Theory Bay

Shirley Temple-Snape

On the good ship LOLLIPOPS, it's not always such a nice trip....

Image © 2004 Red Scharlach

Copyright 2002-2003 by Caius Marcius except Floatin' Out in Theory Bay and We're All Evil Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Lily's Emerald Eyes Copyright 2001 by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named; I'm Called Mrs. Norris Copyright 2002 by Eloise; On The Good Ship LOLLIPOPS Copyright 2002 by Tabouli; Cho Was Ever So, Does Anybody Have A Theory?, I'm Always Scheming, Theory of the Seventh Son and Who Else? Copyright 2002 by Gail;Hogwarts Dream Rhapsody Copyright 2002 by Pip; Potter Fans Copyright 2002 by Gail and Lilac; One Day More at the Royal George Copyright 2002 by Eileen; My Lord Copyright 2002 by Eloise; Evil!Hermione Copyright 2003 by Ginger; The Real Thing and Trust DISHWASHER Copyright 2003 by Meg D.; I Am Dumbledore Copyright 2003 by Anne Urbanski; Riding the Fence Copyright 2003 by Jonathan Pessin; Teenage D.E. Copyright 2003 by Catherine McK; Death Row Tango Copyright 2003 by Kirstini; What a Wonderful Bay Copyright 2003 by Cindy

TBAY has never quite recovered its fecund inventiveness in the aftermath of Book Five's release in 2003, and the release of Book Six has further restricted the range of its inspired hearsay. But the brilliant if not-always-accurate utterances of TBAY will always have a place in our hearts. Please consult Hypothetic Alley for in-depth survey of the sundry vessels that were once afloat on Theory Bay (although most of these vessels have sunk to Davy Jones' locker, a few of them, such as CHOP and PASHMINAS, display a seaworthy prophetic prowess that Fierenze himself might envy).

It should also be noted that authorship of a TBAY filk does not necessarily consitute an endorsement of the particular theory involved: indeed, Mariner's We're All Evil may be taken as a reductio ad absurdem of all such paranoid speculation.

A filk by Lilac and Gail to the tune of Billy Joel's Piano Man

The night wore on. The crowd started to thin. A few stragglers were left, hunched over their drinks, voices slurred. George, behind the bar, was counting the money from the drawer, a huge smile on his face.

In the corner of the room, on a low stage, Gail sat at an old upright piano, looking out at the bar and polishing off the remaining peanuts in her dish. Beside her, Lilac stood, sipping her butterbeer and mused, "What an evening."

"Man, everybody was here," Gail said, speaking with her mouth full.

"They'll be talking about this one for a while," Lilac said. She was watching a grumbling busboy who was still wiping ketchup from the walls.

"Like the Who's Who of TBAY."

Lilac glanced down at her watch, little planets moving around the edge. "It's half past Jupiter," she said, finishing off her drink, "You know we have one more set to play before we can call it a night."

"I ain't playing any more show tunes," Gail said, flatly as she stuffed her sheet music for Cabaret and Les Miserables into her satchel.

"Hey! How about that one number we've just been working on together?"

"Oh yeah! Perfect."

"Let's do it," Lilac said, pulling a harmonica from her pocket as Gail swiveled around and placed her fingers upon the piano keys.

*******************************************************

Another evening here at George's bar
And the pub is filled to the rim
There's Elkins here sitting next to me
On her face, a nostalgic grin

She asks, "Do you remember this theory?
It was written a long time ago
It supports what I say, it was here on TBAY
And I'm sure it was one of my posts..."

La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Tell us your theories, you Potter fans
Postulate all through the night
Well, we're all in the mood for conspiracies
But quick! Before we get Book Five

Cindy of the Big Bang Destroyer
Is discussing her latest theory
She's starting to think, while sipping her drink
As she sits beside Lucky_kari

She says, "Snape, I believe, will be killing soon
Which will only prove his loyalty
Now everyone here is a-wondering
Who is it going to be?"

Oh La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Now, Grey Wolf's a DISHWASHER theorist
Who stays at the Safe House with Pip!
And George the Snape Theory, he still has a query
'Bout how MAGIC DISHWASHER fits

There's Dicey the Sirius Apologist
Along with the Harry that's Stoned!
And Pippin's with her PRESSURE COOKER
And the SHIPPERS are talkin' hormones

Tell us your theories, you Potter fans
Postulate all through the night
Well, we're all in the mood for conspiracies
But quick! Before we get Book Five

It's a pretty large crowd, for a TBAY
I've never seen it so crowded before
'Cause they've heard that for sure the big storm is closer
So they know exactly what's in store

And the sound of can(n)ons is tumultuous
All across this fantasy land
But Hurricane Jo is coming soon so
Lets have our fun while we can

Oh La la la, de de da
La la, de de da da da

Tell us your theories, you Potter fans
Postulate all through the night
Well, we're all in the mood for conspiracies
But quick! Before we get Book Five

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay by Otis Redding

Rafts and kayaks, ships and boats,
We'll be boardin' anything that floats.
Watchin' the theories grow;
What the next one will be, we don't know.
Yea,
We're floatin' out in Theory Bay,
Watchin' the Can(n)ons fire away.
Oooh
We're just floatin' out in Theory Bay
Till Book Five.

Who was kissin' Florence
That time when Bertha spied?
Will Ron ever turn on Harry?
Did Snape switch sides when the Potters died?
We're all just stuck here floatin' out in Theory Bay,
Watching the Can(n)ons fire away.
Oooh
We're floatin' out in Theory Bay
Till Book Five.

Phoenix isn't comin' out.
No word from Scholastic Press.
We don't know the way that the plot's gonna go,
So all we can do is guess.
Yes
Floatin' here, tradin' quips,
Watchin' George hop from ship to ship.
Yes
Pullin' the flamingoes' tails,
Drapin' FEATHERBOAS o'er the rails.
We're all just floatin' out in Theory Bay,
Watching the Can(n)ons fire away.
Oooh,
Floatin' out in Theory Bay,
Till Book Five.

Dedicated to Revato who asked this question, and to those who answered her; Joel, Martha and Jazmyn. See! I do pay attention to these things! :)>

HP4G LISTEE (Thinking to herself):
I wonder if this has already been discussed?
I wonder if anybody's going to reply?

She sits at her computer and starts typing

Hi there!
Does anybody have a theory
About Peeves the Poltergeist? whoa, oh, oh

Ghost or,
Perhaps psychic energy
From students collectively
Of Hogwarts school

Not the
Revenant of anything
That was actually living, whoa, oh, oh

Emotions
Manifested physically
Resulting in our friend Peeves
It certainly makes sense

What do you think of my analysis?
Does anyone have thoughts on this?

Hi there!
Does anybody have a theory
About Peeves the Poltergeist? whoa, oh, oh

Ghost or,
Perhaps psychic energy
From students collectively
Of Hogwarts school

The LISTEE presses the "Send" button

This filk is dedicated to Lilac who came up with the theory, and Nicole who came up with the wonderful acronym, CONNIVING CHICK'S REVENGE (Crazy Overlord Notices Nice, Innocent Victim In Noxious Grief, Chides Her Into Choosing Killing, Serving Ruthless Evil Voldemort's Especial Need to Get Even) whew..what a mouthful!

CHO CHANG:
My friends all call me Cho
Nobody really knows
The special role I'm playing

My house is Ravenclaw
I'm an excellent seeker
Ohh, what they're saying

But there may come a day
When Harry I'll betray
Because of the death of Cedric

At the end of the show
They say, "Cho was ever so
Just because she's lovesick".

I'm so sad 'bout Cedric
Nobody cares but me, nobody cares but me.

I'm so mad at Harry
Mad at Harry, mad at Harry
Won't some Dark Lord take advantage of me
'Coz I'm feeling bad?

A MAGIC DISHWASHER filk to the tune of Matchmaker, Matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof

THE SCENE: Office of the Headmaster. DUMBLEDORE has borrowed the mysterious MAGIC DISHWASHER from the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office (courtesy of his old friend Arthur Weasley), and - after adding a half cup of powdered Cascade - chants the solemn and potent invocation printed below to unleash its irresistible force.

DUMBLEDORE:
DISHWASHER, DISHWASHER, grant me my wish
Make Voldemort sleep with the fish
DISHWASHER, DISHWASHER, screen me a scene
How to re-bod him, capiche?

DISHWASHER, DISHWASHER, name me a hex
Spy me a game ultra-complex
Cue Rubik's Cube, and some Rube L. Goldberg
With a dash of Spielberg.

That Peter, let him escape here
Through Harry, who will spare him from harm
And to the Shack I'll send Snape here
Who'll be blustering with bogus alarm

DISHWASHER, DISHWASHER, plot I now hatch
Potion he'll brew, Dark Lord I'll catch
Take away every choice but Daddy's bone
So he then can be overthrown!

A MAGIC DISHWASHER filk by Gail to the tune of I'm Only Sleeping by the Beatles (from their Revolver album)

VOLDEMORT (DUMBLEDORE):
Getting ready for a confrontation
Making my preparations
With my faithful servant at Hogwarts
All his plans I will thwart (I will thwart)

A terrorist war 'gainst Dumbledore
He will lose because
I'm always scheming

DUMBLEDORE (VOLDEMORT):
Don't be fooled by my eccentric manner
Behind this smile I'm a planner
Organizing things behind the scenes
Things are not as they seem (As they seem)

We tricked Voldemort; the potion's flawed
Can't let him win so
I'm always scheming

BOTH (singing together in harmony)
Keeping an eye on the enemy's every movement

VOLDEMORT:
Sending out spies

BOTH:
Gathering all sorts of information
Making our calculations
We can't decide what's truth or lies
'Cause the other side
Is always scheming
Keeping an eye on the enemy's every movement

DUMBLEDORE:
Reading the signs
Anticipating what's his strategy
All is done secretly

VOLDEMORT (DUMBLEDORE):
The taste of victory it will be sweet
When I cause his defeat (His defeat)

BOTH:
It's a deadly game we both are playin'
Where knowledge is power
We're always scheming

Post 39662 on HP4GU
Though some said, "Hey, it sounds fishy to me"
The theory we read prompted many a thread
And made TBAY grow even more roomy
Secret plots Dumbledore hatched to halt Voldemort
That's the MAGIC DISHWASHER in essence
Al said, "Pettigrew, let the dirty rat through,
And Voldy goes into obsolescence"

It started when Pip let a new theory rip
And made Spy Game into a hard science
Then the Wolf who is Grey leapt right into the fray
With his metaphor of an appliance
Since with TBAY the rule (if you want to be cool)
Is to dub your theory with initials
The Ancient Mariner had the wit to confer
The acronym that's now official

The Vaporized!Voldy kept on rattling around
Dumbledore said, "Some day we must face him.
But when he returns, let it be on my terms
Then once and for all I'll erase him.
We'll beat Voldemort in a shadowy war,
Information our ultimate weapon.
A bodyguard of lies will keep our Truths disguised
On this outcome I shall stake my rep on!

"Hagrid, once detained in the prison, explained
Azkaban proved to be full of blabbers.
A rumor he heard (though it sounded absurd)
That Pete Pettigrew lived on as Scabbers.
When Sirius escaped I made plans then with Snape
A complex intricate agenda:
Pete, Harry & Black would all meet in the Shack
With Snape serving as secret defender

"The plan may sound callous but there's no trace of malice
Young Harry can deal with strife yet -
He shall use no curse, he'll show splendid mercy
And place Pettigrew deeply in life-debt......"
So it more or less went, though Black was innocent.
And poor Snape took a blow to his noggin
But he still kept discrete on the exit of Pete
And with Fudge indulged in some hot-doggin'

So Voldy with blood and with flesh and with bone
Was revived with a poison-pill potion
When a Potter blood-mix the Dark Lord made his fix,
Dumble's eyes glowed with noble emotion.
Now, will Smart!Voldemort battle 'gainst Dumbledore?
Will we next see a Spying Game sequel?
Can we all get a link if we just metathink?
Or just wait til in Book Five to peek well?

In a scary safe house on a part of TBAY
Where the silent conspirators hush her
In a kitchen installed the appliance that's called
Our grand theory the MAGIC DISHWASHER
Post 39662 on HP4GU
Though some said, "Hey, it sounds fishy to me"
The theory we read prompted many a thread
And made TBAY grow even more roomy.........

A MAGIC DISHWASHER filk by Meg D. to the tune of Soul Man

"Coming to ya'
Down Damascus Road.
Conspiracies, we got truckload
And when you think it, you want some.
But don't you worry cause Book Five's coming.

I trust DISHWASHER.
Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah
I trust DISHWASHER.
Dum, Dum, Dum, Dumn

Got what we thought the hard way
Making it better each and every day
So honey don't you fret
Cause you ain't seen nothing yet
I trust DISHWASHER.

Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah
I trust DISHWASHER.
Dum, Dum, Dum, Dumn

Listen
We were brought up on different streets
But in Theory Bay, we all meet
We come together with good thoughts
When we get started, we just can't stop

I trust DISHWASHER.
Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah
I trust DISHWASHER.
Dum, Dum, Dum, Dumn

We'll grab a theory
And hold on tight
Keep on thinking
'Cause the Dumbledore's got the best spies
Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah
Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum

A MAGIC DISHWASHER filk by Meg D. to the tune of The Real Thing (the Coca-Cola Song)

We'd like to tell you all about our DISHWASHER theory.
Of love and tears and Dumbledore's fears,
For spies all are we.

Our Theory's built with canon and love,
In hopes that we will see,
DISHWASHER's true through all Harry's years
And all eternity.

We DISHWASHER spies would like to sing
Of this great theory
We'd like for you join us too
And keep us company

That's the song we sing
What you're hoping to find
In the back of your mind
DISHWASHER's the real thing.

A LOLLIPOPS filk by Tabouli to the tune of On The Good Ship Lollipop as sung by Shirley Temple in the 1934 movie Bright Eyes

Snape was a greasy boy
Cooler boys liked to shame,
Sirius made a ploy
To mock him, but who came?

Lily, who told Black why
Bullying's always wrong
She was so strong all along
and Snape heard her song.

CHORUS
On the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS
Where the big chip on Snape's shoulder props
Up a world of sighs
For a lovely girl with emerald eyes.

Severus pined, sadly spurned
Ever maligned, so he turned
To Voldemort
Took his pain out in an evil war

But his conscience stirred when one day he heard
Of the big bad Dark Lord's new plan
To enlist his help (Ooh! Ooh!)
To kill off Lily's son and man!

CHORUS
On the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS
It's a short trip to the Hogsmeade shops
Where Snape made his way
To ask Dumbledore to let him stay.

Severus spied on the plot,
Voldemort vied, and he got
In a rat who did
All he could to find where they were hid.

Snape contained the foe for a year or so
But the big bad Dark Lord came through
He killed James and then (Ooh! Ooh!)
He then slew lovely Lily too!

CHORUS
On the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS
There's a young snip wearing hair that flops
In those emerald eyes
That Snape loves to taunt and demonise!

SNAPE
Strangely quiet, but now the storm
Simply rests to strike again
Standing, waiting, I think of her
I think of her

Strange, this Harry, he leaves the room
Yet remains, she lingers on
Something stirs me to think of her
I think of her

From death she casts her spell
All night I hear her sighs
And now a boy has come
Who has her eyes

He has her eyes
The boy has Lily's emerald eyes
Those eyes that saw him happy long ago
Those eyes that gave him life
And hope I've never known
How can I see the boy
And miss those emerald eyes

He has her eyes
He has my Lily's emerald eyes
Those eyes that loved James Potter - never me
Those eyes that never saw me
Never knew I longed
To hold her close
To live at last in Lily's eyes

Imagine me, a lover
I longed for the day
She'd turn and see me standing there
Would God had let her stay

She has my Lily's emerald eyes
Those eyes that first I
loved so long ago
How can I now forget
That once I dared to be
In love, alive and whole
In Lily's eyes
In Lily's eyes.

A filk by Catherine McK to the tune of Teenage Dirtbag, by Wheatus

The teenaged Snape sits in a corner of the Slytherin Common Room. His school robes look as much like a trenchcoat as safety pins and spellotape can make them, his tie is a strangled knot three inches below his collar in this year's "Hogwarts rebel" fashion. A signed-up member of the disdainful, sneering, Dark Arts loving, grudge-bearing Slytherin crowd...but he's got a secret. In a corner of his bitter And twisted heart a little flame burns with hopeless, tragic passion. He checks to see that he's alone, picks up the imaginary microphone, and starts to sing.

SNAPE
Her name is Lily
I have a dream about her
Know she's for me
Though she's a Gryffindor
I've got no qualms
Watching her Charms
But she doesn't know who I am
And she doesn't give a damn about me

SNAPE leaps out of his seat, twists his face in tormented rocker expression and screams

Cuz I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Yeah, I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Come on and learn the Dark Arts, baby, with me

Her boyfriend's a berk,
He and his gang of four
Wish I could curse
Them all, but there's Dumbledore
He's on their side -
Such an easy ride -
Wish I was one of those guys
Imagine the look in her eyes!

Cuz I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Yeah, I'm just a teenage D.E., baby
Come on and learn the Dark Arts, baby, with me
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort

It's the Quidditch Cup
Gryffindor's won again
She's getting up
Walkin' right past the team
Is it a dare
But look at them stare
Seems that she knows who I am
But why does she give a damn about me?

Everyone's down by the Quidditch pitch, when suddenly through the Gryffindor and Slytherin teams and their massed fans a figure comes walking, a vision in black patent leather buckled shoes and virgin socks. Yes, it's Lily Evans. The crowds part before her as she flips back her long red hair, pulls a big stripy lollipop out of her mouth and beckons to the gobsmacked Snape

LILY
I've always wanted to learn the Dark Arts, baby
Wouldn't you like to teach me, maybe
I'm just a teenage D.E. baby, like you, ooh
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort
Ooh yeah, D.E.
Yeah, I'm gonna join Voldemort

NOTE: This filk appeared at the end of an extended TBAY dialogue on the "Snape as Killer" hypothesis. I saw the reissue of Cabaret at the cinema the other night and had an insantaneous vision of Severus singing Mein Herr.

SNAPE:
In trusting me you make a great mistake,
My Lord.
Though I'm a Slytherin, I'm not a snake,
My Lord.
My loyalty to you is now a fake,
My Lord.
So I do...
What I do...
When I'm through...
Then I'm through...
And I'm through...
Toddle-oo!

So it's goodbye, My Lord.
I've left you now, My Lord.
Served of my own accord,
But now I'm going.
Though you I once adored
My past I now deplore,
I'm better off without you,
My Lord.

Don't look too close, My Lord
Can't be exposed, My Lord
I've told you I'm your faithful double-agent.
Please don't suspect me now
You mustn't guess just how
Much reason you've to doubt me,
My Lord.

The world of sorcery and magic's wide,
My Lord.
Diagon'lly, up and down, and side to side,
My Lord.
But from you I would find no place to hide,
My Lord.
So I do...
What I can...
Brew by brew
Spell by spell
Curse by curse
Not your man.

So it's goodbye, My Lord,
I've left you now, My Lord,
Served of my own accord,
But now I'm going.
Though you I once adored
Now I'm with Dumbledore
I'm better off without you, My Lord.

SNAPE & CHORUS OF SNAPE-FANSbr> Don't look too close, My Lord,
Can't be exposed, My Lord,
I've told you I'm your faithful double-agent.
Please don't suspect me now,
You mustn't guess just how
Much reason you've to doubt me,
My Lord.

A TEWW EWWW to be TREEW filk to the tune of Can't Take My Eyes Off of You by Frankie Valli

THE SCENE: The Safe House. The usual TBAY crowd is once again debating LOLLIPOPS

MARINA
It's just TEWW EWWWWW to be TREEW
A giant cauldron of goo
To portray Snape with a crush
Will turn Book Five into mush
Severus all romantic
Will make each tummy get sick
It's just TEWW EWWWWW to be TREEW
LOLLIPOPS should be taboo

TABOULI
The LOLLIPOPS that's I've forged
Is quite congruent with George
It readily underlies
Theories like The Prince of Lies
I'd rather see Snape seduced
Than slurp down more Polyjuice
It won't be EWWW if it's true
Just count on Jo to pull through

Suddenly a spotlight reveals what appears to be SEVERUS SNAPE himself, in black robes, with a pale lily pinned to his chest. On closer examination, it proves to be a Hypothetic!Snape (transfigured from a pincushion), who bursts into song.

HYPOTHETIC!SNAPE
I need you Lily, I was a total Geek
I need you Lily, I was a Dark Arts freak
I want you Lily, for those green eyes I pine
Oh, Lily baby I couldn't make you mine
Oh, Lily baby, DE-hood I resigned
Now let me save you, oh Lily, let me save you, oh Lilly

CINDYSPHINX
It's just TEWW EWWWWW to be TREEW
LOLLIPOPS please say adieu
You made Snape Voldy's ally
Till he said, "Jimmy must die!"
Snape by true love is redeemed
Now ain't that kind of extreme?
But what is even more EWWW
Is the Dark Lord smitten, too

Anther spotlight reveals LORD VOLDEMORT, who proves to be another Hypothetical Construct.

HYPOTHETIC!VOLDEMORT
I want you, Lily, oh, you're my ingénue
Straight from the sewer because it's truly EWWW
I want your baby, panic hard in dismay
That Potter baby could bring me down they say
That Potter baby, let's do it Herod's way
And let me love you, oh lady, and then kill your baby….

Hypothetical!VOLDEMORT and Hypothetical!SNAPE join together for the big finish.

VOLDEMORT & SNAPE
We want you, Lily, please be my ingénue
Straight from the sewer because it's truly EWWW

VOLDEMORT
I want your baby, I count on his demise

SNAPE
Oh, Lily, baby, for you I'm turning spy
But, Lily, baby, I've got to say goodbye

VOLDEMORT & SNAPE
'Cause now I've/he's killed you oh Lilly. now I've/he's killed you, oh, Lilly……..

HYPOTHETIC!VOLDEMORT prepares to kill the Hypothetic Harry toddler. Black-out. Standing O from TBAY. The principals take their bows on a stage knee-deep in FEATHERBOAS.

A Big Bang filk to the tune of Duke Ellington's It Don't Mean a Thing (If it Ain't Got That Swing)

It don't mean a thang if it's lacking in Bang
Lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos,
Lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos

Jo Rowling insists on decisive plot twists
Lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos,
Lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos

If your theory is too dreary or sedate
We'll pack it up and toss it in a crate

Draco toward Mudbloods is what we think of Duds
Lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos,
Lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos, lu-mos

A REDHEAD ALWAYS filk by Anne Urbanski to the tune of I'm My Own Grandpa by Guy Lombardo

Dedicated to the perpetrators of REDHEAD ALWAYS, who have convinced themselves that Ron is/was/ and/or will be Dumbledore.

RON, HARRY and HERMIONE explain it all .. ;-)

RON:
It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so,
I am Dumbledore

I am Dumbledore
I am Dumbledore
It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so,
I am Dumbledore

Although I'm only fifteen, I am also one-fifty
For a few years in the future, I'll go back so I can see
Just what a boy like me can do to help his friend Harry
So I'll pilfer the Time Turner without telling Her-mi-nee

I really only wanted to go back to Riddle's house
To help Harry warn Tom's granddad that his grandson is a louse
But somehow I went back too far and landed on my head
On top of the real Dumbledore and that's how he got dead

HARRY & HERMIONE
So now he's Dumbledore
Now he's Dumbledore
It seems funny, we know, but it really is so,
Ron is Dumbledore

RON
I wondered how I'd pass myself off to his family
But Albus was a redhead too, a redhead just like me
And both of us were tall and thin and had a crooked nose
So turning into Dumbledore was easy, I suppose

I brought with me my knowledge of more modern charms and spells
Which helped me gain apprenticeship with Nicholas Flamel
He taught me alchemy and that great knowledge I did hone
Until, one day, we invented the Philosopher's Stone

At Hogwarts School I taught both Molly and Arthur Weasley
Back before they got married and gave birth to little me
It kind of freaked me out when they got married, for I knew
That one day I would be both their son and Headmaster too

So now when I see Albus I must ask, "Is that guy me?"
The guy with bright blue eyes and half-moon spectacles, you see,
Or could I really be just Ron, young Harry's truest friend?
I guess we really can't be sure till Harry's saga ends.

HARRY & HERMIONE
So Ron is Dumbledore
Ron is Dumbledore
It seems funny, we know, but some think that it's so,
That Ron is Dumbledore

RON
I am Dumbledore...
Or am I Dumbledore?
It's a theory that grows like Pinocchio's nose
I am Dumbledore

Secret!Arthur Man

To the tune of Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers

Inspired by HP4GU threads on Operative!Arthur

THE SCENE: The Burrow. Enter MOLLY WEASLEY

MOLLY
Dumbledore asked me if he would step in
That man who is the Aurors' secret weapon
His station may not seem high
But he's the Operative!guy
When Malfoy got mouthy, he swiftly leapt in

Secret!Arthur man, Secret!Arthur man
Meet He-Who-Is-Impeccable straight from the Weasley clan

Though you may think his job's to defang tea sets
His true task is to fight the Dark Lord's key threats
Fudge may try to hold him back
But through M-O-M contacts
He's gonna make ev'ry Death Eater see sweat

Secret!Arthur man, Secret!Arthur man
He's the artful bangy wizard with a CLOAKANDDAGGER plan

Some folks claim he fell beneath Imperius
Oh, really now, they surely can't be serious!
One woman controls his will
And I concede to no rival
TBAYers must not try not to over-theory us

Secret!Arthur man, he is Molly's!man
I treat him like an earl for he knows I'm his Queen Anne!

A FLIRTIAC filk by Eloise to the tune of I'm Called Little Buttercup, from Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore.

MRS. NORRIS
I'm called Mrs.. Norris - just Mrs. Norris,
Nobody ever knows why
But still I'm called Norris - just Mrs. Norris,
Plain Mrs. Norris I !

I'm grey and skeletal - the people I meet all
Think I'm just a scrawny old cat;
But I have a history - I'm really a mystery
My name is a pointer to that.

Am I Filch's lover, though sworn to another?
Am I only feline since cursed?
Did Argus' devotion and Kittygro Potion
Transform me so I can't reverse?

I'm called Mrs. Norris - just Mrs. Norris,
One day you'll surely know why
You don't know my first name, but only my spouse's name,
Filch's cursed sweetheart am I!

A TOADKEEPER II filk to the tune of The Ballad of Sweeney Todd, from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd

THE SCENE: The Chamber of Secrets, bathed in darkness. Enter TOM RIDDLE

RIDDLE
Attend the tale of Trevor Toad
He took a dark and a wicked road
He allied himself with Neville L.
And guided that child then straight down to Hell
So gather now to sing this ode
To Trevor Toad
The Demon Wart-Toad of Hogwarts

Enter LUCIUS MALFOY

MALFOY
He may be an amphibian
But he belongs in Azkaban
For no Dark Lord was half as bad
And no evil wizard was as hopping mad
As Trevor
As Trevor Toad
The Demon Wart-Toad of Hogwarts

Light suddenly floods the Chamber revealing a CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS

CHORUS
Zap your bug tongue fast, Trevor!
Gobble all the flies!
Spring your plot and that whole lot
Soon will demise!

Enter BARTY CROUCH JR.

BARTY CROUCH JR.
They all said hop-toads were un-chic
They were not sold in posh boutiques
So Trevor swore that they'd all pay
And everyone rued until their dying day
That they had ever dared to goad
Our Trevor Toad
The Demon Wart-Toad of Hogwarts

SEMI-CHORUS I
Neville thinks that Trevor is lost
Neville doesn't know he's double-crossed
Trevor's in gear, Trevor is pumping
Trevor will get the whole joint jumping

SEMI-CHORUS II
Trevor knows to avoid each FLINT
Trevor isn't made of peppermint
Trevor is hatching, Trevor is nesting
Eggs of a chicken, the rest you'll be guessing

TRIO & FULL CHORUS (increasingly cacaphanous)
Trevor is hatching, Trevor is nesting
Eggs of a chicken, the rest you'll be guessing
Neville thinks that Trevor is lost
Neville doesn't know he's double-crossed

By Trevor!
Trevor!
Trevor!
Treeeee-vooooor!

Enter TREVOR TOAD in an antique motorcar, with a gigantic basilisk on the passenger seat. TREVOR steps menacingly forward, removing his goggles

TREVOR & CHORUS (antiphonally)
Attend the tale of Trevor Toad
He hatched an egg that growed and growed

TREVOR
To seek revenge can be a risk
But not too great when you have a basilisk
Like Trevor

TREVOR & CHORUS
Like Trevor Toad
The Demon Wart-Toad of Hog…….warts!

TREVOR imperiously dispatches his minions to execute their assigned dark deeds

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Take it Easy by The Eagles

Dedicated to all members of the Order of the Flying Hedgehog

Scene: A clearing in the Forbidden Forest. Enter DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL, LUPIN, BLACK & ARABELLA FIGG, all wearing Death Eater outfits. A swarm of flying hedgehogs circles over their heads as they begin to sing.

Well, we aren't what we seem, hatching sinister schemes,
You never know what we might do.
Slinking after Potter, that nasty little rotter,
Gonna hand him off to You-Know-Who.
We're all evil! We're all evil!
Our benevolent facades are quite deceptive.
If you're smart, you will beware,
Watch for hedgehogs in the air,
We're prepared to kill the spare, 'cause we're all evil!

Harry never spots our underhanded plots,
We've got that kid completely fooled.
He thinks he's on the ball, but he's headed for a fall,
He'll never live to finish school.
We'll betray him! We'll AK him!
The Boy Who Lived is going down, there's no question.
When the moment finally comes
For him to join his Dad and Mum,
Won't he feel supremely dumb to find out we're evil!

Well, we aren't what we seem, hatching sinister schemes,
You never know when we'll attack.
Any time you see a hedgehog up a tree,
You know you'd better watch your back.
We're all evil! We're all evil!
Our benevolent facades are quite deceptive.
We'll betray him! We'll AK him!
The Boy Who Lived is going down, there's no question.
Because we're all evil,
Ever so evil!

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Lady Madonna by the Beatles

Disclaimer: I do not think in any way that Hermione is evil. This is just kind of one of those things that pops into your head after you read Rita Skeeter. Please read it "tongue in cheek" and if anyone is bothered by it, I'll eat a ton-tongue toffee first.

Evil!Hermione, SHIPpers get no rest.
All your thoughts and actions they put to the test.
Evil!Hermione; Harry, Ron, and Krum.
Guess you've passed the age where you think boys are dumb.

Some say kissing Harry adds some tension
Others say in Europe it is done.
Other girls are chasing after Viktor -
See how they run!

Evil!Hermione, slapping Malfoy's mug.
Ron defends your honour, has to belch a slug
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh,.....
See how they run!

Evil!Hermione, on that Christmas night
Wish that Harry would have heard the whole darn fight.

By the lake you take a walk with Viktor
By a water beetle you're undone.
Rita Skeeter yelling "Stop the presses!"
See how they run.

Evil!Hermione, SHIPpers get no rest
Only J K Rowling knows who you like best.

A filk by Jonathan Pessin to a tune of my own composing

Now some believe in SYCOPHANTS, they think that Avery's nice,
And others like those Hedgehogs, blaming anyone for vice.
Some others feel that George is right, and Snape just evolved twice,
But I just ride the fence!

Now some may look for H & H, and others H & R,
But I believe that all those theories strain it all too far.
I may just join a ship one day, but things just as they are
Mean that I'll just ride the fence.

I know it's wishy-washy,
But I take it all in stride,
I'd like to like a theory
But I just can't decide!

So you can take your FEATHERBOAS, LOLLIPOPS, and FIE!
For other men might them accept, but never now shall I.
I'll just stand in the corner as the theories pass me by
'Cause I just ride the fence!

Written while kicking back a few Butterbeers on Inish Alley

Should I DESIST them, or wish them SUCCESS?
Or think them SINISTER?
Are they a CIST 'em, an ANTITHESIS
Of GANG WARS and BABEMEISTERS?
Acronyms! On HP4GU,
THE FIRST-MEMORY FRIEND
Keeps the LANDLUBBERS SUAVE as the DEW.

The WINNING COUPLE, SNAP at CUPID'S QUAFFLE,
LAMBASTING their LIDS
POOR BABY NAPTIME, her SWAN SONG she must MIME
If SUPPRESSED by SIDS A-a-a-a-a-a-ah..
Acronyms! For a MARATHON SWIM,
FIASCO I now know's BAD NEWS
If SHARK ATTACK with VIM

Acronyms! Who can keep them all straight?
What's FAT CHANCE AT BALL
Or GILBERT or GOLFBALL,
HELP AND LACERATE?

NEW LABOUR-CONSERVATIVE, SNAPECLIFF, ASTONISHED, MALEVOLENCE,
With NUANCE, BLAMELESS, as SAD as they're SHAMEFUL,
SING with HEAD IN SAND?

For your AFRICAN HIPPIES, CRAB CUSTARD
Have IGNORED,
SCRABBLE BOARD
Of CHIMPANZEE is
If the RATS BE DISEASES…

Then as SIRIUS BLACK inside THE SHRIEKING SHACK
FLARES at LOLLIPOPS,
Do I LUV SAILING OPS!, 'A-a-a-a-a-a-ah.'

Acronyms!
LOONIEST!
WHILST!
It's like MUDPIE for NINE.
Always PACMAN behind--
Always SPACEMAN below--
Or UGANDA with PINE.

Acronyms, I sang this to my wife
She said, DUDE GET A LIFE….

P.S. I took the liberty of paraphrasing the final acronym, DARRIN, GET A LIFE DUDE : Decoding Anagram Riddle Requires Imagination, Never-ending Gumption, and Enormous Tankards of Amber Lager Imbibed. Friends and Enemies, Don't Underestimate Darrin's Eagerness.

Who Else?

A filk by Gail to the tune of Who's Next? by Tom Lehrer

First Harry's gonna die, that's understood
Fighting for the side of good
Will others also die? We can only guess
Shall we go down through the list?
Who else?

Dumbledore is old and wise
That archetype always dies
Then Harry Potter's best friend, Ron
In the game of life, he's just a pawn
Who else?

Lupin no doubt is a marked man
Slain by Wormtail's silver hand
Snape, he is as good as dead
"He'll be killed, of course," Voldemort said
Who else?

Hagrid's gonna get it, too
Massacred by You-Know-Who
Then there's our pal Neville
He will also be killed
"Horrible to write," Rowling said
When the time comes, we better be prepared
Who else?

Then there's the rumor, a fan'll die
So that means Creevey or Dobby
How about McGonagall?
What the hell, let's kill 'em all!
Who else?
Who else?
Who else?
Who else?

To the tune of Tom Lehrer's Who's Next?

This filk was prompted by speculation on HP4GU over possible "casualties of war" in the future Harry Potter books.

First, Quirrell came to harm but that's OK
He fought for Voldy all the way
Flamel bought the farm, that's some tear-quencher
Cause he's all set for his next adventure
Who's next?

Barty Crouch was turned to bone,
While Diggory got laid out prone
We now ask of Books Seven Through Five
And the end of it all, who'll still survive?
Who's next?

Will Lupin bite the Silver B.?
Will our mood go bad when we lose Moody?
Will Hogwarts School mourn her big boss?
Will Pettigrew perish through a triple cross?
Who's next?

Is Black doomed 'cause he's too true-blue?
And what will come of You-Know-Who?
Will the Malfoys then perish, too,
With the rest of their DE crew?
The Weasleys from Art down to Gin:
Will we lose Ron? Or will it be the twins?
Who's next?

And the hero of our narrative:
Is he gonna die or will he live?
Will he do Prince Ham or King Hal Five?
And most of all, will Snape still thrive?
Who's next? Who's next? Who's next?
Who's next??!!

The next two filks were written in response to speculation that the entire Hogwarts saga will be revealed as Harry's dream.

THE SCENE: 4 PRIVET DRIVE. The 18-year-old HARRY POTTER, awakened by the DURSLEYS in his cupboard below the stairs, realizes with a thrill of horror that all the events of the last seven years were a dream (a dream of which, for reasons inexplicable, the DURSLEYS know every single detail)

DURSLEYS
Never ever!

VERNON
Journey over. Magic ended.
Hogwarts School is now no more
Sayonara, it's suspended!
Never ever

PETUNIA
All the curses were pretended,
There's no scar from Voldemort
Your heroical endeavors
Never ever

DURSLEYS
Never then and never now
And never ever ever!

HARRY
There were dangers-

DURSLEYS
No, not really

HARRY
And great crisis-

DURSLEYS
You just dreamed it-

HARRY
And my broom would often swerve.

DURSLEYS
It did not.

HARRY
There were constant-

DURSLEYS
You're just crazy-

HARRY
Plot devices-

DURSLEYS
Jo undid it.

HARRY
But we'd all come through with verve

DURSLEYS
But Book Seven's end suffices:
It was your misfired nerves!

Not ol' Ron and not the two twins,
Sirius nor Hagrid
No Hermy nor Remus Lupin
Just poor Harry's stray id

DUDLEY
I am greedy.

VERNON
I am vain.

PETUNIA
I am haughty.

VERNON
I am smug.

DURSLEYS
We are happy.

DUDLEY
It is fun.

PETUNIA
'Cause we're Muggles.

BOTH
Then we went into his room
To wake him up,
He's also a Muggle.

HARRY
It was perfect.
I had everything I wanted
I had powers,
And I lived inside the Tower,
I could flower.
Then I woke up in my bed
And what a switch,
And now I'm ordinary.
Lost my power and my Tower

DUDLEY
You're unworthy.

HARRY (fighting back tears)
I'm unhappy now, unhappy hence,
Unsaved by James and Lily.
Had I stayed soundly a-snooze
I might have escaped this abuse,
I'd be happy

DURSLEYS
We are happier than Harry
That's the moral of this book
We shall party, we'll make merry
As we mock that Potter schnook
For it's Privet Drive forever
And for Gryffindor, the hook!

HARRY
Though I'm tearful,
Though it's deep, though it's dark,
And though I've now lost my path,
I can still encounter elves,
I musn't stop,
I must believe,
I musn't worry,
I've got to act!
For I know my wish,
If I want my wish,
I can have my wish,-
So, to get my wish….

DURSLEYS
But it will all fade,
Is that not plain?
Where witches, ghosts
And charms once reigned.
It will all fade
And you've not gained
A single thing worth learning

It will all fade
Like a death knell
In vain, no doubt,
But what the hell

It will all fade, your magic spells
It will all fade, the Hat of Sorting
It will all fade, the dragons wild
No swish and flick
No Diagon Alley
No points for House
No true werewolves
No sexy veelas
No Merpeople kingdom
No Snape, no Snitch,
No wands, no skrewts
No orbs, no owls,
No Stone of Philosopher!

It will all fade!
It will all fade!
Be very afraid!
Now, out of our way,

The DURSLEYS throw HARRY out the front door

We're happy ever after!

The door of 4 Privet Drive slams shut forever. Minutes later, HARRY is run over while trying to flag down a semi-truck he mistakes for the Knight Bus. He is buried a few days later in an unmarked pauper's grave. The service is attended by only by Arabella Figg - in the early stages of dementia praecox - and her 27 cats. Book Seven's final words are hers: "Wasn't he that peculiar young man with the odd-looking scar?"

A filk by Pip to the tune of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody

Based on the recent discussion about whether the Wizarding World really existed, or was just a fantasy of HARRY's while he was living in his cupboard with the DURSLEYS

HARRY, lying on his bed in his cupboard, alone

HARRY: Is this a dream world
Hogwarts just fantasy?
Lost in a cupboard
One escape from reality.

Closing my eyes
Fly up to the skies.
I'm free!

I'm such a strong boy I'll need no sympathy,

He picks up a sheet of paper and starts writing

Because I'm thinking up
Writing down
Dreaming some
Dreaming all.

Any way the plot goes
It all really matters
To me
To me.

Mother, just killed you off.
The car crash sounded dull
Voldemort AK'd you all.

Father, not writing for fun,
Just I'm not gonna throw my life away.

Mother,ooo ooooh
Didn't mean to make me cry.
You'll not come back again
It's such a sorrow.

Carry on
Carry on
Because all this really matters.

Instrumental

Hogwarts
Your time has come.
There's trouble down the line,
Evil's coming all the time.

Goodbye Little Whinging,
I've got to go.
I will leave you all behind,
Create my truth.

The ghostly forms of characters from the books appear around HARRY

HARRY: Father, ooo ooooh
CHARACTERS: (Any way the plot goes.)
HARRY: Wish you hadn't died
The Dursley's wish I'd never been born at all.

Instrumental

HARRY: I see a shining silhouetto of a man;
Dumbledore, Dumbledore
Priori Incantatem

Voldemort and graveyards
Very very frightening be.

HARRY: Quidditch playing
CHARACTERS: Quidditch playing
HARRY: Quidditch playing
CHARACTERS: Quidditch playing
HARRY: Quidditch playing
CHARACTERS: Dementor!
HARRY: McGonagall!

HARRY: I'm just a poor boy
Nobody loves me

I'll be a wizard
From a rich family

Creating my life
In a rich fantasy!

Thinking up
Writing down
Will I let you go?

Wizard world
No, I will not let you go.

From outside the cupboard the DURSLEYS sing

DURSLEYS: Let it go!
HARRY: Wizard world,
I will not let you go!
DURSLEYS: Let it go!
HARRY: Wizard world,
I will not let you go!
DURSLEYS: Let it go!

HARRY: Will not let it go!
DURSLEYS: Let it go!
HARRY: Never, never,never, never, never, never.
DURSLEYS: Let it go!
HARRY: No, no, no, no, no, no,no.

HARRY: Oh Dumbledore, Dumbledore,
Dumbledore help me now.
Uncle Vernon has
A care home put aside for me,
For me
For me
For meee!

Instrumental

HARRY [to DURSLEYS]:
So you think you can snub me Not look in my eye!
So you think you can hate me And want me to die!

Oh, Dursleys
Can't do this to me Dursleys.
I've gotta way out.
I've gotta way right out of here.

Instrumental

CHARACTERS: Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Instrumental

HARRY: Hogwarts really matters,
Anyone can see.
Hogwarts really matters,
Hogwarts really matters to me.

Piano instrumental as the characters who'll be in Book 5 appear around HARRY as he writes furiously.

CHARACTERS (softly):
Any way the plot goes.

A filk by Cindy to the tune Wonderful World

Don't know much about alchemy,
Don't know much arithmancy,
Don't know much about Lockhart's book,
Don't know much about the charms I took,
But I saw the Symposium,
By the end the floor was covered with scum,
What a wonderful Bay it would be.

Don't know much about herbology,
Don't know much astronomy,
Don't know much about Ancient Runes,
Don't know what a paddle is for,
But I know Toadkeeper I and II,
And I remember "Tew Eww to be Treww."
What a wonderful Bay it would be.

REFRAIN:
Now I don't claim to know every theory,
But I'm trying to be,
I think that maybe knowin' DISHWASHER, baby
I could understand the MDDT

Don't know much about Quiddich Through The Ages
I saw the pictures and I turned the pages,
Never saw the Dark Lord's rise and fall,
Don't know nothin' 'bout nothin' at all,
Theory Bay is what I'm thinkin' of,
Need motivation or maybe a shove,
What a wonderful Bay it would be.

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