Cap Awry
A Sorting Hat musical by Constance Vigilance based on Kander and Ebb's Cabaret (the film)
"You ask me what's the envy of the land - My Hair!"
Gilderoy Lockhart lets it all hang out in the filk musical Cap Awry.
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
"You ask me what's the envy of the land - My Hair!"
Gilderoy Lockhart lets it all hang out in the filk musical Cap Awry.
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach
Copyright 2004, 2005 by Constance Vigilance
To the tune of Wilkommen
This is the opening number where we are introduced to the characters by the Master of Ceremonies. The year is 1996 and the Wizard World is on the edge of war.
THE SCENE: It's a noisy and crowded night at The Three Broomsticks. The lights dim. Conversation fades out as the crowd anticipates the floorshow. A spotlight comes up on stage on the Sorting Hat, looking sexually ambiguous in mascara, rouge and a bowtie. We are welcomed to the night's entertainment.
HAT/EMCEE: (singing)
Welcome to Madam Rosemerta's
Hogsmeade's convivial alehouse
Wizard or beastie, being or ghoul
We're happy to see you! Grab an empty stool!
Welcome, feel free to get comfy
With loosened shoe and tie askew and cap awry!
(spoken, quickly) Ghosts and guests, Gargoyles and gargals,
Vampires and vamps, Good Evening! Good Morning! Good Day!
Are you happy? You will be! Take a load off! Relax!
I am your host for tonight's entertainment.
(singing) I'm saying
Welcome, come join us, and untie -
Burnoose unloose, beret astray and cap awry!
(spoken) Leave your troubles outside!
So - You-Know-Who's got you by the You-Know-What? Forget it!
We have no troubles here! Here, life is beautiful...
The girls are beautiful...
Even the orchestra is beautiful!
Lights come up on a corner of the stage where the Giant Squid, in lipstick and garters, is playing a different instrument with every tentacle
You see? I told you the orchestra was beautiful.
And now, presenting the Dark Arts Chorus!
They come out one at a time, spotlighted and dressed provocatively
Gilderoy! (Gilderoy is so called because of his guilty royalties!)
Quirrell! (Oh, you like Quirrell? Well, too bad! So does Gilderoy.)
Alastor! (You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say Alastor is acting a little "crouchy" these days. Just kidding.)
Dolores! (Yes, Dolores is from the government! Not to worry. She's only here to HELP you.)
Remus! (Oh, Remus, please, will you stop that! Alastor NEEDS that leg. Now give him back his other one. That's a good boy.)
And Snape! (Snape is the future. When he finally gets his chance to teach us all how to be very, very, very, very bad? That would be very, very, very, very, very good!)
Gilderoy, Quirrell, Alastor, Dolores, Remus and Snape.
Each and every one a qualified teacher! You don't believe me?
Well, don't take my word for it. Go ahead - ask Sibyll Trelawney!
Outside it is winter. But in here it's so hot. Every night we have to battle with the girls to keep them from taking off all of their clothings. So don't go away. Who knows? Tonight we may need all your help to make darn sure that Dolores keeps every stitch on!
DARK ARTS CHORUS:
We're saying
Welcome, come join us, and untie -
Burnoose unloose, beret astray and cap awry!
HAT/EMCEE:
We are here to serve you!
And now presenting the Death Eater Boys:
Here they are!
Crabbe! Goyle!
Or is it Goyle! and Crabbe ...
(You know, there's really only one way to tell the difference...
I'll show you later.)
Avery. (Oh Avery, get up off your knees! That's for later!)
Rookwood (You know the funny thing about Rookwood? Well, I can get you a good price on some thongs, see me after the show.**)
And finally, the toast of The Dark Side, Bellatrix!
BELLATRIX:
Hello, darlings!
HAT/EMCEE (singing):
Grab an empty stool!
ALL:
Welcome, come join us, and untie -
One of the Death Eater Boys, attempting to untie his shoes, trips over his own big feet and falls clumsily
HAT/EMCEE (speaking over the singing):
That's Crabbe.
ALL:
Burnoose unloose, beret astray and cap awry!
We're saying
Welcome to Madam Rosemerta's
Hogsmeade's convivial alehouse
HAT/EMCEE (speaking):
Hello, stranger!
ALL:
Wizard or beastie, being or ghoul
HAT/EMCEE (speaking):
So ghoul to see you!
ALL:
We're happy to see you! Grab an empty stool!
Welcome to Madam Rosemerta's
Hogsmeade's convivial alehouse
Wizard or beastie, being or ghoul
We're happy to see you! Grab an empty stool!
Welcome, feel free to get comfy
With loosened shoe and tie askew and cap awry!
HAT/EMCEE (speaking):
Thank you!
Crabbe, Goyle, Avery, Rookwood, Gilderoy, Quirrell, Alastor,
Dolores,
Remus, Snape, Bellatrix and Me!
Welcome to the Three Broomsticks!!
My Hair
A filk to the tune of Mein Herr
In the first installment, we were introduced to the characters and the setting of the Hogs Head where most of the action takes place. The story proceeds in parallel paths - the 'Backstory' which is the live action taking place during the time of the Order of the Phoenix, and the 'Floorshow' in the Hogs Head which attempts to lighten the mood by parodying the live action.
In the second installment, Harry knows that Wizard War is imminent, but nobody seems to care. Nothing on the news. No messages from friends or headmasters. Even dementors in Little Whinging isn't enough to get anyone's attention - everybody seems to be only concerned with trivialities like students doing magic outside of Hogwarts, a water shortage, birds who waterski and looking good.
The scene abrubtly changes to the Floorshow at the Hogsmead. Gilderoy Lockhart sings from the spotlight.
LOCKHART:
Can it be?
Try .. my .. Shampoo-For-Hair!
It will caress the curls
The compliments you'll get when you display - your hair.
Just one left...
Getting into the selling mode now:
Buy my Shampoo-For-Hair!
It will caress the curls
The house lights come up to show Quirrell, Lupin, Moody and Umbridge appear amongst the crowd, dressed like cigarette girls in corsets
and garters carrying trays of Lockhart's Hair Care products. The audience begins to take interest in the products.
Gilderoy, really getting into the spirit up on stage:
You can be debonair!
The crowd clammers among the "girls", holding up galleons and
trying to get some product. Hermione is seen in the midst of the melee
clutching a vial of Lotion. The "girls" join Gilderoy in singing the final verse:
It will caress the curls
Buy! Buy! Shampoo-For-Hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
As the house lights come fully up, Severus Snape is seen quickly
leaving the premises carrying an armful of vials of Lockhart's
Lotion.
Azkaban Torch Song
To the tune of Maybe This Time
Backstory: At Hogwarts, tensions are high. There's a new Dark Arts teacher, Harry's love life is stumbling, and there's news in the
Daily Prophet. Ten Death Eaters have just escaped from Azkaban!
At the Three Broomsticks, the Sorting Hat introduces a new act:
EMCEE/HAT: Ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and guests - tonight we have a special treat! Just in from an exclusive engagement in the North
Sea is that Darling of the Dark ... the gal who puts the torch in torture ... please welcome ... Bellatrix LeStrange!
BELLATRIX:
When you love a snake
Lidless glance that aims to wither
When my viper was mostly vapor
Lidless glance that aims to wither
Loving someone who's reptilian
Moony
To the tune of Money
In this episode, the Trio and members of the Order gather at
Grimmauld Place at Christmas.
Backstory: OrderMember!Snape has just informed Harry that he will be
giving him lessons in occlumency. The meeting - with Sirius present
- did not go well and Snape is reminded of his ongoing difficulties
with the surviving Mauraders. And after he kept Remus' secret when
Remus was teaching the Defense of the Dark Arts! Honestly!
At the Three Broomsticks, the lights come up on Snape, wearing the
Sorting Hat.
SNAPE:
On full moon nights you might hear a howl
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
If you ask me why I take
From the old Shrieking Shack
If you ask me why does he
I'll just tell you, take a look
Lupin was a prefect, but he
The rip that is the HAT's mouth opens and the HAT joins in the
chorus:
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
SNAPE and HAT (in canon)
And you see out in the dark
When you're hiding in your bed
But when something comes a-rap
SNAPE and HAT:
Hint a little, Moony, Moony
A monthly wolfish moonlit howl
News Ladies
To the tune of Two Ladies
In this segment, Harry is having problems with journalism. His attempts at getting out real news in the form of awareness that
Voldemort is back, is getting nowhere, partly because of Professor Umbridge who is doing whatever it takes to keep the public in the
dark. His only other encounter with news collection and reporting has been the muckraking and dishonest quill of Rita Skeeter, who has
been mysteriously quiet for the past year.
Cut to the Three Broomsticks floorshow. The lights come up on The
Sorting Hat, Rita Skeeter and Dolores Umbridge (all dressed
provocatively for the floorshow) as they sing about the state of the
news and their relative influence on the Fourth Estate:
NOTE: All voices sing the "beedly deedly dee" parts
HAT:
ALL:
RITA:
DOLORES:
ALL:
RITA:
DOLORES:
ALL:
RITA:
DOLORES:
ALL:
RITA:
DOLORES:
ALL:
GIRLS: We,
RITA: She
DOLORES: ...and me
ALL:
ALL:
RITA:
DOLORES:
ALL:
GIRLS:
ALL:
GIRLS:
RITA: I'm left
DOLORES: And I'm right
ALL:
ALL:
My Destiny Calls To Me
To the tune of Tomorrow Belongs To Me
Things in Harry's world are becoming increasingly black and white.
People are choosing up sides - Order of the Phoenix or Death Eater?
Harry recalls advice he once received from Dumbledore: It's the
choices one makes that determine the wizard.
Cut to the floorshow at The Three Broomsticks.
A darkened stage. The spotlight comes up on a just-turned-eleven-
years-old Mark Evans sitting on the sorting stool, holding the
Sorting Hat. He addresses the Hat with an expression of awe and
anticipation, and begins to sing ....
EVANS:
He raises the hat slowly and begins to put it on as he sings the
next verse
Cleverness, loyalty, cunning or deeds
He puts on the Hat, which slips down over his ears to rest on his
shoulders, completely engulfing his head
A spot comes up on another figure in the dark - it's Crouch-as-Moody
who holds a Death Eater hood in the same manner as Mark had held the
Hat. He gazes at the hood with the same expression of awe and
anticipation as he sings the next verse
My life in the sunshine, my manner belies
He dons the hood which falls down to his shoulders, echoing Evans
and the Hat
He continues singing the next verse and is joined by Quirrell,
Crabbe, Goyle, and Bellatrix appearing out of the darkness with hoods
which they also don as they sing. The volume and intensity increases.
Lord Voldemort, Voldemort, I wear your Mark
The visual scope widens as the verse repeats. They are joined by
others on stage - Lucius, Dolohov, McNair, Judson and the other known
Death Eaters, then in the crowd by strangers. The intensity continues
to increase as the visual goes outside - more are joining in, some
with hoods, others not
Lord Voldemort, Voldemort, I wear your Mark
Lord Voldemort, Voldemort, I wear your Mark
The war is begun.
If You Could See Out Through My Eyes
To the tune of If You Could See Her Through My Eyes
In this episode, we see a new side of Voldemort! The Scene: The floorshow at the Three Broomsticks. The lights come up
on a very nattily dressed Voldemort, complete with hat, tails and a cane.
VOLDEMORT:
Ignore what you've heard from those bad guys
How can I try to convince you
Does a soft shoe, demonstrating not only a new attitude, but a
definite sense of style
(spoken) Ghosts and guests, ghouls and gals, ladies and gentlemen -
(singing) I understand your confusion,
Evil laughter as the music winds down
Harry
To the tune of Married
In this episode, disaster has happened at the Ministry of Magic.
Voldemort was able to lure Harry into his trap. It could have been
avoided if Harry had only been treated like an adult instead of
being kept in the dark like a child. Harry's rage at Dumbledore and
the whole world erupts in a fury in Dumbledore's office as he
smashes things and lashes out in hate at Dumbledore.
Dumbledore, in sadness, agrees. The worst possible thing has
resulted because he, Dumbledore, had allowed his love for Harry to
override Harry's, and the whole Wizarding World's, best interests.
At the Three Broomsticks:
The curtain comes up on the Sorting Hat, who is stirring a small
silver cauldron. It's the Pensieve!
From the cauldron, a silvery white smoke arises, which forms into a
shimmering image of Dumbledore's office. The office is in disarray,
with broken glass and shattered objects everywhere. Harry's rage is
spent and Dumbledore sadly begins to sing
DUMBLEDORE:
When you saved the stone, fighting all alone,
Cap Awry
To the tune of Cabaret
The final installment (and capstone piece!) of Cap Awry.
In this episode, we learn how our Hat came to be where he is!
Backstory: The end of the year at Hogwarts and everything has
changed. The war is beginning and nobody will ever be the same
again. Not even the Sorting Hat.
At the Three Broomsticks, the light comes up on the Hat who is alone
in a spotlight. The band starts up a bluesy intro
HAT:
That was the stopper that left me depressed
Can't taste the wine. Can't hear the band.
One day an opportune wind from the west
A witch I knew once rode a Kansas twister
Faced with overwhelming acrimony
A friendly phoenix flew and set me free.
Now I'm a properly made up and pressed
I'm dressed in tails! I'm wearing rouge!
Toss me a copper and I will attest
The music comes to a conclusion and the house lights come up at the
Broomsticks. Over the sound of applause, the Hat blows kisses to the
crowd.
HAT: Thank you ladies and gentlemen, ghosts and guests. Thank you
for your patience and appreciation. There are still some tickets
available for the visiting touring company of Hats - be sure and
pick some up at our box office. And an especial thank-you to
Haggridd, who is watching from the best seat in the house!
You ask me what's the envy of the land? - My hair!
The golden crown atop a face that's tanned? - My hair!
Impervious to any breeze that's fanned - My hair!
What's the key?
To look like me
Do like me.
Guarantee!
(For a fee)
Delightful Goo-For-Hair!
No need for rueful hair: Buy Lockhart's Lotion.
Although it's awfully rare
I have a vial to spare
The only stuff I'll wear on My Hair!
As every shaft unfurls
A recipe for love in a potion
No need to hide your gray
It's just a dab away
Of course, there's no toupee in My Hair!
Why should you go for anything halfway - with hair?
A galleon's such a tiny price to pay - for hair.
Last one sold...
Don't be shy...
Best be bold...
Going fast...
(I take gold)
Delightful Goo-For-Hair!
No need for rueful hair: Buy Lockhart's Lotion.
Although it's awfully rare
I have a vial to spare
The only stuff I'll wear on My Hair!
As every shaft unfurls
A recipe for love in a potion
A brew without compare
Of herbs and perfumes rare
So try it - you'll find your devine hair!
Your image can repair
No point in solitaire or deferring
With just a drop of this
You'll find it's not amiss
It's just a simple case of coiffuring.
As every shaft unfurls
A recipe for love in a potion
A brew without compare
Of herbs and perfumes rare
So try it out - on your Hair!
Delightful Goo-For-Hair!
No need for rueful hair: Buy Lockhart's Lotion.
Although it's awfully rare
I/We have a vial to spare
The only stuff I/we'll wear on My/our Hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Maybe this time, he'll kill Harry
God knows he's gonna try
Every man needs little hobbies
He's just being a guy
It's the chance you take
But it's really not so bad
At least he's not a NASCAR dad
And he's glancing at me
All I'm saying is "Slither hither"
That's where you ought to be
I was faithful within
Cold-blooded lover, hot-blooded passion
Or he's shedding his skin
And he's glancing at me
All I'm saying is "Slither hither"
That's where you ought to be
Takes some Occlumency.
Legilimens with eyes vermillion
Maybe this time.
He'll Legilimens me.
Lupin has a secret, you see
But it's safe with me
And I guarantee
I'll never tell deliberately
A secret's safe with me.
A deep throaty growl
A wolf on the prowl
You ask me and I'll say with a scowl
It's certainly not he.
A secret's safe with me.
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
So much care when I make him a potion
I'll suggest and request you recall
Used to come, once a month, a commotion.
Here's a drug, chug-a-lug, drink it all.
Time to time, seem to be looking pasty
As the moon reaches fullest degree
In your book, to a werewolf you're tasty
Study up on what you see!
Would watch as his friends
Threw hexes at me!
Called me names like "Old Snivelly"
That Potter boy was scum
(raspberry) on keeping mum
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
When the moon is shining full
In the night and the sky's kinda scary
And the night sounds suddenly go still
Shining eyes, and a form, something hairy
And your blood suddenly gets a chill
Full of dread and you're under the covers
And you're cold but you're sweating a lot
Rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat at the window
Well, I'll tell you who it's not!
Lupin has a secret, you see
Kept safely with me
And I guarantee
I'll never tell deliberately
A secret's safe with me.
Poke a little, Moony, Moony
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony
A teacher gone, a wolf on the prowl
You ask me and I'll say with a scowl
A secret's safe with me!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) News ladies
(beedly dee dee dee dee) News ladies
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Who serve their own agendas
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Exposing!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Opposing!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) We/They both offend!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Name dropping
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Leak stopping
(beedly dee dee dee dee) And let the truth be damned, ja!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Exclusive!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Collusive!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) It's all been planned!
Gossip's my byline
The scoop is my quest
The public is safer
When news is supressed!
But we've/they've one thing in common
We/They lie! (beedly dee)
We/They lie! (beedly dee)
We/They lie! (beedly deedly deedly deedly dee)
(beedly dee dee dee dee) News ladies
(beedly dee dee dee dee) News ladies
(beedly dee dee dee dee) And we're/they're your only source, ha!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) I spill it!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) I kill it!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Without remorse!
We twist the day's headlines
To say what we please
Newsie is funsie
But nothing beats sleaze!
We spin fair and balanced
And just like Bill O'Reilly
We misquote you all night!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) News ladies
(beedly dee dee dee dee) News ladies
(beedly dee dee dee dee) We/They serve our own agendas
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Exposing!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) Opposing!
(beedly dee dee dee dee) We/They both offend!
A letter arrived in a flowery hand
Said "Son, it's a wizard you be!"
A ride on a train to a magical land
My Destiny Calls To Me!
What things will this Sorting Hat see?
The future will follow wherever it leads
My Destiny Calls To Me!
A truth that I hold secretly
A sign in the sky says "Arise! Arise!"
My Destiny Calls To Me!
Death Eaters stand loyal to thee
I turn from the daylight to greet the dark
My Destiny Calls To Me!
Death Eaters stand loyal to thee
I turn from the daylight to greet the dark
My Destiny Calls To Me!
Death Eaters stand loyal to thee
I turn from the daylight to greet the dark
My Destiny Calls To Me!
I know what you're thinking:
Embodiment of evil!
He wants to be dictator of the world.
That's just a first impression,
What good's a first impression?
But I'd like to change your mind,
'Cause I'm really sweet and kind!
My purpose is misunderstood
Examine the outlook through my eyes
Not evil, I tell you, I'm good! (a white knight)
Years that I spent in the forest
Repentent, but always alone.
If you could see outward through my eyes
You'd see that I want to atone.
That I'm not the man you once knew?
Bake cookies? Kiss puppies? Plant roses?
Examples you won't misconstrue (like I might)
Surely, I've made some bad choices
And my downfall was clearly unplanned
But if you could see it through my eyes
Maybe you'd all understand.
Is it a crime to make a mistake?
Can we ever tell where the heart truly leads us?
All I'm asking is a little understanding-
Why can't we 'forgive and forget'?
'Live and let live'...
My image is hard to repair.
But if you could see out through my eyes...
(whispered) Like Harry, you'd land in my snare.
When your parents died, I put tears aside.
I made a plan for you, Harry.
What our world must do would depend on you.
That's when I looked at you, Harry.
And my fortitude somehow came unglued.
The set of my chin came unset.
With so much to say on that awful day.
I knew I would tell you, but not just yet.
I nearly told you then, Harry.
You were still so young, and I held my tongue.
I should have told you then, Harry.
But too soft a heart kept us worlds apart
I never gave you your due.
You've a right to hate, now it's come too late.
I never counted on loving you.
Pity the topper that's magic'ly blessed
After the sorting's down
"Just put the cap away," old chum. "Just put the cap away."
No way to get around
"Just put the cap away," old chum. "Just put the cap away."
I'm out of sorts, it's lonely, trust me
No one even comes to dust me.
Shook me from brim to crown.
I had to get away, old chum. Just had to get away.
That dropped a house upon her only sister.
She couldn't find a sympathetic look there.
As a matter of fact, they nicked her sister's footwear.
She moved to Broadway where she won a Tony.
The moral of this charming fable is ...
Everything looks better - in - Show Biz!
No longer S.O.L., I'm an M.C.!
Derby that once was brown
I bid Hogwarts goodbye, old chum. Meet the new Cap Awry!
There's a real Hat Band a-playin'
Come what may, it's - here - I'm - stayin'!
This topper's gone to town.
Pour me a whiskey dry, old chum.
Lead me to Kappa Chi, old chum.
I'm born to be Cap Awry!