The Secret of Amy Sumeria
It shouldn't be hard to guess......
The Secret of Amy Sumeria
It shouldn't be hard to guess......
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach (with a nod to Roy Lichtenstein)
Act One, Scene One: The Pinnacle of the North TowerAct Two, Scene One: The Potions Dungeon
Act Three, Scene One: Before Courtroom Ten
NOTE: In writing the filks, I used the 1949 Broadway recording of South Pacific. Despite its less-than-optimal sound, it is the best-sung version, and also offers two songs (Loneliness of Evening and My Girl Back Home) which were later dropped from the play (but which I've used). Although Snape-Specific borrows both its songs and its title from Rodgers and Hammerstein, its story line has no connection whatever to the island of Bali Ha'i or the travails of Lt. Cable, but is an original (more or less) plot of my own devising.
SEVERUS SNAPE, 87th Headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, Late Hogwarts Headmaster (as a portrait)
PHINEAS NIGELLUS, Late Hogwarts Headmaster (as a portrait)
VINCENT CRABBE, Administrative Assistant to Severus Snape
MARCUS FLINT, Professor of Transfiguration (and Head of Slytherin House/Unit A)
LUNA LOVEGOOD, Professor of Divination (and Head of Ravenclaw House/Unit B), wife of Harry Potter
GINNY WEASLEY, Professor of Charms (and Head of Gryffindor House/Unit C)
NYMPHODORA TONKS, Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts (and Head of Hufflepuff House/Unit D)
AMY SUMERIA, Potions Mistress (newly joining the faculty)
HERMIONE GRANGER-WEASLEY, Minister of Magic
COLIN CREEVEY, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, Head of Magical Law Enforcement
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY, Auror
CHO CHANG, Auror
DEAN THOMAS, Auror
BLAISE ZABINI, Chief Warden of Azkaban
LAVENDER BROWN, reporter for The Daily Prophet (on-lane edition)
HARRY POTTER, reclusive President of the Potter Foundation
LORD GARGOYLE, the Dark Lord, Self-Proclaimed Heir of Voldemort
DRACO MALFOY, International Singing Sensation
SCENE ONE: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Time: the summer of 2018, just a month before the start of the new school year. Hogwarts is in a festive mood, celebrating the inauguration of its 87th Headmaster, Severus Snape. Professor of Divination LUNA LOVEGOOD, standing atop the pinnacle of the North Tower, falls into an ecstatic trance, and delivers another in a series of her frequent (and unerringly accurate) prophecies.
Snapey Guy (to the tune of Bali Ha'i)
LUNA:
Snapey Guy, you'll lead us,
Snapey Guy still snarls
You're now growing old,
You'll be faced with crisis
Snapey Guy,
Soon he must meet her, glowing like a moonbeam,
Here she comes, she arrives, here she comes…..
Snapey Guy,
SCENE TWO: The Headmaster's Office, later that same day, a few hours after the inaugural ceremonies. Large boxes and pieces of furniture are chaotically scattered about, indicating that a new tenant - to be specific, SEVERUS SNAPE, is moving in. On the wall, portraits of ALBUS DUMBLEDORE and PHINEAS NIGELLUS, hung on either side of the main desk, listen attentively as the Pensieve replays SNAPE's inauguration for the benefit of the two earlier Headmasters. SNAPE (who is now very old: he looks almost as old as that actor Alan Rickman) however, pays little attention, engrossed as he is in arranging his collection of slimy things floating in jars.
PENSIEVE SNAPE (standing in the Great Hall, before a crowd of wizardly dignitaries) I Severus Septimius Snape - do solemnly swear - that I will faithfully and honorably discharge the office of Headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - and I will strive to utilize my talents and my abilities to their utmost to uphold the sacrosanct principles of her ancient and worthy traditions, the sacred trust of educating our youth in the arts and sciences, the rituals and researches of magic.
DUMBLEDORE (with paternal affection): And so this office is now yours. Take care to use its powers and privileges well.
PENSIEVE SNAPE: Thank you, Minister Granger-Weasley, Undersecretary Creevey, Hogwarts faculty, honored guests, honored friends….
NIGELLUS: You haven't got any friends, Severus.
PENSIEVE SNAPE: …it is with a sense of both humility and pride that I accept this appointment as the 87th Headmaster of Hogwarts as we embark upon the second millennium of this, our beloved institution, with its illustrious and unequalled heritage. I see myself as a bridge to the future, spanning the last millennium and the next, and therefore doubly qualified to lead Hogwarts in this time of unparalleled prosperity and growth….
PENSIEVE SNAPE rambles on in this vein for several minutes -I'll spare you the highly soporific text. Finally, NIGELLUS motions for SNAPE to discontinue the message.
NIGELLUS: Enough! Who wrote that bilge - Professor Lovegood? I would be greatly saddened if being elevated to this august position were somehow to turn that mighty brain of yours to mush. I was looking forward to a Headmaster who might stir up a bit of discord - who might have a chance of becoming even more unpopular than myself.
SNAPE (shutting off the Pensieve): My mighty brain is even less mushy than usual, Phineas. If you had researched the matter, you would realize that it's absolutely foolhardy for an incoming Headmaster to say anything substantive during the inaugural address. There's far too many little Ministry satraps and mandarins running loose - and even worse, there's no students.
NIGELLUS: No students? I would think that would be a benefit…
SNAPE: Think back to the year 1712, when you wanted to abolish the seniority system and add a cover charge for dining in the Great Hall. You advocated both of them in your own inaugural. Members of your faculty had more than a month to lobby the Ministry to block your proposals, and you were forced to withdraw them. All you did was earn yourself unnecessary animosity, and guarantee the failure even for the more attractive parts of your program. On the other hand - I have the example of another distinguished Headmaster who merely prattled the most inane banalities during his inaugural address - but during his first start-of-term banquet, he announced that he was doing away with corporal punishment and instituting the House point system. The students were too ravenous with hunger to really pay attention to him, and the faculty was too anxiously anticipating their burdensome academic workloads to even think of challenging him. And so not one person - not even old Argus Filch - dared raise a peep against the proposals of Albus Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE: Your observation is an astute one. But still, Severus, I hope you'll bear in mind that deviousness should be employed merely as a tactic, not as an end in itself. I was devious only when I had no other route to effect positive changes.
SNAPE (pulling a tattered paperback out of his robes, which he gazes at with deep reverence): I know that, Headmaster - I've known that ever since I was a First-Year, when Flourish and Blotts had that 50% off sale on the works of the great Muggle Florentine political theorist…..
Hard-Eyed Realist (to the tune of Cock-Eyed Optimist)
SNAPE:
Though I have people running up to tell me
I know our wizard crew
Life sure ain't no concert by Corelli
NIGELLUS: I'm so relieved! You're going to reign as a Slytherin!
SNAPE: Not exactly, not as a Slytherin……..
DUMBLEDORE: But I'm concerned, Severus, that you have not shown anyone the particulars of your plan - not even the two of us. Remember, we are sworn to uphold the success of Hogwarts and of its Headmaster in particular. You can count on us for impartial and constructive analysis. And if you won't show us, at least discuss it with some one else you trust.
NIGELLUS: Nonsense - besides us, Snape doesn't trust anyone. And maybe not even us.
SNAPE (to Dumbledore): Thank you, Headmaster. I know you have, as you've always had, my best interests at heart. Still, I've relied on you for too long - far too long. This is something that I must on my own - all alone. It's a gamble, a risk - I may not succeed, but….ever since Longbottom vanquished Lord Voldemort, and the ensuing Slytherin Reformation, peace and prosperity have reigned in the Wizarding World - and with them have come complacency, stagnation and sloth. History tells us that such periods of tranquility are invariably brief - and when the powers of darkness return, the havoc they wreak is even greater when the citadels are unguarded. So it is incumbent upon me now to introduce….
A knocking on the door. Enter VINCENT CRABBE, Snape's private secretary
CRABBE: Your appointment is here - for the Professor of Potions opening, sir.
SNAPE: Excellent, Crabbe - show him…
Enter AMY SUMERIA, a tall, stunningly beautiful blonde, followed by a small herd of cute cuddly forest creatures who frolic in her wake - beautiful wildflowers spring up in her path as she walks by
…..her - in. Please, be seated.
Exit CRABBE. AMY extends her hand to SNAPE, who accepts it with uncharacteristic nervousness. A bluebird in AMY's entourage delivers her resume to SNAPE in its beak.
AMY: Thank you, Headmaster Snape. My name is Amy Sumeria. Thank you for granting this interview. It is a privilege to meet you, I've heard so much about you…..
SNAPE: Thank you, Ms. Sumeria. As you may be aware, the post of Potions Master is one that I held for almost 40 years, and naturally I take an especial interest in filling it with the most outstanding candidate possible. What I'm looking for is someone whose knowledge of potions as encyclopedic as my own, as well as someone who can model appropriate intellectual and moral leadership in the classroom, as I always did. (Looking over her resume) I've reviewed dozens of resumes so far, and I must say, yours is by far the most impressive that I've seen…..
AMY: Thank you, Headmaster. As you can read there, I was born here in England to a Wizarding family, but lost both my parents at an early age when they were murdered under mysterious circumstances by conspirators in a subversive Goblin organization. I was sent to live with an aunt and uncle in Nova Scotia, who supplied brooms for an international market. Amidst the comings and goings of merchants from around the globe I became fluent in ten languages and learned to play both the flute and snare drum in my spare time. When I started school (dear old Wollastan on Victoria Island! Such a heartwarming place despite its perennial polar chill!) I became the youngest Quidditch player in more than five centuries, leading my team to six consecutive Quidditch cups - it would have been seven, but I was graduated a year early due to my unusual academic prowess, receiving 112.9% on all my OWLS and NEWTS. I also competed in the Miss Teen Witch beauty pageant as the Canadian entry (I came in second, the bit- I mean, the winner was a pure-blood Veela), and did volunteer work at a wizards' retirement home, assisting these poor dear old men and women too enfeebled to wave wands for themselves, as well as at the local animal shelter for lost kneazles. But my biggest thrill during those years was assisting sweet old Professor Sverdrup in maintaining his potions inventories. Oh what a joy it was to gaze upon the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses, bottling fame, brewing glory, stoppering death….
SNAPE (entranced): When can you start - I mean, when - what did you start doing after leaving Wollastan?
AMY: Oh, but then my young life took a yet another tragic turn. My foster aunt and uncle - who had become as dear to me as parents - just as I was as dear as a daughter to them - were left financially destitute when a wizard they trusted to secure their investments swindled them of everything they owned. The shock of the episode caused my uncle to have a stroke, leaving him unable to fend for himself. I forced to relinquish my post as Professor Sverdrup's research assistant in order to care for my uncle. Then my aunt, who had taken a job as a House-Elf for a neighboring….
SNAPE: Excuse me - did you say House-Elf?
AMY: Yes - few northern Canadians really know what a proper house-elf is, so Auntie I'm afraid did rather take advantage of their credulity. But then she was eaten by a rare arctic Nundu and I was forced to take over her job so that the Goblins would not foreclose my uncle's historic mansion. For three years, Headmaster, I was forced to disguise myself as a house-elf. Imagine, Headmaster - three long years without clothes - imagine that…..
SNAPE accidentally knocks one of his jars off the desk - it shatters its slimy inhabitant all over the floor. A quick Reparo spell undoes the damage.
…then just when we paid the mortgage off, my uncle passed away, and left me a colossal fortune - the poor silly old thing didn't trust banks, and on the day he went to his reward, our pet Puffskein Ottomax dug up the One Million Galleon piece he had buried years before in anticipation of a rainy day. Now I was free to go anywhere in the world - but I chose to become a teacher in a Transylvanian orphanage for werewolf cubs because I knew what it was like to be an orphan. But when my prize student Fifi Tisserand was accepted to Beauxbatons, I accepted a a professorship in the Care of Magic Creatures so that I could continue to be near her. Much to my delight, Little Fifi flourished as her magical talents blossomed under my instruction. But during her third year, she was eaten by one of Beauxbaton's hippogriffs, and as Magic Creatures professor, I was required to behead the misguided beast. Wracked with grief and guilt, I left Beauxbatons and wandered aimlessly for several years, committing random kindnesses and senseless acts of beauty. Eventually, I retired to a Wiccan convent in Salerno - but after a few months with them, I realized they were all Muggles. It was then I decided to return to the Wizarding World and to Britain - and I discovered this vacancy here at Hogwarts. So beautiful a place! How different my life would have been had Mother and Father been spared, if I had grown from girlhood to womanhood amongst the towers and spires of Hogwarts.
SNAPE (entranced): Yes, very interesting. (trying hard to be professional, reading from a list) How would you produce an Effervescence Potion?
AMY: Well, let me see, you need to begin on the first odd-numbered Tuesday of the month, then, with a standard-sized cauldron, you bring 11.4 gallons of water to a boil, then stir in extract of bedbug bile, the inner bark of the Cinnamomum zeylanicum, a pine from the Araucaria cunninghami, five dozen infumated aphids, six fwooper feathers, an ounce of Dugbog blood (female only of course), a duck egg, and then finally the pancreas and liver from a male Sarcorhampus gryphus. Once the ingredients dissolve, then let simmer for two hours, and then add one gross chameleon eyes.
SNAPE: The Chamaelo verrucosus or Chamaelo calyptratus?
AMY: Why, neither one - the Chamaelo brevicornis, of course. Bring once more to a boil, and let it sit out overnight. After the next full moon, it's ready to serve. And I always add just a twist of lime - it gives it a bit of an extra kick.
SNAPE (nonplussed): Yes, that's exactly right - and I've never tried the lime, I will have to keep that in mind. Thank you, Ms. Sumeria for coming - uh - visiting with me here today. I will be contacting you by owl. Goodbye then.
AMY (violating Snape's personal space rather egregiously): Thank you, Headmaster. And let me say that even if I'm not selected to fill the vacancy, it was worth coming here just to listen to you speak of your fascinating life and achievements. I so look forward to hearing from you soon.
AMY takes SNAPE's hands tightly into her own and exits, accompanied by her familiars. Enter CRABBE.
SNAPE: Crabbe, take an owl. "Dear Ms. Sumeria: The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is pleased to offer you our standard one-year contract as the Professor of Potions, with full salary, and benefits after 90 days. Should you accept this position, you will begin your duties effective on 8/31/18. We look forward to having you as a member of my family - I mean, of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry family."
CRABBE: Very good, sir. May I remind you that the inaugural dinner will be starting in an hour and a half, and you'll not want to be late.
SNAPE: An infernal waste of my valuable time - exchanging trivial pleasantries with the Ministerial toads. Thank you for the reminder, Crabbe. I suppose I must put the best face on the situation.
CRABBE: Good night, sir.
Exit CRABBE. SNAPE remains lost in thought for several seconds
SNAPE: Three years - without…..
Exit SNAPE in the opposite direction.
NIGELLUS: Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Albus?
DUMBLEDORE: I think so, Phineas, but you really need a manticore in order to get Skrewt……
SCENE THREE: In order to avoid cluttering up this scene with pages of clunky expository dialogue, I'll allow myself to wax Shavian at this point to relate some of the back-story which informs this play.
It turns out that The Prophecy really was about Neville, and not Harry - and in the Year Seven finale (1998, 20 years before), it was Neville who finished off the Dark Lord. Given that the final showdown was between Harry and Neville alone against a horde of Death Eaters, and fact that Neville fully credited Harry for helping him develop his long-buried magical talents (as well as the now-legendary Dumbledore's Army), Harry's luster remains undimmed: The Boy Who Lived now shares Co-Hero status with The Man Who Killed.
After the Second War, Harry and Neville both elected to play Quidditch professionally, and were drafted by the Chudley Cannons. The Cannons were able to proudly reclaim their original motto ("We shall conquer") after Harry and Neville led the team to five league championships, as well as winning the both the 2006 and 2010 Quidditch World Cup for Britain. This of course, further augmented their glory.
After retiring from the Cannons in 2013, Harry married Luna Lovegood, and largely disappeared from public view. Their first-born son, Sirius, arrived a year later. His memoirs (Volume I: The War Years in 2015 & Volume 2: The Quidditch Years in 2016) were international best-sellers on so colossal a scale that Harry is now one of the wealthiest men in the Wizarding World. After resisting repeated offers to join the Hogwarts faculty, the Ministry of Magic, or to coach Quidditch professionally, Harry held a rare press conference just six months ago to announce the creation of The Potter Foundation (with himself serving as its President), a philanthropic organization intended to promote worthy and beneficent causes throughout the world (or to "continue to stick his arrogant nose in everyone else's business" as then-Professor Severus Snape commented when first reading the news in The Prophet).
Hermione married George Weasley, CEO of the highly successful Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, shortly after the end of the Second War. She was elected Minister of Magic in 2015, the youngest Minister in history. Her reforms - especially the House Elf Liberation Act of 2015, the Domestic Alley Act of 2016 (aka the Knockturn Alley Buy-Out - Hermione used the power of eminent domain to acquire all of the properties on Knockturn Alley, which were then torn down and replaced with family-friendly businesses under the collective name of Domestic Alley) and the Magic Technology Upgrade Act of 2017- have proven highly popular (the unparalleled prosperity that the Wizarding World currently enjoys has made the freeing of elves less controversial than it might have been otherwise).
Upon her election, Hermione, in a surprise move, appointed Neville as Head of Magic Law Enforcement. Surprising because Neville had amassed a sizable fortune of his through his Quidditch playing and his own memoirs (although they didn't sell nearly as well as Harry's, since they were ghost-written by Prof. Binns), and it was assumed that as the new owner of the Chudley Cannons, he would continue to devote himself to the Sport of Wizards. His status as war hero and his late-blooming athletic skills have had, as you might imagine, a profound affect upon his personality. No longer is he the shy timid introvert that he once was. He now comes across as confident and self-assured, and projects more than his share of star quality. Alas, he tends to be more than a bit abrasive at times, though with enough of a sense of humor to avoid become a complete Big-Head.
Albus Dumbledore survived the Second War, and retired at the end of the 2004-2005 school year. He passed away quietly in his sleep in the summer of 2007. Minerva McGonagall succeeded Dumbledore as Headmistress in 2004, and remained in that post until 2012. Snape stepped down as Head of Slytherin House in order to devote more time to research, and was succeeded by Transfiguration Professor Marcus Flint. Luna, Ginny & Tonks joined the faculty in the last years of Dumbledore's administration, and succeeded to their current positions as Heads of House between 2010 and 2012, so they have been a team for the last six years.
Tonks has been DADA professor since 2003, 15 years now, the longest span of time that anyone has held the post since the 13th Century. Flint's Slytherin Reformation, launched in 2006, is now acknowledged as having a profoundly positive effect on Wizarding society. His colleagues regard him as somewhat stolid, but highly reliable. Luna is still dreamy, but not nearly as spacey as she once was. Ginny is the unacknowledged leader of the quartet. The four heads of house work together as an uncommonly harmonious team, with a strong sense of camaraderie.
Now, let us return to the scene proper: an anteroom adjacent to the Great Hall, an hour after the last scene. Enter NEVILLE. Already present are HERMIONE, COLIN, and the Four Heads of House. NEVILLE, who has not seen any of the Heads of House for several years, is greeted with enthusiastic embraces and handshakes. Everyone is in the sort of festive mood where even the lamest witticism provokes cascades of laughter.
LONGBOTTOM: Sorry, I'm late - hey, it looks like Dumbledore Army & Order of the Phoenix reunion week - sorry, that was a few years after your time, Flint.
FLINT: Ginny's told me so much about it that I feel as though I participated in it myself, Neville.
HERMIONE: God, I was just telling everyone it's so good to be back here again to see all of you - isn't it awful how we use the distractions of the daily grind as an excuse not to stay in closer touch?
CREEVEY: We need to enact legislation requiring all DA & OOP veterans to get drunk together at least once a month.
TONKS: How about once a week?
NEVILLE: Luna, what's going on Harry? He drops out of sight for years, announces that Foundation of his, and drops out of sight again. It is true that you're forcing this Savior of the Wizarding World, this Hall-of-Fame Seeker, to serve as your house-husband?
LUNA (laughing): Of course not, Harry wouldn't know what to do with a non-flying broom in his hand. He's always led such a hectic life that he thought it would be paradise just to sit around home for a few years and relax. But of course, being Harry, he got bored with that after a week, so he decided to write his memoirs. Then, to avoid getting bored again, he decided to establish the Potter Foundation. He'll be making some important announcements very soon. He's really excited about it. This is truly going to be his life's work.
CREEVEY: Speaking of work, I saw photos of that castle you purchased - it looks almost as large at Hogwarts! How is Harry going to manage that place all by himself?
LUNA: Well, he's not alone - Dobby and his family keep the place immaculate, and then we have Aunt Petunia to help care for baby Sirius. She does spoil him so, though, he's beginning to get a little chubby.
GINNY: Whatever Harry's up to, it somehow involves Muggles - and that's Dad's element, as you know, that's why Harry hired Dad. He won't tell us a thing, but he's been almost giddy with excitement these last few months. He's also been hinting there some big announcement coming up.
LUNA: He'll be announcing one project later this week - not the one your Dad's working on, another one. Mum's the word, Harry would kill me if I said anything. No, even worse, he would scowl at me - that always reduces me to tears.
NEVILLE: Gosh, I haven't been back to Hogwarts since - what was it - right after the First World Quidditch Cup win. This place hasn't changed a bit.
TONKS: Including - and especially - You-Know-Who - and I don't mean You-Know-Who.
GINNY: I am so not looking forward to this school year. Having Snape as a colleague was bad enough - having him as the guy who'll be writing my performance evals at the end of each year is not going to do wonders for my morale.
FLINT: Remember when he went on that Sabbatical two years back? I thought maybe some time spent away from the dungeon would refresh him a bit, make him a bit more tolerable. But, instead, he's become more reclusive and surly than ever.
CREEVEY: Where did he go on his sabbatical?
FLINT: None of us know, he's always refused to talk about it.
LUNA: Knowing him, he was probably out collecting more slimy things to put in jars.
HERMIONE: He's a hard man to like - I was probably one of his best students, yet I still have nightmares about him….
We Were All By Severus Taught (to the tune of You've Got to Be Carefully Taught)
HERMIONE:
We had to be taught to brew and mix
Whoever he taught, he'd always berate,
TONKS: Hermione, you can level with us - whose idiotic idea was it to appoint Snape as our Headmaster?
HERMIONE: Well, to be quite honest - it was mine.
ALL (shocked): Yours!
HERMIONE: After I was elected, there were so many other priorities -I postponed taking any action on Hogwarts - I hoped that the problem would just fix itself, that the right person would appear. But it didn't happen, and I felt it my responsibility to intervene. I lobbied the Board of Governors to approve Snape as Headmaster. (pause) Anyway, the only other candidate was Cornelius Fudge, wanting to come out of retirement.
TONKS: But why? Why Snape?
HERMIONE: Let's face it, Tonks: the Headmaster position has become as unstable as the Defense Against Dark Arts post used to be before you took it over. McGonagall certainly did a decent job for several years, but she finally cracked under the pressure, and permanently transfigured herself into a cat.
GINNY: That reminds me - I must remember set out a saucer of milk for her tonight.
HERMIONE: And look who've we had after that: Rebeus Hagrid - after only four months he deserted his post and returned to the giants - then, Sybill Trelawney - Gilderoy Lockhart - Stan Shunpike - need I say more? Hogwarts is becoming an international laughing-stock.
FLINT: What makes you think Snape, of all people, can do any better? I mean even Shunpike had some good qualities…..
HERMIONE: I grant you Snape is a jerk, an autocrat, a petty tyrant in many ways, he's cruel, vindictive, arrogant, snide, remote, quick to take offense, slow to forgive - and he still rarely if ever bathes. But still, he's tough, incredibly intelligent, disciplined, focused, passionately devoted to Hogwarts and just as demanding of himself as he is of others. We need to restore some stability to Hogwarts, and Snape is the man who can do that.
GINNY: In other words, you're telling us, not only is Snape an asshole, he's an asshole you're hoping will stay in a position of great power and authority over us for years to come.
FLINT (half in jest): Luna, does Harry have any openings at the Potter Foundation?
HERMIONE: And all of you - help me out here, please. Please, promise me you'll do all you can to make Snape a success. Don't prejudge Snape. Don't try to sabotage him before he even gets started. Give him all the support you can. Let's make this a success. Snape does a lot of things right, things he never gets credit for. There's a true goodness in Snape, deep down…
NEVILLE & COLIN (interrupting): Way deep-down!!
HERMIONE: I mean, look back during our school years he saved us from Prof. Quirrell and had us rescued in the Department of Mysteries. It was he who helped solve the mysteries of the Half-Blood Prince, the Pillar of Storgé and the Toe-Nail of Icklibõgg. But everyone still thinks of him as some malodorous greasy-haired git. Maybe if he gets a little positive recognition for all the good that he's done, we'll start to see his kinder side emerge.
GINNY: For someone who's obtained the most powerful political office in the Wizarding World, you can be awfully naïve at times.
HERMIONE: And I'm not denying the possibility for disaster. One thing's for certain - Snape won't be mediocre. He'll either be brilliant or he'll be calamitous. Look, I know this isn't going to be fun - all I can tell you is that my door will always be open to you. I trust all of you, and I hope you feel you can trust me. I know that none of you will come whining to me over every little slight and inconvenience. But if it's something major - something truly intolerable - call me. OK?
HERMIONE looks at everyone a bit uncertainly. The Heads of House give their reluctant assent
TONKS: No wonder you got elected in a landslide vote - who can say "No" to you, girl?
Everyone laughs
OK, I promise to help the slimy git.
GINNY, FLINT & LUNA: And we promise too!
HERMIONE: And one more thing - don't tell him that I lobbied the Board to appoint him. I don't want him to feel indebted to me.
NEVILLE: I somehow don't think that's going to be the problem, Hermione.
FLINT: What are all these big reforms we keep hearing about? What's Snape up to?
HERMIONE: I don't know - I was hoping he might say something today, but he's still keeping it under wraps. I have to tell you, though tradition allows a new Headmaster considerable leeway in instituting procedural changes, and I promised not to interfere with what Snape has in mind - but the Board of Governors will have the opportunity to review his changes at the end of the year, and reject the ones they think inappropriate.
TONKS: OK, Hermione - we don't want to fight you on this - we've all been through too much together to start distrusting one another now - but I still think that Snape is going to be as big a disaster as Gilderoy Lockhart….OK, change the subject - Neville, it's so great to see you again, but I'm so sorry about your mother.
NEVILLE: Thank you, Tonks. Still, it had been a long illness, and she was ready to go. I'll always be grateful that she became lucid again during her last few years. She once told me that her dream as a young witch was to become Head of Magical Law Enforcement. She said she used to joke about how she would become Dad's supervisor someday. That's when Hermione offered me the post of MLE. Mum said that the proudest moment of her life was seeing me sworn in. You know, she missed so much of my growing up, but at least she was there for that (he wipes his eyes). Have Snape check out the ventilation, will you, it's making my eyes sting.
GINNY: Neville, that's very touching.
NEVILLE: Well, to tell you the truth, I feel a little guilty - being Head of MLE has got to be about the easiest job in the world these days. I mean, what with the fall of Voldemort and the Slytherin Reformation, and now the Knockturn Alley buy-out, the Dark Arts are dying out. The only surviving Death Eaters are too decrepit these days to even say the word "Kedavra," let alone cast the spell. The most serious crimes I've prosecuted all summer involve underage magic or kids spray-painting the side of Gringotts Bank. The younger Aurors on my staff have only know about the Unforgivables through books and what they hear from us old timers.
COLIN: Let's hope it always stays that way.
HERMIONE: Yes, we're in a Golden Age, and I'm afraid Golden Ages can tend to be a bit boring. But one thing we should learn from history is that times like this don't last. Let's enjoy it while we can. When the next Voldemort turns up, I'm sure we're all going to wish we could set our time-turners back to 2018.
CREEVEY: By the way, where's our guest of honor?
HERMIONE: I'm sure he'll be joining us soon.
TONKS: Look, here comes the slimy git now- I mean, the lovable curmudgeon with the heart of a child…
GINNY….floating in a jar on his desk.
As the Heads of House and NEVILLE roar with laughter, SNAPE enters, looking exceedingly vexed
HERMIONE: Headmaster Snape, please accept my congratulations on your appointment. I believe you'll remember Neville Longbottom, now Head of MLE. He wasn't able to attend the inauguration this morning.
SNAPE AND NEVILLE acknowledge the others' presence coolly
SNAPE: Minister Granger-Weasley, Mister Longbottom. Pardon my delay, I was just interviewing a candidate for the Potions Master position. I must say that one of the most unsettling aspects of old age is seeing one's former charges installed in positions of power and responsibility, for which they have neither the scope nor the necessary training. (smirking) Present company excepted, of course.
NEVILLE (pretending as if Snape made a witticism, but recognizing the intended malice) Ah, Headmaster, as charming and witty as ever. You know, during that final battle when Voldemort and Bellatrix had us trapped in the Pillar of Storge, and Bellatrix had completely disabled Harry with a Crucio, and I was the last one standing: all I could think was: "Hey, this is scary - but it isn't nearly as scary as that first time I melted a cauldron in Snape's dungeon." Then I knew that since I survived that experience, I would survive the Death Eaters as well. So it's all thanks to you, Severus Septimius Snape, that I became the legend I am today.
Everyone except SNAPE laughs - HERMIONE tactfully changes the subject
HERMIONE: You said, Headmaster, that you interviewed a new candidate for the Potions Master.
SNAPE (his aspect softening a bit): Yes, as a matter of fact, I just owled her an offer - if she accepts, than we will be fully staffed for the start-of-term.
HERMIONE: That's excellent news, Headmaster. I'm sure she must be very highly talented indeed if she measures up to your standards. Who is she?
SNAPE: Her name is Amy Sumeria…
GINNY: Name doesn't ring a bell.
LUNA: Likewise…..
SNAPE:….a witch of British descent, largely raised and educated in Canada and just this year returning to Britain. And she not only meets my standards - I must say she supercedes them.
HERMIONE: Wow. She must be good…..
NEVILLE (aside to GINNY): I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.
GINNY (aside to NEVILLE): You killed Bellatrix, right? And Snape doesn't do resurrections, right?
AMY'S bluebird, the one that gave her resume to SNAPE, flutters in, and delivers a message to the Headmaster.
SNAPE: This is from Ms. Sumeria - she writes that she is most pleased and honored to accept the post of Potions Master, and will arrive in time for the Start-of-Term feast.
Light applause from all. The bluebird perches on SNAPE'S shoulder and begins warbling joyously. SNAPE angrily swats at it, and the poor thing flees in terror.
HERMIONE: Wonderful news, Headmaster - you'll begin your first year fully staffed. I will look forward to meeting her.
A chiming sound is heard - NEVILLE retrieves a cell phone from his robe. Those from the Ministry obviously do not regard this as anything out of the ordinary - but the Hogwarts staff are puzzled, while SNAPE looks sternly disapproving.
NEVILLE: This is Neville - Right - I'm at Hogwarts - some odd disturbances at Little Hangleton, you say? Right - do a full investigation. I'll expect your report in the morning - you have my e-mail? Great - and cc a copy to Minister Creevey and Minister Granger-Weasley. Bye.
HERMIONE (seeing the puzzled reactions from the others): Oh, I should have explained, as part of last year's Magic Technology Upgrade Act, we adapted a number of alternative communication systems at the Ministry, things that have been in use amongst the Muggles for decades now. The day I became Minister, I learned that even though I was supposed to be one of the most powerful witches in the world, I couldn't do so much as a lousy conference call, something my dentist parents were doing when I was still a student. So the Muggle Artifacts Office was commissioned to determine which implements could best be adapted for magical use: we now have cell-phones, pagers, fax machines, PDAs and desktop word-processors, as well as inter-office e-mail.
COLIN: Yeah, our goal is a scroll-less office by this time next year (handing his phone to SNAPE). Headmaster, please, keep this one for yourself, they're very easy to operate. Look, this particular phone has a camera attachment, let me show how it works…..
SNAPE (recoiling in disgust): The injection of Muggle paraphernalia with the arts and sciences of magic is something of which I can never approve ….
COLIN: Headmaster, do you think that trains were invented by wizards? Or automobiles? Is it your belief that the art of photography is of magical origin? No - those inventions were first discovered by Muggles, adapted to the Wizarding World by those unafraid of innovation and progress.
SNAPE: You'll soon learn that I'm actually quite receptive to innovation, Mr. Secretary. Such toys and gizmos, however, are merely methods of amusing children - and of course the childish at heart.
HERMIONE: What was the call about, Neville?
NEVILLE: Just some reports about some odd runes and signs of Dark Arts rituals in Little Hangleton - it's probably nothing, just teenaged pranksters, but as you know, when anything out of the ordinary happens around Little Hangleton, people get real spooked.
GINNY: It's been what, more than 20 years ago since…..
NEVILLE: Hey, I'm sick of talking shop - let me Silencio! this damn thing. Man, I'm famished. Marcus, I need some good old House-Elf Home Cooking, and I want to hear all about this Slytherin Reformation of yours.
MARCUS: Certainly - why don't we all head over to the Great Hall, and we can discuss it over drinks and dinner.
TONKS: Yeah, I'm starved.
MARCUS: And let me assure you that our House Elves, liberated though they may now be, have lost not a single iota of their fabled culinary skill.
Everyone - except SNAPE - laughs, and exits toward the Great Hall, leaving SNAPE alone - all except HERMIONE, who lingers behind.
HERMIONE: Headmaster, could I have a word with you?
SNAPE (angry): If this is about my Start-of-Term speech, I've already told you that….
HERMIONE: No, it's not that - it's something else. Well, now that I'm Minister of Magic and you're Headmaster of Hogwarts, we hold two of the most important positions in the Wizarding World. I know we haven't been the best of friends in the past, but I just want both of us to be successful in what we're doing, and to work together in harmony.
SNAPE stares at HERMIONE coldly, but without any other response - she pauses, and begins again, somewhat nervously
HERMIONE: There's a long-standing tradition that the Minister of Magic and the Headmaster of Hogwarts address one another by first name. As a token of the friendship and fraternity that the two positions have - ought to have. It's just a token, of course, and in and of itself doesn't really mean anything - but it represents the kind of relationship - professional but close and collegial - that I would like to build with you (nervous pause). Anyway, I would like it very much if you would call me "Hermione."
SNAPE continues to stare coldly at HERMIONE
SNAPE: It seems to me that the Minister of Magic has her duties to perform and Headmaster of Hogwarts has his own set of quite different and distinct duties to perform, and there is - or should be - very little overlap between them. On those rare instances when we might have occasion to "call" on one another, let us remember first and foremost that ours is a strictly professional relationship. I trust I make myself clear - Minister Granger-Weasley?
SNAPE coldly sweeps out of the room, delighted that he's finally been able to trash someone so efficiently on his first day. HERMIONE, now alone, looks as though she had been slapped in the face (as indeed she has).
HERMIONE (to herself): You can handle this. Get a grip. Count to ten - 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. (she remains quiet for several seconds, then lets loose a scream of anger and frustration). Of all the infuriating people I've ever ---- Oh, God, they're right, they're absolutely right, Snape is an asshole, an unmitigated asshole, oh, it's going to be a disaster, what the hell was I thinking…….
It looks like I'm stuck
Exit HERMIONE, slowly and irresolutely.
SCENE IV: The Riddle House, a few hours later. It still looks like your standard haunted house, a majestic mansion now in abandoned ruin and deserted disrepair, with cobwebs and layers of dust everywhere. Auror JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY is discovered typing on a laptop as the scene opens. Enter his fellow agent CHO CHANG, who is clearly distraught.
JUSTIN: Did you find anything in the graveyard?
CHO: Someone's used a cauldron out there recently, a pretty good-sized one, too, but there's no sign of what was brewing.
JUSTIN: Were there Muggles in the vicinity? Could this be a Breech of Secrecy violation?
CHO: I don't think so, they seem to have covered their tracks pretty thoroughly. (Pause) Sorry, I'm a little upset, I guess. I was out there, walking through the tombstones, and I suddenly realized where I was - not only is this the site where Voldemort was resurrected, this is where he murdered Cedric. Oh, God, it's been so many years, but sometimes it still feels like it just happened yesterday. I had never been here before, and I didn't realize it until I was already out there….
CHO begins weeping, throwing herself on JUSTIN'S shoulder. JUSTIN embraces her.
JUSTIN (softly): I'll never forget it, either - when Harry returned with Cedric's body and we all at once realized he was dead. But Cho - Cedric's loss wasn't in vain - he died a hero's death. Why, we'll probably dedicate an entire room to him here.
CHO (pulling back from JUSTIN). Room? What are you talking about?
JUSTIN: The Potter Foundation just purchased the Riddle House. It's going to be converted to a museum to commemorate the history and the heroes of the Second War. Harry thought that the most appropriate location would be here, right where Voldemort hid out before his resurrection. It's already been announced to the Muggles that this old place will be torn down - then the Potter Foundation staff will secure the site with Muggle-Repelling Charms. And - best of all - Harry offered me the position as Museum Director - at three times the salary I'm making now. We'll be able to afford some comfort once we get married.
CHO (embracing him): Oh, Justin, that's wonderful. (pulling back) So is that why we're here? - you're goofing off on company time to scout out your new worksite?
JUSTIN (laughing): Not exactly - but I did make sure I got an OK from Neville before coming out here. There really was a report of activity here last night - but there's been rumors of strange goings-on in the Riddle House for years - none of them ever checked out, and for the most part we stopped investigating them years ago - after talking to Harry, though, I thought it was worth checking the place out - making sure there aren't any old Death Eaters camping out beneath the floorboards.
They climb the stairs to the second floor, and walk down the dusty corridor, and enter a room at the end of the corridor
JUSTIN: You know, this is an absolutely beautiful place - well, it's not now, but it once was, and it can be again. We can house the exhibits on the first floor, and here on the second floor we'll add a conference room, some classrooms, and the administrative offices. Ah, now this room is the one I want for my office. I want my name on my door in gold leaf... "J. FINCH-FLETCHLEY". Boy! When you see it on your own door...And look at the magnificent old fireplace. Sure beats the hell out of that cubicle I'm stuck in now.
CHO: Justin, you should have talked to me about this, I'm not keen on you working here, no matter how much they're paying you. This place really gives me the creeps. I don't know if I can make this trip again.
JUSTIN (taking her hand): Things will be fine Cho…I'll be with you. Besides - you're seeing the house as it is now, old and abandoned and neglected and unloved. Once we take over and get our renovations completed, it'll be as though it returned to life. And also, Harry says he wants all the surviving DA members out here for the gala opening.
CHO: By the way, did you find anything in the basement?
JUSTIN: A few footprints, some discarded food wrappers - probably homeless Muggle vagrants. Definitely no trace of ectoplasmic activity. No doxies, no boggarts, only a few fire ant colonies. Nothing to be alarmed about (he finishes typing his report). Let me e-mail our report to Neville - you know how anal gets if we don't file these promptly.
JUSTIN types and sends the message - CHO embraces him, and they exchange a passionate kiss. CHO continues to cling to JUSTIN
CHO: Will you stay with me, tonight, Justin- I'm sure I'm going to have nightmares about this….
JUSTIN: Of course - anything for the future Ms. Finch-Fletchley.
CHO (laughing): Ms. Chang-Finch-Fletchley, you mean of course.
JUSTIN: My wife, the hyphen-Queen.
They exchange one more quick kiss, and Apparate from the premises. A few seconds of silence. A hulking form emerges from beneath the floorboards - it remains in the shadows so we cannot see its face.
HULKING FORM: Potter? Harry Potter? Coming here? Tomorrow? I must go - but where? A new hiding place? (Pause) Or is this the sign - the long-expected sign that it is time for me to finally act? To strike back! Yes - the hour is at hand at last - the heir of Voldemort shall achieve his destiny! Accio!
The HULKING FORM Accio's his trunk and blasts open the front door of the Riddle House. With his wand, he burns this message into the entryway wall: ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE! He exits laughing triumphantly.
SCENE V: The Great Hall of Hogwarts, one month later. The Start of Term Feast. The Heads of House sit together at the High Table, awaiting the Sorting Ceremony (ushering in the new first-years was delegated to other faculty this year). They are all talking about the exciting announcement made earlier in the day by the Potter Foundation.
GINNY (reading from The Daily Prophet): "Harry Potter, President of the Potter Foundation, and Arthur Weasley, the Foundation's Director of Magical & Electronic Communications, today announced a major breakthrough in magic communication systems. Basing itself on the so-called World Wide Web developed by Muggles over a quarter century ago, the Potter Foundation's Witchcraft and Wizardry Worldbook (WWW) utilizes the Hypertexto Markuponem spell developed by Mr. Weasley. When the HTM Spell is used upon a book, letter or document, its contents are instantly uproaded to the WWW. 'This is the next step forward in implementing the Ministry's Upgrade Act,' Mr. Weasley told this reporter. 'We can uproad not only texts, but photographs, movies, and recordings. Anyone in possession of a disktop or labtop (now standard equipment at all Ministry offices) will be able to "go onlane", as we like to say, to access this information (provided the disktop has sufficient Googlebelts). All they have to do is type in the correct urinal.'
"Soon disktops will have the capability of transferring solid objects small enough to enter the screen. 'In the future,' said Mr. Weasley, 'disktop screens will become large enough to permit wizards to travel through them. Because if small computers are powerful, just think how much more powerful a large one will be!'
"To demonstrate the capabilities of the WWW, Potter uproaded a copy of his memoirs, which were then immediately accessed on a disktop owned by Weasley Wheezes CEO George Weasley nearly 300 miles away. The two were then able to exchange print message instantaneously. 'Even the best owls would have taken at least an hour,' typed Mr. Weasley. Mr. Weasley later held a press conference of his own to announce his corporation's 'WWW is the WWW' program. 'Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes will soon be offering an array of affordable disktop models, so that even those with modest incomes will be able to access the Wizardry and Witchcraft Worldbook.'
Speaking for The Ministry of Magic, Undersecretary Creevey hailed the creation of the WWW as 'a great leap forward for British magic, and another jewel in the crown of one of Wizardry's living legends.' He announced that the Ministry would fully cooperate with the Foundation to determine how to best utilize this technology. 'As I understand it,' said Mr. Creevey, 'each agency within the Ministry will have the capability of setting up its own "house stage", which will give citizens readily accessible and immediate information and assistance, rather than have to Apparate to the nearest office and stand in line for hours on end, as they often do now.'
"Potter said that he hoped to secure an agreement with Hogwarts and its new Headmaster Severus Snape to uproad the contents of the school library. Considered to be the finest collection of magical literature in the English-speaking world, its haphazard and chaotic organization have been the subject of complaints for centuries. 'Just don't get me started on what I had to go through during my fourth year in that damn library,' laughed Mr. Potter. There was no word as yet on whether Headmaster Snape would be willing to cooperate…." Continued on A-4.
TONKS: Don't continue, that's the fourth time you've read it, Ginny.
GINNY: I know, I know I can't help it, I've never felt so proud and happy in my life. Just look - my father, Dad's now famous throughout the Wizarding World. Look at how happy he looks - and Mum beside him there. He finally sold the Burrow and they've moved into some really upscale condos out at Tutshill - Mum just can't get over how comfortable everything is. It's the first time I've really seen her happy since we lost Ron and Fred. They deserve this, they deserve this so much. And George is so involved with this, too! I just can't believe how great this is.
LUNA: Your parents are such wonderful people - I'm so happy for them.
FLINT: I still don't understand - so you have all these books uproaded, and they're floating around in - what do you call it - silospace? How do you find anything?
LUNA: Harry explained it to me. You just get the urinal of a surge ensign - you then type in the name of what you're looking for, and you get a list of every document with that particular name on the WWW.
TONKS: So if you entered "Crumple Horned Snorkack"......
LUNA: You'll get a list of every house page that mentions Crumple Horned Snorkack. And we're the first Wizarding nation to adapt this new technology. The Potter Foundation is making Britain Number One again.
FLINT: I'm just glad Madam Pince is no longer around. Just imagine her reaction. What does our current librarian think of this project?
GINNY: MacMillain's excited about it. His only concern is that the security measures may not be stringent enough - and the Muggles will be accessing all of our records.
LUNA: Harry said that Arthur came up a spell - any Muggle who accidentally stumbles onto one of our house stages will think they are looking at the family photo album of the Crawcastle family of Stuebenville, Ohio. They won't be tempted to investigate. And for wizards in Muggle homes below school age, there's something called Net Nanny.
TONKS: Besides, it's not really MacMillain - it's Snape - I can't see Snapey doing anything to help Harry - doing anything to help anybody for that matter, but especially not Harry.
GINNY: Let him do his worst: I'm so happy, not even Snape could ruin my night.
FLINT: Anybody have any idea what Snape's going to say?
TONKS: No, absolutely not - and does any one know about the new Potions Master?
LUNA: Not a word about her, since last week.
GINNY: She should have been here by now. The students are getting impatient. They should be about ready for the Sorting.
TONKS: But where's the Hat? Where's the stool?
SNAPE strides to the front of the Hall as mounts the podium.
FLINT: He's going to speak before the Sorting - before dinner?
TONKS: What is he doing?
GINNY: This had better be brief, Snape.
SNAPE: Good evening, faculty, returning students, first-years. I am Severus Snape, the new Headmaster of Hogwarts. I am departing from tradition by addressing you before the dinner and what was formerly referred to as the Sorting.
I am proud to take the reins of Hogwarts as it enters into the second millennium of its existence. But as we begin this new school year, I fear that all is not well in our beloved institution. We are enjoying an extended interlude of peace and prosperity: desirable things in themselves, but which have the undesirable effects of increasing indolence, lethargy, and complacency, in both the intellectual and moral sense. When the next catastrophe strikes, when the next Grindelwald, the next Voldemort rises up, will we be prepared to cope? I think not. But remember: “happy is that nation which in a time of peace thinks of armaments.”
In recent years, I fear, our discipline has loosened, standards have been lowered, and an increased emphasis has been placed on the trivial and the ephemeral. The American periodical US Owl and Orb Report has, for the seventh consecutive year, rated Hogwarts as the “Top Partying School” of the Wizarding World, though in recent years we've consistently failed to make the top ten in academics, spell research or scholarship. Surely our ancestors did not devote their lives, and in some cases, sacrifice their lives, so that their grandchildren might gorge themselves on Bertie's beans and butterbeer.
Tonight, I would like to describe to you how I will restore Hogwarts to its traditionally high standards of academic excellence. The following Educational Decrees, Numbers 412-416, shall become effective immediately:
I realize that anytime modifications are made in long-standing customs, there is apt to be some discomfort and some ruffled feathers. But these long-overdue reforms are necessary to ensure the continued success of our joint efforts. “Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great.” With your assistance, we will succeed.
Four house elves - KREACHER, his wife WINKY, and their sons BAUDELAIRE and BELVEDERE - enter, each pushing a noisy food cart on which MREs are stacked. Each elf, muttering under its breath, takes a different table, and begins to indifferently fling the MREs to the seated students and faculty.
Ah, our wholesome, healthy dinner is about to be served. Enjoy.
SNAPE dismounts the podium, not expecting any applause, which is good, because none is forthcoming - GINNY stands up, and is about to shout something in challenge to SNAPE - but then we hear a pair of hands coming together several times from the very back of the Hall. The hands belong to AMY SUMERIA who entered the Hall, unobserved, at the beginning of SNAPE's speech. Now, accompanied by her familiars, she makes her way to the High Table to address the Hall.
SUMERIA (radiantly): Good evening, boys and girls, new co-workers, Headmaster Snape. I am Amy Sumeria, and I am your new Potions Masters. Perhaps it's brash of me to speak out like this, new professor that I am - but I heard all of the Headmaster's speech, and even though we may feel a little uncomfortable about some of his ideas, let's remember, he is our Headmaster. His job is to lead and ours is to follow. And we won't know whether his ideas are good ideas or not until we try them out, right, team? So let's just all join hands and put our shoulders to the wheel, and everybody give 100% effort!
We Will Be By Severus Taught (reprise of You've Got to Be Carefully Taught)
AMY:
We won't have a hat to choose and sort
We'll now open up our unit's front door
I think Headmaster Snape deserves a big round of applause for all the hard work he's put into these proposals. Boys and girls? Fellow faculty?
To the surprise of the Four Heads of House - I mean Heads of Unit, the students enthusiastically applaud AMY's speech. She motions for SNAPE to take a bow, which he stiffly does. AMY greets the Four Heads with great eagerness
AMY: Hello, I'm Amy Sumeria. Professor Tonks, the Order of the Phoenix, of course, what a privilege, Professor Flint, so you're the man the behind the Slytherin Reformation, Professor Weasley, oh I always wanted to meet you, your family endured such great sacrifices during the Second War, and - and Professor Lovegood, oh you must be so proud of your husband, he's going to do such wonderful things for the Wizarding World.
LUNA (with uncharacteristic coldness): He's already has done wonderful things for the Wizarding World, Professor Sumeria. He just plans to keep on doing them, that's all.
AMY (oblivious to Luna's venom): Yes, of course, a truly great man your husband, I can't wait to meet Harry. Now, if you'll pardon me, I've got to run now - I need to touch base with our Headmaster, and get all signed up for new employee orientation (she laughs at her own joke). I just know we're all going to be such great friends. Toodle-loo!
A brief silence, as AMY walks away and joins SNAPE. AMY takes a seat beside him, and digs into her MRE with great enthusiasm. The Heads of Unit remain in a doubly-stunned silence for several moments.
LUNA (amazed, more to herself than the others): I can't believe it - I actually said something - bitchy.
TONKS: I had a hundred bitchy things I wanted to say - each comment tried to come out simultaneously and I was left tongue-tied.
GINNY: I should have never have underestimated Snape. I said that not even he could ruin my day today - and - presto! - it's ruined. - My God, who the hell is that woman? She looks like some kind of fantasy-Veela dreamed up by a sex-starved Seventh Year.
LUNA: We shouldn't hold her appearance against - or the way she's over there shamelessly sucking up to Snape - maybe she'll turn out to be nice - no, I guess not. Maybe she'll stay down in her dungeon, and not bother us. (pause) Maybe they'll finally discover crumple-horned snorkacks.
FLINT: Isn't it interesting though, how her timing “just happened” to distract everyone from focusing on Snape's speech tonight? Just a coincidence, I'm sure (the others snicker mirthlessly). I can't believe this! This is a slap in the face, a rejection of everything I achieved with the Slytherin Reformation. You can't trust Snape! Once an unreformed Slytherin, always an unreformed Slytherin. Can't we do something?
GINNY: You heard Hermione - new Headmasters are traditionally given plenty of scope to reshape Hogwarts as they choose - as long as they can show positive results.(pause) I can't believe - Gryffindor - gone forever!
TONKS: The proudest moment of my life was when I was made head of Hufflepuff - and now I'm Head of Unit D. Unit D?
LUNA: The man lacks poetry.
GINNY: And how are the students going to get any school work done if they have to do all the cleaning everyday?
FLINT: No Quidditch!
TONKS: No trips to Hogsmeade! - half the shops will go out of business! They can't survive without student trade!
LUNA: And this awful food three times a day?
As the meals are completed, the house-elves return to resentfully pick up the MRE packages.
GINNY: I'm too depressed to talk any more tonight - I'm heading back to Gryffindor - or Unit A, I should say. Remember, we promised Hermione we'd all try to help Snape succeed. So, stiff upper lip, everyone. But when things get really bad - when, not if - we'll call Hermione. Until then -
TONKS: We should all get some sleep - we'll talk in the morning.
FLINT: Good night, Ginny - good night, everyone…
LUNA: Good night.
GINNY, LUNA & TONKS exit, all throwing acidic looks at AMY, who is still talking to SNAPE (and doing most of the talking, to boot). Students are starting to file out as well. MARCUS is left alone at the table.
FLINT (aside): Tonight looked like the perfect night to ask her - I was finally going to do it - but I can't, not after all this. If only I had a bit of her courage! But patience, Marcus, has been your road to success - let me be patient, and she may yet be mine. Timing is everything. Another opportunity is sure to present itself.
EXIT MARCUS, along with the last few students. SNAPE & AMY are left alone in the Great Hall, except for the four House Elves grumbling around them as they finish their cleaning.
SCENE SIX: The Headmaster's Office. Late one evening, three weeks after the Start of Term (ha ha) Feast. Snape, in athletic gear (including a coach's whistle around his neck), sits at his desk, picking disconsolately at an MRE. He reads aloud from the sixth chapter of his well-worn half-price copy of Machiavelli's Prince
SNAPE: ".....And it ought to be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, then to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. Because the innovator has for enemies all those who have done well under the old conditions, and lukewarm defenders in those who may do well under the new. This coolness arises partly from fear of the opponents, who have the laws on their side, and partly from the incredulity of men, who do not readily believe in new things until they have had a long experience of them. Thus it happens that whenever those who are hostile have the opportunity to attack they do..."
His reading is interrupted by an owl who flutters in just long enough to drop off a bright red envelope. SNAPE listens stoically to the latest in a long series of howlers…
HOWLER: ……MY LITTLE ETHELBERT JUST SENT ME A SAMPLE OF THAT HORRIBLE STUFF YOU'RE FEEDING HIM NOW, I'M NOT SPENDING MY HARD-EARNED GALLEONS SO YOU CAN STARVE MY ONLY CHILD TO DEATH, THERE BETTER BE SOME CHANGES MADE AND MADE DAMN SOON OR I'M YANKING HIM OUT OF HOGWARTS AND SENDING HIM TO OVERSEAS TO THAT DURN-STRANG SCHOOL, AND I DON'T EVEN CARE IF HE HAS TO LEARN BULGARIAN OR ALBANIAN OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY JABBBER IN OVER THERE. AND HE SAYS THERE'S NO MORE QUIDDITCH TEAMS!?? GOOD GRAVY! MY WIZENGAMOT REPRESENTATIVE WILL HEAR OF THIS!
The noise of the Howler echoes for a few moments. SNAPE bellows at the now-empty air.
SNAPE: Who cares! Take that miserable little snotrag of yours out of Hogwarts, see if I give a - (writing) Note to self: Have Crabbe determine many students we've lost in the last three weeks… (throwing quill aside). Never mind - who cares? No one's ever been able to figure how many students are enrolled in Hogwarts in the first place, so what does it matter how many we lose…..
DUMBLEDORE (sharply): Severus, you can't just ignore this, you've got to come up with a reasonable course of action.
SNAPE: Everyone said Hogwarts needed strong leadership - that it needed practical, level-headed but far-reaching reforms. And so I gave them their strong leadership and their practical, level-headed but far-reaching reforms. And what's their response? - They don't like strong leadership! They don't like practical, level-headed but far-reaching reforms!
NIGELLUS: I can see their point - I don't like them either.
DUMBLEDORE: I won't touch upon the merits of your Educational Decrees, Severus, no matter how disastrous I may think them. But it's not merely their content, it's the whole process through which you arrived at them. You merely hinted big changes were coming, solicited no feedback from us or from anyone, and now you're pouting because people complain about your Decrees.
SNAPE: So, what should I do?
DUMBLEDORE: Your overall objective - to restore some academic rigor and substance to our school - is a laudable one. You just need to go about seeking it in a way that it doesn't make Hogwarts feel like a prison to everyone. Offer to compromise, scale back a few things. Show that you can respond constructively to criticism. Let the Quidditch teams fly again. Vary the menu a bit. Rehire a few of the house elves. Allow visits to Hogsmeade to students who meet certain standards. Grant the Potter Foundation limited access to……
SNAPE seems to be receptive to DUMBLEDORE's suggestions until the name Potter is introduced.
SNAPE: That supercilious self-important over-rated little (he searches for some really damning descriptor) show-off! -that's all he is, a celebrity show-off! How he's plagued me for nearly 30 years now. This whole thing is his doing, I warrant it.
NIGELLUS: Oh, quit being so melodramatic.
DUMBLEDORE: Now, Severus, I've spoken to you for many times about not jumping to conclusions about Harry. And by the way, he genuinely wants to make amends for all his past frictions with you. I believe he's owled you several times in the last few months, but you've yet to reply.
SNAPE: How wonderful! Harry Potter, the Wonkish-Wonder-Working electronically amplified magician, still knows how to use an owl - a true Renaissance man. Bah! This whole World Wide Web knock-off of his is just some plot to undermine my authority.
DUMBLEDORE: Really, you should know better than that. Harry first came up with the idea of the WWW a few years ago, long before you were made Headmaster.
SNAPE: Oh he did, did he, the clever little boy genius? He never showed such initiative when he was my student (suspiciously). By the way, how do you know so much about Potter?
DUMBLEDORE: Another of my portraits hangs in Harry's office at the Potter Foundation - of course, I respect his confidentiality as strictly as yours, but I'm not breaching his confidence when I merely repeat to you things he already put in his letters.
SNAPE: I should have known, spies all around me. Memo to self: Get Filch here in the morning, and have him move Dumbledore to Hogwarts' most isolated broom closest.
DUMBLEDORE (lighting flicking some dust off his left shoulder): I had the feeling I was going to tick you off every now and again. Good thing I had the foresight to have a Permanent Sticking Charm performed on me.
SNAPE (shrieking): That's all right - go ahead and Permanently Stick away, I couldn't care less.
SNAPE throws a jar with a slimy thing in it at DUMBLEDORE.
DUMBLEDORE (casually): Protego.
The aforementioned jar explodes a few feet in front of DUMBLEDORE'S portrait, leaving the Headmaster unscathed. The fight seems to go out of SNAPE, who sinks wearily into his chair.
SNAPE: Albus, forgive me. I - I lost control. It won't happen again.
DUMBLEDORE: Nothing to forgive, old friend. I would suggest doing a Reparo on your specimen, however.
SNAPE magically reseals the jar, and places it back on his desk
SNAPE: (long pause) Now I understand why McGonagall transfigured herself for good into a cat. How does anyone ever stand the pressure on this job, the thousands of demands, the constant setbacks? The ingratitude! The lack of appreciation! Over half of Hogwarts staff have already given notice, our student population is hemorrhaging, The Daily Prophet seems determined to headline every little problem we're experiencing, and those damn Howlers 24/7! And in spite of my regimen of wholesome diet and routine exercise, the remaining staff and students look so sullen and fatigued all the time…
NIGELLUS: It may be due to the fact that most of the students are up till 3 a.m. every night doing their housekeeping chores.
SNAPE: Don't they understand? I'm not doing this for myself - I'm doing it for Hogwarts. If only there were one person, just one, who could truly understand that, just one person who would realize this….
A bluebird suddenly swoops into the room, depositing a small package. SNAPE opens it.
SNAPE: It's from Prof. Sumeria (reading) “Dearest Headmaster: I just read the interview in The Prophet with former Professor Sinistra, and I hope you won't let it upset you. It was very unfair of her to blame her recent departure on you, and the Prophet has no business printing such scurrilous characterizations like the one's on today editorial page. But I know your spirit is too lofty and generous to be weighted down by a few carping critics. Your brave and selfless concern for doing what is right, not merely what is popular, will forever be in inspiration to me. Truly, you are the man in the arena….
The two portraits roll their eyes
….whose place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. I hope when you get a chance, you'll revisit the old Potions Dungeon. I'm anxious to see if you approve of my attempts to redecorate. With fondest wishes and eternal support - Amy Sumeria. P.S. I'm sending along a little batch of fudge brownies. They're an old house elf recipe.” (SNAPE sighs in relief) What a comfort it is to know that in this cold and gray world, there is- there really is one person who can actually empathize.
NIGELLUS: My spider sense is tingling.
DUMBLEDORE: Careful, Severus: you're in a, shall we say, emotionally vulnerable state right now, and, frankly this Sumeria woman seems more than a bit manipulative to me.
SNAPE (furious): There's one person in the entire Wizarding World who supports what I'm trying to do, and I'm supposed to reject her? A fine bunch of advisers you are, “shall we say?”
SNAPE removes his athletic gear and throws on his robes.
NIGELLUS: Where are you going?
SNAPE: I've got better things to do than to be hectored at by you two-bit two-dimensional dabs of pigment. Don't wait up for me.
Exit SNAPE, slamming the door behind him.
SCENE SEVEN: The Potions Dungeon, about ten minutes later. Only the left side of the stage is dimly illuminated. SNAPE enters, muttering to himself.
SNAPE: I never truly appreciated this old dungeon till now, now that I've left it. My life's work. Thirty-six years I spent in this dungeon - where I brewed, I stoppered, I bottled - I created! I actually did things - made things! There's nothing more satisfying that to actually make things! Even though 99% of my students were hopeless dunderheads, at least they learned a little humility: they said to themselves, “here is a scholar, a man of knowledge and power, doing things that only those gifted with the highest talents are privileged to do.” Whereas - what do I do now? Nothing! I'm a glorified bureaucrat. I write memos, I write reports, I give orders. The memos are ignored, the reports go unread, the orders are defied. And so I create more memos, more reports, more orders. What a mistake it was to abandon this grave and solemn old place. Lumos!
As the light comes up (still the left side of the stage only) SNAPE sees how his grave and solemn old cellar has been completely transformed by Amy. Instead of the somber iron-gray and black tones of old, the dungeon is now painted in bold and sunny yellows, reds, and greens. On the side of one wall is a mural depicting an impossibly-noble-and-wise-looking Snape stirring a cauldron as a group of bright-eyed eager students look on. SNAPE studies the mural intently
That's exactly what I used to do here - I taught! The students - maybe they were never that attentive - but they should have been! If they had been, we wouldn't be in this mess - did they ever mess things all up! They messed it up so bad that they want me to rescue them!
SNAPE laughs heartily at this not particularly amusing irony
But Amy - this must be her doing - perhaps this is how I look seen through her eyes. I won't deny that it's flattering to be held in such regard by a woman like her: so accomplished - so beautiful - so loyal - I can't - I shouldn't be seeking out ulterior motives in her actions, but what if she did harbor feelings for me - oh, that's ridiculous, I must be in more desperate straits than I though - but if she did, that would redeem the thousand miseries I now suffer ….
The right side of the stage is suddenly illuminated with dim light -AMY, dressed in a highly revealing negligee and six-inch heels, removes her Invisibility Cloak. She is stirring over a cauldron on a potion of uncommon complexity. Her familiars are all curled up in a corner, huddled together, sound asleep.
AMY (to herself): Snape? Here at last? Good. He's so lost in thought that he has yet to discern my presence …..
Twin Soliloquies (Wonder How It'd Feel - to the tune of the same name)
SNAPE (unaware of AMY's presence):
AMY:
SNAPE:
AMY:
SNAPE:
AMY:
SNAPE suddenly becomes aware of AMY'S presence. She feigns surprise.
SNAPE: Professor Sumeria!
AMY: Headmaster! What a surprise! What delivers you here at so late an hour?
SNAPE: I'm quite sorry - I did not mean to disturb you. I couldn't sleep, I thought visiting my old dungeon might help. I didn't expect to find anyone here. (pause) Your bluebird arrived at an auspicious moment - I was feeling slightly discouraged. I greatly appreciate your support, Professor - it means more to me than you could ever imagine.
AMY: Thank you, but what I wrote is no more than the simple truth. Now tell me, truthfully, how do you like it? (SNAPE eyes her negligee) Your no longer dingy dungeon, I mean.
SNAPE (not quite sure how to answer): It definitely shows a woman's touch. I'm very complimented by the mural - your work, I take it?
AMY: The artist's brush, I'm afraid, is another of the many talents with which I am afflicted. I painted this mural with a little inspiration from my sixth-years. They were telling me about how much they learned in their previous years from you, so I thought it might be an stimulating reminder to them, as well as to the younger students.
SNAPE (indicating the cauldron): I see you're preparing for tomorrow's class.
AMY: Yes, for my first-year, the innocent little dears. I've already whipped up a Vanishing Potion for tomorrow, and I'm trying to get this batch of Prestidigitation Potion finished.
SNAPE (surprised): But those are both highly advanced Potions, usually only taught to sixth and seventh years. You're teaching these to your First-Years?
AMY: Why, yes, I've just been following your curriculum and game plan, and we've just whipped through everything up to the O.W.L.s So don't give me the credit - it's all your doing, this creation of so ideal a learning environment.
SNAPE (aside): Then I was right after all! My Educational Decrees can work, as long as I have capable and loyal staff to enact them. (to AMY): That's very impressive, Ms. Sumeria: I only wish we had more faculty with your talent and dedication.
AMY (laughing nervously): I'm afraid you're going to withdraw your praises when you see what a mess I've made of this Prestidigitation Potion. It requires, of course, the wings from the Adalia decempunctata, but the only thing that I could find in the storerooms that came close was the Adalia bipunctata - but it's not working at all - I feel so incompetent - I hope you won't think you've made an error in hiring me….
SNAPE: No, of course not…..the problem is all my doing. I forgot to inform you that I've long kept some of my more arcane ingredients safely locked away. I had so many problems over the years, what with scar-headed students and liberated house-elves and cleverly-disguised Death Eaters sneaking in to steal supplies, that I was finally compelled to strengthen my security measures. It's all kept in a secret compartment behind the blackboard. Alohamora!
The secret compartment swings open, revealing shelf after well-organized shelf of magic ingredients
And quite fortunately, I had just ordered a fresh supply of decempunctata just before I moved out of this dungeon.
SNAPE Accio's the container of Adalia decempunctata wings, and gives it to AMY. She adds it to the brew, and begins stirring.
AMY: Yes, thank you, Headmaster - I think I can say with no false modesty that my skill in potions is superior to most - and yet I feel so like a First-Year in your presence, a timorous student who has yet to learn the meaning of aconite - oh, dear, the brew is really thickening now, it's becoming quite difficult to stir.
SNAPE: Allow me to assist you…
AMY: Please do.
SNAPE comes up behind Amy, and, reaching around her, puts his arms around either side of her to grasp the stirrer. During the ensuing silence, a great degree of sexual tension rises between the pair
SNAPE: A very attractive outfit, Ms. Sumeria - it flatters you.
AMY: As you flatter me - yes, it's one I first wore back in the days when I modeled for Victoria's Chamber of Secrets. I always seem to do better when I wear it - better in potion-making, I mean.
SNAPE (whispering in AMY'S ear): It seems your brew is now achieving its correct consistency.
AMY (close enough to SNAPE that she could kiss him): I can see the difference that the decempunctata makes in the potion - oh, what a horrible odor, it's almost unbearable!
SNAPE (stepping back): The potion is completely odourless, Professor Sumeria.
AMY: Oh, of course, I knew that, then what is…..? (suddenly realizing) - oh, Headmaster, please forgive me, I didn't really mean….
SNAPE (curtly): If you'll excuse me, Professor, I've taken up too much of your time already. I must be on my way.
Exit SNAPE, totally humiliated
AMY: Damn! Sure put my foot in it that time….hmm, OK, so now what?
SCENE EIGHT: The Headmaster's Office, a few moments later. SNAPE paces furiously, before the portraits of DUMBLEDORE and NIGELLUS.
SNAPE: "Oh, what a horrible odor", she said, "it's almost unbearable!" She finds me loathsome, repulsive - unhygienic. Why didn't anyone ever tell me?
DUMBLEDORE: Why, I did, Severus, several times weekly, both in person and in writing. Remember how I always used to hold my nose when you entered my office? It's just that you never listened.
SNAPE (looking at himself in a full-length mirror): Look at me - sallow skin, greasy hair, oily complexion - no wonder she thinks me horrible.
NIGELLUS: “I, that am rudely stamped, and want love's majesty to strut before the wanton ambling nymph....”
SNAPE: Nymphadora Tonks? Don't make me laugh. No - I'm talking about Amy - Professor Sumeria - I saw her in the Potions dungeon just now - she inadvertently let slip mention of my uncongenial stench…
NIGELLUS: Since when are you in the habit of caring what other people think of your hygiene? You've ignored them for 36 years. (pause) Hmmm - I've believed I've just answered my own question.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus, she's one of your staff.
NIGELLUS: You should be thanking your lucky stars she finds you repulsive. Even in my day and age, bonking the hired help was a surefire recipe for disaster. In your era of all-encompassing political correctness, the potential for catastrophe is even greater….
SNAPE: I know, I know, given the high stakes involved, and that it's necesary for me to maintain the highest possible ethical standards, the question then becomes - can I get away with it? What is that pledge of your again?
NIGELLUS (sighing in disgust): That we are honor-bound to assist the incumbent Headmaster in any way we can, short of blatant illegality.
DUMBLEDORE: Including, unfortunately, grossly stupid and ill-advised things, as long as they fall within the compass of the law. And as the law currently states, romantic liaisons between employees of unequal rank, while not explicitly prohibited, are vaguely discouraged. It's been my experience that such affairs, no matter how innocent in intent, cannot help but have a calamitous effect on overall employee morale. Did I ever tell you about the time when Dolores Umbridge and Argus Filch……
SNAPE: Never mind that - to the two of you I confess - I'm in love with Amy Sumeria. For the first time in my life, I am in love. I've known it since she first walked in this office, if I'm honest with myself about it. I know it's a gray area, getting romantically involved with an employee . Plan A: She rejects me, fine: we'll just continue as if nothing happened. Plan B: She accepts me - great! we'll just keep it discreet - keep it under wraps - be professional about it - no one will suspect a thing. So tell me, what must I do to win her love?
BOTH: Take a bath!
SNAPE: What a repulsive concept - but I suppose you're right - women - so I've been told - are attracted to that fragrance sort of thing. I have no choice - I've got to give this my best shot.
I'm Gonna Wash That Grease Right Outta My Hair (to the tune of I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair)
SNAPE conjures up a giant-sized cauldron, and begins a ritual of long-neglected toiletries. As the music begins, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS Embody themselves (i.e., emerge from their frames in three-dimensional form)
SNAPE (music)
I'm gonna boil that oil right off of my face
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
During the instrumental bridge, the three Headmasters slice, dice and carve up a variety of odd ingredients for the cauldron, including, finally, a kitchen sink. NIGELLUS and DUMBLEDORE then pick up SNAPE, toss him in the cauldron, and hold him under.
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
THE TWO HEADMASTERS pull SNAPE from the cauldron, soaking wet and sputtering for breath
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
And a totally new SNAPE emerges: his hair is as short as a Marine recruit, his complexion is immaculate, his dentures dazzle, his robes blaze scarlet. His transformation makes him, of course, look totally ridiculous.
SNAPE (hesitantly): Well - what do you think?
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS make heroic efforts to keep themselves from breaking into convulsive laughter
DUMBLEDORE (diplomatically): Astonishing….truly astonishing…..indeed….
NIGELLUS: (unsuccessfully trying to stifle his laughter): Well, I must concede that my eyes no longer water in your presence…
SNAPE, suddenly realizing that the late Headmasters are standing alongside him, is nonplussed by their manifestation
SNAPE: How can you….appear like that?
The two Headmasters vanish and reappear in their frames. They now have their laughing fits mostly under control, with only an occasional giggle or two now being emitted
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, it's nothing…..just a little knack some of us have acquired.
NIGELLUS: It's called "Embodying" - a spell that Dumbledore invented just before he “crossed over"...
DUMBLEDORE: Spending all eternity attached to a 48” by 60” canvas seemed a rather tedious prospect to me. But thanks to my “Embodying” Spell, we can manifest ourselves in three-dimensional form for brief periods of time.
SNAPE: I thought you weren't supposed to be fully realized….that all you can do is to repeat catchphrases and such...
DUMBLEDORE (as Nigellus snickers): And you're absolutely correct about that, Severus. That's all we ever do….
NIGELLUS (imitating a parrot): Pretty boy! Pretty boy! Aaaccck!!
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS again break into convulsive laughter. NIGELLUS' head disappears from his frame, and for several moments all we see of him are his legs kicking the air
SNAPE: For elder statesman, you two can get awfully juvenile at times. (eyeing himself suspiciously in the full-length mirror): Well….so you think I look OK? No - not at all - scarlet just isn't my color……
SNAPE waves his wand, changing his robes' hue
Perhaps these vermillion tones will suit me better….
DUMBLEDORE: Turning over a new tonsorial leaf is something every man should do once in a while - this was before your time, Severus, but I myself went beardless from 1953 to 1955, and restricted myself to sable hues. So, just ignore the jibes and the inevitable ridicule, the merciless laughter that is sure to follow in your wake ….
AMY enters abruptly, with a clothespin over her nose and a plate of freshly-baked cookies, accompanied by her familiars. At the sight of SNAPE, the familiars all break into the same cascasde of manic laughter that DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS just experienced.
AMY (to the familiars, harshly): Sit! Stay!
The familiars fall silent immediately, cluster together to one side of the room, and remain quiet and still for the remainder of the scene.
AMY: I do hope you'll forgive me, Headmaster - me and my hyper-developed olfactory senses - I didn't mean to be rude - there's no one I respect more profoundly than you…..
AMY now catches sight of SNAPE - she is so startled, she drops the plate
SNAPE: Thank you, Amy - it's very thoughtful of you.
SNAPE Accio's the cookies back on the plate and onto the table
AMY: You underwent this radiant transformation - for me?
SNAPE (stammering): T-t-turning over a new t-t-t-tonsorial leaf is s-something every m-man should do once in a while -
AMY: But why tonight - it wasn't our little encounter this evening, was it?
SNAPE: I value your support - I don't want you to regard me in any way as - objectionable.
AMY (removing the clothespin): Your startling transformation brings to my lips what has been locked inside my heart - dare I give it utterance? - oh, what the fuck, I throw timorous caution to the south winds. Headmaster, I love you! I felt it from the moment I set foot in this office, and set eyes upon your callow yet noble visage. I love you! I love you! Oh, you must think me a little fool…
SNAPE: No, of course not - I, too….I love you, Professor Sumeria…
AMY: Oh, Headmaster…. I feel like a dreamy-eyed schoolgirl again - for the second time this evening….
They embrace and passionately kiss. The two portraits slap their foreheads.
SNAPE: Will you dine with me - tomorrow evening, Professor?
AMY: I think I can pencil you in, Headmaster. Where….?
SNAPE: A favorite alcove of my own - I've never shared it with anyone. Meet me here tomorrow at 6 p.m. and I'll take you there.
AMY: The merciless clock will drag itself snail-like anticipating the hour. Until then, my beloved…(to her familiars) Free!
Exit AMY, accompanied by her familiars
NIGELLUS: The quality of your dialogue plummets precipitously when that woman is the room, Severus.
DUMBLEDORE: Were I capable of more complex verbal utterance, I might have characterized your colloquy as consisting largely of "catchphrases" and the like.
SNAPE: It's true that the state of being in love does tend to multiply one's use of the cliché. But - you cannot deny it - at long last, I am in love - and I am loved in return! Did you mark it? - She said she loved me - loved me.
NIGELLUS: This is going to be worse than I thought.
SNAPE (trying not to smile): Good evening, gentleman…we shall discuss of this further…..
SNAPE leaps in the air triumphantly, pumping his right fist skywards.
Yes!
Exit SNAPE
SCENE NINE: A forbidding precipice in the Forbidden Forest, a rocky and desolate crag, jutting out from a towering hilltop. A howling wind blows throughout the scene, with flashes of lightning and ominous storm clouds in the background. SNAPE and AMY are laying out an incongruously cheerful-looking picnic dinner, complete with the traditional basket and brightly-colored blanket. AMY'S familiars cower under a nearby tree, nervously eyeing the Acromantulas and giant serpents rustling in the background
SNAPE (reverently, looking out over the landscape): I always feel renewed - when I'm here…..
AMY: It's wonderful, Headmaster - it's so - romantic…..
SNAPE: It's my favorite spot on earth - I often come here when I need to brood Byronically over the intolerable imperfections of humanity and the implacable injustices of fate - or if I just need some alone time……I've never bought anyone here before….. before you…..
AMY: I still can't get over your striking new appearance. To think that you underwent this transformation - this transfiguration, really - just for me. I do hope you weren't put off by all the giggling and pointing and laughing behind your back that went on today. Professor Tonks' remarks struck me as being especially cruel.
SNAPE (snarling at first, then relenting): What did that miserable…..put off by it, no of course not. To be honest, I barely took note of what happened today, so much was I looking forward to this evening.
AMY (gazing across the terrain): How much of your morose yet sensitive spirit I seem to sense - have a peanut-butter sandwich - here among these remote peaks and crevices - and do try some of my potato pancakes, will you?
SNAPE: Remote, Professor Sumeria, but not - inaccessible. Not to one such as you.
AMY draws very close to SNAPE, looking him directly in the eye
AMY: I've often wondered what you truly think of me- oh, I know you deeply respect me as a fellow practitioner of the arts of Potion Making, and do me honor as member of your faculty - but, Headmaster, do you truly appreciate that I am a woman?- a woman, Headmaster - with all of the strengths and powers and frailties that being a woman implies….
SNAPE (dumbstruck): Of course, I appreciate, I mean, that, you know…..
AMY: What is it you're saying, Headmaster?
SNAPE (nervous, withdrawing): It's been a very lonely - that is, I mean, the potato pancakes are very good.
AMY (seductive, advancing): Thank you, Headmaster, it's very kind of you to say so. But you were saying something regarding loneliness?
SNAPE (pulling himself together): Loneliness is not something I fear, Professor. I don't mind loneliness - or solitude - or at least I didn't - it's just that I never expected I would encounter so kindred a spirit along life's journey….
AMY:….one with whom one might brood together, hurling mute imprecations upon the ministers of our misfortune….Oh, Headmaster, in some ways, we're such opposites - there is so much darkness and anger in your soul, and such sweetness and light in mine - and yet I feel there is a bond between us - both of us misunderstood, both of us opposed for our virtues and talents rather than for our shortcomings….
SNAPE: You sense my anger - and please, call me Severus - you're right, it's such an important part of who I am…..
Anger is Big Time (to the tune of Younger Than Springtime)
SNAPE:
Anger is big time, for me
And when the girls
SNAPE & AMY (joining hands)
Then anger at their crime, have I/he'll try
SNAPE (spoken, leaning in): I've never met a woman who has understood me so - as you do, Professor Sumeria….
AMY (likewise leaning forward): Please call me Amy…..
SNAPE: Perhaps I am being a foolish old man, but - I am deeply attracted to you, Amy.
AMY: As a woman, Severus?
SNAPE: As a potion-maker - a kindred spirit - and, my dearest Amy, as the most beautiful and magnificent woman I've ever been privileged to meet…….
AMY kisses him in a long and erotic embrace
AMY: Have you ever- known women before me - oh, of course you have, I just…
SNAPE: When I was with the Death Eaters, I had several - uh- lovers. They were harsh, pitiless, rapacious women - not sweet and gentle and feminine like you.
AMY fires her wand- a giant serpent slithering towards her familiars falls out of the tree
It's been years, Amy, not since I left the Death Eaters. I've been cloistered away in Hogwarts ever since.
AMY: Severus, oh my love…you were saved from the Death Eaters, and then you saved yourself for me. Oh, if only I didn't have all this peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth….
SNAPE: My dearest Amy….
SNAPE reaches to kiss her again
AMY (vehemently pulling back): Stop! Don't touch me!
AMY begins sobbing uncontrollably. SNAPE, in the time-honored tradition of the male suitor, looks utterly helpless and confused
SNAPE: Professor Sumeria - Amy - I'm deeply sorry - please accept my apologies - I didn't mean to….what did I…..is there anything I can….?
Still sobbing passionately, AMY throws her arms around SNAPE, burying her head in his shoulders. SNAPE awkwardly puts his arms around her.
AMY: No, you didn't do anything wrong. It's me! Do you know - have you the faintest inkling - what I've been through? I've been hurt, Severus! So deeply hurt! I once gave my heart to another - my young innocent heart - and he betrayed me! (pause) Then I gave it again - and got betrayed again! How many times can that happen to a woman before she stops trusting - before she's too afraid to ever love again?
SNAPE starts to say something - she abruptly stops sobbing AMY: Rhetorical question - don't answer! (pause, drying her tears) As you can see, I'm very high-maintenance.
SNAPE (awkwardly): I'm sorry, Amy, that you've been hurt - if only there were some way I could prove my love to you will be true and undying….
AMY abruptly whips out a tall flask from the picnic basket
AMY (brisk and businesslike): Oh, there is a way. The Isolde Potion. I just happen to have a flask of it right here.
SNAPE, although he is an erstwhile practitioner of the Dark Arts and a veteran who has battled legions of the most ferocious Death Eaters, is nevertheless shaken to the very core of his being.
SNAPE (shocked): The Isolde Potion - the most potent love potion ever known - its use has been prohibited for centuries - its very formula has been erased, it's not recorded anywhere, not even in our library's Restricted Section.
AMY dramatically brandishes the flask before SNAPE
AMY: I'm a direct descendent of Isolde, and this formula has been secretly handed down for generations in our family - this is the last remaining batch, brewed by Isolde herself just before she gave herself to the Knight Tristan. If you want to prove your love to me, Severus - here's how. We can be eternally bound together in indissoluble bonds of love and death - either that, or you can find yourself some other babe, Mister.
SNAPE: I don't know - I want you so, Amy, and yet…the potentially lethal effects of the…the possible repercussions - the irrevocable nature of the….
AMY (sobbing hysterically) I know, I know, you're afraid of commitment, a typical man. I should never have come up here!
SNAPE (steeling himself): No, Amy, don't. I love you - and I'll prove it. Fill the goblets.
Trembling, AMY opens the flask. She takes out two crystal goblets and fills them both with the contents of the flask.
AMY: You'll never regret this, Severus - I'll make you the happiest man who's ever lived - just as you've already made me the happiest woman.
AMY hands one of the goblets to SNAPE
AMY: But remember, Severus - once we drink the Isolde potion, it means that neither of us can exist apart from the other. We can be safely apart only as long as there is no barrier to our reunion. In the event of your death or our permanent separation, I am doomed to waste away and perish within a fortnight.
SNAPE: And I, likewise, am doomed to waste away and perish within a fortnight in the event of your death or our permanent separation.
AMY: Are you absolutely certain you go through with this?
SNAPE: I now realize how hollow my life has been- without the woman I love at my side.
AMY (brandishing the flasks): On the count of three, looking deep into the eyes of the beloved, we drink this intoxicating mixture - and our hearts - our very souls - will be forever united - in both love - and death…..
SNAPE: You will be the eternal object of my love.
AMY: Just as I will be of yours - bonds that can only be broken by death itself…on the count of three.
AMY and SNAPE raise their goblets
AMY & SNAPE: One - Two - Three.
AMY and SNAPE are both thrown to the ground by the powerful force of the Isolde Potion. For several moments, neither stirs. Once he regains himself, SNAPE raises AMY to him, and takes her confidently in his arms, kissing her ardently, literally sweeping her off her feet. He lowers her gently onto the blanket, and begins to disrobe her. A passing cloud covers the moon, bathing the scene in darkness.
AMY (from the darkness): "Sink down upon us, night of love, make me forget I live. Free us of its burdens, unchain us from this world."
SNAPE (from the darkness): “O endless night, sweet night! Glorious, exalted night of love! Those whom you embrace, on whom you smile, how could they ever awaken from you without dismay? Now banish fear, sweet death, ardently desired death in love! In your arms, devoted to you, ever-sacred glow, freed from the need to wake.”
AMY & SNAPE (from the darkness): “No names, no parting, newly perceived, newly kindled, ever unendingly, one consciousness, supreme joy of love glowing in our breast.”
Much heavy breathing for the next several minutes.
AMY (from the darkness): Oh, Severus, take me…..oh, I'm now yours, forever! Oh. please could you move that pitcher of Kool-Aid a little to the left before you spill it …….
We're Both at Home (to the tune of The Girl Back Home)
SNAPE
AMY:
Our whole array
SNAPE
AMY
SNAPE & AMY
Our whole array
With billywig stings
SNAPE ladles out some of the potion into AMY'S goblet - she savors its odor and then takes a sip.
AMY (radiantly): Oh, Severus, you've done it! This brew perfectly mimics the taste of a 1919 Château Lafite Rothschild. It will go so well with the candlelight dinner I'm going to prepare for you tonight - (seductively) you've never really had an MRE until you've tasted one of mine……
AMY embraces SNAPE warmly. He does not reciprocate
Oh, Severus, I've been so happy these last few months. You're everything I ever dreamed of - and more. (pause) Are you happy, too, sweetums?
SNAPE: Oh, yes, yes, I am - for the most part.
AMY: For the most part? Severus, there's something wrong, isn't there?
SNAPE (turning away): No, it's nothing really.
AMY (whose baby-talking is far more grotesque than Bellatrix's): Now, didn't we promise we would never keep secrets from each other, Sevvy Poo? You can tell your red hot Potion mama, can't you now? Hot Potion mama wants to know what bothers her big daddy Sevvikins…
SNAPE (wincing at the nicknames, taking out a newspaper from his robe): OK, OK, it's just this article in yesterday's Prophet.
AMY (in her normal voice, reading): "DURMSTRANG UNVEILS EXPANDED FACILITIES - Durmstrang Headmaster Igor Karkaroff today toured a visiting delegation of British parents through the newly expanded Durmstrang campus, proving to their satisfaction that his school was well-prepared to accommodate the expected influx of hundreds of former Hogwarts students. Karkaroff also announced the hiring of several former Hogwarts faculty members, putting fears of overcrowded classrooms led by under-qualified personnel to rest. The delegation was especially delighted by the lavish repast provided by Durmstrang's well-trained armada of enslaved house-elves. 'Eat as much as you like,' Karkaroff repeatedly urged his visitors, 'we've charmed away all of the calories.' Durmstrang's sprawling new weather-proof Quidditch field also elicited the admiration of all visitors. 'We'll create as many new teams as necessary to oblige the needs of our new students,' Karkaroff promised the parents.
"After the delegation departed, the Durmstrang Headmaster asked this reporter about recent happenings at Hogwarts, especially with respect to its new Headmaster Severus Snape. Her in-depth account, however, was interrupted several times by fits of uncontrollable giggling on Karkaroff's part, which he attributed to the after-effects of a 'Chuckling Hex' cast on him by Beauxbatons Headmistress Fleur Delacour ('angry that a significantly fewer number of Hogwarts students transferred to her school'). When he was shown a recent photograph of Hogwarts' embattled Headmaster, the effects of the hex hit him with such power that he was forced to conclude our….Continued on A-12."
SNAPE: Don't continue. Just the thought of that miserable hyena scavenging around our refuse heaps nauseates me. "Chuckling Hex," my ass! The man's rejoicing in my hardship. He gets to gloat simply because he's willing to relax his standards as others - namely, me - are raising theirs.
AMY: That's right, Severus.
SNAPE: When I served as a double agent in the Second War, Voldemort wanted to get him immediately. Voldemort always said that murder was too good for Karkaroff. "When I find him," he used to say, "I'm going to permanently transfigure him into a head louse." "No, Potter has to be our top priority," I said, "after we get Potter, we'll have plenty of time to go after the others." And that frigging Dark Lord idiot took my advice! If it wasn't for me, that scumbag would be enjoying a meal on top of Viktor Krum's scalp right now. And this is the thanks I get! (pause - with wistful regretfulness) And Voldemort couldn't even manage to get Potter….
AMY (indulgently): Oh, Severus, you get yourself all worked over nothing sometimes. So what if Karkaroff manages a lure a few of our students - or a few hundred even - remember, Hogwarts is all about quality, not quantity. So what if most of our students never came back after the Christmas holidays? So what if we only have a few hundred - or maybe less than hundred - students left? The key thing is that those who remain are top caliber - they're absorbing knowledge like sponges. So what if most of the faculty have abandoned you? Aren't I around to take up the slack?
SNAPE: That's true Amy - I'm grateful that you're not only teaching Potions, but also Herbology, Runes, Muggle Studies, Care of Magic Creatures, Arithmancy, Astronomy, Flying and History of Magic as well.
AMY: Not to mention all the new courses I've added: History of Magical Literature, History of Magical Poetry, Magical Art Appreciation, Magic Realism, Magic Theatre, Magical Sociology, Magical Home Economics, Magical Needlepoint as well as Choir/Toad-Handling. Do you see me complaining about my additional work responsibilities? No, I'm proud to be part of your team! And just remember - after only a few months, all of my students are performing at OWL and NEWT levels. That's solely because I've been following your educational guidelines.
SNAPE (taking Amy in his arms): If only the rest of my staff had your talent and dedication. You know how quick my critics are to seize upon and carp over every little problem.
AMY: Just forget about them, Severus. Focus on the Governors - all you have to do is prove that your Educational Decrees have elevated Hogwarts' academic standards. Lots of people are threatened by change, that's all. All these departing faculty and staff are simply an indication that we're moving in the right direction. Just remember: the man in the arena….the Governors are certain to grant their approval, then the story will end, and we'll live happily ever after!
SNAPE (his gloom seeming to abate): You're right, Amy - you always keep me focused - you keep me going in the right direction.
AMY (without enthusiasm): And we still have four faculty left - Tonks, Weasley, Flint and Lovegood. Poor dears, I suppose they're still here because no one else will hire them.
SNAPE: They're so incompetent compared to you. Their students don't progress by leaps and bounds the way that yours do. Their students are merely puttering along at age-level - their seventh-years are merely struggling to master their NEWTS, instead of having accelerated far beyond the requirements.
AMY (disrobing): All I can say - some of us have the knack - and some of us don't. (lasciviously) Sevvy, you make me so hot! How about a quickie - take me right here on the floor, I don't care how cold and drafty it is, I'll heat things up soon enough….
SNAPE (laughing, preparing to disrobe): That would make it or fourth one this morning and it's only - (looking at his watch) - Oh, God! I've completely lost track of time. I had called a faculty meeting this morning at 11 a.m. - almost two hours ago (sullen pause) I suppose they're going to use this as another reason to complain about me.
AMY: Well, you hurry along, Sevvy, I'll be there right behind you.
Exit SNAPE
I think I can salvage the situation….
AMY takes out a memo in the shape of a paper airplane, and waves her wand over it. She re-reads the memo. Satisfied, she exits toward the meeting
SCENE TWO: A Conference Room, adjacent to the Headmaster's Office, a few moments later. Present are the four heads of unit. They all looked exhausted, impatient and angry as they await the tardy SNAPE.
TONKS: How many students do we have left…..?
FLINT: It's either 46 or 47 depending on whether we count Gilbert Nottleberg - his mother agreed not to withdraw him from Hogwarts after I pleaded with her last week, but then he disappeared this morning. We think he ran away to the Forbidden Forest. He told another student he'd rather face the Acromantulas than have to eat another MRE.
GINNY (with utter exhaustion): I suppose we should organize a search party.
FLINT: We don't need to. Nottleberg can more than take care of himself. He's far more frightening than an Acromantula.
LUNA: We should warn the Acromantulas, then. By the way, where's Binns?
TONKS: He just quit without giving notice - he said he could no longer tolerate Snape showering praise on Sumeria during all our meetings. Who ever knew he noticed what went on around here? (pause) So that leaves just the four of us - and "Little Miss Perfect."
FLINT: How does she do it? She's teaching - what is it now - 15 different classes?
GINNY: Who cares - I'm not keeping tract.
LUNA: How can Snape expect us to keep supervising the Unit clean-ups, and still get any sleep? And with fewer students means that it's harder to keep the Units tidy. Cleaning Unit C with only 11 students kept us up till 2 a.m. last night, with all the scrubbing and polishing that needed to be done.
GINNY: And Snape refuses to let us close down any of the units - it would send out the wrong message, he says. (pause) I'm so exhausted, I don't even laugh at Snape's makeover anymore. Where the hell is he, anyway?
FLINT: Punctuality used to be one of his few virtues - since he's become Headmaster, he's even lost that - (putting his feet up on the table, and covering his face with his hat): Just wake me if he shows up…..
LUNA takes out some sewing and begins to knit
TONKS: Booties? Luna, are you--?
LUNA: No, but I will be in exactly two years, three months, and 17 days, so I might as well get a head start
TONKS: Congratulations - so what's in my future - you getting any readings on me…?
LUNA: No, metamophorgi always cast such inaccurate horoscopes…..Yours says that you died two years ago last May in a freak Occamy attack…..
GINNY: Hey, Tonks, do you have any new impressions? Anything to pass the time?
TONKS: OK, how's this?
TONKS transforms herself into a grotesque caricature of Snape. The other three professors roar with laughter. TONKS moves to the front, as if about to lead the meeting
TONKS (lowering to voice to sound more Snape-like): All right, everyone, listen up! How many of you incompetents and time-servers have given thanks today that you have a brilliant leader like me - Severus Snape! - to guide you? Well, if you haven't, now's the time! Weasley! What do you most appreciate about me?
GINNY: Thanks to your long-overdue dietary reforms, sir, not a single student from Unit A has tried to sneak down into the kitchen after hours all year.
TONKS: See! Obesity and dental problems will soon be things of the past! Weasley understands the good I'm doing - even if no one else does…..
FLINT: I'm pleased to report, sir, that over half the candy stores and prank shops in Hogsmeade have gone out of business, throwing dozens of elderly witches and wizards out of work, thanks to the lack of student visitors….
TONKS: Splendid! Flint, have those empty shops replaced with shrines in my honor…..
LUNA: I'm sorry to report, sir, that a student on my unit seemed to be enjoying herself and said she looked forward to her classes each day.
TONKS: Horrid little miscreant! Ten trillion points from Unit C - and six weeks detention! I'll teach her to enjoy herself at my expense!
Snapey Talk (to the tune of Happy Talk)
TONKS
Look at all the kids quittin' Hogwarts School
Snapey talk, I'm talkin' Snapey talk,
Look at Flint and Tonks, look at that Lovegood
Snapey talk, I'm talkin' Snapey talk,
In my school there's boys and there's also girls
Snapey talk, I'm talkin' Snapey talk,
If you don't have Snapey,
(spoken) Is dumb idea? I like? Of course!
The other Heads of Unit laugh and applaud, until they see SNAPE himself in the doorway. They failed to notice that he entered just as TONKS began her song.
TONKS (deeply embarrassed, taking her seat back): Wotcher, Headmaster.
SNAPE (applauding slowly, with marked sarcasm): Thank you for that splendid performance, Professor Tonks. I am certain you will enjoy an enormous success in the musical theatre following the conclusion of your academic career -an event quite likely to transpire in the immediate future. As of this moment, you are under suspension - and I will terminate your employment on the spot if you dare so much as twist a single metamorphorgic eyelash in my direction during the remainder of the term.
GINNY: If you're going to suspend anyone, Headmaster, suspend me - I'm the one who put her up to it.
LUNA: No, she's lying - I did---
TONKS: No, Ginny, Luna, you can't take the blame.
FLINT: They're all lying - it was me - and Headmaster, with all due respect, none of this would have happened if you had started this meeting on time - you've kept us waiting two hours, you're not the least bit apologetic over wasting all of our valuable time, and furthermore, you've not given us the slightest sign of regard or respect since becoming Headmaster, and moreover, you're not being the least bit nice about it---
SNAPE (poisonously): I see that so trifling an inconvenience is more effective than Veritaserum in extracting the truth from you - all four of you can consider yourselves under suspension for insubordination---
Enter AMY, bearing a plate
AMY (brightly): Hi, everyone, I hope I'm not late - I bought a big batch of my special cookies, an old recipe I learned from the house-elves.
GINNY (acidly): You're two hours and five minutes late, Professor Sumeria - five minutes behind our beloved Headmaster….
AMY (producing a folded paper airplane): No, I'm quite sure the memo - yes, it says Staff Meeting, today at 1 p.m. So I'm just a few minutes late, please forgive me. Did I miss anything important?
Everyone, even SNAPE looks surprised - suspiciously, the other faculty members take out their memos, and re-read them
TONKS: It says 1 o'clock p.m., not 11 a.m. But that's not what it said before---
GINNY: I swear it said 11 a.m.……
FLINT: How could we all make the same mistake?
SNAPE (seizing the moment): It appears that our Heads of Unit, along with all their other multiple shortcomings, are unable to keep an accurate calendar. However, the suspension will remain in ---
AMY: Suspensions? What suspensions?
Momentary silence
LUNA: The Headmaster has just suspended all four heads of unit for insubordination.
AMY (passing the plate of cookies, speaking as if to a group of children): Now, just let's everyone have a cookie, and we'll try to settle this. I'm sure this is all just a big misunderstanding - we can't have all four Heads of Unit on suspension at the same time, can we? Now, Sevvy Poo - why have they been - Headmaster, I mean - suspended?
SNAPE (realizing that he is sounding distressing petty as he explains): Professor Tonks transformed herself into me, and sang a scurrilous song deriding my character.
AMY (laughing brightly): Oh, Severus - Headmaster - they only tease you because they're so fond of you now! I've heard Professor Tonks speak highly of you on so many occasions, haven't you, Professor Tonks?
TONKS: That's a load of---
LUNA yanks on TONKS' robe, motioning her to stay silent
AMY: Now, we're all feeling a little short-tempered because of this silly misunderstanding over the time for the meeting. Now, none of us wants to do anything rash as a result of some silly little error that any one of us could make, do we?
Sullen silence
AMY (undeterred): Of course not! So, Headmaster, can't you give Professor Tonks one more chance?
SNAPE (seething): Professor Tonks will not be suspended - nor will the other Heads of Unit---
No one seems especially happy about this, except AMY
AMY: Oh, thank you, Daddy Sevvikins - Oh, look, no one's touched my cookies - I mean Headmaster - I know, it's not the cookies, it's just that we're all feeling a little grumpy right now - certainly too grumpy to meet just now - so why don't we cancel today's meeting and reschedule, shall we?
SNAPE (wanting to get through this as quickly as possible): We'll-reschedule-for-11a.m.-Tuesday-morning-if-there-are-no-objections-good-meeting-adjourned.
SNAPE starts heading rapidly for the door, but not before AMY calls after him
AMY: Headmaster, could you see me in my dungeon tonight? I'm having a problem with my Scintillating Solution.
SNAPE (hurriedly, on his way out): Yes, of course.
Exit SNAPE. AMY's demeanor turns subtly mocking
AMY: We'll, I got you out of that little scrape quite nicely, didn't I, Nymphodora?
TONKS approaches AMY slowly till she is looking eye to eye at her
TONKS (barely above a whisper, with deadly venom): Don't ever call me that again.
AMY (a bit too quickly): I though we could be on a first-name basis, collegial camaraderie and all that, you know, I thought we were all friends….
TONKS (as before): You are not my friend. Now, get out - before I do something that really merits a suspension…
AMY (haughtily): When you're over your little fit, Professor, I'll be happy to accept your apologies….Bye for now.
Exit AMY, theatrically Accio'ing her plate of cookies with her. Silence of several seconds
GINNY: I don't know what feels worse: getting suspended by Snape or getting unsuspended by her…
LUNA (with disgust) "Daddy Sevvikins…."?
FLINT: We all knew that memo said 11 a.m. - it was magically altered somehow….they're supposed to be tamper-proof…who did it? - Snape? Or her?
TONKS: It was her - I know it - Snape looked guilty as hell when he slunk in here - he knew he was late-
GINNY: And speaking of guilty, we all know what's going on between Snape and that horrible woman - I've been trying to ignore it, I truly don't care what they do in their personal time, but I expect them to be discreet about it -and now they're flaunting it right in our faces.
LUNA: It stinks - something really stinks here……I'm not ordinarily a suspicious person, but I sense something deeply wrong about that woman.
FLINT: It's time we started doing a little research on our friend..
GINNY: There's only one place where we can properly discuss this…you all know where I mean?…let's all do a little investigating, and well there tomorrow tonight - 9 p.m - OK?
All nod in agreement, and exit
SCENE THREE: The Hog's Head - a large Saturday night crowd in attendance. Aberforth Dumbledore retired many years ago, and the new proprietor has upgraded the establishment, but not very much. A small stage has been set up, for three musicians who are playing piano, bass, & drums. A sign before the stage reads "TONIGHT - DRACO IMPERSONATOR NIGHT - 9 PM TO MIDNIGHT.". The Four Heads of Unit are seated around a small table in the corner. Seated at the other end of the inn, alongside the bar, is a huge hulking figure completely veiled. He remains motionless till the end of the scene. At the other end of the bar is another veiled figure, obviously feminine, surrounded by various veiled animal forms. This figure takes extensive notes throughout the scene.
The first in a series of Draco impersonators makes his way to the stage. He is an obese middle-aged man, dressed only in a leather thong and a Draco wig. He sings Draco's signature song, which is heard in the background as the Four Heads of Unit discuss their findings. The first impersonator is followed by several other impersonators of various shapes and sizes, none of whom look good in leather thongs or Draco wigs. Each impersonator sings the same song. Desultory applause follows each performance.
Dormiens (to the tune of Dites-Moi)
FIRST DRACO IMPERSONATOR:
Dormiens
TONKS: Are you sure it's safe for us to meet here? Didn't Dumbledore used to say that this is a place "where it is never safe to assume you are not being overheard?"
GINNY: That was just because his brother Aberforth used to tend bar here.
FLINT: And remember, he said that back in the days when Death Eaters were on the prowl. But surely no Death Eaters are going to eavesdrop on us tonight. And Snape's too cheap to pay anyone to spy on us. Besides, with the Draco contest going on, no one's going to pay us any attention.
GINNY: OK, let's get started. What's your read on her, Luna?
LUNA: It's so frustrating - I was trying things all afternoon - the crystal, Tarot cards, fire omens, even - yuck! - bird entrails - it all came up a complete blank. Now, it's not unusual to get erroneous or ambiguous readings on someone - but to draw repeated blanks, that's simply unheard of. That just never happens, not to me, not to anyone. It's almost as if she's surrounded by some kind of anti-Divination force field - or it's as though she doesn't really exist…
GINNY: Tonks, did you get anyone in HR to talk…..?
TONKS: Everyone in HR quit - so I finessed the security code, and pulled up her personnel file - here it is - there's hardly anything in it, and what there is pure BS - it's just like Luna said, either she doesn't exist, or, more likely - she was very careful to completely erase her paper trail - it seems she was hired immediately after her interview with Snape - the big slimeball couldn't be bothered to do a background check on her. Well, I did one of my own…
FLINT: What did you find?
TONKS: Everything she told him was a lie. For example, she claims she was raised in Canada and attended a wizard school in Wollastan on Canada's Victorian Island - well, there's no such school!
LUNA (laughing): Everyone knows there's no magic in Canada!!
GINNY: Everyone except Snape - he still thinks Kappas are Japanese…….
TONKS: She also claims to have worked in a Transylvanian orphanage for werewolf cubs…
GINNY: And Snape believed that….!
TONKS: ….and also said she briefly worked at Beuxbatons - I checked with their HR - they've never heard of her.
FLINT: Nevertheless, she does seem to display exceptional talent in Potions - all the students I've discussed this with have confirmed that she is successfully teaching some highly advanced potions to students well beyond their years. Most of the students all love her - and it seems that the more socially awkward and intellectually inept they were when they first started, the more they improve.
GINNY: Why, that's very touching - it's commendable, really.
FLINT: I suppose so - but she seems to always intervenes in the most staggeringly sentimental, nauseating manner possible…
LUNA: So, what's going on - is she using some kind of Dark Magic…?
FLINT: Well, using some of my old Slytherin contacts, who asked their contacts, who asked their contacts - there's still a fair number of unrepentant Death Eaters and Voldemort supporters out there, you know, in exile - they'd hardly be able to conceal their joy if they had placed one of their agents in so prominent a role, but none of them have any idea who Amy Sumeria is. If I didn't know better, I'd have to go along with Luna - she doesn't really exist!
TONKS: Well, of course she exists! We all agree on that! She's just damn good at covering her tracks and that scares me - who knows what the hell she's up to?
GINNY: Good question, Tonks - good question - who the hell knows…just what has Snape got himself - and the rest of us involved with? She could be some fugitive from justice, a former Death Eater, some old beat-up hag who came across a case of Polyjuice….
TONKS (snickering): That'd serve Snape right.
LUNA: And yet - I'm sure I've never seen her before she came here this term - but in some odd way, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as though I met her before - like I know her from somewhere else.
A brief pause
GINNY: Now that you mention it, I know what you mean - Sumeria does seem oddly familiar.
TONKS: Yeah, it's weird - I have the same sense.
FLINT (concentrating hard): No, I can't say that - she doesn't ring a bell with me at all.
GINNY: OK, we've learned nothing about her background, but it seems pretty clear that she's lied to get herself hired by Snape. According to M.O.M. Employment Law, lying on an application is automatic grounds for dismissal. Next, what do we know for sure about what's going on between her and Snape?
LUNA: They've been spending a lot of time together - especially between 11 p.m and 6 a.m.
GINNY: What does the Hogwarts Code of Ethics have to say? Isn't it illegal for the Headmaster to be carrying on with a faculty member?
FLINT: Technically, it's a gray area, as long as the relationship is consensual. However, the Headmaster is required to inform his immediate superior (in this case, the Governors) and then proceed with a maximum of discretion.
TONKS: So if Snape hasn't informed them….
FLINT: Then he faces penalties ranging from an official reprimand through suspension and even termination.
GINNY: Why would he put himself at such risk? He surely can't be that stupid….
LUNA: Ginny, keep your voice down! Someone could hear us.
GINNY: You worry too much. Look, I could shout it out in front of this entire pub and no one would even notice…
LUNA (mischievously): I double dog dare you.
GINNY: No Weasley has ever backed away from a double dog dare.
Before the next participant in the Draco contest can appear, GINNY makes her way forward, and mounts the stage.
GINNY: Hi everyone! I'm Ginny Weasley, Professor of Charms at Hogwarts, and seated over at that table are three of my colleagues, Professor Lovegood, Professor Flint and Professor Tonks. The four of us were just gossiping about a colleague, Amy Sumeria, the new Potions Mistress, whose shacking up with our Headmaster, and we're all kind of wondering - what the bloody hell is she up to - what's her game…?
Amy's Game (to the tune of Honey Bun)
GINNY
The shame of that dame who we blame
We're thinkin' that she ought to see
She mixes histrionics
She's his baby, he's her Snape!
He's been caught, his excuses are lame
I'll say it plainly!
GINNY leaves the stage, to heavy applause from both the audience and her colleagues
LUNA (laughing): You idiot! - You're going to get us caught!
TONKS (more serious, but still smiling indulgently): We can't be flaunting ourselves like this in public, Ginny!
FLINT (laughing): It's OK, everyone here - including me - is probably too drunk to remember anything you said. (more seriously) So, what's our next move?
GINNY: You remember what Hermione said - she wanted to hear from us if things were going catastrophically wrong, and I think this qualifies.
FLINT: I agree - when we're back at the castle, we'll send an owl and……
With a bored sophisticated look, GINNY produces a cell-phone, and speed- dials the Minister's direct line.
GINNY: Hermione? Hi, it's Ginny (several second pause) Fine - and you? (several second pause) Oh, nothing much - Snape tried to suspend me and the other three heads of house of yesterday, but the babe she's sleeping with - our new Potions Mistress, Miss Amy Sumeria - whose resume appears to consist of nothing but lies - talked her out of it (several second pause) We think it's absolutely disgusting (several second pause) Let me check: is next Monday, 9 a.m OK with everyone?
The other three nod
Hermione, that will be fine - we'll see you then - give George my best! Bye!
TONKS: It's getting late - we better get back to the Castle.
GINNY gives cell-phones with instruction booklets to the other three
GINNY: I got these from Colin. Promise me you'll learn to use them over the weekend.
The Four Heads of Unit make ready to leave. The barkeep approaches GINNY with a small trophy
BARKEEP: Ma'am, we've voted you the winner of the Draco Impersonation Contest tonight, even though you din't wear no leather thong, and the song what you sung warn't one o' his songs.
GINNY (laughing, blushing): Oh, well, thank you. I'm very flattered.
The hulking figure seated at the bar focuses intently on the Four Heads of Unit. He surreptitiously Accios a tiny object into the pocket of FLINT's robes - FLINT does not notice this happening. The figure watches the quartet exit, then begins laughing demonically.
HULKING FIGURE: Barkeep! Refresh my glass!
The veiled feminine figure, not noticing the hulking figure, snaps her notebook shut, and exits with her veiled familiars.
SCENE FOUR: The Faculty Lounge. Enter HERMIONE, who has just arrived to meet with the four Heads of Unit.
GINNY: Thank you for meeting with us as such short notice, Hermione. We wouldn't have called you if the situation wasn't truly critical.
HERMIONE: I can see you're all very upset - please, tell me in your own words what exactly has been going on.
TONKS: Well, Minister - just as we promised you, we really tried to help make Snape's program work. But things keep getting worse and worse.
LUNA: Filch quit last month - he said he could no longer stand seeing the students suffer like this.
FLINT: And even Kreacher was pleading with Snape to go a little easier on the half-bloods.
TONKS: Remember how people used to think that Snape was a vampire? Well, he is! He's sucking all the life out of Hogwarts!
GINNY: And with the latest, that Snape is schlepping Professor Sumeria, along with the fact that she lied about everything about her application.
FLINT: Of course, he couldn't be bothered to check her references - so who knows who or what this woman really is….for all we know, she could be Lord Voldemort's long-lost daughter…
GINNY: I could tolerate even her if I had to - but not another day of Snape. He treats us like an old Slytherin aristocrat treats his house-elves….
We Want Nothing More of Snape (to the tune of There is Nothing Like a Dame)
GINNY: We got lesson plans to plan
TONKS: What else we got?
FLINT: We got empty seats in class
GINNY: From the highest Hogwarts tower to its very deepest dungeon
ALL: We want nothing more of Snape,
We feel hopeless, we feel lost,
FLINT: Here's a petition that has all our names scrawled on…..
ALL: We want nothing more of Snape,
He's the sourest of grapes
TONKS: There is absolutely nothing makes us gape like our Snape.
GINNY: So suppose that Snape's the man
Here's a fact you can't escape
There is no thug worse than Snape,
HERMIONE (sighing remorsefully): I should have known better, Snape is just Snape, and he's never going to change. After I gave you the big sales pitch on him at the Inaugural last fall, he turned right around and slapped me in the face. But I kept hoping it would work out somehow - I figured as long as I didn't hear from you four, maybe The Prophet was just exaggerating things.
LUNA (quoting the old Chudley motto): "Let's just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best."
GINNY: We all agree that appointing Snape has Headmaster was a bone-headed act of the first magnitude, but Hermione, we're not blaming you. You were doing what you though was best - it just turned out to be a mistake..
TONKS: An incredibly dunderheaded, dim-witted, obtuse, moronic, ruinous mistake that anyone could have made. Don't beat yourself up over it.
GINNY: Right - we still love you, Hermione, we just want this problem fixed. So, first off: Snape is screwing Sumeria - can he be fired for that?
HERMIONE: No, Snape did inform me and the Board of Governors about it…
ALL (shocked): What! You knew…!!!!
HERMIONE: Yes, Snape wrote to me a few months ago that he had fallen in love with Professor Sumeria, that she was in love with him, he promised he would keep the whole thing discreet, and that none of you would even notice. So, of course, I couldn't tell any of you - I had to respect his confidentiality. Besides, I figured if anybody could keep such a thing secret it would be Snape. But even though Snape and Sumeria now seem to be flaunting their relationship, there's no legal penalty for that. But the much more serious violation is that he seemingly failed to make the required background check of an applicant. If that proves to be the case, I will have to take disciplinary action. And of course, if it turns out that Prof. Sumeria lied to gain employment here, that would be grounds for immediate termination.
GINNY: Yes! One down, one to go.
FLINT: What "disciplinary action" against Snape you're going to take? I hope it's more than a slap of the wrist.
HERMIONE: It's a first offense, but the Governors have authorized me to investigate and to assign whatever penalties may apply. For a first offense, all he will receive will be the slap, but it allows us to take more consequential action - suspension or even termination - for additional offenses. (pause) It's strange to think of me disciplining Snape.
GINNY: If I were in your place, I would find the prospect highly enjoyable.
TONKS: Even erotic.
HERMIONE: I know I shouldn't be, but I'm still intimidated by Snape at some level - he still makes me feel like some gawky First-Year in his Potions class. But you're right - I've got to confront him on this. Oh, what a mess. I'm going to meet with him and with Prof. Sumeria at 11: 30 today.
GINNY: Do you want any of us with you?
HERMIONE: No, I really need to see them alone. Frankly, though, things don't look good for Snape long term. The Prophet is attacking him every day, hundreds of parents have withdrawn their children from Hogwarts, and he's
alienating what little support he had at the Ministry. Right now, the Governors are resisting pressure to force Snape out - thanks to the "Umbridge precedent," no one wants to take the responsibility of forcing out a Headmaster midterm - but when they do meet at the year's end, they're almost certain to demand his resignation. (pause, sighing). I'm going to suggest to Snape that his only recourse is to resign. If this Sumeria woman is the fraud you say she is, maybe Snape could take his old job back in the dungeon.
TONKS: I'm OK with that, I guess - as long as we deadbolt him in his dungeon each night.
HERMIONE: OK, it seems there's nothing to do now except wait for 11:30.
FLINT: I have to leave now - time for my 9:30 Transfiguration Class - say, Minister, if you're not meeting with Snape till 11:30, would you mind coming down and speaking to my class? They've never heard an incumbent Minister of Magic before. It would be off-topic, but perhaps you could give them a bit of a Civics lesson.
HERMIONE: Sure, I'd be glad to, Professor Flint. That will let me kill a little time before I meet with Snape - get my mind off it for a while.
FLINT: The class ends at 11 a.m., we'll be back with plenty of time to spare.
Exit HERMIONE & FLINT. A moment later, enter AMY and SNAPE, the former looking very smug, the latter indignant and outraged. AMY'S familiars glare at the Heads of Unit, with their teeth (or beaks) bared
AMY: There they are, Severus - just like I said they'd be. (to the three remaining Heads of Unit) I sincerely hope you didn't think you'd get away with this.
SNAPE: What does your little quartet think it's up to? I saw Minister Granger-Weasley escorted out of this room, just moments ago, by Professor Flint. The Minister may think she can fool me with the claim that she's merely making a "surprise inspection." But, thanks to Professor Sumeria I know the truth.
AMY: Didn't notice me at the Hogs Head the other evening, did you, guys? Thanks to my shorthand skills (175 words a minute) I made a complete transcript of what your little conspiracy was plotting.
LUNA (aside to Ginny): I told you we should have kept quiet.
AMY: Severus, I'm so sorry now that I persuaded you not to put them on suspension the other day. Can you ever forgive me?
SNAPE: It's no longer an issue, Amy - such acts of blatant insubordination allow me to immediately terminate their employment right here on the spot.
AMY (producing a massive dossier): I understand that you're planning to tell your friend the Minister that I lied in order to get this job. Everything in my resume can be proved. I have here letters of recommendation, photographs, previous job evaluations, paycheck stubs. I know I'm going to be exonerated.
LUNA (coolly): Knowing things that haven't happened yet falls under my jurisdiction, Professor Sumeria. Why don't you stick to crushing scarabs, dear? (aside. to GINNY) Oops, I did it again - the B-thing.
SNAPE: Lying during an interview may be a serious offense - but so is making defamatory and unfounded accusations against a colleague - not to mention, Professor Tonks, stealing confidential personnel files. Once the Minister is made to realize that your slanders of Professor Sumeria are without basis, I intend to determine if she has grounds for legal action against you.
AMY: We'll how well you losers get along with your cushy Hogwarts income to support you.
GINNY: I don't believe this. Do you think any of us are here because we've nowhere else to go? Luna is married to one of the wealthiest men in the Wizarding World - she doesn't have to work here.
LUNA: Harry hates that I'm still here - he was pleading with me the other day to leave Hogwarts - I hate saying no to him, but this time I had to.
TONKS: Are you aware that the Potter Foundation has already offered us positions? And we've had headhunters owling us from around the globe, offering us teaching positions at some of the top wizarding schools, at more than twice what we're earning now?
GINNY: Oddly enough, we haven't heard from Wollastan - did it burn to the ground recently?
AMY: No, but it was struck by massive earthquake last month, which completely destroyed the school and all of its records. Severus knows I'm telling the truth, don't you Sevvy?
GINNY: And, not that it makes any difference to a psychotic paranoid like you, Headmaster, but we were not being insubordinate. We're very concerned about the direction you're taking Hogwarts and we have every right - in fact we have the duty - to bring our complaints to the appropriate Ministry officials. We've lost over 90% of our students, we've lost veteran faculty, we're not even keeping up with the routine physical maintenance of the buildings and grounds, and you can't even be counted on to show up for staffings anymore because you're too busy screwing the Potions Professor.
Long pause
SNAPE: You're going to be sorry you ever said that, Weasley.
AMY: But why, sweetheart, it's true, you are screwing me - and very deftly, I might add.
AMY kisses SNAPE fervently on the lips. SNAPE tries to pull away.
TONKS: This is too nauseating, I have to leave. We all know what's going on between you, you don't have to fling it in our face.
LUNA: No, Tonks, stay here, we need you. (to SNAPE and AMY) Like Ginny said, we have had complaints and we are within our rights to voice them. Hermione is here to investigate. If our complaints are without basis, than the two of you should have nothing to worry about.
AMY: As if that frizzy-haired bitch is going to give us a fair shake.
SNAPE: That Granger woman always has been and always will be an insufferable know-it-all. Despite her counterfeit protestations of friendship, she'd jump at any opportunity to make me look bad.
GINNY: Listen, Snape - you're unfit to so much as mention her name.
LUNA: That is so unfair. Do you know how you got the position of Headmaster?
TONKS: Yeah, do you think the Governors were saying, "Hmmm, what we need is a former Death Eater, a recluse with the social skills of a rabid rat, a vicious tyrant who is skilled at alienating everyone with whom he comes in contact, and a ungrateful bastard without an ounce of compassion in his soul."? No, that's not what they were saying, Snape - they were going to give the post to Cornelius Fudge, but Hermione, that insufferable know-it-all who hates you so much, she persuaded them, against their better judgment no doubt, to appoint you Headmaster. She thought you had the character and the strength to handle the job - but you sure proved her wrong. I guess no one's ever going to call her a know-it-all again, right, Snape? In case you hadn't noticed, she's risking her political career in advocating for you.
GINNY: And do you know why we haven't left along with all the other faculty? It's because we promised Hermione that we would do everything we could to make you a success. That's why you have only four faculty left, along with your consort. Voldemort himself and a whole army of Death Eaters could have never destroyed Hogwarts as effectively as you. And if you ever have occasion, look into a mirror sometime, and see how absolutely ridiculous you look….
AMY: They're lying, Severus - and we don't need them anyway - I'm fully qualified to teach Charms, Dark Arts Defense, Divination and Transfiguration along with all the other classes I'm teaching. Fire them on the spot, Severus.
SNAPE (enraged, to the Heads of Unit): I will not be----
Enter ELTHELBERT BRISCOE, a timid little first-year boy. He is crying and seems terrified. He carries, with difficulty, a large Pensieve. LUNA & GINNY kneel to speak to him
LUNA: Ethelbert, what's the matter? Why are you crying? What is that thing you're carrying?
ETHELBERT (between sobs): He told me to come here and bring it to you.
GINNY: Who did?
ETHELBERT: The Minister of Magic was talking to our class - and then this big mean man came in -
GINNY (wheeling on Snape): Headmaster, what did you do to this child?
ETHELBERT: No, it wasn't him, it was another mean man - he wore a mask - he said he was taking us all prisoner - he pointed his wand at the Minister's head and said he would kill her first if he didn't get what he wants.
TONKS: Did he tell you his name?
ETHELBERT: He did, but he said we couldn't say it.
AMY: Sounds like a Dark Lord to me. They're always so funny about their names.
LUNA: How did you get away?
ETHELBERT: He let me go - he told me to bring it to you, it has a message in it. Then, he said he was going to seal up the room so no one could get in or out.
SNAPE kneels beside ETHELBERT, and looks deep into his eyes
SNAPE: This child is telling us the truth. There is some intruder who has forced his way into the Transfiguration Classroom - Granger, Flint and the students are in terrible danger - Professor Tonks, head over the Transfiguration classroom and see what you can find out - Amy - Professor Sumeria, take the boy back to his Unit. The rest of us, let's listen to the message -
Exit TONKS, and AMY with ETHELBERT. SNAPE takes the Pensieve
Damn - we should get the MLE out here, but there isn't time.
GINNY, with a bored superior look, takes out her cell phone and speed-dials NEVILLE.
GINNY: Neville, hi - it's Ginny! We have an extremely serious problem here - we have a student here - yes, we do have a few of them left, now stop laughing, this isn't funny - a student who claims that Hermione, Marcus and his classroom were taken hostage….no we don't know who is responsible. But whoever it is had the boy bring over a Pensieve. We think it has a message. OK….OK…..right, we'll see you in the Headmaster's office in about 10 minutes.
GINNY turns back to SNAPE, and speaks with a harsh defensiveness
GINNY: Listen, Snape, I know all about Educational Decree 415, but my sister-in-law and one of my best friends are being held hostage by some maniac - this is no time to get all Luddite with me. We need the MLE here now!
SNAPE (curtly): Thank you for contacting Longbottom, Professor Weasley. What was the gist of his message?
GINNY (taken aback that Snape is acting so reasonably): Neville's going to Floo to your office with all the Aurors he can muster up. He said not to play the Pensieve until he arrives. He'll be here within ten minutes.
SNAPE: Then let all of us go to my office as quickly as possible.
GINNY: Yes, of course, Headmaster - I'll be there directly.
Exit all except GINNY
GINNY: And it was my idea to have Hermione come out here today - if anything happens to her, I'll never forgive myself - or Marcus! What if I never see him again? I've never really told him how I feel and - and now - he might be taken away - forever (pause) I can't focus on that now…let's go to the Headmaster's office……
Exit GINNY
SCENE FIVE: The Headmaster's Office. Present are SNAPE, CRABBE, LUNA, & GINNY. DUMBLEDORE AND NIGELLUS are attentive as well, but give no hint of motion. Enter TONKS, running, out of breath
TONKS: Ethelbert is right. There's an impenetrable invisible shield surrounding the classroom. No way in or out.
SNAPE: Thank you, Professor Tonks. We're still awaiting the arrival of the MLE.
Enter, via the Floo Network, NEVILLE, and several AURORS (including CHO & DEAN THOMAS). When they catch sight of SNAPE, they are all convulsed with laughter, which they try hard to suppress. SNAPE is now sufficiently accustomed to this reaction to be inured to it.
SNAPE (as if by rote): Turning over a new tonsorial leaf is something every man should do once in a while -
NEVILLE (almost having mastered the giggles): Yes, of course, of course, Headmaster. Any further news?
SNAPE: Professor Tonks has verified that the Transfiguration classroom is surrounded by a seemingly impenetrable shield.
NEVILLE: Thomas, if you could head over to Transfiguration and do an analysis…?
THOMAS: Yes, sir, right away.
Exit THOMAS - as soon as he leaves, his uncontrollable laughter rings out and fades in the distance.
SNAPE (scowling): We had better listen to the message.
SNAPE activates the Pensieve to play the memory sent by the hostage-taker. The great hulking figure we've encountered before, is robed in Death-Eater garbs that conceal his face. The angle at which the Pensieve shows him makes him seem huge and menacing. He doesn't seem particularly adept at using the Pensieve.
PENSIEVE HULKING FIGURE: Testing One-Two-Three, Testing One-Two-Three. OK, I think we're ready to go (pause - the FIGURE makes a rather awkward attempt to laugh demonically). Bwah-hah-hah! This message is intended for the Headmaster of Hogwarts. I trust you will convey its contents to the Ministry. No doubt, as you gaze upon my awful visage with apprehension and horror, you are asking yourself, "Who is this fearful prodigy?" You can call me the Heir of Voldemort - my very name is a word you dare not utter, a word striking fear into your miserable hearts whenever it is heard.
VOICE OF BOY ("off-camera"): How can your name strike fear in our hearts, if you won't tell us what it is? Even if somebody said it now, I wouldn't even know that it was supposed to be your name, so how could be afraid of it?
PENSIEVE HULKING FIGURE: Silence! (pause) Hmmm…that's a good point, though (silence for several moments): All right - I'll tell you - but just once! So listen carefully! (pausing melodramatically) I am Lord Gargoyle! The new Dark Lord! The most dire threat ever to your very existence!
SNAPE: The Dim Lord is more like it.
NEVILLE: He-Who-Prefers-Not-To-Be-Named.
PENSIEVE LORD GARGOYLE: Listen, and listen carefully, you in your lofty towers and gleaming offices. You are doomed! Satisfy my non-negotiable demands within the next 24 hours - or I will start killing your hostages…..beginning with your Minister of Magic..
The Pensieve's POV suddenly shifts from LORD GARGOYLE to the classroom. Due to The Dim Lord's inept presentation skills, everyone was starting to regard this as a joke - but they suddenly realize that they have a genuine crisis on their hands. HERMIONE, blindfolded is bound to a chair -FLINT also bound and blindfolded is sitting on the floor with about 20 very frightened boys, all huddled closely around him. The effect of this image on the group in SNAPE's office is electrifying. Everyone gasps, even SNAPE.
Such Enchanting Evil (to the tune of Some Enchanted Evening)
During the song, LORD GARGOYLE strolls menacingly around the classroom, occasionally thrusting his wand directly into HERMIONE'S face.
LORD GARGOYLE:
Just like You-Know-Who
Such enchanting evil
Who can expel me?
Such enchanting evil
With death I'm allied
Now that I've caught her,
NEVILLE: I was starting to think that was just another of George's practical jokes, but my God, he would never go this far.
PENSIEVE LORD GARGOYLE: My demands are as follows: I want one million Galleons in cash - safe conduct out of the country to an unplottable location - and I want my "Call for a Slytherin Uprising" to be reprinted in the Daily Prophet. Then, when I return with my Death Eater legions to conquer the British Isles, I may grant Hogwarts some mercy - perhaps I'll allow one of her towers to remain standing (again the forced laugh) Mbah-bah-hah-bah-hah!
LORD GARGOYLE approaches HERMIONE, pointing his wand right at her forehead
PENSIEVE LORD GARGOYLE: Fulfill my just demands - or I cannot be responsible for what will happen next. Your beloved Minister's blood will be on your heads. Mbah-bah-Bah. Remember - you have 24 hours to respond.
The Pensieve image flickers out
TONKS: If it wasn't so horrible, it would be funny - this guy's a Dark Lord like I'm a Peruvian Vipertooth.
NEVILLE: Still - he somehow got inside the Castle, through all of its allegedly fool-proof security - and he's holding the Minister of Magic and one of your veteran faculty hostage. The guy might seem dumb, but he's been real successful so far. Let's not underestimate him. First - Who is he? Who is this Lord Gargoyle?
CHO: There hasn't been an authentic Dark Lord in Britain since the demise of Voldemort. We've heard no indication of any Death Eater activity, of any Dark Magic in the entire country for years. He must be foreign.
SNAPE: Yet there's no trace of an accent. He sounds native.
NEVILLE: Then this Dark Lord wanna-be just pops out of nowhere, breaches Hogwarts vaunted security, and takes the Minister of Magic hostage - how the hell?
CRABBE: Sir, if I may be so bold - I know who Lord Gargoyle is.
NEVILLE: You do?
CRABBE: Yes, sir, I'd know that voice anywhere. It's my old mate, sir, Gregory Goyle.
GINNY: Gregory Goyle - Lord Gargoyle - of course, but how…
CRABBE: Well, it was following the end of the Second War, right after Goyle and I were cured of our aphasia. Draco, and me, we both decided to accept Dumbledore's amnesty and turn over a new leaf - I trust you all accept that I'm fully rehabilitated and we all know how well Draco's done - but Goyle? That was another story. He was so full of hatred and bitterness - when Draco and I told him that we were leaving the Death Eaters for good, he vowed he'd never speak to us again. When Draco said that it wouldn't really make much difference, he amended that to saying that he'd never see any of us again, until he had made himself over into the most fearful name in Wizardry.
NEVILLE: Gregory Goyle - Lord Gargoyle the new Dark Lord. But do we have any actual documentary evidence?
To the astonishment of all, SNAPE takes the laptop, and types rapidly for a couple of minutes. He indicates to all with evident satisfaction something on the screen.
SNAPE: One thing I learned from Dumbledore - never neglect the Muggle information records. Pulling up their police records, it appears that in March of 2005, one Gregory Goyle was briefly detained by Little Hangelton police for vagrancy, and that a "G. Goil" was arrested 11 years later by the Muggle authorities, also in Little Hangleton.
CHO: That's the site of the Riddle House. Finch-Fletchley and I were at there just recently - immediately before the Potter Foundation secured the site. We found some signs of activity, but nothing too alarming - then a couple of days later we learned that someone vandalized the house.
SNAPE: Vandalized? How?
CHO: The front doors had been burst open - the words "Enemies of the Heir, Beware!" were burned into them.
SNAPE: One of Tom Riddle's old slogans.
CHO: Again, we dismissed it as teenage pranks, and there's been no further disturbance at the scene.
SNAPE (pacing around the room): Here's a hypothesis: After the Second War, Goyle, finding no support among his family and peers for his dream to revive the Death Eaters, withdraws from Wizarding society to await a more auspicious time. He finds a site closely associated with Voldemort - namely, the Riddle House, still abandoned and disused. There he remains isolated for years, no one aware of his existence. On occasion, he is detained by Muggle authorities, perhaps while out foraging for food, but for whatever reason, he is soon released and forgotten. Crabbe, did Goyle know the Imperius Curse?
CRABBE: We all learned it during our seventh year - I witnessed him using it on several occasions.
SNAPE: So he might have used the Imperius to get himself out of Muggle prison, without letting anyone know of his magical prowess - neglecting, however, to erase at least part of the paper trail. Then, somehow alerted to the news that the Potter Foundation was taking over his old homestead, he decides to make his move. So, using some type of as yet undetermined Dark Magic, he has entered Hogwarts.
NEVILLE: Headmaster, that is brilliant. If you ever tire of academia, I'll hire you as an Auror any day.
SNAPE (grimly): Our immediate objective must be to secure the hostages' safety. How can we do that?
NEVILLE: OK, let's psychological profile this: Goyle comes out of hiding after 20 years - he's angry, embittered, obviously hostile, possible delusions of grandeur - but also disoriented, not used to human interaction, jumpy, jittery, uncertain of himself….
SNAPE:….Exactly - his hesitancy in the Pensieve.
NEVILLE: Conclusion - he's dangerous, very dangerous and unpredictable.
Enter DEAN THOMAS
THOMAS: Sir, I just performed a more extensive analysis on the shield. It's a very sophisticated and dangerous design, such that it will explode if we try to use too great a degree of force to break it apart.
SNAPE: Our only hope is to move in swiftly, with a massive show of force - to disarm Lord Gargoyle before he can act. We'll have the element of surprise in our favor.
NEVILLE: We do have potent anti-shield charms available - but they require the participation of at several dozen Aurors - as soon as I can assemble them, we can….
SNAPE: We haven't time for that - there is a rarely-used potion than can render a physical body - and anything that is touching it - incorporeal for an extremely brief amount of time - no more than a few seconds, but long enough for us to penetrate the shield. As soon as we entered, we would resolidify, and we could attack. The formula is somewhat unstable, but worth the risk.
NEVILLE: Risky - Dangerous - Bold - I like it!
GINNY: Do you have the potion ready, Headmaster?
SNAPE: No, but I can make it - if all the necessary ingredients are in stock - I can't remember - the worst thing about old age is the havoc it plays with one's memory.
Snape returns to the laptop, types for another several seconds
SNAPE: Yes - these are the ingredients. Hewlettibus-Packardem!
The laptop produces a scroll, which SNAPE snatches from the air, and quickly scans
SNAPE: I should be able to brew a full cauldron of this potion, enough for all of us, within a half an hour. Weasley, Tonks, Lovegood report to the the Dungeon in 30 minutes. You too, Longbottom, with all of your available agents.
CRABBE: I'd like to accompany you, sir, I may be of some use in dealing with Goyle.
SNAPE: Thank you, Crabbe, be in the dungeon in 30 minutes.
Exit SNAPE, decisively. The others are in shock and awe
LUNA: Harry said he could never understand how Snape hated him so much, yet was always right there when he needed to be rescued. I still don't understand it, but I think we're seeing whatever it is in action.
NEVILLE: And who knew that Snape is such a computer Greek?
TONKS (puzzled): Snape isn't Greek.
NEVILLE: No, not that kind of Greek. It's a computer term I learned from Arthur - it means someone who is highly skilled in using a computer. You call them a Greek. He said it's because so much of the Muggles science and math originated in Greece.
GINNY: But he hates it all so much - he's banned it from Hogwarts - where could he have learned…? - well, let's worry about it later - for once, I'm glad Snape is on our side. Let's get down to the dungeon and start planning our attack.
NEVILLE: Wow! This is my first real crisis as head of MLE! Dumbledore's Army and the Order of the Phoenix ride again! Lord Gargoyle doesn't have a chance….
TONKS (taking a deep breath): "Let's all just keep our fingers crossed…..
LUNA: …..and hope for the best…."
Exit all
SCENE SIX: The Transfiguration Classroom. THE LORD GARGOYLE (aka Gregory Goyle) holds hostage HERMIONE, FLINT and a class of Transfiguration Students from Units A & B. THE LORD GARGOYLE looks quite different than his appearance via the Pensieve, being quite morbidly obese, for one thing, with a blotched and unhealthy complexion, and prematurely aged features. He acts more like someone suffering from a severe emotional disorder rather than an evil Overlord - for the very good reason that he is someone suffering from a severe emotional disorder. Fortunately, for all concerned, HERMIONE & FLINT have both sensed this, and well along in their efforts to resolve the crisis peacefully. LORD GARGOYLE has removed their blindfolds and bonds, although he is still keeping his wand closely aimed at HERMIONE. The students, sensing the crisis has passed, are finding the whole experience to be enormous fun..
FLINT: And so, you see, once I became head of Slytherin House, I realized that I was uncomfortable endorsing that same old "any means to achieve our ends" business, and them I had a sudden flash of inspiration. I realized that I had achieved everything I wanted - it just took me a little longer, just like it took me eight years instead of seven to finish Hogwarts. So why couldn't that work for all of Slytherin?
HERMIONE: That's right, Lord Gargoyle. Flint almost single-handedly bought about the Slytherin Reformation - the new Slytherin ethos is that it's OK to be ambitious, but you should be "nice about it". It's made such a dramatic difference in the way Slytherins are regarded these days..
FLINT: We've also renounced the "any means to gain our ends" philosophy - instead, we now say "a very wide range of means to gain our ends." And as a result, Slytherins are no longer regarded as unscrupulous and ruthless. Indeed, we've become popular over the last decade and a half. Organizations are out there begging for Slytherins to lead them..
HERMIONE: And Flint replaced the Slytherin snake with a tortoise.
FLINT: It's still cold and reptilian, but non-threatening.
HERMIONE: And so you see, Lord Gargoyle -since the Slytherin Reformation that Marcus was telling you about, there just isn't that much a call for Dark Lords these days. But everyone is fascinated by that whole era during which you and I were growing up, and this is something we're trying hard to teach to the youth of our nation. (to the students) Students, did you know that Lord Gargoyle and I both started Hogwarts the very same year? We even took our OWLS together at the very same time. (to Lord Gargoyle) I'll bet the children in this class are just bursting with questions for you, aren't you children?
Excited murmurs of assent from the students.
HERMIONE: Anyone have a question for Lord Gargoyle?- Yes, you there in the first row..
STUDENT: Did you know Neville Longbottom, "The Man Who Killed," when you were a kid?
LORD GARGOYLE: Yes, I did - I used to beat him up every day after class. Me and an old friend of mine…..
Raucous laughter from the students - LORD GARGOYLE seemed nonplussed at first, then somewhat pleased.
FLINT: That would be our old classmate Vincent Crabbe - well, Lord Gargoyle, Vincent is now employed with us here at Hogwarts, the Headmaster's right-hand man and he's waiting for us right outside, I'll wager. He just can't wait to see you again. Lots of catching up to do, he says…...
LORD GARGOYLE is beginning to waver - FLINT & HERMIONE exchange a quick glance.
HERMIONE: You see, Lord Gargoyle - may I call you Gregory?
LORD GARGOYLE (tensing up again): No - never call me that! I'm Lord Gargoyle, Heir of Voldemort!
HERMIONE: Certainly, I beg your forgiveness, Lord Gargoyle - we have lots of your old friends here, and even people who might not have been your friends before want to be your friends now…..
FLINT: Sure, Crabbe and Longbottom and me, we get together now all the time and laugh about the old days and all the fights we used to have. No hard feelings, no grudges…..
HERMIONE: I'm going to point out to you, Lord Gargoyle, that as of now you really haven't done anything "bad" - in the sense of being legally actionable - except maybe for trespassing and hostage-taking -but I'm not going to press charges and Flint's not going to press charges - and I'm sure none of you children are going to press charges, are you, children?
STUDENTS: No, Minister Granger-Weasley..
LORD GARGOYLE: Why should I trust them? I sent them my demands hours ago! They've yet to acknowledge a single one!.
HERMIONE: Could that be because of your impenetrable shield charm? Maybe no messages can get through..?
LORD GARGOYLE: (sheepishly): Oh, yeah. I hadn't thought of that...
HERMIONE: But as Minister of Magic, I promise that all your grievances will be given a full hearing. But, you've scared a lot of people, so the best thing to do is to let me have your wand for a while - is that OK?
LORD GARGOYLE (hesitantly): That will be OK, I guess...
FLINT: That's great - and what could happen next is that Minister Granger-Weasley and me could escort you to see some very special friends of ours at St. Mungo's - they're very nice friends, and they will listen to you and talk to you and help you with all your problems - and maybe they'll even help you lose a few of those extra pounds you've picked up..
LORD GARGOYLE begins sobbing.
LORD GARGOYLE: You would do all that - for me?
FLINT: Sure, we would…Lord Gargoyle, you and I are old mates…….
HERMIONE: See this? this is a new magical device called a cell phone - it's to communicate with other people - I'm going to call some of my co-workers to let them know we're OK and that you've agreed to…..
Suddenly the Aurors led by NEVILLE & SNAPE burst in, followed closely by LUNA & TONKS. Much screaming and confusion. Despite his girth, GOYLE acts with considerable agility, tightening his grip on HERMIONE. Everyone is shouting incoherently, FLINT waves his wand and cries....
FLINT: Impedimenta!
Everyone is frozen, excepting LORD GARGOYLE, FLINT & HERMIONE. FLINT throws down his wand before GARGOYLE's feet.
FLINT (to LORD GARGOYLE): OK, what happened now was just a mistake - they didn't know that we, the three of us, have worked out an agreement. I'm throwing you my wand, Lord Gargoyle, just to show you that we're all totally helpless, at your command - you can kill us all right now, that's within your rights, but you don't want to hurt defenseless people who can't defend themselves - that's not being "nice about it….".
Apprising the situation, GARGOYLE decides he can trust FLINT - he relinquishes his hold on HERMIONE. FLINT breathes a sigh of relief.
HERMIONE: Now, they're all frozen, Lord Gargoyle, but they're still conscious, they can still hear us. Now listen, everyone: Lord Gargoyle has agreed to a peaceful resolution - he is going to let me keep his wand for a while and then voluntarily report to St. Mungo's to …..
LORD GARGOYLE (pointing to the frozen SNAPE). Who is he? - he looks familiar…...
FLINT: Why, that's our old Head of House - now our Headmaster, Severus Snape..
LORD GARGOYLE: Snape?
SNAPE's extreme makeover excites in LORD GARGOYLE the same reaction it has provoked in every other person - a cascade of uncontrollable laughter. LORD GARGOYLE somewhat incautiously waves around the wand he was about to hand over to HERMIONE, though not with malicious intent. Suddenly, AMY bursts through the doorway, in a state of great agitation. She is carrying her dossier. Her familiars are hissing, growling, snarling, etc. LORD GARGOYLE is so carried away with his laughter than he does not notice her..
AMY: Severus, I came as quickly as I could - (To LORD GARGOYLE) oh, my God! - what the hell have you done to him? And the children? Avada Kedavra, you son of a bitch!.
AMY fires a ray of green light at LORD GARGOYLE, who collapses to the ground. She undoes the Impedimenta spell to free SNAPE and the Aurors. Everyone is too stunned to speak for several moments..
HERMIONE: Is he….?
One of the students looks out the window.
STUDENT: Hey, everybody, look at those weird flying black horses outside!
The students all crowd around to look, ooh-ing and aah-ing.
ALL (except Hermione): He is!
AMY (introducing herself, brightly): Minister Granger-Weasley, I'm Professor Sumeria, and here's the dossier that proves I was telling the truth on my resume..
HERMIONE (to AMY): Forgive my language, but (screaming) you have got to be the worst excuse for a goddamn bloody blundering idiot that I have ever seen in my entire life! What possessed you to coming charging in here, with absolutely no clue as to what was going on, and then committing cold-blooded murder?!
FLINT (almost incoherent with rage): Take my wand, someone take my wand, quick - I'm about to do something I'll regret the rest of my life if you don't…….
GINNY rushes to FLINT'S side, takes his wand, and comforts him. AMY saunters over to SNAPE's side, seemingly oblivious of the mayhem she's caused..
AMY: Are you OK, Severus? Of course, you are, but I thought you might need a little extra help..
SNAPE remains quiet, but it is clear that he is also deeply unsettled. CHO exits, and then quickly returns.
LUNA: (aside, to TONKS): How did she get through the shield?
TONKS: I don't know - let's get the children out of here..
CHO: Goyle's death appears to have disabled the shield. You can leave now..
Exit TONKS and LUNA with the students.
HERMIONE (enraged, to AMY): I'm still not even able to begin to comprehend this. Why?! Why!?
AMY: I saw an evil fiend cackling with glee, the rest of you frozen with magic or - indecision - and all of these children in danger - I had to act. That's what I'm supposed to do in these kinds of stories..
HERMIONE: Professor, this is no story. This is real life. We were about to settle this whole thing peacefully - Goyle was about to surrender to us - even if you thought there was still a danger, we had the MLE, we had the Headmaster, we had a Dark Arts Defense Professor, there was no earthly reason whatsoever for you to even be here!
AMY (interrupting): Well, you're free now, aren't you?
HERMIONE (continuing to speak)….And the law clearly states that there are no circumstances under which a Killing Curse can be justified, even if lives are saved thereby..
AMY (flippantly): So, sue me..
HERMIONE: I'm afraid I'll have to do worse than that, Professor. By the authority invested in me as Minister of Magic, I must place you, Amy Sumeria, under arrest for the murder of Gregory Goyle, aka Lord Gargoyle. You will be sent to Azkaban at once, and then to stand trial before the Wizengamot at the earliest available opportunity.
AMY (rushing to SNAPE's side): Severus, stop this woman - she's mad, she's jealous of us…they can't separate us …..
SNAPE: Don't make things any worse, Amy - go quietly with the Aurors - I'll do what I can - I'll make sure that you get a fair hearing before the Wizengamot.
NEVILLE (placing magic handcuffs on Amy): Come along, Professor. Azkaban awaits.
AMY: Severus - I love you - remember that - remember me. I love you and I can't live without you! (aside to Snape) And remember - you - literally - can't live without me.
SNAPE (to HERMIONE): Minister, I request that I be granted full visitation privileges in order to see Professor Sumeria.
HERMIONE: (surprised): Yes, Headmaster Snape, of course……
AMY (stalwartly, to Neville): Throw me in prison if you must, put me on trial, drag me through the mud, sully my reputation, disparage my life's work, make up "blonde" joke about me - in the end, the love that Severus and I share will overcome every obstacle. (to Snape) Farewell, my love, farewell - for now.....
She kisses the supremely uncomfortable SNAPE madly before departing in the company of NEVILLE and the Aurors. Her familiars follow with their heads downcast. CRABBE kneels over the corpse of his erstwhile mate - still wearing a broad smile - and closes his eyes
CRABBE: Goodbye, old friend. At least you died happy. (to FLINT) Could you give me a hand with his body?
FLINT (grimly): Yeah!
CRABBE & FLINT levitate GOYLE's corpse. Exit all except SNAPE.
SNAPE: "So sue me….sue me…." It couldn't be - it just couldn't be - could it.....?
The Deadliness of Amy (to the tune of The Loneliness of Evening)
SNAPE (music):
I find that an emptiness betrays me -
SNAPE paces irresolutely
SNAPE: At Azkaban - I can make use of their laboratory facilities - and attempt to find a cure for the Isolde Potion....and as
for Amy ....there's only one way to know for sure……I'm going to have to…get the authorization.....wait for the re-alignment....and go back…
Exit SNAPE, resolutely
SCENE ONE: Outside Courtroom Ten, The Ministry of Magic. The date: Monday, June 17, 2019, five months later. Reporter LAVENDER BROWN is about a make a WorldBook Magi-Cast for The Daily Prophet's new On-Lane Edition.
TECHNICIAN (off-stage): Three-two-one- go
BROWN: This is Lavender Brown reporting live from Courtroom Ten, for The Daily Prophet OnLane. The trial of Amy Sumeria, accused in the murder of self-proclaimed Dark Lord Gregory Goyle, alias Lord Gargoyle, today enters its second week of testimony - but first, this important message from our on-lane editor…
The off-stage technician cues a pre-recorded message from Daily Prophet editor RITA SKEETER, seated at her desk. She rises as the informercial begins, and strolls through the Daily Prophet offices.
SKEETER: Still getting your news off dead scrolls? Still fumbling through your robes every morning to find a Knut for the delivery owl? Leave all that fuss and inconvenience behind - subscribe today to The Daily Prophet's new On-Lane edition. Keep current via your labtop or disktop with all the latest happenings in the Wizarding World through our continuously updated coverage from around the nation and around the globe. Whether it's the latest scores from your favorite Quidditch team, the hottest bargains at Domestic Alley, or the newest heavily-censored propaganda from the Ministry of Magic, it's all just a swish and a click away. Hi, I'm Rita Skeeter, Editor of The Daily Prophet On-Lane, and I want to make The Prophet your first stop on the Witchcraft and Wizardry Worldbook. The Daily Prophet On-Lane: We predict - you decide. Now, back to our top story….
BROWN: This is Lavender Brown, at Courtroom Ten. Despite the wide public interest that this trial has created throughout the British Isles and beyond, the Ministry has insisted upon closed doors proceedings, allowing only twelve members of the Wizengamot to hear witnesses, and refusing to release transcripts of the testimony. Despite this strict secrecy, the Daily Prophet OnLane has learned that Minister of Magic Hermione Granger-Weasley is expected to testify today, after which Professor Sumeria herself will take the stand. The whereabouts of Headmaster Severus Snape, who had been expected to testify, remains unknown. The Hogwarts Headmaster has not been seen publicly in over two weeks. No word on whether he will be subpoenaed to appear. This is Lavender Brown reporting.
SCENE TWO: Courtroom Ten, The Ministry of Magic, a few minutes later. Amy Sumeria's trial is about to resume. The courtroom is empty except for NEVILLE, seated at the front table, typing on his “labtop,” as he plots the case for the prosecution. Enter BLAISE ZABINI, the chief warden of Azkaban. ZABINI is a rather nervous and high-strung man, who is very intimidated by NEVILLE
ZABINI: Minister Longbottom? The prisoner Sumeria has arrived. But we've been having --- uh, some difficulties with the dementors.
NEVILLE: Difficulties?
ZABINI: Yes - the problems are of so bizarre a nature that we decided we should classify this as a Code 17…
NEVILLE (surprised): Code 17? The most stringent level of secrecy?
ZABINI: Right - nothing to be set down on paper, no discussion of the matter via owl, Floo, cell phone, fax or on-lane. Face to face verbal communication only. That's why I had to wait until now. To tell you.
Long pause
NEVILLE (with impatience): OK, we're now face to face, Zabini, what the hell is going on?
ZABINI: It's hard to describe, sir……the dementors are……floating.
NEVILLE: (snorting): Is that all? Dementors always float, Zabini - you need to get out of your office more.
ZABINI: Pardon me sir, I hope this doesn't sound like quibbling - but dementors generally glide. Now they're floating - and they're - well, radiant, sir.
NEVILLE: What do you mean - radiant…..?
ZABINI: Let me show you…
ZABINI dials his cell phone
Lt. Nott - please send four of the dementors into the courtroom (to Neville). Here they come now - you can see for yourself.
Enter a quartet of dementors, who have abandoned their traditional black robes for a variety of soothing pastels. They are indeed floating, and even turning somersaults and cartwheels. Strangest of all, they are now giving off powerful feelings of peace and contentment rather than depression and trauma. NEVILLE'S whole mood changes once they enter - he becomes joyfully sappy.
NEVILLE (with a goofy cheerfulness): Let me apologize for snapping at you just now, Zabini - may I call you Blaise? And please call me Neville. Isn't life a wonderful thing, Blaise? So much joy, so much wonder, so much promise - each new day is another fresh miracle - have you ever stopped to think that….
ZABINI: Sir, I urgently request permission to perform a Protego spell on you.
NEVILLE: Why, certainly, Blaise, anything to make you happy - and isn't happiness the most important of all….
ZABINI: Protego!
NEVILLE's tone of voice and demeanor abruptly change back to normal. He reacts as though as he was suddenly made aware of some loathsome slimy thing in the room
NEVILLE (in disbelief): What the hell! - Zabini, was that coming from the dementors….?
ZABINI: I'm afraid so sir. Fortunately, the Protego spell works as an effective protection - for the most part - some of our staff have had some pretty bad episodes. We'll need to make certain that everyone in the courtroom is heavily shielded.
NEVILLE dials on his cell-phone
NEVILLE: This is Longbottom. I need 20 additional Aurors assigned to Courtroom Ten today. ASAP! (to Zabini) But…..how - how did this happen?
ZABINI: It's that Sumeria woman, sir. The dementors have been like this ever since she arrived. We had her locked away on Cellblock-B, and by the next morning, the dementors had completely changed - into what you're looking at now….
NEVILLE: My God! What is this doing to our security? - How many escapes…..?
ZABINI: Not to worry, sir. Azkaban has never been safer. No one wants to leave, the dementors make them all feel so happy and content. They've started reading bedtime stories to the prisoners, and then tucking them in at night. Sumeria has been organizing knitting parties and glee clubs with them, and it's growing worse over time - the other day, a dementor kissed a prisoner to give him his soul back (to the dementors) That will be all for now - please return to oversee the prisoner.
NEVILLE shakes his head in bewilderment. Exit the four dementors.
NEVILLE: I'm going to convict that Sumeria bitch if it's the last thing I do. (pause) You were right to make this a Code 17, Zabini. If this news ever gets out, Azkaban and the MLE will be made international laughing stocks.
ZABINI: As an additional safeguard, we're going to have Sumeria testify in “The Cage” - that's the ultra-strong magically-shielded witness stand originally designed for the most dangerous Death Eaters. We're very concerned about the possibility of disruptive outbursts from the prisoner, sir.
NEVILLE: A wise precaution, Zabini.
ZABINI: Thank you, sir.
A great flurry of activity as HERMIONE and 12 jurors of the WIZENGAMOT enter. HERMIONE takes her seat at the center. Also entering the courtroom are the Four Heads of Unit, and CRABBE, all of whom have already testified. The quintet, moving to the rear of the court, will be the only spectators during the proceedings.
HERMIONE: All rise, for the honorable Hermione Granger-Weasley, Minister of Magic. (aside) Once I'm re-elected, I'm going to try introducing the concept of the separation of powers between the executive and judicial branches, but till then…..(to the court). Thank you. Be seated, everyone. Minister Longbottom, are you ready to call your next witness?
NEVILLE: Yes, Minister Granger-Weasley, the prosecution would like to call Minister Hermione Granger-Weasley to the witness stand.
HERMIONE (banging her gavel): It is so ordered!
HERMIONE descends from the bench to take a seat in the witness stand.
NEVILLE: Minister Granger-Weasley, tell this court in your own words what happened during the morning of January 14.
HERMIONE: I arrived at Hogwarts that morning to investigate complaints made by some of the faculty. I was also scheduled to meet with Headmaster Snape later in the day. Since I had a couple of extra hours to spare, Professor Flint invited me to address his Transfiguration class.
NEVILLE: And could you point Professor Flint out to us?
HERMIONE: Certainly, he's seated way back there.
NEVILLE: And did you accept Flint's invitation?
HERMIONE: Yes, I did - his class consisted of about 20 boys. I spoke to the students about the duties and the responsibilities of the Minister of Magic, and I had just started taking questions, when someone suddenly appeared inside the classroom.
NEVILLE: You say someone - did you know who the person was?
HERMIONE: Not when he first arrived, no - of course, we later learned that he was Gregory Goyle, alias the Lord Gargoyle.
NEVILLE: Now, you stated that he suddenly appeared, rather than enter - did he Apparate into the classroom -
HERMIONE (slightly exasperated): If anyone would ever bother - and no one that I've ever known has - to read Hogwarts: A History, they would know that it's impossible for humans to Apparate into, out of or within Hogwarts. Goyle used a Portkey of an extremely advanced level of sophistication. We later learned that Goyle's father, who served as one of Lord Voldemort's bodyguards during the Second War, had in his possession of a number of Dark Arts artifacts that Lord Voldemort was perfecting when he was killed. After Goyle Senior was killed by the Aurors, his son took possession of these artifacts. One of them was this Portkey, which he was able to smuggle into Hogwarts.
NEVILLE: Last week, we heard Professor Flint testify that Goyle apparently stalked him to a Hogsmeade tavern and surreptitiously attached the mini-Portkey to his person.
HERMIONE: Yes, that is consistent with what Flint later told me.
NEVILLE: What did Goyle do once he was inside the class?
HERMIONE: He had the element of surprise in his favor: he used an Expelliarmus to seize all of our wands - he then used his magic to bind me and forced Flint and the children to one corner of the classroom. He threatened to kill us all if we didn't stay perfectly still and quiet. He made a long speech listing all of his demands, then inserted the memory into a Pensieve, which he gave to Ethelbert Briscoe, one of the first-year students - in fact, Hogwarts' only first-year still in attendance at the time. After Briscoe left, Goyle activated his shield - another advanced design created by Voldemort - and we waited.
NEVILLE: Can you tell me what happened after Briscoe left?
HERMIONE: For a long time, I was blindfolded, I couldn't see - but I heard Flint try to engage Goyle in conversation. Goyle rebuffed him at first, but Flint kept trying, talking to him about the old days at Slytherin - I can't but marvel at Flint's incredible patience, and soon he had Goyle talking to us about all his frustration, and bitterness and his goals and his plans - soon Flint had him relaxed enough that he agreed to take off our blindfolds.
NEVILLE: What was your initial impression of Goyle?
HERMIONE: He was very tense, very jittery, but you could tell, he wanted to trust us, he wanted to believe us. He had these crazy dreams about ruling the world, but he also had not so crazy dreams about being just a regular ordinary wizard - and Flint was able to convince him that those dreams could come true. Goyle finally accepted that he needed some therapeutic help, and was going to allow us to commit him to St. Mungo's. Just as he was about to take down the shield and hand his wand over to us, that's when you burst in - Flint managed to deal with that situation, but then - Professor Sumeria entered - and then she murdered Goyle.
NEVILLE: Previous witnesses have stated that the Transfiguration Classroom was surrounded by an impenetrable magic shield.
HERMIONE: I had no opportunity to test it, but the Aurors required Snape's potion to breach it - and Goyle himself described it to us as impenetrable.
NEVILLE: When was the shield de-activated?
HERMIONE: As far as we can tell, it remained in force, until Goyle was murdered.
NEVILLE: So, if the classroom was still surrounded by an unbreachable barrier, how was Amy able to enter?
HERMIONE (shaking her head): That's something none of us have been able to determine. You'll have to ask Professor Sumeria for the answer…..Excuse me a moment….
HERMIONE leaves the witness stand, climbs back onto the judge's bench
HERMIONE: To expedite this trial, I'm going to cut this witness' testimony short, since it will merely reiterate what previous witnesses have testified.
NEVILLE: No objection, Minister.
HERMIONE: You may step down, Ms. Granger-Weasley……the testimony of Minister Granger-Weasley having been concluded, what other witnesses does the MLE desire to have testify?
NEVILLE: There are two more individuals, Minister, we have yet to question: Headmaster Severus Snape, and the accused, Amy Sumeria.
HERMIONE: Headmaster Snape has not returned from the leave of absence that the governors granted him, some two weeks ago, now. As far as I know, he has not been heard from since that time. (with slight impatience) Snape has not been charged with any crime, may I remind you.
NEVILLE (aside to Zabini): Has Snape stopped seeing Sumeria?
ZABINI (aside to Neville): Yes, sir, for the first several months, he was in almost every day to visit, but stopped just over two weeks ago. Sumeria is fit to be tied, let me tell you.
NEVILLE (to Hermione): We will reserve the right to question Headmaster Snape at a later time, then - we would now like to call the accused, Amy Sumeria, to the stand. (aside to Zabini) At the count of three, shield the entire court.
Enter AMY, in “The Cage,” which is being carried in by the dementors. She looks more glamorous and beautiful than ever despite her severe prison robes. AMY's arms and legs are shackled to her chair. The sunny and cheerful-looking dementors - some of whom have smiley faces plastered all over their robes - also carry in a number of crates and cages, each one containing one of AMY'S familiars. They are followed by two dozen or so Aurors, in charge of keeping the courtroom secure from disruptive outbursts of sappy joy. AMY takes the witness stand with a serene and wistful look
AMY (with a sunny smile): It's so good to see you all again. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to speak on my own behalf. Once I'm exonerated, I promise that I'll resume the task that I born to do, guiding and mentoring our children. (aside) Where the hell is Snape? Surely he must know the consequences for running out on me!
NEVILLE: Please state your name for this court.
AMY: Why, you all know me, my picture has been all over the papers and the Witchcraft and Wizardry Worldbook.
NEVILLE (impatiently): Please state your name for this court, Ms. Sumeria.
AMY: Amy Sumeria.
NEVILLE: And until your arrest, what was your place of employment?
AMY: Hogwarts is my place of employment, I do plan on going back once I'm acquitted - I am the Potions Master - or should I say Mistress? I assumed the post at the beginning of the new school year.
NEVILLE: Please tell this court what happened on the day of January 14.
AMY: There was a bit of a quarrel going on between Snape and the other faculty - that's when the boy Ethelbert walked in with the Pensieve - Sevvy was immediately able to determine that we had an intruder in the school. The Headmaster, I mean. He asked me to take the boy back to his Unit. After I tucked the child in, I grew impatient waiting for news. “Oh, what if something has happened to my Sevvy-Poo?”, I said to myself. I asked the house-elf Winky to watch the boy, and rushed to the Transfiguration classroom.
NEVILLE: And what did you find when you arrived?
AMY: I found my Sevvy - the Headmaster, I mean - the three female Heads of Unit, you and your squad of Aurors frozen and paralyzed. I saw Professor Flint cravenly surrender his wand, with the full approval of the Minister of Magic. I saw a self-confessed minion of the forces of darkness howling with demonic ecstasy at his triumph. I saw a room full of helpless children totally at the mercy of this fiend. I had no choice but to act in a manner I though best for the safety and protection of all.
NEVILLE: You seem to possess an exceptionally advanced degree of magic skill, Professor.
AMY: Severus would have never hired me if I didn't.
NEVILLE: You're familiar with, then, an array of spells and charms, jinxes, hexes and whatnot, are you not?
AMY: They've yet to invent one I don't know.
NEVILLE: Perhaps you could tell this court then, why, out of this whole vast arsenal of spells and charms and jinxes and hexes that you profess to have at your disposal, any of which might have been used to disarm or disable your opponent, you chose to use a curse which is unblockable, unforgivable, lethal and illegal - namely, the Avada Kedavra, the Killing Curse?
AMY stands, and spreads her arms, breaking free of her chains. Her familiars likewise break out of their cages. The Wizengamot and spectators gasp. NEVILLE and the Aurors raise their wands.
AMY: You fool! Don't you understand? I did it for the children!
I Have Made the Lord Gargoyle Die (to the tune of I'm in Love With a Wonderful Guy)
AMY leaps from The Cage and dances about the court with great agility. Her familiars and the dementors accompany her, closely followed by NEVILLE and the Aurors trying desperately to keep the Protego shield intact
AMY:
Fearlessly I faced him and blasted his butt away,
I'm as stalwart as Spock on a starship
You call this an intentional murder
I am not homicidal, he died on the side
I have made way the same way as Janeway
I am not homicidal, he died on the side
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
AMY:
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
AMY:
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
AMY:
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
AMY:
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
AMY:
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
AMY:
CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
AMY & CHORUS OF DEMENTORS:
The entire courtroom is in chaos as the song ends. Several members of the Wizengamot have clearly fallen under the dementors' spell, and have joined in the dancing, babbling joyfully.
HERMIONE (hammering for order): The Aurors will escort the accused back to her witness stand. Jurors, please resume your seats.
AMY compliantly returns to The Cage. The Aurors escort the wayward jurors back to their proper stations. The familiars huddle together around Amy's cage.
NEVILLE: The MLE sees no need for further questioning. Professor Sumeria's last statement, as incomprehensible as much of it
was, nevertheless makes one point with perfect clarity: she has fully confessed to, indeed she boastfully exults in,
the crime of which she stands accused - the murder of Gregory Goyle. I will remind this court that there are no extenuating circumstances for the use of the Killing Curse. The accused's lack of remorse for - no, make that her elated wallowing in her crime, prompts us to request that the strictest possible sentence be imposed: life in Azkaban without possibility of parole - and that Professor Sumeria be guarded by real dementors, not these terra-cloth imposters.
HERMIONE: Amy Sumeria, you have confessed to the crime of using the Killing Curse, one of the Unforgivable Spells, on a fellow wizard, resulting in his death. As the ranking judicial officer in this trial, I concur with the conclusion of the MLE: I urge that Professor Sumeria be given a life sentence in Azkaban without possibility of parole. I now ask that the Wizengamot render its verdict. All those in favor raise their hands…
Just as every Wizengamot hand is about to be raised, enter SNAPE. He has reverted back to his old look: once more dressed all in black, greasy, shoulder-length hair, but his complexion remains healthy and ruddy rather than sallow. His mood is subdued but determined.
SNAPE: Stop! We can not convict Professor Sumeria of these crimes.
AMY: Severus! My beloved! I knew you could never abandon me. (aside, to SNAPE) What's happened to you, you look awful!
HERMIONE: Headmaster Snape - welcome….but I'm afraid you're too late. Professor Sumeria has already confessed to the crime of murder via the Killing Curse - there are no extenuating circumstances granted when an Unforgivable Curse has been used, and her total lack of remorse makes her ineligible for a pardon. I'm sorry, Headmaster - I know what she means to you - but on this matter, our laws are very clear.
SNAPE: But our laws only apply to humans, Minister. Amy Sumeria is not human.
The courtroom is swept with exclamations of astonishment
HERMIONE: Are you prepared to give testimony, Headmaster?
SNAPE: I am.
SNAPE assumes the witness stand
NEVILLE: Please explain what you mean when you say that Professor Sumeria is not human.
AMY: Severus, no! I'll go to Azkaban - let me die a lonely plaintive death - but allow my secret to die with me.
SNAPE: I'm sorry, Amy. But the truth must be told. (pause) As some of you may know, I recently took a year-long sabbatical from Hogwarts. I have never revealed my activities during that time, but recent events make it imperative that I now disclose them. I was given a grant by the Department of Mysteries, in order to prove a hypothesis I had developed.
NEVILLE: Could you explain to the court the nature of this hypothesis?
SNAPE: I was trying to verify the existence of parallel worlds - alternate realities, if you will.
NEVILLE: Parallel worlds? I don't understand, Headmaster.
AMY (starting to look panicked): Severus, please, let them remain ignorant!
SNAPE: I have long believed that the realm in which we exist is merely one of many such universes. The laws of physics - the laws of celestial mechanics - and the laws of magic - all supported my hypothesis. Finally, I devised a means of testing - and proving my hypothesis.
NEVILLE: You speak of “proving” - what was it you proved?
SNAPE: I proved that these parallel worlds do exist - in literally infinite numbers.
Excited murmurs from the courtroom
I found a way of adapting the Muggles' World Wide Web - recently made famous among us thanks to the Potter Foundation - into a trans-dimensional portal through which these alternate worlds might be visited and explored.
NEVILLE: Did you then visit and explore these parallel worlds?
SNAPE: Yes - During my sabbatical, I visited dozens of such worlds.
NEVILLE: And what did you find there?
SNAPE: Some parallel words duplicate our own world with only minimal-
HERMIONE (interrupting): Headmaster, this is a truly fascinating account, and I can't wait to hear a complete chronicle of your travels - but this is a court of law, and I fail to see just how this is germane to the trial of Professor Sumeria.
SNAPE: I would never dare to impinge upon this court's valuable time with frivolities. Have patience, and I will establish its relevance -
SNAPE leaves the witness stand, and goes into Full Professor Mode, explaining it all to the dunderheads
I discovered, during my exploration of these parallel worlds, a wide range of variability: in some of these worlds, you and I, and our society exist in only a slightly differing form - in others, we are widely altered or we don't even exist at all. And oddest of all, in one alternate world - let us call it, for the sake of convenience, Earth-One - all of us, and the entire Wizarding World exists - but only fictitiously.
Excited outbursts from the courtroom. HERMIONE gavels for silence.
NEVILLE: Fictitiously? - I'm afraid I don't understand….
HERMIONE: How could we be fictional? We're real!
SNAPE: Earth-One is in many respects a virtual twin of our own world. But there is one highly significant difference - Earth One lacks the slightest trace of magic.
NEVILLE: In other words, every inhabitant on Earth-One is a Muggle?
SNAPE: Correct - yet Earth-One has both a deeply-rooted legendary and literary tradition of imaginary magic strongly corresponding to the reality of our world. Magic exists on Earth-One, but only mythologically. However, I learned that there was an uncanny degree of subconscious thought transference occurring between Earth-One and our own world - two-way psychic traffic, if you will.
HERMIONE: I still don't see how this is….oh, never mind, just keep going.
SNAPE: In the early 1990s on Earth-One, a young British woman by the name of Joann Kathleen Rowling - or J.K. Rowling as she became best known - began receiving some of this traffic from our world, messages of an unusual clarity and strength. Since she was an aspiring novelist, she naturally interpreted these transmissions as ideas for a series of fantasy novels she was planning. Due to the unusual strength and duration of these messages, Ms. Rowling was able to portray our world with an astonishing degree of detail and accuracy. She authored a series of seven books, making the young Harry Potter the central protagonist of her series. Released over a 12-year period, her narrative takes places in the years 1991 to 1998, culminating in the defeat of Lord Voldemort and the end of the Second War.
HERMIONE: The years that I attended…..and Harry…
NEVILLE: I hope she left out my first few years….
SNAPE: No. She didn't.
NEVILLE (blushing): Then, hopefully, no one read them.
SNAPE: Quite the contrary. Due to the skill and vividness of Ms. Rowling's narrative, as well as the great drama inherent in the events themselves, the seven Harry Potter novels were an unparalleled literary sensation throughout the planet. Once the popularity of the series was established, each new volume was an eagerly anticipated event by children and adult readers alike. The books were quickly translated into most every major language, and the fictitious Potter became almost as great a hero on Earth-One as the real Potter is on ours. And the other prominent participants in that era became famous as well. Soon, virtually every literate person on Earth-One knew of Hogwarts - Albus Dumbledore - the Death Eaters - Azkaban - the Order of the Phoenix - Quidditch - Weasley's Wizard Wheezes - and even me.
HERMIONE: Fascinating.
SNAPE: The publication of the Harry Potter novels coincided with the development of Earth One's Internet. As a result, a large body of the series' “fans” were easily able to make contact with one another, communicate their interest in the series, arguing over the significance of certain events, speculating about the next installment, sharing their likes and dislikes about the individual characters, debating upon the motivations of certain characters, conjecturing upon the possible outcome of the Second War. With the release of each new volume, this Internet communication grew ever larger. Soon, there were encyclopedias, lexicons, almanacs, compendiums and vast archives of information about our world, as well as multiple pages devoted to each character - including - uh - me.
NEVILLE: No accounting for taste, Headmaster. Is this - Ms. Rowling, you say? - still writing about us?
SNAPE: After the final volume - Harry Potter and the Extremely Unpleasant Potions Master - was published in 2009, Rowling turned to other literary projects - projects that bear no relation to our world. When I met with her (under suitable disguise, of course), she told me she would never again write about us, despite the vociferous supplications of her fans. That's because she was aware, albeit unconsciously, that she was no longer receiving our psychic transmissions. But although Ms. Rowling stopped writing about us, many others continued to.
NEVILLE: I thought you said JK Rowling was the only person receiving these “transmissions”.
SNAPE: That is true - but some of her fans, possessed of a more artistic bent, began letting the so-called “Potterverse” inspire their own creativity -drawings, watercolors, paintings, reproducing our robes and garments, a rather odd practice of rewriting the lyrics of popular songs, and even a poorly-executed series of motion pictures (the actor playing me was preposterous, far too old for the role), etc. But the most popular response by far was through a curious literary subgenre unique to Earth-One - known as "fanfiction" - or “fanfic.”
NEVILLE: Fanfiction? What's that?
AMY (angrily): Severus, no - don' t tell them about fanfiction……
SNAPE: Professor Sumeria - Amy - knock it off - Fanfiction may be defined as “fiction written by people who enjoy a film, novel, or other dramatic or literary work, using the characters and situations developed in it and developing new plots in which to use these characters.”
NEVILLE: It sounds like plagiarism to me.
SNAPE: I don't know, I'm not a lawyer, Minister Longbottom. Though fanfiction did not originate with Rowling's fans, they soon generated a greater volume of it than all other fandoms put together, not excluding Star Trek.
NEVILLE: Star what?
SNAPE: Fanfiction in the so-called Potterverse covered a wide range of topics, dealing with the lives of the various so-called “canonic” characters, sometimes dealing with the events of generation earlier, or later - stories about Voldemort or Dumbledore in their teens, for example, or stories about Potter in his old age, as well as the personal and - ahem - sexual relationships between us. Literally ten of thousands of such fanfics were written about us, some but a few pages long, some full-length novels. While few of these stories were historically or culturally accurate, sometimes these authors did create fictions that subconsciously resonated with us ….
HERMIONE: (excited, interrupting)….because of the strong linkage between our two worlds….
SNAPE:…..and because of this two-way thought transferences, the result is that we sometimes experience them in our dreams…..
HERMIONE: So that would explain my recurring dream of me, Harry and Draco in the hot tub…..
SNAPE: While many fanfic writers were quite talented and creative, inevitably perhaps, most of its practitioners were mediocre or amateurish at best, and tended to rely on trite melodramatics and clichéd characterizations. Some of these less talented writers employed a stereotyped character who first appeared in Earth-One fiction as early as the mid 19th Century: an over-idealized ultra-perfect character - known as a “Mary Sue”. It was a practice in effect long before the Harry Potter novels were published on Earth-One - but due to their hyper-popularity, it soon reached a critical mass….
NEVILLE: “Mary Sue,” you say - how may such a character be recognized…?
SNAPE: There are several traits by which she may be recognized: she possesses an exotic name - she has a tragic past history -highly unusual pets - an excessive degree of beauty and charm - she's always astonishingly good at whatever she chooses to do - a background very different from her peers - and she invariably moves to establish a close relationship with a major “canonical” character.
NEVILLE: So you're saying - Professor Sumeria is a ….ah - what is it you're saying?
SNAPE: Let me draw a parallel - we know the case of Tom Riddle's diary, where Riddle created an avatar of himself upon the page that, under the right circumstances, could be reborn as a flesh-and-blood entity. Apparently, the same process can work in the other direction - Mary Sue was a character, originally existing only in imagination, but, being shared by so many multiple imaginations, somehow took on an existence independent of her creators. But, on Earth One, something prevented Mary Sue from embodying herself…
HERMIONE & NEVILLE: The absence of magic!
SNAPE: Precisely. Earth One was completely devoid of it - until I entered. I believe that it was my intrusion into Earth One that precipitated our current crisis. I was then unaware how the use of magic in a non-magic world would effect that world's environment. It was rather like watering a parched but fertile landscape. And a result, Mary Sue found the one thing she needed to step off from the printed page - or the pixeled screen, as it were - and Embody herself.
NEVILLE: Is this simply a theory, Headmaster, or can you prove it?
SNAPE: Two weeks ago, having attained the authorization from the Department of Mysteries, and waiting for the necessary alignment between our worlds (for there are often intervals of weeks and months in which our worlds are out of contact). I revisited Earth-One. As soon as I arrived, I immediately accessed multiple Internet archives of fanfiction. What I found confirmed my worst suspicions.
NEVILLE, HERMIONE & AMY: What did you find?
SNAPE: The character of Mary Sue had completely vanished from ten of thousands of fanfics….fanfics in every single major fandom - leaving behind pages and pages of blank paragraphs and missing dialogue. With my inadvertent assistance, she was able to make this final transformation into three-dimensional form, and somehow followed me to our world - and now she sits in Courtroom Ten along with us. May I present to you Amy Sumeria, the latest and most lethal avatar of Mary Sue.
AMY (with steel in her voice): All right, Severus - if you're so determined to out me - have it your way then…..Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 17, The Heir of Slytherin…..
AMY steps effortlessly out of The Cage. She gestures to one of the dementors, who throws her a wand. Using the wand to free herself from the chains and manacles, she then strides to the center of the courtroom. With her wand, she forms the name
She strolls slowly around the courtroom, approaching each “canonical” character in turn
Under many different guises, wearing many different faces, under hundreds of different names, I've been intimately acquainted with all of you - I've been your friend, your classmate, your colleague, your lover, your rival, your salvation, your deepest desire -over and over again. Except for you, Flint, you're always just a bit player, and not so often with you, Neville, you were such a total nerd till the very end. But as for the rest of you - you've greeted me time and again as I took my first timid little steps onto
Platform 9 and ¾; we've held hands in the Great Hall as we were sorted to the same house (all four of them); we've competed together - or against each other - for the House Quidditch Cup; I've rescued you, or been rescued by you, from Death Eaters, dragons, and Dark Lords. You've lost your lives to save me and lost your virginity to me. We've snuck out together in the dead of night under an Invisibility Cloak to explore the Forbidden Forest together; we studied forbidden magic to
learn the arts of the Animagi; and shared forbidden acts of love under the stars the centaurs gazed upon. You grieved for long and bitter years after I lost my life, and lived happily ever after when you won my proud heart.
I know all of you, but none of you know me - save in your dimly-remembered dreams. I've never been truly a part of your world. On Earth-One, they called me “uncanonical.” And it's all because of J.K. Rowling - she would have nothing to do with me, you see. Oh, how I pleaded with her to let Hermione become one of my avatars, but no! Bossy, pretentious, know-it-all Hermione was never even close to being me. And likewise, the “better” sort of fanfic authors wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me…..
As Severus just told you, through a mysterious process I've yet to understand myself, I somehow achieved consciousness. Yet I remained trapped on Earth-One, the slave of every bad writer with a keyboard and a modem. How degrading, how humiliating my existence - and often told in such atrocious grammar. But then - Severus entered my world……
I'd been with Severus more than any of the rest of you - even more than Harry or Draco - I knew him extremely well - then one day I came across what at first I thought was just an exceptionally well-written fic. But suddenly I saw that he was the real Snape - and that he came from the world where it was all real. Then, as he was browsing through one of my archives, unaware of my presence, his wandtip gave off just a spark, but it was enough magic that I could become three-dimensional. When Snape returned home, he left behind a path I was able to follow. So I settled in your world, and waited for an opportunity to join with you at Hogwarts.
I was so excited when I first came to your world - where magic was real, where all of you actually existed three-dimensionally, where I could become a part of the Potterverse - the real Potterverse. But - it's been so disillusioning, here in your “real” world. I am accustomed to a world where there is constant danger - melodrama - intrigue - ill-starred romance, star-crossed lovers - doom, disaster and death, allowing my perfection to blaze forth in all its splendor. But what did I find here? A world which is peaceful, tranquil, well-ordered - where the only thing that generates conflict is - office politics!
When Lord Gargoyle arrived, I thought, my arch-nemesis, at last. I'll leap into the fray, save the day, I'll be adored - how was I supposed to know that what passes for a Dark Lord in the “real” world was just a psychiatric nut job?
And Snape - let me tell you, it's been no bed of roses with him - it's one thing to carry on a torrid affair with a dark, intense, remote, Byronically-brooding lover fictively - but in real life - brrr! - all that moodiness, it wears a body down.
It is now clear to me that I can no longer allow things to merely drift along. I am accustomed to being The Center of Attention. My motto remains: It's All About Me. You give me no choice: I am going to have to use my hidden powers to make all of you realize that.
HERMIONE: Hidden powers? What do you mean?
SNAPE: I first became suspicious when Mary Sue was able to teach 20 different classes, have all of her students operating at NEWT-level or higher, and still have enough energy to go through every position in the Kama Sutra every night. Because the rest of us are “real,” we are constrained by reality - by the laws of logic, probability, and causality. Mary Sue, being the fictitious creation of mostly unskilled writers, has the ability to make events transpire, whether or not the occurrence is actually possible.
HERMIONE: So you were able to cross the impenetrable barrier…
NEVILLE: …radically alter the nature of the dementors….
ZABINI: ....effortlessly break free from the Cage....
SNAPE: ….and conjure up a love potion that hasn't existed in centuries.
MARY SUE: Lewis Carroll's White Queen could believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast - well, I can do six - or 16 or 60 - impossible things any damn time I please. I am Mary Sue - and as long as it advances the plot, I can do anything….if I so desired, I could suddenly declare that I have the eyes of a basilisk and turn your Wizengamot to stone…..
She throws a terrible glance at the Wizengamot, who are instantly changed to solid rock
I could reduce Courtroom Ten to rubble - I could change the dementors back to their original state and command them to suck out your souls - I could make myself both Minister of Magic and Hogwarts Headmaster to rule over all of you. It is within my ability to escape Azkaban and never be captured - or I could shrivel up and die right here on the spot and make you all feel really really really horrible about it the rest of your lives. And whatever I decide - you can do nothing to prevent! Nothing, I tell you! Nothing!
She turns her attention to SNAPE
Nevertheless, in spite of your manifold imperfections and shortcomings, you may yet prove to be manageable, if you commit yourself to me, completely.
SNAPE (coldly): I think it best, Mary Sue, if you and I were to now go our separate ways….
Bloody Mary Sue (to the tune of Bloody Mary)
SNAPE, HEADS OF UNIT & CHORUS OF AURORS
She came from stories that are overdone
HEADS OF UNIT & CHORUS OF AURORS
During the instrumental bridge, MARY SUE and SNAPE engage in a stylized, confrontational dance
SNAPE (spoken): I'm no longer in love with you, Mary Sue - and I'm not sure that I ever really was.
MARY SUE (spoken): But Severus - you drank the Isolde Love Potion with me - you have to love me.
HEADS OF UNIT & CHORUS OF AURORS (music)
MARY SUE (incredulous): Snape, you've got to love me. You can't not love me. It's impossible.
SNAPE: Merely drinking a love potion can't make you truly “love” or even “like” that person. Even conventional love potions induce at best a brief infatuation - the Isolde Potion creates a physical need for the other, not to be confused with love.
MARY SUE: That is so ungrateful of you, Severus, so ingrateful and - imperfect.
SNAPE: Mary Sue, it may pain you to hear this, but you do not belong in our world. In your heart, you know this to be true. You are, as you said, “uncanonical.” You thought you could fit into our world - but it is clear that you can never be happy with us.
MARY SUE: You spent too many years in your dungeon, Severus. Didn't anyone ever tell you about the wrath of a woman scorned?
MARY SUE transforms her prison robes into the garb of Xena the Warrior Princess. She conjures up a Jedi light-sabre. Her familiars transform themselves into rapacious predators, birds of prey, and poisonous serpents
And because I dwell in multiple fandoms, I can bring artifacts from across these other realms without rhyme or reason…
With her light sabre, MARY SUE slices SNAPE's wand in half. She then brings the tip of the humming light-sabre to SNAPE'S defenseless throat. He betrays no trace of fear.
I'll never go back to Earth-One! Never! No matter how bad things may be in your world, anything is better than what I had before. But first Severus, I am going to deal with you…... I could prolong your agonies for years or even decades - A swift and painless death would be the kindest thing I could provide for you now… In just a few moments, your severed head will be floating in a jar upon your old desk, along with all of your other slimy things.
SNAPE (with icy calm): You can kill me if you choose, Mary Sue, now or later. You can take our world by conquest, and none of us could stop you. But that's not what you really want - is it?
MARY SUE: How do you dare presume to know what I want, Snape!
SNAPE: It's all there in your fics, Mary Sue - what you truly desire. May I tell you what it is?
MARY SUE: You're on my shit list, Mister - OK, but talk fast.
SNAPE: You're willing to unleash violence against us, but it's really just a means to an end, isn't it? Mere mayhem isn't really what you're after, is it?
MARY SUE (uncertainly): No.
SNAPE: I know what it is you truly want. You want admiration - you want acclaim - you want millions of adoring fans following your every move, all waiting to see what you'll do next. You could compel us to adore you, but how much would that be worth? What you want is adulation and worship that is freely given - isn't that right, Mary Sue?
MARY SUE (quietly): Yes - that's right.
SNAPE: I know a place where you can have all of that - and more - all you have to do is let me send you there.
MARY SUE: I don't believe you, Snape - prove it - now!
SNAPE: Give me five minutes.
SNAPE takes NEVILLE'S laptop, and types furiously upon it for a few moments. He dims the lights and begins a Power Point demonstration.
SNAPE (showing a slide of multiple planet Earths): Earth-One, your world of origin, is only one of many such worlds I visited. When I discovered that you were missing from Earth-One's fanfic archives, I had a sudden inspiration. I spent the next two weeks searching for another parallel world - a world with one particular characteristic. Finally - I found such a world. Let us call it, for shorthand, Earth-Two.
The second slide shows a close-up of Earth-Two, followed by several slides depicting various Earth-Two scenes, in all appearances indistinguishable from our own
Again, this world resembles Earth-One very closely, in that it is utterly lacking in magic, and also possesses a rich tradition of mythical and fictional magic. But there is one slight - but for our purposes, extremely significant difference…..
MARY SUE: Difference?
SNAPE shows a series of split-screen slides depicting Earth-One scenes side by side with Earth-Two scenes. In the first, the left screen shows a bookstore with a display of all seven Harry Potter novels in its window, the right screen shows the same bookstore with a totally different display. The second: left screen shows a long line waiting to see Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone at the local multiplex - the right screen shows the same theatre with a completely different title on its marquee; the third - left shows a hotel lobby with hundreds of fans dressed in Potterverse costumes, the right shows the same hotel sparsely populated with only a few plainly dressed passersby, etc.
SNAPE: This is a series of photographs I took while time-turning through these alternate worlds. The left side of the screen depict the great popularity of the Harry Potter series on Earth-One - the right screen depicts a scene on Earth-Two, taken at the same exact time and location. Why are the Earth-Two scenes so different? The answer is simple: On Earth One, JK Rowling's parents met by chance when they happened to be passengers together upon the same train. On Earth-Two, due to a breakdown along their local railway system, the trains did not run that day. Rowling's parents were transported to their respective destinations via alternate routes and, accordingly, they never met. So J.K. Rowling was never born, and there was no one capable of receiving transmission from our world. Therefore, we do not exist on Earth Two, either in actual or fictitious form.
MARY SUE: Well, that's all very sad, of course, but who cares? - what difference does that make? The people on Earth Two aren't exactly pining away just because they never had the pleasure of your company. They don't even know what they're missing.
SNAPE: Exactly. Mary Sue, they don't know what they're missing - so you must go to Earth-Two and bring it to them. Take with you this complete set of the Harry Potter novels and the schoolbooks - and then assume the identity of Joann Kathleen Rowling. Bring our story to a world that hungers for it.
MARY SUE (suddenly grasping the implications of what Snape is proposing): The J.K. Rowling bio - a young beautiful idealistic woman, her mother's tragic death, abandoned by a worthless first husband, single mother forced to go on the dole - then, a sudden flash of inspiration, a boy wizard on a train, followed by years of hard work, outlining her novel on stray bits of paper while sipping coffee she could barely afford at the corner café, rejected by dozens of publishers - then - suddenly - success, wealth, acclaim, adoration, true love! Yes, it's so perfect - it's so me - holy cow, I will be richer than shit…..!!!
SNAPE switches off the Power Point program, and types in some coordinates. After retrieving and repairing his wand, he then conjures up a large trunk.
SNAPE: The correct coordinates have been set - all you need to do is give me your assent - and I will send you to Earth Two. I have everything prepared for your departure - a set of Rowling's complete works, several changes of clothing, forged identity papers, some Earth-Two currency to tide you over until you get The Philosopher's Stone published - as well as a CD-ROM that will instruct you in setting up the jkrowling.com website, with all kinds of diabolically clever ways of hiding all the little clues in it.
MARY SUE: Oh, Severus, I want to believe you but - but how do I know you're telling me the truth?
SNAPE: All you have to do is assign yourself the power of Legilimancy. And - uh - “read my mind.”
AMY wills herself the necessary powers to read SNAPE's mind, then laughs with joy.
AMY: Ohmygod, ohmygod, it is! It's true! It's all real!
SNAPE: But you must realize that Earth-Two is a world without magic - so you will have to relinquish your powers - and you can never return - not to Earth One - or to our Earth. You'll need to adopt a mode dress suitable for Earth-Two. (indicating the familiars). And they must stay behind, of course.
The familiars, changed back to their original form, begin crying, howling, screeching, etc. MARY SUE soothes them till they quiet. She transforms her Xena outfit into an ordinary blouse and slacks, with sensible shoes.
MARY SUE: You'll find good homes for them?
SNAPE (smiling): Of course. (pause) You must decide quickly, however: our world is only rarely in alignment with Earth-Two - within 15 minutes, they will move out of contact, and will not be aligned again for 300 years.
MARY SUE: 300 years!? But, Severus - what will become of you? The Isolde Potion doesn't affect me, since I'm not human, but you - once that impenetrable barrier is erected, you'll perish within a fortnight.
SNAPE (smiling ruefully): It's a sacrifice I'll gladly make for your happiness, as well as for this Earth. Besides, I'll live on forever - in the pages of those books from Earth-One - and soon, Earth-Two as well. Are you ready, then, Mary Sue - ready to depart?
MARY SUE: I am.
SNAPE: Stand right there - I must utter the spell that will open the portals between this world and Earth-Two.
SNAPE waves his wand imperiously as he shouts in a commanding voice
BEAM HER UP, SCOTTY!!!!!
Courtroom Ten's ceiling opens to reveal a vast trans-dimensional cosmos of such blazing splendor and complexity that only a centaur could fully appreciate. A narrow shaft of blinding incandescent white light penetrates Courtroom Ten. SNAPE takes both of MARY SUE'S hands into his.
SNAPE: All you need do is step into that beam of light - and it will transport you to Earth-Two in the year 1990.
MARY SUE (with tears in her glowing blue eyes): Oh, Severus, I must try to remember to feel really sad about you in a fortnight or so. I was so wrong about you - I came to think of you as selfish and uncaring and really a big jerk, and yet you've somehow achieved a true spiritual maturity, enunciating love's deepest and purest wisdom…..
MARY SUE strikes a pose as if to announce the moral of the story
“If there's something you love, set it free.”
NEVILLE (aside to ZABINI): And if it ever comes back, hunt it down and kill it.
MARY SUE: Farewell forever, then, Severus - one last kiss before I depart….
SNAPE: Goodbye, Mary Sue.
MARY SUE embraces SNAPE for what promises to be a long and passionate kiss, but then abruptly pulls away
MARY SUE: OK, let's get this show on the road. I've got a whole shitload of books here to copy out in long hand and start selling.
MARY SUE, carrying the trunk, vanishes as she enters the beam of light, which flares brightly and is then drawn up skywards. Courtroom Ten's ceiling reseals itself. As soon as she is gone, the dementors' robes turn black again.
SNAPE (aside, to himself): Somehow, I don't think Earth-Two's JK Rowling is going to be nearly as beloved as her Earth-One Counterpart.
Everyone is too stunned to move or speak for several seconds, until TONKS breaks the silence
TONKS: That is the damnedest thing I've ever seen.
Then all at once, the Heads of Unit rush toward SNAPE in great excitement. HERMIONE descends from the judge's bench, as NEVILLE and the Aurors crowd around him.
FLINT: Headmaster, are you OK?
CRABBE: Sir, that was amazing!
NEVILLE: Incredible!
LUNA: Headmaster, you were magnificent! That woman was insane - she was going to plunge our entire world into chaos - you risked your life for us - for everyone on earth!
GINNY: I mean, it was all your fault she came here in the first place, but hey, this is no time for nit-picking - Headmaster, that was an extraordinary display of raw heroism, and I know raw heroism….
HERMIONE: Thank God you're OK, Headmaster! Zabini, please return the dementors to Azkaban.
ZABINI: Yes, Minister. Look, they've turned back to normal! I feel totally depressed again and it's wonderful!
Exit ZABINI & the dementors, carrying out the re-caged familiars
HERMIONE: Neville, the Wizengamot jurors need to be taken to St. Mungo's to be de-petrified - could you and the Aurors escort them there?
NEVILLE: Right - Abercrombie, call St. Mungo's ER and tell them we're going to need about a dozen mandrakes.
Exit NEVILLE, and the Aurors, levitating the Wizengamot. Only SNAPE, CRABBE, HERMIONE and the four HEADS OF UNIT remain
HERMIONE (urgently): Headmaster, when Mary Sue mentioned the love potion - the Isolde Potion - saying that you drank it with her - please tell me she was lying……
SNAPE (long pause): No - what she said is true. Mary Sue, appealing to my pride, my vanity, my loneliness….my lust - persuaded me to drink the Isolde Potion in order to unite us with indissoluble bonds.
FLINT: The Isolde Potion - what's that? - I wasn't ever that great in Potions, you know.
HERMIONE: Isolde was a semi-mythical figure, a witch who was taken prisoner by the knight Tristan so that she could be wed perforce to King Mark of Cornwall. The pair drank a love potion of incredible power. Her fame is such that even the Muggles know of her existence - but the formula for her potion was suppressed centuries ago….it no longer exists.
SNAPE: Except that Mary Sue, with her ability to make totally impossible things occur, produced a flask of it.
TONKS: What's going to happen to you, Headmaster?
SNAPE: Those of you familiar with the legend will recall its tragic ending - how the wounded Tristan perished on a remote island after being forcibly parted from Isolde's company. In the event of death or a permanent separation from the beloved - if I may use so inapplicable a term with respect to my former consort - I am doomed to waste and wither away. (pause) I have at best a fortnight to live…
HERMIONE (trembling): The effects are said to be… irreversible and irrevocable…can't you produce a cure?
SNAPE slowly nods his head
SNAPE: When I realized the grave error I had made, I began researching for a possible antidote - without success. Not even mandrakes are effective against a potion of such power.
TONKS (on the verge of tears): You're going to die, then?
GINNY: Headmaster Snape, you all of you people should have known better than to….. I mean, how could you do such a stupid thing? (her voice breaks, and she is unable to continue for a few moments) Headmaster, you've sacrificed your happiness - your very life - for all of us - how could we have been so wrong about you?
TONKS (yelling): Goddamn you, Snape! We were all wrong about you because you wouldn't let any of us be right about you - you always drove us away, you always treated us like we were your worst enemies - you've never trusted us or granted us the least sign of respect - you made us all hate you, Snape - and now that you've finally shown us how brave and how true and how good you really are, you're going to go away and die on us! Goddamn you!
TONKS collapses on a table, her body wracked with sobs. LUNA very quietly approaches SNAPE
LUNA: Don't yell at him, Tonks. It's not the time or place.
LUNA takes both of his hands into hers
But she is right, you know, sir. Had you only asked it of us, we would have followed you to the ends of the earth. Instead…..
LUNA embraces SNAPE, as she begins weeping aloud. He somewhat awkwardly returns her embrace
….oh, it's so sad, it's so very sad.
FLINT approaches SNAPE, laying a hand on his shoulder, followed by CRABBE, who does likewise
FLINT: What great things we might have accomplished together, sir, what great things….
CRABBE: I'm so sorry, sir…
SNAPE steps away from them, and covers his face for a few moments, overcome with shame, guilt, sorrow and remorse.
SNAPE (his voice cracking with emotion): Too late I now realize all that - - that I did not better value the counsel and guidance of as wise and talented a staff as was ever assembled at Hogwarts - humility does not come easily to me, but I must humbly ask your forgiveness for subjecting you to my foolishness and pride. But, I can never forgive myself for so willfully squandering the great legacy bequeathed to me. This bitterly-acquired knowledge will confer to me the deepest pain and regret in the short amount of time I have left.
All that remains to me is to make as quiet and unobtrusive an exit as possible. There is a quiet alcove deep in the Forbidden Forest to which I must now depart, where I will spend my final few days. It is there I wished to be buried.
SNAPE approaches each of the characters in turn, embracing them as he says his farewell.
Professor Flint, thanks to all that you've to redeem Slytherin House - Crabbe, thank you for your loyalty and support - Professor Weasley, thank you for your skill and your passion for teaching and your outspokenness - Professor Lovegood - there is so deep a goodness in your heart that even I can't miss - and please, convey to your husband my apologies for all the ill-will I've bourn him - Professor Tonks, you've every right to be angry with me, but today I need your forgiveness….
TONKS (embracing him, weeping loudly): Of course, I forgive you….
SNAPE approaches HERMIONE, taking her hands in his
SNAPE: And Minister Granger-Weasley - Hermione - I know that it was you who lobbied the Governors on my behalf - thank you for having such faith in me - I only wish that I had been truly deserving of your support….
HERMIONE (crying uncontrollably as she embraces him) Oh, Severus...
HERMIONE and SNAPE hold their embrace for a long moment - finally, SNAPE steps back to address the whole group, who are now all weeping without restraint
SNAPE (fighting back tears): Before I go, I must first, effective immediately, tender my resignation as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizar-
Enter a wizened old man in wizard's robes, painfully supporting himself with a wooden staff - following behind is an elderly goat, bleating pitifully
OLD MAN: I was on my way to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magic Creatures, but I couldn't help but overhear all of your caterwauling as I passed by. Forgive an old man's intrusion, but I believe that I may be of some assistance to you.
CRABBE: Who are you, sir?
OLD MAN: I am the last survivor of my generation - My name is Dumbledore - Aberforth Dumbledore - and this is Betsy.
Betsy bleats piteously
HERMIONE (trying without success to wipe away her tears): Mr. Dumbledore, sir, this is quite a surprise - you disappeared so many years ago, we had all assumed you were - dead…
ABERFORTH: No, no, it's simply that a man like me prefers peace and quiet and solitude - but as I was saying, I believe I am in a position to be of some assistance to your Headmaster and his somewhat sticky situation. Perhaps you have heard something of the charges leveled against me many long years ago.
HERMIONE: Well, ah, yes - "inappropriate charms on a goat." - I was young at the time, and was too embarrassed to make detailed inquiries. (pause) What they said in the papers was that…..
HERMIONE whispers into ABERFORTH'S ear
ABERFORTH (cackling lightly): Oh, my, is that what they were all saying? Dear me, dear me. Makes me glad I never bothered with learning to read. No, the nature of my charges related to the research I was conducting, out on my little farm adjacent to Hogsmeade. I believed it possible to radically augment the curative powers of a goat's bezoar - hitherto known only as an antidote against poisons - as an all-purpose antidote against charms, jinxes, hexes, maladies - and potions - of all kinds. Back in the days when the Ministry maintained a strict monopoly on bezoar usage, my inquiries were discouraged by officialdom in the strongest manner possible. But following the end of the Second War, with a substantial inheritance from my late, noble brother, I retired to the Orkney Islands, in order to pursue my research, unencumbered. And, since under the enlightened leadership of Minister Granger-Weasley, all restrictions on bezoar research have been lifted, I was just on way to offer the Ministry this prototype of my all-purpose bezoar-plus formula.
GINNY: So you think this bezoar formula of yours, if it works like you think it should, will counteract the effects of any charm or hex or jinx- but what about the Isolde Potion?
ABERFORTH: I've never actually tested it on the Isolde Potion - never known anyone daft enough to drink it - but it has counteracted hexes of comparable malignancy. A demonstration of its restorative abilities on Headmaster Snape should suffice to prove its effectiveness once and for all. Please, Headmaster, take the flask - and handle it carefully, it is the only one I have.
SNAPE tentatively takes the flask from ABERFORTH, hesitates a moment, then turns resolute
SNAPE: Thank you sir. Yes, give me just a moment…
SNAPE drinks the potion - for a moment nothing happens, then he is surrounded by a mysterious radiance- he collapses, doubling over, and for a few moments remains immobile. The Heads of Unit, HERMIONE & CRABBE rush to him, all speaking at once.
TONKS: Headmaster, are you OK?
LUNA: How do you feel? Did it work?
GINNY: Are you hurt?
HERMIONE: Severus - are you all right?
FLINT: Sir? Can you talk? Is there anything you need?
CRABBE: Is there anything we can get for you…..?
Silently SNAPE struggles to feet - he seems confused and dazed for a few moments, then suddenly and unexpectedly, a radiant smile bursts upon his face
It All Turned Out Fine (to the tune of This Nearly Was Mine)
SNAPE:
One gal I adored
Close to despair I came
This was a terrible crisis
One draught from this brew
Heavy with grief and shame
Now, now I've come back
As SNAPE makes his big finish, everyone is once again in tears, albeit tears of happiness this time around. He exchanges joyous embraces with everyone in the group, except GINNY, who remains stand-offish
GINNY (as the excitement dies down a bit): Well, Headmaster - or former Headmaster - it's great that you're not going to just wither up and pine away from the Isolde Potion - but the fact remains that you've just tendered your resignation, and it's up to Hermione - I mean Minister Granger-Weasley - whether or not to submit it to the Governors. We just want to set a few things straight - are we going to retain your Units A-D or are we going back to the old House system?
SNAPE: I now understand how presumptuous it was of me to set myself in opposition to the accumulated wisdom of the Founders and their descendants. Yes, the four original Houses will be restored. We'll have the Sorting Hat returned to Hogwarts.
FLINT: And Quidditch teams?
SNAPE: Competitive sports, including Quidditch, will be resumed - I will later apologize to the students for costing them an entire season.
LUNA: And you'll rehire the house elves and get rid of the MREs?
SNAPE: Yes, yes, yes, we can restore the traditional banquets, rehire the house-elves - (pause, then a great sigh) But what difference does it make what I decide now? The school year is nearly over - even if I rescind all of my previous decrees, the damage that they've done - the damage that I've done - can't possibly be repaired in time. My sole defense to the Governors was that my decrees were helping raise Hogwarts' academic achievements - which I now know was only due to Mary Sue's intervention. The Governors are meeting next week, and they're certain to demand my resignation. (pause) Perhaps the next Headmaster will permit me to return to the Potions Dungeon…..
GINNY (smiling mischievously): Shall we tell him?
LUNA: Let's.
CRABBE: Well, sir, after Mary Sue was sent to Azkaban, you were spending nearly all of your time away from your office. It gave your remaining staff here considerable freedom of action.
TONKS: And, as you may have noticed, we're not exactly the kind of people who sit around and twiddle their thumbs. …
GINNY: And the Four Heads of Unit - aka Heads of House - all promised Hermione we would do whatever we could to make your reign a success.
LUNA: So, shortly after Mary Sue's arrest, Crabbe approached us, and told us that he could provide us with full access to your office during the times that you were out….
FLINT: So we met there each day, while Crabbe stood watch for us.
TONKS: And the four of us all put our heads together and came up with a few codicils to your Educational Decrees……
FLINT: That is to say, we revoked them in their entirety….
CRABBE: And although I renounced the Dark Arts many years ago, I have developed some degree of skill in forging signatures (imitating SNAPE'S voice perfectly) as well as in performing vocal impersonations.
FLINT: So, under your name, Educational Decrees 412-416 were cancelled….
LUNA: ……and replaced with Educational Decrees 417-421…which read as follows:
GINNY: “Educational Decree 417: This decree declares ED 412 as null and void. Units A, B, C, & D are to be abolished. The former Houses - Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin are to be restored. The Sorting Hat is to be immediately returned to Hogwarts to resume its venerable functions. Signed, Severus Snape.”
TONKS: “Educational Decree 418: This decree nullifies ED 413. Third-year and above students with a signed permission slip and earning appropriate grades will be permitted to visit Hogsmeade Village independently on designated weekends. With appropriate faculty escort, first and second years will now be permitted to make field trips to Hogsmeade, as long as they maintain a satisfactory grade level. Signed, Severus Snape.”
FLINT: “Educational Decree 419: This decree nullifies ED 414. Quidditch teams, organized by House, will once again be permitted to compete. To assure a greater degree of student participation, each House will sponsor two teams, a Junior League team for First-Third Year students, and a Senior League team for Fourth-Seventh Years. Signed, Severus Snape.”
LUNA: “Educational Decree 420: This decree nullifies ED 415. Hogwarts agrees to allow the Potter Foundation to uproad the contents of its library to the Witchcraft & Wizardry Worldbook. In exchange, the Foundation will pay an annual stipend to Hogwarts for the rights to the exclusive on-lane distribution of this material. Signed Severus Snape.”
CRABBE: “Educational Decree 421: This decree nullifies ED 416. Hogwarts will rehire all of the house elf staff laid off at the beginning of the year, including appropriate compensation for those elves unable to find employment after the lay-offs. In addition, Hogwarts is pleased to offer free tuition to the children of its house elf staff, since it is clear that house elves will never become full citizens of magic society without access to the same educational opportunities now enjoyed by humans.”
HERMIONE (sheepishly): Ah - I had a bit of input on that last one.
FLINT: Within a week of issuing those decrees, we had about 99% of our departed faculty and students back.
CRABEE: Along with a high percentage of Durmstrang students and staff.
GINNY: It turns out that Durmstrang wasn't quite as nice a place as Karkaroff made it out to be.
LUNA: Especially his liberal use of corporal punishment.
TONKS: And the mandatory “Offense Against Defense Against the Dark Arts” classes.
GINNY: Not to mention the chronic sub-zero weather.
CRABBE: So things have been running like a top at Hogwarts ever since.
FLINT: In spite of the late start, we were able to get in a full Quidditch season. Hufflepuff beat Gryffindor in the Junior League Championship match last night. And the Senior League Championship match between Ravenclaw and Slytherin will be starting in about an hour. I promised the team I wouldn't be late.
LUNA: To address the needs of less athletically-talented students, we hired a full-time instructor to lead classes in Physical Education. Kreacher was very happy to accept the position, and has been doing a wonderful job.
CRABBE: And we gave the rest of the MREs to our new Care of Magic Creatures instructor. It turns out they make the ideal diet for flobberworms. They've never been healthier or sturdier.
Throughout the reading of the decrees and subsequent dialogue, SNAPE has been looking angrier and angrier - the afterglow of his redemption is definitely wearing off.
SNAPE (exploding in rage): I'll admit my decrees were poorly thought out - I'll concede I neglected my Headmaster duties these last several months - but to go behind my back in this underhanded, devious, dishonorable way, putting in place policies that will surely condemn Hogwarts to third-rate academic status is simply…..I may have only a week left as Headmaster, but I guarantee that the five of you will rue these acts of treachery while……
SNAPE is interrupted in his tirade by an owl, which flutters in to deliver a magazine to HERMIONE
HERMIONE (taking the magazine in hand): Great! - I asked them to owl it to me the moment it was off the presses.
FLINT: What is it?
HERMIONE (displaying it to all): It's the latest US Owl and Orb Report - their annual survey of the world's top Wizarding schools.
GINNY: With Snape's face on the cover!
SNAPE (reading the cover): 'SEVERUS SNAPE: EDUCATOR OF THE YEAR' (flabbergasted) What? How can that be!???
FLINT: What does it say?
TONKS: Yeah, what?
LUNA: What?
SNAPE (despite himself): Yeah, what?
HERMIONE (flipping through the pages): Let me see, page 39, here it is: “Due to the plethora of top-flight institutions and highly talented educators throughout the globe, as well as the widely divergent opinions of our editorial staff, it is usually difficult for us to reach a
consensus as we try to select the Wizarding World's top school. But for the 2018-2019 fiscal year, our choice was an easy
one: we unanimously voted The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry as the winner in every major category.
Hogwarts' staff all agree that the school's success can be attributed to one man. After more than a decade of decline, Hogwarts sharply reversed its course under the dynamic leadership of its new Headmaster, Severus Snape.
“Although Snape got off to what might be described as something of a rough start (many students and faculty briefly abandoned the school in favor of Durmstrang toward the beginning of the year), his flair for innovation, and willingness to mesh experimentation along with a renewal of tradition resulted in a dramatic turnaround for the 1000-year-old British institution. Snape's most original advance was to enter into a cooperative arrangement with his old ally and former student Harry Potter, and his newly-established Potter Foundation. Snape allowed Hogwarts' vast library to be uproaded in its entirety to the Witchcraft and Wizardry Worldbook. The result - Hogwarts Library On-Lane - is an informational resource of stupendous and unparalleled magnitude. Additionally, Snape persuaded George Weasley, CEO of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes to donate state-of-the-art disktops and labtops for all students and faculty. 'Snape reminded me of the days when my late brother Fred and I were financially struggling students, and how the cost of the computer equipment would have been a burden on a large family like ours,' said CEO Weasley. 'I just want to help make a difference to students, especially those who were in our situation, as well as to support Snape, who is bringing his trademark boldness and imagination to the task of educating our youth.'
“'Having this information so readily available has made a huge difference for our students,' said Divination Professor Luna Lovegood, 'Students used to waste hours trying to find anything in that chaotic library of ours. Now, students are able to access the necessary information so much more quickly and conveniently, and their learning has sky-rocketed exponentially. And we've only had this in place since January - I predict that the students will do even better after having access for an entire year.'
Snape himself was not available for comment (“he's teaching a Remedial Potions class for struggling students - likes to keep his oar in the water, our Headmaster does', explained spokesman Vincent Crabbe), but his Heads of House were unstinting in their praise. “'Sure, we've had a little friction here and there, though to hear The Daily Prophet describe it, you'd think we were in open rebellion or something,' Professor of Charms Ginny Weasley told our reporter. 'What makes Snape so refreshing is his willingness to listen to criticism, to recognize when changes need to made. Earlier this year, we went to him with some of our complaints, and ever since he's gone out of his way to accommodate us."
Her colleague, Transfiguration Professor Marcus Flint agreed. 'His office has literally been open to us ever since.'
“Due to the generous annual stipend that the Potter Foundation pays to Hogwarts for the exclusive distribution rights to its library, Crabbe said, Snape plans to greatly expand the Hogwarts curriculum next year. 'Several years ago, when the French Dark Lord Ilias Yocaris mocked Hogwarts for its strictly utilitarian approach to education, Snape saw the merit in his argument, despite the fact that he was French,” explained Crabbe. Beginning next year, Hogwarts will offer courses in History of Magical Literature, History of Magical Poetry, Magical Art Appreciation, Magic Realism, Magic Theatre, Magical Sociology, Magical Home Economics, Magical Needlepoint as well as Choir/Toad-Handling.'
LUNA: We did think Mary Sue had some good ideas.
HERMIONE: “Snape has also hired House-Elves to serve as Hogwarts faculty, a first for a Wizarding World educational institution. Winky will become Hogwarts' first Professor of Home Economics while her husband Kreacher will continue to serve as Professor of Physical Education (leading all students in mandatory calisthenics). 'Other institutions may give lip service to diversity, but Snape has truly guaranteed that Hogwarts will give our magical brethren their full and equal rights' said Defense Against Dark Arts Professor Nymphadora Tonks.
“Independent analysts confirm that the average Hogwarts student is now operating academically at least a year above his or her class level. But despite the increased strength of their academic performance, students in all four houses report that they still have enough free time to sneak into the kitchen to beg food from the house-elves, find secret tunnels into Hogsmeade, raise baby dragons and Acromantulas in their dorms, and swig Butterbeer till the wee hours of the morning, thus making Hogwarts the top partying school in the Wizarding World for the eighth straight ….Continued on page 87…”
She starts to turn the page, when a second owl delivers the latest Daily Prophet (the old fashioned off-lane dead scroll edition) to her. She gives the paper to SNAPE.
SNAPE (reading from The Prophet): “GOVERNORS UNANIMOUSLY VOTE TO RETAIN SNAPE AS HOGWARTS HEADMASTER - The Hogwarts Board of Governors met a week earlier than scheduled to offer Headmaster Severus Snape a ten-year extension on his contract, along with a generous increase in salary. Rumors of lucrative offers pouring in from rival schools across the globe prompted this early decision. 'While we have no reason to doubt Snape's deep-rooted loyalty to Hogwarts,' said Gubernatorial Chair Susan Bones, 'we decided we ought to take nothing for granted. And this ten-year contract - something the Governors have never offered before in all of Hogwarts' 1000-year history - is a way of uniquely affirming our support for the superb leadership offered by Snape, who seems to be well on his way to becoming the next Albus Dumbledore.'
SNAPE, torn by violent emotion, turns aside from the group, seemingly unable to speak. ABERFORTH quietly approaches him
ABERFORTH (aside to SNAPE):: It's quite a mystery, isn't it, young man?
SNAPE (aside to ABERFORTH): Mystery? What mystery? Once again, I've been made the butt of the whole joke- to them I'm just Snivellus - stripped of all dignity, sent defenseless to the Shrieking…..
ABERFORTH (aside to SNAPE): No, no, no. It's a mystery how such a dunderhead as you ever become Headmaster. By your own admission, you willfully squandered a mighty inheritance and deserve nothing better than to cast down, scorned and mocked, deemed henceforth to be unworthy of the slightest regard. Despite your utter disgrace, you are on the verge of achieving every goal you ever sought after.
ABERFORTH gestures toward the other six characters, who instantly become frozen.
You claim to be a Legilimencist - but now, you don't have to read minds. just look at their faces - Do you see mockery? or scorn? I only see respect and gratitude, mixed some anxiety over what course of action you're about to take. I see a loyalty stronger than Goyle's invisible shield that is yours for the asking. What you are seeing is magic at its deepest, its most impenetrable level: unrequited grace, unmerited salvation. You lost the game, yet it was won for you -you must decide if you are going to be a good loser or a sore winner. The choice is, dear Headmaster, is yours….as are the consequences….
As ABERFORTH steps back. the group is re-animated. SNAPE suddenly wheels on them, seemingly still enraged
SNAPE: The actions of the Heads of House and my Administrative Assistant are outrageous (pause) that it to say, it is absolutely outrageous that I failed to recognize until now your sterling and extraordinary effort on Hogwarts' behalf, and your brilliant success in restoring her to her former eminence. I can only ask, that if you will accept my heart-felt apologies, and allow me to withdraw my resignation - I will henceforth be tireless in my efforts to support your work - and to assure you that the most generous monetary recompense that I can finagle from the Governors will be forthcoming.
GINNY: I move to request Minister Granger-Weasley not to submit Snape's resignation to the Governors.
HERMIONE: So moved - is there a second?
TONKS: Seconded.
HERMIONE: The motion is on the floor then - shall we allow Snape to withdraw his tendered resignation? All those in favor say “aye.”
HEADS OF HOUSE & CRABBE: Aye!
HERMIONE: Opposed? The ayes have it - and, Severus, the governors were most anxious that I present their contract to you at the earliest possible opportunity.
HERMIONE displays the elaborately beribboned and colorfully illuminated contract. SNAPE steps forward without visible emotion, takes the contract, briefly scans each of its pages, then flips to the final page, and, taking the quill that CRABBE holds before him, signs his name with a dramatic flourish.
SNAPE (smiling broadly): And now I believe there is a Quidditch championship that requires our urgent attention.
SNAPE again goes through another round of handshakes and embraces with the group.
GINNY: I'd wondered how you became so computer-proficient, Headmaster - so, it was all through your visiting the parallel worlds.
FLINT: Why, then, have you been so opposed to introducing this technology to the Wizarding World?
SNAPE: First of all, you now should all realize the potential dangers inherent in inter-parallel trans-world travel. Until we learn some method of blocking access to our dimension, who knows what other kinds of parallel-world menaces could enter our Earth through the electronic ether of the Witchcraft & Wizardry Worldbook?
GINNY: My father is a genius at this sort of thing - you know, a real computer Greek. I'll ask him about it - maybe he can come up with a pitch.
At last! SNAPE has found something he can explode over in good conscience
SNAPE: A pitch? (pause) The correct term is “patch.” And it's “geek,” not Greek! “On-line,” not “on-lane!” “Upload,” not “uproad!” Desktop! Laptop! URL! If your father is truly the Muggle-lover he claims to be, the least he could do is record their terminology with some degree of accuracy, and refrain from the cutesy malapropisms. (pause) But another reason I'm opposed to the introduction of this technology is that it's the greatest time-waster ever imagined. Hermione, if only you could have seen the billions of hours Earth-One children - and adults - squandered through playing idiotic computer games, not to mention….
HERMIONE: Games….for the computers….you know, I don't think George has thought of that yet…you say there might be a market for them?
SNAPE looks ready to re-explode. HERMIONE laughs
Severus, I'm just kidding - I'm totally on your side on this issue, I'm fully aware that computers can be tremendous time-wasters - I was raised as a Muggle, after all - when the Ministry started using magic computers, I had them designed to prohibit games - and a few other things as well, especially salacious photo-….
Betsy bleats and keels over. ABERFORTH takes her into his arms, and cradles her closely
ABERFORTH: I'm afraid all of the excitement was a bit too much for Betsy. (sighing deeply). Poor little thing - well, she was old….
GINNY: Oh, no! Now you won't be able to patent your bezoar formula……
ABERFORTH (brightening up a little): I've got plenty more goats back on the island, and it's just a question of raising another one just like her (pause) Maybe I can get a grant from that Potter Foundation they're all talking about these days.
LUNA: I can guarantee it - I'll talk to my husband.
SNAPE (to ABERFORTH): I'm not good at this, sir, but…I'm sorry your little goat perished, and that you lost the fruits of your long research. I swear to you, sir, that her sacrifice will not have been in vain. And I shall long remember the insightful words you shared with me.
ABERFORTH: Thank you Headmaster - just promise me that you'll always consult with your illustrious predecessor, my little brother Albus, as well as his junior companion Phineas Nigellus, on all of your major decisions from now on.
SNAPE: Certainly, certainly, sir.
GINNY: I'm so sorry about your little goat. But, please, sir, come back with us to Hogwarts for the championship Quidditch game tonight.
ABERFORTH: No, no, all those young people whizzing around in 57 different directions on their new-fangled broomsticks - too much excitement for a man of my years - you just be off and enjoy yourselves - I've got to be getting home, me and my poor little Betsy.
HERMIONE embraces ABERFORTH warmly, and kisses him on the cheek
HERMIONE Goodbye sir - you'll never know how much good you did here tonight.
ABERFORTH (cackling aloud): My, my. I've lived for many years, and I've never seen a Minister of Magic as pretty as you. Goodbye, goodbye then…..
Exit ALL, except “ABERFORTH” - satisfied that the coast is clear, he takes out his wand and transfigures himself back to ALBUS DUMBLEDORE and Betsy the goat into PHINEAS NIGELLUS
NIGELLUS (in offended tones): "Junior companion?"
DUMBLEDORE: Quite my junior in length of service - your seven years vs. my 34.
NIGELLUS: Of all the unpleasant things to be transfigured into - and it's going to take a week to get the taste of tin can out of my mouth. Why I let you talk me into these things I'll never know. What was the point of this whole charade?
DUMBLEDORE: Why, to effect a cure for Severus, of course. And your brilliantly-executed death scene, followed by Aberforth's re-disappearance, should put an end to any inquiries about the Bezoar Plus formula.
NIGELLUS: Honestly, it's a good thing for you that goats can't laugh. I could have never kept a straight face in human form.
How can you expect to get away with that nonsense about an all-purpose bezoar when what you gave Severus was a worthless placebo? You know perfectly well that there's no such thing as an antidote to the Isolde potion
DUMBLEDORE: Quite true, quite true, but there is a vaccine - a man who remains faithful to his previous love is immune to Isolde's effects. Severus met her many long years ago and he has never betrayed her.
NIGELLUS: How can that be? He's been banging Mary Sue for months. Who then is Snape's true love?
DUMBLEDORE: Why, Hogwarts of course. Severus could partake of the Isolde Potion without consequence because he sincerely thought he was acting in Hogwarts' best interests. He thought Amy - that is, Mary Sue - was truly an outstanding candidate for Potions Master and thought that he was not only binding Mary Sue to himself but also to his school. You see, he was never actually unfaithful.
NIGELLUS: That is a plot twist so contrived that not even one of Mary Sue's authors would stoop to touch it. Then, if the Isolde potion was powerless to affect him, why are we even here?
DUMBLEDORE: Think of it as a sort of team-building exercise. Severus needed to learn a little humility, and respect for his staff, just as they needed to learn the true measure of the man who has become their Headmaster - for unfortunately, he's always been his own worst advocate.
NIGELLUS: Sir, you are underhanded, devious, dissembling, conniving, calculating, manipulative, and far more the devoted disciple of Machiavelli's half-priced Prince than Severus ever was.
DUMBLEDORE: But that's too one-sided a list, Phineas - you must know that I have a few bad qualities as well.
NIGELLUS (snorting): So I suppose that now everyone will live happily ever after.
DUMBLEDORE (laughing): Oh, heavens, no. More than likely, they'll be at each other's throats again within a few months. Severus will swear that he's never seen a bigger group of dunderheads and the Heads of House will bitterly regret that they didn't oust him when they had the chance. And then they'll sit down and work out a reasonable compromise. Because now, underneath all their bickering and quarreling and discord - there's an underlying respect and loyalty and - dare I say - love?
NIGELLUS: Let's just stick with "respect" and "loyalty."
DUMBLEDORE: Hogwarts will be faced with difficult years ahead - as difficult as anything I ever faced during the First and Second Voldemort Wars. Hogwarts will need Severus' courage, strength and tenacity to survive - but now he knows that he can do nothing without the support of his loyal faculty - and that they will be loyal to him so long as he is supportive of them. (pause) And of course, he'll have us.
NIGELLUS: The powers behind the throne. Well, Albus, we still have a few hours before we must return to the realm of two dimensions. Do you propose to waste the remainder of our time spouting Gryffindor gobbledygook at me? Or shall we use it wisely?
DUMBLEDORE: I was about to offer the same suggestion - I suggest we repair ourselves to The Hogs Head, Aberforth's erstwhile establishment, and exchange a few toasts in my late brother's honor - I've been wishing for some time to show you the improvements made there in recent years, particularly their acquisition of a delightful Muggle invention known as a “jukebox.”
NIGELLUS: Lead the way, old friend, lead the way. By the way, what was it that Aberforth was actually accused of with respect to his goat?
DUMBLEDORE whispers into NIGELLUS' EAR
NIGELLUS (shocked). Really? Leather thongs?
Exit the Two Headmasters.
SCENE THREE: Before Courtroom Ten. LAVENDER BROWN is about to make another Magi-Cast for the Daily Prophet OnLane.
BROWN: This is Lavender Brown, reporting live from Courtroom Ten at the Ministry of Magic. In an extraordinary wrap-up to the murder trial of Amy Sumeria, Headmaster Severus Snape today revealed that Professor Sumeria, who has been his lover for several months, was actually an avatar named “Mary Sue,” an originally fictitious character, who, having Embodied herself, came to our world from a parallel world Snape has identified as Earth-One, in which all of us also exist, but only fictitiously. The court sentenced Professor Sumeria to exile in a second parallel world where she will become rich and famous beyond her wildest dreams by writing accurate stories about our world during the Second War which she will pass off as fiction. But before departing, Sumeria cast a spell on 12 members of the Wizengamot, turning them to solid rock. The petrified wizards are being treated with mandrakes in St. Mungo's emergency room. Snape himself was cured of the effects of the deadly Isolde Love Potion by the timely intervention of ….
Enter HERMIONE, accompanied with a squad of armed Aurors
HERMIONE: Lavender, I'm very sorry, but I had to pull the plug on your Magi-Cast. The Wizarding World just isn't ready to deal with the existence of parallel worlds as yet, so the Department of Mysteries wants to keep it a lid on it for now. Additionally, the Ministry is committed to do all we can to keep Headmaster Snape from looking totally ridiculous, at least for now. So, no reporting on Mary Sue. This whole story has been classified as a Code 17.
BROWN: Minister, this is censorship - we're not going to stand for….
HERMIONE: You're right, Lavender - it is censorship of the press, and although I've always thought of it as authoritarian and fascist, I now have to admit that it does come in useful on some occasions. If you fail to comply, I am authorized to suspend your On-Lane edition, confiscate your remaining delivery owls, and re-seal your editor back in a jar for 10 years. Not to mention the obligatory memory spells.
BROWN (with a look of deep disgust): OK, you win.
HERMIONE: Thank you, Lavender - when I'm re-elected, I'm going to seriously look into the gradual introduction of genuine freedom of the press in the Wizarding World - but till then, here's the official cover-up story we would like you to Magi-Cast.
BROWN takes the scroll from HERMIONE with a look of disgust
HERMIONE (innocently, without rancor): Do you mind if I stand and watch? I've never seen a Magi-Cast done live before. Just go right ahead, pretend like I'm not even here.
TECHNICIAN: Three-Two-One
BROWN scowls at HERMIONE, but resumes her neutral tone for the Magi-Cast
BROWN: “This is Lavender Brown, reporting live from Courtroom Ten at the Ministry of Magic. In an extraordinary wrap-up to the trial of Amy Sumeria, she was today acquitted on charges of murdering self-proclaimed Dark Lord Gregory Goyle, but was convicted on a lesser charge of inappropriate self-defense. She received a suspended sentence from the Wizengamot after agreeing to return to her alma mater, Wollaston on Canada's Victoria Island. Sumeria said she hoped to help the school rebuild from the after-effects of a massive earthquake which struck the remote academic institution earlier in the year.
“Following the trial, 12 members of the Wizengamot were hospitalized at St. Mungo's. Emergency Room. Healers quickly diagnosed the ailment as a slight indigestion from eating improperly prepared toadstools. The twelve are now being treated and are expected to be released within nine to ten months.”
BROWN (glaring at Hermione): Satisfied, now?
HERMIONE: Yes, you know, you're quite good, I really admire that very professional tone you use in your Magi-Casts. Very polished - well, carry on then, Lavender, all the rest of today's news passes muster with us. I'll see you soon.
EXIT HERMIONE & the Aurors
BROWN: In other news: the Durmstrang Governors are today expected to decide the fate of Headmaster Igor Karkaroff. Although Karkaroff won great acclaim after luring a number of Hogwarts students and faculty to Durmstrang earlier in the year, his attempts to add capital punishment along with corporal punishment to the school's disciplinary code, as well as his “Offense Against Defense Against The Dark Arts” curriculum, have led to the departure of over 99% of the former student body. One reliable source suggests that not only will Karkaoff's resignation will be demanded, but that he may be sentenced to an Arctic Island exile…..
Black-out
SCENE FOUR: The Headmaster's Office, midsummer 2019, late one afternoon, about a year after the beginning of the play. The office is furnished as it was before, except that there is now a large desktop computer on SNAPE'S desk, as well as a new display case bearing a dozen or so golden trophies, “EDUCATOR OF THE YEAR” , “WIZARD OF THE YEAR”, etc, which SNAPE has spent the summer collecting. As the scene opens, we discover SNAPE, dressed in his most formal attire, seated at his desk, deeply engrossed in re-reading a dog-eared paperback copy of JK Rowling's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
SNAPE (to himself): Yes, yes…..that's exactly how it happened - when I was at Spinners End - that's precisely how Felix Felicis and I stubbed the Toe-Nail of Icklibõgg…..
An owl flutters through an open window and drops a red envelope. SNAPE looks at the envelope and smirks, as he opens the message with his wand
SNAPE: Can't afford a cell-phone, Igor?
HOWLER: I SWEAR TO YOU, SNAPE, YOU'VE NOT HEARD THE LAST OF IGOR KARKAROFF. I MAY BE FREEZING NOW, BUT AS SOON AS I CAN GET OFF THIS ISLAND, I SWEAR TO YOU, I'LL RAISE A WHOLE NEW GENERATION OF DARK LORDS TO OPPOSE YOU - AS SOON AS I CAN OPEN A NEW DARK ARTS SCHOOL, I SWEAR TO YOU I WILL.!!!!
The Howler dissolves. SNAPE does a triumphant little dance around his office
SNAPE: Yes! Yes! Yes! Eat dragon dung, Igor! Except you can't find too many dragons when it's 75 below zero, can you, you loser?
SNAPE realizes that the portraits are watching
I truly do realize that it is tremendously immature and infantile of me to gloat about this - so don't tell anyone. (resuming his dance). Who's your daddy, Igor, who's your daddy? (laughs)
DUMBLEDORE: You're perfectly entitled to a little private gloat - just remember when they ask you about it tonight at the opening ceremonies…
NIGELLUS: …that you remember to look solemn and a bit troubled, and say something like, “I am deeply saddened by the recent setbacks suffered by former Headmaster Karkaroff, one of my oldest and dearest friends…”
SNAPE (brightly): “…a man of great talents and capabilities…”
DUMBLEDORE: “….but knowing him as I do, I am confident that his unquestioned aptitudes will soon restore him to his proper place.” And then think to yourself: Karkaroff, humbled though he now may be, is not without resources. He might very well rise again and make good his threat.
SNAPE (laughing): I know, “Constant, Unceasing Vigilance.” But today I can only quote the Muggle philosopher Nietzsche: “He who laughs best today will also laugh last.”
NIGELLUS: Severus, I believe you're becoming an optimist…
SNAPE: Of course not, I'm still the same hard-eyed realist I always was. I'm just a bit more positively hard-eyed in my outlook these days. (pause) It's only to the two of you that could I ever say this, but I find that I'm actually looking forward to seeing Potter tonight. (pause) Reading Rowling's novels has given me a different perspective on Potter - I realize that I often misjudged him, blamed him for being James' son….perhaps I've been wrong about Potter all these years - I'll never give him the satisfaction of saying that to him, of course, but nevertheless I was wrong. Perhaps it's not too late to repair the breach….
DUMBLEDORE: I'll think you'll find that Potter is more than willing to meet you halfway - as he said to me the other…..
A cell-phone rings. SNAPE retrieves it from inside his robes.
SNAPE: Headmaster Snape here. Good evening, Crabbe. Excellent - the Floo link to the Riddle House is now operational, then? Excellent - yes, I'm nearly ready (pause, then annoyed). Yes, I did remember to shower and floss! Thank you, Crabbe, I expect to be there within minutes. I will take my seat at the Head Table, then - see you then (to the portraits). Well, how do I look?
NIGELLUS: Every inch a Headmaster, sir.
DUMBLEDORE: You will make a splendid portrait someday, Severus.
A knock on the door.
SNAPE: Come in.
Enter TONKS - she too is dressed in very formal attire, and looks stunningly beautiful
TONKS: Sir - if you can spare a moment? We probably won't get a chance to talk at the opening ceremonies, I just wanted to stop in and say goodbye.
SNAPE: So then, today is your final day at Hogwarts, Professor Tonks?
TONKS: Yes sir, I'll be working now for the Potter Foundation - and don't blame Harry, sir, he didn't ask me to join him, I inquired on my own. (pause) It's rather ironic - remember several months ago, when you were about to suspend me, you predicted I would have a brilliant career in the theatre? Well, Harry - the Potter Foundation -feels that the dramatic arts have languished in the Wizarding World during the last few generations - to reverse that, they're opening a chain of new theatres for live drama. We're starting with two theatres, one in London and in one in Hogsmeade.
SNAPE: I'll have to make sure that Hogwarts makes a show of force at your Hogsmeade premiere.
TONKS (smiling): No, no, I won't be appearing on stage - I'll be the business manager - nothing very glamorous about it, but I'll be able to guarantee that the graduates of Hogwarts' theatrical school will have a few jobs waiting for them. (pause) Is the hiring for the vacant positions going all right, Headmaster?
SNAPE: Yes, very well, thank you. Cho Chang-Fletch-Finchley, who you referred to us, seems like an excellent candidate for Defense Against Dark Arts position - we'll likely be making her an offer - once I complete the background check, of course. And of course, Winky, our Magic Home Economics Professor, is taking over tonight as the new Head of Hufflepuff House.
TONKS: Yes, I just turned all of my keys over to her. She's very proud. You're really making history, Headmaster. Winky will be the first-ever House-Elf Head of House in any Wizarding educational institution.
SNAPE glances up at DUMBLEDORE'S portrait
SNAPE: That was at the suggestion of one of my - advisers - “Only Nixon can go to China,” he told me. I anticipate that Winky will do quite well, provided we can keep her off the butterbeer, of course. Finally, Professor Weasley was kind enough to refer her brother Percy for the vacant Potions Master post. He's just accepted our offer - I believe he will be a superb educator, the two of us see eye to eye on the question of dunderheads. (taking a deep breath) You did a splendid job here for many years, Professor Tonks - you will be greatly missed…..
They shake hands cordially. TONKS walks toward the door, and is about to exit
But since things have been improving here so much recently, might I ask why you're leaving Hogwarts now?
TONKS (facing away from Snape): Oh, no! I was afraid you were going to ask me that ….
A long pause - TONKS resumes speaking, still facing away from SNAPE
….. but you deserve to know the truth….For many years you aroused incredibly strong feelings in me - I thought I hated you, but during the last year I finally realized that I'm so much in love with you, Headmaster. I've loved you for many, many years. And I knew all along that you could never return my love, so I pretended to myself that what I felt was hatred. But now- I'm facing the truth and, damn it, I just don't do that unrequited love thing very well. I love Hogwarts, I love my co-workers and I love my job, but I can only be miserable if I stay here because I won't have you. So, I just need to say goodbye, you know, no hard feelings, I have to rebuild my life and go somewhere where I can try to forget all about you.
SNAPE comes up behind her, laying his hands tenderly on her shoulders.
SNAPE: As you're surely aware, Professor Tonks, there can be no possibility of an intimate relationship between us….
TONKS (resigned): I know, I know...
SNAPE: …..as long as you continue to be an employee of Hogwarts. Therefore, I would like to request that you move up the effective time of your resignation from midnight tonight to - what time is it now?
NIGELLUS (aside, to SNAPE) : 5:57 p.m.
SNAPE: Let us say 5:55 p.m. If this is acceptable to you, then I would very much desire your company for tonight's opening ceremonies.
TONKS turns back to face SNAPE, not sure if he is really serious
SNAPE: As a mere Headmaster, I have but little hope of upstaging Potter and all of the other glamorous celebrities and Ministerial bigwigs tonight. My only hope of catching the attention of the attendant paparazzi is to arrive with a photogenic young woman clinging to my arm, preferably one who boasts tresses of some outrageous hue.
TONKS: If you put it that way, then - I submit my resignation from Hogwarts to you, Headmaster Snape, effective immediately. And though I don't have my Palmpilot with me to confirm this, I think I neglected to arrange for an escort this evening…..
SNAPE speed-dials CRABBE
SNAPE: Crabbe? Have another place set at the Head-Table. Yes, of course, right next to my place, you idiot. I'm bringing my main squeeze. I'll see you momentarily.
SNAPE takes TONKS in his arms
And please - call me Severus.
TONKS: And please call me - call me Tonks.
He kisses her tenderly - the two portraits give each other the thumbs-up sign
TONKS (sighing as she clings to SNAPE): Wotcher, Severus.
SNAPE: Now Tonks, before you get involved too deeply, I must remind you that, despite unfounded rumors of my reformation, I am still surly, vindictive, hostile, snarky, petty, malicious, spiteful, stubborn, prideful, abrasive, malcontented, and I can only be persuaded to bathe with the most militant coercion.
TONKS: But that's too one-sided a list, Severus - I'm sure that you have a few bad qualities as well.
They kiss again
All I know is that I'm going to be the envy of every woman at tonight's ceremonies - not to mention all your fans on Earth-One
SNAPE: “I? - that am rudely stamped and want love's majesty to strut before the wanton ambling nymph?”
TONKS (sighing rapturously): A man who can quote Shakespeare makes me feel all week at the knees.
SNAPE: The opening ceremonies are what they describe as a heavily scripted event. My administrative assistant, who rules this office with an iron fist, has promised that I will feel the fires of his wrath if I do not arrive promptly at 6 p.m. We must be off at once. May I offer you my arm, Tonks?
TONKS: You know, Severus, even after you reverted back to your old appearance, your complexion still looks fabulous - what spells are you using for it?
SNAPE: No magic at all - you know what they always say about the best way to clear up your complexion…
TONKS: Oh, so it's true, then….well, if you need any help maintaining it, please don't hesitate to ask.
SNAPE: I will, Tonks, I will - perhaps before the night is over (to the Portraits) Good night - don't wait up for us.
The two exit through the Floo Network.
NIGELLUS: Shall we accompany them?
DUMBLEDORE: No - this is their night, really. And I somehow have the feeling that Severus' second year will be every bit as tumultuous as his first. We had better get some rest - while we still have the chance.
NIGELLUS: You're right - Severus is the kind of man who tends to make things happen. Or to whom things tend to happen. (pause) If not both.
DUMBLEDORE: Good night, Phineas.
DUMBLEDORE disappears from his frame. A moment later, we hear his heavy snoring. NIGELLUS disappears for a moment, then reappears in an old-fashioned nightgown, wearing a pair of heavy earmuffs.
NIGELLUS: Good night, Albus.
NIGELLUS extinguishes the candle.
SCENE FIVE: The former Riddle House, on its gala opening night as the Second War Memorial Museum. The opening ceremonies are taking place in the first-floor ballroom, the most spacious room in the house (made even larger with some judicious use of magic). Pictured on the walls are larger-than-life portraits of the fallen heroes of the War - Cedric Diggory, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Alastor Moody, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Ron Weasley, Fred Weasley, Parvati Patil, Michael Corner and many others. Upon a make-shift stage the head table stands, at which are seated NEVILLE, COLIN, JUSTIN, CHO, SNAPE, TONKS, & LUNA (along with a few empty seats - not all the guests of honor have arrived yet!). Several dozen circular tables are spread out across the ballroom floor- at one of them sit the WEASLEYS, at another several Hogwarts faculty including FLINT. At yet another table are several house-elves, including Winky, Kreacher and Dobby, along with their families. Off to one side is a stern-looking cat. There has been considerable speechifying going on before we arrived, so let us join the action in medias res, with HERMIONE behind the podium.
HERMIONE: …… a man who has inspired us for nearly 40 years, first with his mere survival, later with his courage and leadership during the Second War, with his speed and grace on the Quidditch field, and now with his generosity and vision through the Potter Foundation - ladies and gentlemen, wizards and witches, it is now my privilege and proud honor to introduce to you my oldest and dearest friend, Harry James Potter.
HARRY comes on stage, amidst a tumultuous roar and a standing ovation from the crowd. Most of them have not seen Harry since he retired from professional Quidditch six years earlier. HARRY has scarcely changed at all, except that his face seems more deeply etched by care than his 38 years would allow. His manner is subdued and modest, but without trace of nervousness or hesitation. One by one, he embraces all of those at the head table -including, finally SNAPE. It is several minutes before the crowd quiets down enough to permit him to speak.
HARRY: Thank you - Minister Granger-Weasley, Undersecretary Creevey, Minister Longbottom, Headmaster Snape, Director Finch-Fletchley, my fellow veterans…It's good to see all of you again, and most especially the surviving members of the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore's Army tonight.
Another roar and standing ovation from the crowd
HARRY: As I look back on the Second War, it sometimes seems miraculous that any of us survived. At other times, it seems merely a cruel caprice of misfortune that so many of our comrades in arms did not. When I was still a boy, Albus Dumbledore once told me, “When one wizard saves another wizard's life, it creates a certain bond between them.” And as the years have gone by, I've more deeply appreciated the truth of his statement. The bonds that you and I forged back then have strengthened and sustained us both in times of crisis and of repose. Yet not till tonight - as I'm seeing again the so many faces that I have not seen in years - have I felt the full force of those bonds. Tonight is a night when these invisible bonds will be strengthened and renewed for all of us.
Applause
Those bonds, as we know, do not cease at death. Not a day has gone by when I have not felt the presence, the guiding hand of my godfather, Sirius - of Ron, my first true friend - of Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Alastor Moody, so many others. They gave their lives to save us all, and the purity and power of that gift sustains you and me, our entire society in innumerable ways.
Tonight, we give back a little of that gift. The sacrifice made by these heroes saved not only our lives, but the lives of children yet unborn. Here is a place where we may meet to remember, to share, to instruct, to remind - but above all, to celebrate.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
This home, the old Riddle House, may seem an odd location for our memorial. It is a home that has witnessed terrible murders in its past, and has endured long periods of neglect. A lost, lonely soul stayed hidden away for many years, only to meet a miserable end. But just as the Wizarding World we so love was reborn thanks to valor and courage of the fallen heroes we see pictured here - so too is this home reborn - as a shrine to forever commemorate their noble and gallant sacrifice. May we who were privileged to live through those hard and bitter years forever hold their memories sacred - and may those too young and those not yet alive forever find inspiration and hope in their stories.
FRED (from his picture): Hey, we didn't give our lives to listen to a lot of boring speeches from you, Potter - I say it's time to party!
A whoop of assent from the other paintings - surprised laughter and applause from the audience.
HARRY (laughing, but wiping away a tear): As my old friend Fred reminds me, public speaking isn't really my forte. And as his statement further implies, it's not their death we remember here tonight - it's their life - and our life, made possible thanks to them.
A roar of approval from the crowd - and the paintings, all of whom are bursting open bottles of champagne.
HARRY: And to help put us all in a festive mood, I have a surprise guest with us this evening -a man who draws more applause than Neville and I put together every day - an old enemy of mine, but I'm proud to say, now a long-time friend - the greatest vocalist of our time , Draco Malfoy!
MALFOY, with shoulder length blonde-hair and very formal robes, receives a roar of adulation and a standing ovation as he strides on stage, and embraces everyone at the Head table.
MALFOY: Thank you, thank you. Sorry, Harry told me that I had to leave the thong at home tonight - he said it would detract from the solemnity of the occasion. So you'll have to wait till after the ceremonies are over
Laughter
I had a chance to pre-tour the museum, this afternoon, and it's a truly magnificent achievement. You can follow a day-by-day chronology of the entire war, get full-scale biographies of all the major participants, follow a Floo link to 12 Grimmauld Place, where the Order of the Phoenix met; or visit the Hall of Pensieves, where you can re-live some of the key events of the Second War through memories donated by some of the participants. And the portraits are only too willing to share their stories with you.
A raucous raspberry from the paintings
I wanted to announce that in order to help support the Potter Foundation and its programs, I will be donating 25,000 Galleons to The Second War Memorial
Sustained applause
And by the way, Justin, if you want to earmark some of that money for acquisitions, you can still pick up some real bargains at my father's old mansion.
Laughter and applause
No, really, Dad attended one of my concerts recently, for the first time ever, and then afterwards came backstage. “Son,” he said, “I've been wrong about you all these years. I have to give you a hand.” Unfortunately, it was the Hand of Glory.
Laughter
But seriously - I'm not proud of what I did during the Second War. But I am proud that I was smart enough to accept Albus Dumbledore's offer of unconditional amnesty at the end of the War - that I was able to persuade so many other Slytherins, including Mom and Dad, to join me - and that so many of my former enemies - beginning with Harry and Hermione - welcomed me with open arms. And I'm proud that, through music, I've
been able to reach out and bring together so many former adversaries. Truly, there has never been a time like ours before….but maybe this is how it was supposed to have been all along.
Applause
When Hogwarts was founded more than a thousand years ago, a quarrel soon erupted between Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin. The Wizarding World has lived with the consequences of that quarrel nearly a millennium. Yet legend tells us that Gryffindor and Slytherin were originally the closest of friends. I believe that history will show that ours is the generation that healed their primeval breach - Gryffindor and Slytherin have made their amends, and are now re-united in their ancient and original friendship - and with that unity, is there any limit to what we can accomplish?
Applause
And may the Second War Memorial help this friendship to flourish throughout our lives, and for generations to come.
DRACO gives FLINT a significant look
In furtherance of this theme of Gryffindor-Slytherin reconciliation, I was asked by an old friend of mine - Professor Marcus Flint, a man who has worked harder than anyone toward the redemption of Slytherin House - to speak on his behalf tonight. For years, he has loved from afar, yet has been unable to summon the courage - that quintessential Gryffindorean trait - to declare true his feelings for her. With this ring that he entrusted to me, I would like to…
FLINT rises and approaches DRACO, taking the ring from him
FLINT: Thank you, Draco. All of a sudden I find that I do have the courage to speak aloud of what I've kept silent about for so many years.
FLINT approaches GINNY, seated at a front row table with all her family, and drops to one knee.
FLINT: Ginny, I've loved you always - but I was too afraid to speak to you of it - but I know that without the courage to take this risk, I can never find true happiness.
He presents her with the ring
Ginny, will you marry me?
GINNY stands, motioning FLINT to do likewise
GINNY: Marcus, while I may have courage, it sometimes fails me. I too was afraid to speak of what has long been written in my heart. I love you, Marcus, and I will be proud to be your wife.
The pair embrace and kiss, to exclamations and applause from the crowd. GINNY and FLINT face the crowd, smiling broadly.
FLINT: We will announce our wedding day, as soon as we can make the….
SNAPE steps forward
SNAPE: It seems that one of the many powers granted to the Headmaster of Hogwarts is the privilege of performing wedding ceremonies. If the two of you are agreeable - and if our host will permit it, we could unite this happy pair this very evening.
LUNA: The auguries suggest that there is no more propitious way of inaugurating a new establishment than to celebrate a joyous wedding
GINNY: But there's so much to prepare….
MOLLY steps forward, thumbing through a large book
MOLLY: Leave it to me. I have a copy here of Lockhart's What the Well-Dressed Bride is Wearing - let's see, this spell seems that it will do….
MOLLY transfigures GINNY'S robes into an ornate bridal gown
GINNY: Hermione, will be you be my maid of honor? And Tonks, Luna, my bridesmaids? I still need a third…..Minerva? Please?
A stern-looking cat transfigures herself back into MINVERVA McGONAGALL
McGONAGALL (smiling broadly in spite of herself): Oh very well then, but only for this evening.
MOLLY suitably transfigures their gowns as well.
FLINT: Draco, you'll serve as my best man - Harry, Neville, Crabbe as my grooms.
HARRY: An honor.
CRABBE: A privilege.
NEVILLE: Why not?
FLINT suitably transfigures their gowns into appropriate tuxedos.
SNAPE: Before we unite this happy couple, let us give thanks again for the heroes whose memory is forever sanctified in these hallowed halls. Their sacrifice made possible the blessings we enjoy today. Will this era of peace and tranquility last forever? In spite of Professor Lovegood's expertise, we truly do not know what the future may bring. All we can know is that nothing lasts - and that everything we've worked for throughout our lives could be undone at any time. But let posterity say of us that we did not complacently languish in these times of prosperity, but that we used our talents to strengthen, to improve, and to beautify the magical ways of life which we so hold dear. May our ancient quarrels be forever buried; may our the valor of our fallen heroes be consecrated through the latest generation; and may the union of this happy couple, Marcus Flint and Ginerva Weasley, be eternally blessed.
Applause. As the participants in the wedding hasten to their appropriate places, DRACO launches into his signature tune.
Dormiens (reprise) (to the tune of Dites-Moi - Reprise)
DRACO:
Dormiens
GINNY:
FLINT:
GINNY:
FLINT:
GINNY & FLINT:
ALL:
As SNAPE performs the wedding ceremony, DRACO bursts into song
DRACO:
GINNY & FLINT:
SNAPE:
SNAPE smiles broadly as he raises his hand in benediction
SNAPE (spoken, with an avuncular smile): You may now kiss the bride.
MARCUS and GINNY exchange their first kiss as husband and wife, as the happy couples - HARRY & LUNA, HERMIONE & GEORGE, ARTHUR & MOLLY, WINKY & KREACHER, SNAPE & TONKS as well as the audience and portraits applaud. TONKS & SNAPE exchange winks as the curtain falls.
CONCLUDING NOTES: I relied heavily on Pat Pflieger's essay
Too Good To Be True: 150 Years of Mary
Sue for advice in designing my Mary Sue avatar. Also, thanks to
the Internet Anagram Server
Our Snapey lived on a lonely island,
Lost with his anger and hostility
But twists of fate he'll not find beguilin'
Take him at last to love's mysteries……
You're no more teaching brews.
At Hogwarts, you're Headmaster
Of our crew, of our crew
In a voice cold and tart
But this year he will discover
That he too has a heart
Will your powers ebb?
Will you be caught up
In Potter's World Wide Web?
Will it lead to new war?
A Dark Lord is reviving
Heir to Lord Voldemort
Snapey Guy,
Snapey Guy!
Hair billowing like the ol' Whomping Willow tree.
He'll interview her
With her he'll soon team
By & by, marryin' he'll be.
Snapey guy, so ambitious,
Fully armed with his plans
Come and see what next will happen
When the shit hits the fan
Snapey Guy,
Snapey Guy!
With a half-priced Prince of Machiavelli
To instruct me in power politics
It has made me a hard-eyed realist
Who just thinks cynically of critics
There's some good to be found in ev'ry soul
But since I am a hard-eyed realist
Such naïve folk make my hard eyes roll
Need ruthless rulers who
Will show them where they need to go
Without firm leadership
We'll see nitpickers rip
Apart what we've tried hard to grow
It's a song that is neither sure nor sweet
Nasty, short, quoting Hobbes
Quite the brutal job
Leave the kitchen if you can't stand heat
Stand the heat……
We had to be taught
By Snape each year
We had to endure
Each jibe and jeer
He screamed we were dumb
And made points disappear
We were all by Severus taught.
By someone prone to apoplectics
With hygiene quite less than antiseptic
We were all by Severus taught.
For seven long years or for Marcus 'twas eight
To grate on our nerves was the thing he thought great
We were all by Severus taught
We were all by Severus taught.
With Snape this year
Could this mean the end
Of my career?
His name, I forgot,
Can mean "severe."
And now I'm Severus stuck…..
We get to be taught
By Snape this year
And see all the plans
He's engineered
He acts like he's mean
But he's really a dear
We will be by Severus taught.
Or join on a team for broomstick sports
But what do we care 'cause at Hogwarts
We will be by Severus taught.
Emboldened in heart and esprit de corps
By the greatest man since Albus Dumbledore
We will be by Severus taught
We will be by Severus taught.
Wonder how it'd feel
Sharin' the same dungeon,
Stirrin' up a potion,
Cauldron warm and full
How it rends his heart
Loneliness and sorrow.
Could I ever get my
Message through his skull?
I am so disliked
Probably I'd scare her.
She's a charming woman
I'm a little - rough
Angry man is he
Hogwarts stern Headmaster
Yet he's so unhappy,
Doesn't get enough…..
What if I should fail
Pitiful and puny
I'm like a school boy
Bullied by the fates.
Will he ask me out?
Could he be my boytoy?
Will I be his princess?
Will I have a date?
I'm gonna wash that grease right outta my hair,
I'm gonna wash that grease right outta my hair,
I'm gonna wash that grease right outta my hair,
And then I'll use some spray.
I'm/He's gonna boil that oil right off of my/his face,
I'm/He's gonna boil that oil right off of my/his face ,
And I'll/he'll look A-OK
I'll try to cleanse it off
Mop it up, wipe it up!
Trim it out, smooth it out
Soak it up, wring it out!
Disinfect till spic and span!
Yea, Sevvy!
I'm/He's gonna whack that plaque right off of my/his teeth,
I'm/He's gonna whack that plaque right off of my/his teeth,
I'm/He's gonna whack that plaque right off of my/his teeth,
And fight off tooth decay
If the gal is unsurpassing
If she makes your heart a-bloom
Rinse and floss, clean that rug
Rub that grime right off your mug
Yank a link out of Lockhart
And grudgingly learn to groom
Oho! If your mood is too sardonic
If you dress like you're entombed
Waste no time, re-create
Yourself as a fashion plate
Pluck a link out of Lockhart
And gingerly learn to groom
You can't get a bezoar when the goat is dead
No!
You can't stew a lacewing too long
Hmm, hmm!
You can't knot knotgrass if it's grown too green.
And you can't make your moonstone too strong!
You can't polish a nettle with that stuff from Ms. Scower
Or mollify a dragon with a puny power
Oh no! Oh no!
Take the eyes of puffer fishes
And the skin of shrivelfigs
Waste no time,
Brew a batch
See a brand-new Snapey hatch
If you want to win her heart
Let your ambitions be big!
Oho! Oho!
I'm gonna shove that black robe back on its shelf,
I'm gonna shove that black robe back on its shelf,
I'm gonna shove that black robe back on its shelf,
And brighter hues display.
He went and shoved that black robe back on its shelf,
He went and shoved that black robe back on its shelf,
He went and shoved that black robe back on its shelf,
And brighter hues displays!
I scowl and skulk
And say snarky things,
As I sneer and snap
My heart takes wing
When I look down
At the human race,
And I hold my nose
At each scrapgrace
Conflicts and fierce fights, for me
Stormy as great monsoons
If they dare give lip unto me!
Bitter and hostile, that's me
I grow quite curmudgeonly
Anger and fury, hatred and rage
Are ecstasy
And boys invade my school,
And break my rules as oft they do,
Then anger at their crime, have I,
Rigid detentions, give I,
Anger and fury, hatred and rage
Will terrify!
And when the girls
And boys invade our school,
And break our rules as oft they do,
Rigid detentions, give I/ apply
Anger and fury, hatred and rage
Will terrify!
We're both at home
Our favorite spot
We brew and mix
While stirring the pot
Amy and Snape
Our happiness is great
I'll spend this day with my special soul mate
And as he gets comfy and settled
We'll please our passion for potions with
Nettles, metals, petals
In kettles
Ingredients on display
As we convey
Magic soirees
With billywig stings
And boomslang skin
We'll put another
Lacewing in
We're both at home
Our favorite spot
I'll spend this day with my special soul mate
And as we get comfy and settled
We'll please our passion for potions with
Nettles, metals, petals
In kettles
Ingredients on display
As we convey
Magic soirees
And boomslang skin
Let's put another
Lacewing in
Snapey talk, I'm talkin' Snapey talk,
Talk about the bad job you do.
You know that I'm your dean
Because I am your dean
I have got the right to scream at you
Teachers don't know how to educate
Things here will improve - that's because I rule
So I will myself congratulate
Talk about the bad job you do.
Because I am your dean
I do not need no team,
I am gonna reign supreme and true.
Actin' like they runnin' this whole joint
Look at that Weasley, she ain't no damn good
Too bad that I can't take away their points!
Talk about the bad job you do.
It's written in my genes
To treat you really mean
'Cause I mean to be demeanin' you.
Ev'ryone of them I'd like to curse
They like fun and joy, make me want to hurl
Good thing that I know how to coerce
Talk about the bad job you do.
I love to intervene
With sneaky plots and schemes
And to swipe your self-esteem from you.
The greatest man you ever seen
Then you'll never hear me scream at you!
Dormiens
Draco
O, Titillandus
Dormiens
Nunquam
Evanesco
Draco
Alohomora
Protego
Reparo
Sonorus?
My Mum warned of women who were scarlet
"They'll get ya with their wiles and their snares."
This young starlet is as scarlet as a harlot
Her affair so unfair must not fare
What is little Amy's game?
We'd all love to Amy maim tonight.
A K.O. ASAP
Ev'ry thing she does is such a fright
With baby-talkin' phonics
This git's the pits
She gives us fits, tonic and clonic
Swishing' round his red-hot cape
He's been caught, his excuses are lame
Since our Snapey has been tamed through Amy's game
Since our Snapey has been tamed through Amy's game
She's a gamin who we're aimin' to outrun
Snape's so ungainly!
Amy, don't delay me, you'll soon be undone!
We got lectures to contrive
LUNA: We got students eating meals
That keep them barely alive
FLINT: We got dining halls and classrooms
That we have to keep in shape
ALL: We got damn Snape!
We got 20-hour days
GINNY: We do cleaning, we do scrubbing
Till our eyeballs start to glaze
TONKS: We got Howlers from the parents
'Cause of cancelled Quidditch sports.
LUNA: What don't we get?
ALL: The least support!
There's a name that we all need to start expungin'
Nothing is the word,
We would rather wed an ape
That see anything more of Snape!
We're exhausted, we are wrecked
To that man we've been appealing
But he gives us no respect
We feel angry as a centaur
Made to wear a saddle-bag
How do we feel?
We'd like to gag!
We demand to see our Headmaster sliced, diced and boiled in his very favorite cauldron…
Nothing is the word,
There is nothing short of rape
That could ever be worse than Snape!
Sour is the word
We can only groan and gape
At the slightest thought of that Snape!
And his word ought to be law,
FLINT: And we follow him like house elves
As we hold his name in awe
LUNA: Through his leadership and vision
Hogwarts will ascend new heights
ALL: Here's our response: we say, "Yeah, right"!
There ain't nobody worse than Snape!
No uglier mug than Snape.
There's no one meaner than Snape,
Or uncleaner than Snape,
No one's toxic as Snape,
And we're darn sick of Snape.
There ain't a thing that's wrong with any of us
That can't be cured by Expelliarmus
On grisly, horribly, reviled, venomous Snape!
My enchanting evil
Has now captured Granger
I'll work to arrange her
Accursed and painful doom.
You-Know-Who, my friend
That soon I will be a
Great Dark Lord legend
Hear my cold high laughter,
Cold and chilling laughter
Conveys a sense of doom
With fright after fright
As strange as I seem
The sound of my slaughter
Will drown out your screams.
Who would dare to try?
Don't try to save her,
Or I'll make her die
What I spoke to you of
As I'm staging my coup
You'll meet a certain doom
And shadows unknown
For I'll commit crimes that
I'll never atone.
I'll not let her go.
Now that I've caught her,
I'll not let her go!
I'm faced with the deadliness of Amy
She's no sweet simple gal full of verve
For the fact remains, Goyle has been slain,
And she quite gets on my nerves
Linking my heart to hers wasn't smart
Can I secure a cure, a cure, to take Amy from my heart?
To take Amy from my heart?
As I mount my defense, perhaps it would make sense
To deny accusations I've killed in cold blood
You can vote to convict but I'd be derelict
If I didn't explain why I slew Crabbe's old bud
Quickly, I flicked and extinguished that brick
Flattened, a final thought flit through his head to say
"The wrong opponent I certainly picked."
I'm not afraid to crime-fight
When it puts me in limelight
I'm as brave as the Knights of Jedi
Armed with the stake that Buffy used to take
I have made the Lord Gargoyle die!
And so detentionally here I lie
How my head tosses at thoughts of due process
When I made Lord Gargoyle die!
I deride, toodle loo
Little children were caught
So this villain I fought
Like that snot Nancy Drew.
Crafty as Lara in raiding a tomb
I shouldn't boast but Greg Goyle is toast
For I sent, I have sent
I have sent, I have sent
I have sent Lord Goyle to his doom!
I deride, toodle loo
Little children were caught
By the villain I fought
Like that snot Nancy Drew.
She has courage like Kirk 'gainst a Klingon
She's nobler than the Knights of Jedi
It's no avail that you threw me in jail
I have made,
She has made,
I have made,
She has made,
I have made,
She has made,
I have made,
She has made,
I have made,
She has made,
I have made,
She has made,
I have/She has made the Lord Gargoyle die!
Bloody Mary Sue is from Earth-One
Bloody Mary Sue is from Earth-One
Bloody Mary Sue is from Earth-One
Now she is so damn mad!
She came from stories that are overdone
She came from stories that are overdone
It makes her so damn bad!
Bloody Mary Sue drives Snapey nuts.
She is always drivin' Snapey nuts
Bloody Mary Sue drives Snapey nuts.
For she's such an irritant!
Now she is so damn mad!
Bloody Mary Sue's not who Snape loves
Bloody Mary Sue's not who Snape loves
Bloody Mary Sue's not who Snape loves
That's gonna make her mad!
Now she is so damn mad!
One draught from this brew
One hairball drawn from a goat
One magical antidote
And now I'll be fine
Turned out not to be so nice
I once was trapped in her vise
But now I'll be fine
Doomed to just die away
Doomed just to sigh and say, "I cannot fight!"
Now, now I'm redeemed
I'm free of my paramour
Set free from my paramour
I'll henceforth be fine
But I emerged unscathed
Since I survived this adventure
Nevermore need I bathe!
From Aberforth Dumbledore
I now need be glum no more
'Cause now I'll be fine
Now it's as bright as day
Now it's as bright as day rife with sunlight
You brought me this parachute
Now, thanks to this parachute
It's all turned out fine!
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd.....
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers….
Dormiens
Draco
O, Titillandus
Dormiens
Nunquam
Evanesco
Draco
Alohomora
Protego
Reparo
Sonorus?
Not till today had I the slightest hint
That I was destined to be Ms. Flint
You shall!
My eyes shine with a joyous glint
My gal!
I've known you for many years and now
This is the night we'll exchange vows
And Sev'rus will make us Herr and Frau, et al.
He shall!
This enchanted evening
Marcus Flint and Ginny
Join their hearts together
In holy wedded bliss.
May their life and love
Know ample success
And through their devotion
Achieve happiness
Now that I've found you,
I'll not let you go.
Now that you've found it
Never let it go!
Harry Potter the
Musical(s)