front of me

Musical Interlude

Unforgivable
So now take heed
Constant vigilance
Is what you need
That's why Dumbledore has asked of me
To show these spells to all of thee
You're up against
The Unforgivable Three

A filk by Your Mother Should Know by the Beatles

MOODY:
Let's settle down and learn of a spell
That people used to kill, when Voldemort ruled
Death Eaters used it thirteen years ago,
When Voldemort ruled, (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)

Copy this down:
There are three curses, Unforgivable
The worst was used to kill when Voldemort ruled
With this curse many people met their doom,
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)

Lift up your wands and point them at me
And say the words: 'Avada Kedavra'
I wouldn't get more than a small nose bleed.
Such power you need. (Ah, power)
For it to succeed. (Ah ah)
Such power you need. (Ah, power)
For it to succeed. (Ah ah)

I'll say it again:
There are three curses, Unforgivable
The worst was used to kill when Voldemort ruled
With this curse many people met their doom,
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Requiem for the Masses by The Association

Cursum Non Indulgeo I think translates to "Unforgivable Curse" but as I am not a Latin student . . . ] Bartemius Crouch, Jr. (alias Professor Moody) enters the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom with his jar of spiders. Ron lurches backwards.

BARTY/MOODY:
Weasley, Weasley, forget your fears;
The spiders shall not break free.
Please draw your desk in; attune your ears-
It's time for you to see:

How the Dark Lord killed so many men,
Who tried to fight, but were not strong,
So all fell before him.

Begins to demonstrate, with the spiders, the three Unforgivable Curses.

Imperius makes the victim obey you.
Cruciatus makes the victim feel they've split in two.
Avada Kedavra- well, I needn't tell you-

Looks up meaningfully at Harry.

But the only one who ever survived it
Is sitting right in front of you.

Imperio; Crucio!

Neville draws back in his chair as one of the spiders experiences the Cruciatus Curse.

Longbottom, Longbottom, forget your fears;
The Lestranges shall not break free.
Please draw your desk in, attune your ears-
It's time for you to see:

How the Dark Lord killed so many men,
Who tried to fight, but were not strong,
So all fell before him.

He watches with a smirk as all of the students file out of the classroom, plotting to himself.

Imperius is what Mulciber specialized in.
Cruciatus is what did Neville's parents in.
Avada Kedavra's is what, if Cedric wins,
He shall encounter in the graveyard if I don't want him by
When I help my master rise again.

Avada Kedavra!
Cursum Non Indulgeo
Cursum Non Indulgeo

A filk by Amy Z and Haggridd of Tom Lehrer's Smut

SCENE: HERMIONE has come into the Gryffindor common room carrying a roll of parchment and a box. She corners HARRY and RON to tell them all about her newly founded Society for the Promotion Of Elvish Welfare. The box contains membership badges. What has not been revealed until now is that on the parchment that held the S.P.E.W. manifesto, "Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status", was also written the organization's anthem.

HERMIONE:
S.P.E.W.!
Let's give the house-elves all they're due.
And any sniggering from you
Two must be mu-ted.

You can't be fickle,
Just pay a Sickle
Or two and I'll give you a badge made of nickel.
Ron can be the Treasurer and Harry can be Secretary,
Now in S.P.E.W.
We have you two
That makes a total of three; isn't that merry?

We
Will change the non-wand-use decree,
House-elves won't have to work for free,
Or wear those tea-
Towels. Can't you see?

(spoken) They cook the food we eat, do the dishes, do our laundry, clean our filthy common rooms, dormitories, dungeons, loos, stained-glass windows-- everything! 'Til they're paid, we'll never be satisfied!

A house-elf wanders in to clean the grate. HERMIONE takes the opportunity to raise the elf's conciousness.

Not to be nosy,
But is that tea-cosy
Really all you have to wear?
That's not fair.
You won't go sockless,
You'll be auction block-less
Once you stand up for yourselves.
Let's face it, I love elves.

To HERMIONE'S surprise, underneath that tea-cosy is the familiar ugly face of DOBBY.

DOBBY:
A hundred weeks this job I seeks;
At Hogwarts I is staying.
Professor Dumbledore will pay if Dobby wants his paying.
That's not all, there's more,
Vacations galore!

RON:
The house-elves all think that Dobby's depraved,
Hermione. They. Like. It. They like being enslaved!

Give in,
They think not working is a sin.
This is a struggle you can't win.
I'm much too thin
To lose my din-ner.

HERMIONE:
Who needs a hobby, like Quidditch or Astronomy?
I've got a mission-- winning Elf autonomy.
To all who would oppress them, I'm afraid we must be blunt,
We cannot fail! We will prevail, the House-Elf Liberation Front!
In other words,
S.P.E.W.!
The ways of justice we'll pursue.
The revolution's overdue.

RON:
I can't think who
Might want to spew
And trouble you.

HERMIONE:
Ron, that's "S-P-E-W".

HARRY AND RON:
Okay, we'll do it for you.

HARRY AND RON reluctantly pin the S.P.E.W. badges on, and they leave the Gryffindor Common Room with sheepish expressions on their faces.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Fanthoms Below from The Little Mermaid

THE SCENE: As they are in the ship on the way to Hogwarts, the students come up with a song.

DURMSTRANG STUDENTS:
We come to Hogwarts
From a school of Dark Arts
Where our spells and our curses all bang
We're hoping we'll see the
Champion will be
From our most esteemed school of Durmstrang

School of Durmstrang
Durmstrang
How proudly our school name has rang
Where we steer the ship
Because Karkaroff quips
That he can't, since he's
Head of Durmstrang

Durmstrang
Durmstrang

We steer
Steer here
We steer
Here from the Dark Art
School of Durmstrang

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of The Cup of Life by Ricky Martin.

Scene: The Halloween Feast in the Great Hall. Everyone has just finished eating and is eagerly awaiting the selection of the champions. Suddenly, an infectious beat fills the room and Cedric Diggory leaps on top of the Hufflepuff table and starts singing and shaking his hips. A chorus of Hufflepuff guys-including Justin Finch-Fletchley-stands up and acts as his chorus. The girls swoon while the guys gape.

So is your name in it? (Repeat 3 times)

Look look look! (Look look look!)
A name a name a name! (A name a name a name!)
Look (look) look (look), look (look) look (look)
It's a name, yeah!

The Cup of Fire, it does the job
Selects the champs, those who will try
They'll try the tests, 'cause they're the best
Lord will they try, hope they don't die

Hogwarts School will compete, the other schools we'll beat
Because that Beauxbatons, its champ won't be so strong
Though Durmstrang does have Krum, in fact he's really dumb
We'll prove that the shiny Cup is all for Hogwarts
It's all for Hogwarts. (Yeah!)
So is your name in it?

Hogwarts, ho! A name a name a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!
Hey, take a look! The Cup's shooting out a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!

We can't wait for competition
They all will fear our champion
Our boy or girl will be the one
To take the cup, look look look!

So when you see the flame
You'll know it chose a name
Many will try and fail
Yet one will still prevail

The tasks will be quite hard
Danger will be constant
You may be the cup's choice
If your name is in it

So is your name in it?
So is your name in it?

Watch us roll! A name a name a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!
This is your chance
To really be a star
The Cup of Fire!
A name a name a name!

Maybe you could win it!
So is your name in it?
Maybe you could win it!
So is your name in it?
(Yeah!)

The Cup of Fire, it does the job
Selects the champs, those who will try
They'll try the tests, 'cause they're the best
Lord will they try, hope they don't die

Hogwarts School will compete, the other schools we'll beat
Because that Beauxbatons, its champ won't be so strong
Though Durmstrang does have Krum, in fact he's really dumb
We'll prove that the shiny cup is all for Hogwarts
It's all for Hogwarts! (Yeah!)
It's all for Hogwarts! (Yeah!)
So is your name in it?

Hogwarts, ho! A name a name a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!
This is your chance
To really be a star
The Cup of Fire
A name a name a name!

All the girls! A name a name a name!
All the guys! A name a name a name!
Hey, take a look! The Cup's shooting out a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!

A name a name (A name a name), a name a name (a name a name)
A name a name (A name a name), a name a name a name
A name a name (A name a name), a name a name (a name a name)
A name a name (A name a name) a name a name a name
Yeah!

So is your name in it?

Yeah!

To the tune of They Both Reached for the Gun from Kander & Ebb's Chicago

THE SCENE: Darkness

VOLDEMORT (cold high voice-over):
Mr. Barty Crouch Junior sings The Imperius Rag -

Notice how his mouth never moves......

.....Almost

DISSOLVE TO: Lights up on a room adjacent to the Great Hall. SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF react with fury to HARRY's inclusion in the TriWizard Games, but their arguments are dismissed by the Imperio'd!Barty Crouch. CROUCH is under "MOODY's" control to such an extent that he actually sings CROUCH's lines for him (which no one else seems to notice)

SNAPE
Potter's lying

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
Couldn't happen

KARKAROFF & MAXIME
Did he sneak past?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
We weren't nappin'

SNAPE
Crossed the age line

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
I don't see how

"MOODY"
Older students weren't involved

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
So that whole argument's dissolved!

KARKAROFF
Resubmit names

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
Don't work that way!

MAXIME
Then we withdraw!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
You can't leave now!

MAXIME & KARKAROFF
What's to stop us?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
Tri-Wiz game is
Binding magical contract
That no one ever can retract

McGONAGALL (spoken)
An age-line flaw!? Really, what nonsense! Dumbledore believes him. That's good enough! Now tell us, Alastor……

McGONAGALL & SNAPE (music)
How could Potter…..

"MOODY"
Very simple……

MAXIME & KARKAROFF
…get his name in?

"MOODY"
Dark Art Evil

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
Are you crazy?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
Call him "Mad-Eye"!

"MOODY"
Some dark wizard wants him dead

FLEUR (haughtily)
Tri-Wiz prize money turned his head

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
(sarcastically) How'd they do it?

"MOODY"
Confundus Charm

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
(sarcastically) How ingenious!

"MOODY"
Forged a fourth dorm

SNAPE, MAXIME & KARKAROFF
So we'll drop him?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR)
He must compete
Use the names from all the schools
Because it says so in the rules

"MOODY" & BAGMAN
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes he knows
Oh yes, he knows
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows the rules
Knows the rules.

"MOODY", DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL & BAGMAN
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes he knows
Oh yes, he knows
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows the rules
Knows the rules.

"MOODY" (to himself)
Underhandedly, Underhandedly
Yes, I'm perfectly underhandable
Unforgivable, unforgivable
Not a bit unimpeachable
I'm so despicable!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR) addresses the four champions

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
How're you feeling?

FOUR CHAMPS
Kinda nervous

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Are you ready?

HARRY
Are you kidding?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Here's the first task:
Test your daring
Courage facing the unknown
As you enter our danger zone

FOUR CHAMPS
And?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Do not ask for……

FOUR CHAMPS
What?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
……aid or succor

FOUR CHAMPS
And?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Skip your finals.

FOUR CHAMPS
Yes!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Just bring wands

FOUR CHAMPS
Then what?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Late November

FOUR CHAMPS
Yikes!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Comes apace now

FOUR CHAMPS
When?

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
When we see how champions respond!

"MOODY" (to himself)
Underhandedly, Underhandedly
Yes, I'm perfectly underhandable
Unforgivable, unforgivable
Not a bit unimpeachable
I'm so detestable!

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR.)
Let me hear it!

ALL (except MOODY)
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach for
Their/our wands, their/our wands, their/our wands,
Their/our wands
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach
For their/our wands

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
A little louder!

ALL (except MOODY)
For the wands.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach
For their/our wands, their/our wands

"MOODY" (as CROUCH, SR,)
Now you got it!

ALL (except MOODY)
Their/our wands, their/our wands
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach
For their/our wands
For their/our wands.

MOODY AND ALL
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach for
Their/our wands, their/our wands their/our wands their/our wands
Oh yes, they'll/we'll all reach for their/our wands.

ALL (except CROUCH SR.)
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes Barty
Oh yes, Barty
Oh yes, Barty Crouch knows
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules,
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules,
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules,
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules.

MOODY
Barty Crouch knows the….rules.

ALL (except MOODY & CROUCH SR.)
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
The rules, the rules, the rules, the rules
Barty Crouch knows the rules.

To the tune of Haben Sie Gehört das Deutsche Band? from Mel Brooks' The Producers

NOTE: The original song title can be translated Have You Ever Heard the German Band? My re-rendering is Have You Ever Waved the Tri-Wiz Wand?

THE SCENE: A Hogwarts classroom, where the Weighing of the Wands is taking place. Present are the five Triwizard judges, the four champions, Rita Skeeter with her media cohorts, and MR.OLLIVANDER. ARTISTIC LICENSE ALERT: Just as OLLIVANDER is about to make his evaluation, Karkaroff casts a translation spell, which puts OLLIVANDER'S utterances into a (for him) more comprehensible Teutonic idiom

OLLIVANDER:
Haben sie geschwenkt das Tri-Wiz Wand?
Mit a swish
Mit a flick
Mit a swish-swoosh swish-swoosh flick
Aaah, haben sie geschwenkt das Tri-Wiz Wand
Mit a swish
Mit a flick
Mit a swish-swoosh swish-swoosh flick
Durmstrang joysticks und fey French batons
Can't compare vith a 'Vander nine-inch wand
I'm sayin'...

Haben sie geschwenkt das Tri-Wiz Wand
Mit a spark, mit a bird, mit tulip………

Veela hair eez zo flighty unt zo flaky
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that
Newborn-u'corn-remix-Phoenix-dragon-chat-mit-shnaky....

Yew change!

The FOUR CHAMPIONS join OLLIVANDER in a chorus line

OLLIVANDER & FOUR CHAMPS
Ve're sayin'...
Haben sie geschwenkt das Tri-Wiz Wand
Mit a wave, mit a whisk, mit a whip...
It's ze only kind of magic
Zat ze/we four who are in Tourney
Love to grip

Harry's wand spouts a fountain of wine, which OLLIVANDER captures in a freshly-conjured glasses. Enthusiastic toasts are exchanged

BAGMAN
That's our champions!

To the tune of Franklin Shepard Inc. from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along

THE SCENE: The Common Room, 1:05 a.m. After Harry storms off to bed, RON - who is better at Transfiguration then we might think - transforms a pincushion into a Daily Prophet reporter so as to provide him with an audience for his bitterness and anger.

REPORTER
I know our readers would love to hear why you two are asunder

RON (picking up the Potter Stinks badge, and beginning to toy with it.)
Why are we asunder? Sure.

They went-

RON pantomimes Fred and George unsuccessfully challenging the Age Line

And he went -

RON pantomimes Harry successfully challenging the Age Line

And that's 'cause his power's so strong -

Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
He loves to impress the throng! -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -

Then Al went -

RON pantomimes Dumbledore presiding over the Goblet of Fire

And it went -

RON pantomimes the Goblet of Fire producing Harry's name

And the crowd went bzzzzz!

And Al went -

mimicking Dumbledore's consultation with his colleagues

"Potter Potter Potter Potter yes, Maxime,
Potter no, Maxime,
Potter Potter Potter Potter -
-Call the Auror, Maxime, -
Potter Potter Potter Potter Potter do it, Maxime, …
Sorry, Igor … "

So they went -

RON pantomimes Maxime, Karkaroff & Snape giving the thumbs down

But we went -

RON pantomimes Dumbledore, Crouch Sr. & Moody giving the thumbs up

And he went -

RON pantomimes Harry secretly giving a thumbs up as he gloats of his surreptitious TriWiz success

And soon they're lapping it up -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
(mimicking diverse voices in the crowd)
"Wiz!"
"Move it, Weasley … "
"Wiz!"
"- It's the Daily Prophet - "
"Wiz!
"- For an interview - "

"Yes, TriWiz!,"
"By owl messenger … "
""Yes, TriWiz!,
"Will he speak to the press? "
"Will they weigh his wand? "
"Is he sweet on Herm? "
"Will he win the prize? "
"Will you - "
"Fllllash! "
"Beat it, Collin - "

"Potter Potter Potter Potter tells his life "
"Potter day and night"
"Potter Potter Potter Potter Potter - "
"Wiz!
"Even though he's too young … "
"Wiz!
"Yes, TriWiz! … "
"It's the interview … "
"No, TriWiz!, "
"Will they make him withdraw? "
"Are the games going on? "
"Does he worry he'll lose? "
"Are they gonna pull rank? … "

'Cause the faculty met
And then Dumble said
He's in with Viktor, Fleur and Ced,
'Cause he somehow crossed the Age Line.
And he's now a Hogwarts Champion.
Right?

He's the Boy Who Lived
And the Boy Who Lied
And who won't in his best friend confide,
And he gave a real stale quote.
And won't give an explanation.
Right?

He revels in his good fortune
He's dismissed me as a dink
That's the story of the way things are
That's why Harry Potter Stinks.

REPORTER (spoken)
Oh. Well, when you do work together, what do you resent the most - his fame or his fortune?

WEASLEY (spoken)
Generally, their contrast.

REPORTER (spoken)
It sounds like you think having sickles is a bad thing for a wizard.

WEASLEY (music)
Sickles?
Did you say sickles?
Hey, I need sickles a lot -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
I mean, they've raised me with naught -
Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm -
But when it's -
(grunts hungrily)
Sickles …
(again)
Sickles …
Cause he's into -
(snorts)
Sickles …
And he should be -

(spoken) Listen, Harry has the sickles thing very well, but you know why? His parents did it for him. And he does the magic thing very well. And you know what? That just makes me bitter.

(music)
Then the Gryffindors drank
Draughts of butterbeer
As they wildly applaud and cheer
Cause they think that he has won, he
Will lead us to victory -
Right?

So I ask "What's up?
And he plays this ploy,
'Cause he somehow needs
To act so coy
It's whoo-ooooh!
(as Harry, through an owl message)
"Hiya, Rita,
Wanna hear my yarn?
Got my strength from parents,
I cry through the night
But they still watch out
I'll be safe and sound
I'm the nominee
For this big event
Earning such applause - "

And he regards me with such scorn, ya'd
Never know we once were linked
That's his business to demean his pal
That's why Harry Potter Stinks.

Very sneaky how he did it
Much more stealthy than a mink.
Loyalty just does not mean a thing,
That's why Harry Potter -

spoken - RON has a sudden attack of remorse and yearning for the restoration of the status quo ante

Wait, could we wait a minute here because I'm sounding too harsh. The thing, you see, is we're not close right now, but we really used to be. And to paraphrase Tom Lehrer, friendship's like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. And I miss it. I want it back. Look -

(music)
Nothing pertinent has happened,
We're just kinda out of sync
Friendship's something that survives the blues …

(spoken) Witches and Wizards, don't let me lose the best friend a boy wizard ever had..

Abruptly, RON suddenly turns bitter against Harry, and pins the POTTER STINKS badge to his chest

. Stop him in the hallways - you'll be sure to recognize him, he's the guy passing out autographed photos of himself

(music)
Very sneaky how it happens,
He competes as Dumble winks
It's too bad that I don't feel amused -

(highly agitated)
Oh, my gosh, he caught me nappin'
He has pushed me to the brink
Bogus triumphs dominate the news -

(to Reporter, spoken)
In case you didn't notice, this is my first Prophet interview - and my last.

(music)
No, here's the point, that Harry Potter -
In my estimation shrinks -
From the shadows, his former friend's view
Is that -

"Potter Potter Potter Potter quick, Hermy,
Get McGonagall,
There's a crazy kid
In the Common Room … "

Is that -
"TriWiz! Flllash! -"
Is that -
Harry Potter -

(spoken) Thanks, Draco, 'cause I do need these "Stinkin'" badges

(music) - Stinks!

RON transfigures the reporter back into a pincushion and exits. Black-out

Based on the little-known fact that spelling was Barty Crouch Jr.'s worst subject at Hogwarts.........

To the tune of the Ames' Brothers' R-A-G-G-M-O-P-P

THE SCENE: The DADA office. MOODY gives HARRY some "general advice" on how to approach the First Task

MOODY (spoken): My second piece of general advice is to use a nice simple spell that will enable you to get what you need. (HARRY looks at him blankly). Come on boy, put them together, it's not that difficult.......

(music)
Yes -
I say S-T
S-T-I
S-T-I-C
Stick
S-T-I-C Stick Stick Stick Stick

B
I say B-R
B-R-U
B-R-U-M
Broom
B-R-U-M-S-T-I-C

Broomstick
Moodlyboo-bah-dyadoo
Broomstick
Moody'll try to tell you
Broomstick
Alludin' to hints you should know
Broomstick
Quidditchin' proves you are a true pro
Broomstick
Ready-all-set 'n' now you-will go
B-R-U-M-S-T-I-C Broomstick

During the instrumental bridge, the Foe-Glass, Secrecy Sensor, and Sneakoscope all sway in time to the music

I
I see a way
A way for
You to have a
A great victory
Eminently excellently fly

You try Ac-ci
Ac-ci-o
An Ac-ci-o
Spell
C-A-L-L Broom broom zoom zoom

Are -
I say are you
Are you game
For our big game
Egg
P-R-I-Z-E-E-G-G

MOODY & HARRY
Doomspell
Moodlyboo-bah-dyadoo
Doomspell
Moodlyboo-bah-dyadoo
Who'll tell?
Moodlyboo-bah-dyadoo
Do well
Moodlyboo-bah-dyadoo
Raise hell
Doodlydoo-bah-dyadoo D-O-O-M-S-P-E-L Doomspell swell spell

To the tune of Just Like Romeo & Juliet by The Reflections

THE SCENE: The First Task of the Triwizards Tourney. HARRY, full of fear and trembling, stands before the tumultuous crowd and the even more tumultuous Hungarian Horntail.

HARRY
Last up to do the First Task Tourney
Have a little Summons I gotta try
I face a beast fiercer than a lion
Gotta call somethin' I can fly on
As scared as can be, will it work, Hermione?
If I say, Accio to Firebolt.

Just like a "charm," his faithful Firebolt arrives in response to his Summons. HARRY, as he climbs on board, feels his spirit soar along with his body

I'll take my broom in rising ascent
Time to hone in like a huntin' dog
Just take a moment now to hover
Let's use diversionary cover
I have been set free from all my anxiety
When I said, Accio to Firebolt.

HERMIONE leads a CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS cheering HARRY on. Only RON refuses to participate.

HERMIONE & CHORUS
He said, Accio to Firebolt!
He said, Accio to Firebolt!
He said, Accio to Firebolt!
He said, Accio to Firebolt!

HARRY
Now is my time to advance
And I feel completely at ease
It's just one more tough Quidditch game
One Gold Snitch more to seize, uh-huh!

Avoiding the Horntail's fiery breath, HARRY is wounded by a spike from its mighty tail. Despite this, HARRY diverts her away from her nest long enough to grab the Golden Egg

Ah, I'm hit, now, she's laceratin'
Horntails can whale you 'cause their tails really sting
But from off her nest she rises
I grab from her that egg my prize is
My broomstick flew me to this joyous victory
'Cause of Accio to Firebolt!

HERMIONE again leads the chorus, with RON now enthusiastically joining in, as the victorious but injured HARRY is escorted to Pomfrey

HERMIONE, RON & CHORUS
He scores! Accio to Firebolt!
He scores! Accio to Firebolt!
He scores! Accio to Firebolt!
He scores! Accio to Firebolt!

fade-out

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Agony from Sondheim's Into the Woods

THE SCENE: Harry has just entered the common room, where he finds Ginny comforting Ron in a distant corner.

HARRY: What's up, Ron?

RON: Why did I do it? I don't know what made me do it!

HARRY: What?

GINNY: He -- er -- just asked Fleur Delacour to go to the ball with him.

HARRY: You WHAT?

RON (singing): She does entrance, that flower from France,
with long, silvery-blond hair.
So very becoming while getting quite chummy
with Cedric Digg'ry down there.

Agony!
Hide me under the rug!
What was I getting at?
She just stared like I was a sea slug

HARRY: You were right, Ron,
'Bout her entrancing charm;
Her grandma was Veela.
Prob'ly caught blast
Of the charm she had cast
For Cedric to feel-a.

RON: (punctuating each "why" with hitting his head on the wall)
Why, oh why, oh why, oh why...Agony!

HARRY: She was wasting her time
Diggery's going with Cho Chang
That bloke's such a big slime!

BOTH: Agony!

HARRY: Mine's not painful as yours!
I was too late to ask Cho for a date...
Not what I'd hoped for.

GINNY (trying to help them both feel better):
You both are sensitive, clever, well mannered, considerate...
HARRY:...Scrawny and messy-haired...
RON:...Long-nosed and freckle-faced...
BOTH:...Only fourteen!

RON (with sarcasm): Yeah, we're "everything witches could wish for"...then why no?

HARRY: Do I know?

RON (with despair): They must think we're mad!

HARRY: They know nothing of madness, they're not asking us out,
We're always in doubt, screwing our courage up,
They walk in packs 'round us...

BOTH (hitting their heads):
Why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why... Agony!

RON: Misery!
HARRY: Woe!
BOTH: Oh, this stupid Yule Ball!
RON: I was under her spell
HARRY: I was too late, oh Hell!

BOTH: There's no "justice for all".
Agony that can cut like a knife!
So unfair, a boy's life!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Green Green Dress from Jonathan Larson's off-Broadway musical tick, tick...BOOM!

SCENE: Just before the Yule Ball. Ron finally puts on his dress robes, and he is not too pleased.

RON:
Deep dark velvet
Color of maroon
What did I get?
Oh, I think I'm doomed
Girly ruff, moldy
Moldy lace cuffs
Make this end
Because I know I've had enough The frill frill dress
It makes me just want to hurl
The frill frill dress
It makes me look like a girl
Frill dress
Can't go to the ball
Rather be naked
Then wear this at all
Not at all

HARRY:
Let's find a spell
And see what we can do
Like cover the smell
Take the laces off of you
Really, it's not so bad
Oh, what do I mean?
You're right to be mad
It's the worst robe that I've seen!

RON and HARRY:
The frill frill dress
It makes me just want to hurl
The frill frill dress
RON:
It makes me look like a girl
RON and HARRY:
Frill dress
Can't go to the ball
Rather be naked

RON:
Then wear this at all
HARRY:
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ewww
RON:
Not at all
HARRY:
Ewwww

RON:
Let me wear your robe, please
Do ya think I could?
You can wear mine and I'm sure you'll look good
HARRY:
I really feel bad, Ron
But the answer's no
You'll just have to keep that thing on
And we're gonna go

RON and HARRY:
The frill frill dress
It makes me just wanna hurl
The frill frill dress
It makes me/you look like a girl
Frill dress
What a thing to wear
In this frill frill dress

RON:
Everyone will stare
HARRY:
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, eww
RON:
They will stare
HARRY:
Ewwww

RON:
Me in the frill frill dress
HARRY:
Frill frill dress
RON:
Me in the frill frill dress
HARRY:
Frill frill dress
RON:
I am screwed
HARRY:
Ewww

RON:
The frill frill dress
HARRY:
The frill frill dress
RON:
Frill frill dress
HARRY:
Frill frill dress
RON and HARRY:
The frill frill dress.

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of The Tennis Song from the Larry Gelbart musical City of Angels.

Scene: RON confronts HERMIONE during the period leading up to the Tri-Wizard Tournament Second Task, before the Yule Ball.

RON:
I saw that you were with Krum.
HERMIONE:
He was in the Library.
RON:
So tell me why did he come?
HERMIONE:
Well, he came to talk to me.
He was working up courage to ask me a question.
RON:
I bet it was really dumb!
HERMIONE:
I'll go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.

RON: It's just to make him join S.P.E.W.
HERMIONE: No, he just wants to be nice.
RON: I can't agree with that view.
HERMIONE: I can't accept your advice.
And the Tri-Wizard Tournament's purpose is friendship.
RON: I don't believe he is our chum.
Don't go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.

HERMIONE: You don't treat me like a girl.
RON: I leave all that to "Vicky".
HERMIONE: At least he treats me like a girl;
Can't afford to be picky.
RON: On that I quite concur.
HERMIONE: Why don't you go ask Fleur?

RON: The Second Task will be rough.
I say our goal is to win.
HERMIONE: I think you've said quite enough.
This competition is sin.
RON: I think you're being quite contrary
To work with that bum.
HERMIONE: No, I'm for Harry.

RON: Then help him fathom that Egg.
HERMIONE: Well, do you have any doubt?
RON: Harry should not have to beg.
HERMIONE: And I think you shouldn't pout.
RON: Then you had best shake a leg.
You know that time's running out!

RON: I heard that you will visit him.
I'd like to tear him limb from limb.
HERMIONE: You're far too grim;
I think you should keep mum.
Your complaints are wearing thin--
RON: He thinks your name is "Herm-Own-Ninny".

(As Duet)
RON: Don't go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.
HERMIONE: I'll go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.

A filk by Jackie DeMedio to the tune of Under my Thumb by the Rolling Stones

Setting: The Yule Ball

RON:
Going with Krum,
The girl who's a Know-it-All
Going with Krum,
Yeah, he's her date for the Yule Ball
Instead of me
The difference in her robes and hair,
Hermione
Don't be so dumb, by
Going with Krum
(You know it's true)

Going with Krum, The guy, he can't even say her name
Going with Krum,
Him and his overrated fame
Hermione, (Listen here)
He's using you to win or get
To Harry
No good can come from
Going with Krum
(This isn't right)

Going with Krum,
The match it just don't seem to fit,
Going with Krum,
With that stupid Bulgarian git,
Instead of me
She is out fraternizing with the
Enemy,
I feel so dumb,
She's going with Krum
(HARRY: Take it easy, Ron)

Instead of me,
(Oooh, yeah)
Think of those cozy sessions in the
Library
She said she'd come,
She's going with Krum
(Yeah, it's not cool)

Going with Krum,
A guy in a league with Karkaroff,
Going with Krum,
Makes me, me want to rip his arm right off
Hermione,
(Oooh, That's what I said)
When will he ask you to start calling
Him "Vicky,"
That Quidditch bum
She's going with Krum

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Dance With Me by Orleans

VIKTOR KRUM watches Hermione secretly in the library.

KRUM:
Dance viff me;
I vant to be your partner,
Hermo-ninny,
And never mind the darker
Side of my school;
I think I like you,
So dance viff me.

Unfortunately, Viktor's usual tagging-along claque of screaming girls has found him-- so he tucks behind a bookshelf and watches Hermione from there.

My fangirls scream;
It does nothing for me.
But in the library,
There you look so pretty.
If it's not too late,
Vill you be my date,
And dance viff me?

Finally, he works up the courage to ask her.

Let me take you to the Ball.
Do you mind? Is it trouble at all?
I can take you if you want to go.

Dance viff me;
I vant to be your partner,
Hermo-ninny,
And never mind the darker
Side of my school;
I think I like you,
So dance viff me.

Let me take you to the Ball.
Do you mind? Is it trouble at all?
I can take you if you want to go.

Dance viff me;
I vant to be your partner,
Hermo-ninny,
And never mind the darker
Side of my school;
I think I like you,
So dance viff me.

. . . and she says yes . . . and the rest is history . . .

A filk by Jill to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree

The scene: Ron sits at the Yule Ball, glaring at Hermione and Krum as they dance.

RON:
Hermione, Hermione,
How could you go with Vicky?
Hermione, Hermione,
How could you go with Vicky?

I didn't think to ask you first,
You're here with Krum--he should be cursed.

Hermione, Hermione,
How could you go with Vicky?

Hermione, Hermione,
You should have waited for me!
Hermione, Hermione,
You should have waited for me!

I found a date and she is hot,
I should be thrilled but you she's not.

Hermione, Hermione,
You should have waited for me!

Hermione, Hermione,
This ball is so enlightening!
Hermione, Hermione,
This ball is so enlightening!

I watch you dance and as you twirl,
I realize you are a girl.

Hermione, Hermione,
This ball is so enlightening!

A filk by Jill to the tune of She's Got the Rhythm and I've Got the Blues by Alan Jackson

THE SCENE: The Yule Ball, of course!

PARVATI:
Harry acted really nervous
I was ready at his service
The minute that we walked right through that door
I thought that he would lead me
Then I saw it was not to be
So I showed him what to do out on that floor

And he's got no rhythm and I got the blues
And he's showing me how much he lacks a groove
With his every little move I'm hoping he will soon improve
He's got no rhythm and I got the blues

Well the music's getting faster
Too much more could spell disaster
As he runs off the floor in perfect time
Well I thought he would adore me
But now he just ignores me
I'm dumping him, that French boy is sublime

And he's got no rhythm and I got the blues
And he's showing me how much he lacks a groove
With his every little move I'm hoping he will soon improve
He's got no rhythm and I got the blues
With his every little move I'm hoping he will soon improve
He's got no rhythm and I got the blues

A filk by Gail to the tune of I Don't Want To Spoil The Party by the Beatles

PADMA PATIL:
I won't let him spoil the Yule Ball, so I'll go
I am not too pleased with this scenario
I'm supposed to be with Ron
But he's being a moron
Why I agreed to this blind date, I'll never know

I've had some butterbeer, I want to dance
It's no fun, though, when your date is in a trance
It's very clear to me
He wants Hermione
I think it's about time I made a stance

Yes, tonight's the biggest night
I won't let him
Spoil it all with a big fight
I won't let him

I won't let him spoil the Yule Ball, so I'll go
Before this night becomes a fiasco
My sister Parvati, I wonder where is she?
She walked away from here a while ago

Yes, tonight's the biggest night
I won't let him
Spoil it all with a big fight
I won't let him

I see my sister standing over there
Next to the Beauxbaton with wavy hair
I think I will join them
I bet he has a friend
This git Ron, he doesn't even care

A filk by Lilac to the tune of La Bamba by Los Lobos

The Scene: The Yule Ball, of course

EVERYONE:
Let's all go dance at the Yule Ball!
Let's all hold hands at the Yule Ball!

FOUR CHAMPIONS:
But we champs four need to start all the dancing.

HARRY (shaking his head, thinking bitterly to himself):
Can't believe I am dancing
With Parvati Patil, but please, no romancing!
Some may think she's entrancing, but she's not Cho,
Who told me "no" -- she's got a beau.

I wish I could face Voldy,
Or better yet, a Dementor
Than be here tonight.

Parvati leaves to go dance with a Beauxbaton boy

I'm in deep sh*t with Pavarti, that's right.

Yule Ball, Yule Ball,
No fun at all.
Yule ball, Yule ball, please end!

RON:
Let's just escape this dumb Yule Ball!
I'm in the mood for a real brawl --
An argument with that Hermy-oh-ninny,
Dressing up for the en'my
With silky smooth hair, done up with a flair.

Some guy with a Spanish guitar is playing a pretty cool solo while following Harry and Ron up to the Common Room.

RON (to Hermione in the Common Room):
Why did you go with that "Vicky"?

HERMIONE
You know his name isn't "Vicky"!
Viktor before you did ask gentlemanly.
Don't you know what you should do?
The first to ask me had better be you--
Before anyone else! You stupid git!
I'm no last resort, don't you get it?

HARRY (while climbing the stairs to bed, leaving them to it)
Yule Ball, Yule ball,
More like "you'll brawl"...
She "got" it all...
To bed I'll crawl...

Harry stops on the steps and turns back around when he hears a whole mariachi band playing a happy Spanish tune in the Common Room. Harry shrugs, too tired to care, and resumes his trip up to bed

To the tune of The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz by Tom Lehrer

In order for this to scan properly, Weird must be considered a two-syllable word = WEE-YURD

HARRY
Do you remember the night I felt so uptight,
As we danced to the Weird Sisters Waltz?
The music was odd, and my partner was Parvati -
I was dancing with her 'cause I had to take somebati
I did not feel like somersaults
As the dance floor was cleared
While we weaved to the Weird Sisters Waltz.

Oh, the band wore black robes that were torn, la-la-la.
And they played a tune rather forlorn, la-la-la.
Bagpipes and celli, guitars, lute and drum
But Ron kept obsessing upon Viktor Krum

I'd rather have come here with Cho, la-la-la.
As Herm fraternized with the foe, la-la-la.
I thought as my cohort led me 'cross the floor
I would rather be dueling with Lord Voldemort

I remember the Ball 'twas no fun at all,
When I danced to the Weird Sisters Waltz.
Percy's on Cloud Nine (if you'll pardon the metaphor),
And Maxime was bopping with our Albus Dumbledore
I saw Gin under Neville's assaults
But I soon disappeared
And abstained from the Weird Sisters Waltz.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Dancing Through Life from Stephen Schwartz's Wicked

SCENE: We start a few weeks before the Yule Ball, right after Harry learns about it.

HARRY:
The trouble with school is
They always give responsibility
To test you, and I've had more
Than enough of that for me
There is everything I have gone through
And must do
And then this Triwizard Tourn'ment
Sure, that is enough
But this task is unexpectedly tough...

The Yule Ball night
Didn't expect it
Hey, who elected that?
Out of all things
I'll be dancing
Who would have guessed?
Something like this test

The Yule Ball night
It's a tradition
In condition of the the tournament
So that's just great
Now I have to find a date
'Cause I'm one
Of the champions...

A few days pass, and Harry and Ron get more concerned about the ball

HARRY and RON
: The Yule Ball night
It's coming up soon
It will ruin Christmas day
HARRY:
'Cause there's no way
I'll waltz to stuff
RON:
'Least your dress robes
Haven't got lace cuffs!

HARRY and RON:
The Yule Ball night
Tell us who we'll get
HARRY:
Cho has got Cedric
RON:
Who's in our sight?
HARRY and RON:
Why do we stall
To ask a girl
To the Yule Ball
That night!

RON: (spoken)
So- Hermione, who're you going to the ball with?
HERMIONE: (spoken)
I won't tell you, you'll laugh at me
RON: (spoken)
Oh, come on!

Suddenly the scene changes to the night of the Yule Ball, as Harry, Parvati, Ron and Padma walk into it

HARRY:
Let's go down to the Great Hall Yule Ball
We'll open it with a dance
And I'll feel kind of strange

Ron spots the pretty-looking girl beside Viktor Krum, and she turns out to be Hermione

RON:
No way, that cannot be
Hermione!

Meanwhile, Harry and Parvati and the other champions with their partners are getting ready to dance

HARRY:
Right, we're here at the Great Hall Yule Ball
And I'll take a chance
'Cause now it's time to begin

STUDENTS:
Dancing all night
Here at the Yule Ball
Just because the school al-
-Most never has nights
Where you have fun
Just being with ev'ryone
So just dance
'Til you feel all right

The first dance ends, and Harry, Parvati, Ron, and Padma sit down at a table, watching the other students dance. Hermione comes over to them.

HERMIONE: (spoken)
Hey Harry, hey Ron! Isn't it hot out? I've been having a great time. Viktor just went to get us some drinks
RON: (spoken)
Oh- that's so nice. But you know what I know you're really doing?
Fraternizing with the enemy!
To make him join SPEW!
Or find the egg's clue!
Something's gone on with you
And Vicky!
HERMIONE:
Ron!
He's just my friend and there is no more!
And his name's 'Viktor'
Don't call him 'Vicky'!

Hermione storms off into the crowd

RON: (spoken)
I'll call him whatever I want...

A second later, Viktor Krum appears with two drinks

VIKTOR:
Oh you two, have
You see Herm-own-ninny?

RON: (spoken)
No. You must've lost her, go find her.
VIKTOR: (spoken)
Oh...

He walks off. Padma looks at Ron like she wants to dance

PADMA: (spoken) So...

Ron replies angrily, and does not look at her becuase he's too busy staring over at Hermione

RON: (spoken)
No! I'm not gonna ask you to dance!

Parvati and Padma glare and walk off. Ron doesn't seem to notice

RON: (spoken) "Just friends"...pshaw...
(sings) Why should I believe that rubbish?
There's something else, it's obvious
She's lovely
He's ugly
Oh, how do they get on well?
Oh bloody hell-
HARRY:
-Well let's
Go for a walk!

Harry and Ron walk outside. Seeing Hagrid and Madam Maxime talking, they crouch behind a stone reindeer and listen

HAGRID: (spoken)
Oh Olympe, isn' it wondr'ful?
(sings)
From just' when I saw you
There was somethin' that I then knew
An' I've never seen
Another in my life
My mother gave it to me
An' she left when I was three
Soon my dad died..
Enough of me..
We could be together Though some people say that we won't
We're just like each other
You and me
Olympe, do you understand?
MAXIME:
I don't...

HAGRID: (spoken)
Why not? I thought you'd be happy to meet another one!
MAXIME: (spoken)
Anuzzer what?
HAGRID: (spoken)
Another half-giant!
MAXIME: (spoken)
A half giant?! How dare you call me that!

MAXIME:
I've never been so insulted!
Nor I've been so revolted!
I'm not a half-giant
You're on your own
It's just my...bones!
We're not like each other
Good-bye, I'm going to go be alone!

Madam Maxime storms off back to her carriage and Hagrid slowly walks back to his hut. Harry and Ron return to the Yule Ball and watch everyone dance some more for a few hours. All the students have been having a good time. Finally, it iends. Harry goes off to talk to Cedric, so Ron goes back to Gryffindor Tower alone. When he gets inside, he sees Hermione, and tentatively approaches her

RON:
Hey, Hermi'ne
HERMIONE: (spoken)
Yes?
RON:
Hermi'ne
I've got something to explain
The reason why I
Acted like I did tonight
And though you may think it's dumb...
HERMIONE: (spoken)
Oh, Ron, I know why
RON: (spoken)
You do?
HERMIONE:
It's because of Viktor Krum
And you were jealous of him
Well, aren't I right?

Hermione actually is halfway right, but Ron doesn't want her to know, and he also doesn't want her to to know that he likes her, which is what he was thinking about saying. He decides to sort of go with her idea about Viktor Krum, because he can't stand Krum, so he decides to just say that he hates Krum

RON:
No! No! It's because...because...
Because he's such a bloody prat!
HERMIONE:
Oh Ron, don't say a thing like that!
And if you don't like it then
Ask me to the ball next time!
Not as a last resort!
So then Ron...
You know what?
That's fine!

RON: (mutters to himself)
Completely missed the point...

RON and HERMIONE:
That's fine!

STUDENTS:
The Yule Ball night
Twirling and whirling
And walking and talking
Just under the light
No one's realized
The changes that have started
At the Yule Ball
Night!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Different Drum by Linda Ronstadt

THE SCENE: The infamous Yule Ball Brawl.Ron and Hermione have had it out in the Gryffindor common room, and now summarize their disagreements.

HERMIONE:
You and I have to disagree about Viktor Krum.
All night tonight I was having fun,
I could still feel your eyes on me.
You try to tell me Harry's what it's 'bout,
But really, Ron, you're such a lout-
The beauty within me's what he sees.

RON:
Now, don't get me wrong,
Though he's in your pocket,
It's not that Muggle thing 'bout a rocket*-
He's a guy who wants to get info free.
And now I'm not saying you're not pretty,
All I'm sayin's he's playing dirty,
And any person Harry sees
Is prime to give him something that he needs.

HERMIONE:
Oh, Good night! I can't believe
You could be so dense.
And I cannot conceive you could come on much stronger.
Next time, first you'll ask me.

*Ron is referring to "Rocket Science" here.

A filk by PHP Head Girl Giselle to the tune of Only Hope by Switchfoot

CEDRIC [pondering on the 2nd Task for the Triwizard Tournament]
There's a song that's inside of this egg
It's the one that I've tried to hear
Over and over again
When I open this egg made of gold
It just screams at me
Over and over and over again

So I lay this egg back down
And I rest my head and pray
In the prefects' tub, I pray
In the prefects' tub
This egg now is my only hope.

Sing to me of the song of the lake
Of the merpeople swimming and laughing and laughing again
When I think that the task is too hard
Sing the song of the merpeople
Over and over again.

And I lay this egg back down
And I rest my head and pray
In the prefects' tub, I pray
In the prefects' tub
This egg now is my only hope.

Well this is my destiny
The Triwizard Cup, I see
I'll hear them cheer for me
"Triwizard champ, is he!"
At the top of their lungs,
I know they will cheer for me.

So I lay this egg back down
I will rest my head and pray
In the prefects' tub, I pray
In the prefects' tub, I pray
In the prefects' tub
The answer to this task, I know.

To the tune of Tom Lehrer's Send the Marines

THE SCENE: The Entrance Hall. As he is leaving the Yule Ball, HARRY is accosted by CEDRIC DIGGORY

CEDRIC: Hey - Harry!
HARRY (coldly): Yeah?
CEDRIC: Listen ... I owe you one for telling me about the dragons…..

(music)
You are too proud to ask
About the second task
So it's time for me to intervene
Does your egg make a fuss?
That's what we will discuss
Out task will be marine!

Just head straight for the bath
Where you can do the math
While in the prefect's basin you get clean
Insert the egg aquatically
As Myrtle floats neurotically
Then you will learn our task is marine!

So late at night,
The password you'll recite
At the statue of Boris
Right where the fifth floor is
And please be sure to watch out for Ms. Norris

Though you suspect a hoax
I don't indulge such jokes
Or act like Slytherins corrupt and mean.
Stop thinking it deception,
And employ your perception!
I do not tell you this thing so
You will lose face in front of Cho
It simply is a quid pro quo
For our next task -
Which is marine!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

After Hagrid is exposed as a half-giant by Rita Skeeter, Prof. Grubbly-Plank is called to fill in.

GRUBBLY-PLANK
I got a call from Albus
Said Hagrid went away,
Was sure that he was comin' back soon,
But he needed me today.
I said that any job's a good job,
So I took what I could get,
He looked at me with big blue eyes,
And said,
They ain't seen nifflers yet,
Wh-Whilhelmina, they just ain't seen nifflers yet.
Worked with skrewts all year, but would rather forget.
Wh-Whilhelmina, they just ain't seen nifflers yet.

I knew I could do better
Than blast-ended skrewts for sure.
I needed something special.
I picked unicorns so pure.
I say that any job's a good job,
So I took what I could get,
Hagrid came back: I met his eyes
And said,
They ain't seen nifflers yet.
H-H-H-Hagrid, they just ain't seen nifflers yet.
There's something they won't never wanna forget,
H-H-H-Hagrid, they just ain't seen nifflers yet.

repeat

To the tune of Kenny Loggins' Footloose

THE SCENE: Outside Hagrid's cabin The Care of Magical Creatures (CMC) class is being taught with a substitute. Harry is concerned about Hagrid's unexplained absence.

HARRY: What's wrong with Hagrid?
DRACO: Oh he hasn't been attacked, Potter, if that's what you're thinking. No, he's just too ashamed to show his big, ugly face.
HARRY: What d'you mean?.
DRACO: (pulling out a folded page of newsprint) There you go. Hate to break it to you. Potter. ...

Suddenly, RITA SKEETER seems to Apparate out of nowhere. She takes, with studied theatricality, the article from Draco, and begins to read it herself, accompanied by a CHORUS OF SLYTHERINS jitterbugging (what else?) with exuberant Schadenfreude over Hagrid's plight and the Trio's discomfort.

SKEETER
Dumbledore's HR
Is really sub-par
He hired Moody
Weird dude, he's trigger-happy
But ain't that new man
That has me worried the most
It's that part-human he gave
The CMC post

SKEETER & CHORUS
So I've/she's got this news,
Skrewt news, guess how they reproduce?
Crabs, they grab manticores to make babs
Did Hagrid do what our laws forbid?
Skrewts off-shoot, he lets them all run loose

SKEETER
His teaching's so cruel, bringin' horrors to school
His skrewts are really red-hot
He learns 'em burning seminars
Nor can someone tell him his Flobberworms always bite
He's saying he has fun
Seems him and Potter are so tight
But we know that he's only a........

SKEETER & CHORUS
Brute uncute, that's the man raisin' Skrewts
If his 'griff comes by they're/we're all scared stiff
Super scoop, I'll/she'll give you the full poop:
Heed this screed, he's a giant half-breed

SKEETER
His mum's an evil giant
Their kind ain't too compliant
They fought for Lord Voldemort
So turn him loose......

SKEETER & CHORUS
Loose, cut loose, from our school please vamoose!
Giant guy, time to tell ya bye-bye!
CMC's too good for the likes of he!
Can't giant to his mountain transplant?

Brute uncute, that's the man raisin' Skrewts
Did Hagrid do what our laws forbid?
Heed this screed, he's a giant half-breed
Loose, cut loose, from our school please vamoose!

Albus Dumble cut
Albus Dumble cut
Albus Dumble cut
Albus Dumble cut
Albus Dumble cut
Albus Dumble cut
Albus Dumble cut him loose!

HARRY (spoken, outraged) Flobberworms haven't even got teeth!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Yer Blues by the Beatles

HAGRID (jammin' on the electric guitar):

...two..three..

I feel sullen, wanna cry
Tears are fallin' from my eyes
You ask me for the reason
Wooo, I guess I should tell you why

I got the blues: You will find
In today's news, the head line
If you ain't read the story
Wooo, The name on the front page is mine

My mother was a giant
My father was a wizard
So that makes me a half-human
And they say I'm a hazard

You all know how I tried
To be a good instructor
Wooo, but I'm unqualified

The owl keeping bringing posts
In which I am attacked
Tell me I'm a monster
And they say I should be sacked

Depressed - gonna hide
How'd Skeeter know my secret?
Wooo, bet somehow that woman spied

Dumbledore told me
"Don't listen to them
People they still like you
Come on back to work again."

Whatta guy, yeah whatta guy
I'm feelin' better already
Wooo - everything will be alrigh'

A filk by Richard to the tune of Take A Load Off Fanny by The Band.

The song describes how embarrassed Harry is when Moaning Myrtle finds him taking a bath in the Prefect's bathroom. Don't worry: no pornography in this song. It's only meant to be funny.

HARRY:
I pulled into Hogwarts,
Wasn't feeling to good that day,
Just needed a place, where I could go and bathe.
Said "Ginny can ya tell me-where I might find a bath."
She just grinned, took my hand, "follow me," she laughed.

Take your clothes off Harry,
Take them for me!
Take your clothes off Harry,
And…and…and…
I'll watch from spout number…
Number three.

I picked up my bags, and went following up stairs with her,
I thanked her a lot, and all she said was "sure,"
We got there soon and, I said "you can come in too."
She said "why, thanks much, don't mind it if I do.".

Take your clothes off Harry,
Take them for me!
Take your clothes off Harry,
And…and…and…
I'll watch from spout number…
Number three..

Woke up this morning, and nothing left to say,
I'm just rememberin' how much fun I had that day.
Then Myrtle came in, said "Harry we need to talk.
"I saw you in the bathtub that night." All I could do was gawk..

(Chorus): Take your clothes off Harry,
Take them for me!
Take your clothes off Harry,
And…and…and…
I'll watch from spout number…
Number three..

I said, "God, you saw me! Oh Lord, can't take the shame!"
She said, "I know you can't, and Ginny feels the same."
I said, "wait a minute Myrtle, where were you all that week?"
She said, "Harry I spent my time in bath-spout number three.".

(Chorus): Take your clothes off Harry,
Take them for me!
Take your clothes off Harry,
And…and…and…
I'll watch from spout number…
Number three..

Caught Myrtle last night, scared the hell right out of me,
I noticed a soft voice, and she said "take it off Harry!"
I got tired of that place, 'cause she saw all my buff!
Now the year is done, so I'll go pack up all my stuff..

(Chorus): Take your clothes off Harry,
Take them for me!
Take your clothes off Harry,
And…and…and…
I'll watch from spout number…
Number three.

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of Lost and Found from the Larry Gelbart musical City of Angels.

Scene: Harry Potter, Hogwarts Champion for the Tri-Wizard Tournament, is in the Prefects' Lavatory with the Golden Egg in hand, but no idea what to do with it. Moaning Myrtle, who haunts the plumbing at Hogwarts-- and fancies Harry-- offers some advice.

MOANING MYRTLE:
Dear Harry Potter, you've a puzzle to solve;
But that can wait until the bubbles dissolve.

Take a bath; take a bath.
Though he's a prig, Harry,
Listen to Diggory.
You gotta take a bath.

Well then, here are you, in the loo.

You are the Champion of Hogwarts School.
You have to do the Second Task
I beg you, Harry, slip into the pool.
Yes, all you had to do was ask!

Colored foam; steamy room;
Bouquet of sweet perfume.

You musn't be averse.
The Egg you must immerse.

And I can bathe with you!

We can soak; we can do the breaststroke.
Time will hurtle by with Moaning Myrtle
While we take that bath.

A filk by Lillian Evans based on Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven

HARRY:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I wandered, eyes all bleary
Following a curious map, showing movement 'cross the floor
While I watched it paths revealing, funny things my eyes seeing
As of someone quickly stealing, stealing from Snape's private store.
"'Tis the Crouch man," I whispered, "stealing from Snape's private store.
Only Crouch and no one more."

How distinctly I remember, my foot stuck fast in tricky stair
My curiosity had me raptured, watching not the stony floor.
Inwardly I cursed my prying; silent as to not start crying
As leg I pulled, vainly trying, trying to get free the floor.
As I struggled, map went flying, soaring down across the floor.
Helpless now, forever more.

And as I reached where map had fallen, with a rustling my cloak did fall
Grabbing at the silver fabric, willing not it fall to floor.
But just then, the egg went crashing out of my grasp, I stood lis'ning,
And each teacher's piercing footstep echoes sharply 'cross the floor
I knew then I'd be in trouble. Lines, perhaps, or scrub the floor,
Or kicked out, no chances more.

But somehow they all bypassed me, but for one who got me free
Save for words and helpful gestures, Moody practically ignored.
Left I then, and went a fleeing, never stopping, hardly breathing,
'Til I found myself a creeping, creeping 'cross my bedroom floor.
And then sighing I fell tired into bed so nice and warm,
Sleeping so I knew no more.

To the tune of It's My Party by Lesley Gore

SYNOPSIS: The TRIO are baffled by the mysterious disappearance - and equally mysterious reappearance - of Barty Crouch.

RON & HERMIONE
Nobody knows why Crouch Senior is gone
But he still sends his owls
When we ask Percy of him
With sheer annoyance he howls:

PERCY (brandishing a letter)
It's by Barty, and he writes when he wants to
Writes when he wants to, writes when he wants to
I'm in command cause I know Crouch's hand

HARRY
The Prefect's bathroom I'm leaving one night
I gave the egg clue some thought
But then I glanced at my Map
And saw his name on a Dot

It says Barty, and the Dungeon he hunts through
Dungeon he hunts through, Dungeon he hunts through
If he's caught flu, why's he playing gumshoe?

I told Moody that Crouch had come by
He looked alarmed at the name
He said that Crouch is the guy
Who puts all Aurors to shame

HARRY gives the Map to MOODY and exits

"MOODY"
It's my father, and he'll die when I find him
Die when I find him, die when I find him
And with this Map, he'll be easy to trap!

A filk by Gail to the tune of If I Needed Someone by the Beatles. THE SCENE: Harry is in the library the evening before the second task, searching for a spell that will help him.

HARRY:
Buried among dusty volumes
Looking for a spell or else I'm doomed
Please let me find something

Need somehow to get the power
To breathe underwater for an hour
Please let me find something
How could I have let this happen?
Why hadn't I started sooner?
Can't believe now I'm in deep trouble

My two friends were helping out
But now I'll have to continue without...
Please let me find something
Ah, ah, ah, ah

Take another book off the shelf
I just guess I'll have to look myself
Please let me find something
How could I have let this happen?
Why hadn't I started sooner?
Can't believe now I'm in deep trouble

Still haven't found anything
Searching through books at two in the morning
Maybe in the next one....
Ah, ah

A filk by Jonathan Pessin to the tune of It's a Dangerous Game from the broadway musical Jekyll and Hyde (music by Frank Wildhorn.)

SCENE: HARRY enters the water for the second task. As he swallows the gillyweed, sharp pains pierce his neck. He ducks under the water, swims, and starts to sing:

HARRY:
I feel the water cold on my shoulders,
The painful gills as they run up my neck,
Looking for Ron, and maybe Hermione too,
Hope by the end I'm not a total wreck!

Now I've got to be quick,
Gotta use every trick,
Just to rescue my pal named Ron
'Cause he's down in the lake. (This is too much to take!)
I'm a wizard; I'm not a swan!

Hope I've got some good aim
With my wand, all the same,
For my senses proclaim
It's a dangerous game.

A grindylow has me by the ankles,
The giant squid seems a bit peckish, too.
It's just so dark, I can't find my way down here;
The "Famous Potter" doesn't know what to do!
If I'm not there in time
Will they commit the crime?
Either way, I've just got to win.

All I know is I'm lost,
and I'm getting wave-tossed.
My emotions are in a spin.
I know Myrtle will claim
That survival's a shame
But I have to proclaim
It's a dangerous game.

I can't speak, not one bit,
Bubbles fly with every word.
Mermen speak, they can't help.
The worst news that I've ever heard!

Now I'm cutting the cord
(Wish I'd kept that old sword...)
Just to rescue my Weasley friend.
Now that Krum is here, too
I know what I can do.
Rescue Gabby; she's near the end.
As I climb like a plane,
I just hate all this fame
Everyone knows my name
Stinkin' Rita's to blame!
But I've got to proclaim
It's a dangerous game.
Quite a dangerous game.
What a dangerous game!

A filk by Lilac to the tune of CCR's One Last Breath

The Scene: Harry has just made it to the shores of the lake for the Second Task.

HARRY (thinking to himself)
Dobby came and gave me gilly
Here's hoping that this weed will keep me safe
Last night my studies got me nowhere
From this task there's no escape

The whistle blows

Now I'm chewing up this plant thing
And I'm taking one last breath
But now I'm growing gills, growing gills

He flings himself under water

Hang on, now!
I'm six feet under water
I'm thinking,
WOW! I'm breathing like the fishies now!

Grindylows grab while I'm looking all over.
I thank Myrtle for showing where to go.
There... I found them in the MerSquare;
Hermy, Ron, some girl and Cho

He motions to a Merman to lend him his spear

MERMAN:
"We do not help."

HARRY:
I yell out "Come ON!"
But because I have no breath
All that comes out is bubbles, just bubbles

He cuts Ron out with a jagged rock and starts cutting out the others

MERMAN:
"Take your own."

HARRY'S BUBBLES:
"Just get out of my way
'cause I'm thinking
I don't want any of them to drown!"

Cedric and Viktor show up to take Cho and Hermione, and Harry decides not to wait any longer for Fleur to get her sister. The Merpeople try to stop him.

"Stay back now!
I'm taking both of them, and I warn you...
If you don't let me
I'll use my wand!"

Harry puts up three fingers

"That's 3 - 2 - 1!"

Merpeople scatter. He starts swimming with both Gabrielle and Ron. He notices that he is being followed.

Merfolk follow me.
But when the time's gone, will they grab for me?
Why are they smiling at me?
Wonder if they're gonna try to catch and eat us three, and eat us three, and eat us three.

With the effects of gillyweed gone, Harry struggles the last few feet.

Can't quit now....
I'm six feet from the surface, I'm so close...

He surfaces with a great splash right on that loud guitar chord.

Made it, WOW!
I'm taking my first breath, but Ron's saying,
"Why'd you waste time acting the hero?!"

Thanks much, Ron...
"Let's help her to the shore."
But I'm feeling
A little foolish to believe that song.

Going back in the castle

Now that it's done, so glad it's over...
I'm getting Dobby socks to last a year.

To the tune of I Met a Girl from the musical Bells Are Ringing

THE SCENE: After chowing down on some Gillyweed, HARRY dives right into The Second Task

HARRY
I got a gill
A wonderful gill
This really would have turned into a wreck without a gill
A fabulous feature to search the abyss
Hey, I must go looking for what I sorely miss

It's such a gill
An elf-given gill
He guaranteed he'd feed me weed that gave to me a gill
Let Grindylows threaten and hassle and hiss
Time that I start looking for what I sorely miss

I now spot
What else I got
Ere I had not -
Webbed hands and feet and toes
Through which the water flows

In the deep
Who do I peep
As if asleep
Ron, Herm, Cho and some kid
Trapped in the Merfolks' grid

Hey, they need a gill
The champs need a gill
They need to free their hostages from Central Merfolk-ville
The Merfolk say buzz off, but yet I persist
I'm resolved to liberate three friends and this miss
Hey, I've a got a gill
And I'll people save today

CHORUS OF MERFOLK
He's got a gill
He's got a gill
He's got a gill
A gilt-edged gill
A galvinized gill
A golden star gill
A gleaming and glorious gill

He's got a gill
A glamorous gill
He's come to fetch his Wheezy 'cause he swam here with a gill
A fabulous feature for freeing his friends

HARRY/CHORUS
This is why I've/he's got to move ere I/he gets the bends

CHORUS
An A-OK gill
A wonderful gill
A really marvelous gill

HARRY
An utterly fabulous feature when taking a dive

CHORUS
This is how he will keep 'em alive.

HARRY
Where's our camp
Of Tri-Wiz champs
Growing more damp?

CHORUS
See Cedric, Krum
At last they come.

HARRY
Yet no Fluer
Here to secure...

CHORUS
....Her little girl

HARRY
That child I must save
The time is growing shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter because….

CHORUS
He's losing his gills
He's starting to slow
He's got too much of the H² and not enough of O

HARRY
I'm still underwater and I'm needing air

THE CROWD IN THE STANDS
But you've reached the surface now with no time to spare

HERMIONE, CHO, RON & GABRIELLE
He had a gill
Such a wonderful gill
He had a gill

HARRY
And I won the task today!

HERMIONE, CHO, RON & JUDGES
With just a gill
With just a gill
With just a gill

HARRY & CROWD IN THE STANDS
With just a gill!

A filk by Anni to the tune of the Beatles' Eleanor Rigby

I.....look at all the lonely champions....
I.....look at all the lonely champions....

See Harry Potter
Reading the books in the library of Hogwarts School
Falls asleep in his droo-ool
Looking and searching
Finding a way to breathe under water without air
"This isn't fa-air"

All the lonely champions
What to do when the morning comes?
All the lonely champions
How will he save his bum?

Dobby the house-elf
Poking a wizard awake in the face with his finger
He's scared to linger
"Go find your Wheezy
Finding your Wheezy who's giving to Dobby his sweater
Gillyweed makes it better"

All the lonely champions
Let's go, the morning's come
All the lonely champions
This is how he'll save his bum

I..........look at all the lonely champions.....etc

Fleur Delacour
Attacked by the grindylows, dragged from the pond dripping wet
She's left Gabrielle
Look! Harry Potter
Far out of time but he's rescued a little French girl
His head's all a-whirl

All the lonely champions
Now the morning's done
All the lonely champions
For now, he's saved his bum

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Summer Nights from Grease

SCENE: Various halls and classrooms of Hogwarts School. Dean, Parvati, and Lavendar are part of Student Group A who listens to Hermione's story. Seamus, Hannah, and Padma are part of Student Group B who listens to Ron's story. In different parts of the school, both groups frantically ask Ron and Hermione for details about the second task, and they each respond.

HERMIONE:
The second task
What can I say?
RON:
The second task
Wow- what a day!
HERMIONE:
McGonagall took me and Ron
RON:
Merpeople said, "Bring it on!"
RON and HERMIONE:
Didn't know just how it'd go
'Til oh, oh the second task

STUDENTS:
Well uh, well uh, well uh, huh!
STUDENT GROUP A
Tell me more, tell me more!
DEAN:
Did McGonagall yell?
STUDENT GROUP B
Tell me more, tell me more
SEAMUS:
Did they give you some hell?

HERMIONE:
Dumbledore said we'd not be harmed
RON:
Those merpeople, they were all armed
HERMIONE:
We're what champions would miss most
RON:
They kidnapped me like a roast
RON and HERMIONE:
Things arranged were kind of strange
In oh, oh, that second task

STUDENTS:
Well uh, well uh, well uh, huh!
STUDENT GROUP A
Tell me more, tell me more!
PARVATI:
What about Viktor Krum?
STUDENT GROUP B
Tell me more, tell me more
HANNAH:
Was it really gruesome?

HERMIONE:
Dumbledore then put us asleep
RON:
Those merpeople fought like such creeps
HERMIONE:
When there's air, we would awake
RON:
My life and death were at stake
RON and HERMIONE:
What a thing that's occuring
With oh, oh, the second task

STUDENTS:
Well, well, well!
STUDENT GROUP A
Tell me more, tell me more!
LAVENDAR:
Didn't Viktor snog you?
STUDENT GROUP B
Tell me more, tell m more!
PADMA:
Oh, Ron, what did you do?

HERMIONE:
Waited down there 'til all was right
RON:
Well let me tell ya, boy did I fight
HERMIONE:
Krum saved me, I had no doubt
RON:
Well they cheated, and they knocked me out
RON and HERMIONE:
Oh what fate, yes it was great
Through oh, oh, the second task

As the two groups walk down the hallways, they collide into each other, and Hermione hears some of Ron's merperson tale.

STUDENTS:
Well, well, well!
Tell me more, tell me more!
RON:
Could I have beat them?, Sure!
STUDENTS:
Tell me more, tell me more!
HERMIONE:
Oh, what would you do? Snore!

Ron looks embarassed, and Hermione gives him a pointed look, then continues talking about the second task and talks about Harry. Ron joins her.

HERMIONE:
Harry made it, I was impressed
RON:
Though he took it just like a test
HERMIONE:
But it had been one, really
RON:
Took it too seriously
RON and HERMIONE:
What a blast, time for the last
But oh, this second task!

STUDENTS:
Tell me more
Tell me more, more, more!

A filk by Gail to the tune With A Little Help From My Friends by the Beatles

HARRY before the third task

HARRY & (GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM):
What would I have done if it wasn't for them
Helping me throughout both of those tasks?
Lending a hand and giving me support
And all I had to do was just ask
Oh, I got by with a little help from my friends
Hmmm, where would I be without the help of my friends
Hmmm, Going to try with a little help from my friends

How would I even get past the dragon?
(Sirius said a simple spell's what you need)
Moody he said, "Play to your strengths" and then
(Learned Accio from Hermione)
Oh, I will fly with a little help from my friends
Yes, the egg's mine with a little help from my friends
No, won't get fried with a little help from my friends

(Winning the Competition)
Without them it couldn't be done
(Tri-Wizard Competition)
I have to thank everyone

(Under the water how will you then breathe?)
Dobby showed up bringing Gillyweed
(Ron, your best friend at first didn't believe)
But with him there it made things easy
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Hmmm, where would I be without the help of my friends
Hmmm, going to try with a little help from my friends

(Winning the Competition)
Without them it couldn't be done
(Tri-Wizard Competition)
I have to thank everyone

Oh, can't deny it was with the help from my friends
Oh, I got by with a little help from my friends
Yes, all is fine with a little help from my friends
Yes, where would I be without the help of my friends
With a little help from my friends

To the tune of Devil Woman by Marty Robbins

THE SCENE: Potions' Class. The TRIO have been made aware of Rita Skeeter's libelous slur of HERMIONE in Witch Weekly

RON (reading Skeeter's article aloud)
"They warned Harry about her, told him she was such a blight
Harry laughed and ignored 'em, but Harry is not too bright.
She toys with that poor boy's affections, though she is a homely gal.
'Cause that Hermione, what she aspires to be is the grand femme fatale

"Oh, scarlet woman, scarlet woman, let Harry be!
Scarlet woman, let him be!
She thinks she's so smart
She's merely a tart

"Viktor came here from Bulgaria, he's the famous star in Quidditch
Soon his sad heart was broken by that devious young witch
Scarlet woman, so skinny, she traps them all with love charms
'Cause since she shrunk her teeth she thinks we're all beneath her, she ain't worth a darn.

"Oh, scarlet woman, scarlet woman, let Viktor be!
Scarlet woman, let him be!
She'll turn Viktor Krum
To a worthless bum."

To the surprise of HARRY and RON, HERMIONE just laughs the article off

HERMIONE
Rita Skeeter, she's stupid, like the Blast-Ended Skrewt
Like Vince Crabbe & Greg Goyle, if she thinks I give a hoot.
Every word she writes is a falsehood, not excluding "the" & "and"
And everyone will see (perhaps not Pansy P.) through her crude sleight of hand

Oh, Skeeter woman, Skeeter woman, go have a calf
Skeeter woman, make me laugh
Don't care what you say
So slander away

Segue to the Great Hall a few days later during breakfast as the owls arrive

HARRY
During breakfast the owls came, carrying letters for us
Hermy got lots of hate-mail full of bubotuber pus
Made her hands break out in boils, and her eyes to fill with tears
Now our Hermione needs the infirmary 'cause Skeeter so loves her smears

HERMIONE
Oh, Skeeter woman, Skeeter woman, so slanderous!
Skeeter woman, pus for pus!
For vengeance is mine!
I'll payback design!

To the tune of The Bare Necessities from Disney's The Jungle Book

THE SCENE: Inside a cave, atop a mountain overlooking Hogsmeade. Prompted by the TRIO's curioisity, SIRIUS describes the rise and fall of Barty Crouch Sr. during Vold War I.

SIRIUS: A lot of people who were against the Dark Side . . . well, you wouldn't understand . . . you're too young. ...
RON: That's what my dad said at the World Cup….Try us, why don't you?
SIRIUS: All right, I'll try you. . . .Imagine that Voldemort's powerful now…..

(music)
Oh, with his sheer monstrosity
And grisly bellicosity
The Dark Lord bought such terror and such strife
And through his fierce ferocity
Each day a new atrocity
Thanks to his animosity toward life

Some wizards he'd torture, some Muggles he'd kill
A witch, he might scorch her, and seize her will
And you could not tell who was who
Were you for us or You-Know-You?
But Barty C. undertook new decrees
So as to seize all of these DEs
Without a trial, too

His generosity toward foes was quite subdued
Was quite subdued!

Crouch moved with great velocity
To bring some reciprocity
His aim was to use fire to fight with fire
He gave Aurors authority
To murder the majority
Those whom with Voldemort-ity conspired

BC wants to be head man
See, he'd head up MOM
Then it hit the headlines,
Man, like some bomb
That brat they call BC (like his Pa)
Lined up with DEs
(See the shock of Ma!)
Your BC Senior used the law
To feed Junior to a 'Mentor maw
To prove he hated You-Know-Who

The heartless ironies of life hit hard at them
Hit hard at them

So with Crouch's setback, he blew it
Fell apart in all the polls
The Ministry's head man now Corny Fudge is
BC gave his elf the ax, uh uh
His heart is too hard

His son soon was jailed screaming aloud
By soul-sucking fiends in their dark shrouds
Junior did not live too long within it
His missus died, time to violin it
My story's end is grim:
The gaunt vicissitudes of life came home to him.

SIRIUS (joined by the TRIO)
It was the gaunt vicissitudes
That taunt and then dismiss a dude
That haunted King Macbeth who saw his knife
It's time to insist we conclude
On Crouch and all his remiss brood
The grim and gaunt vicissitudes of life
The grim and gaunt vicissitudes of life

To the tune of Every Sperm Is Sacred, from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

THE SCENE: The Kitchen. The TRIO arrive to give DOBBY a pair of socks, a gift for his Second Task assistance. They see WINKY, in a slovenly and inebriated state, sitting by the fireside, with a bottle of Butterbeer in hand.

WINKY:
There are gnomes in the world, there are Centaurs
There are wizards and witches and then
There are elves that yearned after freedom
But I've never been one of them

I'm the Crouch's house-elf
Like my mama and grandma before
And the one thing they say about house-elves
That we're all to secrecy sworn

Winky always kept Master's house clean
And now you say Master is ill
My Master can't manage without me, 'cause
I kept his stuff confidential
Here's why............

Every elf keeps secrets
Every elf stays mum
When people gets nosin'
Elves get deaf and dumb

Every elf is faithful
Every elf's discreet
Elves should not go blabbing
If Masters Death-Eat

Winky knows a secret
She will never tell
She will not spill the beans,
Her lip's as zipped as hell.

HERMIONE
Every elf is precious
Every elf is dear

DOBBY
Every elf gets plastered
Drinking butterbeer

Winky passes out. A CHORUS OF ELVES steps forward to cover her with a tablecloth.

CHORUS OF ELVES
Elves should all stay sober
And Butterbeer avoid
Elves must not be winos
Then they will stay employed

HERMIONE
Winky is unhappy
She has earned that right
For wages and clothing
It's now time to fight

CHORUS
Every elf keeps busy
Every elf works hard
Elves do not have the right
To act with self-regard

Is Winky unhappy?
She has not that right!
Not when there are chores to do
And filksongs to recite

HERMIONE
Every elf needs freedom
Just look at Dobby

DOBBY (to Hermione, withering under the hostile stares of fellow elves)
Miss will kindly promise
To find some new hobby

CHORUS
Every elf is ashamed
Winky is not cute!
Dobby at the same time
Ain't held in high repute

The CHORUS push the TRIO out the door, as they fill their arms with food

Don't judge us by Winky
She's a grave disgrace.
We has all your food now
Go and feed your face!

The kitchen door resoundingly slams shut behind the TRIO

A filk by Riibu to the tune of Waterloo by ABBA

CROUCH, SR.
Oh no, the chaos in my office is increasing
These days, I have extreme difficulties in controlling my mind
The curse I once cast by myself
Is now turned to control my self

Weatherby -help me to sort out my thoughts again
Weatherby -something is wrong I can't concentrate
Weatherby -couldn't escape my son's dark ally
Weatherby -I should fight but can't remember why
Weatherby -what would I do without Weatherby?

My my, I tried to hold him back but he was stronger
Oh yeah, and now it seems my only chance is finding Dumbledore
But how could I ever admit
I still love my devilish kid

Weatherby -help me to sort out my thoughts again
Weatherby -something is wrong I can't concentrate
Weatherby -couldn't escape my son's dark ally
Weatherby -I should fight but can't remember why
Weatherby -what would I do without Weatherby?

But how could I ever admit
I still love my devilish kid

chorus

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Message In A Bottle by the Police

The Scene: The grounds of Hogwarts. Harry is leading Dumbledore to the spot where he left Krum to watch over Barty Crouch, Sr.

HARRY
Just across the way, a lost man with scratches that bleed-oh
A lonely Mr. Crouch from the Ministry-oh
Left alone with Krum, I hope they did take care-oh
He's not making sense, I left them over there-oh

DUMBLEDORE (Noticing Krum's prone body in the absence of Crouch)
I will send an SOS to Hagrid
I will send an SOS to Hagrid
I hope that Hagrid gets my
I hope that Hagrid gets my
I hope that Hagrid gets my
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah

HARRY (observing to himself)
A silvery dart shaped like a ghostly bird
Shot out of the end of Dumbledore's wand
Only Dumbledore said not a word
It flew through the trees to Hagrid's hut beyond

DUMBLEDORE
I just sent an SOS to Hagrid
I just sent an SOS to Hagrid
I know that soon he'll get my
I know that soon he'll get my
I know that soon he'll get my
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah...Oh,
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah

They hear Hagrid crashing through the trees towards them

HARRY
Here comes Hagrid now with his dog and his crossbow

DUMBLEDORE (TO HAGRID)
Hagrid, first fetch Karkaroff, then Moody. Go!

HARRY
Man, that messaging spell really worked well!
Wonder what Jo will call this handy magic spell?

Hope I learn an SOS like that
Better learn to SOS like that
Dumbledore should now teach me
Dumbledore should now teach me
Dumbledore should now teach me
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah
Handy magical spell, yeah
Magic Messaging Spell, yeah

Teach me how to SOS
Gonna need that SOS
I need to know that SOS
Gotta have that SOS
etc...

A filk by Lilac to the tune of One More Angel from Lloyd Webber's Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

The Scene: A stage with a fake wall separating the space into two halves so we can see two scenes simultaneously. On one side, we see BARTY JR.(as Moody) at Hogwarts writing a letter, and on the other side VOLDEMORT (in a baby buggy), Nagini and Wormtail are at the Riddle house reading that same letter after it's been delivered. BARTY JR. has donned a cowboy hat and one cowboy boot for the occasion.

BARTY JR. (Singing as he is writing)
Master, I've something to tell you...
The story of my crime!
Near-tragedy we did avoid,
And in the nick of time

You know the situation was bad
But now that ain't quite true
And there's no sorrow, no regrets
Of killing daddy for you....

There's one more Crouch in a coffin
There ain't no tears in my eyes
Father, on you I've my revenge
It's "tough", but I'm gonna get by

There's one less bloke at the Ministry
There's one less obsessive guy
Barty the senior enforcer
Has bought the farm in the sky

When I think of his last days travel
A chuckle comes to my throat
He got all scratched and bloodied-up
And then "Zap!"... that's all she wrote!

Your one true servant at Hogwarts
Has proven himself again
I'm loyal to you, Lord Voldemort...
Harry Potter's next!

BARTY stands up, tips his hat, and pretends that he is speaking to his father

So long, Father
Adios, daddy-o
10-4 Barty Sr.

VOLDEMORT (TO WORMTAIL):
Crouch is no longer a problem
I guess Nagini won't suck you dry
Wormtail, I'll never forget this,
You're lucky there was patricide

Your blunder shall be forgiven
This once, but you will dread
What torture you will get next time
You'll wish that you were dead

As VOLDEMORT is pushed out of the room by Nagini, Wormtail is groveling, saying, "Yes, Master, your mercy knows no bounds, thank-you, thank-you..." Making sure that Voldemort is out of hearing range, he puts on his own cowboy hat and boots, lets out a big "Yee-Haw!" and starts dancing for joy at not being fed to Nagini. At the same time, BARTY JR. knocks down the fake wall. Wormtail and BARTY run to each other, enthusiastically shake hands, and lock arms to twirl around and dance to the music, hootin' and hollerin' the whole way

NOTE: I'm using two different songs to dramatize this chapter. Harry's part is sung to the tune of The Monkees' Daydream Believer, and Trelawney's to the tune of the Beatles' Day Tripper

THE SCENE: Trelawney's classroom. HARRY dozes off during her lecture on planetary divination, and has a terrifying "day-mare" about Voldemort

HARRY
Oh, dreamt I flew on the wings of an owl in early Spring
An ivy-covered house we're entering
There's hissing and I spy a man with wat'ry eyes
He begs a voice cold and threat'ning.

Pete as snake cuisine, oh what can it mean
When a day-mare retriever hears a Death-Eating fiend?

But the cold voice said, anyway the guy is dead
So Pete hadn't "ruined everything"
Nagini won't get him this time
It's on me that he's to dine
Then with a Crucio Voldy led

On the floor I'm layin', my curse scar wracked with pain
Oh, this day-mare retrievin' really burns up your brain

Sensing that HARRY is about to depart without revealing his vision, TRELAWNEY tries to get him to talk

TRELAWNEY
Here's a good reason
For tracing the red Martian route
It's now the season
For following Neptune about now
Are you a class skipper?
That ain't cricket, yeah
I saw you're so quick to catch vibes
So let's imbibe

You're a true seer
Your Eye saw ever so far
It's become so clear
I saw you clutching your scar, now
Don't be a class skipper
You're really clickin', yeah
You've shown you're psychic to the max
So don't be lax

You copped some Z's here
You saw a Vision so grand
I've expertise here
You'll see further than planned, now

HARRY ignores her and starts to leave her class

TRELAWNEY (to HARRY, simultaneous with below)
But you're a class-skipper
Toward your sickbed, yeah
But if you run now there's no doubt
You won't find out....

HARRY (to himself, simultaneous with above)
I must leave this scene, to Dumbledore come clean
Of my day-mare retrieval of a Dark Lord unseen

Exit Harry

TRELAWNEY
Class-skipper, class-skipper, yeah........

A filk by Murasaki to tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

The jury, seated in the round arena seats of the Wizengamot Courtroom Ten, robed, begins to sing:

JURY: Is this nonfiction?
Or is this just fantasy?
Caught in a trial
Quite similar to reality
Open your eyes
It's a McCarthyism allegory . ..

Bartemius Crouch, Jr. is brought to the center of the chamber and placed in a chair, where the chains immediately wind up his arms. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Rabastan Lestrange are seated in the shadows around him.

BARTY JR: I'm just a young boy, I ask for sympathy.
Because I'm learning how Dark hexes go:
Imperio, Crucio.
Anything my master asks, doesn't really matter to me,
To me.

The Courtroom fades into a flashback of Bartemius Crouch, Jr. that morning, speaking to his mother in the kitchen, wearing Death Eater robes, covered in blood.

BARTY JR: Mama, just hexed a man.
Took my wand up to his wife
And gave her pain just like a knife.
Mama, and their baby son
I just went and took his parents all away.
Mama, ooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry.
I'll be facing Dad again this time tomorrow,
So carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.

The Courtroom comes back, as Bartemius's eyes snap open and two dementors flank either side of him in his chair.

BARTY JR: Too late.
The dementors come.
Sending shivers down my spine,
Memories reeling in my mind.
Goodbye, everybody.
I've got to go.
I've got to leave you all behind and face the judge.
Mama, ooh

JURY: Anything his master asks . . .

BARTY JR: I don't wanna die!
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!

Bartemius Crouch, Sr. enters the courtroom, thick black robes billowing behind him as he comes to the fore and takes his seat, the jury poking their heads out curiously after him.

BARTY JR: I see the haunting silhouetto of my dad.

JURY: Barty Crouch, Barty Crouch, will you do your own son in?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening, he!

MRS. CROUCH: Bartemius!

MALE JURY MEMBER: Bartemius!

MRS. CROUCH: Bartemius!

MALE JURY MEMBER: Bartemius!

MRS. CROUCH: Bartemius, set him free!

MRS. CROUCH AND THE SYMPATHETIC JURY: He's family!

BARTY JR: I'm just a young boy, my dad doesn't love me.

SYMPATHETIC JURY: He's just a young boy from a fine family!
Spare him his life from these monstrosities! (they motion to the Dementors)

BARTY JR: All I did was Crucio; will you let me go?

OPPOSING JURY: Death Eater!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: No!

OPPOSING JURY: We will not let him go!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: Let him go!

OPPOSING JURY: Death Eater!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: No!

OPPOSING JURY: We will not let him go!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: Let him go!

OPPOSING JURY: Death Eater!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: No!

OPPOSING JURY: We will not let him go!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: Let him go!

OPPOSING JURY: Will not let him go!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: Let him go!

OPPOSING JURY: Never!
Never let him go!

SYMPATHETIC JURY: Let him go!

BARTY JR: Never let me go?

OPPOSING JURY: No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

BARTY JR: Oh, Mama, please, Mama, please, Mama, please let me go!

RABASTAN, RODOLPHUS, AND BELLATRIX: Lord Voldemort has great honor laid aside for we!
For we!

BELLATRIX (in a high voice none of the males could ever match): For ME!!!!!!!

Frank Longbottom bursts into the Wizengamot, obviously off his rocker, strumming a broom like an electric guitar and headbanging his white hair.

FRANK: So you think you can hunt me and torture my wife?
So you think you can hex us and leave us to die?
Oh, Barty, can't do this to us Barty!
Just gotta be sent, just gotta be sent to Azkaban!

JURY: Ooh yeah, ooh yeah.

The Dementors lift the four from their seats, and all become placated by the depression as they are led away.

BARTY JR: Nothing really matters.
Anyone can see.
Nothing really matters.
Nothing really matters
To me.

JURY (whispering): Anything his master asks . . .

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Playing With the Big Boys Now from The Prince of Egypt

Bartemius Crouch, Sr. and Alastor Moody pace in front of Igor Karkaroff, who is tied to a chair at the center of the Wizengamot Courtroom Ten. Moody begins to list the family names of Slytherins who might have fed into the Death Eater movement.

MOODY: Can you tell of us Nott?
Crabbe? Goyle? Black? Crouch?
Jugson? Travers? Mulciber? Dolohov?
Rookwood? Avery? Bagman? Pettigrew?
Malfoy? Lestrange?
Parkinson? Zabini? Montague? Flint?
Snape? Karkaroff?

The jury enters from either side of the courtroom and begins to chant the potential names with Moody.

THE JURY: Nott?
Crabbe? Goyle? Black? Crouch?
Jugson? Travers? Mulciber? Dolohov?
Rookwood? Avery? Bagman? Pettigrew?
Malfoy? Lestrange?

Karkaroff!

MOODY: So you say you've got names for us, Igor,
With the power to keep the Death Eaters off the loose?

CROUCH: Please begin; we must hear- we implore-
You may find your sentence shorter if you are of use.
So one?

CROUCH & MOODY: You're working for the good side now.
You're working for the good side now.

MOODY: Every name you blacklist,

CROUCH: Piles up our hit list.

CROUCH & MOODY:: You're working for the good side now.
You're working for the good side now.
You're working for the good side now.

CROUCH: Renounce your darker ways!

MOODY: Search for brighter days-

CROUCH/MOODY: Involving work that pays quite well!
Just tell us what we want, now;
You're working for the good side now.

THE JURY (underneath): Nott?
Crabbe? Goyle? Black? Crouch?
Jugson? Travers? Mulciber? Dolohov?
Rookwood? Avery? Bagman? Pettigrew?
Malfoy? Lestrange?
Parkinson? Zabini? Montague? Flint?
Snape? Karkaroff?

CROUCH/MOODY: You're working for the good side now.
You're working for the good side now.

CROUCH: This is your only trial,

MOODY: So don't be in denial!

CROUCH /MOODY: Give to us our final names!

MOODY: You were once dark.

CROUCH: You were once cruel.
But just to show we've kept our cool:

MOODY: You may work at Durmstrang School!

CROUCH: But first, man, it's time to spill!

MOODY: Spill!

CROUCH/MOODY: Or a cell in you'll reside, man.
You're working for the good side

CROUCH: Working for the good side,

MOODY: Working for the good side,

CROUCH: Working for the good side,

MOODY: Working for the good side,

CROUCH/MOODY:Working for the good side now!

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of Cool, Cool Considerate Men from the musical 1776.

Scene: In DUMBLEDORE'S office, HARRY looks into the Pensieve, and watches a scene from years before. A trial of Death Eaters is in session.

HARRY:
While inside the Pensieve I see
A Court of Wizards sitting far below me.
This looks bad, expressions mad
Little mercy to be had; everybody's sad.

And look! Dementors line the hall
Mr. Crouch is looking tall;
It appears he's running all.
He shouts "They're guilty, all guilty!"

JURY:
They're guilty, all guilty!

HARRY:
It's so cruel!

CROUCH, SR.:
Come ye cruel, cruel incredulous men;
Let's put the Death Eaters all in
Azkaban.

Henchman of Dolohov,
Karkaroff might get off.
Bagman too, I knew what he would do.
My accusation's true; He passed stuff to
You-Know-Who.

I say they're guilty, all guilty!
Oh so verminous and filthy--Yes, be cruel!

Come ye cruel, cruel most critical set.
We must make sure each Death Eater pays his debt.
On the right, sit ye on the right;
Spectators on the left; jury on the right.

Let my son, because of what he's done,
My beloved son see no more of the sun.

JURY:
We say they're guilty, all guilty!
We must use all our ability to be cruel.

DUMBLEDORE:
You must look at this rationally.
It serves nothing to go off half-cocked, you see.
Azkaban is a most revolting plan
Dementors only can bring fear to Wizard-land.

You say "It's war and we must be strong." I say that you do wrong.
You cruel, cruel men.

CROUCH, SR:
Dumbledore, you're a wizard of probity, one of us.
Why don't you join us in our noble quest?
Why do you persist in defending Severus Snape?
Merlin's beard! You don't even like him!

DUMBLEDORE:
That is true; he'a a really slimy git,
But still it isn't fit
To shove Severus in the pit.

CROUCH, SR.:
But why, because of information
He gave to you, Dumbledore?
Be careful, sir! This tribunal may put
Both you, Dumbledore, and Snape in
Azkaban.

DUMBLEDORE:
Why, sir? Is it our world that's dear,
Or your Ministry career?
Fortunately we have but a few men of
Probity among Wizardry without any mercy.

CROUCH, SR.:
Well, perhaps not, but we wizards
Fearful of the Dark Mark
Would rather protect the Wizarding World
By imprisoning more, than be fooled
By showing mercy where we oughtn't.
And that is why we are sitting here

On the right, jury on the right;
Public on the left, while we stay to the right.
Rosier's cold; Rookwood was too bold;
Travers we now hold; the Lestranges never told.

I say they're guilty, all guilty.
I'll be damned if they remain free.

DUMBLEDORE:
You are cruel.

JURY:
We're the cruel, cruel incredulous men
Let's put the Death Eaters all in
Azkaban.

Had enough, must be tough,
Really rough, of stern stuff.
Hearts are cold, manner bold,
Our position we will hold.
We must do what we're told.

JURY, CROUCH, SR., (and DUMBLEDORE):
We (You) cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel,
Cruel, cruel men!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Crocodile Rock by Elton John

To the tune of Gershwin's Someone to Watch Over Me

THE SCENE: The trial of Karkaroff. Seated are Dumbledore and MOODY

MOODY (to Dumbledore)
There's a saying old, "leopards can't change spots"
And I've often said, let him in jail rot
Crouch is going to cut a deal with this Schlemihl I caught

Sought him everywhere for six months or more
He's a big ally of Lord Voldemort
Sometimes makes me wonder why I've stayed Auror

I'd like to ask the officials back at Azkaban
Tell me why they trust filth as stool pigeons

Enter KARKAROFF, flanked by Dementors

KARKAROFF
I am someone who no longer will maim
I'll now name names 'cause I became
Someone who Crouch overcame.

I'm a little man from darkness divorced
Filled with remorse, I'll be your source
As one who Crouch overcame.

Although you may not know that Travers
And Rookwood are traitors
I'll prove that they are, all the same

Can't I get you please to prosecute Snape
Let me escape prison landscapes
I'm one who'll play Crouch's game.
Let me evade Crouch's blame...

To the tune of Tell a Tale of Cock and Bull from Gilbert & Sullivan's Yeoman of the Guard

NOTE: Accent on the second syllable of i-DI-ot and re-SU-me

THE SCENE: The Trial of LUDO BAGMAN. To the dismay of CROUCH & MOODY, the jury is eager to acquit the famed Quidditch star.

CHORUS OF JURORS (to BAGMAN)
Even though you're bought to court
To stand trial
Keep your smile

BAGMAN
I am quite the trusty sort
May I enter
Sans dementor?

CHORUS
It is thanks to you we win
Playing perky
You beat Turkey

BAGMAN
It is plain that I have been
I'll kid you not
An idiot

CHORUS: An idiot
BAGMAN: I'll kid you not
CHORUS: An idiot
BAGMAN: I'll kid you not

BOTH An idiot/ You'll kid us not,
I'll kid you not/ An idiot
An idiot/ You'll kid us not

CHORUS (simultaneous with below)
That dumb jock is gullible
Over his eyes they pulled wool
No penalty
Will insult he
That poor jock is gullible!

BAGMAN (simultaneous with above)
My dim fans are gullible
Over their eyes I've pulled wool
No penalty
Will insult me
Those poor fans are gullible!

As BAGMAN is mobbed by autograph-seeking fans, CROUCH and MOODY view the outcome with anger.

CROUCH
I observe with great disgust
Their committal for acquittal
The harsh sentence I discussed
For Azkaban's in the trash can

MOODY
His foolish fans cannot see
That this athlete
Also Death Eats

CROUCH
But what's sounding worse to me
His resume
He'll send our way

CROUCH: Ministry job
MOODY: He has a throb
CROUCH: Ministry job
MOODY: He has a throb

BOTH
Ministry job/ He has a throb
He has a throb/ Ministry job,
Ministry job/ He has a throb!

CROUCH & MOODY
Will networks Old-Boy-able
Make this guy employable?
If through intrigue
He turns colleague
That will not be enjoyable

CROUCH (eyeing the jury): What a bunch of gulls!
MOODY (eyeing BAGMAN): What a bunch of bull!
CROUCH: What a bunch of gulls!
MOODY: What a bunch of bull!

BOTH
What a trial of gulls and bull
Gulls and bull, gulls and bull
Him, our colleague!?
What a trial of gulls and bull!

To the tune of Night Waltz: The Sun Won't Set from Sondheim's A Little Night Music

THE SCENE: The trial of Barty Crouch, Jr. with CROUCH SR. as prosecutor. As Crouch Jr. is guarded by dementors, CROUCH SR. presents the prosecution's case to a large CHORUS OF WIZARDS AND WITCHES

CROUCH, SR.
My son sinks low,
Conspiring with Longbottom's foes.

CHORUS OF WIZARDS
In the dock
Contrite
Hear him plead
And his mom's in shock
Despite
His foul deed.

CROUCH, SR.
But my son sank low,
As low as a wizard can go.

CHORUS OF WITCHES
Wicked flock!

WIZARDS
Knife fight!

WITCHES
How appalling!

WIZARDS
He dared to mock....

WITCHES
Their plight

WIZARDS
Darkness crawling
But--

WITCHES
Key and lock...

WIZARDS
Indict!

WITCHES
End this brawling.....

FULL CHORUS
Our hands we raise,
We invoke judicial cliches,
On Azkaban now he must gaze
'Cause turning DE, son
Is rather a treason-
Ous thing.

During the instrumental bridge, a dementor waltzes about the court with Crouch Jr.

CROUCH, SR.
The son must sweat,
No longer shall he be a threat.
That boy there I have not beget

CROUCH, SR. & CHORUS
That I'm/you're his ancestor
I'll/You'll now do my/your best ter
Forget.

Crouch Jr., screaming violently, is escorted from the court by dementors

To the tune of Pennies From Heaven by Arthur Johnson and Johnny Burke

THE SCENE: DUMBLEDORE'S office. HARRY had just emerged from the Pensieve following DUMBLEDORE'S intervention.

HARRY
A long time ago - 'round 1983
On trial for their lives were three accused DEs
But I was not Apparated so I could observe that pack
Time-turners weren't operated to give me this weird flashback
It would appear I sometimes vanish now and then
Into Tom's diary, or Dumbledore's basin…..

DUMBLEDORE
You should be curious, son
But also use some caution.......

Extra thoughts my brain retains, Pensieve's receivin'
When I can't quite things explain, Penseive's relievin'
I see the patterns falling right into place
Through its links it can fill in
Ev'ry blank space

HARRY
Seeing Karkaroff and Crouch with Ludo Bagman
Was quite an epiphany that raised a flag, man
So when I need tech support through MOM's courtroom hist'ry
There's a Pensieve retrievin' your thoughts for me

A chamber orchestra out of DUMBLEDORE's memory rises out of the Pensieve's basin to play the instrumental bridge

DUMBLEDORE
…………………………........It raises a flag, man
Why am I Snape believin'? - Don't plan even to ask
But I wish for you good luck with the third task......

A filk by Gail to the tune of Synchronicity II by The Police

Another suburban Muggle morning
Dudley's loud snores are heard through the walls
Harry's awakened by a horrible nightmare
He tries hard to remember it all

Harry dips his quill in ink and writes a note to Sirius
Maybe he knows what it's all about
Alone he sits and stares into the distance
Thoughts are filled with worry and with doubt

Many miles away You-Know-Who lifts his wand;
Frank Bryce is wiped out

Another Div'nations class to sit through
Trelawney talks about the effects of Mars
Perfumed smoke and heat make Harry very drowsy
As she points out the positions of the stars

Harry drifts to sleep and see yet another vision
On the floor, in pain, the class stands to watch
In Dumbledore's office, Harry overhears a meeting
They're talking about Mr. Crouch

Many miles away, You-Know-Who says, "Crucio."
Wormtail pays for his botch

Dumbledore has an interesting theory
The scar which Lord Voldemort left behind
Lets Harry know when he's near or feeling murderous
And Harry can see it all inside his mind

Harry asks if he thinks Voldemort is getting stronger
Dumbledore tells him his suspicions
Harry turns to leave now, D'dore says one last thing:
"Good luck with the Third task, oh Champion."

Many miles away You-Know-Who plots his return
In a manor on a hill, overlooking Little Hangleton

Many miles away...
Many miles away...

To the tune of Rod Stewart's Forever Young

SCENE: The Great Hall. As Harry enters, DRACO (accompanied by CRABBE & GOYLE) mockingly reads aloud Rita Skeeter's slanderous article HARRY POTTER "DISTURBED AND DANGEROUS" from The Daily Prophet.

DRACO
"So, the Dark Lord attacked him, his mind ain't been right since.
His closest of companions are werewolves and fierce giants.
And he is growing more weird, don't deny it's true!
'Cause this reporter will give you her own first-hand view

DRACO, (CRABBE & GOYLE)
"He's unstable and deranged
And the thing that makes him strange:
His Parseltongue (His Parseltongue)
His Parseltongue (His Parseltongue)

DRACO
"Horrid serpents speak to him, he set them against his peers
Walk a hallway with Potter, you see him fill each heart with fear

DRACO, (CRABBE & GOYLE)
"And he screams that his scar's in pain
Mungo experts say he's insane
From Parseltongue (From Parseltongue)
From Parseltongue (From Parseltongue)

ALL
"His Parseltongue
His Parseltongue
Yeah!

DRACO
"The Dark Force Defense League says that boy they will interrogate well
But in the third task of the Tourney, will he win with Dark spells?

DRACO, (CRABBE & GOYLE)
"It's outrageous he's still loose
Can Dumbledore dare to excuse
This Parseltongue (This Parseltongue)?
This Parseltongue (This Parseltongue)?

ALL
"This Parseltongue!
This Parseltongue!
This this Parseltongue!
This Parseltongue!"

The Slytherin Trio dissolve in laughter, as Harry disdainfully ignores them, while directing Ron & Hermione to do likewise

To the tune of It's A Maze from the 1991 musical The Secret Garden

THE SCENE: The Quidditch field. The Champions, who have assembled to learn about the Third Task, notice the rows of hedges sprouting up everywhere.

CEDRIC (indignantly, spoken): What've they done to it?
HARRY (bending to examine the nearest one): They're hedges!
BAGMAN: Growing nicely, aren't they? Give them a month and Hagrid'll have them twenty feet high. Now, I imagine you can guess what we're making here?

Momentary silence

KRUM: Maze
BAGMAN: That's right! A maze. The third task's really very straightforward........

(music)
Plant a hedge, we have asked
It will grow, as we sun it
Tell the champs, "Here's your task,
Toward the goal, you must run it."

Through our maze, the trophy, in a maze of snares
Our champion must locate.
For our maze is guarded by fantastic beasts
Who will throw around their weight.

HARRY, CEDRIC, FLEUR & KRUM
For we four champs know how the dangers grow
How the dragons snap and the merfolk trap
So there's one more threat we've to master yet
And we then can homeward go

Segue to the Transfiguration Class, where RON and HERMIONE help HARRY practice hexes

TRIO
Freeze, freeze opponents with Impediment
Please, please, oh Four-Point Spell, North path present
Seize, seize, Reductor Curse, what blocks my/his course
Ease, ease with Shield Charm, strengthen its force

Segue to June 24 1995, the morning of the Third Task. HAGRID leads a herd of ferocious critters into the hedge Maze, now fully grown.

HAGRID
Come along, skrewt, come crawl away, crawl along
Come along, spider stride home
Come along, Sphinx, you've come a long way
You've riddled all day, come riddle us home

HAGRID provides the critters with their Third-Task job descriptions

Mix their steps, make them fall
Block their path, throw toward wall
Singe their hair, slash and burn
Get them lost, trophy spurn

Segue to the Great Hall, where HARRY is pleasantly surprised by MOLLY AND BILL WEASLEY's unexpected visit to Hogwarts as his "family."

MOLLY
You'll amaze us, Harry, you'll amaze them all
You will set your critics straight

BILL
Tied with Ced, but now, pull ahead somehow,
And we all shall celebrate

Segue to the evening: Now, with all Hogwarts in attendance, the Third Task begins!

ALL (except Champions)
For our four champs know how the dangers grow
How the dragons snap and the merfolk trap
There's just one more threat you've to master yet
And you then can homeward go

HARRY, CEDRIC, FLEUR & KRUM
But win or lose
It's our final cruise
And we then shall homeward go!

HARRY and CEDRIC enter the maze, followed by KRUM and FLEUR

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the theme to the Mary Tyler Moore Show

This is what happens when a demented filker watches too much TV Land… He starts filking…

HARRY:
How will I make it through this time?
That maze is awfully big
There's creatures there that can crush my bones
And the danger's unforgiving
And I sure don't know if I'll will come back living

RON and HERMIONE
Magic's all around no need to fake it
The cup is within sight, why don't you take it?

You might just make it after all
You might just make it after all

CROOKSHANKS
Meow

To the tune of Tom Lehrer's Oedipus Rex

THE SCENE: The Triwizards Maze. Enter HARRY, who discovers THE SPHINX blocking his path.

HARRY
Most of my fans get quite annoyed
When JKR gets linked with Freud
Yet both make patricide a theme
Jo's had two dads by sons get creamed