"Yes, I am the Fudge...And a good Fudge, too!"
Image © 2004
Indigo Ziona
Copyright 2003, 2004 by Caius Marcius
NOTE: I first began working on my version of Trial By Wizengamot in September 2003, when I wrote the first four segments. I set it aside for several months, and resumed work in March 2004, but again set it aside to work on another Gilbert and Sullivan project, H.M.S. Dumbledore. I recieved Indigo Ziona's Trial By Wizengamot in May 2004, which she wrote completely independent of me. With her OK & support, I completed my own version on June 13, 2004.
Despite our use of the same musical drama to tell the same literary story, our two filk-operas came out quite differently. Indigo gives Umbridge and Amelia Bones larger roles, and I give Harry and Fudge more prominence. Arthur Weasley appears only in Indigo's version, Percy Weasley only in mine. Indigo divides her Wizengamot into good and evil sub-choruses, whereas mine sings as a unified mass. We assign most of the major songs to different characters (e.g., "When first my old, old love I knew" goes to Bones in Indigo's version, and to Harry in mine). On the other hand, we both substitute "Fudge" for "Judge" throughout, have Arabella step in for Angelina, we both acquit Harry at the same point, and have him enter at the same point as well (though neither of us came up with a rhyme for Is this the court of the Exchequer? nearly as piquant as Gilbert's immortal if inadvertant double-entendre).
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
THE LEARNED FUDGE, The Minister of Magic
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, Headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, and witness for the Defense
DOLORES UMBRIDGE, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic
AMELIA SUSAN BONES, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement
PERCY WEASLEY, Scribe to FUDGE
HARRY POTTER, a 15-year-old Wizard and The Accused
ARABELLA FIGG, a Squib residing in Little Whinging
CHORUS OF WIZENGAMOT WIZARDS AND WITCHES
SONG - to Hark, the Hour of Ten is Sounding
CHORUS
As you'll learn from our narration
Hark, the hour of eight is passing, etc.
SONG - to Now, Jurymen, hear my advice
Enter PERCY, as scribe
PERCY
CHORUS
During Chorus, PERCY sings fortissimo, "Silence in Court!"
PERCY
CHORUS
PERCY
CHORUS: We're disinclined, etc.
Enter HARRY POTTER
RECIT - to Is this the court of the Exchequer?
HARRY: Is this the court of the Wizengamot?
CHORUS (shaking their fists)
Enter DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE
CHORUS
SONG - to When first my old, old love I knew
As we await the arrival of THE LEARNED FUDGE, HARRY explains to the audience how he came to this pass.
HARRY:
HARRY (& CHORUS):
HARRY:
HARRY (& CHORUS):
HARRY
CHORUS
RECIT--PERCY (on Bench)
RECIT - to All Hail, Great Judge
Enter, with great pomp, THE LEARNED FUDGE
CHORUS
May each young fool
RECIT - to For these kind words
FUDGE
ALL: He'll tell us how he came to be our Fudge!
SONG - to When I, good friends, was called to the bar
FUDGE
CHORUS
FUDGE:
CHORUS
FUDGE:
CHORUS
FUDGE:
CHORUS
FUDGE:
CHORUS
FUDGE
CHORUS
FUDGE: For now I'm the Fudge!
RECIT. - to Swear thou the jury
FUDGE
PERCY
DUMBLEDORE:
CHORUS
RECIT. & CHORUS - to Where is the Plaintiff?/Comes the broken flower
FUDGE
RECIT -- PERCY
Enter ARABELLA FIGG, in housecoat and slippers
DUMBLEDORE & HARRY
FIGG:
DUMBLEDORE & HARRY
to Oh, never, never, never…
FUDGE
CHORUS (shaking their forefingers at her)
FUDGE (to Figg)
FIGG:
FUDGE:
FIGG:
THE JURY (shaking their forefingers at her)
RECIT & ARIA- to May it please you & With a sense of deep emotion
RECIT -- DUMBLEDORE
ARIA - FIGG
BONES
FIGG
BONES
FIGG
FUDGE
Fiction, this, what she's declaiming
PERCY
FUDGE
CHORUS
FIGG steps down, and takes a seat beside HARRY
to That she is reeling is plain to see
DUMBLEDORE:
FUDGE
DUMBLEDORE
FUDGE
DUMBLEDORE:
HARRY (aside)
CHORUS
Min'ster, hear your Chorus!
PERCY
SONG - to Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray
DOLORES UMBRIDGE steps forth, coughing softly
SONG -- UMBRIDGE
CHORUS
UMBRIDGE
So let this be perfectly clear,
CHORUS
RECIT - to That seems a reasonable proposition
FUDGE (to Dumbledore)
DUMBLEDORE
FUDGE & UMBRIDGE (aside)
QUARTETTE - to A nice dilemma we have here
DUMBLEDORE
CHORUS (uncertainly)
HARRY
UMBRIDGE (aside)
ALL (except Fudge & Umbridge)
Much repitition of the above
DUET - FUDGE & DUMBLEDORE to I love him, I love him
FUDGE
DUMBLEDORE
BONES & HARRY
CHORUS
RECIT - to The question, gentlemen - is one of liquor
BONES
UMBRIDGE
HARRY
HARRY, FIGG & DUMBLEDORE
CHORUS
Hark, the hour of eight is passing
Ministers are now amassing
Where's that kid we've been harassing
Who should be expelled?
We've changed the time and location
For this act of litigation
Which is being held.
Now, Ministers, hear our intent
Toward adolescent malcontents
Who cast spells in public:
For violating secrecy
We're disinclined to grant mercy
This lad we shall snub quick.
We're disinclined to grant mercy
This lad we shall snub quick.
Oh, those who'd let some whopper loose
So they might make improper use
Of magic through cheap tricks
Should hear the words of stern Percy:
We're disinclined to grant mercy
This lad we shall snub quick.
We're disinclined, etc.
So now at last it will be seen
To violate Section 13
Is proof that one's a brick
Our message we may state tersely:
We're disinclined to grant mercy
This lad we shall snub quick.
ALL: It is!
HARRY (aside) Keep me free from prison to rot!
Let me still be the Boy Who Lived, yet!
ALL: Who are you?
HARRY: Potter from Privet.
Potter, fear, we're furious!
We're the 'Gamot!
Yessir, dammit!
Dear me, dear me, if I may,
Let me pull up a chintz armchair
And permit me to commence,
Of the venue change aware
As a witness for defense
So although we went elsewhere
To prevent him from defense
He's of venue change aware
Ha! ha!--ha! ha!
When last I bid my school adieu,
The Dark Lord redeployed;
So what the hell was he up to?
I was a news-starved boy!
But when I viewed the evening news,
My uncle was annoyed:
"Tis not what normal children choose,
To become news-starved boys!"
Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! (Dud-a-ment!)
Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! (Dud-a-ment!)
"Tis not what normal children choose,
To become news-starved boys!" (Dud-a-ment!)
When at the park I stayed out late
I came across some noise
It was that junior heavyweight
The ickle Dudley boy.
But then at once the sky went black
As the heart of Malfoy.
For hark! Dementors did attack
And would our souls destroy….
Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! (Dud-a-ment!)
Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! Dud-a-ment! (Dud-a-ment!)
For hark! Dementors did attack
And would our souls destroy…. (Dud-a-ment!)
The situation looked quite foul
So I summoned forth my Patronus
I received then a Ministry owl
Which announced their intent to disown us
From an undetectable house
My Godpa's, most Noble and Ancient
I'm hopeful in MOM's court to douse
This controversy highly plangent
We should say it is true
In our court he is through.
Trying so merrily, Kan-ga-roo!
Kan-ga-roo! Kan-ga-roo!
Trying so airily, Kan-ga-roo!
Witches and wizards, due attention loan:
Behold your Fudge! Fall silent, each cell phone!
All hail, great Fudge!
To your pinstripes
We never grudge
Excessive hype.
All hail!
Who'd swish and flick
When not in school
Be thrown out quick!
All hail!
For these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray.
A Breach of Secrets we've to try today.
But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge,
I'll tell you how I came to be your Fudge.
FUDGE: I'll tell you how...
ALL: He'll tell us how...
FUDGE: I'll tell you how...
ALL: He'll tell us how...
FUDGE: Let me speak...!
ALL: Let him speak!
FUDGE: Let me speak!
ALL: (in a whisper) Let him speak!
He'll tell us how he came to be our Fudge!
PERCY: Silence in Court! Silence in Court!
When I, good friends, joined the Ministry
I was fired by great ambition
But I was assigned by their registry
To an entry-level position.
I soon was given a sinecure
A place where only a goose is
As the Deputy Assistant Clerk Junior
For Muggle Artifact Abuses!
As the Deputy Assistant Clerk Junior
For Muggle Artifact Abuses!
But Lord Voldemort began to stir,
And Ministers he was killing
So vacancies did then occur
That MOM needed to be filling
Though things all went from bad to worse
And then grew even badder
All thanks to Voldy's wicked curse
I climbed high up the ladder
All thanks to Voldy's wicked curse
He climbed high up the ladder
I soon reached where I longed to be
I seemed that I would far get
But darker forces served decrees
And made of me a target.
Lord Voldemort did wish me ill
And struck at me with Imperius
No!
Yes!
But I've a total lack of will
So the effects were none too serious
But he's a total lack of will
So the effects were none too serious
I sensed the side I'd picked was wrong
And soon we'd be defeated
The Death Eaters were all too strong
And MOM must be deleted.
But then Lord Voldy did that deed
That caused his realm to totter
He was in dire straits indeed
When he cursed at Harry Potter
He was in dire straits indeed
When he cursed at Harry Potter
And once I came to be Minister
The years were of peace and plenty
No sign of vice so sinister
All's dolce far niente
And 'twas the result of a magic spell
That was cast by a toddler--
For underage breach, let's now expel
That punk named Harry Potter!
For underage breach, let's now expel
That punk named Harry Potter!
ALL: And a good Fudge, too!
FUDGE: For now I'm the Fudge!
ALL: And a good Fudge, too!
FUDGE: Though all my law is sludge,
Yet I'll never, never budge,
But I'll live and die the Fudge!
ALL: And a good Fudge, too!
FUDGE (pianissimo). I'll be nudged out in Book Six--
ALL: And a good book, too!
FUDGE: I'll be nudged out in Book Six!
ALL: And a good book, too!
FUDGE: Jo has told us she predicts
My position she will nix
I'll be nudged out in Book Six
ALL: And a good book, too!
Swear thou the wizards!
Kneel, Wiz'gamots, oh, kneel!
Oh, will you here our witness nigh
She did the twin dementors spy
Our laws do give the boy this right:
That witnesses he may invite
And though the boy's an awful blight
Our laws do give to him the right
That witnesses he may invite
Oh, spite!
Where is the witness?
Let her now be brought.
Oh, Arabella! Come thou into Court!
Arabella! Arabella!
Comes the batty neighbor--
Comes the cat's comrade--
Cabbage smells she savors,
When in housecoat clad.
Shod in carpet slippers
She shall take this chair
And though Fudge may flip her
Her tale she'll now share
Take the oath that you'll not fib
Truthful thy account, O Squib!
In the Whinging village
I dwell with Mister Paws
On our humble tillage
Far from vain applause
Here I do my duty
For the OOP
Dung snuck off for booty
How he angered me!
Dungy, O, my wrath he draws
He felt the fury of my claws
Comes the batty neighbor, etc.
Oh, never, never, never,
Since we've had our register
Have I seen witches from the Whinging 'burbs.
Ah, Figgy! Ah, Figgy!
How say you?
Can a Squib perceive dementors?
My vision, dear sir, is 20-20er
Your story, Arabell, pray quickly spin it!
I'll do it thusly, just give me a minute!
Ah, Figgy! Ah, Figgy!
May it please you, m'Fudge!
Arabell of the suburbs!
With a sense of deep suspicion
I spied 'mentors on our street
They were on some evil mission
All dressed up in murky sheets
With a highly vicious cunning
They went at the two boys running
Though we don't want to sound chiding
She should rather have said they're gliding
Then that Harry Potter child
Cast a sure Patronus spell
Its effects were none too mild
The dementors were expelled
Those 'mentors went on the lam, be-
-Cause his patron looks like Bambi.
Patronus in shape specific
Is a magic feat terrific!
'Mentors gave me purest horror
Icy fear struck in my bowels
I was made to feel more or
Less like throwing in the towel.
Then, that lad, he made his wand go
And dementors vanished pronto
It betrays our splendid rubric
To do magic deeds in public
To say that 'mentors go astray
Those poor things that you are blaming
Never glide Wisteria Way
You are causing trouble to tell
That they are AWOL.
Our dementors follow orders
And do not cross Whinging borders
Step down, oh Figgy --oh, step down!
Step down, step down - get lost now!
Were 'mentors really
Sent by Lord V?
They obey only
The Ministry!
I trust that you shall
Investigate
Dumble wants total
Dementor-gate!
I know that you'll act
Responsibly
That, sir, is no fact,
Demonstrably!
Our laws will totter
If not upheld
Let Harry Potter
Now be expelled!
Time to summon forth Dolores!
Min'ster, Min'ster, hear your Chorus!
Silence in Court!
Oh, Dumbledore, listen, I hem
For I think that I misheard your statement
For surely you did not condemn
What all of us in this debate meant
The Sorting Hat never would send
The wise or the brave into Slytherin
And Sprout her greenhouse does not tend
To let her poor little plants wither in.
Consider our morals, oh please,
And let not this thought your mind enter
That we are all such vile sleaze
That we would send out a dementor
Consider her morals, oh please,
And let not this thought your mind enter
That she is such a vile sleaze
That she would send out a dementor
A house-elf does not bake all day,
Your dinner so that he might spoil it,
And Arthur would never convey
To Muggles an accursed toilet.
Ol' Snapey would not grant relief
To students who blunder in potions
Poor Chudley fans don't hide their grief
Or conceal their poignant emotions
To all whether left, right or center
That our Ministry never would veer
To have Harry chased by dementors
So let this be perfectly clear,
To all whether left, right or center
That our Umbridge would never dare veer
To have Harry chased by dementors
That seems a treasonable accusation
To which, I think, you better soon withdraw.
But I request, oh Fudge, with your permission,
Let us review at once the Secrets Laws!
'Twas decreed in 1690
And is still held to be binding
That a boy his wand might wave
If a life is thereby saved
Our ears are burning!
A loose dementor we have here,
Which means you must acquit
If on his street it did appear
That would quite settle it.
If by that 'mentor I'd been caught
A kiss 'twould give to me--
And if they should sniff out my plot
I'm charged Conspiracy!
A loose dementor we have here,
Which means we/they must acquit.
Expel him-- expel him--with harshness augmenting,
Our laws he has broken before.
For cock-and-bull stories he's ever inventing
Too often for me to keep score.
Hover charms reciting and house-elves inviting
And aunts whom he likes to inflate.
Just recall Rita writing of all his inciting
This lad we shall not exculpate.
Not exculpate!
But students at Hogwarts the Min'stry can't chastise
As I am reminding you still
And though you're asserting that laws you can revise
This trial is such overkill.
Although you're delighting in angry indicting
Of Harry's entire career
He's charged with just one thing, so let's do the right thing
And vote for these charges to clear
These charges to clear
We would be quick exiling
But what Dumble's compiling
Is a dementor may have entered
That is an alibi….
The question, Wiz'gamot--is one of 'mentors
You look for guidance--this is my reply:
Let's ask Dolores to permit one enter
Put it on the witness stand to testify!
With all respect,
I do object!
I did suspect
She would object!
We did suspect
She would object!
They did suspect
She would object!