* = Post-OOP
** = Post-HBP
Ugly Rita Copyright 2001 by Judy Nathanson; Handle With Care Copyright 2003 by Amy Z; Rita Skeeter's Song Copyright 2003 by Eric Oppen; Skeeter In A Bottle Copyright 2004 by PHP Head Girl Giselle; Mr. Lovegood and his Quibblin' Little Five-Knut `Zine Copyright 2005 by Caius Marcius; Rita Copyright 2005 by Allemande
A filk by Amy Z to the tune of the Traveling Wilburys' song of the same title
RITA SKEETER serenades several members of the Hogwarts community.
RITA (to Harry, beckoning him toward a broom cupboard)
Come inside and shut the door
Journalists you'll soon abhor
My ink is H2SO4
Handle me with care
(to Hagrid)
I say I find your Skrewts a blast
While I dig into your past
Nice "gi"s always finish last
Handle me with care
SLYTHERINS
We're so tired of Harry Potter
House Cup, Q Cup, Champion too
Take him down a peg, please, Rita dear
HERMIONE
It's a sin but I just can't help but hate her
Is it time to call the exterminator?
RITA (to Hermione)
Oh, you silly little girl
I can give your hair more curl:
I'll tell your love life to the world
Handle me with care
(to Draco)
As a team we two are grand
We just might get that dingbat canned
But while I'm sitting in your hand
Handle me with care
DRACO
I'll give you the dirt on Potter
He's deranged, a danger too
Have a scoop from Slytherin, Rita dear
HERMIONE (clapping Rita into a jar)
Trust this pest to have a bug for a daemon
Think I'll let you fly away? Well, dream on!
RITA (to Hermione)
It's not like me to be meek
But now your mercy I must seek
If I'm to stay in glass a week
Handle me with care.
A filk by Judy Nathanson to the tune of the Beatles' Lovely Rita, Meter Maid
Ugly Rita, gossip hag
May I inquire boldly
When do you write a single word that's true?
Ugly Rita, do you brag
Cackling oh so coldly
Somebody's going to get the goods on you!
Buzzing round a door or hedge row
Or the shoulder of some fellow
Never ever guess she could ever be there
On a window ledge you'll spot her
Taking note of dreaming Potter
Nobody had told her she should ever be fair
Ugly Rita, are your ill?
Haven't heard from you, have I?
Where is the garbage that you used to write?
Ugly Rita, poison quill
Unregistered animagi
Hermione's got you sealed up nice and tight
Serves her right!
A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of Dirty Laundry
SKEETER:
I make my living with my Quick-Quotes Quill,
Writing my stories gives me such a thrill,
My mawkish prose makes people ill
'Cause I'm Rita Skeeter!
Malicious gossip is my claim to fame,
Slandering people is my one real aim,
I love smearing someone's name
'Cause I'm Rita Skeeter!
Smear the Boy who Lived,
Smearing Dumbledore,
Smear Hermione,
Smear somebody more!
When I'm a beetle I get all the news,
All of the facts I can then best misuse,
Press freedom is my excuse
'Cause I'm Rita Skeeter!
Draco Malfoy will give me lots of dirt,
Hoping that Harry Potter will be hurt,
No one else is as alert
As me, Rita Skeeter!
Smear the Boy who Lived,
Smearing Dumbledore,
Ignore Diggory,
Smear somebody more!
A filk by PHP Head Girl Giselle to the tune of Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera
RITA SKEETER (after having been captured by Hermione):
Now that I am locked up tight
No more fibs for me to write
I'm waiting for someone to release me
An Animagus that's what I am
Scandal-writing is all I plan for
Harry, Harry, Harry
Oh, oh, oh (my pen is saying let's go)
Oh, oh, oh (But Granger's saying no!)
Chorus
If I wanna be set free
Better stop my lying spree
I'll be Skeeter in a bottle
A slave I will be
If I wanna be set free
Better stop my lying spree
I better tell The Daily Prophet
If I wanna run free
I'm a beetle in a bottle, baby
Gotta get away from Granger, honey
I'm a Skeeter in a bottle, baby
Come, come, come on and let me out
Tea leaf reading and the lights down low
One more scoop and then I'm good to go
Waitin' for someone to tell me
Deadlines nearing at the speed of light but that don't mean
That I have to right 'bout
Harry, Harry, Harry
Oh, oh, oh (my pen is saying let's go)
Oh, oh oh (But Granger's saying no!)
Repeat Chorus
If I wanna be set free
Better stop my lying spree
Better tell The Daily Prophet
If I wanna run free
No more shams, no fabrications
If I wanna be free
I'm a beetle in a bottle, baby
Come, come, come on and let me out
A filk by Allemande to the tune of Elton John's Nikita
HERMIONE:
Hello, Rita, is it cold
In your little corner of the cell
You could run into the walls
And never find a way to break the spell
Oh, I saw you by the sill
Listening in to us just like you'd planned
With eyes that bulged when I went smash!
The beetle was a captive in my hand
Sadly, Rita, you will never write
Anything to your delight
I'll never know how good it feels to squash you
(Though, Rita, I'd like to know)
Sadly, Rita, you'll remain inside
I'll watch you with the glass collide
As you madly scuttle to and fro
Oh no! Miss Skeeter, you'll never go
Do you ever have regrets?
Do you ever think about the lies you wrote?
Was there ever any shame
Miss Skeeter, as you butchered quote for quote?
Now if there comes a time
Glass and spells no longer hold you in
And if you're free to use your voice
Just watch your mouth, you bitch, or you're has-been
Sadly, Rita, you will never write
Anything to your delight
I'll never know how good it feels to squash you
(Though, Rita, I'd like to know)
Sadly, Rita, you'll remain inside
I'll watch you with the glass collide
As you madly scuttle to and fro
Oh no! Miss Skeeter, you'll never go
To the tune of Ray Stevens' Freddie Feel-Good and His Funky Little Five-Piece Band.
The Scene: A concert venue on Diagon Alley. Innocent singing sensation STUBBY BOARDMAN temporarily comes out of retirement to host a fundraiser for that beacon of truth, The Quibbler, and its heroic editor Mr. Lovegood
STUBBY BOARDMAN:
Well, there is a hot little journal
That loves to expose
The secret schemes of the Tornados
And the vile gang Rotfang that wants to stay unseen
LUNA:
Hey, hey
STUBBY:
Fudge is that outlaw, you may well surmise
Who murders goblins, and then bakes `em in pies
But there's a man standing on the side of the pure and clean
I`m talking `bout Mr. Lovegood
And his Quibblin' little five-knut `zine
LUNA:
Oh yeah...
STUBBY:
He's got a Blibbering Humdinger
He is really some singer
He's got dibs on the way to blib
BLIBBERING HUMDINGER
Blib, blib, blib, blib, etc.
STUBBY
He got a Slashkilter
What thrills, sir!
UMGUBULAR SLASHKILTER
Um, gub, gub, gub, gub, etc.
STUBBY
He got a Crumple-Horned Snorkack
Lookin' for a small snack
CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACK
Snork, snork, kack, kack, kack, etc.
STUBBY
Here's a Wrackspurt
Cute as Norbert
He'll start some buzzin' in your fuzzy head
WRACKSPURT
Spurt, spurt, spurt, spurt, etc.
STUBBY
And our editor
Always anti-predator
Here`s Mr. Lovegood hisself
MR. LOVEGOOD
Quib, Quib, Quib, Quib, etc.
MR. LOVEGOOD and the quartet of improbable Fantastic Beasts enter into an extended riff of elaborately counterpointed scat-singing which brings the audience to their feet
STUBBY
Well, The Daily Prophet may fear the wrath
Of the Aquavirus Maggot and the Heliopath
Keepin' the truth from the wizards to boost their regime
LUNA:
Hey, hey
STUBBY
But in the end everybody's gonna know all the facts
About the nargals, moon frogs, and the Swedish snorkacks -
The truth he will find even though it may sound extreme
LUNA:
Hey, hey
STUBBY & LUNA
I`m talking `bout Mr. Lovegood
And his Quibblin' little five-knut `zine, oh yeah
STUBBY (spoken):
Blow that horn! Come on Humdinger baby, make it blib! C'mon!
A second extended riff by the Quintet, culminating in a Broadway chorus-line climax
BLIBBERING HUMDINGER (winding down)
Blib, blib, blib, blibbity, blib, blib, blibbity, blib, blib, blib…...
STUBBY:
Oh yeeaaahhhh!