How to Succeed Against Baseness Without Even Dying

An Order of the Phoenix musical based on Frank Loesser's How to Succeed in Business Without Even Trying

How Come?
Friday Evening Ballet
My Place Here At 12 Grimmauld
Old Rogue Elf/Happy to Serve Lord Voldemort
The Ministry Way
Animagus
The Entrance of Dolores Umbridge
This Secretary is Not a Joy
Lord Voldy
How to Succeed (DA Version)
I Believe You'll Lose/Lifelong Ban
Harry Potter, Buddy
Happy to Serve Lord Voldemort II
It's Occlumency
Lord Harry
A Dumbledore Army
How to Succeed (DE Version)
Coughing Fake
It's Legilimency
A Hate Worse Than Ugly Trolls
Thestral Dance
The Mystery Way
Magical Evil Spell
Dumbledore's Entr'acte
I Believe It's True
The Alastor Way

NOTE: This musical is based on the 1995 revival of H2$ with Matthew Broderick, rather than the 1961 original with Robert Morse. The later recording features more of the spoken dialogue, orchestral entr'actes, reprises and the instrumental bridges. However, the song Cinderella, Darling (here filked as Harry Potter, Buddy) can only be heard on the earlier recording.

How Come? (OOP, Chap. 1-2)

THE SCENE: 4 Privet Drive. The Dursley residence is seemingly unoccupied, although the TV set is broadcasting. HARRY appears as a window-washer, hoping to surreptitiously catch the evening news for possible information on Voldemort's latest misdeeds. In the meantime, he listens to an AudioBook, read by a wizard with an avuncular and authoritative tone.

NOTE: HARRY wears these audio-headphones throughout the musical - he has wrapped his Invisibility Cloak around them so they remain undetected.

AUDIOBOOK: "How to Succeed Against Baseness Without Even Dying: A Guide for Young Heroic Wizards." Chapter One: Summertime. You are a young wizard of in possession of a noble legacy, with many great deeds to your credit and from whom even greater things are expected. You are brave, loyal, stalwart, determined, yet modest, and you have the requisite "Saving-people-thing" in spades. Naturally, being of a bold and active temperament, you will find yourself chafing under the stifling yet necessary limitations placed on underage magic during your summers spent outside Hogwarts. And if you happen to be from a Muggle home, you will inevitably find yourself "out of the loop," as your contacts with the Wizarding World become much more limited than you would prefer.

During such hiatus in your youthful career, you will of course recognize the temporary nature of these inconveniences, which you will regard with maturity and equanimi-

HARRY switches the AudioBook off as the TV news begins

TV ANNOUNCER: In the Muggle news today, our lead story: Bungy the Budgie has found a novel way to stay cool this summer. He's learned to water-ski! Meanwhile, in the Wizarding World, the Ministry of Magic reported today that the search for WMD4s - Wizards of Magical Diabolical Devilish Demonical Devastation - continues to prove fruitless. There is absolutely no evidence to indicate the return of You-Know-Who, despite the repeated allegations of a certain obsolete old dingbat at Hogwarts and his notorious protégé, that publicity-seeking young show-off currently residing in Little……

Enraged, HARRY bursts into song…...

HARRY (music):
How come....

….only to fall off his scaffolding and into the Dursley flower bed. A couple seconds of silence, then HARRY leaps out of the bushes to resume his song

How come there's this lack of news?
How come I've no owl from Dumble?
How come Herm & Ron won't talk?
How come Voldy stays so quiet?

How come I'm left to rot on Privet Drive
How to respond when I can't use my wand
And none care if I'm dead or alive?

It's news, it's news that I need.
But none ….no one pays heed!

Dudley and his gang dance in, exhibiting virtuoso pugilistic choreography. As the gang members retreat to the background, DUDLEY & HARRY engage in a confrontational pas de duex

HARRY (mockingly):
How come they call you "Big D"?

DUDLEY:
How come you sleep-talk of Cedric?

HARRY (raising his wand):
How come I don't hex you now?

Everything goes suddenly dark

DUDLEY (raising his fists):
How come you turned all the lights off?

DUDLEY smashes HARRY's face and passes out. HARRY recovers his wand and determines the cause of the disturbance, as a CHORUS OF DEMENTORS glide in.

HARRY (with vocalizing CHORUS):
How come dementors now float through our 'hood
Turning off stars
Making things all ajar
Showing they're plainly up to no good.

HARRY conjures his Patronus, which rapidly dispatches the DEMENTORS. ENTER a Ministry Owl, which delivers its message and then flaps away.

This charm has made them repelled
But I'm….I'm now expelled!

Friday Evening Ballet (OOP, Chap. 3)

To the orchestral entr'acte Saturday Morning Ballet

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive, Friday evening, August 6, 1995.

AUDIOBOOK: Chapter 3. Injustice. A hero's life is not an easy one. Injustice and unfairness will be routinely allotted to you. No doubt, even now, your mettle is being tested. You will of course respond to such happenstances by contacting your most trusted allies, and then serenely awaiting their intervention, confident in their ability to -

Deep in despair, HARRY turns off the AudioBook, sends Hedwig with message for SIRIUS, RON & HERMIONE, then withdraws into his bedroom. After some desultory efforts at activity, he throws himself on his bed without undressing. Enter - at the first orchestral crescendo - the members of the Advance Guard. They help HARRY rally his spirit and pack his things. Exeunt omnes on broomstick.

My Place Here At 12 Grimmauld (OOP, Chap. 4)

To the tune of The Love From A Heart of Gold

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. HARRY arrives with the Advance Guard. Upon entering, he is shocked by dark Dark Arts look of the surroundings, but then meets the owner of the estate.

SIRIUS: Hello, Harry, I see you've met my mother….

HARRY: But what's a portrait of your mother doing here?

SIRIUS: Hasn't anyone told you? - This was my parents' house……

SIRIUS (music):
Here you may see my mansion
It's my Place here at 12 Grimmauld
All encrusted with grime
But our choice for expansion
OOP
Taking hold

Meet all my family members
Screaming lungs filled with Slyth'rin cold
Oh, here's our hallway with house-elf heads dismembered
It's my Place here at 12 Grimmauld

Enter MOLLY, followed by FRED, GEORGE, RON, GINNY & HERMIONE, all dressed in janitorial uniforms

MOLLY:
Now, we will clean this mansion
Super-dusty with dirt and mold
For much more than ten years
It has ev'ry trash can shun
Filled with junk….

SIRIUS:
Filled with junk
Uncontrolled…

MOLLY:
Uncontrolled…

MOLLY & SIRIUS (to HARRY):
You may well sense some tension
Over how much you should be told,
But we are both agreed that we'll fight your suspension
At his/my Place here at 12 Grimmauld

Old Rogue Elf/Happy to Serve Lord Voldemort (OOP, Chap. 4, 6)

To the tune of New Rochelle & Happy To Keep His Dinner Warm

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. Catching up with his better two-thirds, HARRY is introduced to the Black family domestic help.

HARRY: Who's Kreacher?

RON: The house-elf who lives here. Nutter. Never met one like him….

(music)
Old rogue elf, old rogue elf
He's the staff at this mansion so glum
Though Dobby reminds us of Jar-Jar,
This Kreacher is strictly Gollum.

He mutters
His utter
Hatred of things his Mistress reviled.
He isn't so nice, this old rogue elf,
He's sure ain't no SPEW poster child……

(spoken) C'mon let's go to dinner, I'm starving…..

EXIT the TRIO. KREACHER emerges from the shadows, a resentful gleam in his eye.

KREACHER (spoken): Unnatural little beasts they are, oh how my Mistress would cry, if Kreacher's Mistress saw him in such company, what would she say.….and what else would Kreacher's Mistress say if she knew that Kreacher felt a filksong coming on, oh the degradation of it, the shame…

Key of B-Flat, if you will….

(music)
I'll be so happy to serve Lord Voldemort
In the third person with cursin'
Happy to help his total war
As Mistress eerily screams them all down…
…I'll be there,

Hoping to help advance his cause
Perhaps through spying,
And lying
Hoping to say
"Dear Sirius,
You're dead meat!"
Once You-Know-Who
Comes to town….

I'm forced to obey traitor filth
I reject,
To mask my true self
Through a passive-but-most-aggressive disrespect.
I long to betray ev'ry Auror in this town
Who wear Phoenix gowns
I'm hoping…

…..To save the family photographs
Which I'll deposit
In closet

Happy to serve Lord Voldemort
As Mistress eerily screams them all down….
Eerily screams them all down!

end music

(spoken) Nasty little bit of dreadful filksong, oh my poor list elves, what would say if they heard Kreacher's vile attempts at this inferior artform, oh, the disgrace of it all, oh the disgrace……..

Exit KREACHER. Mother Black begins screaming

The Ministry Way (OOP, Chap. 8)

To the tune of The Company Way

THE SCENE: The Wizengamot. Completely alone, HARRY faces Minister of Magic CORNELIUS FUDGE, Senior Undersecretary DOLORES UMBRIDGE and the rest of the Ministers on charges of violating the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Magic and the International Statute of Secrecy.

FUDGE:
When I heard the news
Of this brash young man
Well I said to myself: "Now, brash young man,
Just keep casting your spells -
Our Wizengamot
Will guarantee you get expelled!"

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
We play for keeps!

FUDGE (music):
We'll try you the Ministry way
For Underage Magic on
Wisteria Way.

HARRY:
I had to save my life….

FUDGE:
Why don't you save your breath?

HARRY:
Supposing the Ministry bears in...

FUDGE:
I'm bored to death

HARRY:
When can I say...?

FUDGE:
You shouldn't say!

HARRY:
Your court is a Ministry court
Where trials of ol' Karkaroff
And young Crouch were fought.

FUDGE:
The Ministry bureaucrats…

UMBRIDGE:
Oh we'll sue you now!

FUDGE:
The Ministry leadership….

UMBRIDGE:
Shall not kowtow

HARRY (spoken)
Is there any place for defense?

DUMBLEDORE (offstage, spoken):
My department!

Enter DUMBLEDORE who serenely steps in and takes a seat, much to the discomfort of FUDGE & UMBRIDGE

HARRY (music, aside)
We'll now hear gallant speaking
From the defense
Dumbledore has got my back

DUMBLEDORE:
I'm hoping that this courtroom will soon see sense

HARRY (aside)
But I cannot get him to make eye contact!

UMBRIDGE:
But Fudge plays it the Ministry way.

FUDGE:
How dare he, this Potter here to question clay!

UMBRIDGE:
He'll never lie out of this plot….

FUDGE & UMBRIDGE:
For there's one thing clear,
Who raises the Ministry's ire
Will not long be here!

FUDGE (spoken)
Ah, we'll certainly find his crime…

DUMBLEDORE (spoken, aside):
They're klutzy...

FUDGE (music):
This rule is a Ministry rule

UMBRIDGE:
Break Paragraph C, sir,
And you're out of school.

FUDGE:
Hey, that Underage Sorcery

UMBRIDGE:
Oh how vile, how coarse

FUDGE:
The Statute of Secrecy

UMBRIDGE:
Has to be enforced.

HARRY (spoken, aside)
That headache head witch, she's atrocious.

FUDGE (spoken):
So let's try him!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken):
Your case is too weak.

FUDGE (music):
Do you have any witness?

Enter ARABELLA FIGG in her housecoat, looking confused and anxious

DUMBLEDORE:
I've a witness, Mrs. Figg saw 'mentors glide

FIGG:
Oh yes I saw them running…

DUMBLEDORE:
No, not running, you mean gliding, dear, so Harry has not lied!

FIGG:
Huh?

DUMBLEDORE:
So let's vote it, dear Ministers, pray,
Executive clemency
For my protégé.

A show of Wizengamot hands acquits HARRY

FUDGE:
We've hardly got any hands

HARRY (joyously):
Now I'll have no fear.
In spite of the Ministry's ire
I will still be here.

DUMBLEDORE (hastily preparing to exit):
He will still be here.

FUDGE & UMBRIDGE (aside):
Fear, never fear, for we senders
Still will send dementors near!

Exit all, DUMBLEDORE still avoiding eye contact with HARRY

Animagus (OOP Chap. 10)

To the tune of Grand Old Ivy

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. Ready to begin Year Five, HARRY prepares to leave for King's Cross Station

HARRY (spoken): Guard? We have to go to King's Cross with a guard?

HERMIONE: You have to go to King's Cross with a guard…

MOLLY (to SIRIUS, offstage): Oh, for heaven's sake, Sirius, Dumbledore said no!

Enter Sirius, in the guise of PADFOOT

MOLLY (resigned) Oh, honestly! - well, on your own head be it…..

PADFOOT (music, bursting through the front door):
Hound dog!

HARRY (likewise):
Hound dog!

PADFOOT (proudly marching together with HARRY):
Animagus
Lends you support
Animagus
Your canine escort.

BOTH:
Animagus
The greatest dane
Cross, cross, cross
Toward King's Cross and the train

HARRY:
When you jog with a dog

PADFOOT:
As you're dodging traffic through the London streets

HARRY:
We're dodging traffic through the streets.

PADFOOT:
And we're making all the kitty-cats retreat

HARRY:
Making the kitty-cats retreat

PADFOOT:
Don't forget, boy

BOTH:
That's why he/I patrol(s) as
Patrol(s) as…..

As they enter King's Cross, they are seen by LUCIUS & DRACO MALFOY, who instantly recognize PADFOOT's guise

ALL FOUR
Hound dog!
Hound dog!

LUCIUS (simultaneous with below)
Whose dog? Whose dog?
It's, it's, it's a `Magus

DRACO: (simultaneous with above)
Animagus
Sirius Black

LUCIUS & DRACO:
Animagus
We shall set you back

LUCIUS
Hound dog! Found dog!
(spoken) We got him!

LUCIUS & DRACO:
That dog must die,
That mutt is nailed
Trip, trip, trip -
The 'Magus through the Veil!

The Entrance of Dolores Umbridge (OOP, Chap. 11)

To the orchestral entr'acte The Entrance of Hedy LaRue

THE SCENE: The Great Hall, during the start-of-term festivities.

AUDIOBOOK: Chapter 11. New Professors. As you begin your new academic year, you may be taking classes under the guidance of a new professor. Since your professors exercise a key influence upon your Wizarding career both short and long-term, it is essential that you quickly evaluate their character, to determine whether you should regard them as valuable allies or unsympathetic antagonists. One key factor to consider: the smaller the degree of pedagogical talent that a professor has, the more powerful their supporters in the higher levels of the Ministry -

HARRY switches off his headphones. To a vampy femme-fatale accompaniment, DOLORES UMBRIDGE strides in.

DUMBLEDORE: We are also delighted to introduce our new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, Professor Dolores Umbridge.

UMBRIDGE (interrupting Dumbledore) Hem, hem! Thank you, Headmaster, for those kind words of welcome. The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance. The rare gifts with which you were born may come to nothing if not nurtured and honed by careful instruction. The ancient skills unique to the….(UMBRIDGE drones on, etc, etc)

HERMIONE (aside, to HARRY): Well, this is certainly illuminating…

HARRY: It sounds like a load of waffle to me. What does it mean?

HERMIONE: It means the Ministry's interfering at Hogwarts.

Segue to DADA class, as UMBRIDGE lectures. HARRY switches on his AudioBook

AUDIOBOOK: Chapter 13: Detention. As a young heroic wizard, a certain disregard of the rules is a healthy and vital characteristic. You will be bound to incur an occasional detention or two when you chance to cross a line at the wrong time or place. This is merely a natural consequence of your resolute and determined nature. Detention, however, is a place out of which you must get. Do not get stuck in detention - if you can't be good, be caref-

HARRY switches his AudioBook off, and listens in on UMBRIDGE'S lecture.

UMBRIDGE (spoken): Professor Quirrell at least appears to have restricted himself to age-appropriate subjects that would have passed a Ministry inspection

HARRY (yelling through a megaphone): Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher - there was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!

HERMIONE, RON & AUDIOBOOK: Dammit, Harry, not again!!

UMBRIDGE (licking her lips): I think another week's detentions would do you some good, Mr. Potter…..

This Secretary Is Not A Joy (OOP, Chap. 13 and etc.)

To the tune of A Secretary Is Not a Toy

THE SCENE: The DADA Office. UMBRIDGE and the INQUISITORIAL SQUAD prepare for another evening of detention with Harry Potter. The SQUAD is already present as UMBRIDGE enters.

DRACO (spoken): Slytherins! Slytherins!

May I present Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic…

UMBRIDGE (music):
This Secretary is not a joy,
No, my boy;
Not too coy to butcher and batter
And permanent shatter
Those who won't comply with my ploys.

UMBRIDGE & THE SQUAD:
No, this Secretary is not,
Definitely not a joy.

THE SQUAD (spoken, variously, smirking)
-You're absolutely right, Undersecretary Umbridge!
-We wouldn't have any other way, Undersecretary Umbridge!
-It's a Ministry rule, Undersecretary Umbridge!

UMBRIDGE (music, flirting with DRACO in a stylized manner):
This Secretary will prove a joy
For Malfoy,
He's my boy.

So all of your wiles employ,
Boy!

UMBRIDGE & THE SQUAD:
This Secretary is not...
As far as Harry J. Pott,
This Secretary is not ...a joy!

THE SQUAD:
She's a highly glacialized key
Opponent of educational munity...
To foul and primitive organisms
She never will grant immunity
She gave the OK for our Squad…

PARKINSON:
…That is straight from the pages of Marquis de Sade!

MONTAGUE:
This Secretary is quite a threat,
Much to Potter's regret

BULSTRODE:
Her quill
That he writes with
Is what she indicts with
For all those who dare to annoy,
Boy!

THE SQUAD leap unto the desktops to continue their dance. BULSTRODE enchants the desks so their legs can perform elaborate Broadway-style choreography.

THE SQUAD:
This Secretary's going to be
Issuing stern decrees.

PARKINSON:
Oh, she supports Draco Malfoy, boy!

DRACO
I am her greatest ally
I trust all of you know why

UMBRIDGE
This foe of Harry's my pride... and joy!

The members of the Squad simultaneously don glasses with black frames and slap a stick-on lightening-bolt scar tattoo on their foreheads. They take their seats in a mock- detention, as UMBRIDGE tosses black quills to the Quartet

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
"I" "I" "I" "I" "I"

THE SQUAD (pretending to write)
"I" "I" "I" "I" "I"

UMBRIDGE:
"Must Not" "Must Not"

THE SQUAD (pretending to write)
"Must Not" "Must Not"

UMBRIDGE:
"I must not tell lies"

THE SQUAD (pretending to write)
"I must not tell lies"
"I must not tell lies"

The SQUAD leap from their desks displaying their left hands with the word "LIES" seemingly carved in blood.

Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!

The SQUAD dissolves in laughter - the red letters are also of course tattoos.

DRACO's entire arm gushes a geyser of make-believe blood, causing the SQUAD to again dissolve in laughter.

THE SQUAD (in mock anguish)
Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

MONTAGUE (inscribing the parchment with his black quill):
"The slick green snake sneaks over the lousy lion"

UMBRIDGE uses an Evanesco spell to clear the stage for the big chorus-line finale. The SQUAD and UMBRIDGE are back on their desktops, with the desks all high-kicking in the big chorus-line finish

UMBRIDGE & THE SQUAD (music):
What need for Bellatrix?
Harry will get his licks
From MOM's dominatrix!
(Oh, we're so sick!)
My/Her Id's straight out of Freud!
My/her wrath he can't avoid!
This Secretary predicts
He'll be destroyed!

As the final chord resounds, the SQUAD withdraws into the shadows. UMBRIDGE quickly takes her proper seat, assuming her usual unctuous manner. Enter Harry, with a stoic look.

UMBRIDGE (spoken, directing him to his desk)
Good evening, Mr. Potter……Well, sit down……

Black-out

Lord Voldy (OOP, Chap. 15)

To the tune of the Act I Finaletto (the Rosemary reprise "a la Bellini")

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. HARRY is reluctant to accept HERMIONE & RON'S plan to organize an extra-curricular Dark Arts Defense Class, until HERMIONE offers a stunning verbal gesture.

HARRY (spoken, angry):
You don't know what it's like! You - neither of you - you've never had to face him, have you?

HERMIONE (timidly):
Harry…don't you see? This …this is exactly why we need you. We need to know what it's really like…facing him…facing V-Voldemort.

Having uttered the unspeakable name, HERMIONE's mood changes to one of bold resolution. RON remains timorous.

HERMIONE (music):
Suddenly I have courage...

RON (spoken):
Put a cap on it...

HERMIONE:
...and I dare speak his name.

RON: (spoken)
Please don't let her!
(music) Don't say it!...

HERMIONE:
...Lord Voldy!

HARRY:
She'll now present….

HERMIONE:
I'll now present….

HARRY:
...a Voldemort downsizing!

RON (to HARRY):
You must tell her now to stop it...

HERMIONE:
Lord Voldy!

RON (to HERMIONE):
You must stop...

HARRY:
…V-O-L-D-Y…

RON (to HERMIONE):
You must...

HERMIONE:
Even though I may stutter
I yet boldly declaim...

HARRY (spoken):
..unusually spellbinding!

HARRY, HERMIONE & (RON):
Lord Voldy! (Don't say it!)

HARRY (locking eyes with HERMIONE):
Remember it's Lord Voldy!

RON: (spoken)
I can't stand it!

HERMIONE (locking eyes with HARRY):
I'll now enunciate Lord Voldy!

HARRY (spoken, with admiration):
Boy! When I hear you say "Voldemort"...

HARRY & HERMIONE (music):
There's a wonderful power
As you're/I'm daring to….

RON:
How my ears burn...!

HARRY & HERMIONE:
...say his ...

RON:
How my ears burn!!!

HARRY & HERMIONE:
...name!!

HARRY & HERMIONE raise their hands and voices triumphantly, as RON flees with his hands over his ears

How to Succeed - DA Version (OOP, Chap. 18)

To the tune of How To Succeed

THE SCENE: The Room of Requirement. The newly-created DA enters for the first time.

CHO (spoken):
It's fantastic!

HERMIONE (spoken):
And just look at all these books…

RON:
"A Compendium of Common Curses"

LUNA:
"Self-Defensive Spellwork"

NEVILLE:
"Derring-Do for Dummies"

GINNY:
"How to Repossess Your Possession"

HARRY (music):
"How To Defy a Dark Mob"
"How To Advance In Your Spell Work"
"How To Gross Out The Grotesque"
"How To De-Jinx Counter-Jinxes"
How to develop alternative schools
How to include that poor Longbottom dude,
So that he'll be superlative cool.

This room is all that we need.
How to... How to succeed!

HARRY (with DA CHORUS singing each "How To")
"How To Use Disarming Spells."
"How To Outsmart All The Dark Arts"
"How To Destroy Evil Fiends."
"How To Make Use Of The Foe-Glass."
How to lead a Dark Arts Defense class
With Cho Chang here
Chilling me when she's near
As I teach them Expelliarmus!

HARRY & DA CHORUS
This room is all that we need.
Now to...
Now to proceed!

Segue to the Quidditch Field. As HARRY prepares for the season opener against Slytherin, he switches on the AudioBook.

AUDIOBOOK: Chapter 19. Relaxation. You have alertly seized your opportunities and have assumed an important position of leadership amongst your peers. You have a displayed an advanced level of knowledge, a high degree of supportiveness, and a decisive quality of command to such an extent that even little twerps like Zacharias Smith cannot help but be impressed. But such executive functioning, no matter how rewarding it may be, is invariably stressful. Participating in an extra-curricular sports team is a recommended method of relieving stress. Quidditch, the proverbial sport of Wizards, is a valuable mechanism as both a way of having "fun," and of fostering valuable alliances. You will, of course, observe the highest level of sportsmanship throughout, recalling that when all is said and done, it is only a game….as opposed to the deadly serious conflicts you face in reality - and refuse to be baited by even the most malicious taunts the opposition might choose to…..

HARRY switches AudioBook off

I Believe You'll Lose/Lifelong Ban (OOP, Chap. 19)

To the tune of Gotta Stop That Man & I Believe In You

THE SCENE: The Quidditch field. For the first game of the season, and RON's debut as Keeper, it's Slytherin vs. Gryffindor. As the two teams take the field, DRACO plots to musically unhinge his opponents

ANGELINA (spoken, to RON): All set for the big game?

RON (spoken, without much conviction) Ah - yeah - wish me luck

SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM: (spoken, sarcastically) Good luck!

(music)
Gonna stop their team
We've gonna stop that team's goals
Through Ron Weasley.

Big house of lion
We'll see 'em by slow inches dyin'
Gonna stop, gonna stop,
Gonna stop that Ron.

As the game commences, DRACO leads, from atop his broom, the SLYTHERIN CHORUS in a song of his own devising

DRACO:
Now there he is.
Yes, there's that guy
That guy we style "Our King"
It will so harass him to
Hear us say it.
So let us now sing,
Let us now sing.

You have the clumsy
Clasp of a Keeper without any clues

Yet, there's that slow reflex
That cannot Quaffle-entry refuse

DRACO & SLYTHERIN CHORUS
Oh, I believe you'll lose
I believe you'll lose

DRACO
I see those peasant roots
Of one used to a bin for a bed.

Yet, there's that regal air
Of King Charles when losing his head (Chop! Chop!)

DRACO & SLYTHERIN CHORUS
Oh, I believe you'll lose
I believe you'll lose!

Ron is so stunned by the incredible sophistication and wit of DRACO's lyrics that he is unable to concentrate on the game, allowing the SQT to score at will. Fortunately, HARRY grabs the Snitch to secure victory

FRED (to HARRY):
Just when my faith in my youngest bro
Took a tailspin
I've but to see your hand grasp the Snitch
To cry "We win!"
Cry "We win!"

As the TWINS and the GQT congratulate HARRY, DRACO decides the time is ripe to bait them

DRACO
You have the swollen
Rep of a Seeker who most overrate

So I'll bad-mouth your folks
And you'll all boil over with hate.

HARRY, FRED & GEORGE
Oh, we believe you're through
We believe you're through…

HARRY & GEORGE attack DRACO, as FRED is just barely restrained from doing so by his teammates. Enter UMBRIDGE with the SQT

UMBRIDGE & SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM:
That's a lifelong ban.
That's a lifelong ban.

THE SLYTH CHORUS play Kazoos as UMBRIDGE theatrically unscrolls her latest decree

We'll stop you three
We now feel smugly
We even can rhyme "fat" and "ugly"

Gonna start, gonna start,
Gonna start that ban

DRACO & UMBRIDGE
Oh, I believe you're through…

SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM
No longer are you three heroes

DRACO & UMBRIDGE
Oh, I believe you're through…

DRACO, UMBRIDGE & SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM:
It's a lifelong ban!
Now we stopped them!
Take their brooms!
How we stopped them!
Took their brooms!
How we stopped them!
Got a lifelong ban!
Yeah!

EXIT the GQT ingloriously as the SQT gloats triumphantly

Segue to St. Mungo's, outside of Arthur's hospital room. As the Twins' make ready the Extendible Ears, HARRY switches the AUDIOBOOK on.

AUDIOBOOK: Chapter 21. Dreams. Your dreams are always to be regarded as valuable psychic messages of the utmost importance, to which you should be greatly thankful. Unless you are having dreams in which you assume the perspective of a reptile or an Evil Dark Lord, in which case you are in terrible trouble: This means that the aforementioned Dark Lord is grappling for control of your mind. There is only one thing that can -

The TWINS indicate that the Ears are ready. HARRY switches the AUDIOBOOK off

MOLLY: You know, Dumbledore seems almost to have been waiting for Harry to see something like this….

MOODY: 'Course he's worried…..obviously, Potter doesn't know what that means, but if You-Know-Who's possessing him….

HARRY pulls out the Extendible Ears and runs away, as the Weasleys look appalled and frightened

Harry Potter, Buddy (OOP, Chap. 23)

To the tune of Cinderella, Darling

THE SCENE: HARRY, convinced that he is possessed by LORD VOLDEMORT, decides to leave the Wizarding World for good, lest he betray his friends to the Dark Lord. He prepares to leave 12 Grimmauld Place in the guise of the archetypal runaway, with all his worldly possessions wrapped in a bandana tied around the end of his Firebolt. Just as he is about to open the door, and abandon forever everything he has ever cherished, he is interrupted by a sardonic voice.

PHINEAS (spoken): I have a message for you from Albus Dumbledore.

HARRY (not turning from the door): What is it?

PHINEAS (spoken): Actually, it's a singing telegram….

Enter the ENSEMBLE, consisting of SIRIUS, RON, GINNY & HERMIONE. Enter from the opposite direction, a CHORUS OF GRIMMAULD BOGGARTS. Throughout the song, HARRY faces toward the door, and away from his friends, refusing to face them or to speak till the end

SIRIUS (music):
You've never faced a crisis that has ever seemed to be
Any harrier.

CHORUS OF BOGGARTS (in the guise of Dementors):
Horror to ya!

RON:
For evil visions seem to prove
Somehow you've crossed the serpent/human barrier.

CHORUS OF BOGGARTS:
Horror to ya!

GINNY:
Why treat yourself like you are a Dark Lord carrier?
Why don't you ask a girl who once read from Tommy's diary,
By You-Know-Who possessed once.

CHORUS OF BOGGARTS:
Horror to ya!

HERMIONE:
Why does our Harry Potter want to act like a dunce?

ALL (except HERMIONE and HARRY):
Harry, please don't be a dunce!

HERMIONE:
Don't you realize, you're the ultimate Alpha male,
For Bildungsroman?
For the readers and our sake
Please, Harry, c'mon!

ENSEMBLE:
C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!
Don't... Don't... Don't...
Harry Potter, buddy
Don't act like a dunce.

SIRIUS:
Don't drop from the story.
You're the legend, the filk star
Even if your dreams are gory.

ENSEMBLE:
We rely on you, Harry,
Please do not pull stupid stunts
Camaraderie with Potter, we!
Don't, Harry Potter,
Don't act like a dunce.

RON:
Oh, we have lived it with you,
Each volume and each page,
From the Fiery Goblet…

SIRIUS: The Azkaban Pris'ner
GINNY: Secret Riddle Chamber
HERMIONE: Philosophical Stone
It's been Harry P. all the way

Enter KREACHER, rudely interrupting the proceedings

SIRIUS (angry): No! Old rouge elf!

ENSEMBLE (except HERMIONE):
Old rouge elf, go away!

As the ENSEMBLE continues to plead with HARRY, KREACHER withdraws and contemplates how to put to use his Master's command to a literal and useful purpose

KREACHER - aside - (and ENSEMBLE, to HARRY)
Oh, let me now be heinous (Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease)
My pretext may be spurious (Pleeeeeeeeeeeease)
No more can Black detain us (Pleeeeeeeeeeeease)
I'm off to meet my Precious (Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease)
Tis you, my Narcissa, who'll refresh us (Oooooooooooooooo)
So it is you to whom I'll stray (Mmmmmmmmmmm)
And Lucius.

ENSEMBLE:
Choose us!
And don't, don't...
Don't...Harry Potter, buddy
Don't act like a dunce.

SIRIUS:
No denial of your enchantment!
You're enabled,
And nimble
No more Boy-Who-Lived recant-ment!

ENSEMBLE:
We rely on you, buddy
And we're pained by your affronts
Don't wind up like poor ol' Wormytail
Don't, Harry Potter, don't
Don't... Don't...
Don't, Harry Potter, don't,
Don't... Don't...
Don't, Harry Potter, don't!
Don't act like a dunce.

HARRY (spoken, turning to face everyone):
All right! I'll give it one more try.

CHORUS OF BOGGARTS (in the guise of Dementors):
Horrors to us!

One by one, the CHORUS OF BOGGARTS explode as HARRY, smiling broadly in spite of himself, embraces his friends and allies. In the excitement and joy, no one observes KREACHER as he Apparates to the Malfoy Mansion

Happy to Serve Lord Voldemort II (OOP, Chap. 25)

To the tune of Happy to Keep His Dinner Warm (reprise)

THE SCENE: Azkaban. With dementors waving goodbye, ten notorious Death Eaters walk out of the prison. BELLATRIX LESTRANGE rejoices that she will soon be reunited with her Lord.

BELLATRIX:
Oh, I am freed by the Lord they all fear
I dance in the dark
As his dastardly unforgiveableness draws near
I'm proud to be part of this massive prison break….
Our arisen snake!
Such Evil!

Bonding with former 'mentor foes
While he casts curse words
And worse words.

Happy to serve Lord Voldemort,
As he quite warily hunts
Them all down!

BELLATRIX and the other Death Eaters Apparate off of Azkaban isle to Voldemort's hidden retreat. Segue to HARRY & HERMIONE reading The Daily Prophet's account of the break-out. HARRY switches on his AudioBook again, after backing it up a few seconds.

AUDIOBOOK:.....dreams in which you assume of the perspective of a reptile or an Evil Dark Lord, in which case you are in terrible trouble: This means that the aforementioned Dark Lord is grappling for control of your mind. There is only one thing that can save you. You must take lessons in Occlumency, dilgently applying yourself to master this pivotal skill as rapidly as possible-

It's Occlumency (OOP, Chap. 24 & 26)

To the tune of It's Been a Long Day

THE SCENE: The Potions Dungeon. Skilled Legilimencan (Legilimencist?) DUMBLEDORE decides to listen in on one of SNAPE'S Occlumency lessons with HARRY (Uncanonical, I know, but this song requires three voices).

DUMBLEDORE:
Well, here it is six p.m.
The dungeon I furtive approach.
And there they are both of them,
Young hacker Harry and his coach.

Both all-too-well acquainted.
Not very much rapport
So I can hear those two bitter foes
Waging a war.

Now, he's thinking:

SNAPE:
For this assignment I never begged.

DUMBLEDORE:
And he's thinking:

HARRY:
If only I could break both his legs.

DUMBLEDORE:
Now, he's saying:

SNAPE:
You have to call me "Sir"

DUMBLEDORE:
And he's thinking:

HARRY:
My dreaming I prefer.

DUMBLEDORE:
And he says:

SNAPE:
I warned you..

DUMBLEDORE:
And he says:

HARRY:
What's that? Sir?

SNAPE:
Well, it's Occlumency.

ALL:
Well, it's Occlumen,
Occlumen, Occlumen
Occlumency!

DUMBLEDORE:
Now, he's saying:

SNAPE:
The Dark Lord pokes around in your head

DUMBLEDORE:
And he's thinking:

HARRY:
Why is it Snape says minds can't be read?

DUMBLEDORE:
Now he's saying:

SNAPE:
You've got to clear your brain

DUMBLEDORE:
And he's saying:

HARRY:
Just how you won't explain!

DUMBLEDORE:
And he says:

SNAPE:
Legilimens!

DUMBLEDORE:
And he says:

HARRY (falling to his knees):
Aaaaargggghhhh!

SNAPE (spoken):
Manners!

HARRY:
Well, it's Occlumency!

ALL:
Well, it's Occlumen
Occlumen, Occlumen
Occlumency!

HARRY abruptly slides back into his chronic corridor-dream

HARRY (ecstatically):
Hey!
There's a sudden stunning vision I'm having
It's the D.O.M. door opening wide
And in this room with the black floors,
More doors, candles all blue,
At last inside,
Which one the first door to be tried?

SNAPE (spoken, furious):
Explain yourself!

HARRY (spoken, lying):
I lied!

DUMBLEDORE:
Now he's saying:

SNAPE:
You simply are refusing to work!

DUMBLEDORE:
And he's saying:

HARRY:
You say "The Dark Lord," you DE jerk…

DUMBLEDORE:
Now he's thinking:

SNAPE:
Why time waste on this dreck?

DUMBLEDORE:
And he's thinking:

HARRY:
My curse scar burns like heck

Inconsolable screaming is heard from the entrance hall

DUMBLEDORE:
And he says:

SNAPE:
What the - ?

DUMBLEDORE:
And he says:

HARRY: (spoken):
Who?

SNAPE: (spoken):
Where?

HARRY (spoken):
Why?

In the Entrance Hall, SNAPE & HARRY discover Prof. Trelawney, wailing madly after being cashiered by a gloating UMBRIDGE. Enter DUMBLEDORE in corporeal form

UMBRIDGE:
Well, it's Ms. Sibyll T!
Yes, it's miserable
Ms. Sibyll, Ms. Sibyll
Ms. Sibyll T.!

HARRY, SNAPE & DUMBLEDORE
Yes, it's miserable
Ms. Sibyll, Ms. Sibyll
Ms. S. P. T.!

Lord Harry (OOP, Chap. 26)

To the tune of Rosemary

THE SCENE: As HARRY falls asleep, he is immediately plunged into a dream/vision/Vulcan mind-meld of himself as The Dark Lord. He finds himself alone, in the robes of Voldemort (far too large for him), in a garish five-star Dark Wizard palace. HARRY is simultaneously fascinated and repelled by his new incarnation.

HARRY (spoken): I - I just realized - I should have listened to the Hat. It wanted to put me into Slytherin ever since it sorted through all my particulars. So, here I am - I'm now totally evil, and yet I feel good about myself! The Rev. David Bay is right - I am a Satan worshipper! - no, it's better than that - I'm a Me-Worshipper! - suddenly there's music all around me - like a symphony - such as the Mahler Fifth, with its opening Funeral March...

The song begins with a majestic flourish, prominently featuring the fanfare-like three-note "Rosemary" (i.e., "Lord Harry") motif, which recurs throughout (its appearances are indicated below)

HARRY (music):
Suddenly there's dark magic
And I cannot be named….

The Lord Harry motif rings out majestically

Lord Harry!

The Lord Harry motif rings out

Lord Harry!
There's a title of Dark Lord Wizard
That is now mine to claim

The Lord Harry motif

Lord Harry!

The Lord Harry motif, partial

Lord Harry!
Resolution
Is not near
I sent Commandos….

The orchestra quotes several bars of Franz Liszt's Totentanz for Piano & Orchestra

…..But get no spheres.
As for this
Rookwood, my DE servant
Bid him give me acclaim

The Lord Harry motif

ROOKWOOD (enter, with great fear, falling immediately to his knees)
Lord Harry!

The Lord Harry motif

Lord Harry!
There is terrible magic from the Harry-Who-
Can't-Be-Named!

(spoken) Master, I crave your pardon…

HARRY (spoken):
Rookwood, something hideous has happened. Oh, don't you know it? Don't you know it?

(music) Seemingly months were wasted
But it's not you I blame

The Lord Harry motif softly

ROOKWOOD (spoken):
Avery doesn't know a thing, my Lord…..

The Lord Harry motif softly

HARRY: (music) Avery!
(spoken) Avery told me that Bode would be able to remove it...

ROOKWOOD (spoken):
Bode could never have taken it, Master…

HARRY (spoken):
Stand up, Rookwood - I shall need your help. I shall need all the information you can give me.

The Lord Harry motif, with augmented amplification

ROOKWOOD (spoken, with great relief):
You shall have it, Lord! You'll have it! You'll have it!

(music)
Shockingly there is mercy
From He-Who-Can't-Be-Named

The Lord Harry motif

Lord Harry!

The Lord Harry motif

HARRY:
Avery!
My intention
Is to curse
With a Crucio

The orchestra again quotes several bars of Franz Liszt's Totentanz, as Avery fearfully enters, and is immediately Crucio'd by HARRY

HARRY & ROOKWOOD (gazing contemptuously on Avery's tormented form):
He'll be made worse.

HARRY:
As for the
State of my current project,
I'll let Rookwood sustain.

The Lord Harry motif elaborated and augmented

HARRY/ROOKWOOD (exultantly):
Augustus! Augustus! / Lord Harry! Lord Harry!

The Lord Harry motif elaborated and augmented

There is terrible magic from the Harry-Who-
Can't-Be-Named!

The orchestra blazes to a triumphal climax. At the final chord, HARRY suddenly awakens back in Gryffindor, screams, and falls out of his bed

HARRY (screaming): EEEWWWWWWWWW!

RON: What?

THE SCENE: Outside the Room of Requirement. Alerted by Dobby, the DA flees the approach of UMBRIDGE & THE SQUAD. HARRY switches on the AUDIOBOOK as he runs

AUDIOBOOK: Chapter 27. Conflicts with Authority. It is always possible that your assumption of executive leadership may generate some degree of friction between you and the prevailing authorities. Should you find yourself enmeshed in such a conflict, you should have already acquainted yourself with a concept that Muggles refer to as "plausible deniability"…….

HARRY: (falling to the ground) AAARRGH!!

DRACO: Trip Jinx, Potter! Hey, Professor, I've got one!

Exit all, HARRY in UMBRIDGE'S custody

A Dumbledore Army (OOP, Chap. 27)

To the tune of The Brotherhood of Man

THE SCENE: The Headmaster's Office. HARRY is hauled in by UMBRIDGE for an alleged violation of Educational Decree No. 24. Before FUDGE and his Ministry minions, DUMBLEDORE offers a mock-confession to save HARRY from expulsion

DUMBLEDORE (spoken): Well, the game is up: would you like a written confession from me, Cornelius - or will a filksong before these witnesses suffice?

(music):
Now you may think that Potter here
Was forming clubs in secret
And plotting deeds so dastardly,
That few could dare to speak it.

But insofar as he's concerned
All charges you must drop.
For you shall learn that this fell scheme
Started right at the top

There is a Dumbledore Army,
A malevolent Dumbledore Army
A troop of sociopaths
To fight your heliopaths
As my own Dumbledore Army

This list of student invitees
I'm a-hoping to make them recruitees
Oh, they'd be proud to be in my conspiracy
The big bad Dumbledore Army!

HARRY (spoken): No, Professor Dumbledore!

DUMBLEDORE (spoken): Be quiet, Harry, or I am afraid you will have to leave my office….Now, Cornelius, stop and think…..

(music, to FUDGE)
Although I this confession make
Here's one thing you should know
Though you have plans to bring me in
I quietly won't go.
Your placing me in Azkaban
Would merely waste my time
I'd simply have to hurt you then
To prove to you that I'm…

….In …

CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
…In….

DUMBLEDORE:
…With…

CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
….With…

DUMBLEDORE:
….The….

CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
….The….

DUMBLEDORE & CHORUS
….Dumbledore Army
Dedicated to causing harm, are we

DUMBLEDORE:
Oh, I am going to seize
Of all of your Ministries

CHORUS OF PORTRAITS:
With the great Dumbledore Army!

FUDGE (spoken, stunned):
No kidding!
(music) Is there really a Dumbledore…..

PERCY, UMBRIDGE & DAWLISH (backup):
Yes, there's a Dumble….

FUDGE:
….Army?

PERCY, UMBRIDGE & DAWLISH (backup):
There is a Dumble…

FUDGE:
A belligerent Dumbledore Army?

PERCY, UMBRIDGE & DAWLISH:
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
He takes such umbrage
'Gainst Fudge & Umbridge

FUDGE:
He's formed a Dumbledore Army

PERCY, UMBRIDGE & DAWLISH:
Oh, yes! This list of students that we've seized
Is a-proving that Dumble is displeased

FUDGE, PERCY, UMBRIDGE & DAWLISH
Oh, we're so proud to be
Smashing conspiracies
Of big bad Dumbledore's Army!

FUDGE (to DUMBLEDORE):
Oh, you'll soon be kneeling
Time to send you reeling
Down with Dumble-dealing
Oh, Albus!
You, I got you

To PERCY, UMBRIDGE, DAWLISH & Shacklebolt

You, go get him….

McGONAGALL (scat singing)
Skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope skeetle-at-de-op-de-dum

The orchestral bridge is staged as a stylized dance sequence: DUMBLEDORE successively stuns each of the Ministry representatives, starting with DAWLISH, then PERCY, UMBRIDGE, Shacklebolt - exchanging a wink before doing so - and finally FUDGE

McGONAGALL (with CHORUS as back-up)
That pompous Min'stry drip will be
Quite a-sorry he dared to cross Dumbly
Ol' Fudge is gonna be livin' in infamy
Due to the Army…..

DUMBLEDORE (to HARRY, with antiphonal choral backup)
Now, please remember to, Harry
Keep a-learning all your Occlumency,
Oh, I'm so proud to see you've made reality
Of the great Dumble…..

ARMANDO DIPETT (scat singing)
Skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope skeetle-at-de-op-de-dum

DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL & CHORUS
Dumble!

PHINEAS NIGELLUS (scat singing)
Skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope skeetle-at-de-op-de-dore

DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL & CHORUS
Dumble!

DILYS DERWENT (scat singing)
Skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope skeetle-at-de-op-de-dore

DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL & CHORUS
Dumble!

FAWKES (scat singing)
Skeep-beep de bop-bop beep bop bo-dope skeetle-at-de-op-de-dore

ALL:
Dumbledore Army! Yeah!

DUMBLEDORE grasps Fawkes' tail and vanishes in a flash of fire. The MINISTERS regain consciousness. FUDGE dismisses McGONAGALL, HARRY & Marietta.

PHINEAS (spoken): You know, Minister, I disagree with Dumbledore on many counts….but you cannot deny that he's got style.

How to Succeed - DE Version

THE SCENE: VOLDEMORT'S study. The Dark Lord is wearing a set of headphones, and we suddenly realize that he is not the only AudioBook listener in this musical. The Voice of the Reader, oddly enough, is the same voice that reads HARRY's AudioBook.

AUDIOBOOK - Hey, look, I just read the things, OK, I don't write them! - "How to Succeed in Debasement With Everyone Dying - A Guide for Evil Dark Lords" - Chapter 1. This little book is designed to cover everything you need to know, assuming that you are an evil Dark Lord whose goal is world domination. If you are sadistic, devious, diabolical, and are willing to undergo dangerous magical transformations in your quest for limitless power, then you can!

VOLDEMORT (joyously, as if hearing it for the first time) I can!

AUDIOBOOK: If you have education, a 13½ inch yew wand made in part with Phoenix feathers, and a really cool Dark Mark, then so much the better. But thousands of evil madmen have conquered the world without any of those things. Simply have boundless ambition, insatiable cruelty, and a cold high demonic laugh. If you have those three things - then, you can!

VOLDEMORT (joyously) I can! MBAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!

Enter CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS. VOLDEMORT delivers a pep-talk to his minions.

VOLDEMORT (with DE CHORUS on each "How to"):
How to love hatred and fear
How to use Legilimency
How to arrange prison breaks
How to make deals with dementors

How to break into Fudge's Ministry
Grabbing the sphere
Of the S.P.T. seer
Letting me learn of her Prophecy!

VOLDEMORT
My plan is bound to succeed!

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
And then - how they will bleed!

Coughing Fake (OOP, Chap. 28-29)

To the tune of Coffee Break

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons. Gryffindor plots the demise of one Dolores Jane Umbridge.

FRED (spoken): What is it we all hate most about Umbridge? Her arrogant sadism? Her boring lectures? Her oppressive decrees? Her Technicolor kittens?

NEVILLE
It's that coughing…

GEORGE
That coughing…

GINNY
That coughing…

RON
That coughing…

HARRY
That coughing!

HERMIONE
That coughing!

ALL (unleashing their accumulated frustration):
Agggghhhhhh!!!!

FRED (music):
If we can't break
That coughing fake,
That coughing fake,
That coughing fake...
If we can't break
That coughing fake,
We are unfit to Wheeze.

FRED & GEORGE:
We'll cry that we're unfit to Wheeze

GEORGE:
If we can't do
Our humble bit
For Dumbledore
Before we quit,
And make Phase One
A mega-hit
We are unfit to Wheeze

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
They'll cry that they are unfit to Wheeze!

(severally)
That coughing!
That coughing!
That coughing!
That coughing! (What!)
That coughing! (Ahhh!)
That coughing!
That coughing! (No!)

FRED:
These fireworks
Will have to be incandescent.
You'll see them blaze
As we romp

GEORGE:
The corridor
Doesn't have to remain solid,
With the right prompt, it's a swamp.
By using our joke-shop inventions
With all due pomp.

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
Let us stomp!

GINNY adds her patented Umbridge impersonation in the background

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS & (GINNY):
We must attack
That coughing hack (HEM HEM!),
That coughing hack (HEM HEM HEM!),
That coughing hack (HEM HEM!),
We must attack (HEM HEM!),
That coughing hack (HEM HEM!)...

FRED & GEORGE:
We'll employ all our expertise!

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
Yes, they'll employ all their expertise!

As the instrumental bridge begins, segue to the first floor corridor. FRED & GEORGE unleash their pyrotechnics, as Umbridge and Filch make increasingly desperate and ineffective attempts to arrest the chaos. CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS whirl in, dancing defiantly

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
Coughing! Coughing! Coughing! Coughing! Coughing! Coughing! Coughing! Coughing! Ahh!

GEORGE:
If we can't break
That coughing fake.

FRED:
We've the backbone of cottage cheese

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
Coughing, coughing...

GEORGE:
We have some cowardly disease.

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS:
Coughing, coughing...

FRED & GEORGE:
Coughing is going to...

FRED, GEORGE & CHORUS OF GRYFFINDORS (right fists raised in the air, as fireworks flare behind them)
Coughing we'll not appease!
Coughing we'll not appease!
Coughing we'll not appease!

UMBRIDGE & FILCH stumble into the Portable Swamp and emerge covered in mud from head to toe

Coughing is going to
Cease!

End music. The mud-encrusted UMBRIDGE & FILCH approach the twins with as much dignity as they can muster

UMBRIDGE (to FRED & GEORGE): So, you think it's amusing to turn a corridor into a swamp, do you?

FRED: Pretty amusing, yeah.

FILCH: I've got the forms and I've got the whips waiting, Headmistress….Oh, let me do it now…..

UMBRIDGE: Very good, Argus. (to FRED & GEORGE) You two are about to learn what happens to wrong-doers in my school.

FRED: You know what? I don't think we are…I think we've outgrown full-time education.

FRED & GEORGE: Accio Brooms!

The brooms of FRED & GEORGE, broken chains clanking behind them, zoom in. The Twins ascend. A fresh wave of fireworks explode.

FRED & GEORGE (music)
Coughers we'll not appease!
Coughers we'll not appease!
Coughers we'll not appease!
Coughers they're going to
Seize!

They soar away, leaving UMBRIDGE and FILCH shaking with rage

It's Legilimency (OOP, Chap. 31)

To the tune of It's Been A Long Day (reprise)

THE SCENE: Who knows? HARRY experiences a fraudulent epiphany of SIRIUS held prisoner by VOLDEMORT at the Department of Mysteries. BELLATRIX looks on with admiration.

VOLDEMORT (spoken): The information from the house-elf should prove useful...most useful, indeed....

BELLATRIX (music):
Well, he's dreaming…

HARRY:
Lord Voldy has somehow captured Black

BELLATRIX
And he's scheming…

VOLDEMORT
Straight to the D-O-M he'll make tracks

BELLATRIX
And he's saying…

HARRY (In Voldemort's voice, to Sirius):
I hold you trapped in here.

BELLATRIX
And he's saying…

VOLDEMORT
He'll lead us to the sphere

BELLATRIX
And he says…

HARRY (in Voldemort's voice, to Sirius)
Take it for me!

BELLATRIX
And he says…

HARRY (in Voldemort's voice, spoken, Crucio-ing Sirius)
Down!

"SIRIUS" (spoken)
You'll have to kill me

HARRY (spoken, in Voldemort's voice)
We have hours ahead of us and no one to hear you scream…

VOLDEMORT, HARRY & BELLATRIX (music)
Well, it's Legilimency
It's Legilimen, Legilimen
Legilimen, Legilimency

HARRY wakes up in the Great Hall, screaming. He rushes to find RON, GINNY & HERMIONE

HARRY: Ron! Hermione! I have to contact Sirius immediately! Ron, Ginny, quick, create some kind of diversion involving Peeves and Garrotting Gas so Hermione and I can sneak into Umbridge's office to use the Floo Network!

HERMIONE (relieved): Oh, thank goodness, Harry, I thought you were going to ask us to do something complicated.

Segue to UMBRIDGE'S office. HARRY, hoping to reach SIRIUS via the Floo Network, finds himself speaking to KREACHER.

HARRY: Where's Sirius, Kreacher?

KREACHER: Master will not come back - he will not come back from the Department of Mysteries. Kreacher and his Mistress are alone again! And if Kreacher were you, Kreacher'd look behind me…..

KREACHER scurries away. HARRY looks behind, and finds himself facing UMBRIDGE and the SQUAD, with HERMIONE, RON, GINNY, NEVILLE & LUNA held captive

UMBRIDGE & SQUAD (music)
These friends of Harry are caught!
We'll soon unravel your plot!
This secretary is not...your joy!

As UMBRIDGE tries to solicit Veritaserum from Snape, HARRY instinctively switches on the AudioBook. HERMIONE is close enough to him that she can - partially - overhear what the AudioBook is saying.

AUDIOBOOK: Chap. 32. What to Do When Disaster Strikes. Invariably, most likely in late May or early June, you will experience a disaster of unprecedented magnitude that will literally prove itself to be a matter of life or death. As a hero, it is both your duty and your privilege to assume a leadership role in facing this challenge. Now, a hero has been defined as one who keeps his head when others are losing theirs. So, the first thing is to remain calm. Stay centered. Remember: seek out the center!

HERMIONE: (listening in, aside) Got it! Seek out the centaurs! (to UMBRIDGE, pretending to weep). We were trying to speak to Dumbledore….we -we wanted to tell him it's ready.

UMBRIDGE: What's ready?

HERMIONE: The weapon. It's hidden in the - in the Forbidden Forest.

UMBRIDGE: Lead me to the weapon! (indicating HARRY and HERMIONE) You two can go ahead of me and show me the way

Exit UMBRIDGE, HARRY and HERMIONE

A Hate Worse Than Ugly Trolls (OOP, Chap. 33)

To the tune of The Love From A Heart of Gold

THE SCENE: The Forbidden Forest. On a deluded quest for Dumbledore's alleged secret weapon, UMBRIDGE is accosted by a herd of angry centaurs. She responds with her characteristic tact.

UMBRIDGE:
How can I drive off centaurs
Whom I hate worse than ugly trolls?
They're disgusting half-breeds
And in forests trespassers
Yay or Neigh,
Colt or foal

Brains far beneath the human
Mobbing beasts who lack any soul,
Oh, but why can't they see I'm consumin' with fumin'
And hate worse than ugly trolls?

BANE (spoken):
I never knew you felt that way!

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
Few people know this, but I'm extremely bigoted.

BANE (spoken):
Oh, horsefeathers, so am I!

(music) Here we found this human,
Whom we hate worse than ugly trolls
Always damning our kind
But with little acumen,
In the hole...

MAGORIAN:
In the hole...
With each foal…

BANE:
With each foal

When you tick off a centaur
You will see how they lose control
Though she wants to go free we're now here to prevent her

BANE & MAGORIAN:
With hate worse than ugly trolls…..

The Centaurs grab UMBRIDGE and carry her off - her screams gradually fade in the distance.

HARRY: Where do we go from here?

HERMIONE: We need to get back up to the castle - but we can't do anything without wands. Anyway, how exactly were you planning to get all the way to London?

RON (off-stage): Yeah, we were just wondering that ourselves.

Thestral Dance (OOP, Chap. 33)

To the orchestral entr'acte Pirate Dance.

THE SCENE: As before. Enter LUNA LOVEGOOD, leading a herd of thestrals, followed by RON, NEVILLE & GINNY. RON gives HARRY and HERMIONE their wands. The six mount the thestrals and take off for London.

THE DA: London, on our way!

The Mystery Way (OOP, Chap. 34-35)

To the tune of The Company Way (first reprise)

THE SCENE: The Department of Mysteries. THE DA, led by HARRY, is realizing that they are on a wild goose chase

HARRY (spoken): He's not here…..

HARRY/AND THE DA (music):
We sought him the Mystery way,
We thought here in Mystery Black was
Held at bay.
Whatever my worry/our Harry has told us
One thing's clear.
Where ever my/his godpa might be,
He sure ain't here.

LUNA:
Rows gleaming with Mystery spheres

NEVILLE
They're causing me over-suspicious secret fears.

RON (to HARRY)
I spy one displaying your name and S.P.T.

HARRY takes the Sphere off the shelf. Enter LUCIUS, BELLATRIX and a CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS

LUCIUS
To stave off a disaster, please hand it to me

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
Hooray! Hooray!

THE DA:
We're now fighting foul Death Eaters
15-Year Old Wizards, we

LUCIUS:
Hand it over, we're discreter
Then we'll let all of you children go run free

DEATH EATERS all involuntarily snicker, but just as they are about to attack, The Order of the Phoenix - led by Sirius - bursts in.

THE DA:
The day saved by the Phoenix array.
Retributive policy is their métier.

HARRY:
I wasn't too prescient,
But I'm filled with cheer
As long as my godpa can save me,
I will still be here.

BELLATRIX and SIRIUS begin dueling

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS (& SIRIUS)
We know our Bellatrix will not take flack from a man,
And if they cross her, our Bellatrix will whack any man; (C'mon, babe, bring it on!)
And she will now attack Black, the Azkaban man. (You can do better than that!)
Black will die here in Mystery,
At the hands of our Sister, he
Will go down the History way!
Yeah!

Black is blasted through the Veil by BELLATRIX. Along with the CHORUS, she bursts into triumphant laughter. HARRY is so shocked, he drops the sphere, but without noticing the apparition of S.P.T. (whose utterance is drowned out amidst the raucous laughter). The sphere shatters into uncountable fragments.

BLACK-OUT, except for a single spotlight on HARRY. Time literally freezes. Unconsciously, he switches on the Audio-Book.

AUDIOBOOK: Chapter 36. Death and Loss. Unavoidably, in the course of battle against the hosts of Darkness, you will experience loss. An esteemed instructor, a valued peer, a cherished friend, a close family member - any of them may fall victim to our opponent's craft. Should this loss occur while you are engaged on the field of battle, you must of course make every effort to avenge your comrade's death and bring the malefactors to justice. Every effort but one - no matter how tempting the situation, no matter how deep your grief and rage, you must never descend to our enemy's moral level by employing any of the Unforgivable Curses. Then, even should you be defeated, you will yet retain the moral superiori…..

HARRY tears off the headphones, tosses them in the air, and blasts them to smithereens with his wand.

Magical Evil Spell (OOP, Chap. 36)

To the tune of Paris Original

THE SCENE: The Department of Mysteries. Time remains frozen. A second spotlight now illuminates an immobilized BELLATRIX, who remains frozen in a pose of demonic laughter. The two spotlights converge as HARRY slowly approaches her, a look of utmost loathing and hatred on his face.

HARRY:
She sent my Black down to his doom
He's now Beyond the Veil.
A most disastrous catastrophe.
A curse far worse I'll now rehearse,
Though it's beyond the pale
At she, at she, I'll target it at she

During the preceding verses, the lights have gradually returned until the entire stage is illuminated. The DE/DA/OOP remain frozen in a combative tableaux. HARRY points his wand directly at BELLATRIX'S face, grimacing sadistically.

Lestrange, in range...

HARRY returns to the place he stood when he saw SIRIUS murdered. The action now resumes its rapid "Real Time" pace as the Order of the Phoenix and the Dumbledore Army battle the Death Eaters in a chaotic free-for-all. HARRY takes no notice of the other battles, having eyes for BELLATRIX alone.

This Unforgivable
Magical Evil Spell
So temptingly right.
I'm using tonight
Specially on her

BELLATRIX:
This Unforgivable
Magical Evil Spell,
You'll pay for tonight
You'll die in this fight
Specially by me.

BELLATRIX abruptly flees the scene of the crime, and runs to MOM's Atrium

Suddenly see me go, sir!

HARRY (in full pursuit)
I'm going to Crucio her
And bang her all up with
Cruel muscular spells

HARRY strikes BELLATRIX with the Crucio curse, which she laughs off

BELLATRIX:
You unknowing brat!
Your Unforgivable
Magical Evil Spell,
It won't even stun
If it isn't fun
Vicious and grim…..and grim.

During the instrumental bridge, HARRY & BELLATRIX engage in a duel of Brucknerian/Bruckheimeresque proportions

That Dark Lord Prophecy
Will greatly profit me
You've got it tonight
I need it tonight!
Now give me it!

HARRY (laughing hysterically)
Your sought-for prophecy
Did not land soft, you see
It shattered to bits
Voldy will have fits.
Won't he just...

LORD VOLDEMORT himself abruptly appears

HARRY & BELLATRIX (simultaneously, but for different reasons):
Oh, no!

VOLDEMORT:
Forecast prophetically
Gets smashed pathetically

BELLATRIX (throwing herself at VOLDEMORT'S feet)
Forgiveness I crave!
Forever your slave!
Don't make me die!

VOLDEMORT (indicating HARRY)
So let us kill him!

HARRY & BELLATRIX (fearfully & exultantly, respectively):
This could/should be it!

Enter CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS, with bandages, crutches, slings, cartoon-style explosion marks, etc., indicating that they haven't been doing too well against the Order of the Phoenix

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS (spoken)
Oh, Lord!

VOLDEMORT (groaning):
Oh!
None of my lame Death Eaters
Have proven themselves world-beaters,
And Harry Potter once again wins a round.

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS
He'll lose!

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS (wands raised, to HARRY)
This Unforgivable
Dark Evil Killing Spell,
High-profile crime!
We're meeting tonight
For the very last time!

As VOLDEMORT fires the AK curse at HARRY, DUMBLEDORE & FAWKES suddenly Apparate unto the scene.

DUMBLEDORE (spoken):
Hello, Tom!

FAWKES blocks the AK curse, dissolves in ash, and is reborn as a Phoenix chick

VOLDEMORT & CHORUS (slapping their simultaneous foreheads)
Wotta mess!

Dumbledore's Entr'acte (OOP, Chap. 36-37)

To the tune of the orchestral Act II Entr'acte

THE SCENE: The Atrium of the Ministry of Magic. To the accompaniment of the "How to Succeed" motif, DUMBLEDORE quells the Death Eaters and HARRY staves off VOLDEMORT'S final attempt to take possession of him. As the "Company Way" theme begins, officials of the Ministry of Magic begin pouring in to see for themselves that VOLDEMORT is back. VOLDEMORT & BELLATRIX Apparate to avoid capture. As the "How to Succeed" motif returns, HARRY is sent by DUMBLEDORE via Portkey to the Headmaster's Office.

The "How to Succeed" builds to a victorious climax. HARRY, shattered as never before, feels nothing of this victory. Wracked with sorrow, he collapses into the nearest chair. PHINEAS senses something in HARRY's manner

PHINEAS: Am I to understand that my great-great-grandson - the last of the Blacks - is dead?

HARRY nods almost imperceptibly

PHINEAS: I don't believe it.

PHINEAS disappears from the canvas. DUMBLEDORE Apparates to the scene, and approaches HARRY tenderly