Tournament of Horrors

A filk-musical by Gail based on The Little Shop of Horrors

"Feed Me, Wormtail......"

A ravenous Voldemort (or should that be Voldemordrey 2?) from the filkstravaganza Tournament of Horrors

Image © 2004 Red Scharlach

Tournament of Horrors Copyright 2003 by Gail

Goblet of Fire

To the tune Skidrow / Downtown

Cue music for "Goblet of Fire"

KATIE (standing up):
Argus brings up the casket
And he sets it down
Dumbledore reaches inside
We can not hide our excitement when

ANGELINA (spoken): Sing it, chil' !

The Headmaster says...

DUMBLEDORE: This is the....

ANGELINA, KATIE, ALICIA:
Goblet
For the Tri-Wiz Game
If the Goblet
Chooses your good name
Then the Goblet
Will give you the fame you desire
Goblet of Fire (Goblet of Fire)

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, that's right...

ANGELINA, KATIE, ALICIA: Goblet

MADAME MAXIME: A competition

ANGELINA, KATIE, ALICIA: Goblet

KARKAROFF: Where the best school wins

ANGELINA, KATIE, ALICIA: Goblet

FUDGE AND BAGMAN: We just hope nothin' goes haywire

COMPANY: Goblet of Fire

ANGELINA, KATIE, ALICIA:
Three schools, Hogwarts, Durmstrang and Beauxbaton
The Goblet picks for them a Champion
They tell us that there have been casualties before
So to play you must be seventeen or more

The Goblet's surrounded by an Age Line
The twins they tried to cross it but were both declined
The two of them were thrown back and had grown long beards
As everyone watched on and jeered

DUMBLEDORE: They tried because

(COMPANY) FRED & GEORGE:
(Goblet) When the tasks are done
(Goblet) A thousand Galleons
(Goblet) Will go to the one whose Score's higher
(Goblet of Fire)
(Goblet of Fire) Goblet of Fire
(Goblet of Fire) Goblet of Fire
Goblet of Fire

COMPANY: Goblet of Fire!

MOODY!BARTY:
You're thinking I'm a friend of D'dore
I'm actually an impostor
Faithful servant of the Dark Lord
In Auror's attire
I'll secretly enter Potters name into the
Goblet of Fire
Pretending I'm Mad-Eye Moody I'll hide
And I'll guide Potter though
Make sure he wins so You-Know-Who
Can return!

COMPANY:
So now the Goblet
I'll easily fool, in the Goblet
I'll place a fourth school
This here Goblet
Is the perfect tool we require
Goblet of Fire

Then the Dark Lord will strike just the way he planned
And begin the Fourth Reich with him at command
We are so much alike, it will be so grand
I will be there to fight at his right hand

(MOODY!BARTY) DUMBLEDORE/SNAPE/MCGONAGALL (COMPANY):
(Goblet)
We're reading the signs
(Wow, it sure would be great if my name's chosen)
(Goblet) And things don't look fine
(I would sure celebrate if my name's chosen)

(Goblet) Different crimes we see have transpired
(Won't be long of a wait 'till they are chosen)
(Very soon the Goblet will select them)
We know that
(Goblet) Jorkin's disappeared
(Wonder who it will be that has been chosen?)

(Goblet) Bryce is dead, we hear
(Move in close, wanna see as they are chosen)
(Goblet) The situation's pretty dire
(Looks like it is ready, the names are chosen)

(It's beginning to glow - it's the Goblet of - )
(Goblet) (Getting ready to show, this here Goblet of - )
(Goblet) (In a moment we'll know, from the Goblet of - )
(Goblet) (Which three names will be thrown from the Goblet of - )

ALL: Fire!

Black out except for a single spot light focused on the Goblet of Fire, which is glowing magically. Curtain falls.

Da-doo

To the tune of Da-doo

Act I, scene II. In front of the curtain, the Gryffindor Common Room.

Enter the Gryffindors, stage right, headed by FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY. They are cheering with excitement. Enter HARRY, stage right. He is grabbed as the Gryffindors scream, applaud and whistle even louder

FRED: You should have told us you'd entered!

HARRY: But...

GEORGE: How did you do it without getting a beard? Brilliant!

HARRY: I didn't. I don't know how -

ANGELINA: Oh, if it couldn't be me, at least it's a Gryffindor!

KATIE: You'll be able to pay back Diggory for that last Quidditch match, Harry!

COLIN: We've got food, Harry, come and have some!

GINNY: Tell us again what happened, Harry! Tell us again!

HARRY: Well....

Cue music for "Da-Doo"

HARRY (lines are spoken) (ANGELINA, KATIE, ALICIA):

(Da-doo!)

Everybody in the Great Hall was waiting in anticipation

(Shoop da-doo)

When the Goblet chose the champion for Durmstrang...

(Krum, da-doo)

The Beauxbaton champion was that silver-haired girl Ron liked...

(Fleur, da-doo)

And for Hogwarts, the Goblet choose Cedric Diggory

(Da da da da da da-doo)

Everybody was cheering the three Champions

(Yeah! da-doo)

And we all thought, you know, that it was all over

(It was through)

When suddenly And without warning, we saw a fourth name come out of the cup!

It got very quiet, and Dumbledore just stood there looking at the name on the card for a long while.

(Da-doo)

And when he finally spoke he said the name of the person on the card

(It was you)

But you know, I was totally surprised!

(That's untrue)

Now, I swear that I didn't put my name in, But they told me I had to play anyway 'Cause those are the rules of the game

(Sha la la, la la la, la la la loooo!)

FRED: Yeah, right. We know you did it.

HARRY: No, really. I didn't.

Everybody starts to leave

HARRY: Ron! Ron, you believe me, don't cha?

RON: It's OK, you know, you can tell me the truth. If you don't want everybody else to know, fine, but I don't know why you're bothering to lie, you didn't get into trouble for it, did you?

HARRY: It's not a lie! I didn't put my name in the Goblet!

RON: Yeah, okay. Only you said this morning you'd have done it last night, and not one would have seen you...I'm not stupid, you know.

HARRY: You're doing a really good impression of it.

RON: Yeah? You want to go to bed, Harry. I expect you'll need to be up early tomorrow for a photocall or something.

Exit RON. Black out

Journalist!

To the tune of Dentist!

SKEETER (ALICIA, KATIE, ANGELINA) :
When I was younger and still attending school
There were certain things that I liked to do
Always on the trail for hearing gossip
I'd tattle tale on what they let slip
And people liked to hear me talk when I did
So then I decided

(What you decide?)

I thought, "You know, I think I will
Try to fulfill my desires by using my quill."

I'm a journalist!

(She's a journalist)

I have a talent for stretching the truth

(Truth)

I'm a journalist

(She's a journalist)

I'm writing slander without any proof

(How uncouth!)

Who'd want a job at the Ministry?
And teaching at Hogwarts? No way!
I know how to enlist
The tricks of my trade

ALICIA:
There she is, girls, the leader of the hacks

KATIE:
Watch her suck on that quill! Oh, my stars!

ANGELINA:
She's a writer and she'll never ever be any good

ALL THREE:
Miss Rita Skeeter has taken this too far
This is false!
That's a lie!

SKEETER:
Aw, who cares? Tell me more, don't be shy!

I'm a journalist

(Gulpin' gargoyles!)

And it's the dirt which makes news papers sell
I'm a journalist

(Causing turmoil!)

Which is something which I do oh so well!
When I air out your dirty laundry

(She'll do it)

I'll give a new meaning to paparazzi

(Journalist!)

And yes, I know what my critics all say

(They say)

Although, I'm told that I write only of shit
I know, I know that my readers all love it
'Cause I'm a journalist
With great exposes

Skeeter takes her quill and approaches Alicia, Katie and Angelina

Tell me!

(No!)

Tell ME!

(NOOOOO!)

to audience

Damn it!

Harry Stoled The Show

To the tune of Ya Never Know

In front of the curtain stand Ron, Hermione, Angelina, Katie and Alicia who watch the sky, listening and reacting to the voice over of Bagman giving a running commentary of the First Task. The sound of a roaring dragon and the gasps/cheers of the crowd can also be heard

Bagman (Voice Over): He's using diversionary tactics on the Horntail now. Ooooo...close one there...the tail almost got him. Watch out for those jaws! Look at that! Will you look at that! Our youngest champion is quickest to get his Egg! Well, this is going to shorten the odds on Mr. Potter.

RON (Singing):
I can't believe it, Harry's tied in first place
Lickety-split, right in the dragon's face
Snatched up the Egg from the nest, Harry must feel thrilled

He called his Firebolt by using Accio
It was a great jolt, just watching the whole show
I didn't know that my best friend Harry was so skilled
But what makes it so frightening is that he could've been killed

Whoever put Harry's name
In the Goblet that night He's the one who's to blame
Who that nasty git is I can not imagine
But I reckon he's trying to do Harry in!

Enter HARRY and BAGMAN

HARRY (speaking): How'd I do?

ALICIA: You was great, flying up there Harry!

KATIE : You flew even better than Vicktor Krum!

ANGELINA: You're now tied in first place, Harry!

Who'd a believed it?

Singing

Harry needed his broom
To get past the Horntail - we assumed
He would become impaled - he was doomed
It was a hopeless scenario
A dragon! But Presto!
Harry stolde the show with Accio

ALICIA and KATIE join in

It was a great surprise
When his broom appeared then
Mesmerized, everybody cheered when
He grabbed the prize - even former Quidditch star Ludo Bagman said:

BAGMAN:
Watch him go!

ANGELINA, KATIE & ALICIA:
Harry stoled the show with Accio

KATIE (speaking): Hang on Harry, Katie's gonna croon for ya

singing

Before, students were swearing
"Potter Stinks" badges they were wearing
'Cause they said Diggory should be the only one
Now the First Task is finished
Their hate for Harry has diminished
'Cause they see that Harry's also a Champion

ANGELINA, KATIE & ALICIA:
"Was easy!" Harry claims
Dodging the dragon's dangerous flames

HARRY:
I just flew like I was in a game
Swerving back and forth and to and fro

ANGELINA, KATIE & ALICIA:
Fantastic!
Harry stolde the show with Accio

Thanks to Hermione
Who helped him with the charm
Harry he escaped bodily harm
Was funny, you should have seen the face on Draco
With a wave of his wand
Cast the spell - swish and flick
Hear us yell, "Terrific!"
Hocus pocus, Harry focused:
His broom came to him like an arrow
And now he's a hero
Harry stolde the show with Accio!

During the audience applause, ANGELINA, KATIE, ALICIA, RON & HERMIONE stand around HARRY and congratulate him. Enter from stage right several Goblins who pantomime a heated conversation with BAGMAN who tries to remain calm. The Goblins exit. BAGMAN looks nervous and listens in on the students talking.

RON: What is this Egg, Harry?

HARRY: It's supposed to give us a clue for the Second Task.

HERMIONE: Well, you should work on finding that clue as soon as possible!

RON: Get off it, Hermione, Harry has plenty of time.

ANGELINA: Besides, we have a celebration waiting for Harry up in the Gryffindor Common Room. Everybody is waiting for us...let's go!

All the students start to exit, stage left.

BAGMAN: Harry!

All students except for Harry exit

HARRY: Sir?

BAGMAN: (Putting on the smarm): Harry!

Cue music for I'll Give You Help

How would you like to have some help?
How would you like for me to tell you what is next?
(He has to win Tasks Two and Three
Because I lost a gambl'ng spree
Now the Goblins want their money)
Say yes

HARRY: Who me?

BAGMAN: Harry, I want to see you win
I want to see you holding up the Winner's Cup

HARRY: But what about Ced, Krum and Fluer?
Perhaps your motives aren't that pure
I'm not too sure I want your help

BAGMAN: Don't be demure, just take my help
If you want help, just ask
You'll get past the Second Task
Then in glory you will bask, Harry

This way you'll win with ease
Accept, don't reject me please
For Hogwart's you'll seize the victory

Now don't you worry, I'm a Judge
If you take my offer
Then I will gladly show
And when I do, you'll have a leg
Up on what is inside that Egg
So let me assist

HARRY: I don't know...

BAGMAN: Bagman will give this clue
Because I really like you
And all you have to do is just yelp
I swear that my motives
Are nothing but positive

HARRY: I'm indecisive

BAGMAN: Don't be unsportive

HARRY: (Boy, he's assertive!)

BAGMAN (HARRY): I'll (He'll) give you (me) help!

Bagman tangos off stage right

Potter/Git Him! (GoF, Chap. 1)

Cue music for Trouble Seems

HARRY:
Trouble seems to pursue me
Everything happens to me
I don't know why, but it always ends up that way

They call me a Champion
I just wish I could be done
Then my life would return to normal
But until then, I'm told I must play

(spoken as lights dim, spotlight on HARRY): That First Task was really dangerous. Maybe Moody is right...maybe somebody is out to get me. I keep remembering that dream I had...back at the Dursleys...

Curtain rises to reveal the room at the Riddle Manor. BABY!MORT (played by a puppet, of course) is sitting on a high backed chair and WORMTAIL is standing close by

...it seemed so real. A small man called Peter, nicknamed Wormtail...and a cold, high voice...the voice of Lord Voldemort...there were talking about someone they had killed...and they were plotting to kill someone else...me. I remember Wormtail said:

WORMTAIL: Your Lordship is still determined, then?

VOLDEMORT: Certainly I am determined, Wormtail.

WORMTAIL (spoken in a rush): It could be done without Harry Potter, my Lord.

VOLDEMORT: Without Harry Potter? I see..

WORMTAIL: My Lord, I do not say this out of concern out of the boy! The boy means nothing to me, nothing at all! It is merely that if were were to use another witch or wizard - any wizard - the thing could be done so much more quickly!

VOLDEMORT: I need blood!

WORMTAIL: But, my Lord...

VOLDEMORT: Must be his!

WORMTAIL: I don't think it's a good idea...

Cue music for Potter / Git Him

VOLDEMORT: Potter!

WORMTAIL (spoken) Does it have to be Harry?

VOLDEMORT: Potter!

WORMTAIL (spoken) It could be anyone!

VOLDEMORT: Potter!

WORMTAIL: (spoken) How are we supposed to get him?

VOLDEMORT: Potter, Wormtail, he's the one I need
That's right, Pete! Gotta git him!
Potter, Wormtail
Want to see him bleed (Bwha, ha, ha, ha!)
'Cause with Potter's blood, Wormtail
All of my plans will succeed

WORMTAIL: (spoken): If you allowed me to leave you for a short while I could be back here in as little as two days with a suitable person -

VOLDEMORT: (spoken) Hmmm....could this suggestion of abandoning the plan be nothing more than an attempt to desert me?

WORMTAIL: (spoken) No! My devotion to your Lordship!

VOLDEMORT: (spoken) Your devotion is nothing more than cowardice! Silence! I have my reasons for using the boy, Wormtail, and I will use no other.

(singing): Thirteen years I've waited for this
Powers gone and bodiless
Only one thing has given me solace
That I'll git him (mmmmm!)

Add father's bone to the potion
Then flesh offered in devotion
His blood will set things in motion
We have to git him!

Defeated by mother's love
This is what I learned
Curse deflected by him, but
Somehow I survived
Though I was barely alive
But pretty soon they'll know that I've
Returned!

Come on, Wormtail, don't be a schlemiel
Everything is perfect and the timing's ideal
Better find some courage or my wrath you will feel
We will git him!

WORMTAIL (VOLDEMORT, spoken): But Dark Lord ( C'mon, Pete!)
Oh, Dark Lord (Lighten up!)
I'll be forward (Tell it to the Aurors)
And tell you that the prospect's slim (Cut the crap and bring me the boy!)
There are hordes (My, my, my)
Of wizards (Uh-huh?)
Who protect him

VOLDEMORT: (spoken) Bwha ha ha ha...let me 'splain...mmmmm...?

(singing): All we need is just one more curse
Potter will be riding in the back of a hearse
With my faithful servant let your worries disburse
We will git him

WORMTAIL: Aren't I faithful servant too?
I brought Bertha Jorkins to you
It's just that I have a little issue...

VOLDEMORT: We will git him!

Enter Nagini

If you really have the itch
If you want to prove where you now stand
I'll let you do something which
Many would love to give me their right hand

(Spoken): Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute...(listens to Nagini) Nagini has interesting news, Wormtail. According to her, there is an old Muggle standing right outside this room listening to every word we say.

Wormtail, with a mixture of fear and alarm goes to the door and opens it, revealing Frank Bryce behind it. Wormtail grabs him and drags him into the room

VOLDEMORT: You heard everything, Muggle?

FRANK BRYCE: I know I've heard enough to interest the police tonight, I have. You've done murder and you're planning more! And I'll tell you this, too...my wife knows I'm up here, and if don't come back -

VOLDEMORT: You have no wife. Nobody knows where you are. You told nobody you were coming. Do not lie to Lord Voldemort, Muggle, for he knows...he always knows...

FRANK BRYCE: Is that right? Lord is it? Well, I don't think much of your manners, "my Lord". Turn around and face me like a man, why don't you?

VOLDEMORT: But I am not a man, Muggle. I am much, much more than a man. However...why not? I will face you...Wormtail, come turn my chair around (Wormtail whimpers) You heard me, Wormtail!

Wormtail takes the chair and turns it around and Frank Bryce lets out a scream. Voldemort lifts up his wand and with a flash of green light Frank Bryce falls to the floor dead. Wormtail looks horrified and realizes that he should no longer argue with the Dark Lord

VOLDEMORT (WORMTAIL): (singing) Now you ( I ) know who's in control
You ( I ) better do what I have (he has) said
Will will accomplish our goal:
Harry Potter is as good as dead
Harry Potter is as good as dead
Harry Potter is as good as dead

WORMTAIL: We'll mix up a magical brew

VOLDEMORT: Put me in it an' then I'll have a body that's new

WORMTAIL: You need blood and only Potter's will do

VOLDEMORT: I need blood and only Potter's will do

VOLDEMORT (WORMTAIL): I ( You ) need blood and only Potter's will do

VOLDEMORT: So let's git him!

There's Going To Be A Yule Ball (GoF, Chap. 22)

To the tune of We're Closed For Renovations

Scene: In front of the Gryffindor Common Room scrim

Cue music for There's Going To Be A Yule Ball. Enter PROF. McGONAGALL, stage right.

McGONAGALL:
There's going to a be a Yule Ball
So you may let your hair down
And exchange your school clothing
For dress robes and for ball gowns
You're representing Hogwarts so you better be polite
'Cause there's going to be a Yule Ball - tonight!

McGONAGALL exits stage right as the GRYFFINDOR ENSEMBLE enters

HARRY:
There's going to be a Yule Ball
With Beauxbaton and Durmstrang
Ron wanted to take Fleur out
And I had hoped for Cho Chang
Instead we're with the Patils which I guess will be all right
To dance with at the Yule Ball - tonight

RON (speaking): Who are you going to the ball with, Hermione?

HERMIONE (speaking): I'm not telling you, you'll just make fun of me (Hermione exits stage left)

RON (speaking): Who could it be? Argh! I want to know!

GRYFFINDOR ENSEMBLE:
e've seen the decorations
And they are all mind boggl'ing
With fairy lights a-glittering
And bushes there for snogging
The Weird Sisters will be there who we think are outta sight!

DEAN: The party will begin at eight!

LAVENDER: In the Great Hall we'll congregate

SEAN: With dinner that will be first-rate

RON (to Ginny): Tell me who's Hermione's date!

GINNY: I won't say, you will have to wait.

ALL: We're really gonna celebrate!

There's going to be a Yule Ball -

MCGONAGALL re-enters, stage right, wearing dress robes of red tartan and a wreath of thistles around the brim of her hat. The scrim rises to reveal the Great Hall, decorated for the Yule, with Christmas trees, garlands & etc. The remainder of the HOGWARTS ENSEMBLE are already there and they all join in on the last word of the song

- Tonight!

Gillyweed (GoF, Chap. 26)

To the tune of Grow For Me

Scene: As the lights come up on the stage, several people are already there: Krum is standing next to Hermione, Cedric is beside Cho, Fleur is looking worried and all of them are soaking wet. Madame Pomfrey is fussing over Hermione. Everybody looks to stage left as Harry enters with Ron and Gabrielle. Fleur runs over to Gabrielle

FLEUR: Gabrielle! Gabrielle! Is she alive? Is she 'urt?

HARRY (exhausted): She's fine

RON (to Percy who has just run to his side): Geroff, Percy, I'm all right.

FLEUR: (to Gabrielle): It was the Grindylows...zey attacked me...oh, Gabrielle, I thought...I thought...

HERMIONE: Harry, well done! You did it, you found out how to breathe under the water all by yourself.

KRUM: You haff a water-beetle in your hair, Herm-own-ninny.

The crowd starts to thin, leaving Harry, Ron, Hermione, Krum and Madame Pomfrey alone, center stage. Madame Pomfrey, during the song, starts to fuss over Harry's wounds.

Cue intro music for "Gillyweed"

HARRY (speaking): You know, we spent all that time researching in the library together for some sort of spell to use for this second task. We looked and looked without any luck. I really didn't think I was going to make it, but it was Dobby who pulled through at the last moment.

RON (speaking): What happened?

HARRY (singing):
I learned from the Egg's song
That someone would take
Something from me and hide
It under the lake
I'd have to retrieve it
But how would I breathe?
Oh, we'd
Have to read

We looked through all the books
For some sort of spell
We couldn't find nuthin'
I kept thinkin', "Hell"
Then Dobby appeared and
In my hour of need
Brought me
Gillyweed

That's how I went under the water
Where I found you tied
I thought if the others didn't come
You'd be left to die
The leader of the Mer-people has spoken
To D'dore
Now all of the judges are talking amongst themselves
Soon they'll announce what's the score

BAGMAN (speaking off stage): Mr. Harry Potter used Gillyweed to great effect. He returned last, and well outside the time limit of an hour. However, the Mer-chieftainess informs us that Mr. Potter was first to reach the hostages, and the delay in his return was due to his determination to return all the hostages to safety, not merely his own. Most of the judges feel that shows moral fibre and merits full marks. However...Mr. Potter's score is forty-five points!

RON (speaking): Hey! What do you know about that, Harry! You're now tied for first place with Cedric!

singing

You were not being thick
Like I thought you were
The judges decided
It was moral fibre

HARRY (singing):
If you should ask of me
"How did you succeed?"
Dobby
Gave me

(Spoken, as Madame Pomfrey touches up one of his wounds) Ouch!
Gillyweed.

Ignoring Igor (GoF, Chap. 27)

To the tune of Suddenly Seymour

This is my all-time favorite musical. These are my two all-time favorite HP characters. It can't get much better than this.

SNAPE:
Karkaroff comes
With something to discuss
He's making me feel
Like I'm being stalked
Behaving strange
He's making a fuss
It's not a big deal
But he wants to talk

Ignoring Igor
Is what I am doing
I try to avoid him
But he's always there
Ignoring Igor
But he keeps pursuing
With great persistence
Igor is scared

KARKAROFF:
I have good reason
For the way I act
I'm a stool pigeon
You were a spy
Now it sure looks like
The Dark Lord's coming back
I'm very concerned
I can't deny

Ignoring Igor
You're trying to pretend
That this isn't hap'ening
We haven't a prayer
Ignoring Igor
I can not comprehend
All your resistance

SNAPE:
Igor is scared

KARKAROFF lifts the sleeve of his robes and points at the Dark Mark on his arm

KARKAROFF:
Look at the Dark Mark, it's getting clearer
You must have noticed, what do you say?

SNAPE (snarling, looking around nervously):
It's not that urgent so
We can talk later
People are watching
Now put it away!

KARKAROFF (SNAPE):
Ignoring Igor (Ignoring Igor)
Now don't you slip off (Leave me, Karkaroff)
Ignoring Igor (Ignoring Igor)
It's a nightmare! (They will stare!)

BOTH:
I don't know why you're
Acting in this way
By (I'm) keeping your (my) distance
By (I'm) keeping your (my) distance
By (I'm) keeping your (my) distance
Igor is scared

Master Needs Me (GoF, Chap. 28)

To the tune of Somewhere That's Green

Scene: The kitchen at Hogwarts. Enter HERMIONE stage right, surrounded by the House-Elves and DOBBY.

HERMIONE (spoken): This is wonderful, Dobby, that you are working here at Hogwarts!

DOBBY: Yes, M' am...Dobby gets paying for his work!

The other House-Elves look at DOBBY strangely

HERMIONE: Well, with my organization, S.P.E.W., one day all House-Elves will be freed!

The other House-Elves become very disturbed at HERMIONE'S words

DOBBY: And you know who else is here? Winky!

HERMIONE: Winky? Oh! Where is she?

Enter WINKY, stage left, staggering, with a bottle of butterbeer in hand. She flops down on the stage and begins to sob. HERMIONE and DOBBY come over to her as the other House-Elves keep a discreet distance

Cue music for "Master Needs Me"

HERMIONE:
I see that you're in distress
Because you have been given this dress
With a little Elf blouse
And a matching blue hat
Still, you should feel elated
Sigh no more, now you're liberated
You're working at Hogwarts
A better place than were you were at

DOBBY (spoken): It's no use, M' am. Winky has been like this ever since Barty Crouch dismissed her.

HERMIONE (spoken): But Mr. Crouch was horrible to her!

DOBBY with a shrug: Winky is having trouble adjusting. Winky forgets she is not bound to Mr. Crouch anymore; she is allowed to speak her mind now, but she won't do it. Mr. Crouch isn't her master but Winky is still attached. She cries about it all the time. She sits there...with her butterbeer...and cries all day long...for Mr. Crouch.

HERMIONE, DOBBY and the other House-Elves slowly exit stage right, shaking their heads sadly, leaving WINKY alone. Spot light on WINKY as she starts to sing

WINKY:
Just like my ancestors
I served the whole Crouch clan
I took care of the Master's son
Who came from Azkaban
With my special Elf-magic

Barty was kept with Winky
So he could not get past her -
Master needs me

Was kept invisible
Under Imperius
No one knew that he was there
But someone from the office -
Bertha Jorkins discovered him
Master charmed her mem'ry
To avoid a disaster -
Master needs me

The World Cup competition
Master almost was exposed
Barty nearly escaped me
That's when Master gave Winky her clothes

I'm still faithful to him
Winky will not forget
I won't let them insult him
And I'll keep all his secrets
I'm prop'ly ashamed and disgraced that I have been set free

What can I do?
I'll remain true
Master needs me

Spot light dims as WINKY continues to weep

The Third Task

To the tune of It's Just The Gas

SCENE: Enter HARRY stage left. He sees the Tri-Wizard Cup, center stage.

HARRY:
There! It's the Cup!
I can see it sitting there from where I've just entered
Placed high on a dais in the maze's center
The Tri-Wizard Goblet and with it the end of this game
There! It's the Cup!
Just a hundred yards away and everything's over
I'll reach out and grab it and how I have won they'll loudly proclaim
Now - I will run! Now - I'll be quick!
But now who's this? It's Cedric!

CEDRIC enters stage left and both make towards the Goblet. However, a giant Spider leaps and moves to attack CEDRIC who does not notice it. HARRY shouts at CEDRIC to watch out and casts a Stupefy spell upon it. The spider turns and attacks HARRY, biting him on the leg. Both HARRY and CEDRIC cast Stupefy simultaneously upon the Spider which finally drops to the ground.

CEDRIC:
Though we were in competition
'Gainst each other for the prize
In this Third Task, you helped me out
Just like the time when you told me
What the First Task was about
You may think I'm being stupid -
I'm not blind, I saw you did
That's the second time you've saved
My neck in here - Go and take the Cup, I will not interfere

HARRY:
What we have here is an ethical dilemma
True, I'd love to be the winner
But I can't now, Diggory
If we take it, both you and I
Then it means there will be a tie
And for Hogwarts it still means a victory

CEDRIC:
The one who reaches the Cup first gets
The points, that should be you
In this Third Task, you deserve it
Even if it means the glory
For my House will be forfeit
But you say that it is better
That we take the Cup together
Why, the thought of this idea, it makes me grin
Are you sure you want to do this?
Let's go and approach the dais
Are we ready now? For Hogwarts let us -

HARRY and CEDRIC touch the Tri-Wizard Cup together and the stage lights flash as the set is quickly changed from the Maze to the Grave Yard. When the lights finish flashing, HARRY and CEDRIC look around confused

HARRY: Win?

Time To Duel

To the tune of Suppertime

The Scene: The Graveyard. LORD VOLDEMORT, having just been restored to power, looms over Harry, who is tied to a gravestone. Wormtail, with his new silver hand, stands nearby

Cue music for "Time To Duel"

VOLDEMORT:
Thirteen long years ago
By you I was stripped of
My body and my pow'rs
Thwarted by mother's love
Your mother was a fool
'Cause now it's time to duel

Your parents died in vain
They only bought you time
No one's here to save you
You've just been lucky so I'm
Going to prove now who'll
Win when it's time to duel

Stand up, stand up
Let there be no more doubting!
Stand up, stand up
I'm the strongest one here!
Stand up, stand up
You will be given your chance!
Stand up, stand up
Your end has now drawn nigh
By my hands, tonight you will die

VOLDEMORT motions to Wormtail who then unties Harry and gives him back his wand. From out of the shadows, the CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS emerges, forming a semi-circle around VOLDEMORT and Harry

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS (VOLDEMORT speaking):
Stand up, stand up
(The niceties must be observed)
Stand up, stand up
(I said, bow!)
Stand up, stand up
(Now face me like a man...the way your father died)
It's time to duel
Ahhhhhhhh
Time to duel
Time to duel

Hermione's Revenge

To the tune of "The Meek Shall Inherit

Scene: In front of the Gryffindor Common Room scrim, Harry is reading reading a copy of The Daily Prophet. Hermione is nearby. ALICIA, KATIE AND ANGELINA are off to one side. Ron enters stage right.

Cue music for "Hermione's Revenge"

RON: (Spoken): Hermione! Remember how you got mad at that Skeeter cow at the Three Broomsticks a while ago? Well, you should see what she wrote about you!

(Singing): Hey Harry Potter, you read this?
The Daily Prophet, you're on the front page
I knew that Skeeter would be pissed
After Hermione vented her rage
"Harry Potter's Secret Heartache
By a Miss Granger, who is Muggle born
Playing with two people's affections
Potter and Krum, both of them should be warned!"

ALICIA, KATIE AND ANGELINA:
They really hate Rita Skeeter
For the stories she creates
She may not be a Death Eater
But she sure shares the same traits
The Trio want to defeat her
Finding how she infiltrates
Hermione is gonna get
Miss Rita Skeeter, just you wait

HARRY (spoken): You haven't read her most recent fabrication, Ron...

(Singing): This has become ridiculous
Here is today's news, look at the headline
Says here, "Disturbed and Dangerous"
My brain is addled by that scar of mine
"Scar hurt so bad, left his lesson
Makes him unstable," is what Skeeter wrote
Says that I may just want attention
And I speak Parseltounge - a Malfoy quote

HERMIONE:
Skeeter is writing all of this scandal
Tried to ignore it but I
Cannot anymore
She is behaving
Just like a vandal
Assassinating our character - this means war!
How can they print this?
I don't believe it
They're not reporting truth
It's tabloid, that is why
People who read and
Those with naive wit
Accept all of her nasty, awful ,evil, lies

How? How? She's not allowed into the school
How? How? Wasn't there but somehow she knew
How? How? It's our reputation that's being attacked
Before that she wrote and Hagrid almost got sacked
Somebody must stop her, she's a maniac
Somehow I must get Skeeter back!

HERMIONE looks out the window

Just see, there's Malfoy, I bet that boy
Is in on the ploy with his wicked Slyth'rin band
Looks like he's whisp'ring, looks like he's talking
To something which he is holding tight in his hand

(ALICIA, KATIE, ANGELINA):
They really hate Rita Skeeter

RON: What could it be?

(For the stories she creates)

HARRY: A bug, maybe?

When HERMIONE hears this, her eyes open wide as she is thinking of something. She thoughtfully brushes her hand over her hair and then pretends to be speaking to something she is holding in her hand

(She may not be a Death Eater)

HARRY: Or walkie-talkie?

(But she sure shares the same traits)

RON (Watching Hermione's odd behavior): Hermione?

(The Trio wants to defeat her)

HERMIONE: That's how she spies!

(Finding how she infiltrates)

HERMIONE: Animagi!

HERMIONE runs off to the library, exiting stage right.

(Hermione is gonna get Miss Rita Skeeter)

RON and HARRY join in

Hermione is gonna get Miss Rita Skeeter
Hermione is gonna get Miss Rita Skeeter
Just you wait

What Happened Next?, Time To Die, Epilogue and Don't Tell Harry

To the tune of Sominex, Suppertime Reprise, Finale and Don't Feed The Plants

SCENE: HARRY has just been Portkeyed back to the outside of the maze with Cedric's body.

MOODY (taking HARRY'S arm to lead him away to his office): It's alright, son, I've got you. Come on...hospital wing.

HARRY: Dumbledore said stay.

MOODY: You need to lie down, come on now. What happened, Harry?

HARRY (singing):
Was a Portkey
I saw Lord Voldemort
We were taken to a graveyard and then
With Dark Magic, he killed Cedric
There were D.E.s -
Moody! A Death Eater is here!
We must go and
Tell Dumbledore
He would want to hear

MOODY:I know where the D.E. is

HARRY (Harry's lines are spoken): You do?

MOODY: And I know just where is he

HARRY: Have you got him locked up?

MOODY: He's standing awfully close

HARRY: Karkaroff?

MOODY: No, it ain't Igor...it's me

HARRY: Wh-what?

MOODY: I'm Barty Crouch's son
The Dark Lord's faithful one
The Dark Lord will be pleased

HARRY: I don't believe it!

MOODY: When from me he has learned

HARRY: You didn't...you couldn't!

MOODY: That I've killed you for him

HARRY: You put my name in the Cup?

MOODY: And now he has returned

HARRY: You gave me all the clues?

MOODY: With me right by his side

HARRY: You're mad! You're mad!

MOODY: So now it's time to die

MOODY draws his wand to kill Harry but a blinding flash of red light explodes on stage as the door crashes open. MOODY is thrown backwards and is rendered unconscious. In the doorway stand Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall. McGonagall goes directly to Harry. Dumbledore and Snape approach Barty!Moody and Dumbledore kicks his body onto his back. Dumbledore then turns to the audience.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken): Subsequent to the events which you have just witnessed Barty Crouch was kissed, his soul sucked by a Dementor. On the order of the Minister of Magic. So then now he cannot give his testimony

SNAPE, MCGONAGALL, HARRY:
Subsequent to the events which you have just witnessed
Dumbledore told Fudge about Voldemort's return
But he refused to accept the evidence
So we expect resistance from Fudge

DUMBLEDORE joins in

Thus there was a parting of the ways
But we knew that we couldn't delay
Because Voldemort's power would grow, and grow - and grow
So then there was much work to be done
We had to tell everyone
Like Lupin, Mrs. Figg
Mundungus Fletcher, the Old Crowd
Yeah, the Order!

Enter the Order of the Phoenix Ensemble

SIRIUS: Hidden at Number 12 Grimmauld Place

KINGSLEY: We'll discuss the Wizarding World's fate

SNAPE: But whatever plans that we make

DUMBLEDORE: Don't tell Harry

LUPIN: At the Department of Mysteries

TONKS: We'll take turns guarding the prophecy

MUNDUNGUS: Though we'll do whatever it takes

MOLLY WEASLEY: Don't tell Harry

OOP ENSEMBLE: Look out! Here comes Voldemort!

Enter VOLDEMORT and the DEATH EATER ENSEMBLE

Look out!

VOLDEMORT: My power's restored!

LUCIUS: Now he will conquer

AVERY: He'll rule like before

WORMTAIL: We'll give you what-for

OOP ENSEMBLE:
We cannot let Lord Voldemort rule
We will all do what we have to do
We'll fight him, even if it's scary
But for Harry's happiness sake
Though it may be a big mistake
These are the words that D'dore spake
"Don't tell Harry"

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE:
See ya in Book Five!

COMPANY:
Don't tell Harry!

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