Copyright 2004 by Caius Marcius
NOTE: There are two recordings of Sondheim's first great musical: the 1962 original Broadway cast with Zero Mostel, and the 1996 revival with Nathan Lane. The latter recording incoroprates some narrative in Comedy Tonight and Funeral Sequence which I've used in this parody. The 1996 recording also uses a song omitted from the 1962 original, The House of Marcus Lycus. However, my filk of this song (as the The Class of Gildy Lockhart) is based on an earlier, more hyperverbal version of Marcus Lycus dropped during early 1962 rehearsals. Another song dropped from the 1962 premiere was the original opening song Love is in the Air (which I've filked as Could He Be the Heir?). The show's creators came to realize that this "pretty, delicate" song failed to adequately prepare the audience for the all-out slapstick assault of Forum, and so Sondheim came up with Comedy Tonight as a more suitably rowdy intro. You can hear Love is in the Air and the original version of Marcus Lycus on the 3-CD set A Collector's Sondheim.
To the tune of Comedy Tonight
THE SCENE: Before Hogwarts Castle. Enter, with a trumpet fanfare, DOBBY
DOBBY (spoken): Readers, I bid you welcome. The Potterverse is a literary realm that unites the genres of fantasy and mystery. Tonight, in this retelling of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, we are pleased to emphasize the mystery. We shall employ every device we know in our desire to - uh - mystify you.
(music) Something that's hidden
Something forbidden,
Something from Salazar
In secrecy tonight!
Something ancient-er
Something ain't gentler
Something that's so bizarre
In secrecy tonight!
Pixies who screech,
Dwarves who will sing
Murderous voices
In the plumbing
Stone transformations
Snake conversations
And a heroic little sprite.
Mystery and shadow,
Secrecy tonight!
Thousand-year old nook,
Fifty-year old book,
The Dark Lord's evil star
Ascendency's tonight!
Lessons in dueling
Harry carpooling
Our hero with the scar
Fights secrecy tonight!
Dumbledore's pluck,
Tom Riddle's plaque,
Warlocks who change
Their wives into yaks!
Several members of the cast enter
Evil creation's
Regeneration
Hellish spawn born of death and night
Mystery and shadow,
ALL:
Secrecy tonight!
RON:
Something that's risky
And basilisky,
HERMIONE:
Some thing hates everyone -
In secrecy tonight!
Something of Lockhart
FRED:
Something of Dark Arts
LUCIUS (wielding The Hand of Glory):
Hands in the cookie jar
DRACO:
Through secrecy tonight!
LOCKHART:
Nothing amiss
Nothing I lack
Let me hold sway in robes of lilac
DOBBY:
First HP sequel
GEORGE:
Cast without equal
RON:
May Salazar's schemes come to light
ALL (except MALFOYS):
Open up the Chamber -
Let us end its blight!
DOBBY (spoken): It all takes place at the Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, around and about these three houses. First, the house of Gryffindor, where our intrepid hero and his stalwart allies work to unravel a mystery of seemingly impenetrable complexity.
Second, the house of Slytherin, those deceitful folks who use any means to gain their ends. Do they hold the key to the mysterious Heir of Slytherin and the sinister creature stalking Hogwarts? (naah, but it makes for one hell of a red herring).
And finally, the mythical Chamber of Secrets, in which the true Heir Of Slytherin resides. To determine the hidden agenda of this hidden heir, our hero must enter the deepest labyrinth of terror, armed only with his wand and his indomitable fortitude.
Indirectly affiliated with the house of Slytherin, is Dobby, the Malfoy's house-elf, who is probably the pivotal character in Book Two. Violating every oppressive law governing his people, he risks his very life to aid that hero to the elfish race, Harry Potter, providing him with invaluable assistance every step of the way. A role offering both great pathos and rich comedy, played by an elf of such . . . well, let me put it this way . . . Will Farrell & Orlando Bloom, eat your hearts out…..
(music) Ev'rything you ask for -
Secrecy Tonight!
(spoken) And now - the Start-of-Term feast!
DOBBY pulls aside a curtain to reveal Dumbledore marching to the front of the Great Hall to announce the beginning of the Year's feast, with the entire cast of CoS in attendance…
DUMBLEDORE & CHORUS:
(music) Repasts delicious,
Monster malicious
Something from Salazar -
Secrecy tonight!
Ghosts who can party
Ghosts in the potty
DUMBLEDORE:
A villain disembodied -
ALL:
Secrecy tonight!
RON:
Nothing of Grims
NEVILLE:
No dreams of doors
HERMIONE:
No dragons scheduled until Book Four.
BINNS:
Baseless conjectures
LAVENDER & PARVATI:
Deadly dull lectures
HAGRID & ARAGOG:
Hundreds of spiders taking flight!
GINNY:
Warnings stern and cryptic
PERCY:
Threats apocalyptic
FRED & GEORGE:
Heir of Slytherin loose!
HERMIONE:
Stirring up Polyjuice
LEE JORDAN:
Quidditch fouls!
DOBBY:
A Hopkirk owl
FUDGE:
Stupidity!
SNAPE:
Acidity!
SPROUT:
Mandrakes!
LOCKHART:
Fakes!
RON & DRACO:
Slugs!
ARAGOG:
Bugs!
ALL:
Terrors!
Errors!
Horrors!
Norris!
A Sorting Hat,
Gryffindor's Sword,
And a sock brings freedom's reward!
Broomsticks and blood sports
Year Two at Hogwarts
Minglings of malice and delight!
Azkaban tomorrow……
DOBBY:
Secrecy!
RON:
Secrecy!
ALL:
Secrecy Tonight!
DOBBY (spoken):
One - Two - Three!
Segue to Privet Drive
Harry Potter Better Shut His Trap (CoS, Chap. 1-2)
To the tune of Everybody Ought to Have a Maid
THE SCENE: 4 Privet Drive. THE DURSLEYS make their dinner plans to entertain the Masons, plans which do not include HARRY
VERNON (spoken):
I think we should run through the schedule one more time. We should all be in position at eight o'clock. Petunia, you will be -?
PETUNIA: In the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home.
VERNON: Good, good. And Dudley?
DUDLEY: I'll be waiting to open the door. "May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"
PETUNIA (rapturously): They'll love him!
VERNON: Excellent, Dudley. (turning to Harry) And you?
HARRY: I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I'm not there…..
VERNON: Exactly….
(music)
PETUNIA:
VERNON:
Harry Potter better shut his trap
PETUNIA:
VERNON:
THE DURSLEYS:
PETUNIA:
VERNON:
PETUNIA:
Hiding himself in his room
THE DURSLEYS:
VERNON:
PETUNIA:
VERNON:
Hammering no loud habits
VERNON & PETUNIA:
Disconsolate and depressed, HARRY retreats to his room only to be met by DOBBY
HARRY: An elf?
DOBBY: An elf.
HARRY: An elf.
BOTH: An elf!
DOBBY:
Oh! oh!
Oh! oh!
As DOBBY bangs his head, HARRY sees all the letters that the elf purloined from him
HARRY:
DOBBY:
HARRY:
DOBBY:
HARRY:
DOBBY:
HARRY:
BOTH:
Exit DOBBY. Sounds of screams and people exiting off-stage. Enter VERNON & PETUNIA, deeply enraged, carrying a note from the Ministry of Magic
VERNON: An owl!
HARRY: An owl?
PETUNIA: An owl!
ALL THREE: An owl!
VERNON:
Oh! Oh!
PETUNIA:
VERNON:
THE DURSLEYS:
VERNON:
PETUNIA:
VERNON:
PETUNIA:
THE DURSLEYS:
Fly (CoS, Chap. 5)
To the tune of Free
THE SCENE: King's Cross. Inexplicably blocked from Station 9 and ¾, RON & HARRY hit upon another way to get to Hogwarts.
HARRY (spoken):
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON (music):
(spoken) Say it again….
HARRY:
RON:
(spoken) Once more!
HARRY:
RON:
We can take it to Hogwarts if we just climb aboard
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
RON & HARRY
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
Can you hear the motor sputter as it gives a whine?
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
RON & HARRY
RON:
HARRY
RON:
As the Anglia descends
HARRY
RON
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
BOTH:
The Whomping Willow pounds away at the Anglia, until it revives and makes its escape
Sounds I Hear (CoS, Chap 9)
To the tune of Love I Hear
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. HARRY tells RON & HERMIONE about the eldritch voices he has overheard
HARRY:
Sounds I hear
RON & HERMIONE:
HARRY:
Forgive me if I start ...
Improbable (CoS, Chap. 9)
To the tune of Impossible
THE SCENE: Another boring lecture from BINNS is interrupted by an unexpected flash of interest….(DOBBY, uncanonically, serves both as
Narrator, and second voice for BINNS' exposition)
HARRY:
RON:
DOBBY:
BINNS:
HARRY:
HERMIONE:
DOBBY:
HERMIONE:
BINNS (dismissively):
HERMIONE:
BINNS:
DOBBY (to BINNS):
Much to his suprise, BINNS gazes upon a sea of intent and fascinated faces
BINNS:
CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
BINNS:
ALL (except BINNS):
BINNS:
DOBBY:
BINNS:
DOBBY:
BINNS:
DOBBY:
DOBBY & BINNS:
BINNS:
DOBBY:
BINNS:
DOBBY:
BINNS:
BINNS & DOBBY:
CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
I'm Myrtle (CoS, Chap. 9)
To the tune of I'm Lovely (reprise)
THE SCENE: First Floor Girls' Room. The TRIO find a safe location to brew Polyjuice, but not without certain difficulties of its own
HERMIONE (spoken, to RON & HARRY):
RON:
HERMIONE:
MYRTLE (weeping loudly):
TRIO:
HERMIONE:
Our
(spoken) Now you just float there, close your eyes and think dead thoughts.
MYRTLE (music):
HARRY (spoken):
HERMIONE:
MYRTLE:
TRIO:
MYRTLE (wailing):
(music) I'm so Myrtle,
RON:
HERMIONE & MYRTLE:
RON & HARRY:
HERMIONE & MYRTLE:
The Class of Gildy Lockhart (CoS, Chap 6, 10 & 11)
To the tune of The House of Marcus Lycus
THE SCENE: The DADA Classroom. Enter GILDEROY LOCKHART, Professor of Defense Against Dark Arts
LOCKHART (spoken, accompanied by slow jazzy music): Me. Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award - but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!
(music) Pure-blooded, blonde-headed, brave-hearted, cool
(spoken) Now - be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm……
LOCKHART unveils a cage full of Pixies
(music) So scary, so screechy, so vicious, so loud
HARRY & RON:
LOCKHART:
LOCKHART opens the cage, then exits after failing to recapture them. The following verses are sung as the Pixies wreak havoc
NEVILLE (overlapping with below, from the chandelier):
HERMIONE (overlapping with Neville above):
HARRY & RON (overlapping with above):
Segue to opening of Chap. 10, as HARRY is compelled to re-enact the Wagga Wagga saga
LOCKHART (spoken): Nice loud howl, Harry - exactly - and then, if you'll believe it, I pounced - like this - slammed him to the floor - thus with one hand, I managed to hold him down - with my other, I put my wand to his throat -I then screwed up my remaining strength…….
(music) Subhuman, substantial subterfuge, such subversiveness
(spoken) Homework - compose a poem about my defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf! Signed copies of Magical Me to the author of the best one!…..but wait…… Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start a dueling club, to train you all in case you ever need to defend yourselves as I myself have done on countless occasions - for full details, see my published works.
Segue to the first dueling club meeting, with LOCKHART, SNAPE & CHORUS OF STUDENTS in attendance
(music) In combat, uncommon valor displayed
HARRY, RON & HERMIONE:
LOCKHART (simultaneous with below):
SNAPE (simultaneous with above):
CHORUS OF STUDENTS (joining in):
LOCKHART:
SNAPE:
LOCKHART:
SNAPE:
ALL:
LOCKHART (spoken) And need I add, as all of us who are of the house of Lockhart, I am well versed in the defensive arts, proficient at wandwork, and surprised at nothing……
The Unsurprised LOCKHART is blasted into the wall by SNAPE
That'll Show Him (CoS, Chap. 10)
To the tune of the same name
THE SCENE: Pomfrey's infirmary. As HARRY waits for his arm bones to regrow, DOBBY explains his "tough love" strategy.
DOBBY (spoken): Harry Potter must go home! Dobby thought his Bludger would be enough to make-
HARRY (interrupting): Your Bludger? What d'you mean, your Bludger? You made that Bludger try and kill me?
DOBBY: Not kill you, sir, never kill you! - Dobby wants to save Harry Potter's life! Better sent home, grievously injured, than remain here sir! Dobby only wanted Harry Potter hurt enough to be sent home!
HARRY: Oh, is that all? I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you wanted me sent home in pieces?
DOBBY: Ah, Harry Potter has provided Dobby with a cue……
(music)
When I bash you,
When it's over
Could He Be The Heir? (CoS, Chap. 11)
To the tune of Love Is In The Air (originally the opening song, replaced with Comedy Tonight)
THE SCENE: After the attack on Justin, Hufflepuffs are more convinced than ever that Harry is the infamous Heir of Slytherin
HANNAH & ERNIE:
With constrictors he cuts capers
Potter we should not
Potter's part and parcel
FRED & GEORGE
I'm Goyle (CoS, Chap. 12)
To the tune of I'm Lovely
THE SCENE: The first floor Girls' restroom on Gryffindor. HARRY, having taken the Polyjuice, steps out of the toilet stall to gaze in a mirror reflecting back the visage of GREGORY GOYLE. A moment later, RON steps out transmogrified into VINCENT CRABBE
HARRY (in the shape of GOYLE):
Oh,
But it's creepy
RON (as CRABBE, spoken):
HARRY (spoken):
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
HARRY:
RON:
(music) You're Goyle.
But I've no cause to gab
BOTH:
This Tattered Old Book (CoS, Chap. 13)
To the tune of that That Dirty Old Man
THE SCENE: HARRY'S bedroom at Gryffindor, as he dialogues with the diary of TOM RIDDLE.
RIDDLE:
I'll show you,
HARRY:
HARRY sees the young HAGRID, defending his Aragog from RIDDLE's accusations
RIDDLE:
HAGRID:
TOM RIDDLE:
HAGRID:
RIDDLE:
HAGRID:
Aragog flees as RIDDLE raises his wand
HARRY:
You're Doomed (CoS, Chap. 14)
To the tune of I'm Calm
THE SCENE: Hagrid's cabin. Present are HAGRID, Fudge, Dumbledore and Harry & Ron under the Invisibility Cloak. Enter LUCIUS, with a signed petition
LUCIUS:
We're in accord
I have 12 signed governor sigs,
You're doomed, you're doomed,
HAGRID (spoken, as he departs from his cabin):
Exit all, except LUCIUS, who remains behind to gloat
LUCIUS:
I'm demon-themed
With my fell plot, Flourish & Blotts
(spoken) One to me, for I've set seething hate nigh…..
HAGRID (spoken, off-stage): Not Azkaban!
LUCIUS (music): …..laugh!!
LUCIUS erupts in demonic glee.
Mineral Sequence (CoS, Chap. 16)
To the tune of Funeral Sequence
THE SCENE: MADAM POMFREY'S infirmary. The six beings (four students, one ghost and one cat) who were turned to stone (stone=mineral, get it?) are present, attended by an anguished chorus of friends and loved ones. To one side, SPROUT fusses over her mandrakes as they approach maturation. Throughout, the CHORUS sings a dirge of wordless lamentation
POMFREY (spoken):
DOBBY (music):
FILCH:
RON & HARRY (looking at Hermione):
NEVILLE:
PERCY (looking at Penelope):
PEEVES (looking at Nearly-Headless Nick):
ERNIE & HANNAH (looking at Justin Finch-Fletchley):
FRED:
GEORGE:
DOBBY:
SPROUT:
Exit all, except POMFREY, SPROUT, RON & HARRY - and of course the statues
POMFREY (spoken, to RON & HARRY):
SPROUT:
HARRY (spoken):
POMFREY (spoken):
HARRY:
RON:
POMFREY:
RON:
HARRY:
POMFREY:
HARRY:
With POMFREY'S OK, HARRY & RON pry the page loose from Hermione's hand and read it together
HARRY & RON (music):
OK, I Lied (CoS, Chap. 16)
To the tune of Bring Me My Bride
THE SCENE: The DADA Professor's office. With a flourish of trumpets, LOCKHART is seen hurriedly packing. As he sings, he is accompanied by a CHORUS of LOCKHART IMAGES on the covers of his books
LOCKHART (spoken):
CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
LOCKHART:
CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
A loud knocking on the door
LOCKHART:
The door swings open, revealing HARRY and RON, who enter
CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES (confused):
LOCKHART:
HARRY (spoken):
LOCKHART tries unsuccessfully to barge out the door past Harry and Ron
LOCKHART:
CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
LOCKHART:
I lied! I lied!
HARRY & RON
LOCKHART:
I, Gilderoy J. Lockhart,
LOCKHART (simultaneous with below):
CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES (simultaneous with above):
LOCKHART:
HARRY & RON:
RON:
Segue to the underground corridor leading to the Chamber, as LOCKHART seizes RON'S wand
LOCKHART:
SEMI-CHORUS I OF LOCKHART IMAGES (off-stage):
SEMI-CHORUS II OF LOCKHART IMAGES (off-stage):
The wand explodes in LOCKHART'S hand, resulting in the erasure of his memory.
NOTE: The Latin pronunciation would be OH-bli-VI-ah-TE, but in order to make it rhyme, LOCKHART agreed to sing it with a silent English E.
Harry Potter better shut his trap
Harry Potter better shut his trap
Harry Potter better take a silent vow
Harry Potter will receive a violent pow
If uttering in our house.
Harry Potter better shut his trap
Harry Potter better plan to take his ease,
Whilst I tell jokes of Japanese,
Stay quieter than a mouse!
Oh! Oh,
Truly you shall be chastened
If you annoy the Masons
Too right you will
Oh! oh,
Soon we will be charading
Telling lies, selling drills
Harry Potter better shut his trap
Harry Potter better shut his trap
Harry better use of vocal chords suspend
He better prove he can pretend
He never lived in our house!
Sliding himself in shadows
Residing in the background
Delighting in obscure forms
Potter will make no sound 'round us!
Oh! Oh,
Soon we'll be in Majorca
Mingling with New Yorkas
In our chalet
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't it be majestic
Spanish nights, clannish days?
Harry Potter better shut his trap
Harry Potter better shut his trap
In this series, he may be eponymous
Tonight, he'll stay anonymous
Or he will hear us grouse
Clamoring no low comments
Grammaring no grimaces
Stammering no stray stories
Potter will make no sound
'Round us!
Harry Potter better heed this elf
Harry ought to know that he's in dire straits
That he will meet a die-er's fate
Unless he stays in this house.
Think of me, a poor house-elf
I to your aid unselfishly am devote
Dobby is so delinquent
Knocking head . . .
Blocking notes?
Harry Potter better heed this elf
Dauntingly detecting evil mischief this fall
You'd better plan a school withdrawal
I'll never stay in this house!
Scattering down the stairway,
Clattering to the kitchen,
Platter up to the ceiling
Shattering all the pudding,
Pudding is all around
The house.
The house.
The house.
The house!
Harry Potter just received an owl
With a memo saying he's expel-lible
For casting magic spells in full
View of us all in the house!
Thanks to this owl from Hopkirk
Now you will have to stop work
On magic shouts
Oh! Oh!
Aren't you now in detention,
Locking in . . .
Clocking out!
Harry Potter just received an owl
He's thinking that Muggles are so credulous
So won't he find it fabulous
His wand's forever doused?
Exported from the anteroom,
Deported from the living room,
Athwarted from the dining room,
Transported to his bedroom,
Potter'll never leave
Our house,
Our house,
Our house,
Our house!
Ron Weasley!
Yes, Harry?
Get me to school!
I have no plan….
You could fly
I could what?
Fly!
Fly!
Oh, what a plan!
Oh, what a plan!
Fly!
(music) Although we're blocked
We have a scheme
That we could try. . .
And yet I never thought that I . . .
Fly!
(music) But my folks will not need the auto . . .
A teen should have the right to use magic. . .
In an emergency which this is so clearly. . .
Shall we try it?
On my father's Ford
Fly!
For years they'll all discuss how
Through the sky we soared
Shall we fly it?
Let us fly it!
Toward this Ford I'll use my wand to open up the trunk
Toss in all our junk…
Fly!
Hear the engine spring to life with a resounding thunk
Can we fly it?
We can fly it!
Watch us fly in air with London spread out below
As we track the tracks by hook or crook
See the sky provide the greatest show
It bestows
Can you see the daring of this deed we undertook?
Can you see how Fred and George will give us jealous looks?
Can you see us on the cover of our British book?
Fly!
That's it!
Fly!
Yes!
Fly!
But it's too long. . .
I didn't plan . . .
The way it is,
We have no food,
Save for some toffee,
And we don't have a thing to drink
We're really hot and we're so thirsty
If on the train
With Bertie's would we dine
…
So if we drink a little late,
How does it feel?
Dry!
Can we make it?
Will the motor now…
….Fry?
From up above the clouds we start a slow decline
I deplore it!
I'll ignore it.
We can see the sun that's setting and we're in the dark
Looking for landmarks..
…Sigh!
Yikes,
Let's just keep our fingers crossed we find a place to park
Do we see it?
Yes, we see it!
Now the castle of Hogwarts comes into our sight
As the Anglia makes steam and smoke
Just a little ways, but oh, to end our long flight
We have just flown past the lake so we will not be soaked
But I see there is a chance that both of us may croak
For I think that I have overheard the engine choke.
Can you stop it?
Oh, just drop it.
The castle walls loom
But I'll try to steer though I can't see
Just a little ways and
Oh, we'll make a ka-boom
Will we perish in a crash like Mom allegedly?
Will they have to list us with traffic fatalities?
Will we be the victims of a Whomping road rage-y…..
….Tree!
Hit it!
Tree!
Curse it!
T - R - Double . . .
No, the wrong way . . .
T - R - E - E
Tree!
Now that we're alone,
May I tell you,
I've been hearing something strange?
Either something stole my cloak
Or else a fiend
That none of us can see.
I think I'm not insane,
I've not a damaged brain.
From everything I've heard,
It certainly is most hungry….
No one else perceives.
Oh, sounds I hear
Roars and shrieks.
Threats I hear
Make you ask
In tones too gentle
If I am growing mental-
Ly weak,
You fear.
Sounds you hear
They don't go away,
They just grind away,
In a quite psychotic tone.
We say that it's
Not a good sign
Voices to hear
None else divine
What sounds you hear,
They wail... Unclear ...
Unknown…
How do they go?
Ss-ss-ss-ss-ss-ss-ss...
(They hiss a lot, too.)
With hate it rails
For blood and gore
No way will I tell Dumbledore!
"Let's rip, let's tear…."
Was it the Heir?
I heard it say ...
"Beware…I'm mean ...
..Let me…kill you"
Give me will to
Ignore!
Forgive me if I wince ...
First heard it with Lockhart
And, well ...
I've heard it ever since….
Why does he bore us so all day?
What makes him teach this dreary way?
Gives them such exasperation….
In a big Warlock convention
1289, imputable
I am in snore-locked distention,
Onward he grinds, immutable
Sir, a question if you will
Binns looked shocked and then stood still
Can you Chamber info spill?
Just a legend
Please, don't legends have some grounds
In authentic fact - impeccable?
If you credit such canards
Then you don't know Jack - Implausible
But look here, a novelty
Class looks wired
Tell us please of secrecy
Very well then, let me see..
Plot
Got thickener!
One thousand years ago they say
(Though we don't know the exact day)
Hogwarts had its consecration…
Our four founders sought out students
To educate - that's factual
Salazar proclaimed that purebloods
Should segregate - that's actual
Salazar then left Hogwarts
Rumor then makes this report
Godric's goal he would abort
Through his Chamber
It is said that it was sealed
From light and air - Improbable
And that no one could unlock it
Save the true Heir - Immovable
Hidden horror he'd release
Into our school
Purge Hogwarts of unworthies
In a way to make blood freeze
The situation's strange!
Danger is in range!
From hideous
Insidious
Posthumous DEs!
Come in here! Come on in!
You didn't tell us we'd have to go to the girls' room
A dead girl's room. Moaning Myrtle haunts one of the toilets. I never go here if I can avoid it; it's awful trying to have a pee with her wailing at you.
I still can't believe I'm a ghost. Look at me. Just look at me.
We can't take our eyes off you…..
(music) You're Myrtle
Absolutely Myrtle
Who'd believe the martyrdom of you?
Reject
Olive Hornby caused it,
Now the water closet
You're doomed to
Privy's bleak and bare
Filch and all his maintenance staff
Refuse to make repairs
'Cause of Myrtle,
Miserable ol' Myrtle,
She's the world's most pity-potty dame!
I'm Myrtle,
Absolutely Myrtle,
Who'd believe the martyrdom of me?
Reject,
Olive Hornby caused it,
In the water closet
Hauntingly……
Ask her if she saw anything...
Did you see anything?
No - I was too busy trying to kill myself….then I remembered….
What?
I'm already dead!
Frighteningly Myrtle -
As this girls' room wins undying fame -
You're so Myrtle -
For the world's most pity-potty dame -
Fast-footed, hunk-featured, sharp-witted: drool!
Lilac is my very favorite hue
I warn evil ones to beware
But in secret dreams I want to brew
My own line of hair-care…….
So silly, so stupid, so shallow, so proud
Here's a horror that is all too grim
Cornish pixies in their rages
They may try to tear you limb from limb
When out of their cages
Fatheaded, blonde-brainéd, faint-hearted tricks
Lead-footed, disfeatured, dull-witted shtik
Looks at all the things he claims to do
Babbles on and on the whole day
Live creatures in class are now taboo
Lockhart sticks to role-play
There's a really knight-in-armor dude
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.
There is really gross ineptitude
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.
Ask poor old Longbottom, he'll agree
That the man is ultra-dense
In the class of Gildy Lockhart,
DA Defense
Subjected, subduing, subsiding, sweet submissiveness
Oh, the villagers were sorely vexed
By all of the Wagga Wolf fuss
Till I used a spell highly complex
The Charm called Homorphus
There's danger - my wand's out - the threat is stayed
When Expelliarmus is your spell
You're disabling and disarming
Snape is seemingly as mad as hell
With fury he's storming
Fast-footed…
There's danger ….
Brave-hearted …
In combat ….
Subduing ….
There's danger ….
My hexes…
Can handle
Dim Lockhart
I'll brain him
Just like that
Let Expelliarmus be your spell
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.
Even though Snape may be mad as hell
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.
With his turquoise teratology
And preponderant pretense….
Here's ability!
Here's stupidity!
One man's brilliancy!
To the wall with thee!
In the class of Gildy Lockhart,
DA Defense!
Let the Malfoys beat and abuse me,
I will still persist!
Then let Lucius harshly accuse me
I will not desist.
I will be the Dobby who'll save you
The house-elf named Dobby will save you,
When at long last Dobby has saved you,
He will be so pissed!
I'll be bashing him,
That'll make him so awfully mad -
That'll show him…
When I gash you,
I'll be gashing him,
So I'll gash you ten times as bad -
That'll show him, too!
They called me the dregs of the magic world
Now vict'ry's unfurled
If Malfoy's hit!
And you're in intensive care
With two broken knees
And with severe head injuries,
Then he'll see here
How much he needs to beware!
Could he be the Heir?
We whisper
Tension in the air
Grows crisper
Viper voices give us vapors
He is hissing us down
Be trustin'
He has formed this plot
'Gainst Justin.
Fletchley made mistakes repeatin'
His admission into Eton
Harry's hissing us down
As a young Dark Lord Parseltongue
Our law is now martial
With all the threats afoot
Mudbloods must all stay put.
Could he be the Heir?
You said it!
Hear us both declare
You'll dread it!
If he targets you for assault
You'll wake up as solid basalt
Quick now, out of his way
We'll hold him at bay
He is hissing us down
Hissing us down
Hissing us down
I'm Goyle,
All I am is Goyle,
Goyle is the thug I've turned into
Stupid
Entirely stupid
Hasn't-got-a-clue-kid
Through and through.
Don't I look a sight?
I have features that
Would fill a ghoul with fright
Creepy being Goyle,
Even though I've tripled his IQ.
Harry . .
Yes?
Try to think.
Just try to think?
Yes.
OK.
I just thought
You have no idea how weird it is to see Goyle thinking…
Absolutely Goyle.
Who'd believe that soiled mess is you?
Dumbkopf
Big and ugly dumbkopf
Mingling with scum of
The earth, too.
For I've features just as gross
When I bear the face of Crabbe
And we're hoping
Since we're Crabbe & Goyle,
To the dorm of Slytherin we'll go;
And we'll learn just how much Draco knows…..
For over fifty years,
I've been trapped on this page
Once hailed by all my peers
Because the terror I encaged!
My service to the school
Forgotten now by all
I think that you've a need to see
What happened on this hall
Ohhhh . . .
I'll show you,
Now hear me
This tattered old book can give to you
A Chamber of Secrets overview
Let's flip ahead to the month of June
It's now the 13th nearing High Noon…..
I trust him,
He'll guide me
Where am I?
This tattered old book
Now shows to me
Some previous Hogwarts history,
Tom Riddle is with some giant kid
Accusing him (oh no, it's Hagrid!)
Oh, Rub,
Old Rub,
I'll tell
My Aragog ain't no villain!
Confess,
Repress
Your pal!
Whatever you say, I know he isn't guilty
Your monster
Is killing
As if by assembly line.
I love him…
He ope'd it,
That creature-prone, crude, criminalous, crackpot, cranky, crazy,
Creepy old friend of mine!
You're doomed, you're doomed,
You're utterly doomed,
You cannot the "killins" subdue
'Cause I'm such a mean creep
I'll say that a clean sweep
Is due.
My governing board
Immediate action demands
Get Hagrid arrested,
That oaf I've detested
Is canned
Up is the jig
Hagrid to brig
I tell our grand old man
Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore
Scram
Soon to be entombed
Your school is now in my control,
Let no one confront me,
I'll say it
Quite bluntly.....
You're doomed,
Oh, so doomed,
Oh, so . . .
Not Azkaban!
I'm damned, I'm damned,
I'm utterly damned,
I'm Ever-So-Evil!indeed
The Gospel according
To Lucius is hoarding
And greed.
I'm Slytherin green
With pure blood as frozen as ice
In Mudblood tormenting
I'm further augmenting
My vice.
The Heir is not
Gonna get caught
Countdown now has begun
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2….One
Thing that's now clear
Good guys disappear,
No more to serve as Hogwarts staff
It's premature to,
But I plan for sure to…
Gather around, friends of hard rock…..
Shed the tear,
Sound alarms!
Feel the fear,
Watch for harm!
My cat is now concrete
Our ally is an alloy
And Colin's a completely
Stone boy
Like bronze
Or fumes..
Or gypsum,
Or sapphire. . .
Or Protactinium
His cat is now concrete
Their ally is an alloy
No more can we suspect young Malfoy
Lop the leaf,
Chant the charms,
Soon relief
From my farm!
Children, on behalf of the statue, I want to thank you for a lovely visit. I don't know about you, but I've suffered enough. If you will take your leave, I shall take the body along with its note back inside . . .
Sew the scarves,
Stitch the socks,
Trim and carve
Earmuffs block!
Whoa! A note? What kind of note?
A note, I quote..
Oh, a wrote note
It must be read!
Read? Sir!
We want that paper!
Madam Pomfrey, I implore you: It is not for us to let this paper remain. It's from the library, and the library is awaiting it. The library would not be happy if they had to send up an overdue notice.
I cannot afford to offend Madam Pince.
Who can?
This page has clues, we'll wage
'Twas won with no small risk
And here's the passage Herm would have us fisk:
"The King of Serpents, the basilisk!"
Stand aside, everyone! I have large trunks!
For, feit, for, feit
It's now time to flee, the game's forfeit
For, feit, for, feit
Left, Right? Left, Right?
Just tell them I've already left, right?
Right! Left! . . . Uh . . . Ri . . . Uh . . . Left!
Yikes!
Hail, Gilderoy J. Lockhart. Welcome to our cause, great Defense Professor. Victory awaits you.
(spoken) One side…..
(music) I lied! I lied!
My deeds ain't bona fide!
To Harry and to young Ron I must confide!
Ginny is trapped
My job title I've scrapped
There are books to author
Signings to sign
For fans who are enrapt!
Look at our fees!
Look at our sales!
Look at them!
All from telling my tales!
So I fudged some details….
OK, OK, I lied!
My teaching Dark Arts Defense is not applied!
I'm just a sham
It's time for me to scram
There are yarns to pilfer
Legends to swipe
And tours in which I ham!
Oh, what a dolt!
Oh, what a heel!
He has the rigid backbone of an eel!
I hate this ordeal!
I, wanderer with werewolves,
I, the gadder with the ghoul,
The master of the duel
Five times voted most cool,
The traveler with the troll,
Each memory I stole!
I, Gilderoy J. Lockhart
I, parable of swindlers
Him, Gilderoy J. Lockhart
Him, parable of swindlers
A Wiz among Wiz
At least in show biz!
I, accomplishments compiled
The Wizard World beguiled
Could yet end up reviled
My exit now delayed,
I am so afraid!
Look at him sweat
Look at him shake
Wouldn't you bet that this threat
Proves him merely a rake?
This is the sweatiest threat ever faced by this flake
So fake. . .
Your wand! Your wand!
I'll now escape your bonds!
The fabled stream of Lethe will now respond!
Adventures end!
Your minds I'll apprehend
There are thoughts to be erasing,
Selves to be effacing
Consciousness I shall obliterate!
Obliviate!*
Obliviate!
Obliviate!