We're Bereft of You-Know-Who (Chorus of Witches & Wizards)
It Was Through Anti-Potter Ops (Albus Dumbledore)
The Motorcycle (Rubeus Hagrid, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall)
A Nephew Named Harry (Vernon & Petunia Dursley, Chorus)
Dudley's Mum and Dad (Harry Potter)
Never Mind the Nasty Letters (Vernon, Petunia & Dudley Dursley, Harry Potter, Rubeus Hagrid)
Over the London Grid (Chorus of Witches & Wizards)
He Looks Like James' Son (Chorus of Witches & Wizards, Harry Potter, Rubeus Hagrid, Mr. Ollivander)
Now Come Three Goons (Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Chorus)
When I Was a Lass (Molly, Percy, Fred, George, Ron & Ginny Weasley)
Friend, Where's My Toad? (Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley)
Happy Her Lot Who Knows It All (Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley)
Once Upon Godric's Dome Sitting (Sorting Hat, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Chorus)
All Students New, Good Evening! (Albus Dumbledore, Chorus)
Explain, Celebrity (Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Harry Potter)
A Quidditch Star (Gryffindor Quidditch Team)
Can I Prevail In My Seekerness? (Harry Potter, Lee Jordan, Prof. Quirrell, Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Quidditch Team, Severus Snape, Rubeus Hagrid, Chorus)
Here Are Things I've Seldom Seen (Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Albus Dumbledore)
Kind Neville Gives Important Information (Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley)
The Planets Shine On In Space (Firenze)
Quirrell, The Stone (Lord Voldemort, Prof. Quirrell, Chorus of Trolls, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley)
A Couple Years Ago (Prof. Quirrell, Chorus of Gryffindors, Lord Voldemort)
Oh Joy, Oh Capture Of The Stone (Entire Company)
Copyright 2004 by Caius Marcius. Revision Copyright 2006 by Caius Marcius. Additional dialogue and lyrics copyright 2005 by James Patterson
AUTHOR'S NOTE: H.M.S. Dumbledore has been designed for theatrical performance. My 2006 revision incorporates some additional dialogue and lyrics written by James Patterson, is in two rather than three acts (the original second and third acts are now bridged by a brief monologue for Argus Filch), and brings in Lord Voldemort as an actual character on stage (presenting him as a disembodied voice, as I did originally, is too anti-theatrical). Anyone interested in mounting a performance should contact Caius Marcius for additional details.
I've attempted to provide a Gilbertian-style dialogue, which may be a bit too difficult for younger performers. A more simplified version is available upon request.
You may also be interested in our interpretation of Trial by Jury (Versions One and Two), as well as our collection of assorted Gilbert and Sullivan parodies.
THE SCENE: Privet Drive. VERNON DURSLEY pulls up in his driveway after a long day of making drills, and is startled to see first one man in a long cloak - then another - then another - then a woman similarly garbed - until the entire street is crowded with celebratory sorcerers. Disgusted, VERNON beckons to PETUNIA, who displays a similar reaction when she sees what is going on. They are startled by a display of fireworks and a flock of owls, and retreat into their house. The wizards and witches burst into song, as, to the side, a stern-looking cat - i.e., MINERVA MCGONAGALL with a cat mask - looks on with disapproval.
CHORUS - to We Sail the Ocean Blue
CHORUS - WIZARDS & WITCHES
WITCHES
WIZARDS
WITCHES
WIZARDS
WITCHES
WIZARDS & WITCHES
Hurrah!
Exit Chorus of Wizards & Witches, leaving behind the stern-looking cat. Enter ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, with a bag of lemon drops. He addresses MCGONAGALL, as she removes her mask.
RECITATIVE - DUMBLEDORE
Hail, Minerva M. - Animagic feline
ARIA - to For I'm Called Little Buttercup
DUMBLEDORE
At home in the Hollow, therewith Voldy followed
I've just sent out to Hagrid to bring back the stray kid
Thus blowback from Potter ops made dear old Voldy drop,
McGONAGALL (wiping away a stray tear) How wonderful and yet how simultaneously tragical. The end of You-Know-Who's reign of terror, but as such a price! James and Lily gone from us forever. I can't believe it... I didn't want to believe it...Oh, Albus...
DUMBLEDORE Yes, I know, it's all very sad. But at least I've located an appropriate placement for this heroic orphan child.
RECITATIVE - McGONAGALL
DUMBLEDORE
Sound of motorcycle off-stage. Enter HAGRID, bearing the infant Harry
MADRIGAL to The Nightengale
HAGRID
DUMBLEDORE & McGONAGALL
HAGRID
ALL
DUMBLEDORE
McGONAGALL & HAGRID
Exit DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL & HAGRID. Enter, through their front
door, VERNON & PETUNIA, joined by a Chorus of Little Whinging
Residents - Whingingers? Whingingians?
BALLAD to A Maiden Fair to See
VERNON
ALL
PETUNIA
ALL
VERNON & PETUNIA
VERNON, PETUNIA & CHORUS
Exit all. A sudden change in lighting indicates a great passage of time - nearly 10 years, in fact. The DURSLEYS enter their living room.
VERNON (concerned and shocked) That wasn't magic, was it?
PETUNIA No dear. That was just a lighting effect signifying the passage of time. What day is it now, love?
VERNON Day 3,559 by my reckoning. Nearly 10 years. And in all that time, we have successfully suppressed every trace of - you-know-what from the lad.
PETUNIA Precisely - not counting a few baffling rooftop appearances, his hair growing back inexplicably on occasion, enigmatically shrinking sweaters and a mysterious conversation with a boa constrictor, he has yet to betray the slightest trace of you-know what.
VERNON By the way, where is the young pestilence?
PETUNIA Yes, that reminds me - he must be released for his five o'clock feeding.
HARRY is released from his cupboard under the stairs
Come along, young Harry, if you please. Pray complete your miserly meal as rapidly as you can, so we need spend as little time gazing at your abhorrent features as possible. And remember, don't ask questions.
Exit the DURSLEYS
HARRY Tomorrow it will be my birthday - I shall be observing my 11th year of existence. For most children, the event would presage a day of merry celebration. But alas - how few the joys of childhood have I experienced in my brief and heartrending life! I am but an orphan boy, without memory of my parents, who perished (so I am told) ignominiously in an automotive mishap. Raised by my callous Aunt and Uncle, who have yet to bestow upon me the slightest crumb of affection - and then there is my bullying cousin Dudley, who prides himself in his pugilistic abilities, gained largely at my expense. Is it any wonder that I suffer from such low self-esteem?
On his last birthday, Cousin Dudley was showered with gifts, receiving even more after tantrumming for them a bit. But the Dursleys of course have it not in the heart to give me any type of gift at all. It seems as though the only present I'll receive this year is this cigar-box banjo given to me by Mrs. Figg, that eccentric old Squib who lives down the street.
SONG to Fair Moon to Thee I Sing
HARRY (accompanying himself on the cigar-box banjo)
I have lived hitherto
And now my dreadful uncle cries
I think to leave this place
Several letters enter the room through the mail slot. HARRY picks them up.
HARRY How wondrous! Could this be the long sought-for sign? A letter, addressed to me, for the first time ever! "Harry Potter! You may have already won……." How anti-climactic! The first time in my young life that postal correspondence has been addressed to me, and it turns out to be but an impersonal mass mailing. But wait, what is this? a second missive, also addressed to me? "Mr. H. Potter, The Cupboard under the Stairs, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey."
Re-enter the DURSLEYS
DUDLEY Look, Father, I fear that my cousin may have already won an enormous fortune from Publishers' Clearing House.
VERNON Be so good as to allow me to snatch these letters from your offending hands. Oh, goodness me. Petunia, we encounter a seeming difficulty.
PETUNIA (reading the letter) Indeed, dear husband, I believe this may well constitute an insuperable obstacle. Perhaps we should simply tell the young vermin the truth.
HARRY Seeing that the missive is addressed to me, I would deeply appreciate an opportunity to read it at your earliest convenience.
DUDLEY As would I, young busybody than I am.
VERNON Nonsense - it was delivered here by mistake - we shall simply destroy the letter and that will be the end of that. And do something about that hair of yours!
More letters appear
PETUNIA Oh, my, this may prove to be more difficult than we might have initially conjectured.
TRIO (plus two) to Never Mind the Whys and Wherefores
VERNON
PETUNIA
DUDLEY
HARRY There's a letter here for Potter
VERNON & PETUNIA
VERNON
The Quartet form as a car on stage, slamming doors. VERNON driving, PETUNIA in the front passenger seat, HARRY and DUDLEY behind, pop head out of side to deliver lines. They reform to a line when they arrive at the hut
HARRY & DUDLEY
HARRY There's more letters here for Potter
QUARTET
HARRY
Enter HAGRID, with a small pink umbrella. VERNON points a gun at him, which HAGRID seizes without resistance
Though the man looks rather shocking
HAGRID
VERNON Give no letter here to Potter!
Now I am at long last reading
HAGRID & HARRY
HAGRID So there you have it, Harry. You were born of wizard parents who perished heroically in battle against the most evil wizard of modern times - decent folk fear to utter his name - we only call him "You-Know-Who"
PETUNIA Oh, you mean that Lord Voldemort fellow.
HAGRID (unnerved) Precisely. But when he tried to kill you, for some unfathomable reason, the spell ricocheted off you and back onto him, leaving him utterly bereft of power, liberating all of the Wizarding World from his fell clutch. That means that you are….
HARRY & THE DURSLEYS ...A celebrity!
DUDLEY Can I have your autograph?
VERNON & PETUNIA elbow DUDLEY sharply
HARRY Why, how utterly fascinating. (to the Dursleys) But, pray tell, why did you fail to inform me regarding these singular matters?
PETUNIA Please do not be offended. We simply felt that it would be easier to ceaselessly abuse and coerce you if you knew nothing of your glorious heritage.
VERNON Plus, we strongly object to having wizards in the family.
HARRY Well, I'm pleased to hear that at the least, you had good reasons for your actions.
HAGRID So, now that you are of age, it is time for you to be reintegrated into the world in which you born. You are to be enrolled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Britain's foremost school of magic, under the sterling leadership of Albus Brian Dumbledore, Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump and H.M.S.
HARRY H.M.S.?
HAGRID Hogwarts' Magical Supervisor. Albus Dumbledore is the noblest wizard of our time. The only one You-Know-Who was ever afraid of. It was he who led us through our darkest hours, who gave us inspiration and courage when every trace of hope had seemingly vanished from the visible universe. It was he who placed you at Privet Drive.
HARRY looks askance.
But, hey, he's still the noblest wizard. Everyone makes mistakes.
VERNON But how is all of this to be paid for?
HAGRID Without difficulty. Harry's parents have left him a lavish inheritance, which will pay his tuition for the next seven years, with plenty to spare.
The Dursleys approach HARRY fawningly
I apologize, I fear that I have spoken out of place. Our story line requires that the three of you regard Harry with fear, loathing and contempt for the next five volumes, at least, if not longer. Please forget that I ever said anything.
The Dursleys resume their previous posture toward HARRY
VERNON Right then. But how is all of this to be paid for? I'm not spending my hard-earned money to send the young miscreant to be taught by a magician who dresses - well, dash it all, who dresses silly!
HAGRID Never dare say to me that Albus Brian Dumbledore, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, and H.M.S. dresses silly! A flash of light from Hagrid's umbrella. My retribution is terrible!
VERNON What retribution?
PETUNIA Yes, what retribution?
DUDLEY Yes, what retribution? Oink.
DUDLEY covers his mouth in shock
HAGRID Come along, Harry. There is an ancient adage in the Wizarding World, "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping." You will be pleased to learn that Harry will return to your care next summer.
HARRY I don't know that I am pleased about that, though I suppose there are sound literary and structural reasons for my returning. Goodbye, then. I shall see you next summer.
VERNON Goodbye.
PETUNIA Cheers.
DUDLEY Oink.
Exit the DURSLEYS - HAGRID and HARRY start striding in place on centre front stage
HAGRID We are heading for London's Diagon Alley, our first stop will be Gringotts, the wizard's bank. Run by Goblins.
HARRY Goblins?
HAGRID You'd be mad to try and rob it. Gringotts is the safest place in the world for anything you wanted to keep safe - except maybe Hogwarts. I've got to visit Gringotts anyway - Hogwarts business. (taps nose) Do you have your list of the things you'll need?
HARRY (opens letter and reads aloud) Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Plain black work robes, pointed hat, dragon hide gloves … "A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration?" "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them"?
HAGRID Yeah, that's a good book, you'll enjoy that. Especially the chapter on dragons.
HARRY One wand, one cauldron, one set of brass scales … Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad? Can we buy all this in London?
HAGRID If you know where to go. Only, you won't want to be buying a toad - highly unfashionable. I'll get you an owl. (pause) We are heading for London's Diagon Alley, one of the Wizarding Worlds' premiere venues of business. We must enter by way of The Leaky Cauldron, a favorite establishment of mine. I've already owled them that we're on our way - hark! I believe that I can detect the dulcet tones of their expectant chorus in the distance as we approach….
BARCAROLLE to Over the Bright Blue Sea
CHORUS OF LEAKY CAULDRON BARFLIES (off-stage)
HARRY AND HAGRID enter the Leaky Cauldron, and are greeted joyously by the CHORUS OF MAGICAL BARFLIES
CHORUS TO Sir Joseph's barge is seen
CHORUS OF LEAKY CAULDRON BARFLIES
We shall rejoice and then
Segue to Diagon Alley, with CHORUS acompanying HARRY & HAGRID
HARRY
OLLIVANDER
OLLIVANDER & HAGRID
Much repetition of all the above
SONG to Now Give Three Cheers
HARRY Now come three goons, one leads the way
Enter DRACO MALFOY with CRABBE & GOYLE
DRACO
DRACO You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.
HARRY I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks
DRACO Be careful, Potter, or you will find yourself in the company of lower-middleclass riff-raff committing the worse kinds of social solecisms.
Exit DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE
HARRY A most unpleasant young man - a sort of a smaller, blonder Dudley Dursely. Just suppose - suppose that everyone I meet in the Wizarding World is just as insufferable. No - it simply cannot be! Sometime soon, I shall find a stalwart friend - a worthy ally - in whom I might confide the deepest aspirations of my 11-year-old soul - and preferably one who owns a rat with some rather sharp teeth.
HAGRID Now that your shopping has been completed, it is time to depart for Hogwarts. Here from the King Cross station, you need merely look for Station Nine and Three-Quarters to catch the departing Hogwarts Express. Remember, Nine and Three-Quarters. See you at Hogwarts, Harry
Exit HAGRID
HARRY Dear, once again my chronic lack of curiosity lands me in difficulty. There's Station Nine, Station Nine Point One Station Nine And One Seventh, Station Nine Point Four to the Power Twelve, Station Nine Point Nine Nine Nine Nine, and Station Ten. But no Station Nine and Three Quarters. How ever shall I find the proper entrance?
Enter the Weasley Family
GINNY Mother, look - a forlorn yet paradoxically heroic-looking orphan boy, trying to find Station Nine Point Four to the Power Twelve.
RON No, by Jove, I believe he is looking for Station Nine and Three Quarters, just the same as ourselves. Could he be one of my future classmates?
MOLLY Are you in need of assistance, forlorn yet paradoxically heroic-looking orphan boy? We should be most happy to oblige you.
HARRY Oh, yes, ma'am, I would be most grateful for any information that you might condescend to bestow upon me. Could you be so good as to instruct me as to the location of the place known as Station Nine and Three Quarters?
MOLLY (aside) How polite and proper the lad is! (to Harry) Certainly, young man. All you need do is-
FRED (interrupting) Mother, look at his scar - no wonder he's forlorn yet paradoxically heroic-looking. It's Harry Potter!
HARRY Oh, him. I mean, yes, I am.
MOLLY Now, children, do not gawk. The poor boy is not something you goggle at in a zoo. Since young Harry has been kind enough to introduce himself to us, let us reciprocate his thoughtful gesture and introduce ourselves to him, in turn.
SONG to When I Was a Lad
MOLLY (& CHORUS)
CHORUS
MOLLY (& CHORUS)
CHORUS
PERCY (& CHORUS)
CHORUS
FRED AND GEORGE (& CHORUS)
CHORUS
RON (& CHORUS)
CHORUS
GINNY (& CHORUS)
CHORUS
MOLLY Now, young Harry, all you need do is walk straight at the barrier between platforms Station Nine Point Four to the Power Twelve, and Ten. Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it. If you'd prefer, you may go now with all of us.
HARRY Thank you very much for your assistance as well as your company...
Lighting effect to signify their successful passage
Yes, I have crossed it! Station Nine and Three Quarters - such a glorious sight it is!
MOLLY We must be off now. My sons, do your best for the honor of our family and of Gryffindor. Be sure to owl home frequently. And Ron, do your utmost to introduce Harry to our magic society, providing him with accurate and concise expository material.
RON Yes, Mother.
Exit MOLLY & GINNY - exit, in the opposite direction, the other Weasleys, leaving RON & HARRY alone
HARRY Since you are a child of a wizarding family, as such you are well-suited to inform me as to many of the particulars of my new circumstances of which I am at present deeply ignorant. Yet at the same time, I perceive that you likewise suffer from low self-esteem-
RON (excitedly) Yes, that's right!
HARRY -so you will be unlikely to assume an arrogant or patronizing attitude toward me. Best of all, I see that you own a rat with some rather sharp teeth,
RON And perhaps some of the glory with clusters around you, unconscious though you are of it, may yet reflect on me as well. I believe we have the basis for a deep and abiding friendship.
HARRY Let us shake upon it. Now, where should my instruction begin?
Enter a witch pushing a food trolley
RON An excellent place to start would be to acquaint you with the wide assortment of sweets which are made available in the Wizarding World. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, Chocolate Frogs. Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, and a number of others, each more savory than the last.
HARRY A most edifying suggestion. I believe I shall require a sample of all these. I believe it is already obvious that the Wizarding World is going to surpass the Muggle world in quality by an ample margin.
Exit witch and trolley
RON You'll notice that the Chocolate Frogs always come with cards of famous wizards and witches. Who did you get?
HARRY "Albus Dumbledore" I've heard of him - so that's what he looks like. "Albus Dumbledore is the noblest wizard of our time. The only one You-Know-Who was ever afraid of. It was he who led us through our darkest hours, who gave us inspiration and courage when every trace of hope had seemingly vanished from the visible universe. He is also fond of tenpin bowling and is known for his work on alchemy with his part-"
Enter NEVILLE, breathlessly, accompanied by HERMIONE
RECITATIVE to Sir, You Are Sad
NEVILLE
HERMIONE
RON (aside, to Harry)
HARRY (aside, to Ron) A provoking and pushy person!
BALLAD to Sorry Her Lot Who Loves Too Well
HERMIONE
HARRY & RON
HERMIONE According to my recent studies in magic amphibian trajectories, your toad is most likely hopping in a northerly direction toward some warm aquatic environment.
NEVILLE (looking off-stage) Yes, you are right - there he is now - no, Trevor, no! Not the girls' water closet!
Exit NEVILLE, precipitously
HERMIONE By the way, do you know which dorm you'll be in? I hope I get in Gryffindor - that's the one that Albus Brian Dumbledore, H.M.S. was in. They say that he is the noblest wizard of our time. The only one You-Know-Who was ever afraid of. It was he who led the Wizarding World through its darkest hours, who gave us inspiration and courage when every trace of hope had seemingly vanished from the visible universe. You do know what H.M.S. stands for, don't you?
HARRY & RON Yes, we do!
HERMIONE You two had better change, we're now arriving at Hogwarts.
RON She's right, it's time to detrain.
They exit the Hogwarts Express, in the company of the other First Years. Enter the older Students, led by FRED, GEORGE & PERCY.
HARRY (awe-struck) So this is Hogwarts!
NEVILLE It's wonderful!
HERMIONE It's marvelous!
DRACO Even I am faintly impressed.
CRABBE & GOYLE As are his henchmen, known as Goyle and as Crabbe.
RON This castle hath a pleasant seat; the air nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto our gentle senses. This guest of summer, the temple-haunting martlet, does approve, by his loved mansionry, that the heaven's breath smells wooingly here. Where they most breed and haunt, I have observed, the air is delicate.
HARRY (applauding) That's quite good - it's too bad that Hogwarts does not offer classes in theater.
Enter MCGONAGALL, followed by HAGRID
RON See, see, our honour'd hostess!
HAGRID The first years, Professor McGonagall!
McGONAGALL Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here. Welcome to Hogwarts. The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in your house common room.
The four houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each house has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your house points, while any rule-breaking will lose house points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup, a great honor. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours.
The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting.
Exit McGONAGALL
HARRY How exactly do they sort us into houses?
RON Some sort of test, I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking.
HARRY There's Professor McGonagall again. She's carrying in something upon that stool. It looks like a - no, it couldn't be - a simple piece of headgear……
ENSEMBLE to Carefully on Tiptoe Stealing
SORTING HAT
CHORUS OF FIRST YEARS (much alarmed)
Our four dorms are getting ready
CHORUS OF FIRST YEARS
CHORUS OF FIRST YEARS, CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
SORTING HAT
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
HARRY
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
SORTING HAT and HARRY
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
SORTING HAT
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
SORTING HAT
All the new Slytherins, including DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE, join SNAPE
And he will not go with Flitwick
All the new Ravenclaws join FLITWICK
Nor a Hufflepuffle-or
All the new Hufflepuffs join SPROUT
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
SORTING HAT
All the new Gryffindors join McGONAGALL
GRYFFINDORS
NEVILLE, holding his toad, stands by himself, awkwardly unsorted
SORTING HAT
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY (shocked)
DRACO
NEVILLE
HERMIONE
SORTING HAT
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
DRACO
DRACO, CRABBE, GOYLE & SLYTHERIN CHORUS
McGONAGALL Students, I now have the privilege to introduce Albus Brian Dumbledore - the noblest wizard of -
ALL - of our time, the only one You-Know-Who was ever afraid of. It was he who led the Wizarding World, etc. etc. We know!
McGONAGALL But did you know that he excels in tenpin bowling?
ALL (except Ron and HARRY, abashed) No....
McGONAGALL Well, then. Now, here he is.
Enter DUMBLEDORE
RECITATIVE & SONG to My Gallant Crew, Good Morning
DUMBLEDORE
As the song begins, DUMBLEDORE dances a jig
DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE
Prolonged cheering as the curtain closes. DUMBLEDORE remains on stage
DUMBLEDORE (addressing the audience) I'm pleased to find so many individuals of the Muggle orientation in attendance tonight. Welcome. Young Harry's saga is one of the more interesting stories of recent times, would you not agree? Now, as our student body partakes of the Start of Term feast, we should grant them a bit of privacy to facilitate both their social and digestive processes. However, I am certain that they will soon be ready to embark upon their classroom lessons, Quidditch matches as well as a confrontation with Ultimate Evil. Meanwhile, I have been informed that some of your delightful Muggle refreshments are available in your lobby.
DUMBLEDORE takes out a bag of lemon drops
We will expect to see you back in no less than 15 minutes time. Good bye - for now.
Exit DUMBLEDORE
We discover the first-year Gryffindors and Slytherins in the Potions Dungeon, awaiting the arrival of SEVERUS SNAPE
RON The Hogwarts professors have certainly proven themselves to be a fascinating lot. There's McGonagall, who is very strict, but fair.
HARRY There's Flitwick, who is short, but very charming.
NEVILLE Yes, I like Professor Flitwick immensely. He's promised that he will teach me to swish.
RON "Swish and flick," you mean, of course. A subtle yet vital distinction.
HARRY There's also Sprout, who's dumpy but very nice.
HERMIONE There's Binns, who is quite knowledgeable...
RON (sharply)...but very dull.
HARRY And there's that harmless young Professor Quirrell, who's quite timid, so I doubt he'll teach us much. I wonder what our Potions Professor Severus Snape will be like?
RON Here's what it says about him in the Hogwarts Faculty Profiles: "Severus Snape. Nicknamed 'Snivellus'. Former Death Eater rehabilitated under obscure and mysterious circumstances. He is now totally and inexplicably trusted by H.M.S. Dumbledore. Hobbies include swooping about like an enormous bat, deducting house points from Gryffindor on the most trivial of pretexts, shooting down flies in his room at wandpoint, and participating in Spinners End conspiracies. From such a face and form as Snape's, the noblest sentiments sound like the black utterances of a depraved imagination."
HARRY I guess you can't expect a chap with such a name as Severus Snape to be a popular character. But I'm certain he won't be that bad.
Enter SNAPE, swishing his cape
SNAPE You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion making. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses. I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death - if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach..
SNAPE points at HARRY, ignoring HERMIONE who keeps her hand raised throughout
Potter! What is 395 times 412? Who was the 23rd President of the United States? How many pints are there in a gallon? What is the capitol of Latvia? For what film did Robert Donat win his sole Academy Award? Where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?
HARRY 162,740. Benjamin Harrison. Eight. Riga. Goodbye, Mister Chips. (hesitation) I can't answer the last question, sir.
SNAPE Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh, Potter?….Clearly, fame isn't everything….
DUET (plus three) to Refrain, Audacious Tar
SNAPE
Obtain, celebrity,
Explain, celebrity,
You think your name will serve
DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE
HARRY
SNAPE
HARRY (aside)
He's really got his nerve
SNAPE
Explain, celebrity,
HARRY
SNAPE/HARRY
SNAPE Your assignment this week is to memorize your textbook, and then to translate it into Sanskrit. After that, our lessons will become difficult. Class dismissed.
Exit SNAPE, swishing his cloak in a bat-like manner.
DRACO (exit, smirking) You'll die on the Quidditch Pitch, Potter
HARRY How ill-mannered!
EXIT all students but HARRY. Enter the Gryffindor Quidditch Team
But hark! Now approches the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, and our gallant Captain Oliver Wood.
WOOD What ho, young Harry. Explain, I pray, your downcast visage. Do I detect feelings of discomfiture within your bosom?
HARRY I cannot dispute the accuracy of your observations, Master Wood. I have just attended my first Potions class, and I am astonished and perplexed that Professor Snape demonstrates such ill-will toward me, when I have done naught to offend him.
ANGELINA Take it not to heart, Harry. I shall explain why Snape bears such umbrage toward you: he has heard of your phenomenal prowess on the Quidditch field, and is now quite worried - with good reason, I might add - that Slytherin must soon relinquish its perennial grip on the championship Quidditch cup.
WOOD How fortunate for us that McGonagall was so quick to perceive your innate talent. It is quite apparent that you are truly a natural. You've been joining us for team practice for quite some time now, and here it is, our first competition of the season. You'll be the youngest player in over a century. And we believe that your skills will lead us on to glorious victory, don't we, esteemed fellow athletes?
GQT We do!
HARRY What an honor! I am quite overcome by this effusion of support.
GEORGE Why, it is the opinion of us all that you alone have the best chance to become a - a Quidditch star!
HARRY A Quidditch star? What's that?
WOOD A Quidditch star? Why, it's the very pinnacle of what a wizard should aspire to…..
FRED Grace,
KATIE Style,
ANGELINA Power,
GEORGE Speed,
ALICIA Courage,
FRED Endurance,
ANGELINA Exuberance,
KATIE Celebrity-hood……
WOOD Like Dangerous Dai Llewellyn, Joseph Wronski, Meaghan McCormack, or (pausing dramtically) Ludo Bagman!
FRED & GEORGE (reverently) Ludo!
GEORGE Harry, my lad, before the sun has set, you will join their august company…..
GLEE to A British Tar
WOOD, FRED & GEORGE
GQT, WITHOUT HARRY
ANGELINA, KATIE & ALICIA
GQT, WITH HARRY
WOOD The seven of us comprise the best team that Gryffindor has had in years. It is a certainty that the Quidditch cup will have our name on it this season.
Enter CHORUS OF QUIDDITCH FANS, including HAGRID, RON & HERMIONE
RON This is going to be great, Harry! Hermione and I will be cheering for you in the stands.
HARRY (aside, to Ron) Hermione? But we can't abide her!
RON No, remember, we saved her from a troll, and now the three of us are friends to the death for life.
HARRY (slapping his forehead) Oh, of course, how foolish of me, how could I have forgotten? It must be my nerves.
HERMIONE Oh, Harry, I just wanted to wish you the best of luck.. You do remember that we're now friends to the death for life, don't you?
HARRY Of course, ever since we rescued you from that ah, that ghoul.
RON & HERMIONE You mean troll.
HARRY Yes, troll, of course. You must excuse my forgetfulness. My first big game and all. Oh, I do so hope my teammates' faith in me is not displaced.
HERMIONE Of course it isn't. I know you are going to win! (aside to Harry) I read ahead. (to all) Here comes the opposing team now. We'll see you after the game, Harry!
The fans step back as the SLYTHERIN TEAM, including DRACO, CRABBE & GOYLE, enter (I know they really weren't on the first year Slytherin team, but it helps the audience to see familiar faces)
ENSEMBLE to Can I Survive the Overbearing
HARRY
Enter LEE JORDAN, followed by McGONAGALL
HARRY, GQT & CHORUS OF FANS
Aye, aye, my boy,
Exit the GQT & SQT, who play their game off-stage, as LEE gives the play-by-play, with McGONAGALL along side him
JORDAN
CHORUS OF FANS
JORDAN
McGONAGALL
JORDAN
LEE JORDAN & CHORUS OF FANS
McGONAGALL
LEE JORDAN & CHORUS OF FANS
QUIRRELL (aside)
JORDAN & CHORUS OF FANS (as Quirrell sings previous verse again)
JORDAN
CHORUS OF FANS (turning away, weeping)
HERMIONE
HERMIONE accidentally knocks over QUIRRELL as she successfully diverts SNAPE'S attention
JORDAN
HARRY (re-entering with the Snitch in his mouth)
JORDAN & CHORUS OF FANS (puzzled)
Enter GQT & SQT, on broomstick
WOOD (incredulously)
GEORGE
HARRY spews the Snitch out of his mouth and holds it triumphantly aloft. Though she tries hard to appear objective, McGONAGALL is clearly the most elated fan of all.
ALL
LEE JORDAN, CHORUS OF FANS & GQT
The draught of triumph we'll drain full
SNAPE (aside)
Although I find the lad quite dull
McGONAGALL, LEE JORDAN, CHORUS OF FANS & GQT
Exit SNAPE & QUIRRELL, and the Slytherin Quidditch Team. Exit McGONAGALL in the opposite direction. As the cheering throng breaks up a bit, HERMIONE & RON share their suspicions of SNAPE
HERMIONE This very day
HAGRID
TRIO
HAGRID
The Trio skip teasingly around HAGRID, who exits with annoyance
TRIO
TRIO & CHORUS
HERMIONE & RON
HARRY
TRIO (& CHORUS, with appropriate change of pronoun)
The books we'll read and the halls explore
The TRIO raise and converge their wands, a la The Three Musketeers
We have our wits and we have our wands
Much repetition of the above. Exit the TRIO & CHORUS - After a brief pause, enter, with a sudden change of lighting, ARGUS FILCH, with a suspicious and glaring look.
FILCH
Startled by the audience, he addresses them directly
Oh- I didn't see you at first - let me introduce myself - I'm only poor Argus Filch. I say - it's a beast of a name, ain't it - Argus Filch? It's not a nice name. I'm ugly too, ain't I? (pause) Well, be that as it may, I'm the caretaker here at Hogwarts, and it's one of my jobs to make sure that students are where they're supposed to be. Not sneaking around after bedtime. And Mrs. Norris - she's my cat, and a right proper feline, she is - tells me that two first-year Gryffindors, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, have been sneaking around the school long past curfew. When I find them - I'd like to hex them up one side and down the other, let me tell you - or so I would, except that (lowering his voice) - I'm a Squib (pause) You say you don't know what a Squib is? Well (pondering a few moments), I haven't time to go into it now, ask an eight-or-nine-year-old to explain it to you. Now this is urgent! - have any of you seen them - Weasley and Potter, I mean? (pause). No? (grumbling) Can't expect Muggles to notice anything, I reckon.
FILCH walks off-stage briefly, returns with the Mirror of Erised. The Mirror is a large oval on wheels, which FILCH leaves at the front of stage.
Dumbledore's instructions were quite precise - he wanted this magical mirror stowed away in this room - where no one could find it. Now, if you see either of those boys coming anywhere near this mirror, you call for me at once! Argus Filch! If you'll pardon me - I think I hear Mrs. Norris mewing down in the pantry…..
Exit FILCH - Enter RON & HARRY, who approach the mirror
HARRY The proverbial coast is, as they say, clear.
RON And you say that this is mirror which displayed your late family? However did you find such a marvel?
HARRY You must recall that Invisibility Cloak I received for Christmas from a kindly yet anonymous benefactor. The accompanying note read "Use it well," and I'm certain its author meant to say, "Go forth and find something peculiar!"
RON (peering into the mirror) This mirror might most definitely be described as "peculiar." But I don't think it's your family that I'm seeing…..
DUET (plus one) to Things Are Seldom What They Seem
HARRY
On the wall
RON
The HB
HARRY
HARRY & RON
Ev'ry night I'm/he's here arriving
Gazing in a magic mirror
Enter DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE
HARRY & RON
ALL
DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE (HARRY & RON)
HARRY & RON
Exit DUMBLEDORE
HARRY Well, that was certainly most interesting. Well, now that the Mirror episode is over and done with, I'd say it's high time we resumed the search for Nicky Flamel. What ho, Hermione, what news?
Enter HERMIONE, with a stack of books
HERMIONE None. He isn't in Great Wizards of the Twentieth Century, or Notable Magical Names of Our Time; Important Modern Magical Discoveries, or A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry. He's not in the London, the Glasgow or the Dublin telephone directories, the 1991 World Almanac, the Publishers Clearinghouse mailing list, or People Magazine's 50 most beautiful people.
HERMIONE flourishes a copy of "The Da Vinci Code"
Flamel is mentioned briefly in this volume, but the quality of its narrative strikes me as exceptionally unreliable.
HARRY It's just too bad that wizards don't have Google.
HARRY & HERMIONE exchange knowing looks as RON looks puzzled. Enter NEVILLE, hopping, with his arms and legs locked together
Oh, hello, Neville. Are you not feeling well?
HERMIONE (to HARRY) Oh, really! (waving her wand) Finite! What happened, Neville?
NEVILLE (streching out his limbs) Thank you, Hermione! It was Malfoy, I fear! I met him outside the library. He said he was looking for someone to practice the "Leg-Locker Curse" upon.
HERMIONE Go to Professor McGonagall! Report him at once!
NEVILLE I would prefer not to stir up any additional animosity. I have a most exhausting schedule today already - see - "10 a.m. - meet with Goyle to get beat up" - "11 a.m. - meet with Crabbe to get beat up." - "Noon - have lunch stolen by Flint" - "1 p.m. - meet with Malfoy to be re-jinxed and cursed" - "2 p.m. - meet with Pansy Parkinson to be mercilessly ridiculed, then get beat up again by Crabbe and Goyle simulataneously."
HARRY Well, you're worth 12 of them, even if they do keep mistaking you for a punching bag. Here, have a Chocolate Frog.
NEVILLE Thanks, Harry.…..Would you like the card, you do collect them, don't you?
Exit NEVILLE - HARRY looks at the Chocolate Frog card
HARRY Dumbledore again - he was the first one I ever……(long pause) well, here is some highly pertinent data I was careless enough to previously overlook…..
DUET (plus one) to Kind Captain, I've Important Information
HARRY (to HERMIONE)
TRIO
HERMIONE
TRIO
RON
TRIO
Good Fluffy, he that magic stone is guarding,
The thin & skinny Snapey
HERMIONE The dog must be guarding Flamel's Sorcerer's Stone! I bet he asked Dumbledore to keep it safe for him, because they're friends and he knew someone was after it, that's why he wanted the Stone moved out of Gringotts!
HARRY No wonder Snape's after it!
RON Yes.. so he can go on teaching Potions forever, tormenting generations of Gryffindors yet unborn.
HARRY No! It's because the stone makes gold and stops you from ever dying!
RON Right, that too!
HERMIONE And no wonder we couldn't find Flamel in that Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry. He is not exactly recent if he's six hundred and sixty-five, is he?
RON Let us retire to the Common area, where we may strategize as to our next step.
Exit the TRIO. Enter HAGRID, looking a bit apologetic
HAGRID (to the audience) Now, just between the two of us, I must admit to you that I have been a bit badly behaved of late. You see, I won a dragon egg off a cloaked chappie at The Hogs Head - you know the sort of place that is, a fellow could pick up all kinds of things there - and of course I took it home to hatch it. Baby Norbert! He bonded to me like a duckling to its mother - followed me around everywhere, was inconsolable apart from me - mind you, though he was rather high maintenance. And what with raising fire-breathing dragons being something of an illegal activity, and my living in a wooden hut to boot, I was not able to keep him long. We had to send him off to Romania, with Ron Weasley's brother Charlie. He'll be happy there - I know - but it is so hard to say goodbye. (Blows his nose) Anyway, Harry and Hermione were intercepted by Filch on their way back, and so earned a detention. So yes, I know it's all my fault in a way, but I'm making it up to them. They now serving their detention here with me, in the Forbidden Forest! A place First-Years hardly ever get to visit. Some say the Forest is dangerous - nonsense! It's simply what I would describe as (pause) interesting. Ah, here come my charges now.
Enter HERMIONE
HERMIONE Hagrid, I've lost track of Harry! Is he is any danger?
HAGRID Of course not, this forest is full of old friends of mine. There's Aragog, a giant blood-sucking spider, a few werewolves, a herd of Centaurs, oh, there's also two unicorns named Toward and Away who have vanished under mysterious and sinister circumstances - probably nothing serious (pause) But it might prove - interesting.
HERMIONE But where has Harry disappeared to?
Enter HARRY & FIRENZE, the former looking distraught
FIRENZE Good evening, Hagrid, I hope you are well.
HARRY Hagrid! Hermione! It was awful! I had just wandered away a bit, and then I saw Toward, the missing unicorn! He's been murdered! Then, out of the shadows, a hooded figure came crawling across the ground like some stalking beast. The cloaked figure reached the unicorn, lowered its head over the wound in the animal's side, and began to drink its blood!
HERMIONE How horrible! Poor Toward!
HARRY You think that's bad, you should have seen the one that got Away!
HAGRID & HERMIONE groan, and swat HARRY with their hats
Thank you, Firenze, for your timely rescue.
FIRENZE You are welcome, young Potter, although I fear I may have set myself in opposition to the celestial destinies by doing so.
HAGRID (aside, to Harry & Hermione) Ruddy stargazers, centaurs. They're deep - they just don't let on much - unless you provide them with a proper cue - (to Firenze) Now, what was it you were saying about the planets, Firenze?
FIRENZE Mars is bright tonight - unusually bright - but Venus - she is looking a tad peaked……
SCENE to The Hours Creep on Apace
FIRENZE
In the night sky see vast canopies of stars
But over yonder, celestial signs of doom
A slayer of a unicorn
A slayer of a unicorn
FIRENZE Goodbye, then young Potter. Despite the fact that you are almost certainly doomed, despair not. Centaurs have been wrong before.
HARRY That's a comfort. When was the last time you predicted incorrectly?
FIRENZE The last time? In 1938, when I lost my shirt betting against Seabiscuit at Pimlico.
Exit FIRENZE and, in the opposite direction, HAGRID. Enter RON
HARRY So, is it not obvious? We thought that Snape wanted the stone so he could live forever and become a wealthy celebrity (like me) - but now we find that he intends to give it to Lord Voldemort!
HERMIONE & RON Desist, we pray, in your vocalizing of his name.
HARRY Then think of how much more alarming it will be if Voldemort returns to life. Do you think he's going to go about saying, "Hi, I'm Lord You-Know-Who?" Of course not!
RON Yes, of course, you're absolutely right, Harry. Remember, we're all friends to the death for life. If Snape is going through the trapdoor tonight, then we are all bound to assist you, even if it results in our hideous and painful death.
HERMIONE Or even worse, a hideous and painful expulsion.
RON Let us go forward then! Victory or death - or expulsion!
Exit RON & HERMIONE, resolutely . HARRY continues to speak as if they are still there.
HARRY Don't you understand? If Snape gets hold of the Stone, Voldemort's coming back! Haven't you heard what it was like when he was trying to take over? There won't be any Hogwarts to get expelled from! Losing points doesn't matter anymore, can't you see? I'm going through that trapdoor tonight and nothing you two say is going to stop……
Re-enter RON & HERMIONE.
HERMIONE (impatiently) Harry, you'll have plenty of time to practice your rhetoric later - now hurry up, please, or we shall have to go through the trapdoor without you.
RON And don't forget your cloak.
HARRY Oh, ah, yes, just a minute!
Enter NEVILLE
NEVILLE Do my unobservant ears deceive me? The three of you are planning a nocturnal outing to battle the powers of darkness? But even though you may be gallantly fighting for the freedom of the Wizarding World against overwhelming odds, yet your actions are in direct defiance of our recently imposed outing restrictions! Forbear! Forbear! Or must I resort to physical force to halt your well-meaning but illegal egress?
HERMIONE Oh, Neville, you have proven that you are a true Gryffindor - acting in a truly courageous manner - unfortunately, you are also showing yourself to be at the same time a monumentally stupid git! Alas, that the two qualities are not mutually exclusive!
HARRY I suppose we are going to have to render him inert, or something to that effect. Hermione, are you aware of such a spell that would produce such an outcome?
HERMIONE I believe that the full Body-bind will serve our purpose. Petrificus Totalus!
NEVILLE is rendered inert
HARRY Be of good cheer, Neville...
HARRY slaps NEVILLE on the back, causing him to fall face forward - he is caught and restored to a standing position by RON and HERMIONE
No doubt, your courage will serve us well in future conflicts. Perhaps, in the heat of battle, you will break something of immense value to our opponents.
RON Right ho, Neville! Carry on then!
The TRIO carry NEVILLE off-stage, as HERMIONE stuffs a large coupon in his shirt pocket. Exit TRIO & NEVILLE - Enter QUIRRELL & A CHORUS OF TROLLS. The TROLLS bring in the Mirror of Erised.
QUIRRELL Every preparation has been executed - all we need do now is wait for.......
Enter, very dramatically, VOLDEMORT, seeming exhausted, with barely enough strength to stand.
VOLDEMORT It is I - Lord You-Know-Who....!
Upon seeing him, QUIRRELL raises both hands to pat the back of his own head several times.
QUIRRELL (with astonishment) Why, Lord Vold- oops, I mean ....Lord You-Know...? Is it truly you, your Dark Lordship, sir? Have you been restored to us? Were you able to secure the Stone?
VOLDEMORT No, it was some spell or other that I came up - one of those Latin thing-a-ma-jigs - starts with an "ex" and ends with an "ibus" - But with it, I have been able to temporarily materialize myself. But I'm only good for maybe two songs - or, at the most three, before I have to return to the back of your.....
QUIRRELL & VOLDEMORT exchange nauseated looks.
Well, it could be worse, I suppose - I could be living in Snape's hair.....
QUIRRELL Have no fear, your Lordship. Potter is now on his way, and you then will be able to, if you will pardon the common colloquialism, "get Stoned".
The TROLLS chortle at QUIRRELL's witticism. VOLDEMORT, folding his arms, regards them with disgust.
VOLDEMORT I must inquire of you as to why you found it necessary to introduce this chorus of trolls into what has hitherto been a troll-less dramatization.
QUIRRELL (defensively) It just that I have this gift for trolls - and besides, we'll need them for choral backup on our first big number.
VOLDEMORT Oh, bother it! I hate troll-singing even more than hate troll ballet-dancing..How much longer must I endure all this bosh?
QUIRRELL Just a short time longer, your Lordship, only until young Potter arrives...
VOLDEMORT Yes - and then, Professor, I shall be able to resume my career of evil, destruction, and poor attitude. I shall owe you an immense debt of gratefulness - if you can secure for me that Stone …..Sorcerer's, Philosopher's, whatever it is they're calling it these days…..
OCTETTE (minus six, plus trolls) to Farewell, My Own
VOLDEMORT
QUIRRELL
VOLDEMORT (aside)
VOLDEMORT, QUIRRELL & CHORUS
QUIRRELL
VOLDEMORT & CHORUS
Exit Chorus of Trolls. Enter THE TRIO. VOLDEMORT hides behind QUIRRELL.
TRIO
VOLDEMORT (aside)
QUIRRELL
RON (to the audience) Wow, that maze is truly - amazing! Three-headed dogs, flying keys, giant chessman, murderous vines - it's too bad we don't have enough time to let you see any of it.
QUIRRELL Now, really! According to the book, only Harry is supposed to make it all the way through the maze. And yet, I see all three of you standing before me. Explain yourselves at once!
HERMIONE Yes, sir, you are correct, but Harry is going to need a lot of vocal back-up for the next couple songs, so we decided that we ought to come all the way through the maze with him.
HARRY Actually, sir, I will be needing even more voices for the grand finale, so I invited a few more friends along. I hope that you will not mind.
Enter CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
QUIRRELL This is most highly irregular! The whole lot of you must leave at once!
ALL (except HARRY) Please might we stay, Professor?! Please?! Please?!
QUIRRELL Oh, very well then! But you must all give me your solemn promise me that you will do no more than sing - that you will not dare to intervene as we inflict a hideous and painful death upon your beloved friend and ally.
ALL (brightly, as HARRY looks askance) We promise!
QUIRRELL Right then! Let's get back to the book, then shall we?
HARRY and QUIRRELL both pull out paperback editions of The Sorcerer's Stone from their robes
HARRY (to the audience) Text Copyright 1997 by JK Rowling. All rights reserved.
QUIRRELL (clearing his throat, reading from the book) "I wondered whether I'd be meeting you here, Potter."
HARRY (reading from the book) "But I thought -- Snape - he tried to kill me!"
QUIRRELL "No, no, no. I tried to kill you. Your friend Miss Granger accidentally knocked me over as she rushed to set fire to Snape at that Quidditch match. She broke my eye contact with you. I'd have managed to throw you off the broom if Snape hadn't been muttering a countercurse, trying to save you."
HARRY "But Snape always seemed to hate me so much."
QUIRRELL "Oh, he does, heavens, yes. He was at Hogwarts with your father, didn't you know? They loathed each other. But he never wanted you dead."
HARRY "But I heard you a few days ago, sobbing -- I thought Snape was threatening you..."
RON Yeah, what about that?
QUIRRELL (sharply) Mr. Weasley, if I have to remind you one more time....!
RON (meekly) Sorry….
QUIRRELL (to Harry, fearfully) "Sometimes, I find it hard to follow my master's instructions -- he is a great wizard and I am weak --"
HARRY "You mean he was there in the classroom with you?"
QUIRRELL "He is with me wherever I go….."
HARRY and QUIRRELL both put their paperbacks back in their robes, as the next song begins
We're bereft of You-Know-Who,
Let's commence a celebration!
Spread the news by owl and Floo
All throughout the Magic nation.
As our Dedalus D.
Impetuously
Shoots stars through the sky all day
We will dance through the town
In our Wizarding gowns
To rejoice of LV's dismay!
Oh joy! Oh joy!
Old Dedalus D!
Oh joy! Oh joy!
Impetuously
Shoots stars through the sky, through the sky all day
We're bereft of You-Know-Who,
And his awful reign is over
Let us make a great ado
Who cares if we blow our cover?
But there is one great puzzle
Who was the one who muzzled
And managed to subdue
The evil You-Know-Who?
Here is an end, at last, of one so malign
Why I've sent you - in town to be bored
It has to do with Potters and Dark Lords
It was through Anti-Potter ops -foul Anti-Potter ops,
That made James and Lily die
'Twas through Voldy's Potter ops - cruel anti-Potter ops,
Base Anti-Potter ops, aye!
And slew both of them, one by one
But he near expired when his spell misfired
And failed to murder their son
To be raised here on Privet Drive
He'll grow up obscurer quite far from the furor
Surrounding the "Boy Who Survived."
No one is really sure why
Let's wait for the Potter tot - brave little Potter tot,
Oh, how we owe this young guy!
So tell me - where's the youth now orphaned by fate
To be nurtured after his folks' demise?
He'll ten years spend at his Auntie's estate!
McGONAGALL (aside)
This home!? Unwise! Unwise!
The motorcycle
Roared through the night's dark sky
And the bike'll
Bring you this little orphaned guy!
I sing, "Oh, poor Harry!"
He sang, "Oh, poor Harry!"
The mortal cycle
For the Potters sadly ends
But their little tyke'll
This horrible night transcend
We sing, "Good luck, Harry!"
We sing, "Good luck, Harry!"
We feel a mixture of joy and sorrow
As we lay the child down in this location
These Muggles here will find the boy tomorrow
This note - this note will give an explanation.
This note - this note will give an explanation.
ALL
This note - this note will give an explanation!
A nephew named Harry
Of weirdo family
The brat of sister Lily
He's found upon our stoop
This note gives us the scoop
Wrote by a man dressed silly
Wrote by a man dressed silly
An orphan, wizard-bred
His folks are now both dead
Quite careless they were bein'
Because he is our kin
We're s'posed to take him in
At least until he's eighteen….
At least until he's eighteen….
He now is ours to raise
We'll end this wizard craze
Though it may prove a struggle
All magic we'll forbid
We'll turn this Potter kid
Into a proper Muggle!
All magic we'll/they'll forbid
We'll/They'll turn this Potter kid
Into a proper Muggle!
Dudley's Mum and Dad bring
Gifts more than 37
But me, I woeful sing,
I'm in a fix at age eleven
Ah me, I woeful sing,
I'm in a fix at age eleven
Underneath a stairwell
No hope for me in view
It's really awful and it's sheer hell
With Potter he must be more stricter
His thought is to criminalize
All converse with constrictors!
Would be the utmost heaven
Unless I'm granted grace
I'm in a fix at age eleven
I think to leave this place
Would be the utmost heaven…..
Never mind the nasty letters
Aid he'll not get from abettors
All their craft I'll be defying
To help stamp out their nonsense
Even though they're basely spying
We shall mount a stout defense
Move the boy out of the cupboard
Move into the spare bedroom
Even though I loudly blubbered
Mum and Dad just let me fume
VERNON & PETUNIA There's no letters here for Potter
DUDLEY There's more letters here for Potter
VERNON & PETUNIA Keep from him letters to Potter
Slide the deadbolt in position
Pound the nail with fruitcake
We'll observe strict prohibition
Against all green ink intake
Let us flee these wicked letters
For they burst through all our fetters
Pack your things and do not fight me
Everyone get in the car!
And we have to say to Dudley
You can't take your VCR
Dine upon the tinned tomatoes
Surely Vernon's/Father's gone insane
Can't we find some way to veto
His mad race through driving rain?
DUDLEY Who would letters send to Potter?
VERNON We must flee letters for Potter
PETUNIA He'll not letters read to Potter
We withdraw into a cabin
On a rock way out at sea
We'll/They'll not even let a crab in
To disturb our privacy
Never mind their fear and terror
They have surely made an error
On my birthday there's a knocking
And a smashing of the door
He says he's seen me before!
Vernon, you great prune, please shut up
For the journey's not been fun
Pray provide for me a teacup
As I tie in knots your gun
I've a letter here for Potter-
HAGRID You can't halt letters for Potter
HARRY At long last, letter for Potter
HAGRID What they tried hard to abort
HARRY With a list of things I'm needing
HAGRID Once you're sent off to Hogwarts
Tale hid at last is told
In a magic school enrolled
Wizard, come of out of the cold
Now the time to step out bold!
Over the London grid
Comes young Harry Potter, Lily's kid
He comes toward our domain
Let ev'ry lush his beaker drain
Shout o'er the London grid
For young Harry Potter, Lily's kid
Shout o'er the London grid
For young Harry Potter, Lily's kid
For young Harry Potter, Lily's kid
He looks like James' son
But he has his mother's eyeballs
He is second-to-none
Let's have one more round of highballs!
He whaled, assailed ol' You-Know-Who
(Just see Chapter One in Rowling)
His Muggle days at last are through
For in Hogwarts he's enrolling
We'll give a rousing cheer
And then return again
To the Cauldron for more beer.
Now we're shopping,
Till we're dropping,
Through Diagon shops we're hopping
HAGRID
Sickles, Knuts and Galleons swapping
Till they're spent we'll not be stopping
You're expected
I detected
The young lad this wand selected
This wand will keep you protected,
Though with Voldy it's connected.
CRABBE & GOYLE (offstage) Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! hurray!
I'm of the Malfoy family
The magic aristocracy
We make all other clans seem drab
CRABBE & GOYLE And we are his henchmen known as Goyle and as Crabbe!
ALL And we/they are his/my henchmen known as Goyle and as Crabbe!
DRACO
I am part of the elite
Dad's been known to Death Eat,
And he'll maul the Muggle and the Mudblood stab
CRABBE & GOYLE And so have the fathers known as Goyle and as Crabbe!
ALL And so have the fathers known as Goyle and as Crabbe!
DRACO
My hand to you I give
I shall trust that the Boy Who Lived
Will come to join us for a power grab
CRABBE & GOYLE And so do his henchmen known as Goyle and as Crabbe!
ALL And so do his/my henchmen known as Goyle and as Crabbe!
His/my henchmen known as Goyle
Whom the good guys cannot foil,
And as Crabbe!
When I was a lass in the days of Ogg
I met a lad and we commenced to snog
I married Arthur and so fond were we
That soon we had acquired a massive family
(All manifested here in great variety)
We hail from the Burrow at St. Ottery's,
That Catchpole clan of redheads known as the Weasleys
We're very glad to meet you, Harry Potter, we,
The Catchpole clan of redheads known as the Weasleys
Now, Bill is our son of the eldest rank
He countercurses mummies for the Gringotts Bank
In Magizoology was Charles always best
So he now studies dragons outside Bucharest
(But he never brings his work home, and for that we're blessed)
Now, this implies no negative
But they've little role to play in future narrative
Bill and Charles would us all upstage
It's a good thing that the two of them are over-age
And next in line on the cutting edge
Just call me Percy with my Prefect badge
There are some who say that my mentality
Is indicative of rentative-anality
(Not to mention, too, his charming personality)
I shall enforce each and every rule
As a Prefect who has power gained at Hogwarts School
Not hydrocephaly, but pigheadedness
Is causing his condition of bigheadedness
We are the pair known as George and Fred
In the practices of pranksters we two forge ahead
We're human Bludgers and we're Wizard clowns
And you'll never see upon our face the slightest frown
(They wear their brightest smile as they knock you down)
Whenever you are struck by sorrow and grief
You can always count on us for comical relief
Some hi-jinxing jocularity
Results in their persistent popularity
We come at last to the final son
A first-year student by the name of Ron
Being raised in the shadow of five alpha-males
Explains somewhat my tendency to flail
(He 's doomed to lag behind us in our awesome trail)
So all in all, if you can stand my shtik
I'll sign on for all seven books as your sidekick
Though Ron may seem a trifle bland
Such qualities he has will soon be in demand
My name is Ginny and because I'm ten
Once the train has left, for me it's home again
And though I may seem shy and sweet
I've often forced my older brothers to retreat
(As a prize, this year we'll send to her a toilet seat)
And now you have met the family
Of Molly, Ginny, Percy, twins and Ron Weasley
Quite close you'll become with the family
Of Molly, Ginny, Percy, twins and Ron Weasley
Friend, where's my toad? The hopping happenstance
That's Trevor Toad will vanish in the blink of an eyelash
Requiring a searching more thorough than common
He leapt from me - now gone - hope I'm no bother!
Yes, Neville Longbottom - I'm hunting with him
I'm called Hermione - the brightest pupil
This year summoned to historic Hogwarts.
Within this carriage I greet Harry Potter
Who pulverized the Dark Lord - the books all say it -
Yet you seem unacquainted with these volumes
Alas, poor Harry! Tis a Know-It-All
Too anxiously her smarts she's now displaying.
How she a nuisance proves to me and Potter!
Buzz off - Farewell!
Happy her lot who knows it all
Highest the score of one most brainy
Who read from books like Rise and Fall
And memorize it so germanely
Simple my magic, but I learn quick
For all it takes is a swish and flick
For all it takes is a swish and flick
Bossy the gal who struts her stuff
Sore is her sight to us two fellows
Right straightaway she called our bluff
That we can not turn this rat yellow
Simple her magic, but we aren't quick
We do not know how to swish and flick
We do not know how to swish and flick.
Once upon Godric's dome sitting,
For the last ten centuries
I'm at start-of-term transmitting
News to all our new entries
Goodness me-
Why, what is that?
SORTING HAT
Simply me,
The Sorting Hat!
CHORUS OF FIRST YEARS (reassured)
You are - you are the Hat!
SORTING HAT
Yeah, right, I am the Hat!
To receive your freshman class
As I'm placed upon your head, we
Will assign each lad and lass!
Goodness me,
Why, what is that?
SORTING HAT
It was me,
Again the Hat!
CHORUS OF FIRST YEARS
It was again that Hat!
SORTING HAT
You're right, I am that Hat!
Their/Our four dorms are getting ready
To receive our/your freshman class
As he's placed upon our/your head, he
Will assign each lad and lass!
First!
Harry Potter, you're here!
Let us options start weighing
Whence you'll be conveying
For the next seven years.
You've an excellent mind,
Along with drive ambitiously
So go then expeditiously
To join Slyther-ine
Here's what the Hat finds
Because he drives ambitiously
He'll go then expeditiously
To join Slyther-ine
Old Godric's hat, of antique provenance
Oh, Hat, give me no Slytherin-ish career
Your very words jangle with dissonance
Into the deepest ear drums of my ear
Oh, Harry!
He/I humble, poor, and Muggle-raised
No inkling he/I was born magician
But ne'ertheless he is/I am not fazed
To voice these words of opposition.
This exercise of his/my free will
Rejects the dorm in which I'd/you'd toss him/me
He has his/I have my dreams he/I would fulfill
He is/I am a Gryffindor -don't cross him/me!
He is a Gryffindor!
He is a Gryffindor!
For I myself shall sort him
To the place that best comports him,
He shall be a Gryffindor!
He shall be a Gryffindor!
Slytherin, he will not it pick
Nor a Hufflepuffle-or
But through my evaluation
I must make this declaration
He will be a Gryffindor!
He will be a Gryffindor!
Through the Hat's evaluation
It has made its declaration
He will be a Gryffindor!
He will be a Gryffindor!
In sorting through the applications
Of all our new recruits
It gives me little hesitation
In placing Brown or Boot
I do not have the slightest problem
Where Nott or Perks should go
But as far as that kid named Longbottom
Why, Nevvy, I don't know!
Oh!
SORTING HAT
Why, Nevvy, I don't know!
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
Oh!
SORTING HAT
Why, Nevvy, I don't know!
Did you hear him? Did you hear him?
Oh, of talent he is lacking
Let us jeer him - let us jeer him-
Send him packing! Send him packing!
I cannot tell a fib
It seems that I am virtually a Squib
I withdraw then in disgrace
How can I dare my grandmother to now face?
Oh, Hat - one thing- oh, let us please consider
Neville has some tremendous courage showed
Students they grant the right to bring a critter
And Neville defies fashion with his toad
What you say is making sense
Neville may well be placeable
Your resolute defense
Strikes me as quite embraceable
Go, Neville, off the fence,
Flourish like the Hyperborean
Now and forever hence
You are a Gryffindorean
Now and forever hence
He is a Gryffindorean
And it's time to now disclose
If they're for it, we oppose
For I have a great antipathy for Neville's flab
CRABBE & GOYLE And so do his henchmen known as Goyle and as Crabbe
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
And so do his henchmen known as Goyle and as Crabbe
And so do his henchmen known as Goyle and as Crabbe
His henchmen known as Goyle,
Like a serpent see him coil, and as Crabbe!
For we are not Gryffindors!
For they themselves will rue it
When Slyth'rin put them to it!
CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY
For we/they are not Gryffindors!
For we/they are not Gryffindors!
All students new, good evening!
ALL
Sir, good evening!
DUMBLEDORE
I hope you're all quite well
ALL
Quite well; and you, sir?
DUMBLEDORE
I have a seasonable speech, and happy
To say it all once more.
ALL
When do we eat, sir?
Just call me Albus Brian Dumbledore
ALL
We are here to hear you speak
DUMBLEDORE
I'm very, very mad
I say to undergrads
Nitwit, oddment, blubber, tweak
ALL
He's very, very mad
And says to undergrads
Nitwit, oddment, blubber, tweak
DUMBLEDORE
I am held in high esteem
As the leader of the team
That is our faculty
They ascend the hierarchy
Of superb pedagogy
And they're all as true as true can be!
ALL
What, Sevvy?
DUMBLEDORE
Yes, Sevvy!
ALL
Not Sevvy?
DUMBLEDORE
Even Sevvy!
ALL
Ol' Sevvy's true as he can be!
Then give three cheers for Dumbledore
The Hogwarts' Magical Supervisor
Give three cheers for Dumbledore
He's our Magical Supervisor!
I do my best to educate you all-
ALL
So we'll pass our OWLS and NEWTS
DUMBLEDORE
I'm afraid the third floor hall
Must stay out of bounds to all
At the risk of death acute
ALL
He's afraid the third floor hall
Must stay out of bounds to all
At the risk of death acute
DUMBLEDORE
Promotion of Dark Arts
I'll never, never start
Not even if in shades of gray
I'm noble, they all cry,
'Cause I'd never stoop to try
A wicked spell like an AK-
ALL
Did Sever?
DUMBLEDORE
Not ever!
ALL
What, never?
DUMBLEDORE
Well, rarely ever!
ALL
Sevvy rarely casts a dark AK-
Then give three cheers, and not one less
To Albus Dumbledore, our H.M.S.!
Then give three cheers, and not one less
To Dumbledore, our H.M.S.!
Explain, celebrity,
The use of wormwood
Can you define for me
What's meant by monkshood?
For me a bezoar
It's plainly clear to see
That you must read more
Your gross stupidity.
To wholly tame us,
No leeway you deserve
For being famous!
He thinks his name will serve
To wholly tame us,
No leeway he deserves
For being famous!
Proud Snapey, I don't know't
I'm just a young guy!
I have not learned by rote
Your text on fungi!
I will not take such guff
From Harry Potter
Too many harsh rebuffs
Came from your father
Cruel Snapey disappoints!
From me, he takes a point!
I make him see red
The Potions Prof observes
With sheerest hatred.
He's really got his nerve
He makes me see red
I James' son observe
With sheerest hatred!
The use of wormwood
Proud Snapey, I don't know't
I'm just a young guy!
He thinks he'll Potions brew/I could now bezoars brew
With just a wand flick/For I'm his scapegoat
Through him shall I renew/But he shall not subdue
Long-buried conflicts/Me with his Snape gloat
A Quidditch star has a gallant glide
As swift as a Swede Short-Snout
His one and only aim is to finish in the game
With a loud and joyful shout.
His arm is strong and his eye discerns
His flight is free and his spirit burns
He leads his team till the foe's dislodged
And his skull will be cracked if he can't the Bludger dodge.
His arm is strong and his eye discerns
His flight is free and his spirit burns
He leads his team till the foe's dislodged
And his skull will be cracked if he can't the Bludger dodge.
His broom doth blaze with a fiery power
His robes are fresh and crisp
Tis the custom of his breed to continually re-read
Ev'ry book wrote by Kenny Whisp
The Beaters beat and the Chasers score
As the Seeker seeks then he seeks some more
Until the Snitch to his hand is glued
And all of this takes place at a high altitude
The Beaters beat and the Chasers score
As the Seeker seeks then he seeks some more
Until the Snitch to his hand is glued
And all of this takes place at a high altitude
An altitude! An altitude! An altitude!
Can I prevail in my Seekerness
Or fight off all this knee weakerness?
Yet I am now a Gryffindor res'dent
Some say they would have me for pres'dent!
Teammates, ahoy!
It's Lee! It's Lee!
Emcee will he!
Now give us, pray,
Your play-by-play,
Hear what he'll say-
Emcee will he!
The Quaffle goes to Angie J.
She passes it to our Ms. Spinnet
But Flint acts in a mangy way
Through dirty tricks he schemes to win it
Ah, cool one! Ah, cool one!
She scores a goal! Oho! Oho!
(spoken, over music) Jordan!
It's ten to oh, it's ten to oh
Now they are hit! Wood makes the save!
Marcus responds with his worst blow
Ol' Slytherin's players are but knaves
(spoken, over music) Jordan!
But they shall not defeat us! No, no!
Now he is hit, his plight is grave
Young Harry P. to woe will go
The Gryffindors may think him brave
He soon must fall - look out below!
Bludgers are blocked! Goal posts are near!
Now Johnson clears the field ahead!
Give our Bell lion-hearted cheers
This time we'll be the victors, instead!
My friends, loss of control he's finding,
Too high is Harry's broomstick climbing;
When he is gone, oh, prithee tell
His team that, when he died, quite far he fell!
Of broom, alas, control he's losing,
For ah! He's headed for a bruising
This deed past Snape we cannot put
So let's give, me to him, a red hotfoot
Rejoice, oh, teammates all
Our Harry now has fought it-
Not to the earth he'll fall!
Ah! ennagame - Icautit!
Ah! Ennagame - icautit?
Caught it?
Caught it?
Yes, yes - ah, yes, he caught it!
Hooray!
Oh joy, the capture of the Snitch
We now shall praise in perfect pitch
That Slytherin has been bought low
Our record now is one and oh
Harry's won the contest!
As we delight McGonagall
The House Cup we will win this year
Though Slytherin may shed a tear,
They'll learn that we're the best
He thinks in skill he's over rich
Due to his winning in Quidditch
He does not see his foulest foe
Is working hard to bring him low
And that makes me depressed
I've saved him from a broken skull
Through magic methods bright or black
I'll battle off ev'ry attack
Upon that worthless pest
Oh joy, the capture of the Snitch
We now shall praise in perfect pitch
For Slytherin has been bought low
Our record now is one and oh
Harry's won the contest!
RON Did Sevvy Snape
HARRY An evil jinx
HERMIONE Place in your way
RON Narrow escape
HARRY Right from the brink
HERMIONE A dog stands guard
HARRY He watches what?
RON In Snapey steals
HERMIONE He gets bit hard
HARRY What is his plot?
RON What is the deal?
TRIO & GQT This very day, etc.
Forbear, ev'ry misgiving you must ban
He is a teacher - Dumble's right-hand man
MYOB you had all better damn well
Ask not of Fluffy nor of Nicky Flamel
Speak, Hagrid, speak
You must tell!
Speak, Hagrid, speak
Who's Flamel?
Now it was merely a slip of tongue -
To know this stuff you're far too young
Of Nicky F. and of Dumbledore
And Fluffy of the canine roar
Fla, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Fla, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Fla, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Flamel.
Fla, la, la, la, la, Flamel, etc
Though it may have been a slip of tongue
A brand new clue upon us sprung
Of Nicky F. and of Dumbledore
And Fluffy of the canine roar
For the kid with scar has a single goal
He shares with his two allies
We've pledged that we'll detect what the thing is they protect
Keeping it safe from bad guys
Our lips are stiff in their upper part
We have become a team
In unity of will we experience a thrill
Focusing like a laser beam
We'll play the flute and the dog make snore
We'll burn the vine and we'll snatch the key
And we'll solve each puzzle that they pose us logically
We'll play the game though we start as pawns
We'll cross the board through a Knight's gambit
In other words, we're gonna do the whole damn bit!
Mrs. Norris?....Mrs. Norris, my sweet?..
Here are things I've seldom seen
In this mirror they convene
Mum and Dad and many others
A whole family tree of Potters
See them all.
What I see fills me with joy
I'm depicted as Head Boy
Holding house and Quidditch cup
Ev'ry brother I've shown up
Bighead me.
Should we head back to our dorm?
See approach a feline form
Filch would raise an awful storm
If Norris were to inform
We hate that
Stupid cat
By the armor - by the armor
Here to see my/his kin reviving,
They're all charmers - they're all charmers
I/He see(s) his late Mum appear, her
Love and beauty draw me/him nearer
That's correct
We reflect.
What in the glass you're discerning
Is your sad heart's deepest yearning
Happy man who peered inside
Would take what he saw in stride
HARRY & RON
He would see
Only he
You raised without love's support
Now finds parental escort
Ron sees himself as Head Boy
Just think what would greet Malfoy
HARRY & RON
Pleasant thought
That is not
Now my actions I must quicken
Find a hiding place to stick in
So mirror from view is stricken
Which should help the plot to thicken
HARRY
One more look
Then it's took.
What we see in simulation
Isn't real - isn't real
It's a magic presentation
Of ideals - our ideals
Gazing in a magic mirror
Though its images grow clearer
Could exact a price much dearer
Do not mock
I saw socks!
Gazing in a magic mirror (Isn't real - isn't real)
Though its images grow clearer
Could exact a price much dearer (Of ideals - our ideals)
We won't mock
He saw socks!
Kind Neville gives important information,
Sing hey, the bossy Know-It-All you are,
We find a certain Dumble revelation,
Sing hey, it's Nicky Flamel on his card.
The tricky Nicky Flamel
The tricky Nicky Flamel
The tricky Nicky Flamel on the card.
Brave Harry, through an ancient text I'm searching
Sing hey, you headstrong Seeker who has flown;
It seems the thing that Nicky was researching
Was, hey, the Philosophic famous stone
The lofty Philosophic
The lofty Philosophic
The lofty Philosophic famous stone
Smart Hermy, this old volume is a-stating
Sing hey, the Stone eternal life supplies
It very may well be that Snape is waiting
To be a Sevvy Snape who cannot die
An ever-clever Sever
An ever-clever Sever
An ever-clever Severus who cannot die
Sing hey, the six-eyed watchdog stands alert
The progress of the thief he is retarding
And that's how Snapey's skinny leg got hurt
The thin & skinny Snapey
The thin & skinny Snapey's leg got hurt
The planets shine on in space
My centaur soul is stirring
With each portent in place
The crisis is occurring
The scale of it's nothing less than stellar
All of which doth involve that Potter feller
Such as Aldebaran and glad Arcturus,
Rigel, bright Betelgeuse and Archenar
All of whom a thriving future ensure us.
We of Capella sing, and the glorious Pleiades
And all of them other heaven-ly bodies.
Now skyward warn with Acrux and Becrux glaring
Polaris burns with transgalactic gloom
And Bellatrix is Regulus a-scaring
With dismal auguries from Alpha Centauri -
All seen too plainly by the naked Centaur eye
Accurséd and depraved
Condemned to live in damnéd form
With no hope to be saved, with no hope to be saved
Her blood is only drank by those
With nothing more to lose
His ID I will now disclose
We call him "You-Know-Whose"
We'll now disclose, he's "You-Know-Whose!"
But he need not his crime atone
If he can only grab the Stone.
Despite all of my great acuity
I see there is yet ambiguity
I see there is yet ambiguity
Oh, star of Mars and star of Venus, say
What destiny shall this young lad essay?
Accurséd and depraved
Her blood is only drank by those
With nothing more to lose
His ID I will now disclose
We call him "You-Know-Whose"
We'll now disclose, he's "You-Know-Whose"
Oh, star of Mars and star of Venus, say
What destiny shall this young lad essay?,
Star of Mars and star of Venus, star of Mars and star of Venus, say
What shall this young lad essay?,
Oh, star of Mars and star of Venus, say
Oh, star of Mars and star of Venus, say
What destiny shall this young lad essay, young lad essay
Shall this young lad, this lad essay?
Quirrell, the stone
Bring me to life, Quirrell
Do not postpone
This deed so I can get well
I'll get the stone.
Or my name ain't Quirrell!
I won't postpone
This deed so you can get well
Alone, alone
Lost in an Albanian hell
Though he's a drone
And dunce, I must use Quirrell
Until I'm/he's cloned
I/He simply can not cast a spell
Anxious my tone
Awaiting that boy's death knell
How he will groan
Once he's trapped in our roach motel
You'll seize the throne
And won't it be really swell?
Quirrell, the stone
Bring me/him to life, Quirrell
Do not postpone
This deed so I/he can get well
Such pain and such distress
Don't ever play McGonagall in chess
Through the maze went us three guys
Even though we're all of us pint-size
It's wonderful, those three face their demise!
Hold! Ere upon this song
We all digress,
A divergence from the book
I must protest!