Chicago Billy Voldemort: All He Cares About is....Blood!
Flanked by henchgirls Trixie Lestrange and Mama Malfoy from the filkstravaganza The Order
Copyright 2003 by Salazar
Sung to the tune of All that Jazz
Daily Prophet REPORTERS scurry about on the stage, trying to get all their stories right. REPORTER 1 sits down and dictates to his quill.
REPORTER 1
Potter says the Dark Lord Voldy's back...
And all that crap.
But Proof of these weird claims is the one thing he lacks
For all his crap.
REPORTER 2 (joining him)
Good lord, we are under such duress
For the ministry's controlling all the press.
The Propaganda's us
But we don't make a fuss
About that crap.
ALL
Skidoo!
REPORTER 1
And all that crap...
ALL
Gotcha!
Woopee!
REPORTER 2
And all that crap...
The Minister
These stupid claims denies
He calls it crap
For Albus Dumbledore
Is telling loads of lies!
About this crap
REPORTER 1
All our work is paid and rigged, ya see
To advocate the Ministry's bureaucracy!
We spread the whole disease
Of Fudge's daft decrees
And all that crap!
FUDGE enters, looking very happy
FUDGE
Write this up just as quick as you can!
This is not crap!
Potter's made himself a wanted man!
With all that crap!
Prophet kids, we have a front page tale
The ministry has won and Dumbledore has failed
Oh, Potter's in distress!
There's a new Headmistress
To stop...that...crap!
REPORTERS
Oh, we're gonna pour out tales of this defeat!
FUDGE
Of all that crap!
REPORTERS
Oh, we're gonna milk it like a cow in heat!
FUDGE
And all that crap!
REPORTERS
Oh, the wizarding world's just like cattle
Oh, if they believe this useless prattle...
REPORTER 2
Fudge is full
Of useless bull
REPORTERS
About...this...crap!
All that crap!
REPORTER 1 (simultaneous with below)
Let's type this with best ability
REPORTER 2
Oh, we're gonna pour out tales of this defeat!
ALL
And all that crap!
And all that crap!
REPORTER 1
Yet we will friggin' lose our credibility...
REPORTER 2
Oh, we're gonna milk it like a cow in heat!
ALL
And all that crap!
FUDGE
Get this slander on the press at once
We'll squash out Albus Dumble and his scar head dunce!
Our Decree 29's
Fascism redefined
And lots of crap!
REPORTERS
The High Inquisitor's
Beat Albus Dumbledore
At all that crap!
ALL
That crap!
Failed Tale
Sung to the tune of Funny Honey
The hearing at the Ministry of Magic. HARRY is just preparing to explain about the dementors down Privet Drive and FUDGE and DUMBLEDORE are listening in on the whole thing. Things appear to be going downhill.
HARRY(spoken)
MADAM BONES(spoken)
FUDGE(spoken)
(breaking into song)
I see through it,
HARRY
FUDGE
I see through it,
DUMBLEDORE
FUDGE
DUMBLEDORE
FUDGE
MRS. FIGG enters.
FIGG (spoken)
FUDGE (spoken)
FIGG (spoken)
FUDGE (sung)
DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
FUDGE (spoken)
DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
UMBRIDGE (spoken)
DUMBLEDORE (spoken)
FUDGE (spoken)
DUMBLEDORE (sung)
FUDGE (sung)
I flail and wail at this failed tale of his!
Sirius' Lament
Sung to the tune of When You're Good to Momma
SIRIUS is showing HARRY around Number Twelve Grimmauld place. He's just slammed the lid shut on a screaming music box.
SIRIUS
The curtains fly open and SIRIUS' mother begins to scream. SIRIUS slams the curtains shut again
HARRY
SIRIUS
Curtains fly open
MOM
SIRIUS
They say that death's the curtain point
showing Harry the tapestry
Cousins with the Malfoys
Hating Muggle people
Staying with James Potter
The folks I have for fam'ly
I don't like my title
So what's the one old relic
KREACHER walks in and begins muttering.
SIRIUS
They Sprang the Prison
Sung to the tune of Cell Block Tango
HERMIONE, HARRY and RON are crowded around The Daily Prophet in shock, seeing the faces of the escaped convicts.
HARRY
HERMIONE
RON
HARRY
HERMIONE
ALL THREE
Rabastan!
HARRY
ALL THREE
Change scene to Azkaban
RODOLPHUS (spoken)
Switch back to Hogwarts
RON
Azkaban
ANTONIN (spoken)
Hogwarts
HERMIONE
Azkaban
JUGSON (spoken)
Hogwarts
HERMIONE
Azkaban
One of the foreign Death Eaters starts babbling in his language. After a long monologue, BELLATRIX finally cuts in.
BELLATRIX
FOREIGN DE
DE's
RABASTAN
(sung)We sprang the prison!
DE's
LESTRANGES
Hogwarts
THREE
Hogwarts/Azkaban
ALL
DE's
BELLATRIX
Hogwarts
THREE
Azkaban/Hogwarts
THREE
ALL
RODOLPHUS
ANTONIN
JUGSON
RABASTAN
BELLATRIX
DE's
All I Care About is Blood
Sung to the tune of All I Care About is Love
BELLATRIX and NARCISSA MALFOY are dressed like the Death Eater equivalents of Chicago showgirls. They are holding a pair of curtains closed.
BELLATRIX/NARCISSA
LUCIUS MALFOY walks on dressed like a band leader
LUCIUS MALFOY
BELLATRIX and NARCISSA rip open the curtains to reveal VOLDEMORT in a jazzy outfit.
VOLDEMORT
Don't mean a thing...
B/N
VOLDEMORT
B/N
VOLDEMORT
B/N
VOLDEMORT
I don't care if you're a Slytherin
B/N
VOLDEMORT
I don't care if I'm a half blood schmuck
If you escape me quite nearly, though
Go Through the Door
To the tune of They Both Reached for the Gun
Occlumency lessons are beginning and HARRY is asking SNAPE about the class.
SNAPE (spoken)
HARRY(sung)
SNAPE(sung)
HARRY
SNAPE
HARRY(spoken)
SNAPE
HARRY
SNAPE
HARRY
SNAPE
HARRY
SNAPE
(Sarcastically) Oh, you poor boy, I can't believe what you've been through. A bulldog and a bright red bike! Now tell me, Harry...
(Sung) Who's the lady?
HARRY Blasts Snape with his wand
SNAPE
HARRY
SNAPE
(spell)
HARRY
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes I want, oh yes I want, oh yes I want to go through
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes I want, oh yes I want, oh yes I want to go through
SNAPE
Let's attempt it
DRACO runs in
DRACO
SNAPE
HARRY plunges his head into the Pensieve. A minute later, Snape comes back.
SNAPE
HARRY
Repeats this faster and faster until he finally keeps singing "the door" over and over again
I will go through the door!
Go through the door!
Dad
Sung to the tune of Class from the CD/DVD version of Chicago.
SNAPE
Why do I bother with A. Dumble
Now, the kid cannot evade any of Voldie's traps.
Why do I bother with Potions class
Now, I thought he might be worth my time when he was here
All you read about today is that little sap!
All his friends like to slack
Weasley
Sung to the tune of Roxie
FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY stand at one end of the swamp that they created in Hogwarts. UMBRIDGE has just finished threatening them and they look at each other and burst out laughing.
FRED (spoken)
GEORGE (spoken)
They blast off. The students immediately break into tumultuous applause.
UMBRIDGE (through clenched teeth, sung)
STUDENTS
FILCH
WEASLEYS (from the skies)
UMBRIDGE
WEASLEYS
Two weeks later and everyone is passing around Weasley products behind UMBRIDGE'S back
STUDENTS
A bout of fireworks go off
UMBRIDGE (spoken)
STUDENTS (sung)
Weasley... They repeat this until the music stops.
I Can't Blunder Alone
Sung to the tune of I Can't Do It Alone
FUDGE is sitting in his office immediately after his meeting with Dumbledore, sadly pontificating on what he's lost in Umbridge.
FUDGE
I know it's sad, of course, but we couldn't stay intact
But still...
(spoken) Now you have to imagine this with two people, it's swell with two people!
(sung) First I...
Mimes writing up a bunch of decrees
Then she...
Mimes making a bunch of kids write lines in their hands
Then we'd...
Mimes giving all the Hogwarts teachers pink slips.
But I can't blunder alone!
Then she...
Mimes chaining brooms to a wall
Then I...
Mimes putting handcuffs on people
Then we'd...
Shakes his finger at a picture of Harry Potter.
But I can't blunder alone!
She'd say, "Potter's telling lies!"
It's his fault!
Blows a raspberry at a picture of Dumbledore.
Whose fault?
Points obnoxiously at the same picture
Dumble!
Takes the picture down from the wall and jumps up and down on it
And then when Albus Dumble thought he was best
But I simply cannot blunder alone!
(spoken) God, what a mess. Come on, it sucks....I know I'm right, we're superfluous but the hostile takeover, the hostile takeover was really nifty. Ok...she'd go...
Lovingly holds up a plaque which has "Headmistress" written on it.
(sung) I'd go...
Pulls out a decree which makes her Headmistress
We'd go...
Burns up a portrait of Albus Dumbledore
And then those foolish students started a row
Pulls out shackles and starts hanging them from all over the place.
Now, you see me going under....
ALONE!!!!
Mrs. Whirlwind
Sung to the tune of Mister Cellophane
TONKS, having just been especially severely lectured by Mrs. Weasley, is contemplating her clumsiness.
TONKS
If someone sneaking up on you
An Auror ought to know how to keep still...
Whirlwind...Mrs. Whirlwind
I tell you...
Whirlwind...Mrs. Whirlwind
Suppose you were a clumsy girl
Suppose you had no sense of space
An Auror really ought to be discreet
...That is who I've been..
I tell ya...
I will always break your stuff!
Heroism
To the tune of Razzle Dazzle
DUMBLEDORE is comforting Harry in his office immediately following his talk about the prophecy.
DUMBLEDORE
Give 'em the old Boy Who Survived!
Give 'em the old Heroism!
Give 'em the old Gryffindor boy!
Give 'em the old Light side magic!
Give 'em the old Boy who beats him!
Give 'em the old Heroism!
I only did it because of the dementors!
I'm afraid I don't understand...
Don't you, Madame? He's thought it all out and he thinks Dementors would make a nice cover story.
This boy is whack
This boy is nuts
He's in love with fame
Inflated putz!
This failed tale of his.
I'm not being daft
This is the truth
You think that we're dumb?
You have got no dang proof!
This failed tail of his!
This ain't no lie!
Harry's a nice guy...
And Lord knows, this isn't a fib.
We have a witness
I'm sure her fitness
As a speaker's good despite the fact she's a squib...
This boy's mouth is from hell!
He should be expelled!
Bring Mrs. Figg into this room
Her testimony will stop this doom...
I see through it,
Though I'm not some truth whiz....
This frail, stale, failed tale of his...
Just suppose the dementors kissed him or something, you know what I mean, kissed?
I know what you mean.
Or something. Think how terrible that would have been. Good thing I sent Mr. Tibbles out to scout, I'm telling you that. I say I'm telling you that.
The story's false...
This failed tale of his...
So there were Dementors in Little Whinging?
Little Whinging? How could they be there? Harry's the only wizard for miles around...
Unless someone ordered them there....
(sung) Lord knows, this tale's not a fib.
Are you saying that we sent them?
Unless they're taking orders from someone else...
This nonsense is bosh, he's telling us some cock and bull story about Voldemort and Dementors really were down there so that this schmuck will get off. Come on, people, there's no point in letting him go back to school!
Now, Cornelius, you've lost...
Laws has this kid not crossed!
Dementors were there
Right down the street
Come now, Ministry snobs
Just accept your defeat...
Bastard set me up....
A damn good defendant he is!
Ask any of the people living here
They'll tell you that there's bloody much to fear.
I hate this rotten, rat-infested space
It's just rotten luck
Me being stuck
Here in Grimmauld place!
What an evil woman!
Calling you a jerk...
So you've met my momma...
She's a piece of work!
Filthy halfbreed traitors!
Begone with all your taint!
Do shut up, dear mama...
Or I'll wipe off your paint!
That's what she deserved
But Mother dear just had to get
Pictorially preserved!
And with M. Lestrange
Thanks to my dear Momma,
Tonks is now estranged!
Treating men like Gnomes...
Made me hate my momma
So I ran away from home!
Was like ecstacy
Blasted by my momma...
Off this tapestry!
Are a bunch of scum themselves
Who spent their free and precious time
Decapitating elves!
Being the last of Blacks
Pissing off my Momma
And hearing her attacks...
That's still here upon the shelf?
Who still works for Momma?
Kreacher, her house elf!
Ah....damn!
Rabastan...
Jugson...
Mulciber....
Bellatrix...
Dolohov...
Rookwood...
Rabastan!
Jugson!
Mulciber!
Bellatrix!
Dolohov!
Rookwood!
Jugson!
Mulciber!
Bellatrix!
Dolohov!
Rookwood!
They sprang the prison!
They sprang the prison!
They busted out of Azkaban!
It is so ob'vious
That Voldemort's back
And they say Sirius is the main man!
Rabaston!
Jugson!
Mulciber!
Bellatrix!
Dolohov!
Rookwood!
You know how people
Have these stupid fixtures that
Cause you pain?
Like...Crouch...Crouch liked to jail us.
No, not jail...entomb.
So Voldemort goes cold turkey
And I'm really irritated and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy
And there's Crouch...sitting at the hearing, trying to get us all jailed.
No, not jailed, ENTOMBED!
So I said right then, I said "If he jails one of us one more time..."
And he did, so I started doing some persuasion and I hit him where it hurt.
By recruiting his son!
They sprang the prison!
They sprang the prison!
It's like a bloody film noir
With convicts jumping
And people stumping
And to Dementors saying
Au revoir!
I met Karkaroff out of Durmstrang about twenty years ago.
And he told me he'd like to join and we hit it off right away.
So we started killing together.
He'd go out and torture, he'd kick ass.
Control a few minds, do AK...
And then I found out...
Loyal, he told me. Loyal, my ass! Not only was he spying,
Oh no, He'd sold us all out. One of those double agents, you know.
So now that everything's come flooding back. And I'm out of the clink, like usual..
Some guys just can't take a Crucio!
They sprang the prison!
They sprang the prison!
You-know-who's joy must be a fit!
But when he failed
They went to jail
But when he comes back, they up and split!
Now, I'm standing with the Dark Lord
Killing all the Muggles for fun,
Minding my own business...
In storms that Auror Moody with his wand out!
"You are under arrest!" he says, and he takes me...and the next thing that happens is I end up here!
Well, now I'll cast a little curse...I'll cast a little curse called AVADA KEDAVRA!
But when he failed,
They went to jail
But when he comes back, they up and split!
Yeah, but what are you gonna do about it?
Er...Im..PERIO!
We sprang the prison...
My brother Rodolphus and I had this deadly team
And his wife Bellatrix traveled around with us.
Then, in our last big caper with Crouch Jr, we kidnapped these two top-notch Aurors
One, two, three, four, five, Where's the Dark Lord? Crucio's, Veritaserum...
We hit 'em with everything.
So that one night we're down in the forest. The four of us torturing...having a few laughs...
And we made too much noise, so I did a silencing charm.
No sooner are the words out of my mouth when there's the Aurors and dementors
Dragging us to Azkaban
For a life sentence!
Well, I've been in such a state of hell, I've completely blacked out...I couldn't remember a thing. It's not until now, when the dementors are back on our side I even know I'm alive!
We sprang the prison
We sprang the prison!
We sprang the prison!
We sprang the little prison fort!
They say we're trouble
They've got us nailed
'Cause we're going back to Voldemort!
They sprang the prison!
They sprang the prison!
They sprang the little prison fort!
We say they're trouble
We've got 'em nailed
'Cause they're going back to Voldemort!
We/They sprang the prison!
We/They sprang the prison!
We sprang the little prison fort/Azkaban!
They say we're trouble/It's so obvious
They've got us nailed
'Cause we're going back to Voldemort!
I loved the Dark Lord more than I can possibly say.
He was a really fearless guy, handsome, a Slytherin.
But he was always trying to kill Mudbloods
We'd go out every night looking for Mudbloods
And on the way, we found Tonks, Moody, Longbottom and Potter
I guess you could say we broke up because of unfortunate circumstance.
He knew he was alive, but I thought he was dead!
They all got out...out...out....out
They all got out...out...out...out
They sprang the prison!
They sprang the prison!
You-know-who's joy must be a fit!
But when he failed
They went to jail
But when he comes back, they up and split!
They sprang the prison!/We sprang the prison!
They sprang the prison!/We sprang the prison!
We/they sprang the little prison fort...
We/they say we're/they're trouble
They've/we've got us/them nailed
'Cause we're/they're going back to Voldemort!
You jail one of us one more time...
Loyal my ass...
Avada Kedavra!
Giving us
A life sentence!
Unfortunate circumstance!
We're going right back to Voldemort!
We....want....Voldy!
Where...is...Voldy?
Give...us...Voldy!
We...want...Voldy!
He-who-must-not-be-named!
We're both his!
He hunts Mudbloods like game...
And we eat death!
We're in his biz...
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the cold-high-voiced Prince of the Purebloods, the one, the only Lord Voldemort!
I don't care about
A brilliant mind
Bravery
Being kind...
All I care about is blood!
That's what he fights for!
I don't care if you are brave and strong
If you're not pure, so long!
Here's what I say!
All I care about is blood!
All he cares about is blood!
Just be scared, and beware
Though I'm halfblood...
No one cares!
If you're pure and like to kill
Then...sign your name up and just do my will!
Or a house differin'
I could care less!
All I care about is blood!
That's what he fights for!
All he cares about is blood!
Show me hatred and piss
Show me lots of prejudice!
If you want the Mudbloods dead
Then your desire for death will be fed!
Muggle dads are just bad luck!
I killed him off
All I care about is...
I'll bring you back with Imperio!
All I care about is blood!
Mr. Harry Potter, you are asking too much! And you must address me as sir...at all times!
What's this lesson?
Occlumency.
To defend...
What?
Don't interrupt me!
To defend against what?
Leglimency
Which invades thoughts
It reads your mind?
That expression is asinine!
You can't mind read
Why is that, though?
Well, the mind is
Not a book!
Well, what is it?
Very complex...
Filled with thoughts, words and mistakes
Just like a many layered cake!
(spoken) Leglimens!
Stop, that's private!
Did you mean to
Curse me that way?
I was angry!
So I noticed
Well, you fought me off right then
But it took long, let's try again!
So let's see here...
You aren't trying!
But this dream that
You've been having
Is unsettling
To be mild
You told no one of this before?
I wanted to go through the door!
The door, the door, the door, the door, oh yes I must go through the door...through the door!
The door, the door, the door, the door, oh yes I must go through the door...through the door!
So predictable...so predictable...
Yes, this stance of yours is predictable
Dumble cares for you, Dumble cares for you
You don't care that we're scared for you
You go through there you're screwed!
One more time then
Concentrate, now
And we'll do it...
Oh, Professor
You must see this
Warrington is in the can
And now he's really confused, man!
Stay away from my Pensieve, boy
If you didn't know before...
Always practice
Try to improve
You should not go through that door!
This is terrible! This is terrible!
Yes, this stupid boy is so terrible!
Why, you little brat! Why, you little brat!
If you want to still live, then scat!
Don't darken my doormat!
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes I want...oh yes I want...oh yes I want to go through...The door, the door, the door, the door, oh yes I will go through the door, through the door!
Why do I bother with James Potter?
And Lil Evans?
And their child?
Why is it everyone thinks that to hate him
I'm mad?
When he's so like his dumb dad! Dad...
Or Voldemort
Or this damn school?
Why am I sitting here, stuck with teaching a dern cad?
A kid who's like his dumb dad...dad...
And as an Occlumens Potter cannot do crap.
And though he thinks he'll be immortal, he's a fad!
The kid's just like his dad!
And Longbottom
And Ron Weasley?
And then my students think that it's just like Leningrad!
And then Potter's like his dad! Dad...
But all he did was realize my worst of fears...
He saw his father get me so scantily clad...he saw his father get me so scantily clad
The kid's just like his dad!
Jesus Christ! There's no worse prig on the map!
The kid's just like his dad!
More of them and I'll crack!
Dumbledore, Dumbledore...
What a shame, What a shame.
He's like James...
His Dad!
Oh, come on, George, do we still need school? I mean, we've got avenues in other places...
You're right, Fred, we've got enough talent as it is. We'll see you all later. Just pay us a visit at Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes and you'll see...
The kids that ran away from here, they laughed at me! Weasley!
The kids who seem to know no fear, bros of Percy...Weasley!
You're gonna be filled with infamy,
That means someone the ministry hates!
They'll give me work, those jerks, those nothing-boys, those reprobates!
Though we're just trouble-making kids, we're busting free!
Weasley!
Who says rulebreakers never win?
And though trouble's our thing, it seems
Who invented canary creams?
Weasley twins!
We've got the weapons in our hands, made courtesy...of Weasley!
Think of the fireworks we'll send, signed "screw off!"...Weasley!
Their pranks can lurk, candy, fireworks...Filibuster is extinct!
Circulate, take the bait, get the whole school in a state...
Show Umbridge she has been hoodwinked!
Grr...they're famous and the students love them...and I hate them...and they hate me for hating them and I hate them for hating me and we hate each other...and that's 'cause I want to turn this school into a fascist dictatorship...and that's politics, kids.
We've given up on being good so happily, thank you, Weasley!
We'll make the teachers just cave in!
Dolores Umbridge lost every fight
Right when they sailed out that night!
Weasley twins!
Dolores and I didn't how to desist
Dolores and I ruled all with an iron fist
Dolores and I wallowed in our prejudice
But Dolores has now only a two-weeks notice
Since I'd have been recalled and taken a fall if she wasn't...quickly...sacked!
I'd say "Yes."
She'd say "Meetings in disguise!"
Who's behind it, let me guess?
Who told him he was under arrest?
We even rigged the standardized tests....
And we'd say "Ok, kids, keep your wands away, 'cause you ain't learnin' nothin' here!"
To get us all neurosis endowed...
They nearly had us completely cowed
And we'd say "Ok, kids, we've had enough, but before we go, here's a few more parting shots!" And this, this we did in perfect unison!
Bloody kids stole my thunder
And now I just cannot blunder......
If someone broke a piece of clay
For just the simple reason they
Have no sense of how the space relates...
You'd notice them.
Was noisy as a squeaky shoe
And couldn't catch no reprobates
You'd notice them.
Given enough time, they always will
Unless of course, that auror, it should be...
So badly fated...uncoordinated...
ME....
That is who I've been,
Mrs. Whirlwind...
I wreak hell, I feel sorrow
No tomorrow
Where I won't break your stuff!
That is who I've been,
Mrs. Whirlwind...
I wreak hell, I feel sorrow
No tomorrow
Where I won't break your stuff!
Who smashed all things upon the world
And who could change your looks at will...
You'd notice her.
And strew things all over the place
And spun around like a windmill...
You'd notice it.
You never hear the patter of their feet
Unless, of course, that person coming through
Is deadly clumsy, noisy entrance You-Know-Who!
Mrs. Whirlwind
I wreak hell, I feel sorrow
No tomorrow
Where I won't break your stuff!
Whirlwind, Mrs. Whirlwind
That is who I've been
Mrs. Whirlwind
I wreak hell, I feel sorrow
No tomorrow
Where I won't break your stuff!
Give 'em the old Heroism
Heroism, boy!
Just keep yourself strong
And hold the fort
And there'll be retorts
Against Voldemort!
Show them power, kid!
What if with you the Prophet is not bored?
What if you're not sure you're auspicious?
What if Sirius sleeps with the fishes?
Heroism, boy, will defeat the Dark Lord!
Strengthen our side, boy!
This always will be your own Odyssey
You shall fulfill Trelawney's prophecy!
I'll be with you, kid!
Now that they know the truth is what you've told...
The one who'll sweep your basement floor is
That little one they call Dolores...
Heroism, boy, sets you off from the fold!
Overpower 'em!
Rodolphus and his brother Rabastan
Thanks to you, boy, are now in Azkaban!
Blow the DE's off!
When you're in trouble, cast a light-side spell!
Though you are just a fifteen-year-old
Your hero's tale is being here told!
Heroism, boy, will send Voldy to hell!
Heroism, boy!
Show the DE's their boss has gone too far!
Long as the dark lord falls to your hand,
No one will level other demands.
Heroism, boy. (Heroism, boy.)
Heroism, boy....Is what earned you your scar!