* = post-OOP
Copyright 2001-2002 by Caius Marcius except If I Were A Wizard and Teach Me the Magic Copyright 2001, 2002 by Judy Nathanson; My Favorite Things Copyright 2001 by Anonymous; Isn't it Ironic Copyright 2003 by Phyllis; The English Wizard Copyright 2004 by Richard
The following filk is more or less sung to the tune of the Animaniacs Episode 75, which in turn is more or less sung to the final section of Rossini's William Tell Overture (i.e., the Lone Ranger theme). The synopsis consists of, in addition to an introduction and epilogue, six quatrains on each book.
[Introduction]
Heigh-ho! Here we go!
What follows is a summary
Of the books we spent last summer re-
Reading,
And then speeding through
For another quick HP review…..
[Book One]
Voldy crashes his hard drive
And the infant Harry, quite alive,
Gets dropped off on Privet Drive,
Ten years later those letters arrive…..
Harry Potter, feeling no smarter,
Goes to Hogwarts and success
On Train Station Nine and Three-Quarter
The Weasleys help him gain access
He meets Ron and his pet rat
Draco Malfoy picks a spat
He ponders with the sorting hat
Winds up in Gryffindor, just like that
Harry trolls with Hermione
With Quidditch feels reborn
Meets with centaurs (they're like ponies)
On a search for unicorn
With this stone someone's trying to make off - (er,
Is it Sorcerer's or Philosopher's?)
Hagrid hatches a baby dragon
Fluffy's tail is always waggin'
Harry goes through the faculty's maze
Meets Voldy (sort of) face-to-face
Dumbledore makes sure he gets displaced
As Gryffindor finishes in first place
[Book Two]
Dobby, acting quite bizarre,
Gets Harry thrown under lock and bar
Rescued by the Weasley's flying car
Which he later drives a bit too far
Arthur decks Lou in Diagon shops
While Lockhart craves his photo ops
On Halloween Night Sir Nicholas bops
Colin follows Harry non-stop
When those around him turn to stone
Harry finds that he alone
Gets pegged as heir to the Slytherin Throne
And there's this ghost named Myrtle who moans
Talking with snakes makes argument boil,
And thanks to Polyjuice
Ron and Harry become Crabbe and Goyle
A magic diary's perused
Harry wins at Quidditch on his broom
And follows the snake to the secret room,
Learns Tom Riddle's a nom de plume
For none other than You-Know-Whom
But the bird is mightier, so's the sword
And Harry thwarts the evil Lord
Ginny to Mom and Dad's restored
So ends two years of room and board
[Book Three]
Harry from the Dursley's again's discharged
After blowing up Aunt Marge
Learns that Sirius Black's at large,
Takes a magic bus trip at low charge
Hot on the fugitive wizard's scent are
Eerie beings called Dementors
Their appearance occasions much complaint
Their very sight makes Harry faint
Harry sees a creature called a Grim
Trelawney says it's after him.
Lupin teaches Dark Arts combat
Crookshanks starts to smell a rat
Then, the meeting with Black, long-anticipated
(Hold on, this gets complicated!)
Sirius was unjustly incarcerated
Due to Peter, non-assassinated
Lupin's the first one to perceive
That Sirius' story they must believe.
They see through Peter's ratty shape
Then, the door swings opens - yikes, it's Snape!
Now to prevent a further shock
Our heroes must turn back the clock
Sirius & Buckbeak flee the dock
And in Patronum we place stock
[Book Four]
At the home of Thomas Riddle
Voldy, not quite fit as a fiddle,
Spies a Muggle, strikes him dead
With a jolt leaps Harry out of bed
Now it's on to the Quidditch World Cup;
Ireland creams Bulgaria
But when Voldy's masked Death Eaters whirl up
It's total mass hysteria
Then, an event of renown and fame:
Hogwarts sponsors the Triwizards game -
Three scrolls emerge from the cup of flame
But then a fourth - with Harry's name!
Harry takes tasks one, two and three
And fashions a joint victory
But the trophy is really a portkey
(Alas, Cedric Diggory!)
Moldy Voldy, cruel and old, he's
Resurrected physically
But when his wand gets put on hold, he's
Forced to look on quizzically
As he is stopped by a crowd of ghosts
(All of whom like Harry most)
Moody is Crouch and then he's toast
Fudge fulminates at his Hogwarts hosts.
[epilogue]
That's how the first four volumes run
Of this fantasy series second to none
What further twists will Jo have spun?
Just hold on tight till the fifth book's done!
A filk by Judy Nathanson to the tune of If I Were A Rich Man from Fiddler On The Roof
If I were a Wizard
And A-lo-ha-mor-a ma-gi-cal-ly opened every door
All day long I'd live as I prefer
If I were a Sorcerer
I'd study hard at Hogwarts
Trying to be half as grand as Harry, or as Dumbledore
If an owl had only given me
The letter every kid would love to see
I'd fill my Cauldron up with dark, sticky potions
Smoking with an eerie glare
"Eye of this and hair of the other thing"
Then I would chant some incantations with motions;
Wand held high up in the air
Oh, the spells momentous it would bring
If I were a Wizard
And A-lo-ha-mor-a ma-gi-cal-ly opened every door
All day long I'd live as I prefer
If I were a Sorcerer
I'd study hard at Hogwarts
Trying to be half as grand as Harry, or as Dumbledore
If an owl had only given me
The letter every kid would love to see
I'd learn to change into a strange Animagus
Any time I felt the need
And I'd fly so high on the best broomstick
And I would take my galleons straight out of Gringotts
To the shops in old Hogsmeade
Eating Chocolate Frogs until I'm sick
If I were a Wizard
I would do such noble acts with magic wand and magic word
Though I'm just a Muggle through and through
Not one whit of Magic can I do
All my fondest wishes would come true
If I were a real Wizard!
A filk by Judy Nathanson to an original tune
Teach me the magic that crowns me in song
And calls out the name of the place I belong
And let me stay there for awhile
Being there makes my heart smile
Teach me the magic of brooms whizzing by
Chasing a bright golden orb that can fly
And let me go back to a time
When the magic of childhood was mine
Let me taste candy in new and strange flavors
And let me play games that explode
I want letters owls gave to me
Pictures that wave to me
Mysteries expertly told
Teach me the magic of friendships that bind
Stirred by adventure three young people find
And everymore people will read
For Harry is magic indeed!
A filk by Judy Nathanson to the song of the same name from Rodgers' and Hammerstein's The Sound of Music
Powders and portkeys to strange destinations
Potions and spells mixed with bold incantations
Bright golden snitches and keys that have wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Pictures that wave to you, portraits that open
A hat that can tell you the 'house' you belong in
Ghosts, elves and owls and the letters they bring
These are a few of my favorite things
Most of all Harry, the main inspiration
Born of one great writer's imagination
Quidditch and broomsticks and magic that rings
These are a few of my favorite things
When the villians - In life's stories
Make me scared or sad
I see Harry, Ron and Hermione too
And then I don't feel so bad!
A filk by Phyllis to the tune of Ironic by Alanis Morissette
Our young hero caught the Snitch
He won the match but was banned for life that day
It's truth serum put on your tea tray
It's winning the prize when you're already rich
Isn't it ironic...don't you think
It's like rain on your Hogsmeade date
It's a trip jinx when you've escaped the raid
It's Hermy's advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures
Mrs. Weasley feared her kids would die
She called it a night and hugged her kids good-bye
She went upstairs to rid the desk of its plight
And as the boggart changed she thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
It's like rain on your Hogsmeade date
It's a trip jinx when you've escaped the raid
It's Hermy's advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures
Well Luna has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And Luna has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
Out of the fire when you're already late
A detention because you rose to her bait
It's like waiting for Fry when all you have is Jim Dale
It's finding the man of my dreams
And then watching him fall through the veil
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and yeah I really do think
It's like rain on your Hogsmeade date
It's a trip jinx when you've escaped the raid
It's Hermy's advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures
Luna has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Luna has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
To the tune of My Old Man's a Sailor
My old man's a Chaser, what do you think about that?
He has a Chaser's hoot-owl, he wears a Chaser's hat.
He rides a Chaser's broomstick, he waves a Chaser's wand
And every Saturday evening he chases ditzy blondes.
And someday,
If I can,
I'm gonna be a Chaser, the same as my old man.
My old man's a Potions Professor, what do you think about that?
He has a Potions Professor's hoot-owl, he wears a Potions Professor's hat.
He rides a Potions Professor's broomstick, he waves a Potions Professor's wand,
And every Saturday evening he drowns Puffskeins in his pond.
And someday,
If I can,
I'm gonna be a Potions Professor, the same as my old man.
My old man's a Death Eater Prosecutor, what do you think about that?
He has a Death Eater Prosecutor's hoot-owl, he wears a Death Eater Prosecutor's hat.
He rides a Death Eater Prosecutor's broomstick, he waves a Death Eater Prosecutor's wand,
And every Saturday evening he repairs his stocks and bonds.
And someday,
If I can,
I'm gonna be a Death Eater Prosecutor, the same as my old man.
My old man's a horrifyin' flyin' roarin' Auror from Andorra, what do you think about that?
He has a horrifyin' flyin' roarin' Auror from Andorra's hoot-owl, he wears horrifyin' flyin' roarin' Auror from Andorra's hat.
He rides a horrifyin' flyin' roarin' Auror from Andorra's broomstick, he waves a horrifyin' flyin' roarin' Auror from Andorra's wand,
And every Saturday evening he makes movies with James Bond.
And someday,
If I can,
I'm gonna be a horrifyin' flyin' roarin' Auror from Andorra, the same as my old man.
A filk by Richard to a Jacobite Air known famously as The Scottish Soldier, aka The Green Hills of Tyrol. I call it The English Wizard, aka The Green Hills of Hogwarts.
There was a Wizard, an English Wizard,
Who wandered far away, and magicked far away.
There was no Wizard, no other Wizard,
Who magicked many a spell,
And potions too.
He called his broomstick, his trusty broomstick,
That took him far away, and soared quite far away.
Upon a hillside, an English hillside,
Not on these green hills, hills of Hogwarts.
(Chorus):
Because these green hills are not Hogwarts' hills,
Nor the castle's hills, they're not my land's hills
And fair as these green foreign hills may be,
They are not the hills, the hills of school.
And now this Wizard, this English Wizard,
Who wandered far away, and magicked far away,
Sees students falling, the Dark Lord calling,
And he will stay and fight, fight to the death.
He's called his best friend, his very best friend,
And bade him cast a spell, a blessing to him well,
Upon a hillside, an English hillside,
Not on these green hills, hills of Hogwarts.
(Chorus):
Because these green hills are not Hogwarts' hills,
Nor the castle's hills, they're not my land's hills
And fair as these green foreign hills may be,
They are not the hills, the hills of school.
And now this Wizard, this English Wizard,
Will wander far no more, and magic far no more,
And on a hillside, an English hillside,
You'll see a broomstick take it's Wizard home.
He's in the story, he's earned his glory,
Of battles 'gainst evil, of darkness did he kill.
But now he lays down, he is at peace now,
Upon these green hills, hills of Hogwarts.
(Chorus):
Because these green hills are not Hogwarts' hills,
Nor the castle's hills, they're not my land's hills
And fair as these green foreign hills may be,
They are not the hills, the hills of school.