To the tune of The Surrey With the Fringe On Top
THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. Having received a written invitation through the Muggle post, HARRY is hoping VERNON will allow him to depart with the WEASLEYS to the Quidditch World Cup.
HARRY:
Molly has this message sent to me
Stamped over-enthusiastically
VERNON
It's the sort of thing that I hate to the utmost
Something out of the ordinary….
HARRY
The Weasleys sent this invitation
To attend skilled broomstick gyrations
In a clash of two Wizard nations at the Quidditch Cup
They'll arrive at five here tomorrow
My godpa will be filled with sorrow
If they cannot his godson borrow for the Quidditch Cup
VERNON
These Weasley fellows, they're some of "his kind"
Who sent him that weirdo letter
There's a part o' me says, "Make him stay behind,"
But get rid of the kid, that's better!
HARRY
How will we launch this new safari?
Will we fly a Ford or Ferrari
Through a night sky moonlit and starry toward a Burrow stop?
How I long to be departin' for the Quidditch World Cup!
Segue to the next day, as HARRY and THE DURSLEYS wait for the WEASLEYS to appear
VERNON:
Did you say they be here at five?
HARRY:
Any moment now they should arrive
VERNON:
Hope that they don't think that they'll be asked for dinner.
PETUNIA
Take the boy, away then they must drive
HARRY
Uncle Vern has got his best suit on
Which he does when there's a dispute on
Dud's a-feared, now ain't he a cute one, safe-guardin' his butt
Much to the DUSRLEYS' consternation, voices are heard from behind the faux fireplace.
Now we hear a voice, does a nut lurk?
ARTHUR (behind the wall)
No, it's just us via Floo Network
But the damn thing simply will not work
If the chimney's blocked
FRED, GEORGE & RON (behind the wall)
We Weasleys are trapped behind the drywall
This isn't quite what we were hopin'
ARTHUR (behind the wall)
There is a way out that I now recall
It's a spell that'll blast it right open
The fireplace wall explodes, covering everyone and everything in dust as the WEASLEYS emerge.
ARTHUR (looking around, enraptured)
Muggle home, I could stay here forever
FRED, GEORGE & RON
Yeah, right, sure, Dad, OK, whatever
THE DURSLEYS
No, no, no, no, no, never, never
Go away and stop!
We dislike it when a family of wizards in drops.
FRED & GEORGE (to themselves)
Aunt and Uncle ain't fun and cuddly
Harry told us all about Dudley
He's a git who appears none too studly,
Just a greedy thug.
We've a wheeze from the Weasley collection
That's disguised as a harmless confection
Once it's dropped, Dud might make a selection
Of our Toffee Tongue.
He's takin' the bait just as we had surmised
Soon he'll know something he wrong ate
For his tongue is gainin' an excessive size
To a length of four feet it elongates
In the ensuing panic, ARTHUR sends his sons and HARRY away via the Floo Network, and remains behind to repair the damage
ARTHUR
Hush, l'il Dud, your tongue stop a-flappin'
'Tunia & Vern, desist in your scrappin'
Oh, those twins, their wrists I'll be slappin'
For this isn't fun
I'm so sorry 'bout their Toffee
And this tongue of one ton.
ARTHUR, having returned everyone and everything to normal, takes a final affectionate glance around the Muggle native habitat before departing via Floo Network. Segue back to SIRIUS alone on the beach. The Blonde is nowhere to be seen; however, there is lipstick all over SIRIUS' face.
SIRIUS (in his Sirius-announcer voice): Harry had a great time at....
Enter BUCKBEAK, who emits a low whistle
BUCKBEAK: Wooo, dude, look at you. Remember that bumper sticker on your motorcycle? "Animagi do it like animals."
SIRIUS (ignoring BUCKBEAK): ....at the World Cup, despite having to share a box with the Malfoys and observing some odd behavior from a house-elf named Winky. Property of one Bartemius Crouch. But after the game, he saw for the first time some of Voldemort's old supporters in action: the Knights of Walpurgis, better known as Death Eaters.
BUCKBEAK (singing): "Eaters will say that they'll lunge...!"
SIRIUS: Stop it, we eliminated that filk in an earlier draft. (Resuming Sirius-announcer voice) The Death Eaters wreaked havoc, though it all came to a halt when a person or persons unknown cast the Dark Mark in the sky, using a wand stolen from Harry to do so.
BUCKBEAK: Sirius, did you hear that Voldemort is going to open a training camp for Death-Eating canine Amimagi?
SIRIUS: That's terrible, what's he calling it?
BUCKBEAK: The Dark Mark bark park.
Rim shot
SIRIUS (Sirius-announcer voice): The house-elf Winky, though all agreed that she could not be the culprit, was nevertheless dismissed by Crouch, cast from his house forever. Returning to school, Harry and his cohorts learned that the Quidditch season was to be cancelled this school year - in order to make way for something even more exciting......The TriWizard Tournament!
Out of the Flame (GoF, Chap. 12 & 16)
To the tune of Out Of My Dreams
THE SCENE: The Great Hall. DUMBLEDORE announces that the TriWizard games, dormant for over a century, are to be resumed.
DUMBLEDORE
Segue to the next day, as GEORGE & FRED try to place their names in the Goblet
CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Segue to the next day, back to the Great Hall, with Durmstrang & Beauxbatons in attendance. DUMBLEDORE presides over the Goblet's selection of the (HEM HEM) three champions.
DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE catches the fourth scroll ejected by the Goblet, and, after some hesitation, reads off the name written on it
DUMBLEDORE:
Segue to SIRIUS, mounted on BUCKBEAK, high in the evening sky
SIRIUS: Harry's curse scar has started hurting him again, so we're headed back to Hogwarts.
BUCKBEAK: Ouch! Not so tight! And quit kicking my side!
SIRIUS: Thanks to an obscure branch of magic that you won't learn about until Book Five, Dumbledore knew that Harry was telling the truth when he said that he did not enter his name in the Goblet.
Others were not quite as - shall we say? - generous in their assessment.....
It's A Scandal! He's Underage! (GoF, Chap. 17-18)
To the tune of It's A Scandal! It's An Outrage!
THE SCENE: A room adjacent to the Great Hall, immediately after the Goblet of Fire ceremonies. The anti-Potter forces are
in high dudgeon over Dumbledore's decision to let Harry compete in the TriWiz games. The song begins with the quartet of
MADAM MAXIME, FLEUR DELACOUR, IGOR KARKAROFF & SEVERUS SNAPE furiously pacing the floor.
MAXIME: Betrayed!
MAXIME (music, to the reader):
KARKAROFF (spoken)
Several hours ago I was so very pleased!
I'm doing Durmstrang business like I oughter
SNAPE: (music)
Enter CHORUS OF DURMSTRANG & BEAUXBATON STUDENTS
MAXIME, FLEUR, KARKAROFF, SNAPE & CHORUS
CROUCH SR. & BAGMAN
MAXIME, FLEUR, KARKAROFF & CHORUS
MAXIME:
MAXIME, FLEUR, KARKAROFF, SNAPE & CHORUS
FLEUR:
MAXIME: Not me!
KARKAROFF: Me too!
BAGMAN (aside) Don't say that here!
SNAPE:
MOODY:
Dark forces prowling everywhere and evil plots they build
Enter DRACO and a CHORUS OF SLYTHERIN, HUFFLEPUFF & RAVENCLAW students
DRACO (passing out badges)
"Potter Stinks" badges, yeah!
MAXIME, FLEUR, KARKAROFF, SNAPE & BOTH CHORUSES
DRACO
MAXIME, FLEUR, KARKAROFF, SNAPE & BOTH CHORUSES
DRACO
MAXIME, FLEUR, KARKAROFF, SNAPE & BOTH CHORUSES
DRACO
DRACO, MAXIME, FLEUR, KARKAROFF, SNAPE & BOTH CHORUSES
It's a challenge we must face!
It's a scandal, he's underage!
DRACO
ALL (to HARRY):
Exuent Omnes, in pursuit of Harry. The mob runs past SIRIUS and BUCKBEAK, who, in their role as omniscient narrators, remain unobserved by all.
SIRIUS: Harry's fellow students, excepting only Hermione, believed that he himself entered his name in the Goblet. Even Ron thought he was lying, precipitating a great quarrel between them. Everywhere, Harry had to endure taunts, ridicule, slights, persecution.....
BUCKBEAK: Like Godfather, like Godson, I always say
SIRIUS: Still, Harry was not bereft of support. Not only did he have Hermione and myself to back him up, he also had the new Dark Arts Professor, Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody: the best Auror the Ministry ever had, and a man who quickly made his presence known at Hogwarts.
A ferret comes bouncing down the hall. SIRIUS & BUCKBEAK watch it with some interest till it exits
Hagrid let Harry know that the First Task was going to consist of facing a full-size fire-breathing dragon. When I was unable to give Harry all the information he needed, "Mad-Eye" stepped in with a little advice.....
Accio (GoF, Chap. 20)
To the tune of I Can't Say No
THE SCENE: The DADA office. MOODY gives HARRY a hint on how to compete in the First Task
MOODY
So here's a simple answer to believe
A lightbulb going off in his head, HARRY rushes to HERMIONE
HARRY:
Whether a light or heavy weight
HERMIONE
Surpassin', you've got it,
Segue to the next day, with HARRY and the other three champions waiting to be called
HARRY
HARRY steps out before the roaring crowd and the roaring Horntail,
yelling "Accio, Firebolt!" For a moment, nothing happens
Will this spell Firebolts bestow?
The faithful Firebolt zooms to HARRY'S side
….Oh, with relief I now sigh!
HARRY mounts his broom and soars off to TriWizard glory. In the crowd are SIRIUS & BUCKBEAK, who applaud and cheer loudly - but unheard of course - when HARRY captures the Egg.
SIRIUS: Wow! James himself couldn't have done it any better. (announcer-voice). To backpedal a bit in our story...
BUCKBEAK: Backpedal, backpedal......
SIRIUS: When Hermione witnessed the brutal dismissal of Winky, she began noticing things that had escaped her observation before. Such as the fact that even at Hogwarts school, elves were enslaved. Elf-liberation became an idee-fixe for her - although she might have chosen to direct her efforts toward some worthier cause if she had only met that nauseating little toerag at my mother's....
BUCKBEAK (aside, nudging SIRIUS) Ix-Nay on the Oilers-Spay......Bloomsbury and Scholastic have some really high-powered lawyers, they won't care if you're beyond the veil or not!
SIRIUS (recovering himself):But Hermione's new crusade met with considerable resistance - not the least of which came from the elves themselves, who thought freedom was a bit overrated....
People Should Free All Their Elves (GoF, Chap. 14 & 21)
To the tune of People Will Say We're In Love
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. HERMIONE impresses Harry & Ron to join her in fighting for elvish rights.
HERMIONE
Don't deny them their pay
Don't roll your eyes at me.
Let's start correcting things
Segue to Hogwarts Kitchen, where WINKY sets forth to the TRIO the case for continued elf-servitude.
WINKY
Don't raise my pay too much
Don't bad-mouth Crouch too much
HERMIONE (simulataneous with below)
WINKY (simulataneous with above)
Exit the TRIO. SIRIUS & BUCKBEAK remain in the kitchen. The house-elves, who are uniquely able to discern omniscient narrators, greet them warmly and load them with savory collations, which they devour with great appetite
BUCKBEAK (his mouth full of meat pie): I'd completely forgotten that there is cuisine in this world that has a taste differing from rat souffle
SIRIUS: (gnawing on a drumstick): The egg that Harry seized from the dragon contained the clue for the Second Task. Amidst a raucous celebration at Gryffindor, it didn't seem too urgent to figure it out right away. Besides, Harry - as well as his peers - were now presented with a Task more arduous than anything they had heretofore encountered.
BUCKBEAK: Girls, i.e.
SIRIUS: Prof. McGonagall informed Harry that a formal dance - The Yule Ball - invariably accompanied the TriWizard Tournament, and as one of Hogwarts' champions, he was expected to inaugerate the festivities with a suitable partner. As in dance partner.
BUCKBEAK (eyes gazing heavenward): Young love - ain't it romantic?
SIRIUS: But as a great Muggle poet once observed, the course of true love never did run smooth....especially if your name is Ron Weasley...
Her-mee-oh-nee (GoF, Chap. 22-23)
To the tune of Kansas City
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. RON, getting desperate for a Yule Ball date, asks HER-MEE-OH-NEE to go with him, only to be rejected.
RON:
I didn't want her goin' to the Yule Ball by herself
I cannot get a date with Her-mee-oh-nee
It isn't as if I dream of Her-mee-oh-nee
RON & CHORUS OF MALE GRYFFINDORS
Segue to the evening of the Ball. As HER-MEE-OH-NEE enters, escorted by Krum, every mouth falls open in reaction to her radiant transformation - making RON more displeased than ever
PANSY:
PARVATI:
CHORUS OF MALE GRYFFINDORS:
RON:
Viktor Krum has a date with Her-mee-oh-nee
Herm is a gal who now is fraternizin'
HER-MEE-OH-NEE
ALL (to RON):
Lengthy and elaborate dance sequence: first the Champions dance with their partners, then everyone else except RON joins in - Fred & Angelina, Neville & Ginny, Draco & Pansy, Dumbledore & Sprout, Moody & Sinistra, Bagman & McGonagall, Hagrid & Maxime, Karkaroff & Snape, etc.
ALL (to RON):
RON: (spoken)
As the Yule Ball crowd disperses, we see SIRIUS & BUCKBEAK, munching on the hors d'oevres
BUCKBEAK: I mean, the Weird Sisters are OK, but they just don't have the depth, the range, the artistic integrity, the thematic complexity of Stubby Boardman
SIRIUS: With the Yule Ball hostilities - I mean, of course, festivities - complete, Harry turns his attention to the Second Task, and the Egg. A helpful hint from Cedric lets him hear the Egg's message. Though on the way back from the Prefect's bath, he learns that the long-missing Bartemius Crouch is prowling around in Snape's office, and observes a rather prickly encounter between Snape and Moody. Harry now knows what he needs to do for the Second Task - but can he figure out how?......
All or No One (GoF, Chap. 25-26)
To the tune of All er Nothin'
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. HARRY has finally figured out the egg clue for the Second Task, but that's just the beginning of his difficulties.
HERMIONE:
HARRY:
I heared from Cedric over ta the Yule Ball
HARRY immerses the egg in water, which immediately begins singing
CHORUS OF MERPEOPLE VOICES
HERMIONE & HARRY (joyously and wearily, respectively)
Segue to the early morning hours of February 24. HARRY, in the Library's restricted section under his Invisibility Cloak, is searching desperately for a spell that will aid him in the Second Task.
HARRY:
HARRY collapses in exhaustion. Enter, at 9:20 a.m., DOBBY, with a handful of Gillyweed
DOBBY:
I'm an H. Potter elf, faithful & true
HARRY (coming awake with a start):
DOBBY:
HARRY dashes off to the Lake. Segue to HARRY standing partially submerged, as he begins eating the Gillyweed.
HARRY:
CROWD:
HARRY:
Now I'm growin' some gills
Segue to HARRY entering the Merpeople's town square, and sees all four hostages bound to a huge statue
Now I see Ron plus the other three!
CHORUS OF MERPEOPLE
HARRY:
CHORUS OF MERPEOPLE (scattering)
HARRY:
HARRY goes about trying to free all four hostages, using a rock to hack at the ropes. As RON is set free, enter Viktor and Cedric - HARRY helps direct their rescue efforts
HARRY:
With all the hostages free, but the effects of Gillyweed wearing off, HARRY struggles toward the surface with RON and Gabrielle Delacour in tow
So I ain't gonna fuss, ain't gonna frown,
HARRY reaches air. Segue to the presentation of points.
RON
JUDGES (except Karkaroff):
RON, HERMIONE & GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS:
FLEUR:
FLEUR kisses HARRY twice on each cheek, causing steam to come out of his ears. SIRIUS & BUCKBEAK emerge from the lake, both wearing snorkeling gear.
SIRIUS: With an unexpected win, Harry now is tied with Cedric for first place. And the Trio finally meet with us in our cavern shortly after this...
BUCKBEAK (pulling several red fish out of the water): Yeah, that was mainly for the purpose of spreading a few of these things around.
SIRIUS: ...and I told them all about Barty Crouch - the champion DE-catcher, who sent me to Azkaban for life, and how he came to grief. But later, Harry meets Crouch, seemingly insane, on the Hogwarts campus, only to have him dissappear again moments later. But that's not the last Harry will see of Mr. Crouch.....
Many a DE (GoF, Chap. 30)
To the tune of Many a New Day
THE SCENE: Toward the end of the year, as MOODY lectures his DADA class, HARRY is led to remember what he observed in Dumbledore's Pensieve
MOODY:
MOODY & STUDENTS
HARRY (to himself)
Segue back to Dumbledore' office. HARRY enters the Pensieve, and observes BARTY CROUCH SR. laying out his prosecution strategies.
CROUCH, SR.:
Many a DE I'll dock before I'm through!
Never till I questioned Karkaroff
Many a bad man I'll bag
CHORUS OF MINISTRY OFFICIALS
Many a DE he'll dock before he's through!
CROUCH, SR.
CROUCH, SR. & CHORUS
Segue back to MOODY'S DADA lesson. Iris out on MOODY, an evil leer on his face. Segue to the Little Hangleton cemetery. HARRY, tied to the tomb of Tom Riddle, recounts the events leading up to his capture. In the background WORMTAIL makes preparations to restore the Dark Lord. Enter SIRIUS & BUCKBEAK, in their narrative roles
BUCKBEAK (voice quivering in fear): A rave-rard?! Ro Ro!
BLACK: Kindly refrain from the Scooby-Doo impressions - canine imitations are strictly my department! (resuming Sirius-announcer voice). Harry and the other champions learned at the end of May that the third task, set for June 24, would be a maze full of hazards, with the TriWiz triumph going to whoever could first reach the Cup in the center of the maze. This time, Harry thought he knew what to expect, and prepared for the task with confidence, rather than the fear and panic he felt over the first two tasks.
But of course, none of us, least of all Harry and Cedric, could have anticipated what actually did happen......
HARRY (music):
Enter HERMIONE, who rushes over to the tombstone and unties HARRY
HARRY: Hermione, what are you doing? You're not in this scene! This is a canonic violation! This completely changes the plot if you rescue me. And you're ruining my big solo!
HERMIONE (apologetic): Harry, I'm so sorry, but there's one song we've left out, and we need to go back and do it now. If we wait till after Voldemort's resurrection and the Priori Incantatem sequence, it's just going to be far too anti-climactic.
HARRY: But it's too late now, we can't go back....(with a start, he realizes who is talking to). Never mind, this is the great Hermione Granger we're dealing with here, of course we'll just go back in time, then. So where are you taking me, to one of Lockhart's early lectures?
HERMIONE pulls out a chain hanging from around her neck, at the end of which is a small, sparkling book
HARRY: (puzzled, his anger lessening) That's not a Time-Turner......
HERMIONE: No, Harry, this is called a Page-Turner.
HARRY: Hermione, have you been exchanging owls with A.S. Byatt again? Because if you have.......
HERMIONE: Of course not, it's not that kind of Page-Turner. It simply allows us to travel back to an earlier place in the book. See this song starts in Chapter 18 and ends up in Chapter 37, so we need a Page-Turner to do it properly. But as soon as the song is finished. I'll send you right straight back to Little Hangleton, and you just pick up right where you left off. OK?
Throughout the preceeding exchange, VOLDEMORT and WORMTAIL have been tapping their feet impatiently. HARRY gestures in their direction
HARRY: Hey, guys, take five, I'll be right back......
VOLDEMORT and WORMTAIL give HARRY the "OK" sign, and each lights up a cigarette. HERMIONE throws the chain of the Page-Turner around Harry's neck, and turns it back to Chapter 18.
Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet (GoF, Chap. 18-19, 21, 24, 31 & 37)
To the tune of The Farmer and the Cowman
THE SCENE: HARRY is now back in a corridor adjacent to the Great Hall, fleeing once more from the mob pursuing him at the end ofIt's a Scandal. He sees a friendly feminine hand beckon to him from inside a broom closet, and immediately enters. After the mob passes, the closet re-opens, to reveal HARRY & RITA SKEETER
SKEETER (to HARRY, Quill in hand):
Harry Potter yarns help sell newspapers
CHORUS OF REPORTERS
Segue to several days later, in Potions Class, where we find HARRY with a copy ofThe Daily Prophet in hand
HARRY:
HERMIONE:
HARRY:
HERMIONE:
HARRY:
DRACO (spoken)
PANSY (spoken):
Slytherins break out in derisive laughter
HARRY (spoken):
Segue to HAGRID'S garden, as SKEETER prepares to introduce herself
SKEETER (watching HAGRID)
CHORUS
SKEETER
HAGRID (blushing with pleasure):
SKEETER
TRIO:
HERMIONE
SKEETER:
Segue to the Three Broomsticks, as HERMIONE confronts SKEETER
SKEETER (spoken): Harry! How lovely! Why don't you come and join- ?
HARRY (spoken): I wouldn't come near you with a ten-foot broomstick. What did you do that to Hagrid for, eh?
HERMIONE (spoken): You horrible woman, you don't care, do you, anything for a story, and anyone will do, won't they?
(music)
SKEETER involuntarily crushes her martini glass in her hand, which give out a sound like a gunshot. Everyone ducks for cover except HERMIONE & SKEETER.
SKEETER (spoken):
Customers emerge from under their tables
ALL
TRIO
Segue back to The Great Hall, as the owl post arrives
HARRY & RON
Exit HERMIONE, covered in bubotuber pus. Segue to the grounds off Hogwarts, as SKEETER again dictates to her Quick-Quotes Quill
SKEETER
HERMIONE:
TRIO & HAGRID
Animagic folks should not be gossips
During the long instrumental passage, HERMIONE, dressed in lepidopterist gear, pursues SKEETER (in beetle form) with a butterfly net, up and down the stairs and corridors of Hogwarts. Finally, SKEETER flies into a darkened corridor, with HERMIONE right behind. A moment later, HERMIONE emerges from the other end of the corridor holding a jar triumphantly aloft.
TRIO & HAGRID
HERMIONE adjusts the Page-Turner. Abruptly cut to.........
Lonely Doom (GoF, Chap. 31-33)
To the tune of Lonely Room
THE SCENE: The Little Hangleton cemetery. HARRY, tied to the tomb of Tom Riddle, recounts the events leading up to his capture, and witnesses the resurrection of Lord Voldemort. In the background WORMTAIL makes preparations to restore the Dark Lord.
HARRY:
After the third task was commencin'
In a whirl we land
A knife rends
I ain't gonna see any friends no more!
Gives me one last chance to duel
With nothing other than his wand, HARRY is bought face to face with LORD VOLDEMORT. SIRIUS, apparently alone, observes unseen.
VOICE OF BUCKBEAK: (from behind one of the tombs): I can't look! It's too scary! Come and get me when it's over!
SIRIUS: There, there, Bucky my lad, it's going to be OK. Voldemort and his pals are about to commit one of the basic Evil Overlord errors
BUCKBEAK (peaking out from behind the tomb): You must mean a Rule Six violation: I will not gloat over my enemy's predicament before killing him.
SIRIUS: Exactly - listen as the Death Eaters and Voldemort re-unite after their 13-year-long hiatus.....
A!Kedavra (GoF, Chap. 33)
To the title tune of Oklahoma!
THE SCENE: The newly resurrected LORD VOLDEMORT and his CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS prepare to rid the world of one HARRY JAMES POTTER.
MCNAIR:
CRABBE:
AVERY:
NOTT:
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
LUCIUS:
CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
And when we say
VOLDEMORT
VOLDEMORT & DEATH EATERS (to HARRY)
And when we say
As the duel is about to begin, the DEs began chanting in the background
DEATH EATERS
But as the duel commences, we hear another voice quickly swelling
FAWKES (off stage, at first, but then entering with incandescent color and light)
FAWKES:
GHOSTS OF JAMES & LILY, CEDRIC, BERTHA & FRANK BRYCE
We have come here to rescue the boy
to HARRY
HARRY: OK, I'll -
HARRY retrieves the Portkey and, with Cedric in tow, vanishes
FAWKES & GHOSTS (joyously)
Yeow!
VOLDEMORT (flying into a demonic rage): Shucks!
Pore Ced Is Daid (GoF, Chap. 35-36)
To the tune of Pore Jud Is Daid
THE SCENE: The grounds of Hogwarts, with all students and staff in attendance. HARRY has just returned from the Little Hangleton graveyard, clutching the lifeless body of Cedric Diggory.
HARRY:
ALL
MOODY
ALL (except HARRY, DUMBLEDORE & MOODY)
MOODY drags HARRY to his office
MOODY: [speaking] Now, you come along with me, I got something to say. Son, I bought you here to tell ya that I know the name of that no-good worthless bit of two-faced Death Eater filth what's been skulkin' round this here school of our'n. It were he what put your name in that Goblet. He helped you see howta beat them dragons. He conversated with McGonagall about whether you would use gillyweed in front of your little elf friend. He patrolled the maze, cursin' obstacles out of your way, stunnin' Fleur Delacour….
HARRY:
MOODY
HARRY:
MOODY (slapping his forehead)
HARRY: (laughing)
MOODY:
The door is blasted open by DUMBLEDORE, who quickly fells MOODY
DUMBLEDORE
MCGONAGALL
SNAPE
MOODY transforms back to CROUCH JR - he is then given Veritaserum, much to the consternation of WINKY
WINKY [Speaking,]
Exit CROUCH, under guard. Enter, moments later, MINISTER FUDGE
FUDGE: [Singing]
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE
FUDGE:
DUMBLEDORE
FUDGE:
DUMBLEDORE
FUDGE:
FUDGE tosses the 1000 Galleon prize money in HARRY's lap and exits. Segue to the Great Hall, for the Leaving Feast, with all Hogwarts in attendance
DUMBLEDORE
ALL (except Slytherins):
SIRIUS & BUCKBEAK stand with their heads bowed in Cedric's honor. After the crowd has filed out, SIRIUS begins speaking
SIRIUS: So that about wraps up Year Four at Hogwarts. Karkaroff fled in terror from Voldemort, just as Bagman fled in terror from Goblins. Hagrid and Maxime are going off on a mission to win over the giants to our side. Dumbledore re-assembles the Order of the Phoenix, gives Snivellus some top-secret highly dangerous mission of some sort, and I make the mistake of offering my late mother's home to the Order, little knowing that I'm going to get stuck there for the rest of my life.
BUCKBEAK: Hey, you're not the only one. As I recall, I get locked up in your mother's room for 800 pages plus. Boy, you better hope I'm housebroken.
SIRIUS: Fudge leaves Hogwarts determined to exercise greater control over the school, Viktor and Fleur as well as the students of Hogwarts depart for another summer at home, and finally, Harry has a problem - how to dispose of one thousand unwanted Galleons?
Brand-New Beginning (GoF, Chap. 37)
To the tune of Beautiful Morning (reprise)
THE SCENE: Platform 9.75. HARRY, GEORGE & FRED emerge from the Hogwarts Express. The platform is otherwise deserted.
HARRY (to the twins):
I want new jokes and pranks for the fifth book
ALL THREE:
GEORGE & FRED:
ALL THREE:
Several seconds of silence. The Three look around in some confusion
GEORGE (spoken): Is this it?
HARRY: At the end of a musical, isn't there usually something more - uh - ceremonial?
FRED: Yeah, like a curtain falling, applause, bouquets of roses for the stars…
Enter SIRIUS and BUCKBEAK, for the first time as visible characters rather than as unseen narrators. SIRIUS hands out sheet music to the three
SIRIUS: Yes, you're absolutely right, lads, but that wasn't the true finale. We decided that something more grandiose was in order, so we've shamelessly ripped off an idea used by Veresna Ussep in her CoS musical …..
SIRIUS turns back to the reader
I guess I was initially bitter over getting killed and everything, but I suddenly realized - even though I've been murdered, I can't die! So what if I got blasted through the veil....
SIRIUS pulls out the Page-Turner that HERMIONE had used earlier
All you need to bring me back is one of these! So I'll live forever! All of us will! And it's all thanks to her......
FRED (concerned): Sirius, who are you talking to?
SIRIUS: Not important, lad. OK, let's all take it from the top….
J!K. Rowling
To the title tune of Oklahoma! - reprise
The entire cast of GoF swarms out of the Hogwarts Express, right down to the Skrewts, dragons, Sphinx and merpeople. Setting aside their differences for a moment, Slytherins join hands with Gryffindors, the Dursleys embrace the Malfoys, Death Eaters unite with the Order of the Phoenix all to pay tribute to Joanne Kathleen Rowling
SNAPE & NEVILLE (music):
HERMIONE & PROF. BINNS:
FILCH & PEEVES:
IRISH & BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM & ALL ATTENDEES OF THE QWC:
VOLDEMORT & ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
DEATH EATERS & HOGWARTS STUDENTS
ALL:
We know we are Pantheon-bound
Tumultuous applause. Bouquets of roses presented to all the stars, all of whom make repeated bows.
With everyone's attention distracted, BUCKBEAK helps SIRIUS smuggle the BLONDE into 12 Grimmauld Place.
Curtain falls
Out of the flame and into my hand
Three names will fly
For each school a champion it picks in the games will vie
We'll have three games spaced throughout the year
Of magic prowess
If you're underage
My Line you can't break through
But if you're the proper age
Enter your name, please do, oh!
They're gonna try, they're gonna try, easily,
Weasley twins,
Super psy ops, put single drop aging
Potion in!
Old Dumbledore, he just can not tell you what to do
Your names in, but sever your debut, two beards grew
Oh... Ooh ooh oh!
Out of the flame tonight we will meet
Our three champions
Who'll compete for their school's glory
And a grand in galleons.
So the first name is - yes! - Viktor Krum
Of dark old Durmstrang
Next Fleur Delacour
Then, Ced of Hufflepuff
So cheer for your champ to score…
Oh, see, it sparks more stuff…..
Harry Potter......
FLEUR: Deceived!
KARKAROF: Bamboozled!
SNAPE (imploring the silent heavens): Curses!
So, what's on our minds?
Why do we pace
Around and around
With our wands
All misaligned
And our chins scrapin' our gowns?
Several days ago we took a trip overseas
Boarding our ship 'cross the ocean mild
Ev'ryone laughin', ev'ryone smiled:
For the Tri-Wiz Match!
Our three schools together to contend
Just strutting my stuff, seeing old - uh - friends
Hey, I'm a happy Wiz
Cheerin' for our champion Viktor Krum
But there's this name, a certain Harry Potter
And then: the odds against us change to three to one
It's enough to make a Potions Prof resign
One more Potter, like his father, crossing lines
It's a scandal! He's underage!
But Dumble's going to let him still play!
Although you want him off the TriWiz game
There's this binding magic contract
From our Goblet of Flame.
It's a scandal! He's underage!
At the apple, Hogwarts will bite twice
Dumbly's age restriction line did not serve to repel
That horrid little Potter boy who's slick as hell
It's a scandal! He's underage!
Don't let little boys compete!
We must revive the old traditions
And plan unceasingly to cheat!
It's scandal! Daddy's image!
Just a day in the life of that berk
Ego trip for that drip breaking every rule
Who for just a thousand galleons is selling out our school
It's a scandal! I take umbrage!
Harry Potter could not this deed do.
The goal that they are working on is getting Potter killed
It's a scandal! So wear our badge!
Ced competes 'gainst the Slavs and the French
It's time we took some retribution
Against Harry and his foul stench
"Potter Stinks" badges, yeah!
C'mon, yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! (etc.)
Retribution!
Retribution!
We've gotta make a resolution
That Potter will be in disgrace!
Once more Potter's way off track
Look there he is!
We've got the answer
Just go away and don't come back!
It ain't so much a question of not having any skill
Your flying's real strong for your broom team
It's just like addin' two 'n' two together, if you will,
You need a charm that plays to your best theme.
If you must face a dragon, you retrieve!
I don't know how to Accio
I'm in a bind, that's for sure
When it comes time to make things go
Objects I cannot transfer
It's a spell that moves things from Point A to B
But when I try to levitate
I find my wand a-wavin' pointlessly
This is a spell I do not know
Here is a knack that I lack
When dragons make their attack
Broomsticks I cannot attract
Through Accio.
I can teach to you how you make stuff to travel
Once our judges bang the gavel
I can teach to you
S'possin' that we find
A classroom to practice
Till ya learn it exact, is
What we're gonna do.
Now you summon like me
It's a-somethin' to see, it's great!
I'm a-teachin' you what's a better way -
Jus' relocate!
Hermy has learned me Accio
She has got me in the groove
For this first task, I sure hope though
That my broom won't be unmoved
Victor Krum, Cedric and Delacour
Are scheduled now to go ahead of me
And I'd rather dine with Voldemort
Than meet that lizard here from Hungary
Here before every eye….
I made my Firebolt fly
Through Accio!
Why do I care that elfish welfare should be advanced?
Why do I fight so all of their rights can be enhanced?
Here's what we'll do to organize SPEW for lobbyin'
Soon we'll have won the liberation of Dobby's kin…
Don't keep their clothes away
Don't work them on holidays
People should free all their elves.
You must wear this new badge.
You two bearing this SPEW badge
People will know we love elves!
We can do it all ourselves.
Self-rule our directing brings!
People should free all their elves.
I was set free though I'd rather be in my old place
I must oppose the giving of clothes to the elf race
Independence just doesn't make sense to a born serf
You would be kind your own beeswax mind when on our turf.
Don't give those jeans to me
Don't keep on demeaning me
People should not free their elves.
Don't try to elf-coddle
Dobby's not our role-model
People should not free their elves.
Don't abuse secrecy
Keep butterbeer on shelves
Don't be so gosh-damned PC
People should free all their elves.
People should not free their elves.
The faculty said, "Students, here's the deal-ah,
We'll have ourselfs a dance this winter term."
So even though I couldn't take no Veela
I knew that I could always count on Herm.
Even if she is a Know-It-All
An' she ain't so bad, compared to Eloise.
What she tol' me sounded worse'n Draco's drawl.
I guess I'm gonna hafta take some troll!
She claims that she will be goin' with some other guy,
So all my plans are in the toilet bowl.
She prattles on 'bout magic lesson goals.
I can turn to Parvati Patil
And with her twin sister go
I'll try to fix these girl robes up
So they'll look apropos
And give my sympathy to friends
Who cannot take out Cho
We'll keep our magnetism in control
Yes sir!
We'll keep our magnetism in control!
Who's she?
Whut nerve!
Woof Woof!
Whut this?
I'm astound!
She's made herself as purty as can be!
She set her fangs a-shrinkin', her hair's all shiny too
And not one book does that bookworm carry!
And giving info to the enemy.
She may think that she's a genius,
But she'll learn that's she's a heel,
'Cause Viktor Krum's jus' usin' her
To egg secrets reveal…
Well, here is your solution then, I think it is ideal
Next time ask me to go initially!
Yes sir!
Next time ask her to go initially!
Next time ask her to go initially!
Next time ask her to go initially!
Well, that just completely misses the - uh, point….
You'll need to be a whole lot more ambitious
If you're to win the second task, you know.
I just found out I have to swim with fishes
And learn somehow to breathe in H2O.
To take the egg and stick it in a bath.
I thought for sure that this was jus' some fool-all
But he set me upon the ko-rect path.
List!
You better learn to do things underwater, Potter
Something in which you have the greatest stake we'll take
Unless you win it back with magic power - an hour
Is all the time that you'll have to partake….
The library once more, for goodness sake.
Well, you see….
I read through ev'ry book and scroll
And runes with all their hexagons
I looked at jinxes, I tried all these spells
An' even Vander Ark's Lexicon!
I think that I could read here til
I'm ready to get my pension
'Cuz as far as magic scuba gear,
They isn't no such invention!
Poor guy, he can't find nuthin'.
He jus' cain't find nuthin' he needs
Though it ain't playin' fair
Though it ain't by the book
Moody told me of Gillyweed!
Socks the shade of the deepest blue
Wake him up right now, and let him know!
I must give him this Weed, known as Gilly
To rehabilitate his bro.
They got my Wheezy?
Gilly's how you'll let him go!
It cain't be an error
Hmm Hmm!
Or a debacle-ey
Or my poor Wheezy pal is through!
Webbed hands and toes
Free and light the water it flows
The rules is that you only rescue one.
No, I must save the other three!
He's got his wand out!
No, I must save the other three!
Fer me it's all or no one.
Ev'ryone I've got to unbind!
To the table I bring my saving-people thing
I pledge to leave no child behind.
Set 'em free, don't let no one drown,
Head for air with the girl and Wheezy
So even though you were showing thickness,
You've won another victory!
What moral fiber!
He's won another victory!
Come on and kiss me!
Why should you students living free as a song
Worry 'bout the wizards who could lead you astray?
Their hexin an' their cursin' are so very strong
Relax your guard, they'll force you to obey.
Always gonna say that the way I act is the only way that makes sense!
I'll use my Sensors and Sneakoscopes there
My Foe-Glass I'll keep in good repair
I'll fill my flask
And I'll stay aware
Through my constant vigilance!
Many a DE will use these spells,
Many a hex that has been banned
Many a curse to hurt, kill, impel
Getting them sent to Azkaban
Many a DE I've/he's sent to that place, too!
Many a time now I think back to
Penetrating the Pensieve.
Many a memory I reviewed,
Courtroom sagas relived.
Never did Barty use process due,
Functioning as MOM's stern plaintiff
Many a DE he decked, let me tell you!
Many a DE would crucify
Many a cruel curse they're casting
Nevertheless, I am the guy
Sent here by central casting
Did he tick off his contacts
Such as Rookwood and Dolohov
Though no mention of Blacks.
Even if Albus just wants to scoff
I am hot on their tracks
Many a Dark Mark I'll dim
Many an Auror avenge
Before I'm through!
Many a DE he shall convict
Many an evil destroyer
Never will he ease his rule so strict:
No one will get a lawyer!
Never did I think my son would be
Traitorously against us
Somebody who would heinously
Make Frank lose his senses.
Never in this courtroom have we seen
So deserving a life sentence
Many a DE I'll dock
Many a Crouch son will set
Many a Junior confine
Before we're through!
A knife rends
A life ends
There's ol' Wormtail a-fiddlin' an.........
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet is your friend
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet is your friend.
I would gladly slice your throat,
In exchange for a juicy quote,
But that's no reason why we cain't be friends.
Harry Potter tales give folks a thrill.
Harry Potter, what's your latest capers?
Tell it all to the Quick-Quotes Quill
Harry Potter yarns help sell newspapers
Harry Potter tales enthrall us still
Harry Potter, you're the cutest scraper,
Tell it all to the Quick-Quotes Quill
I'd like to say a word 'bout Ms. Skeeter.
You said it!
She wrote this piece but made a lot of stuff up
That's right!
She left out the names of the other champions,
And made me sound like I am real puffed up.
Want a hanky, Potter, in case you start crying in Transfiguration?
Since when have you been one of the top students?
Shut up! (Oops, sorry, Cho!)
(music) That Rita ain't no honest commentator
She's telling folks I cry myself to sleep
She's making people think that Herm's my honey
Her Daily Prophet's givin' me the creeps
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet wants ya framed
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet wants ya framed
I will rip that savage brute,
Who likes to breed illicit skrewts,
Against that giant half-breed I'll take aim
Harry Potter yarns help sell The Prophet
Harry Potter tales help pay our bills
Harry Potter helps us turn a profit
When he speaks to your Quick-Quotes Quill
I'd to say a word to ya, Hagrid--
You would?
The Skrewts you raise are fascinatin' critters
My readership so vast
Will think that Skrewts are such a blast
We're sure the aftermath will be quite bitter!
So Skeeter did her expose on Hagrid
And she done landed him in some hot water
He is brutal and he's weird
An' he's got poor Draco skeered
But he's such terrific chums with Harry Potter
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet should be 'shamed
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet should be 'shamed
You just like to libel folk
Who've done nothin' to provoke
And that's the reason why I'm so inflamed
Sit down, you silly little girl, and don't talk about things you don't understand. This here's a pub! Alright, everybody, sing it!
Dum-dah-dee-um-dum-dum!
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet must be stopped,
Oh, Ms. Skeeter of The Prophet must be stopped,
She went after Hermy next,
With slanders worse than a Hurling Hex,
And then upon her all that mail dropped
That Potter boy's becomin' unstable
'Cause in his upper belfry, he is sure bent
He screams about his curse scar all a-flamin'
And then runs off to jabber with the serpents
I've figured out how Rita gets her info
And how she does the mischief she does
She turns into a beetle and goes around unseen
So it's time for me to end Ms. Skeeter's buzz!
She turns into a beetle and goes around unseen
So it's time for me/her to end Ms. Skeeter's buzz!
Animagic folks, stay true and pure
If Animagic folks cannot be good, though,
Animagic folks should register
Harry Potter yarns she'll not be spinning
Harry Potter's beans she cannot spill
This is now the end of Rita's sinning
And of her famous Quick-Quotes Quill!
A knife rends
A life ends
There's ol' Wormtail a-fiddlin' an' a-brewin'
And I'm caught in this snare
All alone and solitaire,
This nightmare by a lonely tomb.
As I got past the Skrewt and the Sphinx
Then a spider ten feet high starts attackin' me and Ced
And I fall through some unlucky jinx.
And Cedric could have been the winner
But he said that he owed it to me
I say, let's call it smarter just to join hands
And we both reached for the trophy.
In a place we don't know
Our wands we raise to keep out harm.
But a cold evil voice
Hurls a curse at us -
Ced fell like rain in a storm!
A life ends
And Wormtail is a-sobbin' through the fumes.
From the cauldron see him rise -
Now the Dark Lord has revived!
I await a lonely doom...
I ain't gonna leave here alive!
Voldy decides
I should be untied
With him!
He couldn't pick a better time to be reborn
Just what good wizard folk fear and hate.
Right now, little Potter's looking quite forlorn
Soon be livin' in a lifeless state
Lifeless state, let's reiterate!
Here then is your endin' for Goblet of Fire
Harry Potter joins the Invisible Choir
Powers crushin' Harry as the June days fell
Many a jinx and many a spell
Many a hex and many a curse
Only a one that is the most worse……
A!Kedavra, when the green comes blazing from our wands
When the stench of death fills every breath
With aroma of which we're so fond.
A!Kedavra, your effects are easy to predict
First the vital signs are all flat-lined
And the famous bucket then gets kicked
You know we belong to that crew
We're the crew proud to serve You-Know-Who
Yeow! Avada-yadda-yay!
We're only sayin'
Potter must die, A!Kedavra
A!Kedavra, A.K.
A!Kedavra, all of those who my Death Eaters hate
Meet a single blast and breathe their last
And they're carted off to Peter's gate
A!Kedavra, in a duel there is no substitute
With a flick and swish, I'll get my wish
And the Potter lad I'll execute
You saw Cedric hit by my/his hex
And the ex-Boy Who Lived, you are next!
Yeow! Avada-yadda-yay!
We're only sayin'
Potter must die, A!Kedavra
A!Kedavra, A.K.
Davra, davra, davra, davra, davra, davra, davra, davra, davra…..
Riori, riori, riori, riori, riori, riori, riori, riori, riori, riori, riori……
A!Priori, here are facts from which you may deduct
First the wands connect and then eject
Ghosts who'll tell Voldy he's out of luck
A!Priori, we are back thanks to these magic vibes
Your victim list we all insist
Shall not have the name "Harry" inscribed
And that boy you shall never destroy
On count of three
Yeow! We want you, kid, to flee!
We're only sayin'
Freedom for you, Harry Potter's, a
Portkey away!
VOLDEMORT: - Nay! -
HARRY: - Reach -
VOLDEMORT: - No Damn Way! -
HARRY: Oh, Accio!
Pore Ced is daid,
Pore Cedric is daid.
After we had just achieved joint victory
'Twas a lad beyond compare
But said Voldy, "Kill the spare"
And he kilt him jus' as kilt as kilt could be
Pore Ced is daid,
Pore Cedric is daid.
How awful that his youthful life is spent
Life is spent!
For a Tri-Wiz win he tied
But like that he up and died
We reckon it's a tragic accident...
You can say that again!
…as she passed. He put the Imperius Curse on Krum, so that he would finish Diggory and let you nab the cup.
I jus' knew you were gonna catch that varmint, Professor! Quick, let's find Dumbledore and tell him to arrest that guy.
You numbskull! It was me! I'm the no-good Death Eatin' skunk!
Thanks, Professor, after a day like this I really needed a good laugh. Now, quick, let's go find us Dumbledore.
Not only is decent folk easy to manipulate, they is mighty slow on the uptake. Look, here, Potter, I'm a-aimin' to kill ya…..
[Singing]
But you folks ain't really knowed me
Knowed that 'neath that shiny eye what always whirls
I'm a-Eatin' Death to serve Lord Voldemort
But now you're on the floor-
That is not Professor M…..
It's that Polyjuice again….
Winky loves her Crouch family
And Mister Crouch Senior,
She loved him even though he thought she was less than the vermin
And not even equal to a rat, 'cause he was right!
And she loves little Master Barty, even if he wants to destroy
everything and everybody for the sake of Voldemort...You should never let on,
You is getting us all in trouble...
Pore Crouch is kissed,
Pore Junior is kissed,
By all accounts it ain't much of a loss
Of a loss!
The boy's out of control so he hadta lose his soul
He'll now just sit around and gather moss
Ol' Fudge is mad, his judgment is so bad
He's denyin' that the Dark Lord has returned
Turned--
And though Snape showed his Mark, Fudge remains yet in the dark
And seems to be completely unconcerned
Earned!
Pore Ced is daid, through dark days up ahead
May his mem'ry remain beyond reproach
If Voldy's to be defied
Then we must be unified
(to HARRY)
And by next year you'll see thestrals pull the coach
Pore Ced... Pore Ced!
Oh, it's a brand-new beginning
It's the dawn of a new day
I've won a thousand galleons
I'm going to give them away
I want new jokes and pranks for the fifth book
I'm facing Dolores and Voldemort's crew
So I'll be in need of a good gag or two
Oh, it's a brand-new beginning
The onset of many a Wheeze
Students will be so delighted
Hermy will be none too pleased
There's Extendible Ears in the fifth book
There'll be Portable Swamps in the fifth book
A Skiving Snackbox that will help make you sick
And we'll make our grand exit 'midst pyrotechnics
You'll find it all in our fifth book
Full of both sorrow and cheer.
Readers, there's only one problem
You'll have to wait for three years
You'll have to wait for three years!
Gonna bottle fame up, glory be a-brewin'
Pages by the hundreds oft to be reviewin'
Architect of Hogwarts who gives us employ
Author of the game that brings such joy
Plen'y of turns and plen'y of twists!
Plen'y of shocks and plen'y of ships!
J!K. Rowling, as your quill comes sweepin' down the page
In your epic quest that meets each test
Of a work that will transcend the age!
J!K. Rowling, we live due to your creative spark
Ranging from the heights of sheer delight
To the bleakest depths of evil's dark.
And for centuries we'll be renowned!
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
We're only sayin'
You're doin' fine, J!K. Rowling
J!K. Rowling, One, Two,
Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven!
J!K. Rowling!
Yeeow!
Harry Potter the
Musical(s)