To the tune of The Spelling Rules/Favorite Moment of the Bee
SALAZAR (sung)
Severus…
SNAPE steps forward
AUDIENCE
Severus…
SALAZAR
Draco Malfoy…
AUDIENCE
Draco Malfoy…
SALAZAR (spoken)
Everyone's favorite evil female, Bella Lestrange.
AUDIENCE
Bella Lestrange…
SALAZAR
My grandson, T.M. Riddle
AUDIENCE
T.M. Riddle…
SALAZAR
And Wormtail-slash-Pettigrew
AUDIENCE
Wormtail-slash-Pettigrew…
SALAZAR (spoken)
And all of the guards of Azkaban - Dementors.
AUDIENCE (sung)
But their resistance to curses like Patronus is rather weak.
SALAZAR
Whoa, whoa.
(sung) Now, we must pick someone.
AUDIENCE
Must pick someone…
SALAZAR
From these six…
AUDIENCE
From those six…
SALAZAR
Fine folks.
Keep in mind our main foe
Harry Potter…
AUDIENCE
Harry Potter…
SALAZAR
Will be quite well-equipped.
(spoken) Is that understood, everyone?
AUDIENCE
Yes…
SALAZAR (sung)
Before…
Anyone is picked for the kill
And before
The blood starts to spill
And young Potter gets beaten,
Which I am sure he will…
When we cause that calamity
With our great depravity,
All hell will break free
We'll have them beat totally
All thanks to this great dark conspiracy!
It's my favorite dark conspiracy!
(spoken) Alright, now…if there are no questions, we'll move on.
A random VOICE comes from the AUDIENCE.
VOICE
Wait, wait, wait!
UMBRIDGE barrels up to the stage, unceremoniously tripping over the carpet as she goes. When she finally mounts the stage, she puffs herself up to her full height, which is quite an unimpressive gesture considering she's at least two feet shorter than SALAZAR.
UMBRIDGE: Hem hem, I must be allowed to compete in accordance with Ministry Dark-Wizards-Convention Decree Number 1,200,459.
SALAZAR: I think someone forgot to mention something to you, Miss Umbridge. We are CRIMINALS. We are not bound by your laws and you'd do well to leave. We do not like Ministry officials.
UMBRIDGE: HMPH! Well! If it's a question of actual qualifications, then I really don't see how you can bar me from competing. Potter cost me my credibility and my standing with the Minister and heavens knows what else. And besides that…(Shudders) He dragged me into the wood with those ghastly centaurs!
SALAZAR: Yes, yes, yes. I'm sure we're all very sympathetic. Now GET LOST.
UMBRIDGE: (sighs) You just don't understand…
My Bloody Stylography
To the tune of My Friend, the Dictionary
UMBRIDGE (sung)
'Cause that brat refused to help Rufus Scrimgeour
I loved the stylography
And I really want to kill that little piece of crap
SALAZAR
But you talk out of your ass
(spoken) Expelliarmus!
UMBRIDGE is blasted to the back of the auditorium, where she picks herself up and walks out dejectedly.
UMBRIDGE
The First Goodbye
To the tune of the same name
ALL
SALAZAR: Well, if that's all the interruptions we're going to have…I'll draw the next…
VOICES: WAIT!
Three more contestants rush up onto the stage, where they pulls off their hoods, revealing…
SALAZAR: Oh God. Look, you lost last year and in my opinion, you deserved it. You're not wizards. You're stupid. Even the Slytherin fans hate you and er…basically, you suck. Get offstage.
That's right, the Dursleys. Again.
VERNON: Now see here, you old wizarding fogey, you can't say that! I said last year that we had inflicted enough misery on Potter to compete and I say it again. You'll recall that we inflicted…if I may quote myself from last year…"so much misery on Potter that he can't even remember it all!" Now, honestly, with that sort of…
SALAZAR: Yes, yes, yes, yes…but you're forgetting you're not WIZARDS. You can't KILL Potter.
VERNON: Yes, yes we can. Indirectly, that is. Now see here…
We Are All Disowning Him
To the tune of Life is Pandemonium
VERNON
PETUNIA
VERNON
DUDLEY
VERNON
DURSLEYS
VERNON
PETUNIA
VERNON
PETUNIA and DUDLEY
PETUNIA
VERNON
PETUNIA
DUDLEY
VERNON
DURSLEYS
PETUNIA
VERNON
PETUNIA
VERNON
PETUNIA and DUDLEY
VERNON
DURSLEYS
The audience bursts into applause and SALAZAR looks highly chagrinned
SALAZAR: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Well, I suppose Muggles are alright in some sense. However…Avada Kedavra!
VERNON drops dead. PETUNIA screams and shields DUDLEY.
SALAZAR: Avada Kedavra!
The curse misses PETUNIA and hits the massive bulk of her son. He dies instantly. PETUNIA takes one look behind her at her son and lets out a heartrending scream before SALAZAR zaps her too. The AUDIENCE is roaring in outrage. They wanted the Dursleys to compete. SALAZAR tries to calm them all down.
SALAZAR: Oh, shut up. I just did JKR's job for her, that's all. Saves you all that boring prologue to Book Seven.
The AUDIENCE disgruntledly quiets down.
SALAZAR: Alright, now if there are really no further interruptions…(silence) Good! Now, to our first contestant, Ms. Lestrange!
BELLATRIX strides forward and shakes SALAZAR's hand. She is dressed in flowing black robes with long slits at the bottom, giving her quite the femme fatale look. She reaches down to her leg and pulls out her wand from a holster under her robes. Someone in the AUDIENCE wolf whistles.
BELLATRIX: (pointing her wand at the audience) CRUCIO!
Screams. BELLATRIX lets it go on for about thirty seconds before taking the spell off and walking languidly over to SALAZAR, who hastily closes his mouth.
SALAZAR: Ms. Lestrange, welcome and good luck. You certainly seem to have the…er…ruthlessness necessary to kill the boy. Do you have anything to say?
BELLATRIX: (in a sultry purr) Oh yes, Lord Slytherin. I do. Not only do I hate that little annoying Potter fool, but now that I've got my looks back a little after that disgusting stint in Azkaban, I'd say I'm much…MUCH more attractive than that little Ginny brat he went after in book six. Who knows? Maybe that purring monster in Potter's chest will be his demise. It would be awfully ironic…and what can I say? I know how to make a man let down his guard…music, please.
I'll Break His Heart
To the tune of I'm Not That Smart
BELLATRIX
I have a thing with masculinity
AUDIENCE
BELLATRIX
AUDIENCE
BELLATRIX
(spoken) Yes, it's quite true.
(sung)
He hates my guts -
AUDIENCE
BELLATRIX
I'll give that rotter hell,
There is a tepid response, but really the AUDIENCE resents BELLATRIX's overconfidence. SALAZAR gamely claps, but knows that this is not the winner.
The Second Goodbye
To the tune of the same name
AUDIENCE
SALAZAR: Thank you, Ms. Lestrange, thank you. You certainly put out…I mean…put in the effort. If you'll return to the back of the stage and we'll call you at the end of the show.
BELLATRIX: (flirtaciously) Whatever you say…Ssssalazar…
She strides back to where she was sitting previously
SALAZAR: Alright, now let's have our next contestant…Peter Pettigrew!
PETTIGREW comes forward
SALAZAR: Alright, now Peter, what do you think gives you the power necessary to kill Potter?
PETTIGREW: Well, as you well know, Lord Slytherin, a few weeks ago a rumor was debunked on JKR's website. It was the rumor that…and I quote…"Wormtail's silver hand would be used to kill Remus Lupin." JKR might have crushed that idea in the bud, but who's to say my little metallic limb won't serve a much more sinister purpose…like, perhaps…killing Potter? After all, it was created by the Dark Lord. Who knows that powers it has?
Magic Hand
To the tune of Magic Foot
PETTIGREW
Magic hand…
Exhibits the hand for all to see, holding up different fingers for dramatic effect
P-I-N-K-Y
Magic hand…
AUDIENCE
PETTIGREW
AUDIENCE
PETTIGREW
AUDIENCE
PETTIGREW
AUDIENCE
PETTIGREW
AUDIENCE
PETTIGREW
AUDIENCE
PETTIGREW
AUDIENCE
PETTIGREW
AUDIENCE
ALL
The applause is stronger this time, but still not overwhelming. SALAZAR takes the microphone from PETTIGREW and joins in applauding.
SALAZAR: Well, I guess I'll turn this over to our judges to decide on the first two candidates.
The spotlight suddenly centers on three black robed figures, who throw up their hoods. The audience reacts with shock. It's PAULA ABDUL, RANDY JACKSON and SIMON COWELL.
RANDY: Well, I thought those two really brought it this week and, you know, it…it wasn't bad.
PAULA: OMIGODTHEYWEREALLSOAWESOMEILOVETHEMTHEYHAVEMYVOTE!!!!!
SIMON: Look, I'm not trying to be rude here, but if I'm being honest, that was like having your face clawed off by a rat on heroin. Only instead of your face, it's just your ears. Also, I hate you, your family, your children, your husband/wife and if I had my way, everyone like you would be shot and everybody who disagrees with me has no idea what they're talking about and is just patronizing y--
BELLATRIX rushes forward with an almighty scream.
BELLATRIX: AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!
RANDY, PAULA and SIMON all die. The AUDIENCE cheers.
SALAZAR: Well, I guess that's the last we'll hear of both these contestants and the judges. Whoops. Anyway, thank you to both of you, but…
Disowning Them/Favorite Dark Conspiracy (Reprise)
To the tune of Pandemonium (reprise)/Favorite Moment of the Bee (reprise)
SALAZAR
AUDIENCE
SALAZAR
As BELLATRIX and PETTIGREW walk off the stage dejectedly, the AUDIENCE sings
AUDIENCE
SALAZAR
(spoken)
Alright, now…we'll move to our next contestant.
An ASSISTANT rushes in and whispers something in SALAZAR's ear.
SALAZAR: Oh. Oh, I see. Apparently we have a surprise contestant who forgot to check in at the door: Fenrir Greyback!
GREYBACK walks up onto the stage and shakes hands with SALAZAR.
GREYBACK: Thank you, Lord Slytherin. I must admit I was worried you'd forgotten about me.
SALAZAR: Well, we almost did. Now, why do you think you should be the one to kill Harry Potter?
GREYBACK: Pfff…Potter's just a kid. Sure, you people have your wands, but you don't have the claws and teeth necessary to do the job correctly. Let me tell you, I've taken down something like one hundred kids and many of them had parents defending them. You pansies can't do that!
Why I Love Killing
To the tune of Why We Like Spelling
GREYBACK (sung)
Though we're mangy and mean
People love to hate us 'cause we act like beasts
We love blood, guts and gore
I love killing kids
I'm a scary person
I love killing kids
AUDIENCE
FENRIR
The applause is thunderous this time. FENRIR bows to the audience and bares his teeth lasciviously at BELLATRIX, who is staring up at him with abject loathing.
SALAZAR: Alright, excellent. Thank you, Fenrir. Now, we'll move to our next contestant.
The ASSISTANT rushes in again and whispers something in SALAZAR's ear.
SALAZAR: GOD! I told him already, he's not qualified to compete! Why the hell are they always-
He is whacked over the head with a broom by the ASSISTANT, who pulls off a wig, revealing himself to be FILCH.
FILCH: I'm going to compete whether or not you like it and don't you try to stop me. Isn't that right, Mrs. Norris?
There is a distinct "Meow" from offstage and MRS. NORRIS runs onstage. Just as SALAZAR picks himself up, however, she jumps on him and tries to claw her way up his robes, hissing and spitting.
SALAZAR: EXPELLIARMUS!
A distant yowl is heard as the unfortunate cat rockets to the back of the room.
FILCH: My sweet!
SALAZAR: Get off the stage, Filch. You're holding up the proceedings.
FILCH: Bah! What do you know about holding up the proceedings? Do you have any idea how many times Potter and his filthy friends screwed up my proceedings by leaving their trash everywhere? Oh, how I wish I could kill them. I may not have the power, but my resolve is probably stronger than any of yours!
SALAZAR: How nice, now if you'd please…
FILCH: DAMMIT, listen!
Prayer of the Hogwarts Caretaker
To the tune of Prayer of the Comfort Counselor
FILCH shakes out his hair, revealing that it's braided into dreadlocks. He starts singing in a black gospel style.
FILCH
I'll be the most justified contestant here
SALAZAR (trying to shove FILCH offstage)
FILCH (Dodging SALAZAR)
SALAZAR
(spoken)
EXPELLIARMUS!
FILCH is blasted out of the auditorium
SALAZAR: Ok, I guess that's over. Now, if there are really no more interruptions, we'll move to our next contestants: The Dementors!
The entire room goes dark and the sound of swishing cloaks is heard. Then, slowly the lights come up to a slightly more visible level and an army of black robed figures are visible onstage. Two DEMENTORS step forward.
DEMENTORS: (strong asian accent, ala William Hung) Herro, Rord Srythelin. On behalf of arr oul blothels we wish to say herro.
Two other DEMENTORS float out and push them away.
DEMENTORS 2.0: (Brooklyn accent) Sorry, Lord Slytherin. They're new at this. They don't know what they're doing.
DEMENTORS: Sklew you!
DEMENTORS 2.0: Sklew us? Sklew you!
The black-robed figures start whacking each other with various bits of fabric from their robes.
SALAZAR: Alright, alright, stop it! We're not here to get into a pissing contest.
DEMENTORS 2.0: We're dementors, we don't piss. And I find that racist.
DEMENTORS: Lacist! Lacist!
SALAZAR: (sighs) Look, can we just get back on topic? Why should we allow you to kill Potter? After all, we all know that his Patronus casting abilities are very-
DEMENTORS 2.0: (sob) Don't say it! Oh, that bastard! His Patronus killed my wife!
DEMENTORS: Don't sweat it, fliend. She has joined the yin and yang.
DEMENTORS 2.0: Oh shut up, we are the yang. And that Patronus thing is nothing to do with us! We could kill him so easily if he just let us get close enough!
His Unfortunate Protection
To the tune of My Unfortunate Erection
DEMENTORS 2.0
Then he raised that dumb wand
His unfortunate protection
(spoken)
The Guards of Azkaban defeated!
(sung) Because of that stupid bloody stag
His unfortunate Patronuses
Anyone can feel that they're just a bit unsure
Protection
The applause is almost as loud as it was for FENRIR. SALAZAR takes the microphone.
SALAZAR: Very good, yes. Give them a warm round of applause. It'll be the only warm thing in here.
The DEMENTORS glide to the back of the stage.
SALAZAR: Alright, now to our next contestant. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the murderer of Albus Dumbledore himself: Severus Snape!
SNAPE walks forward to a tempestuous ovation.
SNAPE: Thank you, Lord Slytherin. It is a great honor to be here and see so many faces of people who hate Potter. I'd say that anyone here would make a fine candidate, but I think everyone knows that's a lie. Truthfully, I'm the only person here who deserves to kill Potter and I would think it's quite obvious as to why.
Don't You See
To the tune of Woe is Me
SNAPE
I can kill that brat off, Lord Slytherin
When I was at Hogwarts
Don't you see
My birth mother was a pureblood chick
Don't you see
AUDIENCE (simultaneous with below)
SNAPE (simultaneous with above)
AUDIENCE
SNAPE
The applause is thunderous and definitely the loudest yet. SNAPE flashes a grin at the audience and starts to sing again.
I'll Break His Heart (Reprise)
To the tune of I'm Not That Smart (reprise)
SNAPE
SALAZAR: Alright, alright, alright. You don't need to do an acceptance speech yet, Snape. There's still one last contender and he is a very, very tough one.
SNAPE retreats to the back of the stage.
SALAZAR: Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson: The Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who and all other pseudonyms aside, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lord Voldemort!
The AUDIENCE explodes at the same time VOLDEMORT walks to the front of the stage, his robes billowing in his wake.
SALAZAR: Alright, Voldie. Can I call you Voldie?
VOLDEMORT: No.
SALAZAR: Alright, Voldie, why should you be the one to kill Harry Potter?
VOLDEMORT: HELLO! Were you not listening to the prophecy?! I am the one selected by fate to deliver the killing blow against Potter. Besides, it's not like anyone can kill me.
SALAZAR: Oh, right. You've got a Horcrux, don't you?
VOLDEMORT: No.
SALAZAR: No?
VOLDEMORT: No.
I Have Six Horcruxes
To the tune of I Speak Six Languages
VOLDEMORT
To excel at dark magic is not dangerous
I have six Horcruxes
AUDIENCE
VOLDEMORT
I have six Horcruxes
I have six Horcruxes!
AUDIENCE
VOLDEMORT
AUDIENCE
ALL
Devastating applause. VOLDEMORT bows multiple times and blows kisses at the audience. Several roses are thrown.
SALAZAR: That's a tough act to follow, I must say. But we may have someone capable of doing so. (drumroll) Ladies and Gentlemen, please give it up for everyone's favorite Slytherin badboy - the king of fanfic, the scintillating siren they so love to splice into slash (damn, that's good alliteration) - Draco Malfoy!
DRACO walks in, shaking his hair out in a glorious wave of blonde - at least, that's what the Slytherin girls in the audience think. The guys are busy plotting his demise for stealing their girlfriends. As DRACO reaches the center of the stage, a chorus of FANGIRLS gush from the wings and swarm him.
SALAZAR: Oh dear. It appears that young master Malfoy may be indisposed for a bit here…
DRACO: Now ladies, really…I can't…now, REALLY, not in public…I love you too, but for decency's sake…yes, I know I'm now a sympathetic character, but that doesn't mean…you can't put your finger- EXPELLIARMUS!
The FANGIRLS are blasted backwards, but do not seem to dislike DRACO any more for it. They merely remain at a comfortable distance from him.
SALAZAR: So, Draco, may I assume that your appearance here indicates that the brief flirtation with moral ambiguity you experienced at the end of HBP is now over?
DRACO: Not at all, Lord Slytherin. I am merely here to demonstrate the fact that if I may not be the most qualified candidate to deal with Potter, but I am definitely the one with the biggest following. You'll notice my escorts….(motions to the FANGIRLS). They have been picked from two camps of Malfoy fangirls, who here on this stage will aid me in my decision about whether or not to stay on the dark side or think for myself and join the light side.
SALAZAR: That explains a lot.
He looks at the FANGIRLS, who have now separated into two distinct subgroups, one on each side of the stage. One group, decked out in hot topic gear and wearing black lipstick, is clearly the "Evil!Draco fan club" and the other, dressed in Britney Spears look-a-like garb and giggling nonsensically, is clearly the "OhmyGodLight!Draco fan club"
DRACO: Well, ladies, I see you've joined your two separate choruses. Are you ready to persuade me?
FANGIRLS: YES!
DRACO: Hit it!
The "We'd Love/Hate You" Song
To the tune of The "I Love You" Song
The FANGIRLS begin to vocalize on a high note, and DRACO sings.
FANGIRLS
DRACO (sung)
The GOTH FANGIRLS step forward as the piano begins to play
GOTH FANGIRLS
The PREP FANGIRLS step forward.
PREP FANGIRLS
DRACO (spoken)
FANGIRLS
DRACO
I have tried to kill someone
PREP FANGIRLS (synonymous with below)
DRACO (synonymous with above)
FANGIRLS
DRACO (synonymous with below)
FANGIRLS (synonymous with above)
PREP FANGIRLS
GOTH FANGIRLS
FANGIRLS
DRACO suddenly vanishes in a cloud of smoke and the mighty voice of JKR speaks.
JKR (spoken)
The FANGIRLS shake their fingers at the heavens, united for once.
FANGIRLS
The audience applauds, more out of good will than anything else, since DRACO has been effectively eliminated from the competition by JKR. SALAZAR looks chagrinned, until the disembodied voice of DRACO starts singing.
Don't You See (reprise)
To the tune of Woe is Me (reprise)
DRACO (spoken)
AUDIENCE
Good bye, good bye, good bye, good bye, good bye!
SALAZAR: Alright, well, that was quite dramatic. Now, we should move along to the selection of our top two. Please applaud for…Fenrir Greyback!
There is a polite amount of applause, but nothing earth-shattering. FENRIR acknowledges the applause with a grimace of disappointment.
SALAZAR: Well, thank you, Fenrir. It would appear that you have not been chosen.
FENRIR: Bite me.
SALAZAR: Hey, better me doing the biting than you. (drumroll) Alright, please applaud for the Dementors.
Some applause occurs, but it's not impressive. The DEMENTORS float off the stage dejectedly.
DEMENTOR: We did not possess the necessaly chi.
DEMENTOR 2.0: Oh, shut up, you freak.
SALAZAR: Now, please applaud for Severus Snape!
The applause is deafening. SNAPE acknowledges it with a sneer and stays onstage.
SALAZAR: Alright, quite impressive. Please applaud for Lord Voldemort!
The applause is thunderous. VOLDEMORT also remains onstage, his slitlike nostrils flaring with excitement.
SALAZAR: So, there you have it. With master Malfoy withdrawing from the contest, we have our last two possibilities.
My Favorite Dark Conspiracy (reprise)/Harry
To the tune of My Favorite Moment of the Bee (reprise)/Second
SALAZAR
A long instrumental ensues, during which SNAPE and VOLDEMORT shake hands.
SALAZAR (spoken)
SNAPE
VOLDEMORT
SNAPE (overlapping VOLDEMORT)
(spoken) Come on, people, who created Sectumsempra and Levicorpus? Who fooled Dumbledore into thinking he was a good guy for years?
SALAZAR (spoken)
SNAPE
AUDIENCE (overlapping SNAPE)
The PREP FANGIRLS reenter during an instrumental interlude and dance around SNAPE, who looks dangerously indecisive about his evilness.
VOLDEMORT
SNAPE
VOLDEMORT
SNAPE
VOLDEMORT
SNAPE
VOLDEMORT
SNAPE
VOLDEMORT
SNAPE
SALAZAR (spoken)
There is no applause. SNAPE's moral ambiguity has destroyed him in the eyes of the audience.
SALAZAR (spoken)
AUDIENCE (sung)
SALAZAR
AUDIENCE
SALAZAR
AUDIENCE
VOLDEMORT (spoken)
AUDIENCE
SALAZAR:
Finale
To the tune of the same name
AUDIENCE
SALAZAR
ALL
SALAZAR
AUDIENCE
ALL
As SALAZAR cranks the Time Turner, the AUDIENCE waves.
The Last Goodbye
To the tune of the same name
AUDIENCE
Everyone Apparates away from the scene as a crowd of AURORS burst in.
I must avenge dear old Fudge
If it's the last thing I screw with
Though there's naught I have to do with
You dark arts wizards,
That's my goal.
I've gotta fight for him too, but that's quite incidental
As really I want Fudge to still be the ruler.
And when I had the job
As high Inquisitor up at Hogwarts,
I could use my black quill
On young Potter.
How it came out in body fluid
Everything that Potter and his damn crew did
Got him trouble writing with the quill
And his entire crew of nuts and crazies
And all those Gryffindors who're lazy.
I just want Potter to push up the daisies.
Yes, I know he's protected by charms and spells
That were laid down by Albus Dumble
With lots of care and a ton of work.
Your cause is well-informed
And I like your sentiments
And no one here does resent
Your hate for Potter.
And don't act all that mean
And though the brat couldn't pass
Your course, that's just 'cause it was boring
And we're all simply snoring
Because nobody cares about your pain.
And your thing about half-breeds is really quite insane.
My bloody stylography
Wasn't evil enough to kill kids…
Doo doo
Doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
La da da da da da da da dah…
Goodbye…
Goodbye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Potter's life
Ain't been hurt by you guys
It was rife
With all our disdain
Like a knife
We cut him down to size
He faced strife,
Bullying and strain!
Now we know you want him dead
So we're all disowning him!
You can have that freak boy's head!
We are all disowning him!
We are all disowning him!
We are all disowning him!
We are all disowning him!
'Cause now we've heard…
'Cause now we've heard…
'Cause now we've heard -
That bastard! -
He endangered my family.
Our safety he stole
He got Dudders
Almost deprived of his soul!
We are all disowning him
We are all disowning him
Though my sis
Gave her son protection
We'll dismiss - we'll dismiss -
Him to fight his war…
And to this
I've really no objection
Almost kissed
By a Dementor!
All you crackpots want him gone,
So we're all disowning him!
He is naught but Satan spawn!
We are all disowning him!
We are all disowning him!
We are all disowning him!
We are all disowning him!
It's quite absurd
It's quite absurd
It's quite absurd -
That Potter
Thought we'd let him endanger us
Lily and her spouse
Can rot in hell!
We want him out of the house!
Oh yes, we do!
We are all disowning him
We are all disowning him
We are all disowning him
We are all disowning him
We are all disowning him!
Yes, we are!
YEAH!
I'll break his heart
Already I put Sirius on the rocks
That broke his heart.
But I can make
His lusty thoughts
Go off the charts
I'll break his heart.
Which you all can see
Could be dangerous to a virgin whelp like young Harry.
With a little taunting…
Bad girl!
And a little teasing…
Bad girl!
I'll destroy that stupid brat
Just by being too pleasing.
But he doesn't know about my charms
I make men nuts
My way disarms.
And Potter could
Just be the same.
I'll do my part
And break his heart.
La da da da da da da dah
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da
Oggle oggle oggle oggle oggle oggle oggle oh…oh…oh…
Oh…Oggle her…doo doo…doo doo doo
So for a start
I'll get his guard down so he won't see my wand
And I'll get him fond, conned
And quell his hate
And with my wand I'll seal his fate
He's gonna die
With my assist
'Cause my charms no one can resist
Sure, it'll get his girlfriends pissed
But since with guys I'm really smart,
With Cupid's dart,
The brat I'll fell.
Hormone-ridden sot!
Good bye
You were okay, but way too proud
No one is that sly.
So we'll say good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye!
Magic hand
Oh, help me kill the Chosen One
Magic hand
Thanks to you, Potter's days are done
Magic hand
It doesn't feel pain, which is quite fun.
Kill off Potter!
Magic hand…
Get the jump on Potter!
Magic hand…
Potter's future looks pretty grim!
Pinky!
Ring finger and index and thumb!
But I give Potter…(holds up middle finger) the bird!
Make me get picked!
Magic hand…
Make me get picked,
Magical prosthetic,
Magic hand!
I'm pathetic,
But I'll kill that boy
With my hand…
Magic hand!
Magic hand
Magic hand
Magic hand
Magic hand…
Magic hand…
Show them you're grand, hand!
Magic hand…
Magic hand…
Kill that goddamn rotter!
Magic hand…
Doo da doo da doo da doo da doo da
Potter's dead once it's through with him!
Doo da doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Ahhhhh….
Magic hand…
Magic hand,
Magic hand…
Kill off Potter!
Magic hand,
Magic hand…
Show us all some slaughter,
Magic hand!
Magic hand,
Magic hand!
It's a powerful magic limb!
Magic hand
Magic hand
Magic hand…
Hand!
Since they weren't good enough
We are all disowning them
'Cause the competition's rough,
We are all disowning them
We are all disowning them
We are all disowning them
We are all disowning them
We are all disowning them
We are all disowning them
Yes, we are!
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye…
Oh dear,
It appears we have four folks left
But don't fear,
They are all rather deft
When it comes to dark magic
And killing off allies of HP
And I think that you'll all agree
The win will come decisively
And in this dark arts spree,
I look at the outcome gleefully
When two people are beaten utterly,
It's my favorite dark conspiracy.
The unpleasant life of a dark wizard
Is too weak, 'cause you always have your wand prepared
But for werewolves, it's the teeth and the claws
And the poison that you keep in your jaws
Our resolve isn't slipping
'Cause we always are ripping
Out a throat
So take note -
I love killing!
And we feast
On a multitude of human flesh
You should call on
Us because we're so pissed
And we're all on
The Ministry's shit list!
We fill up the wizard jails
Blood is on our fingernails
And our toes
Heaven knows
We love killing.
'Cause their blood has not yet soured
And it makes you feel empowered
And you feel almost godlike.
Who will bite your ass
Broken glass
Couldn't cut as deep as my teeth do
I'm destructive
'Cause my fangs cause deep sutures
And obstructive
Of some little kids' futures
And I cause the big sleep
'Cause my claws slice so deep
And I frighten every wizard on earth.
I love blood, I love blood, I love blood, I love blood,
I love blood, I love blood,
I love killing!
That's because they've no resistance
And I wipe out their frail existence
With my teeth, claws and venom!
The unpleasant life of a dark wizard
Doesn't make you a candidate to kill someone
As a werewolf…
When the full moon arrives
As a werewolf, you're equipped to take lives.
We're unpleasant and mean
Though our disease is tragic
We have love of dark magic
In our brains
We love pain
We love killing
It makes us feel godlike
We love killing!
That kid
Screwed up my job
He should die quick as can be
I did
So much for the slob,
Cleaning up his trash.
I could kill with my bare hands
No one understands
Magic wands I ain't got, sure
But just let me hurt Potter -
Hang him by his nose hair…
That, folks, is my prayer!
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Good bye
Oh, I need the strength to hang him by his ankles
And whip him until he cries
Oh, let me huuuurt him
I will whip him calmly
Till he screams for his mommy
"Help me, mommy!"
Give me back the spiked chair!
That is my prayer!
Good bye, good bye
Good bye, good bye
Good bye, good bye, bye, bye, bye you nutter
Good bye, good bye
Good bye, good bye
Good bye, good bye, good bye
Good bye, you nutter!
Good bye!
It was our mission
To put him in a position
Where no goddamn magician
Could escape the Dementors' kiss
We had him cornered, we could not miss!
Then he raised that stupid stick
Then without a single bit of witty banter,
We were speared on his Patronus antlers!
It hurt like a bitch
It hurt like all hell
We wanted to die!
Caused us to face vivisection
It seems that upon reflection
Everything we can do
His Patronus beat.
It beat the guards who made adults go quite raving
We don't blame ourselves, but we blame his wand waving!
Seem to have completely owned us, yes.
Anyone can make mistakes
We underestimated him.
Anyone can make a boo boo.
We'll fight back.
When faced with that deer that Potter can conjure
Protection
His unfortunate protection
Whoa…
It's ruining our strength,
It's ruining our kiss
It's ruining, ruining, ruining
Our lives!
Our lives!
We suck out thoughts of pleasure, joy and affection
But with love that Potter has quite a strong connection
Next time we'll avoid detection
So we won't face his unfortunate…protection…
Damn stag!
I hate Potter
Dad and son
It's obvious that I hate Potter
Because they both thought taunting me was fun!
I killed off his mentor
He could never beat me, Lord Slytherin
At least it was a fight with Dumbledore.
I taught him in Potions
I invented spells that he used
And with all my advice he was enthused
Little brat should be abused!
I was bright
I was top of every class,
But still I got all of the crap from James and Black
They gave me
So much flack
James' son was dumb, like his dad, and his potions were putrid
But in the whole bloody school, only I thought he was stupid!
Don't you see
This is why I've gotta kill off Harry P!
But a poor one who married a poor prick.
Every now and then he'd beat his wife
My dad really screwed my life.
Many fangirls thought my past was sad and my taunting was tragic
But after book six, it seems, now they know I like dark magic.
Don't you see
This is why I've gotta kill off Harry P!
Damn, he's dumb
As an adult
I'm remarkably well-versed in evil, nasty curses.
He's damned, he's dumb
He's damned, he's dumb
He's damned, he's dumb
He's damned, he's dumb
Dumb!
Don't you see
Don't you see
This is why I've gotta kill off…
Kill off…
Harry P!
I'll give him hell
That, you see, is how Potter's life will end
My flash of green
To him will bring the stench of death
I'll watch him breath his final breath
I mean I'll kill him like King Duncan and Macbeth.
Before the boy can really start
His silly quest
I think it's best
For me to break his heart!
I have six Horcruxes
Every Horcrux hidden
Hidden where no Black or Potter can discover
I have six Horcruxes
So I can recover
From the Kedavra curse.
If one cannot ever die
As you can tell, I cannot ever die
Yes, I kill and rape
I am serious.
You cannot escape
My Imperius
Curse is way too strong
For the strongest of resistance and…
I know all the Dark Arts curses
And everything I cast I cast without a mistake
I have six Horcruxes
I send my foes home in hearses
And I make Aurors quake.
Ooooh…
An attack by me
Is unlivable
As you all can see
Unforgivable
Curses are my love
And I really have no equal
And…
Which includes Slytherin's locket
The ring the Gaunts owned, and the diary
I once kept and cup owned by Hufflepuff
And perhaps Harry P
Is even one of them as well!
I never get tired
Of always knowing I'll live forever without a pause
Six awesome Horcruxes!
And I know I will never cease to lead my dark cause!
He has six Horcruxes!
That's one, two, three, four, five…
He has…
Six!
Ooohh….
If I stay on the dark side
Will my romance be done
Because if I stay on the dark side
Who will write my fanfiction?
We….always knew you were a bastard
We saw it from book one
You have snarky meanness and evil magic mastered
The light side is no fun!
We always knew, we always knew
You'd turn out villainous
Your evil made us swoon
Draco, do us this one boon:
Kill off Potter
Make those Gryffindor, stupid Potter tag-ons pissed
Show 'em all that you're an antagonist!
We'd love you!
We'd love you!
We'd love all your sexy, evilness
If your evil grew,
We'd love you!
We'd hate you!
And the preps say…
We'd hate/love you!
We'd hate/love…oh my God, you would suck/rock so much
If dark stuff you should do…
We'd hate/love you!
Would it be much better
If I turned out to be a nice guy?
Potter, Potter, Potter
Was my foe for so long
Would it spell disaster
If I caused that stupid brat to die?
Potter, Potter, Potter…
What if father is wrong?
What if blood don't matter?
What if dear old Dad's
Crazy as a hatter?
What if the dark side is mad?
And found I did not have the will
Dumble, Dumble, Dumble
Took my resolve away.
I fear Dumbledore was right
And I don't have the strength to kill.
Potter, Potter, Potter
Could keep my foes at bay
Keep all my foes at bay…
Keep all my foes at…
My foes at…bay…
We…
Always knew you were a hero
You're too hot to be mean
Though you're silver and you're green
Draco, you couldn't be hotter!
He could keep my foes
He could keep them at bay…
He could keep them at bay…
He could my foes, he could them at bay…
Potter, Potter, Potter
Should I destroy him?
We'd…hate/love you!
We'd…hate/love you!
We'd hate/love…JKR should make you good/evil
If she don't, we'll sue!
We'd hate/love you!
Potter!
I hate you, Potter!
I hate you
I hate you
Potter!
We'd hate/love you!
We'd hate/love you
We'd hate/love if you turned out to be evil!
It would make us blue!
We would never be blue!
We'd hate/love…
No! You shall not have your answer now! Draco shall remain morally ambiguous until Book Seven!
We hate you!
I didn't think that would occur.
I'm sorry.
(sung) I withdraw my entry, Lord Slytherin
As JK decrees,
Ambiguities
Will not be resolved now, Lord Slytherin.
Pick someone else, please.
Killing Potter
I deny
I'm no killer
So good bye!
My friends,
(spoken) And my foes
(sung) When it's time to pick,
It depends
Which one's the meaner prick.
And we must make our choices
Twixt Sevvy and Voldie
One of whom will hold the key
To putting foes in agony
It's just my cup of tea
Watching moments of
Perfect villainy.
At this 66th Anniversary
Of my favorite dark conspiracy!
Now, let's see who can upstage the other.
I'm the most nasty villain -
Judas of the light side!
I'm very skilled at killin'
And the spells I made just cannot be denied.
The boy the marauders
Thought so fun to deride
Will kill their offspring
And how ironic is that? Very!
That's why I should kill off Harry!
I oughtta kill off Harry, yes I should,
Yes I should, yes I should, yes I should,
Yes I should.
I ought to kill off Harry!
Who has the prophecy to his dark name?
I should kill Harry!
(spoken) Everyone's scared of me
And wouldn't dare to fight me
(sung) I will kill off Harry
Hey Snapey, don't think that you are better at dark magic than I
Makes me laugh, bud,
That the Prince who is a Half-Blood
Thinks that he can defeat me
I will crush you neatly.
Harry
I should kill off Harry
I should kill off Harry
I should kill off Harry
I should kill off Harry
I should kill off Harry
Harry…
There's a problem with that statement, Severus. Many still think you're on the light side. Anything to say to that?
Well…er….ermm, that is…I…well…I…crap.
Who will kill off
Who will kill off
Who will kill off…
This is your last chance, Snapey.
Should I kill off Potter?
Some think that you're still good.
But should I kill off Potter?
The brat would not escape me…
Is evil for me?
But your allegiances are quite ambiguous.
My indecisiveness is scary.
I can
I can kill off Harry
I will kill off Harry
Yes, Harry
I will finish Harry!
My vagueness morally
Doesn't suit me to kill Harry
Yeah
Would I cause death for Harry
To forever ever ever
Be the cause of death for Harry
Can I kill off Harry?
Can I kill off… (he trails off in hesitancy)
Everyone cast your votes for Severus Snape!
Alright. In that case…we have a winner!
Voldemort!
The sadistic, mean…
Voldemort!
Egostistic, mean…
Voldemort!
At the Vast LEPHT Wing Conspira-
Thank you, my loyal followers
See!
Well, thank you all and now, if there is nothing further, I will return to my own time.
At the 66th Annual Vast LEPHT-Wing Conspiracy
We picked Potter's adversary!
And now we'll be dispersing.
'Twas fun
But now my work is done.
And we will beat the light, beat the light
Beat, completely beat the light
Beat the light, beat the light
Beat, defeat and cheat the light
Beat the light…with cursing!
66th Annual…
66th Annual…
Vast LEPHT-Wing Conspiracy!
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye, Good bye
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Good bye…
Harry Potter
the Musical(s)